Tanam: They're going against the spiders, super inspired and kind of creeped out, with Smart Jimmy at their head.
Tanam: Georg's turn.
Don: Oh, my, the last turn I punched a giant spider. I wonder what I shall do?
Tanam: Well, the spider and Tagak are like, rolling around fighting.
Don: Does Tagak look okay?
Tanam: Yeah, Tagak seems to be doing okay.
Don: When you say, "Okay," like- real good or okay?
Tanam: Okay.
Don: so, Tagak's looking great? Like, really good, like, suuuuuper good with the spider?
Tanam: Um-
Don: If you were gonna, like, call the winner, who would that be?
Tanam: Tagak has it, but, you know, if you want to help, you can help.
Don: Would you be like, yay spider! Like, if you're gonna give me betting odds.
Rozafeen: We need to move this along, people.
The Intern: Please
Don: If Tagak's got it, I don't wanna- I don't wanna interrupt. Uh,
Tanam: you know what? There's a very punchable sorcerer.
Don: Yeah, I know, that's I was really wanting to do, and I'm glad that you called that out, and I'm glad that I get the opportunity. And, uh, what I wanna do is just run up to the cousin and give them the old one, two. And by "one, two," I mean, is, um, punch them twice, uh, because that's really all Georg is, uh, cut out for.
Tanam: Aw.
Don: So, Georg's got a little bit of a tears in his eyes.
Rozafeen: I've got tears in my eyes after that self-deprecation.
Don: Does nine hit? . It's okay if it doesn't.
Vafrus: Awww.
Tanam: Yeah, that's a miss.
Don: Eh, fine.
Rozafeen: It's not fine, Don. You stand up for yourself... and your nine.
Vafrus: I'm pretty sure nine's hit.
Don: Yeah, that nine hits. It hits with a nine.
Vafrus: We've all decided, Tanam.
Don: Okay, so he takes a swing and, uh, then he realizes his gauntlet's off and he kind of clicks it a little bit, uh, instead of taking the rest of his turn.
Tanam: Okay.
The Intern: Maybe if we had more bedsheets, then this would work.
Vafrus: Yeah-hah-hah!
Don: We do need more.
The Intern: Always need more bedsheets.
Vafrus: Can I ask the giant spider to bring us some bedsheets?
Rozafeen: As long as it doesn't bring you any hot rocks.
The Intern: As long as it's not one of the bedsheets from Ikky's.
Rozafeen: Oh,
Don: Wow.
The Intern: I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. I take that back, take it back, I take all of it back. don't know why invited me here! God!
Rozafeen: Well...
Tanam: I mean, I didn't. But... I'm glad you're here.
Harmony: We're really glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. If you have one friend out of this group, it's me.
The Intern: Thank you, Urekas. You've made that abundantly clear and I appreciate it. Bless you.
Harmony: Thank you. Bless you!
The Intern: No, bless you!
Don: who sneezed?
Harmony: Bless you more.
The Intern: Oh my god, bless you most.
Harmony: Bless you mostest.
Rozafeen: I cannot handle this.
Tanam: Okay, okay.
Tanam: It's- it's Achhiat's turn.
Don: wait it- it's Georg's turn again?
The Intern: try to mix it up a little bit.
Tanam: So Achhiut starts chanting and glowing again.
Harmony: Boooo!
Tanam: The glowing intensifies-
Don: No!
Tanam: And then out of the sky comes this huge wooden disc,
Vafrus: I have so many questions.
Tanam: Um, and that's followed by a catapult transport that hits the ground at incredible speed, but doesn't crash like it seems it should.
Vafrus: I didn't do it. It's not my fault.
Tanam: The huge round disc hit Achhiut and broke, whatever they were trying to do.
Vafrus: It was my fault. I did that. Sorry Tanam.
Don: What did you do?
Vafrus: It was- I did something awesome, obviously. Continue telling them what I did, Tanam.
Tanam: So the round disc hit Acchiut and broke, whatever they're trying to do. but don't worry, it didn't hit Teep and it didn't hit Justice. They're all fine.
Rozafeen: Okay, that's a wrap.
Tanam: Well, no. There's still some other things to-
Rozafeen: Justice is okay. The world is right.
Tanam: So, so you can hear Achhiut's groans.
Rozafeen: Ew.
Tanam: The big wooden disc seems to be amplifying Achhiut's voice.
Rozafeen: Amplifying someone's groans. I don't need that.
Tanam: And then, a voice that you recognize all too well also comes out of the disc. "Leave. My daughter. Alone.
Rozafeen: Is this a lizard that learned how to talk?
Tanam: No, that's-
Rozafeen: What is happening right now?
Don: I think that's the Sorceress.
Tanam: Yeah that's the Sorceress.
Don: And she's drunk.
Tanam: No!
Rozafeen: I don't think that's what she sounded like, man.
Tanam: But she always does!
Vafrus: Didn't we banish her for a thousand years? That can't be the Sorceress.
Don: Yeah. thousand years or, like, six seconds.
Tanam: It has been more than eight hours. I know it seems like it hasn't been, but-
Don: She's still drunk though.
Tanam: that's just how she talks!
Harmony: She drank a lizard's blood.
Tanam: anyhow. Why? Why would you say that? She likes the lizards.
Rozafeen: That's true.
Harmony: I am just reporting the facts.
Don: Harmony and lizards have a thing, if you remember.
The Intern: Yeah...
Tanam: well, I mean- Okay.
Rozafeen: That's true. Oh god!
Tanam: Okay. Anyhow, she said, "leave my daughter alone." That's the important piece of information here. Then she steps outta the transport, that had not really crash landed.
Tanam: And behind her is Tanovadan. Eh, eh?.
Don: Yet another Ovadan..
Tanam: No, it's not "yet another Ovadan"! It's Tanovadan!
Don: I know. I know.
Rozafeen: I remember who Tanovadan is.
Don: No, no. We, we know that the Ovadans are a super important, family, blah, blah, blah, blah. They're historically accurate.
Tanam: So, Tanovadan is the Lord of Hospitality, right? The one who's you're like-
Rozafeen: We remember who Tanovadan is!
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Wait, she's the one who's paying us, right? There's- okay, now I'm on board. Yes. Yes.
Tanam: And then behind her is the Second.
Vafrus: Booo!
Tanam: But he's in chains.
Vafrus: Oh, okay!
Don: Nice.
Rozafeen: I didn't realize it was that kind of party.
Tanam: He's being pushed along by the Captain. It is presumably not that kind of party.
Harmony: Mmmnnh?
Rozafeen: I mean, we don't know.
Vafrus: All right, let's all drop everything and demand our money right now. If we don't-
Rozafeen: "We solved it."
Vafrus: -there's like a spider. Or something? Unimportant.
Tanam: Okay, so, Teep sees her mom come out, is like, "Hi mom!!!"
Don: Teep is way, way too, like, oblivious of everything that happened in this entire campaign.
Rozafeen: Could Teep do us a solid and, like, jangle all of her mom's stuff that we returned just so that we're cool there.
Don: Please?
Vafrus: It's okay if she gets mad at us, Harmony can just banish her again.
Harmony: For two thousand years!
Tanam: Okay. Anyhow, Teep says, "hi, mom," and, and then Tanovadan says, "Thank you all for taking the initiative." Eh?
Rozafeen: No.
Don: Wait, didn't we already roll that?
Tanam: Okay. Anyhow, "I'm worried that things might have gotten a little out of hand. My cousin here-" and she indicates the Second, which I am realizing now is gonna be even more confusing because the Second is her cousin, which is distinct from the two cous-. Uh, I'm not sure what I have about cousins.
Rozafeen: give us some credit, like we're really not as confused as you're worried we are.
Don: Look, here's the thing about cousins, is there's always lots of 'em.
Vafrus: Just say second cousin. It probably doesn't mean something else.
Harmony: Eat the cousin.
Vafrus: Oh yeah. Just have the spider eat everyone. Solved! Sorry. Continue your story.
Don: I'm for it.
Tanam: Anyhow, Tanovadan says, "My cousin here has provided some helpful information so that we have a better idea of what might have been going on while you all were doing your investigation." The Second looks all upset about that and-
Vafrus: Wait, wait. They're, like, talking, aren't we in the middle of battle?
Tanam: talking is a free action.
Vafrus: Okay, excellent.
Rozafeen: Monologuing takes five seconds.
Don: Monologuing should be a full action.
Tanam: Oh, look, who doesn't want monologuing now?
Vafrus: Yeah, we have been begging for so long for any amount of information. Monologuing is a free action!
Don: Fair.
Tanam: Okay, so Tanovadan has just said how the Second provided useful information-
The Intern: Woo-hoo.
Tanam: -and the Second is looking quite upset about that and looks over to Achhiut- uh, well, at least looking over at the table that's on top of Achhiut- and says, "Not on- not on purpose! You know- you know that, right?!" and then the Mindlord steps out of the transport.
Vafrus: Not good.
Tanam: "Yes, it's true. You were seemingly incapable of shutting up when I found you."
Rozafeen: He sucks!
Harmony: yeah.
Tanam: "I'm still flabbergasted you didn't know about the other mirror, you absolute buffoon."
Rozafeen: I feel like the Mindlord is sounding like more of a douche than I remember.
Harmony: Yeah, the Mindlord sounded hot.
Don: Is he evil now?
Tanam: Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, okay. Well, mmn...
Rozafeen: Can we get that again, but hot?
Tanam: He was always a conce-
Vafrus: and covered in chocolate, please.
Tanam: O-kay.
Vafrus: he has a chocolate fountain with him, right?
Harmony: He does, yeah. I think it was Don's.
Don: Damn it.
Tanam: Okay, so he's like- I- I'm trying to think of how to do a "covered in chocolate" voice. Do I sound gloopy or something? Okay.
Rozafeen: You know what? The moment's gone.
Vafrus: Yeahhh.
Rozafeen: I'm not gonna get there again.
Don: You can just say he sounds hot.
Tanam: Okay. Yeah. So the Mindlord-
Don: Yeah, yeah.
Tanam: Is like, basically, the mirror and I'm mad that you didn't know about the other mirror that was hiding beneath, that the spiders came out of. He's mad at the Second for that.
Tanam: And then the Captain is like, "Thank you all for so loudly finding that hidden basement."
Harmony: Thank you Captain, and yes, I was happy to find that mirror for you.
Rozafeen: Wait a second.
Harmony: What?
Don: I don't know if that's how it happened.
Rozafeen: Yeah, um- you were on a date doing date things while other people were doing the hard work that they didn't get paid for.
Don: Yet! They could still pay us.
Rozafeen: Yeah. Hope springs eternal, Don.
Tanam: When you said that she was on a date, the Mindlord sighs and is like, "oh! Was that a distraction date?"
Harmony: No, no, of course not. Let me roll for Deception... 25.
Don: Amazing.
Vafrus: Even I believe it. "Aw, it was a real date."
Tanam: The Mindlord says, "You have no idea how happy that makes me!"
Harmony: I read his thoughts. Is he actually happy.
Tanam: Yeah. Okay. His surface thoughts are like, uh- there was a short rest that you guys took where you were kind of snuggling, but not really. And in this, you're way more affectionate than you remember being? Also he's way hotter.
Harmony: Wait, am I hotter?
Vafrus: not possible.
Tanam: No-
Don: You said short rest. Was it like five minutes? 'cause that's not short rest.
Tanam: So no, you- you look exactly like you.
Vafrus: "I knew it!" Also, this is all also free you actions, right?
Tanam: Yes, yeah. Moving on. so yeah, you look exactly like you except for the whole thing where you actually look like you're into him.
Vafrus: Lies, blasphemy.
Tanam: So, yeah, the way that you look doesn't seem right.
Harmony: How good is his memory?
Tanam: I mean, you don't know. The memory does have a lot of detail that looks right as far as you can remember? So...
Rozafeen: Awww! Urekas actually likes him!
Vafrus: Nobody can prove that. None of us can see what's going on.
Don: Yeah, no, I don't know if Harmony- um, I mean, Urekas actually likes anyone.
Harmony: Hey.
Tanam: Who can say? Who can say? That's the- that's what the Mindlord's surface thoughts are...
The Intern: I heard nothing.
Tanam: Okay, so you hear some chanting that's amplified by the table and the Second starts to scream as he also grows some additional limbs.
Vafrus: Oh, we are in battle. Right? Got it. Okay.
Don: And he's still tied up though, so it's like two little spider legs in handcuffs?
Rozafeen: Wait, is this the rude cousin? Is this the Sorceress? I am so confused.
Tanam: This is the Second.
Rozafeen: No, the Second is turning into a spider. But who the hell doing that? Not the Second!
Tanam: Okay. Yeah. No, so the chanting is coming out from under the table, because that's where the cousin is.
Don: Oh, what a dick!
Rozafeen: Okay, so it's the, it's the crappy cousin that is turning him into a spider.
Tanam: Yes.
Don: The crappy cousin.
Tanam: yes.
Vafrus: Does the Sorceress know Counter Spell? Feels like the Sorceress might need to know Counter Spell right now. I'll remind her very calmly. "Did you forget to bring Counter Spell to the battle?" Talking is free, remember.
Tanam: She looks at you and is extremely confused.
Vafrus: Oh no, she doesn't know what Counter Spell is. I'll have to teach her some magic later.
Tanam: Okay, so the other- preexisting- spider, AKA, the murderer, AKA Amtonit is fighting with the giant Tagak.
The Intern: You got this, Tagak! I believe in you.
Tanam: that fighting is his turn. Okay, cool. Big fighting happens there. Like it's so big that it's in the background. And now it's Ruffort's turn.
Vafrus: So Calumn has been wanting an excuse to do Eldritch Blast to the Second, and, uh, he's turning into a spider right now, so it seems like a pretty good time. I like form my fingers into guns and I'm-
Rozafeen: Finger cannons.
Vafrus: I turned my hands into finger cannons. Finger trebuchets. Okay. I'm like casting a spell.
Tanam: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. As you're about to, a voice comes into your head. "Uhhhh..."
Vafrus: ooh, okay. I freeze, which I can do because talking can take up any amount of time we've decided. So while casting this spell and all this battle is going around me, I listen to the voice.
Tanam: "Sooo... I know that you've been trying to be as evil as you could be to, uh, impress me. Well also impress Urekas, but..."
Vafrus: "Oh! The dark Lord knows me so well. I'm so happy about this. Yes. Yes. My Lord." Magic still swirling.
Tanam: "You've been, uh, pretty impressive."
Vafrus: Oh! That's all I ever wanted to hear my Lord.
Tanam: "I guess what I'm saying is, you've proved yourself so maybe Blast the cousin instead of the Second. We don't need to just like be preemptively killing people who we don't- you know, he's already chained up."
Vafrus: That's, like, part of your evil plan, right? Anything you want, my Lord. Yes. I, I'll, I'll change targets to-
Tanam: "well, I, I mean, it's kind of about, about, yeah. Like, um, so I, I am from a realm of darkness."
Vafrus: Yeah. You're the greatest, most powerful, darkest demon there's ever been. I've read it in my book.
Tanam: "Uh, well, they, uh, they, they kicked me out."
Vafrus: Of the book!? that's amazing!
Tanam: "No, uh..."
Vafrus: You're so much more powerful than anyone in the book even. Oh, I knew you were the best!
Tanam: "No, no, no! From the realm, from the realm of darkness."
Vafrus: Oh, we will get your vengeance, my lord.
The Intern: Hell yeah!
Vafrus: We will go with fury and thunder and the army of legions we will build here In your name!
Tanam: "For not being evil enough. That's how I ended up with you."
Vafrus: For, for No, that doesn't make sense. No! Blasphemy! My apologies, my Lord. Everything you say makes sense. Yes. You are not evil enough and also are the most evil. Go ahead, keep talking.
Tanam: "Yeah. Okay. yeah. Yeah. Fine. Okay."
Rozafeen: Even the dark lord gives up.
Vafrus: Are you telling me that I've been promoted? Do I get to be your evil lieutenant now?
Tanam: "Yeah, sure."
Vafrus: "Woooooooo!" I'm gonna blow up the Second. "Boom-boom!"
Rozafeen: Wait minute, wait a minute. You gotta use your calm inside voice.
Vafrus: Oh, I blow up the Second with my Eldritch Blast powers, even though the Dark Lord told me the other thing. I've forgotten that already. Let's see... And... Nat 20! Woo.
Rozafeen: I don't know if I believe that one.
Vafrus: And a 17. Pretty good. So I got- okay, hold on... okay, that's, that's 41 damage.
Tanam: Okay, so-
Vafrus: I still do Radiant damage, right?
Tanam: Oh! Yeah, that's right! So, because the Second is, like, mid transformation and you're doing Radiant damage and there is a Nat Twenty in there, you Blast him back into his normal form.
Vafrus: Oh, like I blast all the spider parts off?
Tanam: Yeah, spider legs are, like, growing out... and you, like, blast them off!
Don: Wait, weren't you gonna attack the cousin instead?
Vafrus: Oh no! My Dark Lord is-
Rozafeen: You've been naughty.
Vafrus: is the Prince mad at me?
Tanam: Yeah. We'll see.
Vafrus: Does he take away my Eldritch Blast privileges for a little while?
Rozafeen: Come on! The Prince knows that the Second is a total douche. The Prince was there!
Tanam: We'll see. But in the meantime, the Second is still alive, but he's lying on the ground and he's steaming-
Vafrus: Oh, you wait until next turn! I got another pair of maybe Eldritch Blasts all lined up. Unless the Prince stops me. However many it takes!
Tanam: The Prince is a little frustrated, but of course Calumn can't tell that, and he puts Calumn on timeout.
Vafrus: Yes! Calumn will find that out... next turn!
Don: I like that this is the first time that you've both disobeyed the Prince and just been really happy about it.
Vafrus: In my mind, I'm still very obedient. I'm pretty sure this is what the Prince told me to do. I'm just stupid You wait for that turn, Second. It's coming! A whole lot of nothing.
Don: You gotta reload those finger guns.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: canons.
Vafrus: I am pretty sure you load finger guns with coffee beans, right? That's how that works.
Don: Yeah, you load everything with coffee beans. That's like my entire armor.
Tanam: Okay. The Second is still alive and he's steaming on the ground, and I think up next is Hellena.
Rozafeen: Okay, I have not yet cast my awesome, super special spell. So it's that time: I cast Coconuts of Death!
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: you know, the trees do, I guess technically the trees do.
Vafrus: Wait, wait, what? the trees cast Coconuts of Death. What happens?
Rozafeen: Yeah, it's a whole thing. It's just strap in, like believe, trust.
Tanam: Okay. What happens?
Don: Coconut water for everyone.
Rozafeen: Okay, so a 50 foot long of trees. Sprouts up in spirals. And I just wanna make this very clear that the cousin who is already being kind of squashed by a table, is also being squashed by coconut trees and the coconuts falling off of those trees. And just to add insult to injury, I want it to be like really out of rhythm just in case they are one of those musical people that that bothers.
Don: Like all of the coconut land and, and doesn't- it's like offbeat.
Rozafeen: Yeah, just like, just, the dysrhythmic nature of just, it's worse than the damage, which by the way, oh, I gotta roll. I gotta roll. Um, oh yeah, that's 22 damage from dysrhythmic coconuts on the broke down squashy table.
Tanam: What- wasn't that like 3d8 or something like that?!
Rozafeen: Hey! I am not cheat- I- i, would call you over to look at my dice, but...
Vafrus: so to be clear, they're under a table, which means they're like shielded from actual coconuts hitting them; it's the sound. The poor rhythm is what does 22 Damage.
Rozafeen: Son-
Don: It's psychic damage.
Rozafeen: No, no, no! Sonic damage.
Don: Sonic-Psychic damage.
Tanam: Psychic-Sonic damage? Okay.
Vafrus: Calumn is, like, bopping to the bad music. He's like, "oh yeah, this is this actually pretty fine."
Don: It's like listening to any band that Hellena likes.
Vafrus: We found their true weakness, almost the right rhythm.
Rozafeen: Their true weakness is a 7, 7 8, babbbbbyyy.
Tanam: So every time a coconut hits the table, it gets amplified.
Don: Wait, wait. So this table is it like a sound amplifying table? Did I something?
Tanam: It's the Sorceress's table!
Don: Oh! Good point.
Rozafeen: So, yeah. That's me. I'm taking this off to go, me and my coconuts.
Tanam: Okay.
Tanam: Up next is... Tagak's turn. So, Tagak... oh wow. Okay. So Tagak takes out the original murderer- Amtonit- spider guy with her giant tongs!
Rozafeen: Yeah!
Harmony: Crushing it.
Don: Flip him like a burger!
Vafrus: Go, Tagak. One infinity damage. By tongs.
Tanam: So there's this huge squelching noise as the spider crashes to the ground.
Vafrus: Spiders are weak against tongs damage.
Tanam: Well, Tagak tong damage.
Vafrus: Yes, Tagak damage.
Tanam: As the spider body hits the ground, it shrinks down. And, as far as you can tell, turns back into the corpse of, the murderer. Up next is Teep! And Teep looks over and blasts the cousin slash sorcerer slash Achhiut, despite the fact that they're prone. Yeah, okay...
Vafrus: Ahhh! You remember! Yeah-haha!
Tanam: Oh! Quite a bit of damage! Not dead, but they probably wish that they were!
Vafrus: They've been doing that since the coconuts.
Tanam: Justice's turn!
Vafrus: Go Justice!
Rozafeen: So Justice is gonna eat somebody. That's the plan.
Tanam: The cousin maybe? She didn't get the murderer's intestines like she was going to.
Rozafeen: Yeah. You know, like, in a pinch, cousin intestines. That'll work.
Tanam: Roll intestine eating, I guess?
Vafrus: She gets Advantage from Prone, right?
Tanam: Yeah, it's not ranged.
Vafrus: I got you, Justice!
The Intern: Nice.
Rozafeen: Alright, the first one's a five. That's not gonna wor- Oh! 23 on intestines, please.
Vafrus: Woo!
Tanam: Okay, I guess it's intestines dinner time.
Rozafeen: Yeah, she really takes a moment to savor the experience.
Tanam: Also, they're still right next to the table, so the sounds are really amplified and gross.
Don: That's um gross.
Rozafeen: But my, my spell would never hurt my beautiful Justice. So Justice is fine with all the coconut sounds. It's really just the, "omn munch munch" that's going on for her, you know?
Vafrus: Such a symphony.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Mouth sounds and coconut impacts.
Don: I am pretty sure I've heard worse local bands.
Vafrus: Everyone, welcome to our band, Mouth Sounds.
Rozafeen: Gross.
Vafrus: What a good time we're all gonna have. .
Tanam: It's Urekas's turn, right?
Harmony: yeah
Tanam: Urekas!
Harmony: I don't know if I mentioned this at the time, but I did a quick change. As soon as the Sorceress showed up, I put on a long, flowing gown and all of my bird friends- including Smart Jimmy- started circling around me in the shape of a beating heart. We look really intimidating, and I tell the Sorceress, "Let your daughter be with Tagak!"
Rozafeen: Yeah!
The Intern: Damn!
Tanam: Are you trying to intimidate her?
Harmony: I'm intimidating her with love.
Vafrus: And a retroactive outfit change.
Harmony: I'm making a suggestion.
Tanam: Oh, are you casting Suggestion?
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: We've already established: when Urekas casts Suggestion, it's not really Suggestion.
Don: "Suggestion" in big ol' quotes.
Rozafeen: You're not just like gently suggesting, like, "Hey, have you considered this color for your highlights?
Don: Oh, if you do get Vafrus to do it, he's super calm.
Rozafeen: "Let your daughter be with Tagak."
Tanam: Okay. Whatever the save is, the Sorceress did not save.
Harmony: Yeeah!
Rozafeen: Let love rule for a thousand years!
Tanam: So that's happening now.
Vafrus: She's just overwhelmed by the memory of what happened last time. She's like, "Oh no! Not this again!" Completely forgets to make a Will Save.
Don: You can willfully choose not to save. Maybe she wanted this all along, secretly.
Tanam: She just needed someone to Suggest her.
Vafrus: That was actually the best eight hours of her life. She's just like, "Oh man, I got to get away from everything. All the stress.
Rozafeen: No lizards to take care of.
Vafrus: It was just me in the desert.
Don: Like a vacation. Yeah.
Vafrus: She's been looking for that high ever since.
Tanam: Okay. So, Tagak comes running at you. Oh, no, wait, hold on. If Tagak is running, um, okay. Tagak is normal sized again, because the Enlarge has worn off and she's running towards you all happily.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Tanam: But then...
Harmony: No.
Tanam: okay, but then, rising up behind Tagak is Amtonit!
Harmony: Boooo!
Tanam: Uh, the spider? No wait. The no the, the murderer. No longer a spider, murderer Amtonit gets up and he's running along behind Tagak. It's Georg's turn!
Don: Nice! Okay, so Georg's gonna run past Tagak, as close as I can get to the murderer.
Tanam: Uh-huh?
Don: And I'm gonna go, "Nope!" And, and I use Nope, obviously
Tanam: Okay. Go ahead and roll.
Don: Okay. So Tanam, you can look.
Tanam: What?
Don: you're not gonna believe this.
Tanam: okay. What? Uh another Nat 20?!
Don: Yeahhh.
Harmony: Yeeeeaaahhh!
Rozafeen: The dice, ba-by! The dice know!
Don: It's the end of the world bayyy-beee!
Vafrus: Yeahhhh....
Tanam: Okay. Okay. Okay. Amtonit flies back through the air and rolls across the ground and comes to a stop, not moving this time.
Don: Okay. Powerful. Perfect.
Tanam: And I think that's... it? Yes. I think that's it. We are out of initiative.
Vafrus: Woo!
Don: Yeah!
Harmony: Nice!
Rozafeen: Breakfast time.
The Intern: Sweet!
Rozafeen: Hit me with some pancakes!
Tanam: Oh, so as you say that, from inside the transport, you hear a familiar voice yell. "Ha ha, ha. You fools! You needed my breakfast so much, I could have poisoned you at any time! "Ha ha ha ha!" Roll for initiative!
Harmony: No.
Rozafeen: am not feeling new voice. Mm.
Tanam: I. Okay. No Beeb's there. Beeb is there. He actually does come out of the transport. Tanovadan brought him along to provide food.
Vafrus: Eldritch Blast!
Rozafeen: No! Don't- don't Eldritch Blast the kitchen person or the person who's paying us.
Vafrus: I don't think I'm able to do Eldritch Blasts anymore.
Don: That's good. I'm glad the finger guns no longer work.
Vafrus: Finger guns! I do finger guns at Beeb!
Rozafeen: No, you should figure out a way to preserve the Eldritch Blast through like the power of friendship, I don't know.
Vafrus: I think it just doesn't work on Beeb.
Don: Beeb is actually your patron.
The Intern: I was wondering that.
Tanam: Calumn will figure it out.
Rozafeen: That's true. Dark Prince loves him too much.
Tanam: So- so yeah, Beeb, when he hears someone yell about food or talk about food, he comes running out with some big platters-
Vafrus: Oh no. It's just like a compulsion for him! He can't help it! Oh, poor Beeeeeb. But, okay. Now the real question, do we get paid? where's the money?
Don: I'm fine with getting paid in food.
Rozafeen: Running theme, running through the whole, whole game.
Tanam: Tanovadan brings out sacks of money.
Vafrus: There we go!
Tanam: They're bigger than the ones that Urekas got at the cult party.
Harmony: Boooo!
Rozafeen: When she starts reaching out to Urekas, I'm like, "Oh, let me help you with that."
Harmony: Oh, it's okay. I got it. You've done so much.
Rozafeen: No, no, really. Allow me.
Harmony: You've been so generous. I got it.
Tanam: And we all have a feast there in the ruins of the resorts office, right by the coconut grove.
Rozafeen: No no no no-
Tanam: Wait, no, wait, not too close to the coconut grove.
Rozafeen: Yeah, not- not too close, man.
Tanam: The Sorceress moves her table out of the coconuts. It's fine. It's fine.
Vafrus: And wearing his true face, hanging out with his found friends and family. Tear rolls down Calumn's face. He's finally happy because he has this giant bag of money.
Rozafeen: Wait, there's a tear on your face. Should I slap it off?
Vafrus: character's gonna react. I can't tell you what to do.
Don: with that, Georg takes his bag of money and says, "Well, it's been, uh, awful. I retire. See you guys later."
Rozafeen: You can't leave. There's so many pancakes.
Don: No, I'm kidding. I'll at least have food with you first, but I do retire, and we're eating first for sure.
Harmony: Yeah, and then we'll need coffee afterwards to wake us up.
Don: Yeah. No, you can get your own.
Vafrus: Oh noooooooo!
Harmony: No. No, I don't think so. You'll be making it.
Rozafeen: And we end with bickering.
Tanam: It's, it's important.
Don: I'm kidding. Right? All right, fine. You can have your coffee. I wouldn't do that to you.
Tanam: okay. I think we have hit everything that you are all complaining about.
Don: Well, I feel like we haven't- I'll offer Justice a cup of coffee.
Rozafeen: Actually, she loves the coffee grounds.
Don: I will pour out a bag of coffee for Justice and I'll say, "For Justice!"
Tanam: Okay.
Don: So wait, where are all the spider corpses? 'cause it seems weird that we're just feasting with coconuts on one side and dead spiders on the other.
Tanam: Yeah, that would be kinda weird.
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: Uh... Ha! The birds ate them.
Vafrus: The swarm of Harmony's birds ate the spiders.
Don: More disturbing than the actual spiders.
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy's like four times bigger because of all the spider food.
Harmony: They have a lot of protein!
Rozafeen: Sweet gains!!
The Intern: Well damn, guys. I am so proud of all of you.
Vafrus: We did it!
Rozafeen: We finished.
Vafrus: We finally did it!
The Intern: I'm- that was really something; I've been waiting so long.
Vafrus: Yeah!
The Intern: I can't, just can't believe it's over.
Vafrus: yeah, kind of, uh, you know, too bad about the world and everything, but you know, good note to end on, right?
The Intern: God, I hate it when my favorite things just get cancelled!
Tanam: Uh um, yeah.
Don: You know, referring to us as being cancelled, that's, that's really- that's cold.
The Intern: I mean, there's some people from my world that I'd like to cancel for doing all of this. You know, none of this would even be happening if freaking Rosie from Accounting-
Tanam: Rosie...? What?
Don: That's, um...
The Intern: If Rosie wouldn't have just voted to get rid of this whole thing... I can't believe it.
Tanam: Rosie. Is this one of the gods?
The Intern: just some bitch from accounting back in my-
Rozafeen: Hey!
Vafrus: Oh, it's one of the unknown gods.
The Intern: Oh yeah, yeah. She's another "god" like me, but more bitchy.
Rozafeen: Okay, like, I can't- I can't with this anymore. A, not Rosie, it's Rozafeen, and B, she's not a bitch.
The Intern: What?
Tanam: Are you named in her honor?
Rozafeen: Um,
Tanam: I thought she's an unknown-
Rozafeen: so...
Tanam: she was an unknown god.
The Intern: I mean, I was pretty sure that it was Rosie. You're Rozafeen.
Rozafeen: Um, I-
Don: Whacha sayin'??
Rozafeen: uh,
The Intern: Oh my god.
Rozafeen: I- I'm saying that I am here on a glaze from the outside, and my nickname is not and has never been Rosie. And, for the record, I never asked for any of all of this drama to happen in terms of incinerators and all of that business.
Don: Hey, wait-
Vafrus: You're not really a god.
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm no more or less a god than an intern.
The Intern: Cool.
Vafrus: Do some miracles.
Rozafeen: Come on, now.
Don: You've been on the outside the entire time?
Rozafeen: Yeah, well, I mean, other than that one time I came for coffee.
Don: That one time you came for...
Harmony: I knew you weren't happy.
Vafrus: I have so many questions.
Don: I have questions. Questions like, "Hey, if you were on the outside the whole time-"
Rozafeen: Okay, well, so to clarify, before that time I came for coffee, I did meet Tanam in the world. I've been to the world, I genuinely do love the Fyoos. But, most of the time I live on the outside here.
Don: You knew that a certain Don and a certain Harmony were missing, and have been playing D and D with them and did not save us the entire freaking time.
The Intern: but, so-
Rozafeen: There's not a Don and Harmony out here that are missing. Like every now and then we have employees that just don't show up for a while, which is part of the problem with all of our budgets. But, what do you mean missing?
Vafrus: How many people are stuck in here?!
The Intern: But why, if you're here... I don't get it, why did you want the world destroyed, then?
Rozafeen: I! Didn't! I never said, "You know what'd be a great idea? Take this thing that we spent years developing and dump it in a trash can or an incinerator." All I said was, "Hey engineering, you guys have like 65 headcount assigned to a petri dish, that's really expensive, and you guys have no plan for generating any sort of revenue."
As CFO, it's important that I be fiscally responsible and make sure that all of our projects have a path toward being lucrative someday, you know, one year, ten years, whatever. But they wanted to just keep employing all of these people to watch one dish- basically indefinitely- with no plan to ever go to market! And I said, "Figure your shit out," and the next thing I know, it's out of my hands, and people in other parts of the company are making decisions that I don't agree with.
The Intern: Well, then-
Vafrus: So it is your fault. You heard it here! Rosie's destroying the world!
Rozafeen: Do. Not. With the "Rosie."
Vafrus: Sorry, Rozafeen.
The Intern: So, you didn't want it... incinerated?
Rozafeen: No!
The Intern: Okay.
Rozafeen: I mean, aside from the fact that I like everyone in this game, as a practical matter, incinerating is a really expensive way to get rid of something.
Don: Well, that's good to hear.
Rozafeen: I think they should've just, I don't know, thrown it in a terrarium or something. There's no reason it can't keep continuing indefinitely. We just don't need to be employing, like, 5 million physicists, including one who's missing- Oh geeze-!
Don: Oh, it finally hit, did it?
Tanam: Physicist?
Don: I'm the one that's been missing. Hello. I'm Don. Physicist and person who designed the physics for the world.
Tanam: You actually did invent physics.
Vafrus: Is everyone but me a god?
Tanam: what-
Vafrus: Tanam, what's your secret god name?
Tanam: I don't even know... Um. What?
Rozafeen: Can we all agree that Don's not a god?
Harmony: Yes.
Rozafeen: Let's just get on the same page about that part.
Don: Yeah, we can really all agree that Don is definitely not a god.
Tanam: you- you invented physics.
Vafrus: Can I have your god status if you're not using it?
Don: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Rozafeen: And what was this about Harmony being missing? I don't, like- we have several Dons employed by the company, but I don't think the company employs anybody named Harmony. Like, what the heck?
Don: Oh yeah, that might, that might have been me.
Harmony: Might have been.
Don: My fault, rather.
Harmony: Might have been your fault.
Don: Uh-
Harmony: No, no, please, please, continue. Talk about our date that's lasted forever.
Don: Well, you- you remember that little thing we had where we talked about going on a date?
Harmony: We talked-?! We were on a date.
Don: yeah, no, we were on a date. I sort of, uh, took Harmony to the world, uh, on a date, and... I feel really awkward about it, but, uh, I got us stuck here.
Rozafeen: Did you get stuck because you tried to do a two-at-a-timer?
Don: I sure did. I should have known better. I thought I calibrated the machine for it.
Tanam: Machine?
Don: I didn't.
Tanam: What is-?
Don: Oh, Tanam. Oh, boy. Buddy, uh, so, turns out the whole world, and you might want to sit down for th- you're already sitting. So it turns out the whole world is a Petri dish, a, um, you know, round, flat thing they use for science with bacteria and stuff usually, except, um, it's you.
Tanam: But, we have bacteria.
Don: Well, yeah, I know that. I designed some of them.
Tanam: Um-
Don: Wasn't really in the chemistry department, but, you know.
Tanam: Uh yeah.
The Intern: Would this be a... This is probably a bad time.
Rozafeen: I mean, it might be the best time.
The Intern: Um, I, I, I, I, may actually have the Petri dish.
Don: You have it?
Rozafeen: What do you mean you have it?
The Intern: Um-
Rozafeen: Like, in your coat pocket?
The Intern: I- okay, listen. I care about you guys all a lot, um-
Tanam: Yeah. I know.
The Intern: Okay... um, so I may have stashed the Petri dish. And taken it in here so that, uh, the person who I guess didn't actually want to destroy it, couldn't destroy it. Um, but I have it!
Vafrus: You have the world?!
The Intern: I do; it's here.
Don: Hey, um-
Vafrus: Can we see it?
The Intern: I- I- I don't know how long it's gonna last outside of its cradle.
Don: It should be fine for up to about, mmm... six hours. Maybe four. But, uh, Harmony, you know how yer bathroom disappeared?
Harmony: Yes?
Don: I think this might be why. I don't think the world's supposed to, uh, be in the wor- I don't even know how that works. That hurts. I need some time to think.
Vafrus: Can I hold it?
The Intern: Um.
Vafrus: What if I hold the world?
The Intern: Is that okay, Don?
Don: please don't-
Harmony: you don't need to ask Don.
Don: Pl- please don't touch it.
Vafrus: Humph.
The Intern: Can I deflect to you about what to do about this?
Don: You know, it might be better if it were stored in a freezer. Uh, you know, cold.
Harmony: Don, I'm gonna store you in a freezer.
Don: Uhhhhh. That- That's great.
Vafrus: Okay. I just- I just, want to, for like 10 seconds, be a god who has the whole world. Come on.
Don: You know what? The Intern's already got it in his pocket. Sure. J- j- just- Juggle it. For all I care!
The Intern: I just wanted to save it!
Don: I get that.
Tanam: Don, since we don't have much time, I would like to see it once.
Don: You know what? Fine. Go right ahead.
The Intern: I've got it right here in my pocket.
Don: At this point, we've already really messed with causality.
The Intern: Okay, well...
Harmony: oh!
Tanam: It's so small.
Vafrus: Hey look, there's the Fyoos!
Don: I don't see a problem with this. Not at- not at all.
Vafrus: if I poke it will- will it, like-
Tanam: NO!
Rozafeen: Don't poke it!
Don: Do NOT poke it!
The Intern: so difficult!
Vafrus: Okay, somebody outside and wave. Let's see if we can see you.
Tanam: There's the coffee bean.
The Intern: Uh-huhh!
Don: Are you that intern? like, the coffee bean one?
The Intern: Yeah, that was me too.
Harmony: Oh-ohhh
Don: Awesome.
Rozafeen: Are you the intern that periodically hides in closets?
The Intern: I mean, it's not really hiding. I just need my own personal space and. I sometimes need to use closets in order to get that personal- but, I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't call it, I'm not hiding.
Tanam: It's- it's really beautiful.
Don: It's pretty nice design!
The Intern: Yeah, it is. isn't it?
Harmony: Yeah...
Rozafeen: So, Don, is there any way to get the world out of the world so that houses will stop disappearing and, you know, pigs flying across the sky or whatever the heck is going on in there?
Don: Um...
Harmony: And then I can use the bathroom; I can't use Tanam's, because his door disappeared.
Don: His door disappeared?
Harmony: The bathroom door is gone.
Don: Already?
Tanam: When did that happen?
Harmony: I don't know. I went to use the bathroom, and I've been holding it this whole time.
Don: Okay, um... I think I can do something about this. Just, just give me, give me a minute. Uh, if I reconfigure... Tanam, I'm gonna need to steal your glaze.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: uh, we don't want to lose Rozafeen.
Vafrus: Just take apart the other glaze. That'll probably be fine.
Tanam: Okay, yeah, use- use the map one.
Don: Yeah, the map one.
Tanam: here's here here here
Don: And, uh, do you happen to have a box of spare cables?
Tanam: Cables?
Rozafeen: Tweezers, maybe some aluminum foil. Am I helping?
Don: The dish contains everything I need to get out or into the world... Uh, I'm gonna need... um uh, oh! Excellent. I'm gonna need... the screwdriver I obviously have in my pocket.
The Intern: Nice.
Don: Alright, it's all ready.
The Intern: Okay.
Vafrus: What's gonna happen?
Don: uh, you'll see. um, I'm gonna go outside first.
Tanam: okay, okay...
Don: So I don't go through the roof.
The Intern: Um
Harmony: did you hear that?
Tanam: yes
The Intern: yeah, um
Vafrus: makes me nervous
The Intern: I don't know if I know what's happening
Tanam: Intern preserve... Oh.
The Intern: Okay... um
Tanam: Sorry, habit.
Vafrus: haley wobly bother
Tanam: What's happening? Look out the window!
Rozafeen: Not to center my own experience here, but this looks horrible through the glaze. Ughh!
Tanam: What is that? this is hurting my head
Harmony: I know, his hands look disgusting.
Vafrus: Oh! Your hands are so huge!
Rozafeen: Your calluses are giving me a headache, Don.
Tanam: Where's he going?
The Intern: Is he ascending into the sky?
Vafrus: Don really is a god!
The Intern: Oh! My! God!
Harmony: He's not a god. He just has hands that are literally flaking off right now. Ughhh!
Vafrus: Oh, holy Don! Spare us, little mortals!
Harmony: he can't hear us.
Don: Sorry about my lack of lotioning recently, it's been a very stressful time.
Harmony: The problem is, you have lotion.
The Intern: Where's that voice coming from!?
Don: It's Don. I'm. Up in, uh, he- heaven? I don't know.
The Intern: whuuoogha That'll give me nightmares.
Don: It's just, uh, a weird way I had to hack the physics. It- it's fine, guys.
Harmony: The grossest part is his flaking hands look disgusting.
Don: You know, you don't have to look at the giant hands that haven't-
Harmony: I'm not looking, I'm closing my eyes and I can feel it on my skin.
Don: Well, I guess no second date, then.
Harmony: Good!
Rozafeen: Oh, sir, you had so many chances, it sounds like.
Don: Thanks.
Rozafeen: Don, where's the Petri dish?
Don: Just fixing it, and Got it!
Vafrus: Can you like just take it so that then they don't incinerate us? That'd be super cool. If we didn't get incinerated.
Don: I already took it. It's up here with me.
Rozafeen: I think he means out of the lab, and I agree; that is a good idea.
Don: Oh, you want it out of the lab.
The Intern: Yeah.
Rozafeen: So between the lead sci- well, not lead. Between the senior scientist who has not reported work for a while and the intern, does either of you have- I don't know- a basement with a whiteboard?
The Intern: um...
Vafrus: Yeah, the whiteboard is really important, I feel like.
Don: I could take it to my place! I have a basement with a terrarium!
Tanam: Uhhhh...,
Don: Does anybody want a turtle?
Rozafeen: What?
Don: You know what? No. I'm putting it in there with the turtle.
The Intern: Nope!
Don: It'll be great. I'll have it ride on the turtle's back, and then the world will be on a turtle. It'll be amazing.
Harmony: You know, the turtle has smoother skin than you, I'll take it.
Don: Wow.
Rozafeen: It knows how to mani pedi.
Don: So many thanks for saving the world. Yeah, you're you're welcome.
The Intern: And that was Coffee, Cults, and Empires. Tanam, he's still teaching, still worships me. I can't convince him to stop, except, uh, here's the twist. We're roommates now? We split a two bedroom just outside Kloyal. It's, uh- cozy. Oh, and we started "Tanam and the Intern," the podcast. I know, groundbreaking. But don't bother Googling it; it's an inside the Petri world exclusive.
Vafrus. He's still teaching too. And, oh yeah! He got back together with his completely actual real girlfriend. Then he went and married her! Big event! Except... No one on his side showed up to the ceremony. Like, no one, and, uhh... We still haven't met her.
Harmony, though? She crushed it. She capitalized on the whole thing where Don pulled himself into the sky and literally saved the world. Yeah, a lot of people saw that. She published her holy text, "Don the Deliverer." Now she's High Queen Priestess of the world's most popular religion. Everyone's chanting, "Don Save the Queen!" Or whatever. It's a whole thing.
Speaking of Don- he's living off the podcast's Patreon. Meager rent in the real world, like, basement vibes. But here inside the Petri dish, dude's got a tower. Got his priorities in line. And he did what he promised: put our entire world into a terrarium in the basement apartment he rents. It's cozy, though. There's a tortoise! And some lizards in there. We're neighbors now! Sort of. Like, sometimes a lizard's head will fill the sky and block the whiteboard for a while. Oh, and people sometimes show up at Don's door trying to join the religion by climbing into the Petri dish. Like, no, stop that.
Rozafeen though, she went to the authorities and turned in the rest of upper management. Inside the Box Sciences, Incorporated? More like inside the prison now. Am I right? Reckless endangerment and or fraud or something. Now, she spends most of her time chilling in the Fyoos, sipping icy drinks. Sometimes she comes out to run her Totally Legitimate TM correspondence course, helping students learn bookkeeping. She's thriving, in her own way.
So yeah. Life down here in the Petri dish? Pretty wild. Out there in the quote-unquote "real world"? Mostly a mess But, uh, that's the update. And I am just, you know, figuring it out. One podcast episode at a time.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Oh god, that's such a long time to hold it.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: B A N A N A S.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Has anyone ever told you you're no fun?
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy could be a dragon, you know.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: It's gonna be the same scene; I'm gonna edit that right in.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
The Boss: Why don't you ever answer the phone? It's a phone. You're supposed to get calls on it! whatever. It doesn't matter.
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Well, yeah, call me if you need me to say more bedsheet shit. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: That's pretty good. You all wanna do this again next time the world ends?
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Can't think of a better way to spend it.