The Intern: Hey everyone. Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern, coming to you live from... lab floor... still.
Since I'm recording another intro, that must mean that it's the beginning of week two of sleeping on the lab floor. It hasn't been great? Can probably tell that I haven't been the most comfortable here. And also, ooh, what I wouldn't give for that double food that the innkeeper's offering. Someone left a bag of individually wrapped pieces of cheese in the fridge, and I'm pretty sure that they forgot about them, so I don't feel bad at all using one of the lab microwave emitters to melt them into vending machine chips... Nachos! It's fine. It's fine.
So, the big question, of course, is whether the crew can get away from the siren song of double food. I know that it would be difficult for me to be resist, especially right now. Oh, it's fine. I'm fine. It's fine. It's fine.
Vafrus: Or that like, I tried to summon him and fucked it up. I tried to summon a demon and just coincidentally he happened to come along at the same time and was like, "oh, hey."
Tanam: he just showed up at the same, yeah, it had nothing to do with your summoning ability.
Rozafeen: Tell me more about this Demon Prince. What's his sitch? Is he hot?
Tanam: he's insubstantial, isn't he? Like have you ever actually seen him? I don't think you have.
Vafrus: I am sure that he looks like the face of evil at midnight itself. He is the Great Dark Lord- or you know soon to be. Isn't currently ruling the world. Minor hiccup.
Tanam: I mean, and that's what your job is, right?
Vafrus: Uh huh, yeah, yeah, I'm like his first lieutenant, his main minion. and together we are, we are going to bring the world to its knees. Definitely isn't just a really cool guy who's trying to keep me out of trouble, I totally summoned him with my, uh, real book of magic and darkness.
Tanam: you tried to take that to Urekas cult, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, I've been carrying it around everywhere. It's, obviously a very important artifact because it was able to summon the great and powerful god of the netherworld. Definitely isn't just some book of nonsense that, I happened to be quoting from when he randomly found me.
Rozafeen: if we could get back to, like, the really important issue, which is, is he hot?
Vafrus: it's gonna have to be up to Tanam. Is he hot, Tanam?
Tanam: Hmm. .
Rozafeen: I guess he is an NPC.
Vafrus: I mean, yeah, he, if he, if he had like a body that hadn't been like-
Tanam: Destroyed.
Vafrus: Discomporialized by coming through mirror,
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: What did he look like before he entered our realm? The answer is yeah, he's hot.
Tanam: sorry. I'm, I'm focusing too much on like, what are the implications of someone actually coming through the mirrors? Um, yeah. Okay. yeah, I'm sure he was probably hot. Yes.
Vafrus: Course he is. Can't rule the universe with an iron fist if you're, you know, not hot, obviously. Obviously he's hot.
Tanam: There seemed like several places in there, especially in the discussion of whether he's hot, that Urekas would have jumped in.
Rozafeen: Sadly it's true.
Vafrus: Nobody can tell her about this conversation.
Harmony: Hey!
Vafrus: Hey,
Don: Hey.
Harmony: What was that?
Tanam: Um...
Rozafeen: Tanam, tell me what we did last time so that we can start. Playing. The. Game.
Don: What happened last time? Questions I ask every day, but really today.
Tanam: Where were we?
Vafrus: We did the bubbles! It was the bubbles!
Rozafeen: I think I made mud?
Vafrus: I blew up Don! I remember that.
Don: I got blown up. Yeah, that's what I remember.
Harmony: we're getting double breakfast.
Vafrus: Oh yes!
Tanam: Well, double, dinner and then double breakfast.
Vafrus: yeah, yeah.
Rozafeen: Oh, please tell me that breakfast isn't the whole thing that we're doing this time.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a breakfast session! The next three sessions is all breakfast!
Rozafeen: You know, no second, third, whatever we're on breakfast is complete without a snow sculpted icy beverage from the Fyoos! Snow sculpt!
Harmony: Let's get breakfast to go and we can adventure while we eat.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Don: But, they promised double breakfast.
Harmony: We'll get both breakfasts to go. It's a double breakfast after all.
Vafrus: Tanam can I roll for double breakfast?
Tanam: Sure. Roll, I guess a straight up luck.
Vafrus: I got a nine.
Tanam: Oh, okay. So it's fine.
Vafrus: I demand a refund! I feel like we need to hunt down the person who made this happen.
Vafrus: Or we can go to the spider forest. We're going to spider forest, right?
Don: Maybe the spiders will taste better than the breakfast.
Rozafeen: And I guess we're taking Tagak with us?
Tanam: yeah, so Tagak and Teep are with you. You had just sent them to Klaoil... and... they are now in Klaoil. I don't know if they had much plans beyond that.
Rozafeen: Great, spider forest for everybody!
Don: Tagak and Teep have just incredibly low Wisdom scores 'cuz they keep on following us around and, there is no reason.
Harmony: I think they're pretty wise for following me, but okay.
Don: You think everyone's wise for following you.
Harmony: They are wise following me.
Don: Yeah, kay.
Harmony: Great.
Rozafeen: All right, so I've got one serving of breakfast in one hand and the other serving of breakfast in the other hand and I'm walking toward the forest.
Harmony: Yeah, and I've changed out of the pancake outfit.
Rozafeen: That's a real shame.
Vafrus: Oh, did we get a long rest? Are we all full up now?
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah; everybody got a long rest.
Don: Do I get to get unexploded?
Tanam: Yup.
Rozafeen: Wait, I've had a long rest since I made water like two minutes ago?
Tanam: What? Oh, no, no, it's the next morning.
Rozafeen: Oh, okay.
Tanam: Unless you mean when you went to the bathroom.
Rozafeen: We're not talking about that.
Tanam: Okay, so the shining bell-
Vafrus: Ooo! That's a good name for it. It sounded like it was just a description, but we could start calling it the Shining Bell. That's kind of cool.
Tanam: Okay, the Shining Bell, it is, it has been upgraded. So the Shining Bell is pointing in the general direction of the Jahakatam Family Estates and Resort.
Harmony: Looks fancy.
Vafrus: Do any of us actually know about that?
Don: Yeah, that sounds like one of those, Tanam knows about it and is really, really surprised that we don't know about it, and then we spend like 20 minutes, tryin' ta-
Rozafeen: "It's me, I'm Tanam. Hwoooh!?"
Vafrus: okay, no, everyone, on three. We gotta gasp together. One, two, three. Okay, Tanam, tell us about it.
Tanam: How about. I just put a map on the glaze, annnd...
Rozafeen: You are no fun.
Tanam: you can just look at it.
Harmony: Oh, sweet.
Rozafeen: Oooooooo....
Vafrus: Ooh! Ah! It's actually, it's actually pretty good!
Rozafeen: "Actually pretty good." It is pretty good.
Don: You've outdone yourself.
Harmony: yeah, this is good.
Tanam: So, okay,
Harmony: Hehe. Spider Wall.
Vafrus: The hotel, ooh, look, there's a racetrack, look at all this new stuff that we didn't know about.
Don: Oh, wow.
Harmony: Oh, yeah. Need to not get distracted by the racetrack, but I really want to go.
Tanam: I knew it was risky putting it in there.
Vafrus: It's in between us and anything else.
Don: Alright, where's the "You Are Here" sign?
Tanam: I've got the little party marker there. It says "party."
Don: No, I- I get you. I was joking.
Rozafeen: I don't.
Tanam: You don't see it?
Rozafeen: I don't see it.
Harmony: Is that the green?
Tanam: You're up here in the Wanderlust Belt.
Harmony: Ooooooh! I see it; where it says party?
Tanam: yeah.
Rozafeen: Oh! It has a little wiggly thing. Okay!
Harmony: I wanna go to the party.
Tanam: That's not a party. That's y'all. It's the party.
Rozafeen: We are a party.
Don: Urekas keeps thinking that there's an actual party that just follows us around, so...
Harmony: No, no. That follows me around.
Tanam: yeah. there's no "we" there.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Rozafeen: We've discussed this.
Don: I'm sorry. "Follows you around."
Tanam: Yeah. So it's still a bit in the distance, but you can see, there is an elegant, but still very much made of trees carved into spikes fence around the whole compound. So that's that line there that says "Grand Spike Fence." That's what that is: they're just logs carved into spikes bound together to make a fence.
Rozafeen: Deadly.
Tanam: Yep.
Harmony: I hate spikes.
Tanam: Wait, you hate spikes?
Harmony: Well, I hate getting stabbed by spikes.
Tanam: Oh, I mean, that's fair.
Don: You know what? I will restrain from commenting on this.
Tanam: Okay. The light is shining. I'm assuming that you guys are doing the thing where you uncover it briefly, just long enough to see which direction it's going. Hellena was carrying the light. Is that right?
Rozafeen: The bell? Yeah.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So the green thing there on the right hand side of the compound is, the Green Gate. Up ahead, there's a clearly marked path that has a big sign that says, "Jahakatam Family Estates and Resort." And the path goes off in that direction.
Vafrus: Are Teek and Tagok with us? Can we have coerced them into coming?
Tanam: I don't know about coerced. I think you guys are like, "Hey, you want to go with us?" And they're like, "Sure. We don't have anything else to do."
Vafrus: Oh, excellent. Okay.
Tanam: The party has grown.
Vafrus: What's, what's their AC, DM?
Rozafeen: Mov-ing on.
Vafrus: Okay. We follow the path!
Tanam: Okay. The path forks. One path is marked "guests" and has a big arrow. The other path is unmarked.
Don: Well we're not exactly guests, so I guess we go through the other path.
Harmony: Yeah, I- I'm more royalty.
Vafrus: We follow "miscellaneous."
Tanam: Okay. so as you go along the unmarked trail, it's off in this direction towards the Blue Gate, which is at the top there. When you get to the Blue Gate, it's, called the Blue Gate because it is, in fact, blue.
Don: Yeah, that's pretty accurate.
Tanam: In front of it are two guards. They are standing with shields and swords in their hands. It seems like a kind of tiring way to stand guard, but, they have chain mail on and on the chain mail are painted black spiders. Their gray helmets have a black spider painted on them as well, and their shields have lines of what look like stamped spider insignias.
Harmony: Should we alert them? They're covered with spiders. I would want someone to tell me.
Vafrus: Maybe they like the spiders. Maybe we need to get more spiders for them.
Don: yeah we could, we could get some spiders and then like, you know add them in.
Harmony: Have the guards seen us yet?
Tanam: They have not given any indication one way or the other.
Vafrus: I could disguise the party as giant spiders. I'm sure they would appreciate that.
Harmony: Can I do a quick-change in a spider costume?
Rozafeen: I could just shroud us in mist. That's always an option.
Don: I think my armor's probably got a bunch of arms, uh, and and I could get like eight of them out, maybe?
Harmony: You have to sound like a spider, as well. What is your best spider impersonation?
Don: Chitter, chitter, chitter, why am I doing this?
Vafrus: Ah! It's so real.
Rozafeen: it's a spider's life, man.
Don: I'm sorry, did you want a Performance roll?
Tanam: I'm a little bit unclear. Maybe I should mention again the spider stamps on the shield in a little line, and the two of the guards have different numbers of these stamps.
Vafrus: So do you think if I make myself a shield with the most stamps that they'll do what I say?
Don: You should definitely do that.
Rozafeen: It's not the dumbest idea you've had.
Vafrus: oh, my friends are encouraging me. Okay, it's on their shield. Do they have like uniforms with spiders on them?
Tanam: So, the one on the left is tall, and, they have seven spider stamps on their shield.
Rozafeen: Likes long walks on the beach.
Tanam: The right one is- uh, is about Georg's height and has 12 spider stamps on their shield. Otherwise, despite being, like, vastly different sizes, their clothes do appear to be uniforms.
Vafrus: Okay, so here's the thing. It is much cheaper for me to make clothes, with magic than shields. if it's on their shields, I don't want to waste a spell on this. I don't think it's going to work.
Rozafeen: Well, I don't know. Urekas is very charismatic. Does she want to do something?
Harmony: Yeah, I go up to both of them, and I wink at them both at the same time. So you would think it's a blink, but it's actually a wink, just a double wink. Hey, handsomes.
Tanam: The helmets shroud their faces, but as far as you can tell, they are staring forward and have no response.
Harmony: Ohhh. Do you two want help coming out of your cocoons?
Vafrus: Wheeewww.
Don: You know spiders don't actually have cocoons, right?
Harmony: They kind of do, right? I mean, they trap their victims and- I dunno. I'm not a spider.
Tanam: Are you guys having this conversation there?
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Absolutely.
Vafrus: Right in front of them. Loudly too. Like, there's no like whispering.
Rozafeen: Justice goes up and sniffs them.
Tanam: Roll an Insight check.
Don: You know, that's way better than Initiative, so I'll take it.
Rozafeen: Whenever he says roll an Insight check, it means the thing I want to do is bad.
Vafrus: While that's going on, can I use Prestidigitation to make it seem like one of them farts?
Rozafeen: I got a 20.
Vafrus: Ooh, that's pretty good.
Tanam: Justice is sniffing. You couldn't point to anything in particular, but you feel like they are both a little bit tenser with Justice sniffing around, but they haven't made any moves and then one of them farts
Don: IIIIIII... Just-,
Vafrus: it's a rank one, too.
Tanam: and, how does Justice react to that?
Rozafeen: She just walks off.
Tanam: No judgy looks or anything?
Rozafeen: Well, she always looks judgy.
Tanam: Fair.
Vafrus: Okay, well this is great. Uh, these people seem to be irrelevant. Let's continue on our way.
Tanam: Okay
Don: That's it?
Vafrus: Is there like a gate in our way or something?
Tanam: so they are standing on both sides of the Blue Gate. It is ajar.
Vafrus: Okay, I'll try to walk through.
Tanam: As soon as you get close, they cross their swords in front of you.
Harmony: Excuse us, we're trying to get over there.
Rozafeen: Can you let me through because I- I need to?
Vafrus: I look at them expectantly, like, obviously. Oh wait, and I forgot to roll weird for my fart. Okay, I passed.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: It was a normal fart, not a weird one.
Tanam: In a somewhat muffled by the helmet voice, in response to all your protests, one of them says, "Guests go through the Green Gate, as instructed on the sign."
Don: I mean, we're not really guests, exactly. We're just, you know, passing through, I think.
Harmony: How about this? What spell would this be? You let us go through, I'll give you my extra breakfast.
Vafrus: Suggestion?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Okay. It's a Wisdom save, right?
Don: Versus breakfast.
Vafrus: Breakfast has got to add a couple points, right?
Tanam: what's your, spell save DC? You know what? It doesn't, it doesn't matter. Uh, Critical Fail.
Vafrus: They haven't eaten in while.
Don: Breakfast is really tempting.
Tanam: So, to the extreme surprise of- so which one did you say it to?
Harmony: Oh, to the hotter one.
Tanam: So, there is one that is tall, and has seven spider stamps, and there's one that is short, and has twelve spider stamps. Which one is hotter?
Rozafeen: Well, how's she supposed to know which one of those is hotter?
Vafrus: What is hotter? Spider stamps or being taller? Urekas, tell us the secret.
Don: Well, wait, wasn't the taller one also the one with more spider stamps?
Tanam: Nope, nope.
Vafrus: 7 to 12.
Don: Oh, okay, maybe I misheard. Sorry. Please continue.
Harmony: Okay, the one with seven spider stamps.
Tanam: The tall one?
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay. Hellena's ongoing Insight lets her know that there is a weird breaking of tension, but, of extreme surprise when the one on the left- the tall one- responds to you and says, "Oh, in that case," and pulls their sword back puts it in a sheath and holds out their hand.
Harmony: Okay, great! I give him my breakfast. Let's go!
Vafrus: Excellent.
Tanam: Takes it, and, yeah, just kind of moves out of the way. And the other one is like, "um..."
Vafrus: I'll push by the remaining guy. If he protests, I'll say, "you missed your chance, man."
Rozafeen: I'm gonna use Misty Step to just be on the other side of this gate.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I slowly clank through and wave on the way past.
Tanam: The one on the right is saying, "Ahb- ah- ba- Let's- You can't just...!" and the other one is just eating the breakfast.
Harmony: Great! He's so hot when he eats.
Vafrus: Oh no! I'm jealous now. And I already ate all of my breakfast! I'm, like, feeling around my pockets to see if I can find any little scrap to eat so that I'll be hotter.
Rozafeen: I hand you a little piece of snack.
Vafrus: Hwuuuuh!?
Harmony: Hey! Look at you. You've been working out?
Vafrus: Ohhh.... I'm I'm I'm really touched. I- I- I- I thought Hellena didn't like me anymore, but now seems like things might be going a different way.
Rozafeen: Despite however many sessions ago Hellena maybe thinking that Calumn was actually kind of hot, she's gotten over it.
Vafrus: Oh-
Rozafeen: She just wants the best for him and his obviously unrequited crush.
Vafrus: Listen, I have a negative two to understand what other people think.
Rozafeen: I'm just saying that's where she's at. She's at "pat, pat, pat, have some snack food."
Rozafeen: Just want to say for the record, I'm not fully retiring the slap ring. But I am slipping it into a further away back pocket. I feel like Calumn has grown.
Vafrus: Aww.
Rozafeen: I would say matured, but that's not true.
Tanam: It's still there though, just to be clear.
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, the threat remains.
Vafrus: That, that, that touches my heart, Rozafeen, and I will be sure to disappoint you as soon as possible.
Rozafeen: I look forward to it, by some definitions.
Vafrus: Anyway, I eat the little scrap so that I can be hot for all the women who might see me.
Vafrus: On we go!
Tanam: Through the Blue Gate. Tagak and Teep, having not spent much time with y'all, they're not saying anything, but they're, they're very clearly-
Vafrus: That kind of guards. They're for keeping other people out.
Tanam: They're just, "Okay, I guess this is- this is what we're doing." They don't actually say that, but yeah, that, yeah, they, they, they follow you through.
Vafrus: Good job, Harmony.
Harmony: Thank you.
Tanam: So the entrance that you have gone in through is a very short walk to- what you are guessing is- the hotel. It is multiple stories and very fancy looking. Like, aggressively fancy.
Harmony: Aggressively fancy? Does it have spikes on it?
Tanam: No, no, not, fancily aggressive. It's aggressively fancy. Like it's, obvious that the message that the designer and builder of the hotel wanted to convey was, "This is a fancy hotel."
Vafrus: So they probably have a lot of sheets, is what you're saying.
Harmony: For now, they have a lot of sheets. Perfect.
Vafrus: We need to stay here for a while.
Don: Yeah, there's a lot of experiments to do. I bet their breakfast is better than other place.
Rozafeen: I mean, it looks fancy.
Vafrus: What does the Shining Bell say?
Rozafeen: Oh, good question. I take it out.
Tanam: It briefly shines a bright light on the wall of the hotel.
Rozafeen: Oh!
Vafrus: Okay, here's the plan. Urekas goes to the front desk as a distraction. The rest of us will scale the outer wall and break in through the windows.
Don: H've you seen me recently? I'm not really a scaly kind of person.
Vafrus: Build a catapult for Georg!
Rozafeen: I mean, we could sneak into the hotel or we could just stay in it.
Don: Yeah, we can just walk in, right?
Vafrus: This is just an idea for the next one.
Don: Don't take this the wrong way. I don't trust you with a catapult.
Vafrus: So we're looking at the hotel. It's very fancy.
Tanam: Yeah, so there, there is a path that heads directly from the Blue Gate- that you just passed through- right up to a back door to the hotel. But it's not like a shameful, hidden back door.
Vafrus: Hmm.
Tanam: It is a beautiful, very enticing back door.
Vafrus: That must be the secret entrance. We'll try that.
Don: We could also go through the shameful front door.
Vafrus: Yeah, the shame door is obviously on the other side. We'll go through the honor backdoor.
Tanam: As you get a little bit closer there does seem to be an attendant in a uniform not like a guard uniform, but it exudes butler. Before you approach, I will give you all the option of- a weird mechanic I'm making up right now- but, pick a skill that you are passively using, so like, normally you have your Passive Perception, or whatever, but like, pick a skill that you are passively using as you are walking around here, and, uh, give me a roll, so I guess it's not totally passive, but, give me a roll and let me know which skill and what you got.
Don: So don't use our passive roll...
Vafrus: I got a 17 at my "passive" Deception check.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Uh, I got an 11 on my passive active Investigation check.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: Quick question. Using the helm, would that count as a passive skill to read thoughts?
Tanam: Oh, that's interesting. go ahead and pick a skill, and then if you also want to be scanning the thoughts of the butler as you approach, you can do that.
Harmony: Mm hmm. I do a quick change to also look like a butler and Performance as a butler.
Vafrus: Yes, I have my own butler. This is amazing.
Harmony: 26.
Tanam: Ah, okay.
Vafrus: And my butler is the best butler.
Tanam: ha ha! By all appearances. Okay, Rozafeen, what about Hellena?
Rozafeen: How long am I going to be passively doing this skill? Is it just walking past the butler or is it like an extensive hallway?
Tanam: it shouldn't be something that, like, is taking you a lot of energy and focus.
Vafrus: We're not allowed to use spells and stuff to boost it, I think is what "passive" means in this context.
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: Ahhh, okay. Well, I'm really surprised that, uh, Urekas didn't use passive aggression then.
Rozafeen: That's for free.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Don: That's a free action.
Rozafeen: I think just Passive Perception is the one I'd want to go with.
Tanam: Okay. And do you want to also roll and see if you get better than your stated passive perception?
Rozafeen: Sure.
Don: If we didn't do better than our stated passive, can we use our stated passive instead?
Vafrus: Oh yeah!
Tanam: Sure.
Don: Okay, then my, my, uh, Passive Investigation is a 17.
Rozafeen: Yeah, mine's a 25.
Vafrus: Whew.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Is the butler gonna roll their buttle skill?
Tanam: yeah. So I'm, I'm trying to think here. Again, you guys, took a direction that I did not expect. I should know you better by now.
Vafrus: Sorry, I, I was, I wasn't true to my character. I attacked the butler with Eldritch Blast. The skill I meant to roll was my attack. Here. I'll, I'll roll that for ya.
Don: So you're literally using passive aggression. I love it.
Vafrus: Sorry, sorry, my bad, Tanam.
Harmony: I am curious, did you expect us to be normal and say, "Hello butler, how are you?"
Tanam: No, no, I was looking more for like Perception or Insight or Arcana or something like that.
Vafrus: Oh, we were like, we're supposed be curious that there's a butler here.
Tanam: I don't know, just you're just kind of just like, what are you passively, like, what kinds of things are you passively paying attention to? But I think I phrased it weird, so it's fine. There are other implications of things that happened. Urekas now looks like Ruffort's butler.
Vafrus: yes,
Tanam: Ruffort is being passively Deceitful, which is, you know-
Vafrus: Yeah. .
Tanam: So,
Vafrus: It's my actual continuous passive. Lie to everybody.
Tanam: I had information based on, on how you did on all these, so I'm just going to give you the information, cause-
Vafrus: Hellena rolled perception, right? She can have the information.
Tanam: Yeah, she definitely gets- okay, so, if you got better than a 10, you get this: the butler at the door reminds you of the butler at the Second's house? I'm not sure if you guys remember them, but, the butler was always suddenly there whenever you were about to head in some direction, and they just exuded butler-ness.
Vafrus: The Second was the guy who was like, exploiting Beeb, and then we like-
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah.
Tanam: So, you went to his house twice.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was an idiot. Okay, I remember him. We read his mind, and he had a very peculiar thought pattern. Okay.
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: And he had a butler, got it.
Tanam: And he had a butler the first time you went.
Vafrus: Whom we murdered. That's too bad.
Tanam: What? What, no?
Vafrus: I just assumed. Sorry. Continue.
Harmony: Yeah, what are the thoughts I'm reading? Is it, "I hate being dead, I hate being dead..."
Vafrus: "Look! There's those idiots that killed me!"
Tanam: this-
Vafrus: Sorry, Tanam. Sorry. Continue. Do DMing.
Tanam: Someone who you, who you did not kill or harass, actually. It's quite surprising.
Don: No, that's a lie. We've harassed everyone we've met.
Vafrus: Sorry DM, you're right about everything, but you're wrong about this.
Rozafeen: I do not believe for a second that we did not harass that butler.
Tanam: maybe a little bit, but- okay, if you got a 15 or better, you notice that the butler exudes butler-ness in the same way that Ruffort exudes handsomeness.
Harmony: hmm.
Don: So... completely accurately and without question?
Tanam: Urekas is doing the passive read thoughts on the butler and what she gets is nothing.
Vafrus: Even dumber than the Second.
Tanam: yeah, it's not even like there's- there are... There are not thoughts happening there. This is like I'm, I'm imagining some time that Urekas decided to try to read thoughts of a table or something.
Harmony: Or Don.
Don: Harsh. Not entirely inaccurate sometimes. But harsh.
Vafrus: Just because there's no proof, we can believe.
Tanam: Unlike Don.
Don: Y'all are jerks.
Rozafeen: I sighed. I didn't participate in this one. Let the record show.
Don: That's fair. Some of y'all are jerks.
Vafrus: Yeahhhh.
Tanam: So, yeah. Urekas just gets nothing. As far as the helm is concerned, there is not a person there.
Don: Would you say, and just give me a second, that Urekas got what she deserved?
Tanam: What?
Don: Well, you said she got nothing.
Vafrus: Ahhhhh.
Tanam: I appreciate that the two of you generally keep your feuding to a minimum at the table.
Vafrus: I don't. This is great. Keep doin' it.
Don: I see where you're going with this.
Harmony: Yeah, I'm going to separate my emotions from gameplay. I was just asking a logical question.
Tanam: Okay. And if you got above a 20 on a Perception related thing, which I think only Hellena did, right?
Vafrus: Yep, it's just Hellena. This is what Hellena gets.
Tanam: Okay, this is what Hellena gets. The butler is a construct.
Rozafeen: Ahh.
Harmony: So okay. Butler is a table.
Vafrus: Butler is a table.
Don: Does Urekas tell us that the butler's a table? Is this-
Rozafeen: I mean, I know.
Tanam: Yeah, you know.
Harmony: I whisper it, and I set a piece of jewelry on top of his head. To test it.
Vafrus: Yes!
Tanam: Okay, so you, as a butler, walk over to this other butler. And put a piece of jewelry on his head. Okay. So which, which piece of jewelry is this?
Harmony: My bracelet.
Tanam: Which bracelet is this?
Harmony: it's on my right hand and it's made out of plated gold.
Tanam: Is it magical or notable or like an heirloom or something like that, or is it, just a pretty gold bracelet?
Harmony: It's a friendship bracelet from my friends.
Tanam: Oh, okay. The butler is in the middle of greeting you, "Hello, honored guests. Welcome-" and stops as you reach out and put a bracelet on his head.
Vafrus: You've got a little somethin' right- right- right- Yep, just about there.
Tanam: "Thank you, I will hold this for you."
Harmony: Thank you, friend.
Vafrus: What a good table. You just set something on it and it holds it for you
Tanam: he's-
Don: uh
Rozafeen: You didn't say that out loud, right?
Vafrus: Well, I guess my character doesn't know he's a table. So I guess not.
Don: Oh, wait, were we not told that he's a table already?
Harmony: I whispered it
Don: Oh, you whispered. Okay, yeah, I say it out loud. I'm like, "oh, what a good table," and then I walk by. This person's name is Table now, as far as I'm concerned.
Tanam: he says, "Excellent, would you like me to show you to your rooms?"
Vafrus: I am ignoring Table. I walk into the building.
Rozafeen: I say, "Yes, please."
Vafrus: You don't listen to tables when they talk! That's silly.
Don: I try to get Ruffort's attention, and I try to, try to be like, "it's, it's not a table, it, it's another allegory. She's not very good at this."
Vafrus: All right.
Harmony: As a butler, I remain neutral.
Don: But as a butthead, what do you do?
Harmony: I continue reading empty thoughts.
Don: That was a good burn, that was a great burn. Uwhhhh.
Vafrus: So I just rolled a natural two, which I'm going to interpret as, uh, Calumn not knowing what the word "allegory" means, so I'm going to assume Calumn believes you've just informed him that it's a kind of creature called an "allegory."
Don: Oh no.
Vafrus: and it sounds like a pretty dangerous creature to me, so now I'm, like, ready to go. I'm like, oh, that allegory's coming for us.
Don: I'll follow up with- because you probably look like a little thrown off- "It's like a table, but it's not."
Vafrus: Ooh, alright, it's a table in disguise, got it.
Tanam: So Tagak and Teep, at the mention of showing you to your rooms, they both make, like, audible, "oh!" kind of noises, and those of you with empathy-
Vafrus: you guys, I think the DM is trying to nudge us in a direction.
Tanam: No, I- I'm just saying like, you know, they've been traveling and stuff, but however, in the direction that Ruffort was originally going, you can tell down that hallway, that eventually it leads to a place where there's a bunch of people talking. There's not screaming or anything like that, but it definitely sounds like noises of people having an enjoyable time.
Don: When you say "enjoyable time," what do you mean?
Tanam: I mean, you may, occasional cheers, but like mostly, conversation going on-
Don: Okay, okay
Tanam: Some laughter and stuff like that.
Don: I just heard "Not screaming," and then "enjoyable time," And there's only one kind of enjoyable screaming I can think of.
Harmony: Uhggggg.
Tanam: So the table has walked off down the hall.
Vafrus: Oh, it's name is Allegory, now.
Tanam: Allegory the Table- with the bracelet, like, perfectly balanced on top of his head- is, walking down the hall in a direction that is definitely very fancy. The halls are all nice, but this is like the nicer direction.
Vafrus: Good job distracting the allegory. I, try to give you like a fist bump and like, yeah, you got this.
Don: okay,
Harmony: You say "try," does that imply failure? Did you set the building on fire?
Vafrus: Let's say my actual fist is like slightly off from where the illusion fist is. Cause I'm slightly- Calumn is slightly shorter than Ruffort, so my arms don't reach quite as far.
Don: Oh, sorry, I always miss these, and like try again And then that one slightly off-
Vafrus: -like, we're like failing to fist bump as the allegory is walking away. That feels like it's almost kind of how this whole story has gone. some kind of metaphor? No, not that.
Don: Yeah, you probably don't know what that means, do you?!
Vafrus: Nah, word escapes me. Anyway, we chase after Allegory.
Tanam: Okay. So the butler takes you down the hall a bit, it is extremely fancy, although it's like legitimately fancy. It's not fancy in the way that the butler is a butler. They're actual expensive decorations and plush carpet and, and things like that. And you get to a magical lift.
Vafrus: Does Allegory go up or down?
Tanam: Allegory, says, we're on the top floor." bows a bit and points their arm into the lift.
Don: Uh, what kind of magical lift you got there?
Tanam: You know, just a magical lift, like the magical lifts. Like, what do you mean "kind"? are you looking for a brand?
Don: No, I'm looking for how, so, we're- out of character, we're playing well before magical lifts.
Tanam: Oh, no.
Don: Oh no, not Don and his "actually knows what's happening" thing going on again. Maybe he should write down three things that he likes about himself. One, knows facts. Thank you.
Rozafeen: Wow, you held on to that for a long time, Don.
Don: Yeah.
Rozafeen: I'm glad to know you retained the message that she was putting out there for you.
Harmony: I didn't think you were listening.
Don: I tried really hard not to, because my brain likes to latch on to things and then bring them back up later at inopportune times so that my friends can make fun of me.
Tanam: Okay, so, you're telling me that this wasn't... Uhghhhhh...
Don: Wasn't invented for a few more hundred years, it's okay. But, more importantly, and, and the thing that actually offended me-
Tanam: I'm gonna go sadly play some music now.
Don: oh, yeah, maybe you could play that music that wasn't quite on the right century either.
Tanam: Oh, when was it?
Don: I wanna say thirty three thirty three.
Tanam: Oh, seriously?
Don: Yeah, like all the threes in a row.
Tanam: Yeah. And also, like, that's right around the harpsichord, huh?
Don: Ahhh, you'd know better than I would for harpsichords.
Tanam: No, I mean, apparently I don't, that's the-
Don: Ah, you know, who really expects you to be an expert in everything?
Tanam: I just, this time period is going to be the death of me.
Don: You're more the historian. Uh, I just happen know stupid facts about when certain machines were invented. I don't even like that. What actually bothered me is that you keep calling it magic, and it's not magic. It's based on very simple physical principles.
Tanam: Ughhhh
Vafrus: Oh!
Don: Just looks like magic.
Vafrus: Well, that's the solution, then. The thing in the game is a magic one. Has nothing to do with whatever got invented in 3333. Problem solved!
Don: need a drink. You know what, screw it, I don't care. It's "magic." Let's just hand wave it away and not talk about it too much.
Tanam: little late for that, but okay. Okay, so-
Don: I'm sorry I brought it up.
Tanam: okay-
Don: It's very magic and very much invented at the right time.
Vafrus: Was there even a reason we went into this hotel? I feel like it was just sort of in front of us.
Harmony: There is a sign.
Don: There was a butler.
Vafrus: That's true.
Don: an enigma, no, a uh... Allegory! That's his name.
Vafrus: Yeah, we kidnap Allegory. Where does the Shining Bell say we should go next?
Tanam: Okay, Allegory is standing there, bowing a bit, pointing into the lift. Does Ruffort say, "Where's the Shining Bell say we're supposed to go?"?
Vafrus: Sure, yeah, Ruffort stops in this moment, has like, a rare like, beacon of self awareness, and is like, Wait, what the fuck are we doing here? And turn around and be like, hey, uh, uh, Hellena?
Rozafeen: Yes?
Vafrus: Where's, does the shining bell say we should go from here? Maybe we should to the, like, top floor, and like, so we can see further, and it'll like, take us anywhere that we're supposed to go.
Rozafeen: I turn my back on the construct and I pop it out of the bag just for a second.
Tanam: Okay. And are you like, are you trying to hide it from the construct?
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm probably not doing a great job, but oh, I bet you want a Stealth roll, alright.
Harmony: As a butler, I can help hide it.
Tanam: Well, I mean-
Vafrus: Tanam, you mentioned we're on the top floor. Are we like-
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, ba-by!
Tanam: No, you're not yet, you're not yet on the top floor. You are still on the ground floor.
Vafrus: Oh, okay.
Don: Wait, I thought you said we were on the top floor.
Tanam: No, no, no. So we are- "you are on the top floor" is the thing that the butler said to you-
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah.
Rozafeen: You know like how when you're in second grade, we are working really hard on vocabulary, and we have nice manners this morning? We're not talking about that. I got a 22 on Stealth.
Tanam: Hmm. That's an interesting- okay. So that's a really good Stealth roll. What I was going to say is, you're like on a northern hallway in the hotel, so your back is currently facing the butler, but also the place where, in general, the bell was pointing, so when you uncover it, it shines onto you, so you're supposed to go south from here, uh, which is what you knew before... But, with the 22-
Vafrus: South is, like, through the hotel, right?
Tanam: Yes.
Don: Oh no.
Vafrus: Okay, well, let's ignore the lift and follow the bell. Like, we'll just-
Don: But wait, didn't, didn't the bell point right towards the hotel before?
Rozafeen: Well, now we're in the hotel, so we're getting more specific information, but you know what? I wouldn't mind seeing our rooms.
Vafrus: They might have sheets there.
Don: Oh that's a really good point. We can play with sheets.
Vafrus: Okay, let's go up and see the sheets.
Harmony: They might have chocolate fountains, too.
Don: I turn to the butler and I say, uh, "So, uh, Allegory... what's your threadcount?"
Vafrus: Yes.
Tanam: okay. Were you having this conversation about sheets?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, we out loud had this conversation about, "ah, there might be sheets there."
Tanam: Okay. looks up. slightly from the pose of bowing and pointing into the lift and says, "The highest, sir."
Don: Sweet!
Vafrus: I'm a little offended because even I know how numbers work. I may not have invented physics.
Don: You know, I was willing to take this guy at his word whatta you want to say to him?
Vafrus: " I think I'll just be the judge of that when I take all of his sheets." We go see the room.
Tanam: Tagak is a little bit hesitant to get into the lift, but Teep laughs at her a bit and grabs her hand and pulls her in, and they zip up to the top.
Vafrus: Could go wrong following this group of assholes?
Don: Afraid of heights or something?
Tanam: As you pointed out, Don, lifts are not a common thing in the world at this point. And-
Don: They're not real. I get it. It's a fake lift. We're all actually falling.
Tanam: Well, no, it's just more that, like, despite its fanciness, the Great World Gambling Hall still uses stairs. As does the associated hotel there. So, this is outside of Tagak's experience.
Tanam: But, anyhow, you all get to the top and the hallway up here is even more elegant. It's like each time you get to a new hallway, you keep on thinking, "how could this get more elegant?" And they manage to make the carpets even plusher and the decorations even more expensive looking. As he's walking in front of you, Allegory says, "Of course with a party this size, you're going to be in the Southern Suite."
Vafrus: Did Allegory come in the lift with us or did he just appear at the top?
Tanam: You don't remember.
Don: Wait, really?
Vafrus: Okay, whatever. This is probably fine. There's gonna be sheets, that's what I'm focused on. The in the southern room, that was a, key word drop, big, duh, duh, duh,
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Okay. Uh, we the southern room.
Tanam: He walks with you down some hallways, to the, other side of the hotel, and, as far as you can tell, this one suite seems to take up the entire south- western corner of the top floor here.
Don: So we got the honeymoon suite?
Vafrus: Excellent.
Tanam: Well, this is, great for Tagak and Teep, right?
Don: Yeah, except for us.
Vafrus: we're apparently expected here, even though, like, I was about to try to convince them that I'd bought a room, but it didn't really take much convincing.
Don: Yeah, we were weirdly expected.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Don: Thanks?
Vafrus: DM, can I a thing I'm almost certain to fail at and try to check for traps?
Tanam: okay. but you have to, uh, tell me what it looks like.
Vafrus: Do I do that before or after I roll?
Tanam: Tell me what you're doing and then roll. And then add details based on the roll.
Vafrus: I'm gonna suddenly stop in the middle of the hallway, and start, like, frantically looking around, and then, like-
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: -thinking, oh, wait, I've heard there can be, like, traps in the carpet, so I'm, like, poking at the carpet. Listening to it, just, just with no context, just like, telling nobody anything about what the hell is wrong with me, I'm just like, one minute this regal man walking suddenly, I'm like, "I need to listen to the floor!"
Rozafeen: And the thing is, nobody's surprised.
Tanam: Okay. and what do you roll?
Vafrus: I got a 16 on the die, minus 2 is 14, but I've also got a D4 I can add if that's a failed check. Is it a failed check?
Tanam: So you don't find anything.
Vafrus: Alright. I, I, I, I ask the Prince for help as I hold my talisman. We're gonna do something. Okay, that's it. I rolled a four on my d4, so we're up to 18.
Tanam: Okay...
Vafrus: I'm the most aware of my surroundings I have literally ever been.
Don: I mean, you can always ask Urekas for Bardic Inspiration.
Vafrus: Oh, yeah, Urekas. I feel this is important.
Harmony: Well, since I'm pretending to be your butler, okay.
Vafrus: This is amazing. Having a pretend butler is the best.
Harmony: You've got this. You can do it. If you find any carpet fibers that look even remotely suspicious, give them to me. It's worth it.
Vafrus: I'm like out of my way Allegory, as, I'm, like, snooping around.
Tanam: So what does that let you add?
Harmony: D8.
Vafrus: Okay. Got a six, puts me at 24!
Tanam: You are more certain-
Vafrus: through the power of cultic motivation.
Tanam: -than you have ever been. And that's saying something because you are very certain about a lot of things.
Vafrus: Uh-huh.
Tanam: There are no traps in this hallway. Probably not any anywhere nearby, even.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Harmony: Thank you, hero.
Vafrus: I really thought allegory was about to like, do something dirty just now, but we're fine. Full of confidence. I walk forward.
Tanam: Like nothing happened, he continues and reaches to his side and doesn't put his hand in his pocket, just like puts his hand at his side and then comes up with a key, unlocks the door, and lets you in.
Vafrus: This is good and right. Everybody should just give me rooms and stuff. I go in the room.
Tanam: He asks you as you head in, "How many keys will you be needing?"
Vafrus: Thirty.
Tanam: "Right." Hands everyone in the party a key and, gives the, leftover of the 30 to you.
Vafrus: Excellent. Alright, I give one to Justice.
Rozafeen: Excellent. She's carrying it around in her teeth. Like a little catnip toy.
Vafrus: And for the rest of the time we're here, I'm just gonna kind of scatter them behind me.
Rozafeen: Like breadcrumbs?
Vafrus: Uh-huh.
Don: Georg's lookin' at the dropped keys. "So you want everybody to be able to get into our room?"
Vafrus: We're gonna take everything that's good, you know.
Tanam: It was on the way into the room. So I'm assuming-
Don: Oh, so they got dropped mostly inside the room.
Vafrus: Yeah, as I'm walking around the room, like, looking at stuff, I'm just, like, scattering keys around.
Don: Alright, I'm gonna subtly kick any key that's outside- or like on cusp outside room- inside the room.
Harmony: I'm going to pretend I'm cleaning the keys, but really I'm pocketing them.
Vafrus: Needed to give Urekas something to loot, you know. Oh, speaking of which, I turned to Allegory and they're like, "We're going to need a lot of sheets."
Tanam: "Of course. If you are needing anything else, uh, just call for me." And he bows and walks out and closes the door behind him.
Rozafeen: Great, I'm gonna unstealthily take the bell out, and then just double check direction now.
Tanam: Okay. The main room that you've come into is enormous. It's a common area with lots of couches and a big dining table and then you can see off to the sides, it leads to various other rooms on the other sides of doors.
The windows facing to the south are ceiling to floor. And, out through them, you can see beautiful views of the entire estate and off in the distance the forest. You hold up the bell and it shines out through the window. And if you're looking at the, let me get the map. Okay. Yeah. So you can see here on the map... okay. It's- Oh, sorry. You could probably have trouble seeing that. There we go by the racetrack there, it's kind of poking out. Okay. you know what? I should put a little... Here. I've got a thing I can do. I'm going to put this other thing up here against the map.
Don: You sure your glaze can handle this much technology there?
Tanam: Sorry. This is, this is- okay. here goes. It's pointing like that. Do you see this-?
Harmony: Yeahh.
Vafrus: Not into the- Oh, oh, no, directly into the forest. Okay.
Tanam: No but- but it, it, it is definitely, it goes across the spiral gardens. And there's a little village area. It eventually hits one of the buildings and nobody else can see this because it's quite a while to walk all the way over there, but with Hellena's enhanced Perception she can see that it is hitting the side of one of the cottages.
Don: Oh, so not like a wall in Shieldfort.
Tanam: No, no. There is a little hut in the village and it is shining on the wall of that hut.
Vafrus: We are within easy walking distance of the place where we've been trying to get to all this time. So, we're just gonna stay in this hotel for like a few days, tops.
Rozafeen: Yeah, the clear solution is to have breakfast at least four times...
Vafrus: Yeah, steal a bunch of sheets, make a little flying machine out of sheets and breakfast materials.
Don: And then we can jump off of the hotel-
Vafrus: Yeah!
Don: -fly down with our sheet flying machines.
Vafrus: And Allegory, who we're obviously taking with us now.
Don: I'm not sure I'm with you on that one, but, okay, I'll hear it out.
Vafrus: We gotta kidnap Allegory, priority number one.
Rozafeen: I'm willing to negotiate.
Vafrus: Okay. Can be priority number three. So, uh, yeah, yeah, that's what we'll get to, uh, next time, I guess.
Rozafeen: So in sum, this time we got a hotel room. I have to admit, this is a little bit my fault. Somebody else was willing to just follow the light and I was like, no, no, no, let's see the rooms. And here we are.
Don: This is what happens when we do sidequests.
Rozafeen: Side quests like dumping our stuff in the room, which I can't do...
Don: Yeah, that's what happens when you go on vacation. You check into the hotel, you're like, "oh, you know what, I'll take a nap." Three days later, you go, "Oh no, I'm never gonna get to do all the things I wanted. I had so many things planned."
Harmony: On the bright side, we made a friend!
Vafrus: Yes!
Don: Yeah, we're friends with the equivalent of a dining table. Maybe we can eat breakfast off of him.
Vafrus: Oh, we're gonna harass him so much. We'll get a rise out of him. You'll see. No dining table can withstand our power.
Don: Can we just call him new Beeb?
Rozafeen: I don't think he's going to be nearly as fun as Beeb. Beeb would get upset.
Don: Yeah, he's better Beeb.
Rozafeen: All right, well this has been great, but I need to get back to work.
Don: Have fun with your research. -
Vafrus: Don't worry guys. We're only like, 10 more sessions away from that hut that we can currently see.
Rozafeen: I don't suppose that the next time we play, we could start with, "Your walk to the hut was uneventful"? Boom.
Don: But what about breakfast?
Harmony: We can have breakfast to go.
Vafrus: Look at this map, we need to wreck every one of these buildings on the way.
Rozafeen: Light a couple on fire.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: They're covered with spiders. I would want someone to tell me.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: This is be the most meta session that we have done.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Spider forest for everybody!
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: What a random animal- What a rare creature.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: it's kind of like a "vhoop!"
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Double food. Oh my God.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Don: when we come back this way, we'll almost certainly be getting pursued by 17 giant spiders, so
Rozafeen: Are we gonna offer them lodgings at the hotel?
Harmony: I might be able to control their minds, then they can use all of their arms to help us loot.
Don: You know, creativity has no bounds.
Rozafeen: Thought you're gonna say it has no place in this campaign.
Vafrus: In your defense, I see now why you were really wanting us to go to the Green Gate. no, I can't have them encounter hotel. gonna take hours.
Rozafeen: did we end up at the Blue Gate?
Tanam: Oh, because there was a sign saying that guests go the other way. And so you guys went the way that was unlabeled.
Vafrus: Yeah cause we're not guests. We never, we never, we've never checked into the hotel. Even now, we're not guests. We're squatters.