The Intern: Welcome back to Coffee, Cults, and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern.
I don't wanna jinx it, but lately it seems like the company is going to leave the world alone. I haven't heard anything about Rosie pushing to destroy it for profit in weeks, and I don't think that's just because the rumor mill is full up with gossip about me and the chronoscope. Uhhh, someone actually asked me yesterday if it was true that I had gone back in time and founded Inside the Box Sciences, Incorporated.
Okay, well back to what really matters last time they had completed the ritual! Are you ready to find out where the mirror connected to? You have any guesses? Say them now. Really? That's an interesting guess. Okay, let's see if you're right.
Tanam: Okay, so last time, we had the ritual. Woo!
Don: I'm so excited. This is the best ritual I have ever done. Possibly the only ritual, because magic is a lie. Except for this thing. It's really important.
Rozafeen: I don't remember anything about the ritual, so I'm gonna need someone to back me up to square one.
Harmony: Same.
Vafrus: well, first we like did a bunch of checks and sacrificed some stuff, which maybe wasn't necessary, was just Georg keeping us busy.
Don: Look, I tried to keep you busy. I tried to get Urekas to just sing randomly, and you to tell us all your secrets, but noooo, Tanam wanted me to just follow the rules.
Harmony: Well, I did chanting.
Vafrus: We decided I had retroactively stolen some stuff so that I could throw it in the pot.
Rozafeen: I think I remember sacrificing my bell.
Tanam: Yes, that was the first physical sacrifice that was made, and that is important.
Rozafeen: Oooookay.
Tanam: With that... all of a sudden, you're in a dark stone room. and It smells moldy and dank.
Don: Does it smell a lot like the place that we were in?
Tanam: No, no, no, no, that was not wet at all, that was cut into the desert, right? It was dusty in there.
Don: Okay, but not wet. Got it, got it; okay.
Tanam: A hooded figure, with-
Vafrus: Eldritch Blast!
Harmony: Oh no!
Don: Don't ruin the spell!
Vafrus: Okay, I don't do anything yet.
Tanam: A hooded figure walks up, and you realize that you are seeing from the perspective of the mirror.
Vafrus: I'm gonna hold out my hand to try to get the green light to shine under the hood so I can see what their face looks like.
Tanam: You realize that your body is not there.
Vafrus: Solved the green light problem, guys. I know you were all really worried about that, but I got it.
Don: I mean, it has been an hour, right?
Tanam: Yeah, I that's true, sometime during the casting you stopped glowing green.
Vafrus: Well, this is the moment I notice, and I think I did it.
Tanam: So, he begins, speaking. I'm not going to try to do his accent, but you definitely recognize it as Klaoilian. A deep voice that you don't recognize. He intones some words of magic, and you can feel the mirror wake up, and for the first time, you see, probably now illuminated by the light of the mirror, there's cages, with some spiders that look very familiar. And they're reaching through and trying to get out, bumping up against the bars.
Vafrus: So this guy didn't summon the spiders. He had to like import them, get someone to move every one of those cages from spider land or wherever.
Don: Yeah, Spiderland.
Vafrus: This was an expensive attack, is what I'm saying.
Tanam: And then he clambers up on top of the cages, pulls up on the fronts of the cages, and they all come up at once, and the spiders start running towards you, because you're the mirror.
Vafrus: Do any of them eat him?
Tanam: Well, he's following behind them, and his hands are glowing and he's waving them around, so he seems to be herding them, probably magically.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: All of a sudden, as they all pass through the mirror, your vision shifts, and you're looking into the cellar that you were in before. The air is dry and dusty. The shift between the two is jarring.
Vafrus: It's a good thing mirrors can tell what the humidity is. It's very useful.
Rozafeen: I will cut you.
Tanam: The spiders run past you, and then he follows, and they all head towards the stairs. A while later, it's hard to tell exactly how long, the figure comes running back into the chamber, alone, and dives towards you, diving into the mirror. And the vision ends.
Vafrus: Does, the hood happen to come back a little bit while they're diving?
Rozafeen: I was gonna say, they're diving into us. Do we get any facial action?
Tanam: Nope.
Don: It's a really good hood.
Harmony: Ooh, can I use the helm to read his thoughts?
Tanam: Well, the vision is over.
Harmony: Aww.
Tanam: And he wasn't really there, it was just a vision.
Vafrus: Yeah, the mirror probably couldn't have read his thoughts, so you probably couldn't either. Alright, what about like, build shape? Can we rule anyone out by, like, the stature of this person?
Tanam: Let's see, what was- Hellena's roll was... Perception 25, and this is a visual thing, so I will say that Hellena recognizes the cloak that- like, this was, like, it was definitely the same hooded figure that she saw at the end of the street. Running away after the attack.
Rozafeen: I mean, I would be very confused if wasn't.
Tanam: Yeah, I mean, just-
Vafrus: How tall are they? How about that?
Harmony: it's kind of on theme.
Vafrus: Did you know that there was a spider attack? And also it involved this mirror and a cloaked guy! Oh my goodness!
Rozafeen: I'm dying here.
Tanam: I said lots of things in there, there are many details you can choose to have listened to.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I kind of want my bell back.
Don: How much do we have to pay to get a name and maybe a location?
Vafrus: You did use male pronouns a bunch of times, that's helpful.
Don: Yeah, I know it's a guy.
Vafrus: I don't know how we could tell that if we can't tell how tall he is, but you know-
Rozafeen: Maybe it's from the voice pitch.
Don: Oh, we have his voice, and we know he's from Klaoil.
Vafrus: Alright, yeah, that's helpful actually. Alright. Yeah, we have an accent.
Don: I feel like we have met somebody with an accent from Klaoil. I do not remember who, though.
Vafrus: I'm pretty sure it's Tagak.
Don: It's definitely Taga- or the Sorceress. Or the Second, or-
Vafrus: We should go harass Beeb, just in case, though.
Don: I was gonna say, or, we've been fooled this whole time, it's actually Beeb.
Vafrus: Mm hmm.
Don: We should give Beeb a full interrogation just make sure. And also breakfast, we should get breakfast.
Rozafeen: I think it's some rando we haven't met yet.
Don: That would be really unfortunate.
Vafrus: Yeah, I think that was the idea. I think we haven't actually met this person, but they could be working for anyone. Like, for example, the Desert Sorceress, or the desert, what was-?
Don: Dessert. I think it was the Dessert Sorceress. She's really tasty.
Vafrus: Mmm.
Tanam: No, the Dessert Sorceress is the person who's been building all of the chocolate fountains for you. Uh, that's a different-
Don: Or it's the same person.
Rozafeen: abadabadobdob. Sh sh shh. What about my bell?
Don: Wait, Yeah, what does the bell say?
Harmony: Yeah. I like that.
Tanam: Okay. You all come out of the ceremony and you're discussing what you saw and, and, and perhaps feeling slightly cheated at the, uh, amount of information that you got.
Vafrus: I want my money I didn't know I had until that moment back.
Tanam: Rozafeen, I don't think you described how Hellena contributed the bell. What did that look like?
Rozafeen: On my held-out palm, flat, and I gave it a little tinkle, and then I handed it to Georg.
Tanam: What did Georg do with it?
Don: I then took the bell and set it carefully in the center of the ritual.
Tanam: Okay. It's still there.
Don: Why is it still there? Did I not do it right? I swear I read this whole thing.
Rozafeen: I sort of look over my left shoulder, look over my right shoulder, look at the bell, and then pick it up.
Tanam: As you do, a light shines out of the bottom of the bell. But it doesn't, like, shine down on the ground. It shines towards one of the walls. Like, it comes out of the bottom, but turns, and goes out the wall.
Don: Do I know what this is?
Rozafeen: A bad flashlight.
Don: Perfect. I it.
Tanam: Roll me an Arcana with advantage.
Rozafeen: Mm hmm. hmm.
Vafrus: it's probably just Ruffort's weird magic going wild again.
Don: Eighteen.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: 21.
Tanam: well, you don't get advantage on Arcana if you rolled it.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I rolled once.
Tanam: Okay, you guys start talking about this and jog both of your memories enough. Georg has never actually done this ritual before-
Don: heyyyy!
Rozafeen: I feel lied to.
Don: Okay. Yeah, that's fine.
Tanam: -but, going through the descriptions of it that you've learned, this is a potential outcome of it. This is one of the boons that might be a result. This sounds like one of them, but it was non specific in terms of why it was good.
Rozafeen: So just sometimes you sacrifice something and you get back a flashlight?
Tanam: Well, you get back the thing, and it also has a light going out of it. I mean, it didn't say it like that, but yeah, essentially.
Don: Does the light just continue? Is it, when you say "boon," is it like, oh, this bell now is a flashlight, as well as a bell?
Tanam: Um-
Rozafeen: Maybe the light leads us to sustenance. Who wants breakfast?
Don: We do need to bother Beebs about that whole thing.
Harmony: I make some shadow puppets in the light it's of, like, Beebs feeding all of us.
Tanam: Okay, roll me a Performance.
Don: She's gonna roll like a 29. We're all gonna be terrified.
Harmony: Oh, I only got a twelve.
Tanam: it's fine.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: you don't have to explain too much what it is.
Harmony: Not bad.
Rozafeen: That's a pancake.
Tanam: You make some Beeb noises; a bad impression of Beeb and then make some pancake eating noises. Yeah.
Harmony: "I'm Beeb. I'm really serious. Stop lighting my place on fire." "
Don: Oh yeah, that's a pretty good Beeb. So wait, Calumn, did they take your money? Like, did the ritual thing?
Vafrus: Oh, yeah!
Don: 'Cuz you put in like a hundred gold.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, I put in a bunch of money.
Tanam: Yeah, it's gone.
Vafrus: It didn't turn into a flashlight?
Tanam: No, it did not turn into a flashlight.
Vafrus: BUNCH OF INDIVIDUAL TINY FLASHLIGHT COINS.
Don: Does the bell continue to be a light?
Tanam: Hellena picked it up, right?
Rozafeen: Correct.
Tanam: What is she doing with it?
Rozafeen: Well, apparently I was holding it still long enough for Urekas to make shadow puppets.
Tanam: Okay, it's not acting like a flashlight.
Rozafeen: Great. So it's a shitty flashlight?
Vafrus: As you rotate the bell different directions, does the curved light tends toward the same way as if it's trying to lead us in that direction?
Tanam: it is always pointing that direction. Yes. Well guessed.
Vafrus: Mm hmm. Okay.
Harmony: what happens if you ring the bell?
Rozafeen: Ooh, I ring it. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Does it still sound improved?
Tanam: Yeah, it still sounds improved. It's a little bit weird to be ringing it because, as you move your arm, the origin of the light moves, but the destination doesn't.
Don: It either wants us to go towards the light or towards the darkness.
Vafrus: Hmm. Let's try darkness first. We travel for a thousand miles away from where the light is pointing.
Don: That should only take a few minutes.
Vafrus: okay, can we follow the light? Light obviously is where we want to go, right? Is it pointing through a wall or something?
Tanam: Yeah, so, as it goes up and down and moves around a little bit, the source moves, but where it is pointing doesn't change.
Vafrus: Alright. How does everyone feel about following the light?
Don: I mean, the light could go on kinda forever, it's light, it moves pretty quick.
Rozafeen: I don't have other plans.
Vafrus: okay. We can pack up a bunch of sheets to go and then follow the light.
Don: I definitely think that we should pack some sheets.
Tanam: Can I have everyone roll a Perception check, please?
Don: 18.
Harmony: 14.
Rozafeen: 22.
Vafrus: Yeah, I got a, I got a one. I rolled a 3, minus 2 is 1.
Tanam: so not in that one, at least
Vafrus: Calumn, unaware that his friends aren't following, is like, walking out into the street. "Where's that light, anyway? It's supposed to be, oh..."
Don: Yeah, that's fine.
Tanam: Okay, Hellena first, but eventually everybody else except for Calumn, slash Ruffort sees out the window. You're looking at the wall where the light is shining. You keep on glancing at the window, and there's a lot of birds out there. Way more than usual.
Don: The same kind of birds that we've been, uh, "dealing with," and by that I mean, possibly seducing.
Tanam: It's always been a bunch of different types of birds, and it has been a lot before. It is just more than that, now. Even more birds.
Harmony: Okay. I don't mind going up to the birds. "Hey, what are you looking at?"
Tanam: are you doing Speak with Animals or anything?
Harmony: yeah, I should probably throw in a Speak with Animals.
Vafrus: Just chat with the birds.
Don: I like that this is a DM upsell. Can I interest you in using a spell slot? It's our special today. Ah-
Tanam: Well, I mean, you just had that nice long rest, so...
Vafrus: Cast one spell, get the effect you want.
Tanam: Absolutely free! After you've paid this little slot. Okay, yeah. You throw open the window and say hi to the birds. And now with your head vaguely out the window, it is not just a few. I think we said like a hundred before? There are easily hundreds of birds. On the ground, on structures, there's birds lined up. As soon as you open the window, there's a bunch sitting on the windowsill now.
Harmony: Do you want my autograph? One at a time, form a line.
Tanam: You hear mutterings; the birds are discussing something but you can't quite hear it from here. But the ones here say, "Uh, I don't know, we're- we're not here for autographs."
Harmony: Oh. Pictures?
Don: No. No pictures, please.
Tanam: "We're here to- I believe the instructions are- 'send a message.'"
Harmony: Great, I love messages.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: message not received.
Don: What are the birds saying, Urekas?
Harmony: Caw!
Don: Oh, thank you. I, I didn't realize from the sound that they made.
Harmony: So they have a message. I'm trying to figure out the message, but then you interrupted it.
Don: I see. Well, I guess carry on.
Vafrus: Oh, maybe we're supposed to send the message.
Harmony: Oh. Wait. Do you want send a message to the Sorceress?
Vafrus: Let's send a message to the Sorceress by overwhelming her house with a million birds. That should do it.
Don: Sounds like her house already had a million birds. 'Cuz who else sends a lot of birds?
Harmony: I look at the bird. "Sorry, the humans are being silly. Do you have a message for us?"
Don: You better be speaking bird.
Harmony: Caw.
Vafrus: He, he, he,
Tanam: "Hmm, how to explain this? Uh, so look around."
Harmony: I feel like this bird is being condescending, but continue.
Tanam: "So, can you see how many birds there are?"
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: There's a lot of us, huh?
Harmony: Uh, yes.
Tanam: Yeah. We are the message.
Harmony: Ohhhhh. Okay, so kind of like art. Because I'm also a message for a lot of people and animals.
Vafrus: Love that inclusion. Well done.
Harmony: Thank you. Okay. The birds come in peace, everybody.
Don: Oh, good.
Rozafeen: Well, great. Let's go follow this light. Maybe get some snacks.
Harmony: Alright.
Don: Uh, Urekas, are these your birds? 'Cuz you got a lot more.
Harmony: I mean, I don't like to say I own the birds. The birds have free will, just like my followers.
Rozafeen: feathered followers?
Harmony: I mean, are they mine?
Vafrus: They just happen to be following you
Harmony: Mm hmm. Because they're smart.
Don: I'm just gonna take that as you have this situation under control.
Harmony: Sure do.
Tanam: Okay, do you head on outside?
Harmony: Yeah, and I tell the birds, "follow me."
Tanam: They're like, "Yes, we're going to but like, we're not- ugh. We're following you, but we're not following you, if that makes sense."
Harmony: I just caw back, like, "yeah, caw caw."
Tanam: The bird says, "Hey, there's no need to be condescending, we're just doing our jobs here."
Vafrus: They got the most articulate bird in the world to be like the spokesman. They're like, "Okay, last time we tried to talk, it didn't go well."
Rozafeen: This is a job for Jimmy.
Tanam: Send Smart Jimmy! Okay,
do you close the window?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, I'll close the window.
Tanam: Okay, Smart Jimmy gets on the other side of the window and is inside the room with you, flapping around-
Harmony: cool.
Tanam: -trying to stay out of the way of Justice.
Vafrus: Feels little bit dumb, huh, Smart Jimmy? Might need to re-evaluate that name.
Tanam: Smart Jimmy flies up into a corner to stay away from Justice, hopefully.
Rozafeen: Justice starts walking over to the corner and chasing- like paw up into the air. I'm like, "We're gonna go have real breakfast. Don't play with that."
Harmony: Jimmy can go on my shoulder.
Vafrus: we're adopting Jimmy, I approve.
Tanam: Jimmy is like, "Um, hwheah. I guess this technically counts." And sits on your shoulder.
Harmony: Awwww.
Don: Is he friendly?
Harmony: Uh, Yeah?
Don: Does he want some coffee?
Harmony: Oh! "Caw caw caw caw?"
Tanam: Are you saying "Caw caw caw caw," or are you actually asking if he wants coffee?
Harmony: I'm asking!
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: How dare you.
Don: Well, you don't speak bird Tanam.
Vafrus: Just don't use the spell that's already going, you're just like, "meh?"
Tanam: Jimmy says, "Um, no thanks? But I guess thanks for offering."
Harmony: Oh, you're welcome.
Tanam: "I'm on the job here."
Don: I can't speak bird, but, um, you know, he's welcome.
Harmony: Okay. "Georg says, you're welcome," and I tell Georg, "I'll take a coffee to go."
Don: Yeah, I give the coffee I was trying to give to the bird to Urekas. I guess.
Harmony: Thank you.
Tanam: Okay, you head on out. And-
Vafrus: You find Calumn outside, deeply confused about where his friends went. They all vanished somehow.
Tanam: Heh. Yep.
Vafrus: He thinks they might have all turned into birds.
Tanam: So, they all come out.
Vafrus: Ah! You're not birds! Excellent!
Don: Uh, were we supposed to be birds?
Vafrus: I don't think so. I've, I was afraid maybe I turned you into birds, but it's, it's fine.
Don: Can you turn us into birds?
Vafrus: Obviously.
Don: I knew it!
Tanam: So, there are a lot of birds out here. You all now see just how many, and Hellena- carrying that 21 forward- you also note that, coming from the north, there are a pack of five Giant lizards. they're not running, but they are walking in a weird formation.
Harmony: Hey, lizards! Why are you walking like that?
Rozafeen: She's talking to lizards.
Vafrus: Run, lizards, run! You don't understand!
Don: She's done some terrible things in the past. To lizards, I mean.
Rozafeen: Also, don't loan her any money.
Harmony: Hey!
Tanam: While- While we're shitting on Urekas... the front lizard yells, "We're here to send a message!"
Harmony: Great! What's the message?
Vafrus: Start shaking the lizard until he tells you.
Tanam: This lizard is no Smart Jimmy. "I don't really get it, it's just that we're here and and we're sending a message."
Vafrus: "Oh guys, we forgot the message! We gotta go back!"
Harmony: You don't have to go back. I'm glad you're here! Follow me!
Tanam: "We're gonna follow you, but not because you told us to."
Harmony: That's what they all say at first.
Don: Honestly, that's what said at first, too.
Rozafeen: So we've got a whole menagerie following this light?
Vafrus: Yep, we're following the light now. This menagerie apparently got past all the guards and everything. Luckily, we can vouch for them now. "Oh, they're with us. So it's fine."
Tanam: There was a basket of apples by the front door, for guests on their way out for the day.
Rozafeen: Yep, that whole basket's ours now.
Don: I'll slice off a piece and see if Smart Jimmy wants one.
Tanam: Okay. When you slice off a piece of one of the apples, there are worms in there.
Don: Gross. You want a worm, Smart Jimmy?
Tanam: Yeah, smart Jimmy's down for that.
Harmony: Cute!
Don: Uhhh. So, I can't help but think that the message might not be as friendly as Urekas would like it to be.
Harmony: what do you mean?
Don: Okay, a bunch of birds; lizards that Urekas has famously not gotten along with.
Harmony: Well, maybe they're trying to apologize.
Don: Okay, "Send a message" doesn't say, "Apologize."
Harmony: I mean, they're not specific about what the message is.
Don: You know what, that's fair, and I don't really know lizard psychology. But, um, the rotten apples kind of clinch the deal, don't they?
Harmony: Well, the apples were for the birds, right?
Don: Uhhhhh for guests.
Rozafeen: It's fine, we'll just have to stop for some snacks on the way. That was the plan anyway.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Rozafeen: Lizards can fend for themselves food-wise. Justice, don't eat anybody.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, can we see where the flashlight is pointing now that we're, like, outside?
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Or are there too many birds, like, blocking the beam?
Tanam: it's pointing southeast, so right now it just shines into the wall.
Vafrus: Oh but we're outside now, though, aren't we? Like, we finally- we- we left the hotel, come on!
Tanam: Yes, you're in front of the hotel.
Vafrus: Okay, we go around hotel till we can see where the light goes.
Tanam: it's, it's, it's around the, around the Hall. But yeah, sure.
Vafrus: Okay.
Harmony: Oh, also, are the birds flying? Or are they doing the weird thing where they kind of walk-hop even though they can fly?
Tanam: There's a lot of them, so they're doing lots of different things. There's upsettingly large groups of them that are walk hopping in unison, but occasionally, groups of them will get up and fly around in a circle and then come back down and land. They're anticipating the direction that you're going; flying in little groups, so that they can sit still and you'll walk by them.
Vafrus: How much attention have we attracted with our menagerie and beam of light that we're-
Tanam: Yeah, you're shining this beam of light around and the people who walk by are clearly freaking out and ducking into wherever they can find that isn't exposed.
Tanam: And as you're walking along, the sky darkens.
Rozafeen: The clouds are sending a message.
Tanam: Yeah, there's dark rain clouds. These are clouds that should have already dumped all of their rain. It is in a maybe 100 foot wide bank of clouds?
Vafrus: Like, directly over us?
Tanam: The sky above you darkens, yes.
Vafrus: This little column.
Harmony: I don't have Talk to Clouds.
Rozafeen: I have Predict Weather.
Vafrus: Me too, right now.
Rozafeen: So, seriously, what's the weather for the next 24 hours?
Tanam: So the natural weather is warm and clear.
Harmony: If I shoot an arrow at the clouds, will it start to rain?
Tanam: So you are going to fire an arrow directly upwards?
Harmony: Yeah.
Rozafeen: Attack the darkness/clouds.
Don: What can possibly go wrong?
Harmony: Oh, and I yell, "Watch out!" to the birds and lizards.
Vafrus: That might fall down.
Harmony: Watch out twice.
Tanam: Okay. Roll an attack against the cloud.
Don: I knew this encounter was going to involve combat.
Harmony: Ten.
Tanam: Yep. It hits that cloud and then it comes back down and barely misses you.
Harmony: Okay, I think that went well.
Rozafeen: Let's go.
Tanam: The clouds are, in response- well seemingly in response its hard to say with clouds- but they were kinda high up and they have moved downwards; they scoot down a bit.
Harmony: You know what? That just makes us look even more epic.
Vafrus: It really does. we're walking through this town...
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: People are looking as you walk.
Vafrus: Is there wind blowing? Sweeping the cloaks and so forth, whipping around as we're, like, heroic? If not, I'm gonna make my illusion be like I'm the only one who's standing in wind.
Tanam: Okay, as I told Rozafeen, it's light winds, so not enough to make cloaks whip.
Vafrus: Yep, I'm somehow standing in much more wind than the rest of you.
Harmony: Wow.
Tanam: You look very epic.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Harmony: Yeah, that wind looks really good on you.
Vafrus: Oh, thank you!
Don: Alright, I'm starting to get nervous, everybody, so maybe we check out this light? Yeah?
Harmony: Yeah, let's follow
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, follow the light.
Don: That's never been a bad idea before.
Tanam: As you move around to get an idea of where it goes, it seems to be pointing to the southeast, and it seems to just keep going, way off into the distance, as far as you can see, and Hellena can see very far.
Vafrus: And we think this light is shining on the culprit, right? That's the best guess we have of what the whole deal with the light is?
Tanam: something like that. Yeah.
Vafrus: So that means they can probably see it. Wherever they are, in their house or something, and there's this light shining through the window, and they're like, "What the?!"
Harmony: By "they," are you referring to everybody? Like, the townspeople?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, also everybody who can see it all along the way is gonna be like, "huh. What's with the birds and the light and the clouds?"
Rozafeen: So, rather than taking multiple days to walk wherever it is we're going, I think we might want to consider alternate transportation.
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: What do you mean?
Vafrus: Yeah, cause you said, it's just like going out across the desert, right?
Tanam: Yup.
Rozafeen: Yeah, and I mean, you all know what's in that direction, right?
Tanam: Well, so the Sorceress was to the east directly.
Rozafeen: Yeah, that's not what I meant.
Tanam: Oh, okay.
Don: What did you mean?
Vafrus: You think the Sorceress has like travelled slightly south first and then done all of this stuff, yeah that probably makes sense. Oh, that's why! That's why there's the birds and the clouds, it's because we got a light shining on the Sorceress, she's mad about it.
Don: We've been keeping her up through her bedroom window the entire time.
Vafrus: the light's only been going for a minute, but she's on the ball.
Harmony: And she doesn't have the curtains anymore, so...
Vafrus: no curtains! Clever, Tanam, well done!
Rozafeen: I mean, that's not the direction of the Sorceress's Tower, it's direction of a population center. So just statistically, someone who did something bad probably lives in a population center.
Don: The only population center I know is all the way over in Klaoil.
Rozafeen: Yeah...?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like half-way across the continent.
Don: Exactly.
Rozafeen: I think
that's where we're going, guys. Folks. Birds?
Don: I know you can see really far, but like, that's pushing it.
Rozafeen: I'm not saying that I can see all the way there.
Vafrus: Urekas! Ask your birds to go see where the light's shining. There we go.
Harmony: Okay. "Hey birds! Where's the light going?"
Tanam: "Uh. We're supposed to stay with you. That's part of sending the message."
Harmony: Yeah, while staying with us, where's the light going?
Tanam: "That way?"
Harmony: Yeah, the birds think Klaoil.
Rozafeen: Smart-ass Jimmy, that's what I'm saying.
Vafrus: Wow, Jimmy's really smart.
Don: Alright.
Vafrus: Oh man, Kloyal's so far away.
Don: It is really far. That's gonna be a hike.
Rozafeen: Let's get a ride.
Vafrus: How's that work? Can we like, oh, what if we fashion the birds into a giant kite?
Don: We could hook 'em all up to it and we could ride 'em likea giant uh, carriage.
Rozafeen: Alright, I'm going to need all of you to not speak and follow me to the catapults.
Don: Okay, but why can't we speak?
Rozafeen: Because the ideas keep getting worse and worse, Give yourself two minutes, and if you have the urge to say anything about strapping us to a group of birds that is loyal to a Sorceress, think for another minute.
Harmony: Alright, I'm covering my mouth with my hands right now and just following you.
Rozafeen: I march off to the nearest catapult site.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Georg, meanwhile, is back with Calumn going, "Okay, so, I know we're gonna need a lot of these sheets. Uh, and how many birds do you think it takes to hold one worth of weight?
Vafrus: Yes. Oh, I'm in. Although it sounded like we might be able to use these catapults to get us started. Let's-
Don: Oh yeah, but we're probably need some extra momentum, right?
Harmony: Or we can land softly on the sheets that the birds will have prepared, waiting for us like a fluffy pillow.
Vafrus: Yes, all the ideas, all the above. Yeah, okay, we'll sketching it on one of the sheets that I brought.
Tanam: Okay. So you head down towards the shore, where the catapult field is. Can you tell me what it looks like, Rozafeen?
Rozafeen: It's pretty flat and empty except for this little hut where they check people in and there's a warehouse on the side where they have big packages of coffee and I just march right up to the hut and I wave and I look at everybody behind me and I say, coincidentally, his name is also Jimmy. "Hey Jimmy! We have uh... several people who are ready to take a ride. We're aiming for Klaoil, please.
Tanam: "Oh! Hellena!"
Rozafeen: Hi!
Tanam: "It's been... Uh, how long has it been? Oh, man. Anyhow, well, uh, how many of you? Okay, yeah, mm..."
Vafrus: I'm like, "The lizards are buying their own ticket."
Harmony: Okay. We want Jimmy to ride with us.
Tanam: Uh, no I need to stay here to operate the catapult.
Don: Oh, no, she means bird Jimmy.
Harmony: I meant Smart Jimmy. No, we should say "Bird Jimmy.
Vafrus: We meant smart Jimmy.
Rozafeen: So we've got one cheetah, one bird on a shoulder, one self involved cult leader.
Harmony: I just look around, "Where?"
Rozafeen: One... " prince.".
Vafrus: How many followers are you gonna bring, Urekas?
Harmony: probably just seven.
Rozafeen: We're gonna need the extra large crate, Jimmy. "
Tanam: "Yeah, yeah, um, okay."
Vafrus: The rest of you, work on this bird kite idea; it's very clever.
Don: I feel like it has a lot of potential.
Rozafeen: I told you to think before you said that out loud again.
Tanam: "Oh yeah, we've got a couple of, uh, larger crates in the back. yeah, let me take care of it." And heads out of the shack and heads over to the warehouse and, there's a little path and they roll this big crate out to the catapult, which is there and ready.
Don: How long does that whole thing take?
Tanam: just a minute.
Don: Okay. during that time, Georg's gonna try to explain the mechanical engineering required to lash up a bunch of birds to a kite and/or carriage, uh, to the rest of the followers, just in case they can join us. Cause, I mean, you know.
Tanam: Oh, I see. So the ones who are not among the seven?
Don: Yeah, so, I want to describe, you know, just how they're gonna need to do the calculations required to figure out how many birds it takes.
Tanam: Okay, did we, uh, did we say that your Arcana is basically a Mechanics?
Don: Yeah, we can go with that.
Tanam: Yeah, okay, go ahead and, give me a roll of that.
Don: Uh, Nat 20, so it's a 24.
Tanam: Nice. You explain it in a way that they actually follow.
Don: This is awesome.
Vafrus: They start actually building it.
Tanam: Georg's explanation is good enough that it's sufficient.
Vafrus: Yeah, I think it's a fail upward sort of situation where the, the chicken scratches are meaningless to me, but to them.
Tanam: They head off the field and start trying to catch birds.
Vafrus: Yeeeeesssss. Your instructions are to follow. This is how you do it. Alright, bye!
Tanam: So Jimmy, not the bird, comes back and is like, "okay, we're all ready to go!"
Rozafeen: Justice walks up to Jimmy, raises her paw, and shows Jimmy the toe bean side, makes kind of a high five motion.
Tanam: Jimmy, uh, smiles and lightly gives Justice a high five, avoiding the claws. "Yeah, uh, have a good trip!" Directs you towards the catapult.
Rozafeen: I climb into the catapult, and I lovingly set my "world's best employee" mug of featherfall into the holder.
Tanam: Nice. the crate shudders, and there's a pulse coming out from the mug, and the mug starts glowing. That is your confirmation that it is engaged and ready to go.
Rozafeen: Okay, so, we made it clear to the lizards that they can't come. I assume that the birds didn't follow us into the hut, other than smart Jimmy, right?
Tanam: Yeah, so smart Jimmy is on Urekas's shoulder still. Everybody else is running away from followers who are industriously trying to catch them. A few of the followers have taken the sheet with the instructions and are trying to use it like a net. But, so one thing about this that you definitely remember is how fast it takes off; it goes faster than birds.
Harmony: Oh wow.
Tanam: So you've put in your mug, it's glowing. What's the procedure like?
Rozafeen: We're ready to rock. The crate experience is sort of like- so out in the Fyoos we have a thing called a ferris wheel, where there's a big bucket that you sit in and you go around and you're like, "Wooo!" I don't know if you all have that out here. I haven't seen one locally, but so anyway, so the crate experience is like that. You sit inside and you can see all around and you get to relax and go "whee!" while you go really, really fast.
Harmony: That sounds fun.
Don: I think I can handle that. Uh, you're saying that we're being flung into the air by this giant catapult here.
Rozafeen: Uh-huh.
Don: And there's presumably a way that we get caught and land nice and soft and don't all die.
Rozafeen: That is correct.
Vafrus: Yeah! Got the mug! Didn't you see the mug?
Don: I'm sorry, a mug?
Rozafeen: Yeah, you've heard of Featherfall, right? This whole crate. I gotcha.
Harmony: Cool!
Don: Uh, I don't trust this experience.
Harmony: We have to say, "Wheee!"
Rozafeen: It's this or the birds and the clouds, my friend.
Don: Ohh-kay...
Vafrus: I sit in whatever is the front most seat. I want to be like nearest the incoming wind. I'm ready to go.
Tanam: Speaking of clouds, by the way, dark cloud has followed you and is getting lower, and non bird Jimmy is looking at it nervously.
Harmony: All right, well, I just look at Non Bird Jimmy and I'm like, "Don't worry about it, it's just a message."
Tanam: He's like, "okay!" Gives you a thumbs up.
Rozafeen: Jimmy is not paid to worry about this.
Vafrus: I'm standing there, robes whipping in the illursary wind. Thundercloud above. Army of birds all around. And I look up and I'm like, can we get some lightning? Come on! What's your deal? Don't make me waste my own spell slots! Have at it!
Harmony: Can you speak cloud?
Vafrus: Apparently not. I don't think any lightning comes, but maybe, uh, DM?
Don: You know those don't talk, right? Like, those are not sentient beings.
Vafrus: I'm just, I feel like it should be obvious, and the cloud is, you know, not with it.
Tanam: Okay! So I'm assuming there's some sort of two person procedure. Jimmy and Hellena have to engage at the same time, so that everyone's in agreement that it's time to get flung into the air faster than birds. "Ready when you are!"
Rozafeen: We're ready, Jimmy!
Tanam: "Okay. Go!"
Harmony: Wheeeeeee!
Tanam: You guys are launched into the air, upsettingly fast. You expect that it would feel strange, but it doesn't. it's almost like you're not moving at all in terms of the physical feelings of it. but the world is streaking by.
Vafrus: I understand. The catapult launched the world away from us. Now, that's clever. That's pretty good.
Vafrus: Can I look down and see if this flashlight actually points to where I think the Sorceress's tower is as we like go by it?
Tanam: You fly up through the cloud, and it stays behind, as do a lot of the birds, but the light is shining off, continuing to be pointed towards the southeast. And as you zoom along over the landscape, it's becoming more and more clear that it's not the tower.
Don: Guess it wasn't the Sorceress after all.
Vafrus: It's a good thing; it would have been really awkward if we had to come back.
Don: I do really like this form transportation, though. I believe that, uh, I may have to make a prototype. You said you knew this Jimmy in, uh, In there? Does he engineer these?
Rozafeen: No, Jimmy's just an operator. There's a whole system of these.
Don: Know any engineers? Of these?
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm sure somebody designed them, but I just ride them, deliver the coffee, and collect the money.
Don: Hmm.
Tanam: So before long you intersect with the Bridge Road, and off in the distance you can see the mountains where Urekas grew up.
Harmony: Wow!
Tanam: It's mostly desert along here. There's inns and things along the Bridge Road, there's not a whole lot of larger settlements, but it starts to get more grasslandy, and, you see some farms, and then you slowly head downwards. And then you see Klaoil. As you approach, you notice you're slowing down, and the mug of Featherfall is glowing more intensely. And, um, I'm going to put on my second glaze here, a map that I made. Can you guys see that? Um,
Rozafeen: droppin' stuff.
Tanam: Sorry. There it is. There it is. Okay,
Don: Yeah, we can see it.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: So yeah, this is Klaoil, circa 2667, the year that you guys are there. You can see there's a kind of a diagonal dotted line path heading towards the catapult field. And that's the direction that your box is coming in. And, as you pass by the Bridge Knight headquarters, the light, it was pointing more and more south, and now it's pointing southwest.
Vafrus: Can we see in the unobstructed distance, what it's pointing at, roughly?
Tanam: Yep, there is a building way down, near the border of the Bridgelands, by that forest down there.
Vafrus: Oh, sweet! And you've got the mug of Featherfall, so we can hop off early, right? Let's, let's just go!
Rozafeen: no, no, no, the mug stays attached to the crate. Oh my goodness.
Don: that should work, right?
Rozafeen: The crate was launched, we're on a trajectory, the mug is connected to the crate. You guys saw everything glow, right? You saw glow, you saw it glow, you saw it glow. Stay in the crate.
Vafrus: I mean, this is very good, Hellena. I, I gotta admit, this is very cool. And thank you for bringing us on this awesome trip! But the bird kite could have landed wherever we wanted.
Rozafeen: Aaaand I'm out.
Don: I'm betting the bird crate might have been a little slower.
Vafrus: yeah, probably slower. And now that I'm thinking about it, probably we couldn't have controlled it at all. It would have landed wherever it wanted.
Don: Yeah, it probably would have tried to send a message or something.
Rozafeen: In all seriousness, I do have to head out.
Tanam: yeah, you land in the catapult field, very softly, and the person who comes out and greets you is your old friend Goose!
Rozafeen: Goose! What's happening?
Tanam: Hellena! How you doin'?
Rozafeen: Pretty good? Every safe landing is a good landing?
Don: Wait, what? There are unsafe landings?
Rozafeen: Very very rare. This is safer than riding a horse. It's fine.
Tanam: And on that, I'll leave you in Klaoil!
Harmony: Yay. Thanks, Hellena!
Vafrus: I Eldritch Blast Goose.
Rozafeen: Leave goose alone.
Vafrus: Okay.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: My fingers are very talented.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: This is officially my favorite retcon.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Okay. I got the religion out of my mouth.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Did you know that there was a spider attack?
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: I said lots of things in there, there are many details.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Don: Hold on a second. So like, point of order here. Flashlight. Is that a thing in this world? Because we have been saying it a lot.
Tanam: It is definitely a thing in this world.
Don: Perfect.
Tanam: Not at the time that we are at, but it is a thing that we have now. Because otherwise, it's going to be a hell of an editing job.
Don: Yeah it is.