The Intern: Hey! It's time for Coffee, Cults, and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern.
Did you guess that that last episode would be all about Urekas's cult meeting? Of course it was Urekas's cult meeting. Nothing non-culty happens at the bottom of bathtub stairs. This time we get to play everyone's favorite game, "How long does it take for this frigging group to get anywhere at all?"
The good slash bad news is that there's no beloved breakfast stops in Kloyal. Probably.
Enjoy the episode!
Tanam: Does anybody remember what happened last time?
Harmony: I got a lot of money.
Tanam: Which you're now carrying around via two followers?
Vafrus: hmm
Harmony: mm hmm, inconspicuously.
Don: I just like that it's you who got a lot of money.
Vafrus: yeah.
Don: Despite owing people a lot of money. Also where's my money?
Harmony: Oh, what I meant was we got a lot of money.
Vafrus: We all got a lot of money but Urekas needs it all right now.
Don: Does seem that she always needs all the money.
Harmony: I'll just-
Don: Despite carrying behind her, like, a giant bag of money.
Harmony: Okay, to be fair, I don't even know what's in it yet, so I will open it and disperse it when the time is right. Let's go.
Don: Oh, look at the time! I think it's the right time! I I just, it seems just right to me.
Tanam: Does, uh, Hellena have any interest in Urekas money?
Rozafeen: Mmm, she's biding her time.
Vafrus: Oh, she gonna get some of that money.
Harmony: I love that answer. You could, you two could learn some patience from Hellena.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Harmony: And I can teach you patience.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Harmony: In fact, I've been teaching you patience throughout our entire friendship.
Don: You've taught me nothing through our entire friendship.
Harmony: Which means you just need more patience. Let's keep walking.
Tanam: Okay. So, as you can tell from my fancy map...
Don: That's a pretty cool map, I've got to admit.
Vafrus: Yeah. We decided to cut through the farmland instead of going through Hunger West, right?
Tanam: Well, I don't know it was so much decided as in, I think there was a bad roll, maybe? And you were feeling hungry, and so the bad roll meant that you missed the place where you could get food?
Don: So is the farm doing super well? Like, there's like, some nice berries, or maybe some tomatoes...
Vafrus: Can we forage on private property while we're out here?
Don: You know, if you want to put it that way, sure, yeah, that, that.
Vafrus: Or maybe some poaching, is there like a chicken coop or something? What kind of farm is this? C'mon, Tanam!
Tanam: Uh, let's see, I didn't really do much reading on farming in the era. I know that they had collective farming for the settlement, but that's about it?
Vafrus: All right, I'm going to grab myself a big glob of nondescript food, and, uh, prepare it in some way that is customary for this food, and then eat it.
Tanam: Probably you should do some sort of check.
Vafrus: Uh-huh!
Tanam: Survival doesn't feel right...
Vafrus: I have famously good cooking skills, Tanam. What could go wrong?
Tanam: Or mostly I was just thinking about the first half of acquiring the food, maybe a mm, Stealth?
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: It's not Survival because it's a farm-
Vafrus: Where could it be?
Don: And that flower can be poisonous, or something. I don't know about farming.
Vafrus: I might accidentally steal something that's not food, that's hilarious. Alright, you said stealth, I'm going to take you up on that, because I'm good at that. So that's what I'm going to roll.
Tanam: okay
Vafrus: I got a 14.
Tanam: Nice. 14 should probably be good. Did we figure out what time of day it was? Is it night? You guys were at that meeting for a while.
Vafrus: it's whatever time the DM says it is
Tanam: Yeah. Yeah, I think you've been wandering long enough and you were at the, uh, what was it? Club? Club meeting?
Don: Cult. I think the word you're looking for is "cult."
Harmony: You are so jealous.
Don: Oh I'm sorry. I just know the difference between a club and a cult. A club, you hit things with, and the cult hits you.
Vafrus: if you tell us it's late, then that makes sense to me. But also we should probably not go to Ikomto Spiderland while, uh, it's dark.
Don: Well, aren't we heading the complete wrong direction for- aren't we heading north?
Tanam: No, you're heading south.
Don: We're heading south through the farmlands.
Tanam: Yeah, Here, I'll show you. I'll move the little-
Don: Nope, sorry, I was looking at the wrong farmlands, and the wrong dotted- I was looking at a dotted line instead of a, uh, squiggly.
Vafrus: Did you forget that the party is here? ha ha ha. It would be funnier if you could see where I'm pointing.
Don: a lot funnier, yeah.
Tanam: Yeah, it's, it's night, so-
Vafrus: Yeah. The scarecrows aren't watching so well.
Tanam: You're being stealthy and kind of sneaking down below hedgerows and stuff and managed to, gather enough things-
Vafrus: How many cabbages do I get?
Tanam: so, the question is, did you get things that need preparation, or that you can just put in your mouth? It feels like either a Wisdom roll or a Luck roll. Which would you prefer?
Vafrus: Calumn doesn't need Luck. He knows what to get and will rely on his negative two Wisdom every time. I rolled a two, for a total of zero.
Harmony: Is the farm on fire?
Tanam: Well, I know we're going to let so that the Stealth role is going to carry over. So, it's just that the haul, while enough to feed everybody, is exclusively things that require preparation. Okay. So do you, bring it back to the group after having-
Vafrus: Yeah
Tanam: okay. So you come back with, big old grin, carrying an armful of ready-to-eat food.
Vafrus: Thistleroot. That's the food that I found.
Tanam: So you come back to the party with an armful of thistleroot.
Don: If you boil it, it's great, but if you haven't boiled it, it will, it will hurt you.
Tanam: Yeah, you definitely have to prepare it.
Vafrus: I'm not stupid. I know you have to prepare thistleroot. So I'm gonna like put it out in the middle of dirt and cast- for the first time this campaign- Sacred Flame on it. That should about do it.
Harmony: Oh no.
Don: Are you sure it's not called "Scarred Flame"?
Vafrus: It gets- it gets a Dex save.
Tanam: What I'll put that as is: Does anybody try to stop him? And if you'd like to, then you can take the Dex save on behalf of the thistleroot.
Rozafeen: No, no.
Harmony: I mean, I could eat.
Don: I- I'm gonna need to roll a Survival check to see if I know what thistleroot is. I'm gonna take an eight as I do not.
Vafrus: This character is great. It, takes 13 points of Radiant damage. That should about cover it. And then, , whatever is left, I go ahead and take a bite. Feeling very proud of myself; I've learned from my previous cooking experience. Don't need salt. Salt, turns out, just things bad.
Tanam: Okay, so, I don't know the actual effects of Radiant damage on thistleroot-
Vafrus: Mm hmm. Probably cooks it perfectly, right?
Tanam: I feel like Hellena, as the resident nature person would know, and so I guess, I'll just go ahead and leave it up to you, Rozafeen. Is this no longer a bad idea to eat, whether or not it tastes good?
Rozafeen: I think it will taste like nothing and provide nothing but not poison everyone.
Tanam: haha ha
Don: Ya know, I recently grilled a pepper, uh, and you know, how you're supposed to, you know, let the skin on it flame up a little bit. Then you can peel it off and it's just a nice, delicious roasted pepper. Well, I grilled it into the point where it became mostly ashes. And I feel like that might be what you've done to this.
Vafrus: I did roll really high on my damage. It's 2d8, and I got a 7 and a 6. So I really nailed that thistleroot; I'm very proud of how much. Like, lesser, lesser thistleroot, you know, would not have survived. This might have been a lesser thistleroot, I don't know. Anyway. Yeah, I take a bite, what happens, DM? I will accept: my tongue is damaged and I can't talk anymore, that would be acceptable.
Tanam: yeah, how long do you give it?
Vafrus: Oh, I just hit it with the one spell, and then I eat it.
Tanam: Okay. Yeah, and this is Radiant damage.
Vafrus: Uh huh. Yeah, not fire-
Tanam: Not fire, so it's not hot anymore.
Vafrus: The- but the spell is called Sacred Flame-
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: So I feel fire's a little bit involved.
Tanam: Ugh.
Don: I mean, as our religious expert, uh, Urekas should probably weigh in, right?
Harmony: Yeah, I think that it's actually- it's not that you can't speak, but it does give you a fire accent, which you of course know how to do.
Vafrus: Uh huh, of course, from now on I will do a fire accent. " It's really good. You should try it."
Harmony: yeah that sounds fire to me, I believe it.
Tanam: Okay. Excellent.
Vafrus: Alright. Can I make a Deception check to try and convince the group that my cooking is good?
Tanam: Go ahead.
Don: Is, uh, is this a contested roll?
Tanam: well, let's see what, what he says, and then you can decide if you wanna-
Vafrus: I would accept disadvantage considering everything else that's been happening, but my first roll, my first roll was a 2. uh, my, my Deception is 8, so that's a total of 10.
Tanam: Yeah, I feel like, unless you get a critical failure,
Vafrus: " I'm not gonna share because it's so good. I want it all for me."
Harmony: How. Rude.
Vafrus: You will never know the majesty of sacred thistleroot.
Rozafeen: Oh no. I am so jealous.
Don: Yeah. Also super, duper jealous.
Vafrus: As I'm, like, picking thorns out of my tongue.
Harmony: I'm gonna save some in my pocket.
Vafrus: Oh no. Urekas asks for some anyway. I can't deny.
Tanam: Gotta keep that Deception going.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Tanam: That great Deception that you got...
Vafrus: Oh yeah.
Harmony: Thank you. I'll think of you when I have this later.
Don: I think I'm gonna forage my own food.
Tanam: Okay, roll a Stealth check.
Don: Somehow that turned out okay. Oh, no, wait, I think I have Disadvantage.
Tanam: Oh, because of the armor.
Don: Alright, that's a six.
Tanam: Ooh, Bad, but not catastrophic.
Don: that's actually how I like to describe myself, thank you.
Tanam: I think you're clanking along through one of the rows, and- this is probably the first time that Georg has stolen food out of a field, right?
Don: I mean, yeah, probably. I'm not- this is not a normal thing. I generally carry a lot of food on me, but I was hungry recently.
Tanam: So, there's maybe a little bit of guilt about what he's doing, and he is trying to be stealthy, but sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak, as he's done in the past and it's like, you're CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO and he gets to a berry patch and, there's a young woman there, with a basket, and she's walking down the row, harvesting berries.
Don: Oh, I pretend to be the berry bush, obviously.
Tanam: And, she looks at you and-
Don: "Yugajala. Nothing to see here," I say. Out loud.
Tanam: She takes a second. " You're- You're not from here, right?"
Don: Ah, what- I'm just a berry bush? Obviously, I'm right here.
Tanam: " Because berry bushes aren't mobile?"
Don: at this point I- I realize I'm probably not fooling anyone. Yeah, no. Not from here.
Tanam: "Are you hungry?"
Don: Yeah, a bit.
Tanam: She looks around conspiratorially and reaches into her basket and hands you a handful of berries.
Don: Oh, you're- you're the best. And I give her, uh, I give her a gold piece.
Tanam: Haha! haha!
Don: I just didn't see anyone around, and it seemed awkward to, like, go up to the farm and ask, "Can I have your food?" So I thought I would, this is really awkward for me and I'm really sorry, I'm just, is just very awkward and I wish I didn't do that, that's a really mean thing to do, that's horrible of me, so please- please have it.
Vafrus: I love that this farm has berry bushes, and I probably snuck past them to go get my thistleroot.
Harmony: Well, the thistles look a lot like berries. The berries are pointy
Tanam: She just blinks at you, looks around, drops the coin into her pocket and, says, " Doesn't seem so awkward to me. Have a good night!" And just heads back down the road picking berries.
Harmony: I do a quick change into my dress that's made out of breakfast.
Tanam: Now wait, okay.
Rozafeen: What?
Don: You do have to prepare these beforehand, right?
Harmony: Yeah, imagine just like a really big pancake. My head's in the middle, and there's holes for my arms. And then I can eat it while walking.
Don: Is this what happens if you upcast Goodberry at ninth level?
Vafrus: Tanam, I petition that it be allowed on the grounds that it changes nothing and it's kind of hot.
Tanam: You mean like temperature of the pancake?
Vafrus: Mm hmm. That's exactly what I meant. Yep.
Tanam: Okay. Okay. We did not negotiate this previously, but what I will say is that for an outfit that has the effects of a spell like that, one spell slot use as well.
Harmony: Worth it.
Don: She's cast Intern's Feast. With a dress?
Harmony: If anyone wants some, you can have my sleeves.
Vafrus: aaaaawwwwww
Tanam: Wait, pancake sleeves?
Harmony: Yeah, You know, sleeves that go over your arms?
Tanam: Yes, I understand, but like, how do they work in relationship to the pancake?
Vafrus: I would like some please.
Harmony: You just take a bite, like, not out of my arm, but on the clothing that's a pancake.
Tanam: Is it like a big circular pancake? And like, your hands are poking out the sides?
Harmony: Yeah, my hands start poking out the sides. So, no, you're right, come to think of it, in terms of physics, you would want to be eating the bottom.
Vafrus: I imagined the pancake is the cloth of the outfit, you know, it's sort of like a flat, fibrous material, and it's like wrapped around everything.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay, so it's not pancake shaped?
Harmony: No.
Tanam: It is composed of pancake.
Harmony: Exactly.
Don: Imagine if you poured pancake batter all over yourself and then cooked yourself.
Vafrus: Imagine if you spent many hours cooking and sewing together a pancake outfit so that you could present it to Urekas in case she showed up at your cult meeting then you gave it to her so that she could have a snack on the way to somewhere.
Harmony: I have the best friends.
Vafrus: They make a pancake dress every day, just in case.
Don: I like you make this somehow sound plausible.
Vafrus: " If you're offering, I would like some, not because my dinner was insufficient, I'm pretty full, but, uh, yes please."
Harmony: Oh, be my guest.
Don: As I walk back by, I grab off a little chunk of pancake, you know, about a pancake sized one, and I put some berries on top of it, glare at Urekas, and eat it.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Don: mrumgn
Tanam: Do you have some particularly thick coffee that you could use as a syrup?
Don: I mean of course.
Vafrus: You know that sugar coffee that he's got? There's a whole button for it.
Don: What do you think I use to cast web?
Tanam: What is Hellena eating?
Don: Oh, I'll give Hellena some berries.
Tanam: And Justice, for that matter.
Rozafeen: I think considering it hasn't been all that many days since this whole business started, Hellena's probably got rations.
Don: "Oh, I came prepared. uhahwhaha. I'm a real adventurer!"
Tanam: I think you have a fifty per- oh no, wait, you were the one who was dividing up the bags. So would you have definitely kept your own rations?
Vafrus: Roll for rations!
Rozafeen: Oh, man... It's been so long since we've played that day that I don't actually remember whether my bag was subject to the roll thing or not.
Tanam: So, like, in the fiction, it would make sense, but you were rushed...
Rozafeen: Yeah, like, logic wise, it would make sense either way, and I don't remember what we actually decided on the day.
Tanam: Okay, I think just for fairness, maybe, since you had combined a lot of the stuff, that you were just like, "rations, okay, I don't know, throw it in." With a 50 percent chance.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Don: I do love the idea that we also ransacked the Sorceress's ice box.
Rozafeen: I accidentally rolled, two die instead of one, and one was a one, and one was a twenty.
Vafrus: Wowwwww
Rozafeen: How about there's rations for Justice, but I have to go hungry.
Harmony: Aww!
Vafrus: You're like, "oh, yeah, I packed rations and it's all raw meat."
Tanam: That sounds about right, because you were super careful when you were doing the thing of like, oh, that's raw meat, that's definitely for Justice. So is Hellena rooting through her bag cursing?
Rozafeen: No, no, very stoic.
Tanam: Okay, okay, okay,
Harmony: gosh, you must not need any of my dress. Okay!
Vafrus: She's not gonna admit that she's hungry; that would be a weakness!
Rozafeen: Ha. All right, so what this situation calls for, which could be said of almost any situation, is me with a icy beverage. So I snap my fingers and do that. I don't have to snap my fingers, I just choose to.
Vafrus: feels appropriate.
Tanam: Are y'all planning on setting up in the farmlands for the night?
Vafrus: We should probably walk to somewhere that's civilized, but it would be pretty funny if we're like nope, we're going to pitch a tent right here. But no, we're literally in a city. We'll walk to somewhere where they take money and give us accommodations.
Don: I mean are we still in the city? These are fields!
Tanam: If you look at the map, right over here...
Don: Oh, I see the map. I can see your other glaze.
Tanam: Okay, so, as you can see, the party is down here at the base of the farmlands there. And, that spot, it kind of intrudes on Anxiety North, but this part of it is completely surrounded by houses and stuff.
Don: No, I just want to reiterate, so Georg, uh, he does not spend much time in the wilderness, so in character he is very, what's the, helpless. He's helpless
Vafrus: This city is apparently just wilderness. All the things- they've got a catapult field, one cult house, and farms. That's all that's here.
Don: It feels like it. And weird, weird architecture.
Vafrus: There's also this great place called Icky's that we should try out.
Tanam: It's not called Icky's, yet.
Don: The place soon to be referred to as Icky's.
Tanam: I mean, it depends on how you define "soon."
Don: The place that in several hundred years maybe referred to Icky's, colloquially, but it's still not even called that. Fine. I fixed it.
Harmony: Yeah, we could go south a little bit.
Vafrus: yeah.
Harmony: Maybe not quite up the Wanderlust Belt West, but in the middle of that and the farmlands?
Vafrus: yeah, let's, let's try to find, you know, a better place to sleep than a literal farm.
Don: So uh, actually, I I didn't really I I might have forgotten this from a previous session. Do we have an actual map in character, or are we just...
Vafrus: Oh yeah, do we have any idea where we're going?
Don: Yeah. Like, do we know where we are?
Vafrus: We have a coffee mug that points a beam of light, that's what we've got.
Don: That's what I've been using for navigation
Tanam: No it's a bell; it's a bell.
Vafrus: Oh, a bell, a bell, sorry.
Don: The coffee mug was, uh, was Featherfall, I think?
Vafrus: Yeah, I've confused it with the Featherfall mug.
Don: Or some form of, " don't freaking die when you drop like a rock."
Vafrus: Alright, yeah, you're right, we have no map, so, we don't know what's to the south of us. Maybe the farm goes on forever. I still don't want to stay here. I'm gonna trudge on.
Harmony: Yeah, let's keep walking.
Tanam: Let's see. So, Urekas has been here before. Hellena has been here before? Question mark?
Rozafeen: Oh, certainly.
Tanam: Maybe urekas and Hellena give me Survival checks to see how well you remember the geography. Urekas?
Harmony: Nine.
Tanam: Okay. And Hellena?
Rozafeen: Oh, that is pretty good. Let me double check the old stats. Twenty two.
Tanam: Okay. Rozafeen, you can look at the map, and Hellena knows all of that. Urekas...
Harmony: yeah, what do I see when I look at the map?
Tanam: mnnmnn...
Don: You can look at the map, too, you just have to close your eyes first.
Tanam: Yeah, no, I think, you know, basically, that there are farmlands embedded in the city. And you didn't roll badly enough that you are severely misinformed.
Harmony: Yeah, I'm just gonna say, "Yeah, I'm really tired. Everyone listen to Hellena."
Rozafeen: How kind of you.
Vafrus: I cede the floor.
Tanam: So, you are currently coming out of the farmlands and heading into Anxiety North; most of the stuff is just going to be housing. The place where you are most likely to actually find inns is down in the Wanderlust Belt because that's where people are going to be coming in through the Bridge Road. You had a sufficiently good Survival roll that you might be able to find something poking around in Anxiety North-
Rozafeen: I mean, I would just as soon camp, but these softies clearly need an inn.
Tanam: then the Wanderlust Belt would be the place to go.
Rozafeen: we're going to find inn at the Wanderlust.
Don: Thank you.
Harmony: Thank you.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: And maybe there's some food there.
Vafrus: Hmm.
Tanam: You pass through Anxiety North, it's twisting streets, not much actual planning involved in those, but with Hellena's excellent sense of direction and memory of the city, you make it down to the Wanderlust Belt.
Vafrus: Wow, all of these houses look completely normal. I didn't realize there were so many cultists here.
Harmony: You have much to learn. Is it rude if we go inside one of the inns and I'm wearing my pancake dress because they want us to eat their food?
Vafrus: Partially eaten pancake dress, no less.
Tanam: Yeah, I guess it depends on how much of it's eaten.
Harmony: Yeah, I'm comfortable with: someone ate one of my sleeves-
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: -and the other ate... a little bit on the bottom.
Tanam: Like on the hem?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah. Because it was kind of long.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I'm so excited when we get to the Bridge Road, cause I know that one of my favorite people ever, Tagak, is on the Bridge Road, coming this way. And it's completely straight, so I'll just stand and, like, look really hard to the west to try to see. No magic, I'll just squint and be like, Oh, Tagak, are you out there? Just...
Tanam: Okay, so as, as as Ruffort is standing in the middle of the Bridge Road, looking off into the distance- are you saying it loud enough that everybody else hears?
Vafrus: Yeah!
Tanam: Okay. So I guess poll of everybody, what do you do in response to that?
Harmony: I start stress-eating my dress.
Vafrus: Happens to us all, you know?
Don: I look at Ruffort in a way that's more, "What are you talking about?" And then I look towards where Ruffort is looking because I want to know if-
Vafrus: Because if I, If I'd see someone, you know, won't you seem dumb?
Don: Yeah exactly. So like I'm like, "was it the thistles or am I the crazy one? I had some berries."
Tanam: And some pancake.
Don: Well yeah...
Tanam: And some special coffee. Coffee web. And, Hellena?
Rozafeen: What do I see when I look that same direction?
Tanam: You can see very far, because you have your goggles, right?
Rozafeen: Mm-hmm.
Vafrus: It's just a straight road into the desert, right?
Tanam: Yeah, well, I mean, there's various inns along the way. But it goes for quite some time. Roll me a visual Perception check.
Rozafeen: Okay, That is also a 22.
Tanam: You see, off in the distance- like, way up above the ground- two small shapes that you can't quite make out, considering how far they are. However, they do seem to be getting bigger.
Vafrus: She, she actually spots them.
Don: This is perfect.
Vafrus: Ohhh this is amazing
Rozafeen: I think I either see our friends or a couple of lizards.
Don: Don't say "lizards."
Harmony: Where? Where?
Vafrus: I mean, there's probably hundreds of people on this road every day, right? Like it's, it's, it's a big, but yeah, no, it's definitely them.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: When, when, when, she says that I'm going to pretend I see them too. I'm like, "Yeah! There they are!"
Tanam: Now, they are- the two figures are getting, bigger. They are two... bubbles- you are realizing- that are flying through the sky, and, as they get closer, you can actually see that, yes, it is, in fact, Tagak and Teep flying through the sky at an incredible rate, contained within bubbles, flying... Right. At. You.
Vafrus: DM, I just rolled a Perception check and I rolled a 19 for a total of 17. I've got, I've got a class feature that lets me add a d4 to it if I think it's important, and I do. So that bumps it to a dirty 20. Can I have seen them too?
Tanam: After pretending for several seconds that you can.
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah, I'm like I'm, I'm- I feel really dumb. I'm like, of course there's no, oh my, what an idiot I am. And I'm like, no, wait. Oh, oh, As I said, there they are!
Rozafeen: So maybe we should duck?
Tanam: so,
Vafrus: I'm going to wave.
Tanam: And give me a, a, a Dexterity saving throw, please?
Don: Could I ready a gentle nope?
Tanam: ahhhm. you can. Although, you're- do you believe Hellena when she says that they're coming?
Don: Yeah, I mean, I believe anything Hellena says, obviously.
Tanam: Okay. Awawaahh. That's fair.
Don: It's Urekas and Ruffort that I don't believe.
Harmony: I can hear you.
Vafrus: Uhhh, I got, I got a 12 on my Dex save.
Rozafeen: Oh no, I didn't roll very well. Are you sure it's Dexterity or is it Reflex?
Tanam: I was, mostly just looking for Ruffort, because he's the one standing out in the middle of the road.
Vafrus: Also like waving both my arms being like, "Hey!"
Tanam: I think with the fact that you perceived it so well,
Rozafeen: Yeah, I ducked.
Tanam: I think Ruffort realizes, as they are getting close, that they are in fact heading, like, right at him. And that if he doesn't move, they're gonna hit him.
Vafrus: How rude.
Tanam: So, he can, if he wants, can do a very cool, like, move out of the way at the last second.
Vafrus: Ahh! Oh yeah, oh yeah!. If I can be cool about it, for sure.
Tanam: Okay, so you're there waving until the last possible second- at which point you...
Vafrus: as they blast by me at blinding speed, I'm gonna be like, "Took you long enough, slowpokes!"
Tanam: They hit the ground before they get to you.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: And then bounce-
Vafrus: Oh no!
Tanam: - and then, land, and then bounce again, and then are rolling, and, like a combination of rolling and sliding and scraping against the cobblestones that are here at this point.
Don: Oh, that sounds really painful.
Tanam: Well, I mean, they're in bubbles, so you don't know the situation with that, but-
Vafrus: Does it look like they're in trouble? Cause actually, I might not dodge then. Like, is it, how, how, how does this look?
Tanam: There's enough- they're coming in with enough momentum that, uh, you do not want to be in front of that. Unless you've got something to slow it down. But they seem to have finished bouncing and they're coming like across the ground towards you. the sound of the bubbles scraping on the cobblestones, you can hear, " Ahh ah! ahhhh!"
Vafrus: Oh. Okay. I- I fully believe that they are in danger now, and somehow, it's my fault, I've summoned them by like looking at them or something I don't know. And this is kind of new for me, but I gotta, I gotta stand up for my friends. So I, I'm going to try to dive into one of those bubbles to save them.
Rozafeen: Ohhh noo!
Tanam: That seems good place to land it. As it were.
Vafrus: Don't worry, I have a plan. As usual, it's not a good plan, but it's a plan.
Harmony: It's the only plan he has.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Is the farm on fire?
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Also where's my money?
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Mmm, she's biding her time.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: It Would be funnier if you could see where I'm pointing.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Yeah, I don't think stars aligning is a thing.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Tanam: they seem to have finished bouncing and they're coming like Across the ground towards you and as they get closer you can above the scraping of the the balls on the cobblestone on the above the scraping of the bubble sounds- I'm sorry. Above the sound of the bubbles scraping on the cobblestones-