The Intern: Heyyy-a, welcome back to Coffee, Cults, and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern, still on the floor, but at least I'm more awake? Sorry about last time; we're heading into week four, n'I finally sort of got a rhythm growing. Gross coffee applied at the right time, then avoided at all other times. So, I'm at least sleeping some at this point.
Emphasis on "some" though. A person keeps lurking at the lab door in the middle of the night. They don't come in, but I can hear them shuffling around out there. Pacing, maybe? Sometimes the door opens a bit, but not all the way. Whoever that is, is creepy and needs to capital S Stop It.
But hey, everyone who's usually in the lab during the day is good. They've been cool about pretending that I'm not sleeping here. It's probably against company policy, but I don't think anyone actually cares. I think they might have realized that I was subsisting on improvised nachos, because there have been a lot of, oh, hey, we over ordered some sandwiches for that meeting. Do you want one? Either that or someone is really bad at figuring out how many sandwiches to buy!
But you are not here for my sandwich drama, right? Last time our crew found some good stuff. Well. I guess bad stuff: a body, but on that body was good stuff. Well, I guess it was a recording of a murder, so that's bad stuff. But it was good that they found the recording. Yes, they found some stuff and it was good that they found it. Good. Now, let's see what they do with it.
Don: What you having? Some coffee?
Tanam: It is a warm beverage.
Don: You're drinking tea, aren't you? Because I just got a light roast in and oh! The citrus in there! It just bites.
Rozafeen: So Tanam. How often do you imbibe in a restorative coffee moment? I used imbibe wrong there, but you know what I mean.
Tanam: You know, at the appropriate times.
Don: wait, wait, so.
Vafrus: He, he has to put it in his calendar guys. He's got a little calendar, little note pad that says when it's coffee time.
Rozafeen: Tanam, it's okay if you just don't like the taste of it. I'm here for you.
Tanam: Well, you, you know, it's, it's like... so there's certain holidays.
Don: Yeah, it's called every morning. Whenever I wake up.
Tanam: I mean-
Harmony: Yeah, waking up is a celebration.
Don: Right?
Tanam: K, so there are those of you that use coffee in that way, and there's those of us who use coffee in a different way, and that's fine.
Don: Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Do you save coffee? For a religious sacrament?
Vafrus: Or do you mean like you use it as a suppository?
Don: also a thing I've heard about.
Rozafeen: Oh boy.
Tanam: So, yeah, please don't talk about coffee that way. Thank you.
Rozafeen: I wasn't actually trying to tease you, Tanam. I understand that it actually is religious for you, and I was just curious, like, since I don't really practice, I don't keep track of all of the official rituals myself. So is this something that comes up for you, you know, a few times a year?
Tanam: No, it's every fourth day.
Don: Just every fourth day? How do you wake up?
Rozafeen: Some of us wake up every day without any coffee and we live.
Don: that sounds wrong.
Harmony: I mean, you live, but are you truly alive?
Tanam: Uh...
Don: Thus stateth the Intern.
Tanam: No. That is not thus stateth the Intern. Thank you.
Don: I mean, I'm probably paraphrasing a bit...
Tanam: No, badly. Not even at all. You're just making things up.
Don: Yeah, probably. I don't know. I, I mean, I- I'm real sketchy as every one of you knows, on the actual scriptures.
Harmony: Well, it's tough because, I mean, the Intern did spill coffee on the scriptures while He was carrying them, so they're hard to read.
Tanam: Okay, so spilling the coffee on the scriptures. I think you're just confusing it with the play "The Incredible Life of the Intern."
Don: Yeah. Absolutely. Very familiar. It is very popular.
Tanam: Yeah, it's, it has a lot of things in it, which are, uh,
Don: Yeah, yeah. Not accurate. Fine.
Harmony: Yeah, I audition for that play every year and can't get in.
Tanam: Um...
Vafrus: You tryin' to get into blasphemy play? That's amazing.
Harmony: I mean, amazing if I got in, but- you know.
Vafrus: I'd go see the play if you were in it. That sounds fun to me.
Don: It was worthwhile seeing, I'll tell ya. it's pretty good.
Tanam: Uh. It's very entertaining...
Vafrus: Okay. Well, I gotta see it now.
Harmony: Did you sit in the first two rows, because I hear you get drenched in sacred coffee.
Don: You do! I paid for- for front row seats and I swear I got a whole mug of coffee on me. Like they tell you not to wear, you know, you know good clothes unless you want them to uh, not come out the same color they-
Vafrus: Is- isn't Sacred coffee scalding hot though?
Don: It was.
Vafrus: Okay.
Don: I did manage to get enough of the sacred coffee, quote unquote. It was just okay. Okay?
Tanam: I can't comment on the tastiness of it, but-
Don: Yeah, no, I feel like this is a conversation that I should be having with somebody who likes coffee.
Tanam: It's not that I don't like coffee, it's you should be having the conversation with someone who specifically enjoys coffee as a flavor.
Don: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what coffee is!
Tanam: I like coffee. I love coffee. It is the-
Don: No. Like you can repeat the text about coffee. Sure.
Tanam: I like it for its intended purpose and, you know, other people like it for other purposes, and that's fine.
Rozafeen: Good talk.
Tanam: We should game.
Don: Yeah. Yeah. Good point. Good point. we came here to play games and drink coffee.
Vafrus: Alright, so, last time, I recall, our group met up for the first time-
Rozafeen: You're fired.
Vafrus: Let's see, Ruffort met Urekas, and there was like this hubbub about cushions, right? Like he wanted to sit on the important cushions, and there was, like, lesser cushions.
Don: Yeah that checks out.
Vafrus: and, uh- And we spent the entire session trying to decide whether we should go to the Gambling Hall. Pretty sure that was last time. Okay. Okay. I'll do it for real. So we walked across like a space. There was like this space that we had to get to the other side of that was most of it.
Don: Yeah.
Vafrus: There was like another Sorceress tower.
Don: Yeah.
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: And then we found this little- we kept calling it like fake rustic or something. It was-
Tanam: yeah.
Vafrus: -supposed to seem rustic, but to rich people.
Tanam: Yep.
Vafrus: And under it was a tunnel, and in that tunnel was a mirror, and in that mir- Well, was there a mirror in there? There was something in there. There was like clues of some kind.
Tanam: Does anyonen remember what information Teep provided about the mirror?
Vafrus: It reminded Teep of Teep's mom's house?
Harmony: That is correct.
Vafrus: Something something, the Sorceress.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: So the mirror has been identified as belonging at some point to the Sorceress.
Vafrus: Got like a Sorceress reminding tower, and a Sorceress reminding mirror, we should just go murder her.
Rozafeen: Oh! Somebody was stabbed!
Tanam: Yes!
Vafrus: Yeah, we got a name.
Tanam: That was Amtonit.
Tanam: There is an additional bit of information that- being that you guys couldn't remember last session, mostly, I would not expect you to remember this other bit, but-
Rozafeen: You were hoping for the type of, like, excited reveal that happens when this is week four of a game, not year two. I don't think any of us remember any of this shit, so do you want to, like, back up and, like, re approach it?
Tanam: I think there is a chance that one of your characters would remember this. I'm trying to decide if I should give you a chance to roll for it, or if I should just tell someone who would remember, but, I think I'd like to redo that moment when you hear the name Amtonit, and, give everyone a chance to give me a roll on whatever skill you are trying to use to remember that name.
Don: Acrobatics.
Tanam: It would be quite the feat of Acrobatics for you to justify that. But, if you can...
Don: All right. All right. Sure. History. Eleven.
Tanam: Okay.
Anybody else want to give it a go?
Harmony: Intimidation.
Don: No, I think it's reasonable. You just have to intimidate your memory into giving up the information.
Harmony: Yeah, I'm shaking my fist at my brain. Six.
Vafrus: I got a 20.
Tanam: Nice. With which skill?
Vafrus: All of my knowledge skills are the same: plus two. So it's...
Tanam: Oh, okay.
Vafrus: It's either Intelligence, or Investigation, or Arcana, or History...
Tanam: 20's good. Rozafeen, how did Hellena do?
Rozafeen: Trying to justify using something that I have better than a plus one in. Can I get away with Perception? I'm really good at that...
Tanam: Uh, sure.
Rozafeen: Okay...
Tanam: although, hmm...
Vafrus: See? Got to commit, either let us pick the skill, or tell us the skill.
Tanam: You know what? I will let you use your Visual Perception bonus.
Rozafeen: Great! Then that is a 25.
Tanam: Nice! Let's see... both Ruffort and Hellena-,
Vafrus: I was going to be so excited if it was only me.
Rozafeen: Sorry.
Tanam: So, Urekas and Georg are racking their brains-
Don: Amtonit... Amtonit...
Tanam: But, for the people who do remember, the name Amtonit strikes something familiar with you, and you think for a little bit, and you remember that there was a mirror mason who installed the bathroom portal for the Second.
Harmony: Can we say that I used my helm to read everybody's thoughts and I said it, like, right before other people were about to speak?
Vafrus: It's pretty good.
Tanam: So, Urekas explains this to everybody. and it's only Georg for whom it's new.
Don: But Georg's gonna be like, well, I mean, yeah, obviously. I knew that.
Tanam: Okay, so Amtonit is the guy who installed the bathroom portal. He also stayed as a guest at the house for three days earlier this year, at a reduced rate. These were things that you learned from the Second's secret books that he had kept in his desk.
Vafrus: So, once upon a time we were in the house of the Second and we saw some paperwork.
Rozafeen: I remember that part. Yeah.
Tanam: and, and-
Vafrus: What does that have to do with Jacktum?
Tanam: Like it says on the map?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: That mirror mason, his surname was J'hakitam and, that is the family that owns the estate that you are currently... below, I guess? All this, the hotel and the, fake rustic village, and the spiral gardens with the fake Sorceress tower... All of those things are on the grounds of the J'hakitam family estates. Amtonit J'hakitam is the mirror mason's name.
Vafrus: Okay, so he has two names and one of them is this place. Got it.
Tanam: When you were in the office of the Lord of Hospitality-
Don: Oh, the Lord of Hospitality.
Tanam: There was a merchant there who asked who the cheetah belonged to, and Ruffort did some-
Vafrus: Derailed the whole session as I do, yes, yes, yes.
Rozafeen: Things won't speak of.
Don: It's too bad Justice ate that face, otherwise we could interrogate them .
Tanam: So Justice did not eat their face.
Don: Whaaat?
Tanam: And in fact, that merchant's name was also J'hakitam.
Harmony: Ohhh
Tanam: They are specifically from Klaoil and making a very big deal about how it was an outrage that this had happened.
Rozafeen: "oh, I can't believe this thing my- cough- cousin did happened."
Don: " I vaguely remember this.
Vafrus: So they have the same family name, so they maybe know each other? Like, is that what we're gonna guess here?
Tanam: Not only do they have the same family name, but you know that the mirror mason has been in Klaoil extremely recently, enough to stab a dude, and- and was called Sir by one of the guards of the compound, so, was known to him.
Vafrus: Okay, the crucial thing there that I heard was someone called someone Sir, who called who, Sir, that was like the important indication of importance?
Rozafeen: The dead guy.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: yeah, the guard who is dead on the floor, stabbed presumably by the mirror mason, called the mirror mason Sir.
Vafrus: All right. All right. Alright, alright.
Tanam: and you know that the one who was at the Great Hall during the spider attack- the merchant- was from Klaoil, so, chances are, they are both involved with this resort.
Vafrus: So, two people have, at some point, been to this city that is huge and one of the major metropolises of the world. Got it.
Don: I also really like the timeboxing of "recently enough to stab a dude."
Vafrus: That's pretty It is pretty good, I like that. Okay, alright, so, fair. Alright, so these two people- boy, I don't know if a 20 was enough to remember that. I feel like Ruffort didn't remember that after all.
Rozafeen: But maybe a 25 was!
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, no, so, like, I believe at the time, when you guys were looking at the record that the Second had, you had made that connection to the merchant that was there at the attack. In terms of the game for your characters, this was like, a couple of days ago at most.
Don: Not the twelve eons it's been since we last played. Got it, got it.
Harmony: Yeah, I think next time, like, if we're confused about history, just explain it in terms of breakfast, and we're gonna catch on really fast.
Don: like, "Your last breakfast was blank sessions ago," and we'll get it. Alright, I'm pretty convinced we should be killing the Sorceress.
Rozafeen: Wait, what? No!
Don: I'm sorry, I was thinking about breakfast there, and the, the Sorceress just kinda slipped in. I mean, I could really kill a rasher of bacon right now.
Rozafeen: Do you stab things with bacon in your mind?
Don: Do you not?
Rozafeen: Uh, I don't know whether the correct answer is yes or no based on that sentence.
Don: I honestly don't either, it's just, um, If I'm thinking about stabbing, I'd rather be thinking about bacon.
Harmony: Okay, I use my helm to read everybody's minds, and, according to Don, a piece of bacon stabbed somebody, but I don't think that's true. All right. So listen, Jehackatom, right? Family estates. The place that owns the place that we're in, right? They're all from Klaoil, and they're all cousins. Just kidding. Two of them are cousins. Um, one cousin is an idiot. One cousin is really mean.
Don: What with the stabbing.
Harmony: Yeah,
Don: Cause I was just thinking, because they're related, and so, if one stabbed a guy, then the other guy-
Vafrus: Wait, wasn't there like, a mirror mason guy who had the same name?
Harmony: Yeah, that's exactly what I was just saying, there's a mirror mason guy with the same name, get this, also from Klaoil, was called Sir by one of the guards at the estate that we're in.
Rozafeen: The... the dead guy.
Harmony: or something like that. I mean, it's hard. I'm reading a lot of minds right now, and Don keeps thinking about breakfast.
Don: You're welcome.
Rozafeen: How hard this is for you.
Harmony: This was a big deal. This was outrageous. Um, there's a Lord of Hospitality. The cheetah Justice, like, she didn't get to bite anyone in the face, and she really wanted to, and that's important right now. Um, an' don't event get me started on, Amtommet, whose name I know how, who to pronounce, like, And Ta Met, that's the name!
Rozafeen: Oh.
Rozafeen: Can we go kill anyone yet?
Vafrus: You have the same name as the guy who did it, and we heard of you earlier.
Don: Very guilty by association.
Tanam: It is not direct evidence, but it does not look good, right?
Don: We should probably kill 'em.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, like, we're gonna, what, like, start spying on this, like, super rich merchant who owns everything?
Rozafeen: Yeah, let's just go fucking kill someone. Arahhhh!
Vafrus: Why not all the rest of the family, too?
Don: Actually, that seems like a great idea.
Rozafeen: Let's kill em and the idiot cousin.
Vafrus: and the Sorceress!
Rozafeen: And then take some money.
Don: Yeah, definitely the Sorceress, mostly because she's just kind of annoying.
Vafrus: Yeah, I feel like, mirror mason guy, like, that guy maybe we can go hunt down, right, cause he's not dead. Dead guy is a different guy, right, dead guy is some random guard or whatever.
Don: Yeah, dead people are just not worth hunting down.
Vafrus: Yeah, don't, I really don't see how, you know, merchant with the same name is relevant, but, Amtonit, that's a guy who's alive and probably here. Like, we could go find that dude.
Rozafeen: Yeah, let's go find him and kill him. Who's in?
Harmony: Mmm-hmm.
Don: Yeah, I mean, definitely, I don't ask any questions about this first, or anything.
Harmony: Justice'll eat his face.
Vafrus: Just as you planned, DM, well done.
Don: I mean, it was a brilliantly crafted plan.
Rozafeen: I'm glad that we spent three hours determining that the guy who stabbed someone in cold blood is bad.
Vafrus: I mean, what else is court for? Come on.
Rozafeen: Literally right in front of the spider mirror. We're just gonna leave this body here, right?
Vafrus: I'm not going to touch the body. Yeah, no. I- Except for if I've already looted it-
Rozafeen: We definitely looted this body.
Vafrus: I'll touch it the amount that I've already touched it, and no further.
Rozafeen: "Here, I draw this line."
Vafrus: Alright. So, I recall, we had like, a little, like helper person who was like following us around for a while.
Rozafeen: Smart Jimmy!
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy. Yes, yes.
Tanam: Smart Jimmy is riding on Urekas's shoulder, I think.
Vafrus: What does Smart Jimmy think we should do?
Tanam: it's been long enough that Urekas no longer has Speak with Animals on, so...
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy's gotta pantomime. Come on, Smart Jimmy! Help us out here!
Don: Is Smart Jimmy just still hangin' out even though nobody's talked to him in like a week?
Tanam: it hasn't been that long, but yeah.
Vafrus: It's very important to me, personally, that Smart Jimmy gives us wisdom right now. What's Smart Jimmy doing? Is Smart Jimmy looking at anything? That must be important. Yeah, no there was Smart Jimmy, But who else was like following us around for a while?
Rozafeen: The forged thing?
Vafrus: Yeah, an automaton like butler thing.
Don: Ohhhh.
Vafrus: We named it and then forgot the name and then gave it a new name and now I don't know what that name was.
Rozafeen: Ditto.
Don: He was, like, End Table or something.
Vafrus: yeah.
Harmony: Friendship Bracelet, that was it.
Rozafeen: We're terrible people.
Don: Yeah.
Vafrus: Let's go ask that guy who works here and probably knows something.
Don: Didn't we walk, like, quite a long ways away from him? He was back at the inn.
Vafrus: That's true, which is like eight days of storytelling away, but maybe we could just say we walked back.
Don: by the power of friendship bracelet.
Vafrus: Alright, DM, I try to lead the group back to the original hotel where we can find End Table. I walk around the big forest instead of trying to go through it.
Tanam: Okay, I will move the party on the map. So you go up along the road here, and a little bit more, and then you are back to the hotel.
Vafrus: Amazing!
Tanam: As long as everybody is cooperating. I'm not sure if I'm going to even give anyone a chance to not cooperate.
Vafrus: We did it, everyone. All right.
Don: Time for breakfast!
Vafrus: Yes, we- we- we spend at least a few hours at breakfast. We harass everyone we meet for like a while. But then! We try to look around for End Table. Can we find End Table?
Tanam: Okay. So, there are multiple of them; they all look the same.
Vafrus: We'll pick one! Doesn't matter.
Tanam: There is one standing at the door from the path heading into the hotel.
Vafrus: Mm hmm.
Tanam: Do you accost that one?
Vafrus: Mm hmm. After breakfast.
Don: We're civilized, right? So, after breakfast, and , it was a whole thing.
Vafrus: End Table, "Where can we find..." and then say the name that I remember so well.
Don: Ak Tom
Harmony: J'hakitom.
Don: Yeah, that was it.
Rozafeen: Where can we find Sir?
Don: Sirrr!
Tanam: Are you asking for Amtonit?
Vafrus: The mirror mason! The one guy we know for sure is really super involved in all of this.
Tanam: Okay, so you ask for Amtonit J'hakitam.
Vafrus: Just what I was gonna say.
Tanam: End Table says, "Do you have an appointment?"
Don: Obviously.
Vafrus: Yes, we do. We need to find him for our appointment, which is right now.
Don: I mean, it's a half hour from now, so that we can obviously get to that appointment, wherever it is.
Tanam: Just like you guys had a hotel room.
Vafrus: Mmhmm.
Don: Yeah, I'm glad you know how this works.
Vafrus: I quickly abandon my lie and join in with the other lie. "Oh yeah, my mistake, it's in a half hour."
Tanam: You know, basically now.
Vafrus: Yes.
Don: Nowish, you know?
Vafrus: Actually, there's two appointments...
Harmony: I'm his life coach and I've been encouraging him to be early to his appointments.
Tanam: "If you will, follow me," And walks out the door. The perceptive among you notice that another one walks up behind you and stands where this one was standing.
Vafrus: We should take it with us.
Don: Maybe you're Friendship Bracelet.
Vafrus: Okay, no, we follow the one that's leading us somewhere. That's what we do.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: By the way, do Teep and Tagak come with us on all of this?
Tanam: So Teep and Tagak were just kind of coming along. They were, you know, not excited about the dead body. Also, didn't really say much when someone suggested that we kill the Sorceress.
Don: Oh, that was very much inside voice.
Tanam: I'll say that Helena notices that Teep and Tagak are hanging back, and, looking a little hesitant.
Don: We're definitely not going to do anything... baaaad.
Vafrus: Hey, Teep! Tagak! There's a super nice hotel room up here, just go, you know, hang out.
Rozafeen: Well, sidebar, could they end up being taken hostage, guys? Inside voices, inside voices.
Don: uh, I mean, probably?
Rozafeen: Maybe they should stay with us so we can protect them?
Vafrus: I feel like whoever takes them hostages develops, like, a cloud of birds problem.
Don: Right?
Vafrus: we don't really have to deal with that so much. We just gotta go tell on them if that happens.
Don: I mean, unless we- and this is going to be completely accidental- kill the Sorceress.
Rozafeen: Okay. Fine, fine, fine. If they'd like to come with for our protection, whatever it is worth. If they'd like to go back to a hotel room and do what honeymooners do, whatever.
Vafrus: Yeah, no matter what they choose, they're around us. It's probably going to go bad.
Harmony: But, they'll be well fed.
Tanam: Okay. As you guys pass the Spiral Gardens, Teep and Tagak have really started to hang back, and Hellena is the only one to notice that they separate from the group and head into the Spiral Gardens.
Vafrus: Have a good time, see ya.
Tanam: No, you don't, you- you cannot say anything to them because you did not notice.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: Hellena can decide if she wants to share that with everybody else.
Rozafeen: Nope, I'm gonna leave 'em alone.
Tanam: Okay.
Tanam: So, you are led- I will show you on the map here. Party moving, moving party. There was this hedge between the path and what I've labeled on the map here as The Offices. And you go down a little path past that hedge and head over to The Offices. They are not as big as the hotel, but they are almost as grand. They look to be the manor house, and, there's a little gate around it, although the fence is not very tall, you could, jump over it if you wanted to. End Table takes you to the gate and opens it and lets you in.
Vafrus: We should talk a little bit of strategy. Are we going to kidnap him? Is that the plan? Like-
Tanam: you trying to say this out of the earshot of End Table?
Vafrus: No, End Table doesn't count as a person; I don't care what End Table hears.
Don: This is how we get killed.
Harmony: Are you setting your belongings on End Table while you're discussing this?
Vafrus: I don't have any belongings. I lost them all. or at least half of them. I don't know which half I have still, but, you know. so, yeah. I, say that just out loud to the group. Are we kidnapping this guy? What are we doing now?
Harmony: I look quizzical and like I'm really listening and taking that in, and all of my followers are just, you know, kind of nodding, like, in a way that's non committal, but, "oh yeah, you're talking."
Vafrus: I feel so heard.
Harmony: "That's an idea!"
Vafrus: All right. Having gotten no answer, we continue on.
Rozafeen: I mean, as a player, I was pretty clear that I just want to go stab a dude.
Vafrus: mm-Hmm.
Don: I don't know if I, uh, approve of us just going out and murdering someone for the sake of murdering someone, but we could definitely bring to Justice -the cat- a certain person. I mean, let's probably question him. A lot first though, seems better.
Rozafeen: We could fall back on the good old "Urekas has a helm plan."
Harmony: Okay, yeah. I read his thoughts.
Tanam: Okay, who is the person's thoughts you're reading?
Harmony: Vafrus's thoughts.
Tanam: Wait. Ruffort's thoughts?
Harmony: Oh yeah, sorry, Ruffort's thoughts.
Tanam: Okay, when you read Ruffort's thoughts, there's two voices in there, and it's upsetting.
Vafrus: One of the voices just says whatever Ruffort says, cause you guys know what my filter is like.
Harmony: Okay, I turn it off.
Tanam: Okay. So-
Vafrus: With no plan, we go forward.
Tanam: You know, why change things now?
Vafrus: Although, I want to point out, Calumn has had some character development, because he suggested kidnap instead of murder.
Rozafeen: That's true, gold star.
Tanam: So, End Table opens the front door for you. There's a big grand entrance hall, honestly a little bit reminiscent of the Second's. His actual house, not the rental. You go into one of the rooms and, it is a big office. It reminds you of what the Second was obviously trying to do, when he made his office in his house.
Vafrus: Hmmmm.
Tanam: I'm not sure if you remember, this is the place where Urekas tried to do a wall sit. And fell over because there were no chairs.
Don: Got it.
Harmony: I was just so excited!
Tanam: It was a very large room with nothing in it. Very sparse decoration; it made it just look weirdly empty, this is a room of a similar size. The desk is actually in a similar location, but this one is lavishly decorated. There are books and posters and art and a little mini bar.
Don: Wow.
Tanam: Lots of doors, that are all shut. A big window, at the back; there's a hedged in area that looks like a garden? Although it looks entirely enclosed by hedges, so it's not really clear how someone gets out there to garden the garden. Sitting at the desk, is a five foot tall person who's a little bit rotund, has a long gray bushy beard, and with tanned rough skin. Maybe looks in their 60s or so, and they're wearing a short sleeved tunic, and they're sitting behind the desk, leaning back, watching you as you come in.
Vafrus: Okay. As we go in the room, I'm gonna change my appearance to look like the merchant that we've met a long time ago, who's associated with this place and probably runs it? Something, something...
Tanam: So you're making the claim that you remember what the merchant looks like?
Vafrus: if not, this is going to go real embarrassing.
Tanam: Roll me a perception check.
Vafrus: 15 minus two for 13.
Tanam: You know that you would have a really easy time copying what the merchant looks like because they are... sitting at the desk.
Vafrus: Huh. Okay.
Rozafeen: Didn't the merchant have a different first name?
Tanam: Yes.
Rozafeen: This is the second cousin or whatever the hell.
Vafrus: I don't think is the guy we asked for, but alright, whatever. I'm gonna cast Suggestion and the Suggestion is, "Come with us. Don't make a fuss."
Tanam: What is the save for that?
Vafrus: Uh, 17. Oh, and I get to roll for weird magic.
Tanam: Yep, okay, so you do that first, or do you want to hear the result first?
Vafrus: Well. Barely made it. I'm up to 8 on weirdness and I was previously a 7 and I rolled an 8, so.
Tanam: Okay, so they got, a 21.
Vafrus: Eldritch Blast. Had a chance. Coulda chose to fail.
Don: I'm not gonna stop you or anything, I just, it doesn't seem like it's the right guy.
Vafrus: I trust Endtable. We asked Endtable to bring us to a guy and he brought us here.
Don: But it doesn't seem like it's the right guy.
Vafrus: You can try to stop me. I trust my friends now.
Rozafeen: I turn to End Table and I say, "End Table, I don't think this is who we asked for."
Vafrus: I briefly pause my, like, glowing, powerful force thing that I'm doing. Hunnnnhh?
Tanam: Ok-ka-ha-hay.
Vafrus: Probably knocks me down a little in the initiative order. Thanks-
Harmony: but you look really cool right now.
Vafrus: Oh, well then it's worth it.
Tanam: So, Endtable is standing by the door, arms at its sides, just staring vaguely into space, not towards anyone, and does not respond to what you say.
Rozafeen: You're fired.
Tanam: The person behind the desk- I can't remember, does the person who saves in Suggestion know what was happening?
Vafrus: Oh well, I said it out loud, like I-
Tanam: You did say a very kidnappy-
Vafrus: I did say that, and then I threateningly raised my hand and started casting magic! As if I was trying to hit 'em right then.
Don: I mean, hit ' em or hit on em? It's so hard to tell the difference sometimes with magic, you know?
Tanam: So, they look at you and, "I think I remember you all. Oh, yes, the cheetah. You were the ones who, "saved" us all from the spider attack.
Rozafeen: You're welcome.
Harmony: I sign my autograph on their chest. I can use sleight of hand if you want me to roll.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Do you want to just sign it "Justice and Team?"
Harmony: Thirteen. How about "Urekas, Justice, and team?"
Tanam: With a 13, you somewhat stealthily? go over to the... to... over to behind the desk. And start to reach out with a pen that you happen to have on you, They- they make direct eye contact with you as soon as you come around the desk.
Harmony: Oh!
Tanam: Do you keep moving towards them with a pen outstretched?
Harmony: Of course!
Tanam: "Eh-excuse me? I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you stayed on the other side of the desk. It's kind of why it's here.
Don: Don't mind her, it's just sort of her thing. Um, you should probably get the autograph. It'll go a lot easier.
And I, I like, you know, pull back a plate of armor to reveal an autograph.
Tanam: They laugh a bit, pull up their sleeve, and, one side of their arm is completely covered in thick gray hair, and they look down at that, look at the pen, and turn their arm over- the underside is less hairy- and offers it to you to sign.
Harmony: I sign it. Obviously my name first. It's a very fancy, pretentious signature.
Tanam: So it's "Urekas, Justice, and Team"?
Harmony: Yeah.
Rozafeen: We're "and others."
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: This is the weirdest battle I've ever been in.
Tanam: So they look up at you and say, "thank you?"
Harmony: You're welcome.
Tanam: And you continue standing there behind the desk?
Harmony: Yeah. And listening.
Don: "It's, um... customary to tell Urekas a little bit about yourself when she autographs you." Hold on a second, I need roll for this. Nope! I don't say that! I say, "It's customary to punch her in the face-
Harmony: What!
Don: -after she autographs you." I rolled a 5 and I've got a negative 1.
Rozafeen: You didn't roll a one.
Don: Okay. it's, it's customary to laugh at her after you've been autographed-
Vafrus: Okay.
Don: -by her.
Tanam: They, uh, laugh again, scoot back their chair and stand up, and move around the other way, so they're standing behind the chair. In a relaxed way! It doesn't look like they're necessarily, like, fending anyone off with the chair or hiding behind it. It's very natural the way that they stand up and put another object between themselves and you.
Harmony: Alright, well, I just also start laughing. Uh, yeah. "Laugh with me." That's what he meant.
Tanam: "So, you said that my assistant here did not bring you to the right person?"
Rozafeen: That's correct.
Vafrus: I'm going to cast Suggestion again and say, "Tell us if you did the spider attack."
Rozafeen: I'm gonna wait in case it miraculously works, and if it doesn't, then I'm gonna insult 'em
Tanam: Okay,
Don: I, too, am holding an insult. But my insult is, actually a fist.
Tanam: so I'm gonna need a- This is another magic.
Vafrus: Yep, sure it is. More magic. 17. Weird roll just keeps getting higher. Such weirdness will come... someday.
Tanam: okay, there goes another spell slot...
Vafrus: Yeah, both of them now. This is how much I care about trying to get this thing done.
Tanam: Nat. 20. "
Rozafeen: I am so sorry, he's an idiot. We were actually looking for your...
Harmony: Your dumb cousin?
Vafrus: Heh heh "Your dumb cousin." I dropped the Eldritch Blast spell. I'm so defeated.
Rozafeen: "... whose first name is..." someone else is gonna say it.
Don: Am... tom...
Tanam: Am-ton-it.
Don: Amtonit, that was it.
Tanam: They look over at Ruffort and say, "Well, first off, you were there. I was quite upset about that spider attack. it's, rather upsetting to me that you would even insinuate that I was involved. As for my cousin, he's not here right now and, hence, my assistant brought you to me instead."
Don: You know, it would be better if your assistant would just like tell us that they're busy or not around?
Tanam: "Hmm. Yeah, but for honored guests who came in through the blue gate and were given rooms appropriate to their station, an answer of, "oh, I'm sorry, we can't do that," is just not acceptable."
Don: Okay, look. here's the thing is your cousin- or whatever relation- did some bad stuff with the spiders. As in, caused the attack. And we have that... pretty much... we- we have some proof. So, maybe you tell us what you know, and then we don't have to do the whole thing where there's a lot of punching.
Tanam: Okay, roll either Intimidation or Persuasion.
Don: Yeah, those are both negative one. but I rolled a nineteen. Hey, I rolled well for once tonight! Eighteen. And it was Intimidation. I think that was obvious based on the crap I said.
Tanam: Yeah. At the end there, the minus one worth of Intimidation that you did at the end.
Don: Mm-hmm.
Harmony: Yeah, I'd like to join. I'd like to use Animal Handling to have Smart Jimmy hold up his wings, but, like, they're fists.
Tanam: Okay. Go ahead and roll Animal Handling to help out.
Harmony: 20!
Don: Damn.
Tanam: Okay, you somehow communicate that to Smart Jimmy and Smart Jimmy not only holds up their fist, but, like, flies over to the desk and holds them up menacingly.
Don: You don't want ta mess with Smart Jimmy.
Rozafeen: He does leg day.
Don: He used to be, like, a Sorceress's familiar or something.
Tanam: "Did you-, did- did- did- did you say the Sorceress?"
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: "What- what business do you have with her?"
Harmony: She's our best friend.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: I'm shaking my fist at my brain.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Marie Amtonet? Nooo, that's not it.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Making Mark edit bits and pieces of this into a Frankenstein thing would be kind of funny.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: This is the weirdest battle I've ever been in.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: So I'm going to start saying things and, anyone else, feel free to try to pick up as something sounds vaguely familiar at all.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: Unique identifiers, that's what we need here.
Don: That's right, all we're gonna have is a bunch of people running around with GUIDs as names. I don't think I can make that joke.
Harmony, remember, you're Sherlock Holmes here, you gotta put it all together. You can definitely cut that out.
Marie Amtonet? Nooo, that's not it.
Tanam: Do you have the list of facts that we need to hit?
Harmony: Let's find out!
Rozafeen: Oh my god, I do not want to hear it again.
Don: What? You don't want to hear that brilliant story explained from five perspectives?
Rozafeen: Some asshole who is related to the people that own this land stabbed some fucker who came out of the mirror in a black cloak and he did it in a really evil, bad way, and also his idiot cousin with the same last name was in the town we came from. The end!!!