The Intern: Uh, we don't have much time. It's Coffee, Cults, and Empires, and I'm the Intern. Got another voicemail.
The Boss: Why don't you ever answer the phone?! It's a phone; you're supposed to get calls on it! Whatever. It doesn't matter. Look, they're coming for it soon. I don't think they care if you're sleeping in front of it or snuggling it. If you have any new non-sleeping-bag-based ideas, now's the time to execute.
Don: Things are getting really weird, guys.
Harmony: Super weird.
Tanam: I-
Rozafeen: Like what?
Vafrus: Tanam?
Don: Yeah, you've been really weird recently.
Rozafeen: recently?
Don: Well, that's fair. Always.
Tanam: The sky has been... pretty unsettling?
Don: More unsettling than usual when our sky gets odd writing on it that we don't understand?
Tanam: Well, I mean, it's just that, like, I know that y'all don't put much stock in the words of the gods, but, for people who follow these things, like, it's been different, like, more different than it has before, if that makes sense.
Vafrus: Yeah. We're, we're coming up on the deadline, right? It's like the fourth time they're gonna end the world or whatever. Fourth time's the charm, right? Like. "We got it this time, guys, for sure!"
Don: I mean, the fourth time today they're gonna end the world.
Vafrus: It's gonna be fine, Tanam.
Harmony: Are you secretly religious?
Don: This would make a lot of sense.
Vafrus: It would be news to me.
Rozafeen: Are you going to find the deities or at least finally your girlfriend?
Vafrus: Ooh. Yeah. See, that's, that's how you know the world's not going to end yet: because y'all haven't met my girlfriend.
Rozafeen: I also haven't heard anything about like major series of earthquakes so that's a good sign. So far?
Don: Yeah. there would definitely be earthquakes in the apocalypse, right?
Vafrus: Yeah. Or at least like, you know, won't the Intern like rain us with more coffee beans or something?
Rozafeen: Like everything tilts sideways.
Don: Why?
Harmony: What was that?
Rozafeen: I said or maybe everything tilts sideways...
Tanam: uh, I, I think that it'd probably be best for me to, uh, to, uh, just dive on in, uh, and, and not worry about this. Because there is, like, super nothing I can do about it.
Rozafeen: I think that's what the Intern would want.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, you know, even if the world is gonna end, we might as well finish the game, right?
Don: Yeah, I mean, if the world's gonna end, we can't do anything, we should just have fun, enjoy ourselves.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I mean I can't have the world ending without getting answers to certain questions like for example: is the Mindlord in on it or is he just here and sexy? I can't die not knowing that.
Don: Is Urekas ever gonna hook up with the Mindlord?
Rozafeen: I mean, yeah.
Vafrus: I've-
Don: Will they or won't they?
Vafrus: I- I feel like there was an opportunity and it ended in "won't they."
Harmony: it's just really subtle chemistry that you guys wouldn't understand.
Vafrus: My relationship is "we never talk or think about each other."
Harmony: Again, are you talking about yourself or me?
Vafrus: She's real, godsdamnit.
Rozafeen: Listen, just because she made the Mindlord cuddle and then sent him away doesn't mean he's not itching for more. In fact, he's probably even more interested now.
Vafrus: He probably is, but we've not mentioned him for, like, a long time.
Rozafeen: I know and I'm saying I can't die without knowing his resolution.
Vafrus: Okay. Alright, Tanam, in the middle of this fight, you have to make the Mindlord show up. So we can get resolution.
Tanam: I mean, like-
Vafrus: Actually, I have a few other things I want to know about as well. Uh, how does my character's whole deal with like the evil prince that he worships end? Uh, let's wrap that up just real quick how 'bout?
Rozafeen: Okay, so other things that need to be answered: Where am I putting my line of coconut trees?
Vafrus: I think it has to be in the office of this fight we're about to have, right?
Rozafeen: Oh, yes.
Tanam: it is on the ground floor, so...
Rozafeen: The trees outlive the structure. I love it. oh, oh, you know what else I have to know? What is the deal with the bathroom in that rental house?
Vafrus: I feel like we've talked about that a lot though.
Rozafeen: We've talked about it existing, we've talked about how it was a cover for the mirror, like I get all of that, but who built it? Was it the Second? Is he in on it, or is he just a giant idiot?
Tanam: I mean, we do know that he's a giant idiot, so...
Rozafeen: Is he just a giant idiot?
Vafrus: So Tanam, while we're in the boss fight, there has to be a monologue explaining all of these things.
Tanam: Huh. Okay.
Don: We promise we won't interrupt it and just kill the boss.
Rozafeen: I make no such promises.
Don: That would not be something that we would do.
Vafrus: Fools! Now you've fallen into my plan that had started that time I built that bathroom in the Second's house!
Rozafeen: I think if we accidentally kill him before his monologue is over, you should just make Beeb appear.
Don: Beeb is the real boss.
Vafrus: That feels appropriate. I think, I believe that actually. It's probably true. We should go fight Beeb, just in case.
Don: I just want him to say, "you fools! I could have poisoned you anytime! You couldn't get enough of my pancakes, and now I have to make you into one!"
Vafrus: I do feel like if any villain in this story were to cry, "you fools" at us, they'd be correct. Like, yeah, all right, fair.
Don: You're like, well, that's hurtful, but...
Tanam: ...but I can see your point.
Vafrus: St- strong opening. Yeah. All right. What else you have to say? We are going to fight, right? Like, I've used up two of my spells. There's, there's no way we, like-
Rozafeen: Yeah, pretty sure we got to kill.
Vafrus: I only have a, I only have three.
Don: I like that just like, "yeah, I mean, at this point, like, can't have witnesses."
Vafrus: Yeah!
Rozafeen: I mean, that's what the recording taught us, right?
Vafrus: the choices are, it's this, or we're going to have to spend another year trying to figure out the next suspect. And, uh, the world's ending, so we don't, we don't got time.
Don: Just gotta get a move on. I get it.
Rozafeen: Oh, oh! The villain, the potential villain in front of us was gonna do some sort of monologue about the Sorceress, right?
Tanam: Wait, so let's see...
Rozafeen: didn't we, like, ask about her and they got all weird?
Tanam: yeah, okay, so you're in Achhiut's office, you had gone looking for Amtonit...
Vafrus: Is Amtonit actually the cousin of Achhiut?
Tanam: Yeah, cousin.
Vafrus: Okay, so cousin and rich bad guy. Here's what we got. All right.
Tanam: Well, I mean, presumably both rich.
Vafrus: Fine.
Rozafeen: Yeah, cousin, and straight up murderer bad guy.
Tanam: Direct murderer. Stabbed a guy while being recorded.
Don: I feel like he really walked into that one.
Harmony: Wow.
Don: You're welcome.
Tanam: Okay, Amtonit was the one who that you are pretty certain killed the guard and initiated the spider thing.
Vafrus: But we're talking to the person who is not the murdered somebody on recording. This is just a random other rich person related- a cousin of the murderer.
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: Okay, so we got the murderer and the cousin. These are the two people we can talk about.
Tanam: Yes. And the cousin is also the merchant, who you met way back in the Hall.
Vafrus: Yep, and they've got feelings about the Sorceress.
Tanam: Yes! Smart Jimmy went and menaced, on, on Urekas's request.
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy's such a good detective.
Harmony: Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this last time, but Smart Jimmy and I are wearing matching outfits. Please continue.
Vafrus: Wait, I remember you were wearing an outrageous outfit, but I can't remember what it was.
Tanam: But now it's black feathers?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, so Smart Jimmy actually has some followers of his own, and they made him an outfit. Have even more feathers. They plucked their own feathers and gave them to him, so he looks really cool.
Tanam: And so your matching outfit is just lots of feathers?
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: This is important context.
Don: I mean, he was getting met. It's not like she had anything better to do.
Vafrus: How are we supposed to solve this mystery if we don't know what Smart Jimmy is wearing? heh heh
Tanam: I mean, this is important because Urekas said that Smart Jimmy is a Sorceress's familiar. they responded with, like, "What do you have to do with the Sorceress?" In a kind of, like, afraid way. And, "she's our friend." Was the reply. Roll me a Deception!
Don: I mean, her daughter and daughter's lover are obviously traveling with us, so we have her full support-
Harmony: 19!
Don: -is all I can imagine.
Tanam: Wait, sorry, what-?
Harmony: Oh, I'm sorry, I cut you off. I was just so excited! 19.
Vafrus: Super favorite. heh
Tanam: Now Urekas has quick changed from an outfit that she was wearing before, which was very ostentatious, into a separate new outfit, which is covered in black feathers that looks a lot like Smart Jimmy, and is reminiscent of the bird spies that the Sorceress has. I feel like this is, in fact, very relevant to how freaked out Achhiut is about the situation.
Don: All of the bird spies are actually bards now.
Harmony: Yeah, my outfit has wings, by the way, so I flap my wings while the birds flap their wings in solidarity.
Tanam: But you can't fly with those, okay? I'm drawing a line.
Harmony: I haven't rolled yet.
Tanam: They are, they are decorative.
Rozafeen: Monologue. Monologue.
Tanam: Uh, okay. So we want a Achhiut monologue, huh?
Rozafeen: Monologue!
Tanam: Wasn't like, a chair between the two of you? They were using it as like a barrier.
Vafrus: Okay, alright, how much cover does a chair provide? We shall find out- hopefully- any moment now!
Tanam: Okay. I'm going to count all that that happened as a good Intimidation roll. The deception was good and the quick change is good. Intimidated. "You're here for her... why? We paid for the mirror. So, that can't be why you're- you're here."
Rozafeen: You sound like you have a guilty conscience. How about you tell us why you think we're here?
Tanam: Achhiut, cowers down behind the chair as if it's going to do anything, "We're all paid up on everything, she has no reason to be upset with us!" And then, from one of the side doors of their office, in steps someone else who looks a lot like Achhiut. Has the, bushy grey beard, also bald, with a tanned rough skin, he is a little bit younger, probably, and he strides into the room, slams the door behind himself, and says, "What are you lot doing here? Leave my cousin alone."
Don: Do we recognize this person? And, you know, their murderous ways?
Rozafeen: Yeah, was that a long way of saying murder guy just walked in?
Tanam: You have never seen him before, but he is the cousin, and the voice sounds familiar, and yes, it's probably Murder Guy.
Rozafeen: Great.
Tanam: I'm sorry for not being more direct about that. But yeah, so Murder Guy walks in.
Vafrus: Thank you, Rozafeen . The true hero here.
Harmony: Well, I tell him, "You leave your cousin alone!" Then I flap my wings at him. By shaking my body, of course.
Don: Very intimidating.
Harmony: And I ask all the birds to follow, and they start flapping their wings, too.
Tanam: So we've got the two plus Smart Jimmy so the three of them?
Harmony: Mhm.
Tanam: So, as you have correctly guessed, Amtonit, is in fact standing there and he stares at the bird flapping snorts a bit, looks over to Achhiut, and says, "Oh, is this that lot you were telling me about from the Gambling Hall?"
Vafrus: Ooh, they talk about us.
Harmony: Everyone talks about me. You'll get used to it.
Vafrus: We were explicitly told earlier that the murderer guy wasn't here. So like his presence is a proof of lie.
Don: Yeah, I mean...
Rozafeen: Okay, how about this? I rolled an 18 on Intimidation, I look behind the chair, and I say, "You, shut up." And I turn to the cousin, and I say, "The Sorceress is not happy with you; start talking."
Don: This is the only time I've ever had to force a monologue out of a villain.
Tanam: Yeah, no, I know. I think he's intimidated, but mad. "Like I heard my cousin say, as I was coming in, we did not do anything that the Sorceress should be mad at. I don't know what you're all playing at, but, we purchased that mirror, and whatever we do with it is our own business. So, you can tell her whatever you want to tell her, but, it's not her business anymore what we're doing with it."
Vafrus: Just to be very super clear, when you say "we," you mean the two of you together. Do you both agree that you were working together?
Rozafeen: Was the Second involved, was Beeb involved?
Vafrus: How many of you were there and what are their names the people who used the mirror to do whatever your business was? Can we just get a verbal confirmation from behind the chair?
Rozafeen: No, I told them to shut up.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Alright, just then, just a nod will do.
Rozafeen: Is Tanovadan's business the Sorceress's business?
Tanam: "Tanovadan can take her mirror resort and throw it into the ocean for all I care. In fact, I would prefer that she did. What I care about is that you're here, threatening my poor cousin, definitely getting paid by the Hall, and apparently trying to shake us down in the name of the Sorceress?"
Rozafeen: What I actually said, sir, is that she's not happy with you. That could mean a lot of things.
Tanam: Achhiut is cowering behind the chair, shaking enough now that the chair is starting to shake. Amtonit says, "Cousin, you heard her: Shut. Up." Achhiut stops the shaking and says, "Cousin, they know. they're here from the Sorceress, but they're also here from the Hall."
"Calm. Down."
"No, there's nothing for it!" Achhiut pushes the chair, points at- I guess Urekas is probably the closest- points both hands at Urekas, and fires off Eldritch Blast.
Vafrus: Cool! Initiative!
Tanam: well, first off, this is a bit of a surprise and-
Vafrus: It's not a surprise. I've been trying to hit with Eldritch Blast this whole fucking time.
Don: Yeah, I'dknow, like, this face is so punchable.
Vafrus: I mean, if the DM says it's a surprise, but come on, though!
Don: Yeah, no, I mean-
Rozafeen: Can we retcon that when he said "calm down," I used a surprise druid craft to light the pants of the murderer on fire?
Don: Nice. "
Tanam: Would it be okay if not?
Rozafeen: But it's funn-y Don't you want the super bad guy to be fighting the whole time with his ass on fire?
Don: I just want him to take a lot of fire damage every round.
Vafrus: It's what the Intern would have wanted.
Tanam: No fair invoking the Intern against me, but I do agree that Amtonit having his pants on fire would be really funny.
Vafrus: Yes.
Tanam: Okay, so this is a cantrip that you're doing,
Rozafeen: Mhmm.
Tanam: You can start a small fire?
Rozafeen: Light or extinguish!
Tanam: okay. So he's got these big, poofy pants and the ass of those pants is now on fire
Rozafeen: Okay, great.
Tanam: and he realizes this and screams.
Tanam: All the while, Achhiut is blasting at Urekas with an Eldritch Blast. What is Urekas's AC?
Harmony: Fourteen.
Tanam: that is a miss.
Harmony: Boom.
Vafrus: Can I, like, a little bit too late, dive in the way?
Harmony: I'm like, "That was so brave of you!" I sit in the chair in a very sexual manner with like my legs on the arm and my head on the other arm instead of on the floor and I just wink at you Vafrus, that was so hot, what you just did!
Tanam: So, okay, so you take the chair that got shoved at you right before the Eldritch Blast came your way, dodged the Eldritch Blast, and landed sexily in the chair. I won't even
Harmony: Yeah, and I did a backflip before I did that.
Tanam: Wait, okay, now...
Harmony: A sexy backflip.
Rozafeen: Yes!
Tanam: you can have the "jumped into the chair, sexily" for free; I won't make you roll for that. If you also want to sexy backflip into the chair, I'm going to need some sort of roll for that.
Harmony: Okay!
Tanam: So you have to decide, do you want to sexy backflip into the chair?
Harmony: Yes, I do.
Tanam: Okay. Then, you can do Performance if you want, because you're trying to make it sexy.
Harmony: 29.
Tanam: Okay, you do the sexiest backflip that has ever been seen.
Vafrus: This move is what Urekas has actually been thinking about this whole conversation. She's like, "I jump off of there, and chair right here, and like Oh, they're still talking? Okay, alright, I'll-"
Tanam: so a beautifully executed sexy backflip with a landing sexily in the chair, and a wink over at Ruffort.
Vafrus: As I, like, heavily biff it on the ground. KOMPF!
Tanam: yeah, and Achhiut having fired the Eldritch Blast, is extremely pissed that it missed.
Vafrus: And they just fully missed, right? It wasn't-
Tanam: yeah, no, they just missed, it had nothing to do with Ruffort jumping in the way.
Vafrus: Perfect.
Tanam: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay. now that everybody's done something, let's roll initiative!
Vafrus: Ooh, I feel like, the music's extra impressive cause we haven't had a battle since, like, the spiders.
Tanam: No! You fought the lizards!
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: You fought the lizards and then you fought the Sorceress for a little bit.
Don: Yeah, that's hardly a fight.
Vafrus: Uh-huh, it's been a minute. Point is, the music's kind of cool.
Tanam: Thank you.
Vafrus: Probably would have gotten used up if we had done more combat, so, you know, good job.
Tanam: Well, the good news is that with this long in between combats, I can reuse some of the rocks, so that wasn't a new rock.
Vafrus: Okay, good. I'm so proud of you. Well- well done, Tanam.
Don: Yeah, way to pace!
Rozafeen: So, I got a 16 on initiative.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, uh, 22.
Don: Six
Harmony: Also 6.
Rozafeen: Well, I mean, you're in the chair looking all sexy.
Harmony: Oh wait sorry! 'cuz I rolled a 6, but I have a plus 3 for initiative, so I have a 9.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: And I was just, uh, I was just super... Sleepy. Right? I was just like, "uh, is this guy ever gonna get to a monologue? I'm really interested in what he did, n' why.
Tanam: You actually fell asleep.
Don: yeah, I just kinda woke up, and I was like, "Oh! Fireball!"
Tanam: Ah, Eldritch Blast.
Don: Oh, I'm sorry, Eldritch Blast. I knew it was an Eldritch Blast. I don't know why I said Fireball.
Rozafeen: 'Cuz you were asleep.
Don: Yeah, I guess, yeah, you know, sometimes when you're sleepy, everything looks like a Fireball? Actually, when I woke up, I said, like, "Ah! Urekas, don't Fireball me!"
Harmony: Wait, were you snoring as you said that?
Don: Yeah, I woke and I was "Uh, Urekas, don't Fireball me!"
Tanam: Okay, let me roll here. Okay, Achhiut: twenty six, and Amtonit is a 4.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm gonna need us to stick with "murder guy" and "cousin."
Tanam: I guess their names do sound a little bit similar. Okay. I will write these down as, cousin and murderer so that I refer to them as such in the future. Okay, up first is, Achhiut- I am sorry.
Tanam: Up first is the cousin. They, having just fired Eldritch Blast at Urekas and missed-
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Tanam: -are probably gonna blame it on Ruffort.
Vafrus: Yeesss! As is correct! I did that. Everyone saw it.
Harmony: You're so brave.
Don: I just like that he's taking responsibility for his actions.
Vafrus: When I have a moment, which might not be till after the battle, I'm gonna change the visual appearance of my robes to look like there's a hole burned through part of it.
Tanam: To forever commemorate this grand event?
Vafrus: Yeah. That totally happened! Everyone agrees.
Tanam: Okay. The cousin lines up and fires an Eldritch Blast at you.
Vafrus: Do I count as prone since I dived like that?
Tanam: yeah. I think so. I think-
Vafrus: That means I get- gets disadvantaged trying to hit me with ranged attack. Heh can't out Eldritch Blast the master, I know.
Rozafeen: The Blast Master.
Vafrus: The Blast Master! If only.
Tanam: Heh, so... The cousin yells "The lot of you needs to just die. Die, die, die like that stupid guard died. Anyone who's involved, we should have just killed you in the first place."
Rozafeen: Monologue!
Vafrus: At last!
Tanam: Okay, 13, does 13 hit?
Vafrus: Thasa miss!
Tanam: Okay. They miss and you're up.
Vafrus: Alright, I will use half my movement to stand up, and if you'll let me, I will, again, at a wild delay, make it as if I had, like, caught the bolt, and it disappears into my hand.
Tanam: That's a-
Vafrus: And, uh... Uh...
Rozafeen: um, um, um, um, what do I got again-? Oh, yes, right.
Vafrus: Okay- I'll hit them with two Eldritch Blasts. And I'm at nine weirdness, so I gotta roll... Alright, I rolled under my weirdness, so something weird happens.
Tanam: Ohhhh! Okay. Finally, you've, you've fired off.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: what was it? Nine you said before?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. I got 9 spells in a row, didn't have to do this.
Tanam: Wow. Okay. I'm excited. So we'll resolve that first and then you can do your Eldritch Blasts.
Vafrus: Alright I rolled a 99.
Tanam: Okay. What's that?
Vafrus: I havta look up the full rules, uh, da da... "For one hour, the PC will end every speech act with the sentence, 'Bless me X,' where X is the randomly selected name of one of the gods." You want to randomly select me a god, Tanam?
Tanam: I think you know who.
Vafrus: Alright
Don: Completely randomly.
Tanam: Completely randomly.
Vafrus: Alright, I'm like, "This is for..." and I'm, , gonna say something about, you know, Urekas and, and how great I am, and I'm just like, "Bless me The Intern!" And then I fire off my- my Eldritch Blasts, and blink a couple times. That was a strange thing to happen; good thing it won't keep happening. It's probably fine.
Tanam: Okay!
Vafrus: Two 16s on the dice to hit, plus all my bonuses, so,
Tanam: Yeah, that'll-
Vafrus: 25 to hit, twice?
Tanam: Yeah, okay. And, you've done a bunch of weird stuff to your- like, these are doing...
Vafrus: Yeah, they're very powerful, and I rolled pretty well, so, uh... this is 12 plus 14 is 26 damage.
Don: Very intimidating.
Tanam: it's like radiant damage too, right? You did like a whole thing with that?
Vafrus: Yeah, that sounds good to me.
Tanam: Well, It's on theme now.
Vafrus: Okay. So, I call upon the Intern, and the light of the Intern surrounds and suffuses me as I wholly bless my enemies with Eldritch Blast. In my mind, this all seems very evil. I'm- I'm- I'm Definitely the bad guy here.
Tanam: And what was that damage again, 22 or something?
Vafrus: Uh, 26. Yep. "This is how real Eldritch Blasts look! That's what happens when you mess with Urekas!"
Harmony: Wow, that's so attractive.
Tanam: I believe it's, "This is how real Eldritch Blasts look... bless me, the Intern."
Vafrus: This is how real Eldritch Blasts look, bless me the Intern. Weirdness back to one, bless me the Intern.
Harmony: That's pretty attractive.
Vafrus: "Urekas, there's something I've always wanted to tell you, bless me the Intern. Damn it, bless me the Intern! Damn it, bless me the Intern!" That's my turn.
Tanam: Okay, so, there was a little garden through a window behind them, and with that much damage the cousin is blasted through the glass out into the garden there.
Rozafeen: Dead or just really unhappy?
Tanam: Uh, you don't see them anymore because they are, like, behind the ledge of the window. I mean, it didn't look like that was a pleasant experience.
Tanam: Okay! Up next is Hellena.
Rozafeen: Alright, I'm gonna play with my food, but Justice is tired of screwing around. I'm gonna thorn whip the murderer. And my attack is a 24.
Tanam: Excellent!
Rozafeen: I don't really want him much closer to me, but you know, I pull him, like, six inches closer just to let him know I can. And that's 10 damage. And then Justice runs up to him, but chooses not to pounce because as previously discussed, that would make him harder to hit with range attacks. Her bite is a 15. Does that hit?
Tanam: Yes!
Rozafeen: Okay, six and her claw is a nat 20!
Tanam: Wow.
Don: Very intimidating.
Rozafeen: ... but that's only an 8.
Tanam: Poor Justice.
Rozafeen: Yeah, we never really leveled her and I find it hard to believe that she's doing this little damage, but I really don't want to take a little sidebar to level a cheetah right now.
Tanam: That's, that's, fair. We have neglected her.
Rozafeen: Oh, she is going eat this man's intestines.
Tanam: Amtonit the murderer staggers back from the claw, and-, oh wait. And he also took damage from your Thorn Whip, right?
Rozafeen: Mmm-hmm. That was ten.
Tanam: Might need to get some minions in here...
Rozafeen: Just, you know, squeeze out whatever last little monologuing you want out of the man, and can wrap this up.
Tanam: Okay. The murder, like, staggers back and says, "I don't get why you're coming after all of us. That ridiculous Second is, is- it's his house! it's obviously his fault, like- yeah!
Vafrus: I am suddenly convinced and on their side now.
Don: Yeah, I know, that was super convincing.
Rozafeen: This changes everything.
Vafrus: Sorry, Urekas.
Harmony: I can't hear anything
Tanam: Speaking of Urekas, it is her turn. She is currently sitting sexily. In a chair.
Harmony: Yeah well my heart is just broken so therefore I stab Amtonit in the heart. And I was gonna say this is for Ruffort, but, never mind.
Vafrus: Oh no!
Harmony: This is for Smart Jimmy.
Vafrus: The real hero.
Don: I- I'm not- Smart Jimmy needs to be avenged? I missed something?
Rozafeen: No, they showed up in matching outfits; they're soul mates now!
Don: Oh, okay. Got it, got it.
Harmony: Attack on me is an attack on him, and vice-versa. Get with it. 14, plus whatever.
Tanam: "Plus whatever" will do it.
Don: Yeah!
Harmony: See, that was Smart Jimmy, walking along the path with me!
Tanam: Okay go ahead and roll damage for that.
Harmony: Four.
Tanam: Okay. So you stab him and say, "this is for Smart Jimmy." He is like, "First off, is Smart Jimmy that damn bird, and- and if so, why is the Sorceress sending birds after us, and, why is the Sorceress sending you after us, why does the Sorceress even care about all of this? We're killing each other; you can at least tell me why the Sorceress cares." And he staggers back a bit.
Tanam: It is Georg's turn.
Don: Alright, "I don't think your monologue's very good," and I run up to him and uh I uppercut him right in- in his- his- well, chin, I mean, as you do.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Does a 24 smack him in the face?
Tanam: Yes!
Don: It's eight damage but now he's gotta hit me. Well, he can hit other people, he's just got disadvantage, but it seems like he has a lot of disadvantages already in his life. So he gets disadvantage on anybody except me, and I go, "Hey! Tell me what you're gonna do, and what you did, and why you did it, and you got a kinda crappy story. Like, you're really boring; I'm not Vicious Mockery ing.
Tanam: Are you punching him multiple times, and this is, like, in-between... "You've got a bad story! Smack! This isn't Vicious Mockery, smack!
Don: let's say yes, uh, 'cuz I do have an extra attack; the second attack was also a 24.
Tanam: Okay, damage on both of those?
Don: So, the first time it's an 8 and the second time it's a 5.
Harmony: Yeah!
Don: I'm like, "Hey! You tell me all the bad things that you came up with, and your justifications!
Rozafeen: We're literally beating a monologue out of you.
Don: Yeah!
Tanam: He staggers back from your physical and social beatdown, and he leans up against the door that he had come in in, spits and it's gross.
Don: As he spits, I'll, like, use, my defensive field armor to gain six temporary hit points and make it so he can't spit on me. 'Cuz it's gross.
Tanam: Is that a reaction?
Don: it's not, it's a bonus action.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I just wasn't quite done and didn't get it out before he started talking.
Tanam: Oh, he wasn't spitting on you. Just like, on the ground. it's like, kind of, gahhhh
Rozafeen: I mean, if he wants to use his attack to spit on Don, that sounds great for us.
Tanam: he has disadvantage if he doesn't. that's the next advancement of that ability is that, they have to use an ineffective attack on you.
Don: I mean, so far, I think that's what he's done, is, ineffective attacks.
Tanam: He hasn't gone!
Don: oh wait he hasn't gone yet. "Don't you worry, buddy the next one will be pretty ineffective." And I pat him on the head.
Vafrus: Awww.
Tanam: "I don't think you all are working with The Sorceress! I think maybe you tricked her too, but you're just working for that damn Hall, with that Tanovadan and rest of the Lonyu Empire. Do you know why they built the Hall, where they did?"
Don: Completely randomly.
Rozafeen: Why?
Tanam: He acknowledges your "why?" with a "thank you" look, and says, "They built it there, right by the Bridge Road, so now everybody goes to that stupid Great Hall with that one stupid game. All they have is that stupid 'IT'S IMPROVED!' nonsense, and, like, everyone's like, 'oh, what a great game that is,' 'oh, I have so much fun playing this one stupid game over and over again,' instead of coming to Klaoil, and instead of coming to our resort, now they're all just over there instead, and the Lonyu Empire chose that spot for. That. Reason. In particular!" Coughs up some blood.
Don: Wait. Hold- Hold on. You just did this as, like, a crappy business shakedown? Why?
Vafrus: No, you heard him. He thought the game was stupid, so he needed to murder some people.
Don: I got a perfectly good chocolate fountain outta that... Improved!
Rozafeen: And he thinks he's collaborating with the Second, which means he's clearly an idiot because the Second isn't smart enough to collaborate with anybody.
Don: I mean, collaborating... he could be?
Tanam: "I resent you calling me an idiot, I don't actually think that the Second is... is... gahhhh!" and he fires a fireball.
Don: an actual fireball?
Tanam: An actual fireball this time.
Vafrus: Alright, Counterspell. Use up my last spell on these people. "You can't hurt Urekas's outfit, alright?"
Harmony: Thank you.
Vafrus: ...Bless me the Intern! did he cast it higher than level 3?
Tanam: No.
Vafrus: Then it just whiffs.
Harmony: Oh, I feel so room temperature right now. Thank you.
Tanam: He's just like, "what- what- who- who the- the fuck are you people?"
Vafrus: I can be whoever I want.
Rozafeen: That's right, it's interactive.
Harmony: "I'm Urekas!" and I do a backflip.
Vafrus: He takes 80 damage.
Rozafeen: I'm someone who cares very much about trade.
Don: Georg does a power slide like, "I'm Georg! I make armor."
Harmony: What about Justice?
Rozafeen: She doesn't have to answer this man's question.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Oh my Intern.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: I still stan them.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I am gonna go downstairs and stab you. For the Patreon, I guess.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: I don't know if I'm trying to accomplish anything. This is a bit I'm committed to.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: I didn't import the song this time, but, [sings] okay.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
The Boss: Whatever. Doesn't matter. Whatever doesn't matter. Whatever. Doesn't matter.
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Oh my God! There's only two left!
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, that's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: Damn it, bless me the Intern!"
Don: gesundheit, I think?
Vafrus: It's gonna be fine, Vafrus.
Tanam: You're Vafrus.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, so I am. It's gonna be fine, Tanam.
Don: No, I liked it better the first time.
Vafrus: I guess in the edit you can make it whichever you want.
Vafrus: I pull out a talisman and say, Green Power Ranger! No,
Vafrus: Don't you see, cousin? The jig is up. You're going to have to kill them like you killed that one guard whose name I don't remember because he's nothing to me.
Don: the 5E crit rules are the worst.
Vafrus: yeah.
Don: every crit feels like it's just gutted.
Vafrus: Yeah, crit rules are the worst, and also animals are so nerfed, like, there's,
Don: Also the 5E
Vafrus: my game does it better. Coming soon.
Rozafeen: leave that in, leave that in.
Don: Coming soon, unless the world ends. Ah, crap.
Tanam: Okay, stopping the recording.