The Intern: Welcome back to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, the Intern.
Guess what time it is?
If you guessed "more voicemails from the Intern's boss time," you're right!
The Boss: Hey, Intern, it's me.
I'm not saying this as your boss, uh, but, but as your friend and also let's
say as a human being with common sense.
Stop including the stuff about the freaky spider cafe.
Seriously!
It's weird as hell and you're not doing yourself or the experiment
world any favors by reminding people that Ikky's exists in there.
The Intern: So you heard the man; no more Ikky's content, I guess.
I know that some of you are going to be horribly disappointed.
Last time, in addition to the now censored discussion of, you know what,
the crew arrived at a weird place with a bunch of people gathered in the basement
at the bottom of some bathtub stairs.
Urekas led them all there, so take a guess what that means.
Tanam: Last time you had gotten into a extremely normal on the top
house, that looked from the outside extremely normal, and even from the
inside looked extremely normal, uh, until you got to the bathroom, where-
Vafrus: Worst.
Tub.
Ever.
Tanam: Yeah, there were stairs leading down into the basement, which
was decidedly not normal looking.
It no longer seems to be trying to keep up appearances of, like, "this is a
normal house, there is nothing to see."
Harmony: Yeah, I thought it was weird too, because the bathroom
didn't have any pictures of me.
Tanam: Yeah, that did make it stand out.
Harmony: Yeah, because a lot of bathrooms will have motivational
quotes like, "You're beautiful!" but a picture of me, and this one didn't.
" Tanam: Urekas is beautiful!" "Urekas can do it!"
Harmony: Uh huh,
Tanam: "Hang in there, Urekas!"
Harmony: Picture of me on a wire.
Yeah, I thought it was just so odd that none of those existed,
so I'm glad we went down.
Tanam: Yes, and then Ruffort threw out the doors, and
there's a bunch of people there.
And I believe that Smart Jimmy did a backflip.
Harmony: Mmm-hm.
Tanam: And I think there was witty things said.
Vafrus: Yep, and I, I remembered too late that I could have
said, "the party is here!"
Harmony: Nope, instead it was a I'm here, but you know, I'm the party.
Vafrus: I don't think I've mentioned Urekas.
I think, I think this is, as far as I can tell, this is my house, right?
So I'm, so yeah, crowd of people.
Tanam: Crowd of people and they are staring at you.
But when Urekas walks forward and says whatever witty thing it was, and Smart
Jimmy did a flip, everyone starts, like- oh, that's an interesting question.
Harmony, is there a greeting for Urekas?
Harmony: Yeah, everyone says, "Hooray!" and then lifts me up on their
shoulders and I crowd surf in three circles that are counterclockwise.
Don: Are we supposed to know this?
Tanam: Well, it happens.
Don: I mean, yeah, definitely, we know it now.
Well, we know something...
Tanam: Oh, are you- is this what you should have been doing?
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: Well, I mean, you know, "should" is such a slippery concept.
Don: That's a slippery concept.
Rozafeen: You're a slippery concept.
Don: Yer face is a slippery concept.
Vafrus: Calumn will fully believe everybody is cheering for him,
specifically, all the way up until they lift Urekas up onto their shoulders.
Tanam: it is a bit of a low ceiling.
So, well, I guess go ahead and roll me a Dex save.
Vafrus: Me or Urekas?
Tanam: Urekas.
Harmony: I got a four.
Tanam: A four; that's not good.
Harmony: Does the circle go clockwise instead of counterclockwise?
Because that'd be a disaster.
Tanam: No, the ceiling is shorter than it is in most of these types of places.
And you bonk your head a bit, taking one damage.
Harmony: Awww.
Vafrus: They didn't get a tall enough ceiling at the Urekas house?
Harmony: What about Jimmy?
Tanam: Smart Jimmy is also crowdsurfing, let me see how he does.
Oh, he's fine.
He gets off of your shoulder before your shoulder impacts the ceiling.
Harmony: Smart.
Don: Probably does another backflip.
Tanam: backflips off.
It's very impressive, but you're too busy hitting your head to notice.
Harmony: Aww.
Tanam: But you're okay.
Just one damage.
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: Oh no!
These people are attacking Urekas!
We have to defend her!
Tanam: I just rolled for the crowd and they did not notice
that they bumped your head.
Harmony: What?
Wow.
Okay.
I thought we were friends.
Vafrus: Say the word Urekas, we can kill them all.
Tanam: Ehhhh?
Vafrus: I think we can take them.
These people can't even notice when they bonk Urekas on the head.
Don: Speaking of bonking Urekas in the head, is that just part of the deal?
Because I could also bonk Urekas in the head.
Vafrus: Ah, this is how we worship Urekas, okay.
Harmony: How dare you.
Don: Needs a customary bonk.
Harmony: I'm glowering at you.
Tanam: cause you know that he's thinking this.
Harmony: Uh-huh.
I'm wearing the helm, right?
Don: Oh, that's fair; it's a very surface thought.
It it right in the surface.
Harmony: You're thinking, "This is right in the surface," as well.
I know you want me to know this.
Don: Okay, maybe that's a little far, but pretty close.
Tanam: Maybe that's why it was only one damage, because you were wearing the helm.
ha ha.
So it would have been worse had you not been wearing the helmet.
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Don: I'm glad that helmet protects you from ceilings.
Harmony: Uh huh.
Tanam: So, eventually they do the three counterclockwise...
Is that, or was it clockwise?
Harmony: Yeah, counterclockwise.
Tanam: Counterclockwise, around the sizable room.
And set you down- So, everybody else is still kind of at the edge of the crowd.
There's only 38 people here, but that's still enough that
Urekas has been lifted up.
She has gone around three times and then has been deposited softly-
and with considerable more softness than she was lifted in the first
place- deposited in the center of the circle of thirty eight people.
And they are not looking at you all.
Everyone's facing inward, looking at Urekas.
Vafrus: I awkwardly put my arms down from expecting them to pick me up too
uh, just pretend like that didn't happen.
Harmony: You're just acting like you're stretching.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Uh.
Tanam: Huh it's like that, that like, at the theater stretch,
you know, with the date.
Okay, arm.
Oh, wait.
Nope.
It's fine.
I'm just stretching.
Vafrus: Yep, exactly like that.
That's
Tanam: how it happens.
Vafrus: Having, having failed my goal.
I just put my arm around Rozafeen instead.
No, I'm kidding.
Rozafeen: Nope.
Vafrus: Aaaaannnd Justice bites my fingers off.
All right.
Tanam: Oh man, it's gonna be hard to do the somatic parts of the
spells without those fingers.
Vafrus: no.
All right.
No, no, just put my arms down.
That's all.
Tanam: It has gotten extremely quiet, and everyone is staring attentively at Urekas.
Harmony: I go, "Hello everybody. This is what good is."
Tanam: "This is what good is," everyone says.
Rozafeen: This is what creepy is.
Don: Everybody saying the same stuff as Urekas and picking her up?
This is weird.
Tanam: Ruffort does recognize the greeting.
Did Calumn go to enough meetings that he automatically says the greeting back?
Vafrus: Would I be programmed?
I mean, probably not.
I was the most junior of low ranked members, right?
And we never had a visit from Urekas, herself.
Tanam: Ohhh, that's right.
Vafrus: And so, maybe I'm, like, vaguely familiar with the stuff that's supposed to
happen in this circumstance, but I don't think it would have been drilled into me.
Tanam: Yep.
That makes sense.
They all say it and continue to look expectantly at you.
Harmony: Okay.
I proclaim, "Death is like a mirror, in which the true meaning of life is
reflected. Now, where is my money?"
Vafrus: I begin repeating it all.
Cause I've now understand how we're doing.
"Death is like a mirror which the true meaning of life is
reflected now where is my money?"
Tanam: So, after you say the first part of the wisdom, there's
a collective sigh of like, "oh!
Yeah..." and then with the, "Where is my money?" one person stands out
in front and bows so low- kicks their leg out back, bends their knee super
low, and actually, touches their forehead to the floor in front of you.
And they actually manage to do it!
They pull it off!
Harmony: Nice, nice.
Tanam: And you can see everybody holding their breath a little bit.
And the person says, "We have- uh, we have the money, oh Urekas!" and
holds out two hands and points to two people who scurry off into the back.
You can hear some rummaging sounds and, like, there's stuff moving.
Very clearly they've got this stuff buried in the back because it's been a while.
Everyone kind of stands around awkwardly, acting like this is not taking too long.
Harmony: How about, could I encourage them to maybe sing like a nice
chorus kind of thing, like a "da da da" while this is happening?
Oh, um, I raise my hand kind of like a conductor, you know, and
I just start conducting people.
Tanam: Oh yeah, and they know exactly what you mean.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Let's see how good of a singers- They're okay.
They're fine.
It's not unpleasant.
They sing the song, "da, da, da," yeah.
Luckily it's designed well to loop.
And so they, start over again.
A couple of them don't quite get the transition; like, some of them
get the transition pretty good, but-
Don: What with it being three notes, they manage?
Tanam: well, there's, there's more notes, I'm, thought, I thought you would all be
proud of me for not having gotten a period accurate music for the time, this time.
Rozafeen: No, actually I'm disappointed.
Vafrus: You found one though, didn't you?
You have in your mind the one you wanted to buy.
Rozafeen: Feel like you're getting sloppy and cheap on us.
Don: Or you're out of money from that third glaze that you bought.
Tanam: I did not buy a third glaze.
Don: Surrrrrrrre.
You're saving it for a surprise, then, huh?
Tanam: Oh yeah, that time when we need two maps.
Vafrus: So Calumn is probably reliving some stuff with like the
music and the chanting and the... and he doesn't like that at all.
So he's got to do some coping behavior, which for him means stealing.
Uh, I'm going to just use Mage Hand, steal from anyone, anything that I can see.
you know, even if there's nothing of value, I'm going
to find something to take.
Tanam: I guess, roll first for- oh, this is interesting- are you just reaching
into people's pockets with Mage Hand?
Vafrus: Sure!
Yeah.
No, I will, all of my, you know, skill to try to get something good, but if I
find anything, yeah, I'll just, you know-
Tanam: I love this idea of, of, yeah, okay, yeah, I was gonna have you
roll, like a luck roll to see if you if you could see anything good, but I
like this idea of rolling the Stealth first, and then we'll let that decide.
Vafrus: okay.
This seems fine.
What could go wrong?
Probably nothing.
Also I cast a spell.
Do you want me to do the spell?
Alright, so we're at 3 weirdness.
I rolled a 6, so still good.
and then Stealth is a nat 1.
I'm getting a lot of nat 1s lately.
Tanam: So, this is maximally bad.
Vafrus: The moment Urekas like turns to introduce me to the group, I'm,
like, elbow deep into somebody's cloak.
There's a spotlight now for some reason.
Harmony: Music stops.
Tanam: So the music's going, and you see someone has a satchel that they're
wearing behind them, and they're kind of near the back so there's no one,
looking at the satchel, and you send the mage hand over there to- maybe like
pulling things out and showing you?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
Tanam: putting them back Like you're
Vafrus: looking at me.
They're all looking at Urekas.
I don't have to sneak.
I'm, I'm pulling stuff out.
Tanam: You know, pull out one item at a time and like this one, uh, this one
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: The mage hand, slips a bit putting something
back, it was a handheld gong?
Vafrus: damn, I dropped the gong.
Tanam: The Mage Hand tries to put it back in it like, doesn't quite align right.
The bag kind of closed a bit and the gong just, slams down onto the
ground, from the back the crowd, right?
They're on their third iteration of- you could still hear the,
like, rummaging in the back of them trying to get the money together.
And there's, yeah, there's just this- Everyone looks at
the person whose gong it is.
Vafrus: I will do the same.
I'll be, like, "What is wrong with you?"
Harmony: Okay, I'm wearing my helm, so I'm looking at you.
Vafrus: It's okay.
right now it's the, the crowd is the is the one I'm trying to convince.
Don: I mean, isn't everyone looking at you, though?
Tanam: well, no, they're all looking at the,
Don: the gong, I guess,
Vafrus: gong, man rolled the gong at the wrong time.
Don't you know the gong is at the end of the ceremony?
I begin, like, berating him over it.
Harmony: You just start yelling, "Boo! Boo!"
Tanam: So yeah, the person who still has their arms up, after having indicated the
people who should go get the thing, kept their arms up through this whole process,
through three iterations of the song.
Stares daggers at the person whose gong it was.
Vafrus: That's gonna be a demerit for sure.
Tanam: and says "Topshan, it's not gong time yet." and, Topshan gets
really- you know- folds in on herself.
Harmony: Awwww.
Tanam: It's like, "I, I, I didn't, I didn't mean," and picks up the
gong and starts like trying to put it back into her satchel.
And it's just like making more noise, like, as the, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
Don: Georg use a reaction at this point?
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I'd like to use Nope on Takshan.
So it will push Takshan to the wall.
And I'll be gentle with it.
And I'll take the gong and carefully hand it to Ruffort and say, "I
think you need to handle this."
Harmony: What?
Tanam: Okay, so you're doing a gentle nope.
Don: gentle nope.
Yeah, I'm being very- I assume I can control the speed at which I Nope?
Didn't knock the person out against the wall?
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: Thanks.
Harmony: This makes me so nervous.
Georg, can you make her a cup of coffee?
Don: Uh, an apology cup of coffee?
I feel like she's the one that needs to apologize for messing up the gonging.
Rozafeen: Why are you so invested in the gonging?
Don: Look-
Vafrus: He's participating, okay?
Don: You can't just drop a gong in the middle of a ceremony!
That's messed up!
Harmony: Wait, since when do you care about how my ceremonies go?
Don: I care when people drop a gong in the middle of it and I have to listen to it.
It was bad enough to listen to the singin- I mean, um, MMMM!
Harmony: Georg, do me a favor; make 38 cups of coffee.
39, including me.
Actually, does anyone else want a coffee?
I, I just, uh, my eyes, you know, I bat my eyes, I smile, but there's
like a threat behind the smile.
Tanam: You bat your daggers.
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Vafrus: Tanam, may I add a miniature gong to my inventory?
Tanam: Yep.
Put it in next to the gold- No, wait, the gold plates went back, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, no, I don't have anything of value.
Also everything that I think I might have, there's still a chance that I don't.
Tanam: yeah.
Vafrus: But this one's real.
Tanam: This one is definitely there, you can mark it as such.
Harmony: I'm noticing a hesitation from Georg, so I go up to him
and I whisper, "Make these coffees, I will make you rich."
Don: How rich- You know what?
Fine, I'm making coffees.
At least I have something useful to do and I don't have to listen to your gonging.
Tanam: As this is happening, the two people who were sent off to the back
room come out with two very large bags that are, very clearly, very heavy.
And they walk up to each side of the person who's still holding their
hands up in the air, and who, with a look of a relief, finally lowers the
hands, and, palms outstretched, pushes them out towards Urekas, where she's
standing over with Georg, and the two bag carriers head over to Urekas.
They both try to do the bow, and, like, fall over forwards.
Because the bags are heavy.
And they both, uh, let's see, do they recover at all?
Yeah, they both recover.
So it doesn't look too embarrassing.
And then they bow their heads, and put their hands out in, like,
palms up, and back up slowly.
And stand back next to the, uh, the person who was leading the thing.
Harmony: Well, thank you.
Death smiles at us all, and all we can do is smile back.
Tanam: "Ahhhh."
Vafrus: I begin repeating it.
Then I end it with, "and where's my money?"
Rozafeen: I kick him.
Don: I sorta edge over towards Rozafeen and I, and I go like, "Did you know
that this was a weirdly, like, death specific cult? Because I didn't know
that was the kind of cult Urekas ran."
Rozafeen: I think death is just the flavor of the minute.
Don: I thought coffee was the flavor of the minute- I'm making it right now.
Harmony: Hey how are how are those coffees coming along?
Don: They're coming along great, Urekas.
I'm making 37.
Of.
Them.
Harmony: No, no.
You're making 39.
Don: Yes!
I will add an extra two.
Tanam: A couple of the followers that came in with you- that weren't here before-
ran to the circle as, as the whole thing started, but they also raised their hands.
Don: Making.
Forty.
One.
Of.
Them.
Harmony: And since the bags are so heavy, I'm going to, um, give
them to the followers to hold.
Tanam: Okay, do you pick them up,
Harmony: Nooo.
Tanam: Just kind of indicate them?
Harmony: Yeah, I just kind of like make eye contact and make my eyes really wide
and then kind of look down at the bags.
So they know.
Rozafeen: I look at Urekas and I say, sooo, and I look at the bags of money.
Harmony: I go, yeah, death, right?
Don: Really interesting proverb.
Rozafeen: No, I was thinking more of like two or three minutes ago
with the "where's my money" theme.
Harmony: Mmm yeah, that's why I was trying to explain to them like the
entire time because, um, you, you'll, you're smart enough to understand this.
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
And we have great relationship.
I like our friendship.
Everyone, don't we have a great friendship?
Um, and then they do like a really happy song.
Tanam: Okay, yeah, the song starts and it's it's it's, it's, pretty loud.
And there's lots of dancing around and performative hugging, like not,
they're not unhappy about it, but it's not like, long term friends hugs,
they're like, very, like, formal.
Formal hugs.
Harmony: Yeah, well it's the kind of hug you would do like
during like a dance number.
Vafrus: Deflecting dance number.
That's a bard ability if I ever heard one.
In order to not continue this conversation, make all the people
around you burst into a dance number.
Tanam: So yeah, that's happening.
Don: Lovely.
Harmony: Alright.
How are the coffees coming along?
Don: How many coffees have I made by this point?
Tanam: do you want to roll 2d20?
Don: Oh, wow.
I'm pretty fast.
I've made 29 coffees.
Tanam: Wow!
Okay, are you handing them out as they finish?
Don: Yeah.
What am I, what else am I gonna do?
Harmony: Uh, actually no, I want to be the one handing them out.
Don: Fffffiiinnne.
I'm handing them to Urekas as I've been corrected to do.
Tanam: Was there a moment where you start to hand it to somebody?
What happens?
Don: Yeah.
The first one I go to hand it to somebody.
And-
Harmony: And, I go, "Well, hold up, hold up, let me bless it first." So,
I take it and then I look at it and I smile and I do like a meditation
of life and hand it to the friend.
Vafrus: I thought you were gonna take a sip out of it.
Don: That is probably how she blesses it, yeah.
Vafrus: And just dip your finger in it and give it a taste.
"Okay, this is good."
Harmony: Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I know it tastes good, but I'm a professional.
I'll try it first.
that is exactly right.
I dip my finger into every single cup.
My pinky finger.
Don: Do you say anything about fingers of death?
Tanam: This is life now.
on life.
Don: Ah, sorry, fingers
Harmony: life.
And actually, I spin it clockwise three times.
Tanam: Oh, this is deep with symbolism.
Harmony: Mm
Don: Georg gets zero of this symbolism.
Harmony: It's okay, you don't get a lot of things.
Tanam: Oooo.
Don: Long as I get paid back for my coffee I just made.
I'm gonna buy more bags after this.
Harmony: What a sad man.
All he does is think about money.
Don: One of the coffees slips a little bit.
Harmony: Oh!
Well, I mean, I catch it because I have such great Dexterity.
Tanam: Okay.
Roll for that.
Don: is this a contested roll?
Tanam: Yeah, I think it is.
I think it's a Dex contest.
Harmony: Oh, shit, my Dexterity.
my Dexterity is only plus two.
Don: Yeah, and I rolled a 19.
So, that's a 20 with my plus one Dexterity.
Harmony: Okay, I have a 15, but perhaps I could give myself some luck?
Tanam: What?
Don: You can give me some luck.
Harmony: No, I'm not giving you luck.
Um, I rolled 15 and what was your roll again?
Don: 20.
Harmony: So, if I give myself luck, then I can get a higher score?
Tanam: what is this?
What is this ability that you're trying to use?
Harmony: I'm trying to not let the cup of coffee fall.
Tanam: Well, yeah, I understand what you're trying to do.
what is the ability that you are trying to do where you give yourself luck?
Harmony: it's called Lucky.
Don: Oh, the Lucky feat.
Of course you took the Lucky feat.
Harmony: Yeah, it says you have three luck points for long rest-
Tanam: so you can, you can roll an additional, uh, d20.
Harmony: Six.
Tanam: Okay, so, mark down that you've used one of your luck
points, failing to catch the coffee.
so one of them was not too bad, right?
What was the first one?
Do you remember?
Harmony: Oh-
Don: It was 15.
Tanam: 15.
Yeah.
Harmony: if it's 15, then I would have caught it, right?
Because that's a 21?
Don: How's a 21?
Tanam: No, you don't add them.
You get to pick one.
Harmony: Oh.
Dang.
Tanam: You're giving yourself advantage, basically.
Harmony: Okay, I could use two more luck points, but I think I'll just let this go.
Tanam: but, so 15, uh, versus 20 is not so bad.
So I think it only spills-
Don: Like a little.
Tanam: Like, a little bit.
It doesn't get on your on your clothes, but it does deliver the message.
Don: Sorry, Urekas.
I slipped.
Harmony: Okay, fine.
I'll drink that one.
Only the best for my followers.
Tanam: The dance is still ongoing.
So yeah, Georg makes the coffees, Calumn hides in the corner
with his, uh, ill gotten gong.
Vafrus: Does being part of this cult give you bad Perception?
Is that why I can't notice anything?
Tanam: Lifelong benefit conveyed upon joining.
Don: I mean, after seeing this, I have a bad perception, soooo... Probably, yeah.
Harmony: Oh, and then, while I'm giving out the cups of coffee, I just whisper to
everyone's ear, "Get. More. Followers."
Tanam: And they respond with the traditional response of, "Yes,
the world shall follow you."
Harmony: Perfect.
Vafrus: It's a weird correlation.
None of these people have high wisdom scores.
I don't understand why.
Tanam: The dance ends, and the person who was directing things comes up to you
where you're standing with Georg handing out the coffees and, uh, bows low again.
Gets the bow pretty good, but slips a little bit on the way up and has
to use their hand to, uh, come up.
Harmony: Okay.
Well, I choose not to be offended.
Tanam: Everyone notices that you've chosen not to be offended, and
lets out a little sigh of relief.
"Thank you, Urekas, for your blessings of presence. Is there
further that you wish of us?"
Harmony: Enjoy the coffee.
We'll meet again soon.
Tanam: Everyone says, "A blessing, a blessing from Urekas!" And starts
another song... that involves dancing.
Vafrus: And then Urekas never came back.
Harmony: All right, Georg.
Don: Alright, Urekas.
Am I rich now?
Harmony: You're rich with spirit.
Can't you just feel the energy in this room?
Can't you have emotions for one moment?
Really just feel the beauty in this?
Don: This was disgusting.
Some guy even dropped a gong.
Harmony: No, your coffee was good this time.
Don: Oh, it wasn't my coffee.
My coffee has gotten much better over the years we've been traveling.
Months?
Years?
I don't know how long we've been traveling.
It feels like years.
Harmony: Thank you.
if you're about finished, I think we can continue.
Don: Yep.
You're buying me bags of coffee.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, I say we head out.
I check on my followers; they're still holding the bags.
So, I leave slowly.
I know that they're both carrying the bags, but they can also kind of carry the
train of my dress as I go up the stairs.
Tanam: Okay, everyone does a very good job of pretending that they are not looking
at you as you, uh, as you go out the door, There's a complex process going on, and
some of them are better at it than others.
The specific instruction is that they are supposed to act like they are
not watching you go out the door, but be bad at acting like they are
not watching you go out the door.
So it is clear that they are watching you go out the door.
It is also clear that they are trying to act as if they are not
watching you go out the door.
It's very complicated, some of them don't quite understand.
One person's head is twitching a lot, "which way am I supposed to
be looking?" while also trying to concentrate on the dance, but, for
the most part, everything seems fine.
What does everybody else do?
Vafrus: I mean, I'm gonna stick with Urekas.
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: So, do you just follow up back up the stairs?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna stick close to wherever those two bags of money are.
I seem to recall there was a bet and I want some, I want some gold out of there.
Tanam: Rozafeen, what about Hellena?
Rozafeen: Hellena is just kind of "grrr."
Tanam: But follows up the stairs,
Rozafeen: I mean, she doesn't want to stay here.
Don: Did you ever use your gong, Ruffort?
Mm
Vafrus: Oh, I forgot.
Harmony: How about Smart Jimmy uses it?
Vafrus: At the very end, as I'm like up the top of the stairs, I'll be
like, "Oh yeah!" And I'll pull it out and just ring it from up there.
Harmony: Oh man, it feels so good.
It feels like a sound bath.
Vafrus: Looking at the bags of money.
I'll be like, yeah, "I take it back. This is a pretty good tub."
Tanam: uh, you head out through the very normal living room, out
the very normal door, out into the tight space between houses.
Harmony: That so much fun.
Do you guys wanna go follow that light?
Don: I wanna buy more coffee.
Rozafeen: How 'bout we follow the light and if we see coffee on
the way, we make a little stop?
Don: I mean, we can, but it's on you if we run out of coffee...
while following the light.
Tanam: Okay.
The light is, yeah, it's, it's pointing one, you know, basically
you can head down one side of the- like, in one direction, and sort of be
heading in the direction of the light.
It's sufficiently closely packed up here that you can't quite find a direct route.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, well.
Let's follow the light.
This seems good.
Unless Urekas knows about more of these houses.
This, this seems like a really good house.
Harmony: Well, I have a feeling there'll be more surprises along the way.
Rozafeen: Surprises for who?
Harmony: That would ruin the surprise.
Tanam: heh
Vafrus: Oh man.
Calumn starts to think, maybe there's a house like that for each of us.
Harmony: It felt really good.
Vafrus: Maybe there's a house where I'm the cult leader.
Don: That would be a pretty cool house.
Tanam: Wait, the one where Ruffort was?
Don: I mean, if everybody had a house where they were the cult leader.
Not Ruffort's House specifically.
That'd just be a bunch of people constantly pickpocketing each other.
Harmony: Giving each other hot rocks.
Vafrus: There's just six copper coins between a whole crowd.
They just keep on getting swapped around.
I mean, that could be a fun cult too.
No, Ruffort now believes that this is what Kloyle is all about.
There's cult houses for everybody, and I'm just like, ah,
yes, Kloyle the best, actually.
Tanam: Um, okay, I'm moving the party on the map.
You can see the party moving?
Ah,
Vafrus: Ah, ah.
Don: I wasn't lookin' at the map, what was I doing?
Tanam: Okay.
So you're passing through some farmlands here.
Vafrus: Oh, we avoided Hunger West, good.
Tanam: I think that place makes you hungry.
Don: that's not entirely wrong.
It is where the restaurants are.
Harmony: Restaurants make me hungry.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Harmony: We'll, be stuck there forever.
Vafrus: And we don't even have any coffee left, what'll we do?
Don: Would be like, where's Beeb?
Where is he?
Vafrus: yes.
Tanam: Hunger West and Hunger East are like, market slash
like, restaurant districts.
Don: I was just gonna say all the food markets, but, you know, same thing.
Same thing.
Vafrus: Oh, so that's literally where we need to go to find coffee, great.
Don: It seems like a good place to stop along the way.
Vafrus: We cut around it through farmland, so that Georg can't get what he wants.
Tanam: guys like to do a contested role?
let's do a contested luck roll, just, straight up d20.
Don: Eleven.
Tanam: Yeah, you're not gonna beat my nat 20.
So yeah, you definitely end up following the light right into the farmland
and avoiding Hunger West entirely.
Vafrus: I'm like, I've noticed there's no houses out here.
I don't know how I'm going to find the house, the Rufford
house, if there's no houses.
Don: If only Georg knew where, uh, things were in Klaoil.
Vafrus: We're just trampling straight over crops because we're like,
"This is where the light goes!"
Tanam: yeah, and it's pointing you, mostly south.
Vafrus: Wait, is it taking us to spider forest?
Tanam: Mayyybe.
Vafrus: Okay.
Harmony: I'm trying to remember where South is on this map.
Vafrus: Tanam!
Tanam: What?
What, Vafrus?
Vafrus: Are we going to go to spider forest to find
where the spiders come from?
Tanam: Maybe.
Vafrus: Is that why you wrote, "Literally Spider Home Forest" on the map?
Tanam: Yeah, because nobody noticed it before.
Don: That makes a lot of sense, actually.
Vafrus: Guys, I don't think we're going to be able to figure out
where the spiders came from.
I think we're- I think we just have to give up.
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm still confused.
Harmony: I'm confused too, but I could use some spider friends.
Don: I don't think we're gonna find spider friends.
Harmony: Some of those spiders owe me money.
Don: Oh.
Is that so?
Vafrus: There's just going to be mirror in the forest.
And the spiders were randomly like wandering into it.
And that's the-
Tanam: no, there was the whole vision of the guy-
Vafrus: yeah, that vision that vision can't be trusted.
I think there's just a random mirror.
Tanam: spiders are just going into it.
Don: The spiders didn't even know where they were going.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: They were just kind of confused.
Tanam: Confused and angry.
Don: They're ah, you know, I'm kind of hungry.
This, this looks like Hunger West enough.
I think that guy looks like an eatery.
Tanam: Hey, look, it's dinner.
It's kind of loud dinner, but you know.
Vafrus: The whole, like, secret tunnel dug under the rental house was- you
know, it was just a construction mistake, he's, he's, just not that great at,
like, specifying what he wants, and somebody dropped a mirror down there.
Mystery solved, everyone.
Let's go get our reward.
Tanam: It's not like You know, if people had known the local geography of the place
that they had lived for literally years.
Don: Oh yes, if we hadn't known the ancient names of the place where we live.
Tanam: It's still the name, you just gotta be curious about what it means.
Don: yeah, or you could just live there and go to, you know, The thing that's
the Spider Forest and since there aren't any spiders there, not think, "Oh this
is definitely called Spider Forest."
Vafrus: Here's what I think.
I think.
The real plot twist is gonna be that the the spider theme park is in the
world gonna find it the owner of that's gonna be who sent the spiders.
That's, that's,
Advertising?
Vafrus: Yes, yeah, trying to steal- try steal business from
the, the, the Great Gambling House.
Kloyal's big advertising plan is, "Scare people with spiders so that they'll come."
And they just persisted to this day.
That's still how they think you get business.
Don: Why don't we go to the spider theme park that totally exists?
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: ...think someone even does the record scratch sound.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: At least I have something useful to do and I don't have
to listen to your gonging.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I think death is just the flavor of the minute.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: I'm getting a lot of nat 1s lately.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: and, oh, geez, oh, ah
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
The Boss: Hey, Intern.
It's me." Nah, that was weird.
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong.
Hear more at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com.
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That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
I am holding out for it being actual sexy spiders.
Real, live, giant spiders who are also sexy and maids.