The Intern: uh, there's a special guest on this episode. Me!
Tanam: Oh. Oh. It's. It's. It's you, Rozafeen. Oh. Wait.
Vafrus: Oh, hey!
Don: uh, hi!
Vafrus: Rozafeen!
Harmony: Hey!
Rozafeen: Hi, guys.
Don: How's the weather where you're at?
Vafrus: Did your house get smashed, too?
Rozafeen: It's usually- This- This is usually game time.
Vafrus: Oh,
Tanam: right. It's, it's game time.
Rozafeen: Where are you guys? Are you guys at Tanam's place?
Tanam: we're all here, but like here, where- where are you? The world's ending, I know you get absorbed into work sometimes and stuff, but like, yeah, the world's ending?
Rozafeen: what do you mean the world's ending? Everything's fine over here.
Don: You didn't notice, like, the cheese tornado, or, I don't know, Harmony's bathroom disappeared?
Harmony: My bathroom disappeared, and I'm so scared. I don't want to leave this group, and I've been holding it in for hours. Do you have a bathroom?
Tanam: Um,
Vafrus: Do you still have a bathroom, Tanam? Are you sure?
Tanam: just, just, wait, but like, how do you- like, are things fine over there?
Rozafeen: I, mean, I, I don't want to get too into it, but like, yeah, I, I live pretty far away from you all, and, and my house is okay. Like, still wanna play?
Vafrus: Yeah!
Harmony: Yes
Rozafeen: what do you mean, ending, ending? Like, are you sure the world's actually ending? The world is always ending.
Vafrus: I think we should play. I think that might help take our mind off things. And-
The Intern: HELLO!
Harmony: Whoa.
Tanam: um,
Vafrus: Oh my intern.
The Intern: good players. It is I-
Vafrus: Uh, you're gonna have to be more specific than that.
The Intern: I, uh, I-
Tanam: yeah-
The Intern: I, it's me. I'm the Intern.
Rozafeen: Oh god.
Harmony: What? Uh,
Don: okay. I don't really know how to do this. Um, hello? Um. You've all been loyal subjects.
Rozafeen: Subjects? ugh...
The Intern: Um, I'm proud of all of you.
Vafrus: Tanam, verify, is this the Intern?
Tanam: I mean the visage, like- wait. Hold on, let me get down on the floor here and look up.
Vafrus: What's the point of you if you can't even tell?
Tanam: Look, no no no... yeah, okay, from this angle-
Rozafeen: Is Tanam laying on the floor?
Harmony: Yeahhhh.
Tanam: I need to see from the right angle-
The Intern: Uh huh
Tanam: um. this is, Yes.
Vafrus: Oh, Intern!
The Intern: Yeah, yeah, it's me. Um, Hi.
Tanam: What?
Harmony: Hi!
Don: Hi.
Vafrus: Hi?
The Intern: I heard your glaze call. I found you.
Rozafeen: You're welcome.
Don: That's creepy.
The Intern: So. Sorry about the whole world undealing thing. I can't do anything about it. It's kind of like outside my jurisdiction- or power. I don't know, I can't really do anything. But, I really wanted to meet everyone. So, hello.
Tanam: Everyone? In the world?
The Intern: Um...
Don: Yeah, is this like a "everyone" or "us, specifically" thing? Because if it's us specifically, we didn't do anything bad.
The Intern: no, no, you didn't do anything- but um, yeah, um, I guess everyone in the world, yes, because I can do that. I'm visiting everyone in the world, I wanted to meet you all personally, because I'm a huge fan!
Harmony: What? You're- I- I- Can I have your autograph and would you like mine?
The Intern: Yeah, can I get your autograph too? That'd be great!
Harmony: Yes, that'd be amazing!
The Intern: Yeah, I just wanted to come in, um, I really like your guys's game, it's kind of- oh sorry, sorry, I'm getting, I'm I'm I'm kind of getting goosebumps like seeing you all in person. Um. I've been recording your game and showing it to some of my friends and I really want to know how the story ends before the world ends.
Don: Why is every god freaking creepy?
Harmony: I'm so flattered!
Don: So, we've been spied on this entire time by some "higher power."
Tanam: I- I-
The Intern: Yes.
Tanam: My parents always told me that the Intern was watching, but like, I didn't quite understand.
Vafrus: Your parents nailed it.
The Intern: I mean, it's not like in like a, like, not like a really creepy way, I mean in like a totally like, I don't know. You guys, I, I admire your... work? I don't know how to make that not sound creepy.
Rozafeen: Were you one of those families that had a big picture of the Intern hanging over your bed watching you do... everything?
The Intern: Wait, do people do that?
Don: Oh yeah, lots of people.
The Intern: That's a thing?
Don: We did say it was creepy.
The Intern: Huh. I don't know how to feel about that.
Vafrus: What I'm hearing is that we are under deific command to finish the game.
The Intern: Yes.
Don: I feel like it was more of a deific plea.
The Intern: That too.
Vafrus: I want to know how it ends too. Like-
The Intern: please?
Tanam: Okay. Um, okay, let me get my, let me get my notes, I guess,
The Intern: I'll sit on the side, you won't even know I'm here.
Harmony: Oh, while he's getting his notes, can you say, "Intern, bless Urekas"?
The Intern: Intern bless Urekas?
Harmony: But like you mean it.
The Intern: Okay, Intern bless Urekas. Was that right?
Harmony: I could use a little more enthusiasm.
Don: Bless you, Urekas.
Harmony: Not from you.
The Intern: Okay, well, I mean, I think that you guys's world actually is ending, so I would really, really like to see the end of the game before that happens, if that's okay with all of you? I mean, please.
Vafrus: I don't have all my stuff. Maybe I forgot. Let's see. I think I might have brought my character sheet. Here we go.
Tanam: I...
Vafrus: let's see.
Tanam: ... don't know what was- where we were.
The Intern: Oh, well, I know. Well, so the one murderer guy has screamed, you know, "who the fuck are you people" at you. And you guys had all introduced yourselves in the fun, cute little ways that you did, you know, with "the hell yeah, I do." "I- can be whatever," You know, remember?
Tanam: oh, um-
Vafrus: Intern sees all!
Don: We really do have a fanboy.
Harmony: I love having a real fan.
Tanam: okay,
Rozafeen: So the cousin, got blasted out a window, right?
Tanam: yes, the, the cousin is- is blasted out a window.
Vafrus: We should see if more people want to see this stuff.
The Intern: Oh, more people have.
Don: Oh!
Harmony: Wait, more people have?
Vafrus: Are we famous?
Harmony: Do they like me?
The Intern: um, Yeah.
Harmony: Do they love me?
The Intern: Yeah, no, they think, they think you're great, but they all do really want to see how it ends.
Harmony: Do you love me?
Rozafeen: Okay, moving on...
The Intern: Do... I?
Tanam: Harmony, you're sitting over there.
Harmony: Fine, but I'm not taking my eyes off the Intern, so you'll have to navigate me to my seat.
Tanam: Um, okay. Okay, fine.
Rozafeen: Can we start calling you the navigator?
Tanam: What? Okay. You're
Rozafeen: Get you a hat?
Tanam: You're over there. Okay, you can sit here. Is that fine?
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: Okay. Your eyes are gonna get tired. I mean-
Harmony: No.
Tanam: No offense to- okay- fine.
Harmony: I brought my eye drops.
Vafrus: Who's next in initiative order, Tanam?
Tanam: Back to initiative order, I think that's where we should go. So we're back to Achhiat, the cousin. They got blasted out the window by Ruffort, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, Yeah, that was me.
Tanam: We're skipping their turn for now-
Vafrus: They spend their turn recovering from defenestration. Ha ha ha ha
Rozafeen: I have a dirty little secret. I forgot to mark down which spells I used last time, so on account of end of the world, could we just start full up on spells? eh?
Don: Yeah, can we have an end of the world long rest? Ehh?
Tanam: Okay, that's fine
Harmony: Woohoo.
Tanam: then. I won't feel so bad about doing this.
Don: Okay, no.
Rozafeen: you don't sound like you feel bad about it at all.
Tanam: I don't.
Don: You still should.
Tanam: Okay. Would you like me to feel bad about it?
Rozafeen: Yeah!
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Yeah, at least a little.
Tanam: Okay.
Tanam: After you all introduce yourselves in response to Amtonit- you know, the murderer's- yelling at you, he stands up straighter and says, "SPIDERGUARD, TO ME!" and for like an awkward moment, nothing happens?
Rozafeen: Can I start slow-clapping?
Tanam: Yeah, that's a free action.
The Intern: Are these spiders different than the sexy spiders?
Rozafeen: I guess we'll find out.
Don: It really depends on what kinda what kind of spiders you're into, I think.
Harmony: I've always liked the hairy ones. Continue.
Rozafeen: Wow, we're going to need to unpack that... later.
Tanam: So the doors get smashed down and- like, maybe not smashed down. They're guards. They're probably not gonna be smashing doors. The doors get swung open and in pour 20 guards. These were the guys that you saw before, up at the blue gate, with the chainmail, and the black spider printed onto that, and onto their helmets, and stamps on their shields and stuff.
Vafrus: Mm hmm.
Tanam: And they stand in a circle around Amtonit.
Tanam: It is Ruffort's turn.
Vafrus: Okay. I have spells again, I guess.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Okay. Sure. I'll change my appearance to look like the cousin who's out the window.
Don: Excellent.
Vafrus: And then, I will cast a Major Image over the murderer who just called for the spider guard. And I will make it look as if he's got a bad illusion that's kind of failing, and underneath it is somebody else. And then I will order the spider guard to kick his ass.
Rozafeen: This is amazing.
Don: Yeah, I love it.
Tanam: I guess this is probably two Deception checks?
Vafrus: Sure.
Tanam: And they're just gonna both be opposed. I'm going to do a group Insight check for them.
Vafrus: I got 18 and a 25. And I can do a little better on one of them if I fail.
Tanam: You don't need to.
Vafrus: Yay! I'm good at the thing I built my character to be good at!
Tanam: So, they surround who they think is the person who called them in. But you step out as Achhiat, and, tell them to- to turn around, and they all look confused, but, like, start looking back over their shoulders, and "that intruder's disguise is flickering!" They all turn around, and he says, "What are you doing?! Kill them! Kill them!"
Vafrus: Every time he speaks I'll have the illusion make the sound also, but in a terrible way with a little bit of a delay.
Don: Excellent.
Vafrus: I learned, I learned this from you, Don. That, that adventure we had together. Turns out I'm very good at putting illusions over other people badly.
Don: Ohhhh. Yeah, Yeah, I did try to mess up a lot of your illusions. I mean, accidentally. Yeah.
Tanam: So, you did better than them. They believe you, but they are a little bit uncertain about what's going on with this.
Rozafeen: I want to help him out because Druidcraft lets me do small sensory effects, like little bits of wind, smells, sounds, so I want to create some sounds that kind of add to the mood of "this person has an awful crackling disguise that's melting around him."
Tanam: roll a Performance and we'll see.
Rozafeen: Alright. One second. I swear, I rolled a nat 20. Oh my god.
The Intern: Nice.
Harmony: Amazing.
Tanam: Okay!
Rozafeen: plus two.
Tanam: Okay, they believe it, and they all start brandishing their spears at him.
Vafrus: They have 20 turns in initiative order, right? Twenty attack rolls?
Rozafeen: Yes.
Vafrus: I can, I can start rolling for you if you need help, Tanam.
Rozafeen: I need to know what each NPC does to the level of detail this game deserves. How many of them have breakfast?
Tanam: How many of have had breakfast? That's an important thing to consider. If they're hungry, or if they're overfull, then they might not attack as well.
The Intern: Do they have a favorite breakfast place?
Don: And is it Beeb's?
Harmony: That's such a good question.
The Intern: Cuz if it isn't, then what are they even doing here?
Don: Exactly. Why are they even in this game, Tanam?
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: They're all starting to push in with their spears and he's screaming incoherently at this point.
Tanam: Can I get a Perception check from everybody?
Vafrus: This is the first time I've done good at this. Oh, I hope it counts for something. Okay. I rolled a 19, and with minus 2, that's a 17.
Tanam: that's pretty good.
The Intern: Your girlfriend would be so proud.
Harmony: Oh.
Vafrus: The Intern thinks I have a girlfriend! Take that, you all! Ha ha!
Don: If the Intern-
Rozafeen: The Intern's just being nice to you.
Vafrus: Because I really do! I know, I know how that sounded. No, it's like that!
Rozafeen: Maybe we call all roll well so we can perceive her.
Vafrus: Oh ow ha! That's probably it would take. But I mean, if the Intern is a god, and god believes in your girlfriend, I mean, that's pretty good. Because I still don't.
Rozafeen: I have an important question. Is this a sight based Perception? Because if I get to roll twice and take the better one, the second one was another nat 20.
The Intern: Damn!
Vafrus: The dice know this is the final boss battle.
Tanam: Should I be mistrusting your dice?
Rozafeen: No, no, the first one was only a 12, plus 7, but the second one was legit a nat 20-
Tanam: Yeah, this is sight based Perception.
Rozafeen: So, I see whatever's going on, and the girlfriend. Got it.
Vafrus: VINDICATION.
Tanam: So, those of you with good Perception see Amtonit-
Don: What qualifies as good, though?
The Intern: That's a philosophical question.
Rozafeen: Yeah, existential questions.
Don: I'm just saying, is this a History based Perception? Because otherwise, it got an 8.
Vafrus: Oh, I gonna guess nine. That's funny. Everyone but Don sees.
Tanam: Through the window that they had been blasted through, Achhiut sticks the top half of their body back in-
Vafrus: They climbed up the window again. That's gumption. Alright. Whatever this, whatever Achhiut does, they've earned it. Alright, come on.
Don: You gotta de- defenestrate. You can't defenestrate and then just- fenestrate.
Vafrus: Yeah!
Tanam: You're on the ground floor, so it's not like they scaled the building or something.
Vafrus: Oh, okay. I was imagining a little bit higher up.
Don: I know, right?
Tanam: Yeah, no. It was a little pocket garden.
Vafrus: Alright. So, they spent their turn doing this, so I'm- this makes sense to me. They got back halfway in the window. Alright.
The Intern: Hellena, what about your slap ring?
Rozafeen: Yeah, yeah, are we even in initiative order anymore, or are we just all standing around watching that one dude get beat up? Because if we're not, I need to slap the cousin. it's not me slapping the cousin. Technically, like, something's got to crawl out of somewhere or fly past somewhere. Maybe like a really big bird, like a, like a swan slap.
Vafrus: hey, didn't you retire that?
Rozafeen: Semi-retired.
Vafrus: Also, I didn't know that slap spell could work on anyone else. I thought it was just for me.
The Intern: Yeah, so did I.
Vafrus: I thought it couldn't work on anybody else but me.
Rozafeen: Oh, it's a ring, baby. You're just the only one I keep getting mad at.
Vafrus: Oh.
Rozafeen: I mean, yes, yes. It only works on you except for this one time.
Tanam: Okay. You were doing the Druidcraft thing. I don't think we ever decided if the ring was like a bonus action or something, but, okay. We'll say it is.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Tanam: And, a frog jumps up out of the little pocket garden there, up onto the windowsill, and Achhiut looks down at the frog, and the frog slaps them across the face, and jumps back into the garden.
Vafrus: Let that be a lesson to you. A message from Frog Jimmy.
The Intern: Wait, is this a third Jimmy?
Don: Yeah, we're all named Jimmy now. You didn't know?
Rozafeen: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! You said it's my turn next, right?
Tanam: no, but no, you did, You already did the-
Vafrus: So Ruffort Jimmy wants go now.
Rozafeen: Well, no, I, you went, I went, if we're still in initiative order, it's probably, I don't know. Urekas's turn or something.
Vafrus: Whose turn is it, Tanam?
Tanam: Uh, it is freaking Achhiut's turn, okay?
Rozafeen: It's not their turn, because they suck.
Don: Yeah, they just got slapped by a frog. I'm pretty sure that interrupts initiative, right?
Vafrus: Okay,
We have to respect Tanam as the DM.
Tanam: Why start now?
Vafrus: The DM gets to decide whose turn it is.
Don: No, good point. It is the end of the world. We should let the DM decide.
Vafrus: That's a special treat, Tanam.
Tanam: ugh. thanks?
Vafrus: Whose turn is it next?
Tanam: Freaking Achhiut's turn. Okay? And having been slapped by the frog, and seeing their cousin surrounded by spider guard with spears, throws both hands out and starts screaming a spell and it strikes-
Vafrus: Counterspell again.
The Intern: Hell yeah.
Don: Those spell slots really came in handy, didn't they?
Tanam: I'm regretting it.
Vafrus: Sorry, Tanam is this plot relevant? I can not Counterspell if you want. can say I was too busy admiring Urekas.
Harmony: Oh! Well, thank you. Intern, did you hear that?
The Intern: I did hear that Urekas was very admirable.
Harmony: Can work on the tone.
Don: Was it, ah, from Urekas by any chance? Because that's- that's usually how that goes.
Harmony: What were you saying, Tanam?
Tanam: Okay, so that's a 7th level spell.
Vafrus: Oh, well then they can roll.
Tanam: Oh, oh! That's right! Yeah! They can roll!
Vafrus: DC is, oh, I roll and I have to roll 10 plus the spell's level. So I have to get a-
Tanam: Oh, the countered spells level?
Vafrus: yeah
Tanam: Okay, you have to get seventeen.
Vafrus: so I have to actually roll kind of well. And I didn't. Got a 10.
Tanam: Oh nooooo.
Vafrus: Alright, try to Counterspell.
Tanam: It strikes Amtonit-
Vafrus: but but it could strike Smart Jimmy though Did you think about that?
The Intern: Not Smart Jimmy!
Rozafeen: Yeah, we love Smart Jimmy.
Tanam: It strikes Amtonit and he falls to the ground, and the soldiers who are about to skewer him back up. He starts to twist and grow and gets way hairier than he was before.
Rozafeen: So, Urekas is into him now.
Harmony: Oh yeah.
Vafrus: How will I compete?
Tanam: Yep, , cuz there's four additional limbs Four additional limbs sprout out of him. His face contorts and grows these massive teeth. And he starts to grow. And grow. It's a pretty high ceilinged room, but his body is stretching and there's cracks as the ceiling starts to go, as this spider emerges from where Amtonit was standing.
The Intern: Hot.
Harmony: Right?
Vafrus: Well, Spiderguard, this is what you've trained for. Earn your name.
Tanam: oh yeah, you still look like the cousin!
Vafrus: Sure I do, yeah.
Rozafeen: And let the record show that that other guy is a traitor.
Vafrus: This is what you've trained for, Spiderguard. Earn your name.
Tanam: Okay, they're gonna- Oh, you know what? I said there's 20 of them. Thirteen of them stay.
Vafrus: Also, kill that terrible sorcerer who's so mangled from the glass and everything you can't recognize who they are.
Rozafeen: No no no! Guard! No! You focus on the scary spider; we will take care of the cousin.
Vafrus: Yes!
Tanam: Up next in initiative is Justice.
Rozafeen: Well, she is gonna run at the cousin.
Tanam: Uh, go attack the spider leg?
Rozafeen: No, No, no, no, no-
Vafrus: the window person.
Tanam: Oh, oh, oh, oh-
Rozafeen: We can't be having somebody with 7th level spells just chilling uncountered.
Vafrus: The next one might be real bad.
Tanam: This is so fitting, if you remember, Achhiat has met Justice before, back when they asked who the animal belonged to.
The Intern: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: Okay, jumping through the window and attacking them out in the garden?
Rozafeen: Sure.
Don: are they still hanging on to the ledge, or are they on the floor?
Tanam: They're sticking the top half of their body through the window. They're like standing on the ground outside and sticking their body through.
Don: Okay, so they're creepy, got it.
Vafrus: That's the same as prone right so that's advantage to Justice?
Rozafeen: I'm rolling a bite and a claw, that's an 18 on the bite, and a 15 on the claw.
Tanam: yeah those both hit.
Rozafeen: Great! Good.
Vafrus: Justice casts Cheetah Counterspell.
Rozafeen: Okay, so that is eight points of distracting damage.
Tanam: I'm gonna say that, Justice smacks them into the window, and they're gonna take another six damage from the glass.
Rozafeen: I don't hate that.
Tanam: Justice is still inside, but Achhiat has fallen back outside, screaming.
Tanam: And, the spider is moving, trying to shake itself free of the building that it has smashed through the ceiling of. The legs are going everywhere, so, I'm gonna ask everyone to make a Dexterity saving throw.
Don: Six,
Rozafeen: 21.
Harmony: Fifteen.
Vafrus: Not good. Nine. Think I'll use the talisman on that one. Alright! All the way up to 11.
Tanam: Okay. Anything lower than 14-
Vafrus: Awww
Tanam: -fails the Dexterity saving throw. So everybody who failed saving from spider leg, takes 7 damage.
Vafrus: Awww.
Tanam: Up next is Urekas.
Harmony: Okay, I would like to use Talk to Animals to tell smart Jimmy to give all of my money and all my possessions to the Intern.
The Intern: Oh?
Rozafeen: This is confusing.
Don: You, um- You know this is just a game, right?
Tanam: Uh... Um...
Harmony: Okay, and if I can't do that, then I tell smart Jimmy all my money, all my possessions, if you get all the animals to attack our enemies right now.
Don: Oh, that's pretty smart.
Tanam: So you're trying to make a deal with Smart Jimmy-
Rozafeen: Jimmy, don't do it, she'll never pay.
Harmony: And I'm using deception. And I hope the Intern didn't hear that. I would never use that on you. Just, you know.
The Intern: I heard nothing. but I can also hear you.
Harmony: Oh, sorry, I'm just, I'm so excited. Anyway. Continue.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: So Tanam, does Jimmy have power over all the spiders in the land, is the question.
The Intern: Even the ones at Ikky's?
Vafrus: Yes, how many of Ikky's spiders can Smart Jimmy summon from the future?
I feel like it's a lot, right? At least 20.
Rozafeen: I mean, while we're having Urekas get Smart Jimmy to get other animals to do an attack, maybe Ruffort could walk over and press Georg's buttons.
Don: Uhhhh Hey maybe leave those alone. Those are important buttons!
Tanam: It's not. Ruffort's. Turn.
Okay, and you're talking to Smart Jimmy, and you're deceiving Smart Jimmy into believing that He will be super rewarded if he... gets all of the local animals to assault your enemies?
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy has seen the cult, so, like...,
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, it's true.
Harmony: That said, Smart Jimmy likes compliments. I'm like, Jimmy, your legs look really good today.
Tanam: okay, you can, you can roll with advantage.
Vafrus: it's very important.
Harmony: 18.
Tanam: Okay. Um, and that's including your Deception bonuses.
Harmony: Yeah my Deception is plus 10
Don: Turns out, Jimmy's reeeaaally, really happy about his legs.
Rozafeen: I mean, it's canon that Jimmy never skips leg day.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: I didn't, realize my image of Smart Jimmy has been wrong this whole time.
Don: I know, me too. I've suddenly upped his, uh, calves.
Tanam: Okay. Would you like to give us a sample of what you tell him?
Harmony: Your legs look really good and everybody's noticed.
Vafrus: Tanam, in what way does Smart Jimmy influence the battle in our favor?
Tanam: Smart Jimmy says, "Of course, Urekas! For you, anything!"
Vafrus: Yes!
We all can understand, right?
Tanam: No.
Rozafeen: This whole time.
Tanam: He just likes it when you spend spell slots to talk to him. Okay, fine.
Don: Sure, fine. Jimmy's spoken the whole time. The world's ending, I don't care.
Tanam: So, Smart Jimmy flies off, out through the hole in the ceiling that the spider has made with all the leg thrashing.
Tanam: Okay. Georg.
Don: Okay, so, in what state is Amtonit in?
Rozafeen: Please, please, please, the murderer and the cousin.
Don: I- sorry, sorry. uhhhh, which- which one is Amtonit?
Tanam: are talking about the one who cast the spell, or the giant spider?
Don: The spellcaster.
Tanam: That's Achhiat, the cousin.
Don: Oh, Achhiut, not Amtonit Ah, I've gotten it all wrong.
Tanam: think this is why we- why we picked the other names.
Don: Yeah, uh, the Spellcaster.
Tanam: They are back in the garden. They were screaming getting, smashed through glass by Justice's pounce.
Vafrus: They've developed a case of face cheetah.
Tanam: And glasshead?
Don: Those both sound like very serious conditions.
Tanam: Yes.
Don: okay, spider then. Uh, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go up to one of the six and or eight legs that the spider has.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Ah, and I am going to punch it. As Georg tends to do,
Tanam: Yup.
Don: Very hard.
Tanam: Okay. I will give you Advantage because, the spider cannot see you and is still getting used to the legs.
Don: Okay, so that's a 23 and a 21-
Tanam: Okay, yeah.
Don: uh, and 11... 22 damage, they both rolled 11, to one leg, just one leg,
Tanam: Okay.
Don: The hariest of the legs, ideally.
Tanam: Oh, you picked the hairiest, that's important.
Don: Yeah, I didn't want- I got jealous of Urekas um, affections about the leg, so.
Harmony: Thank you for admitting it.
Don: You what, it- I've been trying to make up for trying to take you on a date somewhere this entire time, and I thought that it would be, I don't know, impressive or something if I punched a spider really hard.
Harmony: It only took the end of the world for you to admit you have feelings.
Rozafeen: Ohhhh?
Don: Well, I'dknow, I mean... It's a lot.
Harmony: What was that?
Don: Nothing.
Harmony: I think you were muttering. Did you have something say?
Don: Ahh. I still think you're really cute. Even after I messed up our date, and you wrote a book about me, and possibly a second book that's in the works.
The Intern: Oh my god, the drama!
Harmony: I am writing the second book.
Tanam: Oh, congratulations!
Don: Oh, screw you guys. That book's- You know it's gonna be like, "Don. He sucks."
Rozafeen: at least she's not hitting you with indifference.
Don: That's fair... I guess.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Anyway, spider leg.
Tanam: Lots of damage.
Don: Mm hmm.
Tanam: I think the spider, uh, from that assault does stumble, and all of the legs are now out of the building, and large chunks of the building are missing. So, you all have a good view to the outside, where the spider is stumbling around.
Tanam: And it is now the spider's turn.
Don: Wait just a second.
Tanam: Oh?
Don: I would like to use my bonus action-
Tanam: Oh! Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Don: because, I realized that, uh, upon punching the spider, because everyone else is doing things that are really smart, and, uh, I just punched something, so, it does have disadvantage when it attacks anything but me, and I don't know if it knows that, but I know that. And I would like to give myself six temporary hit points, uh, by using my defensive field.
Tanam: Okay!
Don: So I I- make sure that my shield is, you know, raised and in the, uh, locked and ready position.
Tanam: Okay. Up next is...
Vafrus: Also one more note Ruffort cast two spells without rolling his weird magic,
Tanam: Ohhhh!
Vafrus: So I went ahead and rolled them. And one of them went off-
The Intern: Here we goooo!
Vafrus: Now, my voice has to sound calm and gentle no matter what I'm saying for the rest of the game.
Don: That just sounds like normal, right?
Vafrus: Everyone. Run for cover.
Don: You know what? Never mind, Georg takes a nap. That was too relaxing.
Tanam: Okay, so the spider is going to... hmm. Oh, so many people to pick from!
Harmony: Uh-oh.
Don: Uh, take a nap. It's gonna take a nap.
Tanam: Let's see, the spider- the spider eats a guard.
Harmony: Awww.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Don: Well, that's unfair. To the guard.
Vafrus: I am terrified.
Harmony: You need to take an acting class.
Vafrus: No, no. See, I have to speak calmly for the rest of the game.
Harmony: I apologize.
Don: I still think it would've been better if the spider took a nap due to Vafrus calm voice.
Tanam: Okay. Achhiut climbs out of the wreckage, looks up at their cousin and screams, "Cousin!"
Vafrus: Your cousin has been eating people. He might not respond the way you think. "
Tanam: To the Great Gambling Hall! Push it into the ocean, push it into the ocean!" And the spider just completely ignores them-
Vafrus: " You should have invested in the spell that lets them keep their intelligence score, I think.
Tanam: and as a bonus action spider eats another dude.
Vafrus: Spider can eat people as a bonus action.
Don: I mean, you never had a snack and then gone like, "Awww, I need a bonus snack."
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah. no, I- I didn't realize we were like a bunch of nuts trying to fight someone. Like
Don: no, that's why they call it a bonus snacktion.
Vafrus: yeah.
Don: Ayyyyyyyyyyy.
Tanam: Okay. Uh. Ruffort's turn.
Vafrus: Okay, um, I feel like, they've got this, this is fine. I start running away, "This way Urekas! I'll save you! And I just book it.
Harmony: Okay. Do I get like a piggyback ride or something?
Vafrus: absolutely, I will try my very best, which is not great.
Tanam: Okay. I guess an acrobatics from Urekas and a, uh, whatever you want to do to try to make this work.
Vafrus: I'm pretty sure this is Strength, which is severely depleted because somebody has been, like, futzing with hot rocks for some reason. I don't know.
Tanam: I thought it was just your Constitution, I thought your Strength was fine.
Vafrus: Oh, you're right, yeah. My strength is the same as it's always been. Alright, yeah, this is just a straight roll. But I do have my little talisman. Maybe, maybe?
Don: Wait, did you ever find out that that thing just makes you drunk?
Tanam: No, no, no. That's the tiara.
Don: Oh, sorry, it was just the tiara. Got it.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, no. I've had a lot of cursed things on me. It's okay to get them confused. Okay, okay. Well, that's a six. With the talisman, it's a nine.
Tanam: Okay. What was Urekas's Acrobatics check?
Harmony: 21.
Tanam: Okay. That'll make up for it.
Vafrus: Are- are you sure? I feel like that means she, like, perfectly pirouettes and lands exactly right on me, and then, like, crushes me into the dirt.
Harmony: And then all of my followers jump on top of me to save me.
Vafrus: Yes!!!
Harmony: So now we're just a pile.
Vafrus: Yes!!!
Tanam: Okay. Okay, there's a big pile now, I guess.
Vafrus: That seems like a good turn.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Being crushed to death by Urekas, that's how I've always wanted to go.
Don: If it helps, I can yell, "Damn it, Ruffort, I need help with this giant freaking spider!"
Vafrus: yeah!
The Intern: Does your girlfriend know about this fantasy that you have about Urekas?
Vafrus: Oh, nobody tell my girlfriend! Uh, I do- I do like the alternate headcanon, where Georg is like, "Okay, Ruffort, now I've got him where I want!" Like-
Don: I just like that the intern thinks you have a girlfriend.
Tanam: last time that you guys tried to coordinate, I believe you both got run over by bubbles.
Vafrus: Yes, yes, it's just like that.
Tanam: Speaking of! Tagak and Teep are out there, and they're running towards the spider.
Don: The big spider?
Tanam: Towards the big spider.
Vafrus: No, don't do it! You're the best characters we've got!
Don: I mean, except Beeb. Beeb could be running towards the spider. We'd have to save him.
Tanam: So Tagak is brandishing, like a post or something?
The Intern: a post? Doesn't she normally have tongs? Isn't that like her whole thing, is the tongs?
Rozafeen: Yes
beating things, to death with tongs is definitely a Tagak staple.
Don: It was like one spider, one time.
The Intern: What's she doin' with a post?
Tanam: Brandishing it.
The Intern: But how's she gonna do the little click click thing to make sure that they work?
Don: It's a good point. Maybe it's two posts and she can click them together?
Tanam: It's one big post, okay? It was like a decorative thing that was around the little lake where the replica of the Sorceress's oasis was.
The Intern: Are we supposed to know the history of oasis too?
Tanam: has clearly pulled up one post from the ground and is brandishing it, charging towards the giant spider. Running along next to her is Teep, and Teep's hands are glowing with green fire.
Vafrus: it's what happens if you hold the hot rocks for too long.
The Intern: Not like, you'd know Vafrus, anything about hot rocks.
Vafrus: Ohhhhhhh! burned by the Intern.
The Intern: Intern burn!
Don: Almost as bad as the hot rocks burn you got.
Tanam: heh.
Tanam: Up next, Hellena's turn.
Rozafeen: I'd like to cast enlarge on Tagak.
Harmony: Ooooo!
Don: Hell yeah.
Tanam: It seems fair. uh, How much bigger can you make Tagak?
Rozafeen: Oh, don't trouble me with these technicalities.
Vafrus: I'm pretty sure it's 1, 000 times.
Rozafeen: Double all dimensions. Eight times weight.
Vafrus: that's what it would be if the world wasn't ending, pretty sure there's a little note at the bottom that says, in case of end of world, one thousand times.
Tanam: Okay, I think- what? Like- four thousand feet tall is maybe a bit much?
Vafrus: okay, we'll compromise.
Rozafeen: Why don't you just make her whatever size is funny.
Tanam: Okay, you cast Enlarge, and Tagak-
Vafrus: Kloyal is crushed beneath her boot! Yeah!
Don: Kla-oil is crushed beneath her boot.
The Intern: Yeah, I cannot figure out what the other thing is, so I think it's just, in my head, it's just been Kloyal.
Vafrus: The Intern agrees with me! Ha! Ha ha! You have been saying it wrong! It's Kloyal! Did you hear?
Don: I mean, the Intern didn't really invent the- It's still Kla-oil.
Vafrus: if everybody in the city says it one way, but God says it another, God wins.
The Intern: I don't know, man. Kloyal's easier. Kloyal's a lot easier. I think you should just go with it.
Rozafeen: Agree to disagree.
Don: You say it wrong every time. This is why gods are wrong.
Tanam: Sorry, I'm having a bit of a theological crisis here.
Vafrus: Oh this? This is what breaks it for you, Tanam? Reconsidering your faith now?
The Intern: I mean, doesn't really matter how we pronounce it if nobody even knows anything about it, right?
Harmony: Oh, wow.
Don: was good.
Rozafeen: That was a good one.
Tanam: I'm not the one who has lived there for as long as you have.
Harmony: The end of the world is tearing us apart.
Tanam: No, Tagak is tearing everything apart,
Vafrus: C'mon Tagak!
Tanam: Now that she's huge.
Vafrus: Do it!
Tanam: So she is, we'll say, the same size as the spider,
Vafrus: Ah, yes. Eight times the the weight is before, right? Yes.
Tanam: Look, I'm not good at math, okay? She wrestles the spider, okay? She hits-
Vafrus: Go Tagak!
Tanam: Okay-
Don: Supplex him, Tagak!
The Intern: You got this, Tagak! I believe in you.
Don: wait, quick, Rozafeen!
Rozafeen: Yo.
Don: Have Hellena make a really big pair of tongs and you can give them to Tagak so that we can relive our fantasy.
Rozafeen: Okay, I don't know, will the DM grant that for some reason Hellena has tongs on her person that she chucks to Tagak, who then grabs them in the air right before being enlarged?
Tanam: Okay, fine, fine. You can- Hellena throws her tongs, that she has conveniently in her mirror bag.
Don: Awesome. Okay, now quick click ' em to make sure they work.
Tanam: Tagak leaps into the air to grab the tongs, lands on the ground- mid run- and keeps going, clicking the tongs as she goes. Then grows and the, the tongs grow with her 'cause they're her, her equipment now. Okay. Cool.
Vafrus: This is the best thing that has ever happened. You can tell how excited I am by my voice.
Tanam: Tagak beats the spider with her now giant tongs.
Don: quick flip the spider over. I think it's done.
Tanam: Okay, so that's Hellena's turn, we'll put Tagak there, next in the order, and then Teep after that.
Tanam: So, Teep turns around, runs over to y'all, hands still glowing with green fire, is like, "okay, who else is there?"
Vafrus: My hand emerges from below the pile of everyone, points toward the window.
Tanam: This window that is just standing there with nothing else around it. It's the bricks beneath it, and then there's just like, a window on top of the pile of bricks.
Vafrus: And I forgot I'm supposed to be talking calmly. Over there, child. Oh, my bones. Oh, bones, so hurt.
Tanam: Teep takes a moment to look at you, and, screams and just blasts the window apart.
Vafrus: cause that was the problem, the window. Was-
Tanam: and Achhiut is, back past the window, but now there's nothing in between. Yes, this is, it's very, very dramatic.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: okay, so, that's Teep's turn.
Tanam: We're back to Achhiat the cousin. They look up into the sky and start glowing with light and screaming some words. And, up from the, forest, there's a huge racket.
Don: Are we talking about a tennis racket, or, um-
Vafrus: No, No, this is the reckoning of Jimmy.
Don: Oh no!
Tanam: well-
Vafrus: y'all havee done it now.
Tanam: so, out of the forest is coming the reckoning of Achhiut. Which is a bunch of little giant spiders, I guess, you know, not like, I mean, calling them giant spiders now kind of seems silly, being that there's the, you know, giant spider currently wrestling with Tagak. But these are like the normal giant spiders.
The Intern: As opposed to the giant, giant spiders.
Tanam: and they're coming running up out of the forest in response to Achhiut's summons. And then, yes, at the same time, from the north, there is a great racket of birds. And the sky is darkened by the birds that are coming. And probably Hellena and nobody else can see, that Smart Jimmy is at the front, but I think you all know,
Vafrus: What are you talking about? I can see great from underneath this pile of people with my minus two Perception.
Tanam: As they come flying in they're flying at spiders.
Tanam: it is, uh, Justice's turn.
Rozafeen: Well, she is gonna run at the cousin.
Tanam: head back in there?
Vafrus: You, you really have to cure face cheetah early.
Rozafeen: Okay, so that's a 16 to bite and a 23 to claw.
Tanam: both of those hit.
Don: We're gonna have to start a face cheetah awareness group.
The Intern: Face Cheetah Awareness Month.
Tanam: Assuming you're rolling damage.
Rozafeen: I am. Okay. That is another, ooh, 10 points of damage.
Tanam: Nice. Is this full on prone situation, is this a pounce?
Rozafeen: I think that we're gonna stick with. I want them to be easy to hit, not prone.
Tanam: Okay. Achhiut is like, "achgggghhh," but still standing up.
Vafrus: Still standing up. Okay. they did cast a 7th level spell, so I guess, like, maybe they have some hit points, I Yeah.
Tanam: Urekas, it's your turn.
The Intern: You could make another thousand year suggestion. I bet this one lasts for a thousand years.
Don: Okay. Mr. Sarcasm.
Harmony: yeah
The Intern: I have no idea what you're talking about, that was sincere.
Don: Mm-hmm. Totally.
The Intern: really, really confident that this one actually will last for a thousand years, actually.
Harmony: Thank you.
The Intern: Mm-hmm.
Harmony: Okay, I would like to use Enthralling Performance to sing happy birthday to the Intern. That's smart, right?
Don: That's probably the best use of your turn.
Harmony: Happy birthdaaaaay
Tanam: Do I need to move you-
Harmony: Nobody's stopping me.
Tanam: Further away?
Harmony: Okay, fine. Um. Maybe I could give a motivational speech to the birds?
The Intern: I don't really know if time is different here than it is where I come from. Is it my birthday?
Don: It's definitely different.
Harmony: Happy birthday-
Rozafeen: it's always your birthday.
The Intern: Wow!
Tanam: Okay, who are you going to try to inspire in the, in the game?
Harmony: So, not, I mean, it's the Intern's birthday, I feel like you're being a little rude. Um, the birds, I suppose.
Don: Waaait, wait, was this whole thing happy bird-day Happy bird-day to you? That's horrible. That's like a joke I would make. I mean, it's great. It's super great. Cause it's a joke I would make.
Harmony: See, we have some things in common. There's a reason we went out.
Tanam: What would you like to do in the game?
Harmony: Okay, I would like to sing happy birthday to the Intern and to the birds.
Tanam: You're inspiring the birds?
Harmony: Uh, yeah, I'm inspiring the birds, and I'm inspiring the Intern. Just, I mean, I'm not saying the Intern is gonna cheat to help us win or anything, but...
The Intern: I mean, singing Happy Bird Day to the Birds would inspire me if I was a bird if they were saying it's a happy day for birds.
Harmony: Happy bird-day to
Tanam: the birds are inspired by your performance. They have, what is it? A, a d eight of uh. Inspiration?
Don: It's a D eight that they all get. Every single, individual bird. Do with that what you will.
Tanam: They're going against the spiders, super inspired and kind of creeped out, with Smart Jimmy at their head.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: pew, pew.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Heyyyyyyyy-
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles,
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Jokes are hard.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: just keep in the part where Harmony tells me I need an acting class.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: nobody else is laughing and it's just me laughing at my own joke that I just set up.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss. Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Don: Yeah, no, that wasn't a good apology. I don't even like it. Is uh, Is Achhiut actually still visible?
Tanam: The window has been blasted, out of the way, and, yes, Achhiut is visible.
Don: Okay, I just wasn't sure if Achhiut got buried in, uh-
Tanam: In rubble?
Don: cheetah.