The Intern: Welcome back to Coffee Cults and Empires.
I'm your host, the Intern.
I wanna travel by catapult.
I don't wanna fight giant spiders or be menaced by birds or anything,
but I do wanna travel by catapult; that sounds so incredible.
When I learned that Hannah slash Olhana is the reason I'm not allowed
to incarnate, I was a little bit mad, but now that I know it's her fault
that I can't travel by catapult?
So mad.
But I can dream.
So last episode, they all followed the light of the bell that they
transformed during the ritual, and now they're in Kloyal.
It's gotta be fun for Don 'n Harmony since they live there
now a thousand years later.
I wonder how much Kloyal has changed in that time.
Do you think that Don 'n Harmony will have insider knowledge that
they can use to their advantage?
Don: Oh, hey.
Wow.
We're- we're real early.
Harmony: Yeah, we're the first ones.
Don: Good dinner though.
Harmony: What was that?
Don: I said good dinner though.
Harmony: Thank you.
My students made it.
Don: Yeah.
Uh, they always do.
You know, that's probably not something you should do.
Harmony: I can hear the resentment and the jealousy in your voice, and
that's why even though we're neighbors, we have to separate ourselves and
play this game via glaze instead.
Don: Oh, right.
Because you wouldn't want negativity in your temple despite
inviting me over for dinner.
Harmony: Every time you leave my temple, I have to clear the energy.
Don: And every time I leave your temple, I have to put my shoes back on.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Hey everybody!
Harmony: Hey!
Don: Oh, uh, hey how's it going?
We were just bickering.
Tanam: Oh.
Yay!
Harmony: That's okay.
Don was done.
Tanam: "Done"?
Harmony: Yes.
Don: I guess I was done.
Harmony: How are you, Tanam?
Tanam: I'm doing good.
You guys are early, but I'm glad to see you though.
Are you excited about the new setting that we're in?
Don: The new setting...?
Oh, you mean-
Harmony: Yeah, I am excited to explore Klaoil.
Don: Yeah.
Klaoil.
Tanam: You don't sound super enthused.
Don: It- It's Klaoil?
Harmony: I, I like Kla- Klaoil's great.
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: No, it is and, and this is a fun game.
I'm, we're happy to be here.
Right, Don?
Don: Yeah, absolutely.
I, I mean the, the game is really good.
I, I, I don't dislike Klaoil.
I mean, we there.
Like, it, it's that we, we know the place, right?
Tanam: I mean, yeah.
Don: like an- ancient Klaoil.
I'm sure hasn't- probably not much has changed though.
Tanam: I don't know.
You guys know the history of Klaoil, right?
Harmony: Yeah, of course.
Don: uh,
Harmony: I know the history.
Don: I mean, it, it didn't really grow up there or anything.
Harmony: Don!
Tanam: what?
Don: Well, I, I mean, I grew up like there, but not like there.
Tanam: That makes zero sense.
Don: okay.
So, you know, you grew up in a place and then, and then you're from a smaller place
that's nearby and you just sort of tell everybody that you're from that place.
Tanam: Oh, like, from the bigger place?
Don: You don't want people to get confused, but it's not like they taught,
you know, Klaoil history in Jersey- oil.
Harmony: DON!
Tanam: Wait, what?
Sorry, Be right back
Don: I mean, what do we tell 'em?
Uh,
Harmony: You are the worst liar.
Don: A liar?!
Harmony: You are inspiring me to write another book.
Don: I, I don't know what you mean.
I am from Jersey- oil.
Tanam: Hey, sorry.
Don: HI.
Harmony: my, my, my, My place where I grew up.
It's not really on the map, so don't worry about it.
Tanam: Not really on the map?
I have studied the history of Klaoil probably more than you two, I guess.
And I do not remember Jersioil.
Uh, so is it smaller than that even?
Don: It is about the same size as Jersioil, which is also not on the map.
Tanam: Well, I mean, it's good to know that it's not on the map that I'm not
just re- I'm just like, because for a long time Klaoil was the only thing
there because of the bridge roads.
Don: Well, okay.
I mean, that's not entirely true.
There, there was things there, it's just they, they didn't talk about those things
'cause they didn't matter very much.
It was just a couple people that didn't like living in Klaoil and didn't have
a very good public school system.
So they, they didn't wanna, you know, uh, talk about the people that,
that lived outside of the place.
Right?
Harmony: Yeah, I, I'm familiar with not wanting to live in Klaoil.
Tanam: Aw.
I'm sorry.
Harmony: But, we're excited for this campaign!
Don: Yeah!
And we know like some stuff about Klaoil.
Tanam: So did you guys move there right when we, uh, when we all went to school?
Don: Oh, around then.
Yeah.
Harmony: Yeah.
Yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Like, we can find the Lonyu Markets and, and you know, uh, we,
we know how to walk the Center Belt.
Tanam: okay.
Harmony: Yeah, we know all about the Rage Belt.
At least I do.
Don: I spent a lot more time in the Stability Belt, but you know.
Harmony: Yeah.
You need time in the Stability Belt.
I already have it because I have students that help keep me stable, so
it's like I'm in the Stability Belt.
Tanam: So wait, the, the, the, the students help keep you stable?
Harmony: Yeah, well, it's a mutual experience.
I like to call my apartment the Acting Temple.
So after class, the students will come by, they'll do my laundry, they'll tidy up.
It really helps them to commit to their characters.
Don: So she would be like, oh, you should come over to my place and do my laundry
because I only do plays about laundresses.
Harmony: It's because my plays are grounded in reality.
Someone has to do the laundry.
I don't have time.
I'm busy teaching.
So, my students do it and then they get to spend time with me and see how I live.
It's very immersive.
Don: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: And this is the temple?
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
That's what I call my apartment.
Yes.
The Acting Temple.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: It turns out you can call anything a temple.
Harmony: You know, Don, maybe you can invent some more physics and catapult
yourself out of this conversation.
Don: I would if I could.
You should go and invite some students over to cook you dinner.
Harmony: Maybe I will.
Vafrus: Hey everyone!
Don: Oh, uh, hey Vafrus, how's it going?
Harmony: Hey Vafrus!
Tanam: Oh, hi.
Yeah.
Hi.
Sorry.
Vafrus: Game day again, game day again.
Tanam: Oh, that's right.
Game.
That's why we're here.
We are here to play the game not to, uh, okay.
Yeah.
Vafrus: DId everyone make it?
Is Rozafeen coming through?
Tanam: She's not there.
Oh, wait.
Rozafeen: No, I'm here.
Vafrus: Okay.
We-
Harmony: Phew.
Don: She's just silently judging us.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
there's this, and so, last time-
Vafrus: We flew through the heavens!
Tanam: Yes, and it was a delightful trip.
And...
Vafrus: And we weren't allowed to get off early for some reason...!
Tanam: And you have the bell that's pointing you towards the forest direction,
and you're at the catapult field.
Don: I have to wonder why catapult didn't take off as a more
popular form of transportation.
Tanam: I mean, it's just expensive.
Don: Yeah, but it's awesome.
Vafrus: Hellena gets to do it because it's like part of her job, right?
Rozafeen: Exactly.
Vafrus: We got like the employee discount?
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Okay.
I was gonna be like, "oh, no, do we owe a bunch of money for this trip?
Don: That's alright, Urekas has got us covered.
Harmony: Exactly.
Don: I hear she has bunch of money.
Harmony: I have so much money.
But luckily, I don't have to pay it.
To this person.
Rozafeen: You have so much money, do you?
Harmony: Yeah, I mean, in theory.
And actuality.
Hey, look over there.
Vafrus: it's Smart Jimmy!
Harmony: Hey, Smart Jimmy.
Smart Jimmy just did a backflip.
Don: That's actually pretty impressive for a crow, or corvid of some sort.
Rozafeen: Was it a flip or was it a fly?
Harmony: Oh, it was a flip.
Like, you'd think he would use his wings, but he doesn't have to.
He has very buff legs.
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy who also does leg day.
Tanam: Well, it's very smart.
You never skip leg day.
Vafrus: No other day though just leg day.
Harmony: Smart Jimmy just winked at you.
Vafrus: This crow with like huge beefy legs.
And everyone's like "yeah, the thing we know about him is that he's real smart."
Harmony: It defies stereotypes, you know, sometimes you don't think of buff people
as smart, but Smart Jimmy has everything.
Vafrus: Someone tried to make a name for Smart Jimmy based on his
appearance and he kicked them to death.
So, uh, you know.
Harmony: And did a backflip on their grave.
Vafrus: I'm glad we have this extensive backstory for Jimmy now.
A character Tanam never meant to include.
Don: A main character Tanam never meant to include.
Vafrus: So Jimmy, where would you like to go next?
This is the main thing we have to worry about now.
Oh wait, none of us can talk to Jimmy except for Urekas.
Urekas, where do you think Jimmy wants to go next?
Harmony: Well, Jimmy sees the light, but Jimmy is actually noticing a group of
Urekas followers over at Anxiety North.
Tanam: Over in that Belt?
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Is anyone else suspicious that Urekas is just using, "Oh
Jimmy sees this!" for her own uses?
Harmony: You are so jealous; it's pathetic.
Vafrus: Urekas would never lie about what Smart Jimmy wants.
Harmony: Exactly.
Rozafeen: I could talk to Smart Jimmy about it myself, but I don't
want to spend the spell slot.
Vafrus: Just because none of us saw Urekas cast the Speak
with Animals charm just now.
Urekas just knows things, alright?
Harmony: Well, Smart Jimmy is on my shoulder, so I don't even have to.
It's kind of like how twins can communicate.
Vafrus: That famous thing that happens when somebody is touching your shoulder,
you just understand their deepest whims.
Harmony: It's because we're both so smart.
We don't have to talk.
Vafrus: Ruffort was concerned about this bell and the light and everything, but
now that Urekas wants to go somewhere- I mean, Jimmy wants to go somewhere-
Harmony: Smart Jimmy.
Tanam: please, please, Jimmy was my father.
Vafrus: One of these days, you'll have to introduce us to Old Jimmy.
Tanam: So, you head out of the catapult field, waving goodbye to Goose-
Vafrus: Oh yeah!
Bye, Goose!
Harmony: Thank you, Goose.
Don: Hey, do you think I could get a, uh, a free flight, Goose?
I gotta go on a university salary.
I mean, uh, um.
An armorsmith's salary.
Rozafeen: Everyone walk this way and please stop harassing my friend Goose.
Don: Sorry, Goose.
Vafrus: Do you think Goose knows that their name is a bird?
We're following Smart Jimmy around, and even Smart Jimmy's name isn't a bird,
like, that's- I just met Goose, so it's probably not my place to say, but, you
know, someone should probably tell them.
Don: I'm sure we'll bring it up later.
Vafrus: Tanam, make sure to bring back Goose, we need to have a long conversation
with Goose, very important for the story.
Don: Yeah, a real long necked conversation.
Tanam: Okay!
Vafrus: All right, we begin walking through the city.
Tanam: Yeah!
You head on out!
Let's see.
If you look at the map- if you look at the thing back there, it's of course the
road; the Bridgelands are two hours- one hour in each direction from the road,
and so the city has expanded out to that.
Anxiety North is the northern part of the city that isn't taken up by
something else, so the catapult field is embedded in Anxiety North there,
and Urekas is taking you to the west.
The field is purposely big and open and flat, and not big structures that
are going to get in the way of the incoming and outgoing catapult rides.
The city around transitions very quickly to super dense.
The streets between sprung up wherever people wanted to put them.
So, Urekas, I'd like you to roll something to remember the exact
path to where you're going.
Don: Probably a D4.
Vafrus: Mean.
Don: Yeah.
Harmony: I don't get this joke.
Rozafeen: I think you should roll Smart Jimmy.
I hear he does flips.
Tanam: You can roll any skill check you want, as long as you
can justify how it will help you find the place that you're going.
Harmony: Oh, great.
Let's do my Performance of plus ten because as a leader it's important
to perform for your community.
Vafrus: The performance is to look like you know what you're
doing even when you don't.
So Harmony is just going to keep on walking till she finds it.
Harmony: Wow.
Don: Didn't expect that from you, Ruffort.
Vafrus: Oh no, Ruffort would never say that.
This is Vafrus all the way.
Don: Oh you're out of character.
Alright, I understand.
Harmony: like, something happened to him during that catapult ride.
Vafrus: Yeah, no, Calumn doesn't know what check you're rolling.
You're, she's, she's, you know...
Tanam: Okay, Go ahead and roll the check.
Harmony: 23.
Tanam: Nice.
Okay.
Vafrus: 23.
That's like, a parade level of Performance, right?
Do we have parade now?
Are there fireworks?
Don: Yeah!
Vafrus: I really like the fireworks from before.
Tanam: The Performance here is- like you noted- doing an extremely convincing job
of "I know where I'm going," and in fact, such a good job of acting as if she knows
where she's going, it wraps around and she does actually know where she is going.
And who can say what caused what?
Vafrus: It's important to believe in yourself.
Harmony: Uh-huh.
Don: This is the worst sense of direction I've ever heard about in
my life and I'm quite angry about it.
Like, you can't just decide you know where you're going and then all of a
sudden you know where you're going and that's why you know where you're going.
Tanam: Maybe you can't.
Don: That's harsh.
Tanam: Have you met Urekas?
Don: Some of us just remember where things are, like normal fucking people.
Vafrus: Oh, while we're like apparently wandering randomly very confidently, do
we ever pass by that spider sexy cafe?
Does it exist back in the, in the thousand years ago Kloyal?
Tanam: Yeah, so that cafe is new.
Don: Very.
New.
Vafrus: I think we should put it in the game anyway, Tanam.
I think Kloyal isn't really Kloyal without a weird theme park that's both got
like hot models and spiders everywhere.
Harmony: Do you think that would be the Surprise Belt?
Vafrus: The entire belt.
Yeah.
Come on, Tanam.
Come on.
Don: That is something they'd put in the Surprise Belt.
I can't even deny it, that's good.
Tanam: So, okay, so you want me to have the whole park there, or just the cafe?
Vafrus: I mean, do, do, do how you want.
It's just the only thing I know about Kloyal.
So like, I figure, you know, I just want it to be there.
Tanam: We really should have taken you somewhere else, like anywhere else.
Don: Yeah, anywhere else.
Vafrus: Okay.
I mean, I had fun.
It wasn't bad.
Like, it's just kinda- kinda weird.
Don: Look, you know how many other museums there are here?
There's museums to engineering, there's museums to catapults and
coffee, there's a museum of just about every kind, and you're, you're
focused on the sexy spider people.
Vafrus: I mean, can you blame me?
Don: Yeah.
Vafrus: Also, you know, I'm trying to figure out a little mystery.
We've got this bell that's pointing somewhere.
Maybe it's pointing at the spider theme park.
Rozafeen: Mnnmm...
Don: Speaking of a spider theme park, "literally Spiderhome Forest."
Tanam: I see that you have seen my addition to the map.
Vafrus: Wait-
Don: Yeaaahh.
Vafrus: Oh!
Tanam: Yeah, that's what that means.
I'm a little bit disappointed in Don and Harmony for living in Klaoil for
so long and not picking up any of the local language, but I get it.
So, I have provided translations for some of the things that still have those names.
Vafrus: Wait, is that where they built the theme park?
Is that why there's a spider theme park in Kloyal?
Tanam: Kind of close to the lake.
Yeah.
Don: We all know the lake's named Spiderwall.
I mean, that's taught in schools... buuut there's a
difference between Ikomo and Itam.
And I know that it's a weird, like, noun transformation thingy that I
don't understand any of because I don't care about language, and I'm
sure I'm about to get explained to me.
Tanam: um,
Don: Wait, I'm not gonna?
Oh, that's great, that's fantastic, that's just what I wanted is
to not get an explanation.
Harmony: No, no, this is the cold before the storm.
Vafrus: I think it's just "encompto" means spider and the spider forest
also has the word "encompto" in it.
Tanam: Yeah, it's enkotokat, and that's the home thing.
Anyhow,
Don: So is one like "spider" and one is "got spidered" or something?
It's a weird verb form?
Tanam: Oh, I mean, we could go into the grammar, but I don't think that anyone
besides me is interested in this thing.
Don: Yeah.
Harmony: No!
I'm deeply interested!
Rozafeen: I am deeply not.
Tanam: Okay.
Tell you what we can talk about it another time and you can learn a little
bit more about the ancient language that permeates your living space.
Harmony: Are there seven books you can recommend right now in
that language for me to read?
Don: Wow.
It's gonna be- you know it's gonna be, "Spiders and You: A Beginner's Guide,"
Vafrus: Volumes one through seven.
Don: probably.
It's all textbooks.
Uh, uh,
Tanam: uh, let's see, what is it?
"Konklaoil: An Introduction."
Harmony: That's one.
Tanam: and it covers a lot of these things.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, there's, um.
"The Klaoil Language Atlas." That one is based on maps of Klaoil, throughout
the years, and talks about the sources for the various names of things.
Rozafeen: I. Will.
Kill.
You.
Tanam: So, anyhow, yes, you have noticed my additions to the map
because none of you actually noticed them when they were in Konklaoil,
so I have translated for you.
Don: Wouldn't have.
Really, really wouldn't ha- like, translate the things.
Tanam: So yeah, the forest could be translated as "Spiderhome Forest," and,
the lake- as you noted- is Spiderwall.
And that's because at this time, there were giant spiders living in that forest
and the lake protected the city from them.
They come to the edge of the lake and stare across.
This used to be an exhibit at the museum that eventually turned into
the sexy spider cafe, but people cared so little that they got rid of all of
the history and just left the like-
Vafrus: The good stuff.
Tanam: -cafe.
Don: Yeah, you're leaving out how that was the creepiest exhibit
that anyone has ever seen.
"The Eight Eight Eyes" was not a good exhibit.
It was, it was just everything watching you from across a little pool of water,
and you felt like you were gonna die.
Tanam: and, and this is why everyone was extremely thankful for The Spiderwall.
Don: And the cafe.
Vafrus: hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
That's what I'm saying.
Ancient Kloyal needs the cafe, if only in our imagination.
Come on.
Don: Better than the exhibit.
Harmony: Think about how fast those spiders can make coffee.
Vafrus: So we're following Urekas and Smart Jimmy, not to the
spider cafe, breaking my heart.
Where do we go?
Tanam: Can you see the party moving?
Ah?
Harmony: It's great.
Yeah, look at that.
Vafrus: This is very clever.
Is that where we have to go?
Is that the party?
We gotta get to the party?
Tanam: no, that's you.
That's- you guys are the party.
Vafrus: Oh, we're the party?
Everyone should come to us.
I guess that is usually how it works, right?
Don't worry everyone, good people of Kloyal, the party has arrived!
Don: How far glaze technology has come that we can slowly move
a spiky ball across the screen.
Tanam: oh, that's, me.
I did that.
I'm very excited.
Don: Ah, I know.
Harmony: See?
That glaze wasn't worthless afterall.
Tanam: And, and you'll be very, very proud of me.
I used magnets.
Vafrus: Oooooh!
I am actually very proud of you, Tanam.
I thought you were gonna say that you bought an expensive
new thing that lets you do this.
Don: I did keep looking for a piece of string, to be honest.
Tanam: No, it's magnets.
So,
Vafrus: That's very clever.
Tanam: Anyhow, this is where you've gone.
Off to the west a bit.
Urekas heads confidently out into the city and takes you down winding streets and
through some alleys, and you feel like you're maybe going in circles a bit, but-
but Urekas moves confidently forward.
Vafrus: Doubles back a couple of times.
Tanam: There's no doubling back.
You know, a lot of the streets look a little bit the same...
Vafrus: To traverse this street, you have to walk back and forth it twice.
That's just how it works.
Don't question this.
Tanam: You're not in the Surprise Belt, and you are not within
distance of the Fast Path.
So there's not going be those weird spatial things.
Don: For once, I'm on Urekas's side.
We are in Anxiety Belt, so what happens is you think that you're doubling back,
and you're really concerned that you've been there before, and you haven't been
there before, but it's gonna feel like it.
Just get used to it.
Tanam: Oh, there is a book about that actually, but yeah, okay.
So, eventually you come to a house; it's packed in with other
ones, and a couple stories tall.
It doesn't look particularly different than the ones that you've seen-
Vafrus: Barely any catapult damage.
Tanam: no it's out of the- look at the map.
You're outside of the path.
I have the paths on there.
Vafrus: Oh?
Catapults never miss?
Tanam: No, they don't.
Vafrus: Because Rufforts jump out of them early.
Tanam: Okay, so that's not catapult damage.
That's Ruffort damage, which is a different thing.
So yeah, you're in front of a house.
What does Urekas do from there?
Harmony: I open the door.
Vafrus: Knocking is for people who are not sure if they're supposed to be there.
Harmony: Knocking is for the Anxious.
Tanam: What do the rest of you do?
Are you following closely?
Vafrus: I'm not gonna get mistaken for one of the- oh, did you
bring any followers, Urekas?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah.
Seven.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, I'm not gonna get mistaken for one of them.
I'm going in the house.
Tanam: Okay, so we still have seven.
I thought we pared down to three, but I keep on thinking
that we pared down to three.
Vafrus: We pared down to three, but by this point, they've grown back to seven.
Harmony: Yeah, we collected more on the walk.
Tanam: It was a really good Performance roll, so- "That person knows where
she's going. I should probably follow."
Harmony: It's what you do in Anxiety North, you look for a leader.
Vafrus: "My life has no purpose. That person seems... driven. Sure!"
Tanam: "This person is really going places."
Vafrus: Regardless of how many followers there were, when we
landed, there are now seven.
Tanam: So yeah, Urekas opens up the door, and inside it's kind of modest.
Nothing unexpected about it.
In fact, the interior of the house is, from what you can see as you head in
the front door, is extremely normal.
Everything about it just screams, "This is the most normal, average
place, there is absolutely nothing weird going on here."
Harmony: Do we think there's a portal?
Should we check the bathroom?
Vafrus: You're the one who led to this house!
Harmony: I check the bathroom.
Don: You do say it screams that, so is that something that
we should kind of pick up on?
Is that it's a little too normal?
Tanam: So, Urekas heads to the bathroom.
And, of course- as she remembered from her previous visits here- there is
a stairway leading down through what looks like a bathtub, but it's actually
a stairway down into the basement.
Vafrus: I didn't follow her into the bathroom, that
feels like it would be rude.
I'm hanging out in the very normal living room.
Harmony: Wait, there's stairs going down from the tub?
Tanam: The tub is not real.
There's the side of the tub, but then when you look in, there's
actually a stairway going down.
Harmony: Hey everybody!
Check out this tub!
Vafrus: Happy to now, having been invited, join Urekas in the bathroom.
I go look at the tub.
Tanam: It's a stairway.
Vafrus: That's... a bad tub.
Rozafeen: Naughty tub.
Vafrus: Real bad tub.
I don't think could use this tub at all.
All the water's just gonna go down the stairs.
Don: It could be just a really deep tub.
Vafrus: Yeah, I mean, guess if you can get enough water?
Harmony: Yeah, I turn on the water.
Tanam: Uh-
Vafrus: Do they have plumbing 1000 years ago?
Tanam: oh man.
Vafrus: Or Do you have to get people to like, bring the water?
Tanam: Oh.
So we had this whole discussion about indoor bathrooms in this time period and
so this is pre- people starting to steal from, you know, steal the bathrooms
from other places, via mirrors, but I think we decided that there's plumbing.
Even though there wasn't.
I think we agreed on that ahistorical thing, so that we didn't have to
deal with there not being plumbing.
Vafrus: Alright.
Okay, yeah, turn on the water.
Or, Urekas turns on the water.
Someone turns on the water.
Harmony: Smart Jimmy turns on the water.
Vafrus: Smart Jimmy!
Harmony: With his legs.
Tanam: Okay.
So we have agreed that there is generally plumbing.
There is a faucet.
Turning it on does not do anything.
Vafrus: Oh, we have to fix this faucet.
That's obviously the main important thing right now.
Don: Uhhhh, yeah.
Vafrus: Urekas, why have you brought us to this house with this
weird tub and this broken faucet?
Harmony: I was just trying to find people to help.
Is that a crime?
Don: Do you want us to go down the stairs?
Harmony: Yeah.
That's probably a good idea.
Rozafeen: Yes, that's what she's wanted the whole time.
Don: Screw it, I'll go down the stairs.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: This is a terrible idea.
Tanam: So, Georg clumps down the stairs.
Don: Not happily.
Look, I'd like to amend that Georg does not traipse down the stai- Georg-
Georg unhappily walks down the stairs very seriously with a serious face.
Harmony: And are you muttering and is it really echoey?
Don: Yeah.
Vafrus: You think it's more of like a saunter or a galumph?
Don: definitely more of a galumph.
You can hear, "Interns gonna... bite... mhmnamm..."
but it's echoes, as well.
Vafrus: Alright, I'll follow Georg.
I'll bravely go second.
"This way Urekas! Follow me!"
Don: "Urekas thinks she can just wander in ta any house... Tub!"
Harmony: Okay.
Smart Jimmy and I go down too.
Tanam: Is Hellena bringing up the rear?
Rozafeen: I guess.
Can't be helped.
Tanam: How does Justice feel about all this?
Rozafeen: I don't think she wants to bring up the rear, so I think it
is indeed Hellena in the very back.
Tanam: Then followed by a bunch of followers.
Harmony: Yeah.
Rozafeen: They don't count.
Harmony: What?
Rozafeen: I think that we all know that.
Vafrus: Oh no!
Harmony: I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear that.
You know, I think six followers joined, but one stays to look out.
Tanam: Just like, stare out the window?
Harmony: Yeah.
And warn us if anything bad's about to happen.
Vafrus: So we've come to this random house that Urekas confidently
picked out for us, but hasn't told us what the point of it is.
Harmony: Okay, so that's just your anxiety.
You gotta like, let go.
Vafrus: And then, we found secret passage in the bathtub, so
we're just going to go down it.
But Urekas isn't going first, so what's going to happen is, Georg and
Ruffort, two strangers are just gonna arrive at the bottom of this passage.
That's cool.
That's what happens.
Here we go.
Don: Better than Urekas making trouble at the bottom of the passage.
Harmony: Also, I can't be first because my dress train- like, I need my followers to
hold the train while we're all going down.
Don: Wait, how does that mean you can't go first?
Harmony: I don't have time to explain this to you.
Don: Look, I get Georg doesn't know how dresses work but I'm
pretty sure the train's behind.
Vafrus: You just don't understand fashion, Don.
Don: You know what, I'll give that to you.
That's fair.
Vafrus: Yes, physically it seems like it would work, but
it has nothing to do with it.
Harmony: But emotionally, it doesn't.
Vafrus: Yep, okay.
What's at the bottom?
Tanam: Calumn does recognize- not exactly the stairs, but-
the vibe of this whole thing.
It feels very familiar, from back in Calumn's early days-
Vafrus: oooooooo
Tanam: -before adventuring.
Vafrus: When I was still trying to get my book?
Tanam: Yep.
Vafrus: We're no longer in the "screams as normal as possible" part of the house?
Tanam: yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no.
This- As soon as there's stairs in a bathtub, it's-
Vafrus: Extremely normal secret passage.
Tanam: The most average of secret passages in bathtubs.
Vafrus: Just like your grandma has, don't worry about it.
Tanam: Exactly.
Vafrus: Yeah, okay.
I'm not a very self-aware person.
Do you want me to roll to like, notice anything?
Tanam: Sure, I was trying to think what that might be.
Like an Intelligence check?
Like some sort of-
Vafrus: heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, Well it don't matter what it
is, cause it's a natural one.
heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh,
Rozafeen: Oh, it very much matters what it is.
Vafrus: heh, heh, heh, heh, I would like to make a Survival check.
Oh, I died.
Medicine check?
Oh I'm poisoned.
Tanam: Just spontaneously.
Vafrus: Animal Handling?
Oh, Smart Jimmy ate me.
I don't know.
Tanam: okay, well, so much for that thread of things, uh-
Vafrus: I'm just like, "ah yes this is how things aught to be.
I feel so at home. Anyway..."
Tanam: yep.
Exactly.
just, yep, do not even notice it..
Unexamined.
Okay, you go down the stairs, at the bottom of the stairs,
there's a landing and a door.
On each side of the door, there's a glowing rock.
It vaguely looks like a sunstone, but it's not.
The color is wrong.
Vafrus: Okay, well, obviously this is the sort of house where you
don't knock, because that's what I've learned from Urekas so far.
So I'm going to open both of the doors, just grand entrance style.
Don: As this happens, Georg 's like going up to knock and Ruffort just pushes past.
Harmony: How manly!
Tanam: So the doors swing open.
They were apparently pretty thick because they were blocking a lot of
what was probably a bunch of sound, but as the doors swing open, whatever
sound there was from the voices from the probably 50 people that are down
here, suddenly stops as everyone stares at you all standing there.
Vafrus: Maximum awkward silence.
Tanam: Yeah, it's sucking up all the other sound in the
room, the silence is so awkward.
Vafrus: I'm going to strike a dramatic pose and say, "We have arrived."
Harmony: And then Smart Jimmy does another backflip.
Vafrus: Oh, I should have said "the party is here."
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Okay, uh, I mean, what am I rolling for?
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: We learned improv as "yes and fuck you."
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one
picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: That was a horrible sound.
Absolutely terrible.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Urekas needs to find people who do count.
Where can we get those?
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Everyone has completely forgotten that spiders used
to be a big deal in Klaoil.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to worldbuilding and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
I'll say it- I'll say it like that too.
"So. Mad."