The Intern: Hi everyone, welcome back to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, the Intern.
So, weirdly, everything's kind of okay.
Well, not everything, obviously, but like, the coffee bean was the
only thing that fell on the world, and that had... already happened?
I'm oscillating between trying to figure out how it all worked and
trying hard not to think about it.
The chronoscope seems fine, but I'm not allowed to use it anymore,
which, honestly, is a-okay with me.
I don't want to touch that thing.
Someone came in and, like, edited out the edit button.
They physically removed it and put a little plate over the hole
where the button used to be, and it almost seems like it was
never there in the first place.
The weirdest thing is that nothing seems to have changed about the world.
The bean fell in the exact place it was before, and they
still worship me as a god.
I thought that the chronoscope just affected the world, but in
their world, the bean has always been there since it dropped.
And out here in the lab, the bean has been there since I came into the lab.
But like, it can't be a coincidence that it fell in the exact same spot, right?
Right?
Anyway, like I said, inside the world, nothing has changed.
They're still playing, which makes sense, because nothing changed for them.
It was actually kind of comforting to record and edit the previous
episode, and this one too.
I'm loving the way they clandestinely forced the Second
to spill all his secrets.
Mwah!
Sending out a chef's kiss to my boy Ruffort, or should I say Calumn?
Layers upon layers upon layers.
Tanam: Hello!
Don: Hey,
Harmony: Hello.
Rozafeen: I have returned.
Don: No more glaze issues, that's good, that's good.
Tanam: So, who remembers things that happened last time?
Rozafeen: Nope.
Don: There was a last time?
Harmony: I remember taking a nap.
Vafrus: Yeah, that seems about right.
Let's see, we went- didn't we- we spied on Beeb, right?
That- was that last time?
Tanam: No, that was the time before.
oh no no no wait wait wait.
You can sneak over to watch the meeting between Beeb-
Vafrus: yeah, yeah, yeah, that,
Don: Oh, between Beeb and the, the Mindlord.
Tanam: yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Don: And it turned out that the Mindlord was extorting Beeb for money.
Rozafeen: For cookies!
Don: A little protection racket going on.
Harmony: Maybe, The Second?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: Wait, was it Second?
Did I get it wrong?
Tanam: Yes.
Don: Yeah, sorry, you're right, the Second.
The date was with the Mindlord.
Tanam: yes.
Don: The Second-
- Tanam: -was talking to Beeb.
Don: -is an idiot.
Tanam: Yes.
Don: That's right.
Okay.
Tanam: With no more secrets, because he said them all...
Vafrus: Yeahhhh...
Tanam: Well, I guess maybe he managed to get away, before
he spilled all of his secrets.
There's surely a few left.
Don: He managed get away so far.
'Til we catch up with him in his bedroom.
Vafrus: Yeah, 8 hours, baby!
Don: heh heh heh heh heh.
Harmony: Do we remember his secrets?
Vafrus: Yeah, he was extorting Beeb.
Beeb I guess has some kind of illicit selling of something or other going on.
Don: Right, Beeb was selling drugs.
And, the Mind- er, that, not the Mindlord- the Second was
extorting him because of that.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Uh, and the Second was really excited about starting another real estate thing.
He doesn't like The Captain for some reason.
Rozafeen: I think he's just jealous.
Vafrus: Yeah, so the Second doesn't think the Captain should have the
job that they have, but importantly, the Second did not mention anything
about a secret tunnel with a mirror that would incriminate both himself
and the Mindlord, should it be found.
There are two mirrors, one of them's underground, that's the
one where the spiders came from.
One of them leads to the fancy bathroom and it's in the guesthouse.
And the one underground is trying to trick people into thinking the spiders
came out of the one in the guesthouse.
Tanam: I don't know if it's necessarily trying to trick
people, as much as masking it.
Whoever monitors this kind of thing, you're getting messages that there's
an active mirror here, but it's a registered mirror, or whatever.
Vafrus: Ah, so it's not trying to frame the legitimate mirror, it's just
hiding behind the legitimate mirror.
Tanam: Yeah, and I'm not actually sure if you guys worked that out or if I just-
Vafrus: No, we didn't.
I'm like, "no, gotta be..." Either way though, the conclusion is the same.
Can't be... Well, no, no, that is different though, because that means
it could be the Mindlord again.
Tanam: You mean the Second?
Vafrus: The Mindlord.
Tanam: The Mindlord is just staying at the place.
Vafrus: Yeah, but he knows about it, right, like, and he's got a lot of
general authority, and so if that mirror turned out to be the super
illegal one that's producing spiders, he's culpable, or at least suspect.
But, if it turns out people would go in and check the mirror and be like, oh,
actually everything seems legitimate here and we still don't know about
what's going on with the spiders.
Uh, maybe he did bury a mirror under the house where he was staying,
like, if that's how things would go.
Don: But we do have the, uh, the ritual that I'll be doing, well,
we'll be doing, that'll tell us at least some part of that story.
Vafrus: Yeah, that's probably gonna tell us the most information
about who's doing all this.
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: Is there some kind of authority- who runs the casino that, like,
gave us the job in the first place?
Rozafeen: I don't think we go to anybody until we've done the ritual.
Don: Yeah, cuz if it's the Sorceress, I'm definitely stealing all of her stuff
Tanam: The rest of her stuff?
Don: We gave a lot of it back.
Vafrus: And whoever we go to might be the culprit, so, you know, they
just cover it up again, so, you know.
Yeah, alright, let's do it.
Oh, but let's go to sleep first, all of us are real exhausted, and
I used up all my spells again.
By "All my spells," I mean my one spell that I have when I short rest.
Rozafeen: What time is it?
Tanam: Late at night.
Rozafeen: Like a reasonable time for my room service arriving, is what that was.
Don: I want room service.
Rozafeen: Hellena knows how to live.
Tanam: Accepts that she doesn't like sleeping near civilization?
I guess when she has to, she gets room service.
Rozafeen: You know, honestly, it has been so long that I don't remember
if I tried to claim that she hates sleeping near civilization, or
that she simply is good at not.
Don: She sure is good at "is sleeping near civilization," cause she's the only
one that thought to order room service.
Rozafeen: I mean, Justice has curlers.
Don: I just assumed that Justice was the one that was good about civilization.
Vafrus: Oh, Justice is a house cat.
Don: Justice is probably just annoyed by all the time that you spend
outside of the city walls, in a tent.
Vafrus: She's an indoor cheetah.
Rozafeen: No, she just knows how to keep it right and tight in every environment.
Harmony: Does she also order a room service?
So she calls and is like, "I want a heated pillow."
Tanam: I think, if the cheetah shows up at the front desk and is
clearly asking for something, you just give them all the things that
you think a cheetah might want.
Harmony: And he's like, comb, here's some toothpaste.
Rozafeen: She's been there long enough that there's signs that she
can point to: raw meat, fluffy pillow.
Tanam: Throw some coffee grounds on the floor so I can roll in them.
Vafrus: They like her because she has any requests besides "more sheets, please."
Don: I like this, that somehow the cheetah is better liked than we are.
" Harmony: "Somehow."
Don: And more polite.
Tanam: The cheetah is definitely better liked than y'all.
Harmony: it's hard to compete with a cat.
Rozafeen: Yeahhh.
Vafrus: Alright, well Justice may not an indoor kitty, but Calumn is an indoor
dude, so we're gonna go back to the hotel.
Tanam: You're already there, I think.
Vafrus: All right.
Yeah.
If you guys want secrets, you gotta get them, cause I'm gonna go to sleep and
then the spell's gonna end, so- last chance, last call for Second secrets.
Rozafeen: I feel like we're good.
Don: I want more secrets!
Rozafeen: I don't need sloppy Second secrets.
Don: Alright, if nobody else wants secrets, I'm not gonna
go out there on my own.
Vafrus: We all go to bed in Georg's room, of course.
Tanam: Oh, that's right, that's where you hunkered down, right?
Vafrus: that's the place.
Tanam: With all the protected windows and all this kind of stuff.
Rozafeen: Didn't we have to take it down to let the Captain in on one end
and talk to the birds on the other end?
Don: Yeah, I think we unprotected our room.
Tanam: Okay.
Everyone still go to Georg's room anyway?
Harmony: Oh!
Yeah.
Rozafeen: I mean, yeah.
Vafrus: Yeah Yeah, yeah
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I hate you guys.
Rozafeen: We love you.
Don: Alright, uh, love the floor, cause I'm going to this bed.
And then I turn around to find that Urekas is already in it, probably.
Rozafeen: Well, and of course Justice, like that's just established.
Don: I'm fine with Justice.
Justice is the only polite one here.
Tanam: As established.
Harmony: I'm polite.
I'm snoring.
Please make coffee at seven.
Don: That is surprisingly understandable.
Vafrus: Uh, I make myself into a little Ruffort burrito so nobody
can see my face while I'm sleeping using the endless pile of sheets
that I assume have been delivered.
Tanam: Collected.
Harmony: Does the hotel staff just automatically deliver
sheets without being asked?
Vafrus: Surely they just know now.
Tanam: Just like, as soon as we get a clean sheet from anywhere else, we
just throw it in front of your room.
Rozafeen: I think I'm gonna sleep in an "X" because it feels fun.
Tanam: With your arms and legs splayed out?
Rozafeen: Yep.
Tanam: Cool
Rozafeen: Taking up as much space as possible.
Don: Alright, so Georg kinda looks around, and doesn't really see a good spot, and so
Georg is gonna try to go to Urekas's room.
Rozafeen: Good luck with that bed.
Vafrus: Let it be locked.
Harmony: Wait, you're gonna sleep in the same room with all my followers?
Don: Oh, all your followers in there?
Oh, no.
That's not good.
Rozafeen: If you saw a little corner that might look comfy on the carpet,
I spread my "X" a little wider.
You know, just as an accident.
Don: Is Ruffort's room available?
Vafrus: Uh, Ruffort, had he thought of it, he would have locked you out of
it, but it has not been on his mind.
He's, he's tired.
Don: Perfect.
Georg goes over to Ruffort's room, and just crashes on- like,
doesn't even take his armor off.
Crashes on the bed.
Tanam: Does Georg ever take his armor off?
Don: That's true.
He does not.
So I guess that's a little redundant.
Vafrus: The poor bed.
Don: Yeah, whether or not I'm sleeping on a mattress, or, well, I guess either
way it's on a mattress, but a crumpled pile of what used to be the bed, or
the actual bed, I don't really care.
Vafrus: alright.
Don: If Urekas can ruin my bed, like, I'm not too concerned
about the hotel charging us.
Harmony: Wait.
Whadaya mean "ruin"?
Vafrus: By being in it.
Don: I mean, I guess, yeah, nevermind, you ruined your bed by turning the
headboard into a fashion statement.
Harmony: I am going to chop off your headboard tonight.
Don: That's vaguely threatening.
Vafrus: She just knows what you're thinking.
Harmony: Yeah, I have the helm.
Vafrus: That's true!
Tanam: Although, she is asleep,
Vafrus: She just has the dreams and is mad about it.
Tanam: Okay.
Evening passes, without anything waking you up.
To be fair, you guys are all pretty tired.
Vafrus: Wake up amongst my friends!
I have friends to wake up amongst.
Don: I wake up on my own.
Rozafeen: Has privacy to wake up amongst.
Don: Yeah.
Harmony: Yeah, but I'm knocking on your wall though, because coffee.
Don: Okay, yeah, I'll roll out of bed, start the process of
making coffee for everyone.
Tanam: I like that Urekas knows where Georg is, intuitively,
when comes to demanding coffee.
Don: I think six sense for coffee is actually on her character sheet, isn't it?
She can sense coffee in a hundred and twenty foot radius, is that not true?
Harmony: It's absolutely true.
Vafrus: think Ruffort's guard is down enough that for the first time
in perhaps ever he has forgotten to cast his morning Disguise Self
and looks completely different now.
He's this skinny, scrawny dirty kid who doesn't look
anything like Ruffort anymore.
Tanam: Hellena saw a little bit of that, previously.
Vafrus: Yeah, Urekas also, like, reached through the illusion at one point.
Perhaps everyone but Georg already has figured it out.
Rozafeen: I don't think we saw the full display before, though, so I'm gonna like
dig into my pack and hand you a sandwich.
You talked about how scrawny looking you are.
Vafrus: Yeah, I'll happily take a sandwich, wow, my friend just gives
me a sandwich, wow, yeah, I'll- thank you, I'll start eating the sandwich.
Oh yeah, I've been giving myself haircuts, you know, for years And by haircuts,
I mean if it seems too long, I'll hack off the piece that's in the way.
Rozafeen: let me see my skill base in this area is.
Don: Meanwhile, Georg walks in with the coffee and then goes,
"Wait, who the hell is he?"
Vafrus: I'll like look around to see, you know, who you're talking
about and I, I, I don't catch on.
Don: I just, like, shake my head and I hand you a cup of coffee, because I
have that many cups of coffee, sooo.
I don't want to hold it.
And then I, you know, spread some grounds on the floor for Justice.
Vafrus: Alright, yeah, enjoy my coffee.
My clothes are stained with every meal I've had.
For weeks.
Tanam: And Georg can you give me a Perception roll?
Don: Yeah.
Two.
Tanam: ha, okay.
There's just some guy.
Rozafeen: Maybe it's a new follower.
Tanam: Not sure why the follower gets coffee-
Don: I just sort of shake my head and assume It's fine.
Harmony: Well, I'm reading your mind, "oh hey, a new follower!" So I get
excited, can I roll for Perception?
Vafrus: I am like unabashedly just staring at Urekas whenever she
like enters my field of vision,
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Normally, I can do that without being creepy because
like the illusion, you know.
Tanam: Okay.
Roll a perception check.
Harmony: Twelve.
Tanam: Twelve.
Okay.
You realize that Georg thinks that Calumn is a follower.
Harmony: Ohhh.
Vafrus: Not completely wrong, really.
Like...
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: So while this is going on, I would like to try
to use Mend on the haircut.
I just want to see what happens.
Tanam: There's not usually a roll involved with Mend, right?
Rozafeen: Yeah, usually it's like, you know, "yay, that broken
club is less broken" or whatever.
Vafrus: So, there's a house rule that I like, which is that you can
cast Mend at higher spell slots if you want, and it does more.
Tanam: The question here is a question of taste.
Rozafeen: I think the unevenness is the core problem for Hellena.
It can all be short, it can all be long, she just wants it to match.
Don: if you're trying to fix the hair, I have all these, uh, mending bots, too.
And a little robot comes out with a giant pair- well, giant
for the robot- Uh, scissors.
Another one crawls out with another pair of scissors and a comb but
they look absolutely nightmarish.
Rozafeen: I was gonna say, that's either adorable or horrifying.
Harmony: Well how's the robot's hair?
Don: It does not have hair.
Vafrus: Alright.
So you've actively cast a spell on me, and Georg has produced
this nightmare robot thing.
I'm gonna roll to see if I can figure out that there's anything wrong.
Rozafeen: Has Georg pulled out the robots, or is he just informing
the group that they exist?
Don: I informed by pulling them out, right?
I said, "oh, uh, if you're trying to fix his hair, I got these. That's how
I do my own hair." And then the robots run around up in my head and like, pull
out a piece of hair, like, slice it off, and I get a little tiny cut on the
top of my head from it, but, it's fine.
Vafrus: Alright, well I got a 7 on either Perception or Insight, they're
the same for me, so I still can't figure out that y'all are talking about
me; I think there's nothing wrong.
Silly Georg with his little robot thing.
Don: I don't even know who you are this point.
Tanam: Okay, as you're sitting there, chunks of your hair
just fall into your lap.
Vafrus: A lot of weird stuff has been happening to me lately, so I'm
gonna quickly cast Prestidigitation to clean that up so nobody notices.
which will advance my weirdness.
Rozafeen: And I go, oh, so much better, and you don't know if it's about
the Prestidigitation or the hair.
Vafrus: a natural 20 on beating my weirdness check.
know, yeah, don't know that that does anything, but it's a nat 20!
Tanam: Yeah, I think it doesn't up your track.
Vafrus: Okay.
Don't advance.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Alright!
Free spell!
Whatever is causing my magic to go wonky is doing weird things to my hair.
Luckily nobody noticed.
I look around to see if anybody noticed.
Tanam: We're gonna carry forward that earlier roll and no, they didn't.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Everything is fine.
Rozafeen: I'm whistling.
Don: So, what's with the new follower, and why is that follower slovenly, and, why
did we just give that follower a haircut?
Vafrus: I'm trying to remember any new followers that might have shown up.
Harmony: Well...
Vafrus: Some of them are pretty slovenly for sure, so that makes sense, yeah.
Harmony: How dare you.
Rozafeen: I walk over to Georg.
I pat him on the armored shoulder and I say, "No one's in the
bathroom. Think about who's here."
Tanam: Go ahead, Georg, roll an Insight.
Vafrus: Ohh, is your Insight also bad?
Don: Oh!
You know what?
16.
Tanam: You get it.
Don: uh?
Hey, uh... Ruffort?
Vafrus: "Yeah?"
Don: Okay.
Vafrus: The voice doesn't, like, match.
I've specifically trained myself to speak like a little deeper, a little bigger
than the emaciated toothpick before you.
Tanam: So the voice sounds like Ruffort?
Vafrus: Yeah.
I, always talk like Ruffort.
Yeah.
Don: Oh, I figured you were disguising your voice too, okay, okay, so, I, I
go, "oh, you're just, uh, looking real different today. Planning on doing
some... reconnaissance somewhere...?"
Vafrus: If you specifically mention my looks, I'm gonna try ta fix the illusion,
and then notice that there's no illusion.
I'm just like, "Oh no, OH NO!"
Rozafeen: Don't worry!
The haircut looks great.
Don: Georg kinda looks at it sideways and I'm like, "uh, yeah. Great."
Vafrus: I try to cast teleport.
I don't have any teleport spell.
So what I actually do is I cast Prestidigitation to make a big poof of
smoke and then I run into the bathroom.
Rozafeen: I'm like listen, whatever emotionally you're going through, I'm sure
it's very important, but I'm gonna need that bathroom in a couple of just FYI.
Don: uh, I guess, I hope the coffee was good.
Harmony: Maybe he just wants to look in the mirror to admire his new haircut.
Rozafeen: Oh, that's fair.
Vafrus: Ooo!
And I got a natural 1 to beat the weirdness, so now
a weirdness effect happens.
Tanam: I was gonna let you just carry it, but-
Don: But this is way better.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: So, I try to cast Teleport, and what actually happens... Alright, 75,
roll again, but randomly change one of the words in the result to a random different
word and then implement that result.
The new roll is 38.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: And that's how you cast Prest-de-dick-ication.
Tanam: K. Roll again, but subtract each digit separately from 11.
Vafrus: right.
But first this has to have a word change.
So
Rozafeen: This is ridiculous.
Tanam: Okay, so 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, we'll roll a 10, and, okay, 2.
So, instead of "again," let me, uh-
Vafrus: This is ridiculous.
I agree,
Tanam: okay, "random march," so roll "march" but subtract
each digit separately from 11.
So clearly roll Dexterity.
Vafrus: but subtract each digit separately from 11.
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: Sure.
Sure.
I'm going to try to roll how good I am at marching.
Three minus two is one.
Tanam: 11 minus 1 is 10, so that gets us "the PC and all of their equipment
touching them glows a sickly green, as bright as a torch. Roll a 1d4 and a 1d6."
Vafrus: Okay.
The D4 is a two.
The D6 is a six.
Tanam: Sickly green for... six minutes.
Vafrus: Okay.
So I- I try to teleport.
There's a big poof of smoke and then I'm glowing like blistering bright green as
I'm like trying to get into the bathroom.
Rozafeen: I'm like, okay, maybe he does need it more.
Don: My coffee has never done this before.
I mean, it's made people go to the bathroom, but not like this.
Harmony: Maybe he's just nervous about my beauty, so he's turning green.
He's going to throw up.
It happens.
Don: I like that you're just used to this.
Tanam: especially the glowing green and the poof of smoke.
normal occurrences around Urekas.
Don: Yeah, I almost turned green and threw up when I first met you.
Harmony: I'm gonna ignore that.
Don: Yeah, I know.
Rozafeen: I knock on the door and I'm like "Alright, man.
However long you wanna take to shower, or... whatever.
That's cool.
I'm gonna go use the restroom before we do our ritual thing."
Don: Ruffort's room is open.
Vafrus: All right.
Yeah.
I'll open the door.
Now looking like Ruffort, I'll make up an obvious lie about some vagrant
coming into the bathroom just now.
Tanam: You're still glowing green.
Vafrus: Still glowing green, yeah, like shining green as Ruffort.
Don: A sickly green though, not like a nice green.
Vafrus: Mhm.
Don: Ruffort, A, we know that was you.
And B- hold on, I should roll an Insight for this.
me, let me-
Rozafeen: I wanna know what B is.
Don: oh yeah, 20, okay, yeah.
A, we know that was you.
And B, are you a gross green.
Vafrus: I try to cast this spell again to make the green go away.
Don: Ahhhii!
Does it have, like, any kind of somatic components?
Vafrus: Uh, the spell that I'm casting?
Don: Yeah.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don: Can I grab his hands?
while he's trying to cast the spell?
Tanam: Give me a Dexterity check.
Don: whoa, 19.
That was not how I was expecting that to turn out.
Tanam: can you beat 19, Ruffort?
Vafrus: Uh, not with a, ooh!
Nope, not with a natural one, I can't!
Tanam: so Georg reaches out to stop Ruffort from casting.
Ruffort is in mid swing, stubs his, finger on Georg's armor.
Vafrus: My casting hand!
Tanam: And then, like, balls up a bit to "ow," and hits his head on Georg's chest.
Don: I'm just gonna turn that into what hopefully is interpreted
as a hug, but is in full armor.
I just go, it's okay, Ruffort.
You don't have to fix it.
Vafrus: Awww, that's that's the nicest thing anyone did.
Okay, Illusion fades.
I'm just like, sobbing.
I'm just like, uuuhhhhhhhhh Like, the grossest mess, glowing
green, for unclear reasons.
Don: You can, uh, take a... showwwerrr?.
Vafrus: okay, I'll take a shower,
Rozafeen: hey wait a minute, Ruffort,
Vafrus: Uh-huh?
Rozafeen: You know that time when like you were running into
the wall and saying weird stuff?
Is something like that happening after you cast spells?
Is there a pattern to where like weird things are happening to you?
Tanam: Roll an investigation check to see, maybe?
Vafrus: Yeah, so I had never actually thought about it, but you bring it up.
That's a 16 for me to remember all the times weird stuff has been happening.
Tanam: Yeah, it's not every time, right?
So it's hard to say, but it does seem like the weird stuff does seem to be happening
immediately after you cast a spell.
Just not always.
Vafrus: Better cast a hundred spells in a row just to see.
Rozafeen: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Don: hey, hey.
you don't have to do this.
Rozafeen: I don't know if this is Investigation or Medicine or Arcana
or what, but I kind of want to, like, check out how he's doing.
I'd like to figure out why he's green.
Tanam: That would probably be Arcana.
Rozafeen: Okay, that's a 19.
Tanam: Yeah, it's very clearly, some sort of magic backfire.
You have heard of this sort of thing happening in the Tower Empire.
Rozafeen: Okay, and with a 23 on Medicine, how is he looking in terms of health?
Tanam: You don't have a good baseline, but it looks really bad, and with a 23 it
does also remind you of the things you've heard about stuff in the Tower Empire.
Things are aligning there.
Harmony: I feel bad because I want to say, "You are loved!" but the green
skin is a little off-putting, so instead I say, "You are acknowledged."
Vafrus: Oh, that means a lot coming from you, Urekas, thank you.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Vafrus: While Hellena has her shower or whatever, I'm just sure that
you're all about to like throw me out or beat me up or something.
And that just keeps not happening.
And I'm like, okay.
Georg is being so nice and this is like a pretty crunchy hug.
Don: It's either a hug or a tackle.
A really lazy tackle.
Vafrus: Georg is obviously going really easy on me as he's beating me up.
Once, you come out of the shower, I'll, I'll like confess that
I'm not who you think I am.
Probably none of you thought that's who I was, but I'm sure
fooled you all completely.
So I'm like, I'm not Ruffort from... from... where'd I say I was from?
Tanam: A faraway place.
Oh, Virindale,
Vafrus: yeah, yeah, I'm not, I'm not Ruffort from Virindale.
I'm Calumn from Virindale!
, Don: So you you cast a disguise spell and changed your name?
Vafrus: I didn't think anyone would like me.
what I made myself into Ruffort.
Don: You know it's, it's still you though, right?
Vafrus: I, I don't know how to respond to that.
I'm, I'm just like, I don't, I don't know.
Can I still hang out with you guys?
You're so cool.
Rozafeen: I don't make friends with people based on what they look like.
Vafrus: I'll hang out with the followers if you want.
Harmony: I, eeh- the way you said that.
Rozafeen: Yeah, suddenly we have a problem.
Harmony: well, thank you for confessing, and I'm okay
with you hanging out with us.
Vafrus: Okay, well.
That just fixes everything, I'm great now.
Tanam: The tears instantly dry up.
Vafrus: I blow my nose on a sheet and then get a different sheet to blow it again.
and then a third sheet to like, kinda clean myself up.
Don: ah, those are my sheets.
Rozafeen: Don't worry.
I open the door and throw the gross ones outside and slam it.
Don: Perfect.
Harmony: Sorry everyone, it's just when he said that we were cool
and he wanted to hang out with us, like, I just instantly forgave him.
I really like compliments.
Don: Spoken like a true cult leader.
Rozafeen: I'm like, alright, alright, alright, about those mirrors.
Don: Yeah, how about the whole ritual thing we're gonna do?
Okay, okay, I was very excited.
So, I think we have everything we need, right?
We just have to go back to the mirror, right?
Tanam: No, you don't.
Don: No, we don't even have to do that.
Okay, okay.
I think we have everything we need.
Rozafeen: Friendship.
Don: Huh?
Rozafeen: We have everything we need.
Friendship.
Don: I just need everybody to, uh-
Vafrus: Calumn starts bawling again.
Wahhhh.
Don: Okay, this is gonna be a problem.
Rozafeen: Sorry sorry sorry.
I keep ruining it.
Go on.
Don: Is everybody done?
Can we get to the ritual?
Is it cool to do the ritual?
Okay, I'm gonna need no talking.
And, uh, okay, I'm gonna hold this mirror, this little hand mirror, and Urekas,
I need you to chant a little bit, uh,
Tanam: I'm not sure if you've told the uh, details of the ritual yet, but I
will take care of that for you right now.
Don: Perfect.
Tanam: heh heh heh heh.
So first, something valuable, but not priceless is going
to be consumed by the magic.
Don: Urekas, we're gonna need one of your followers.
Harmony: No, absolutely not.
Rozafeen: They're priceless.
Harmony: Maybeeee some of Ruffort's hair that got chopped off?
Vafrus: is so valuable.
Rozafeen: Could use my improved bell.
Don: Do we know if we get it back?
Tanam: Something valuable but not priceless will be consumed by the spell.
Don: Okay, so you're gonna lose a bell, though.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Don: Cool, cool.
Okay, and then what else?
Tanam: it will take an hour, and for that hour, the four of you need to concentrate-
Rozafeen: Oooof.
Tanam: And act as conduits for the magic.
Mechanically, each one of you can contribute two skill or
attribute rolls of your choice.
So you can roll anything you want, and you get to roll twice, and they can be
different things, but you have to justify why that particular skill is related
to this, and if you do good enough, there's different degrees of success.
You can also just throw money at it; money being consumed will
increase the power of the spell.
Don: What does a power increase do?
Tanam: Increasing the power of the spell will get you more information.
Don: Okay, okay.
Harmony: Can I do Performance to improve my chanting abilities?
In my beautiful voice?
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: Okay.
Don: I think it would really help, Urekas, if you said a few
words to, uh, inspire us all.
Tanam: Mmhm.
Harmony: How 'bout I'll do that with the chant.
So for Bardic Inspiration, I'm just going "U-RE-KAS. U-RE-KAS." And
then the followers hear, and they start chanting with me as well.
Tanam: Oh, okay, so, are you separately giving somebody Inspiration?
Harmony: Yeah, this can be added after seeing the roll
but before knowing the outcome.
Rozafeen: Giving it to Georg makes the most sense to me.
Harmony: Okay, I'll give it to you.
You're welcome.
Don: Thank you.
Tanam: How many Inspiration can you give out without a rest?
Harmony: Four.
Tanam: Why not just give everybody one?
. Vafrus: 'Cuz there might be something that we have to do after the mirror.
Tanam: You'll still have one left.
Harmony: Yeah, unless I give one to Justice.
Rozafeen: I think Justice is gonna guard the door.
Harmony: Okay.
Everybody gets one.
Tanam: So you give an inspiring speech, and it's very inspiring to everybody.
would you like to tell us what that speech is, or shall we
just, say that it's inspiring?
Harmony: I would love to give a speech.
Okay, I want you all to really focus on how good I'm gonna look in that mirror.
Don: You, uh, know that mirror doesn't show you, right?
Harmony: I'm sorry, did you- I'm gonna ignore that.
Rozafeen: Be quiet, Georg.
She changed my life.
Don: Okay, yeah, you're gonna look greeeaaaaaaaat once the ritual's over.
Harmony: No, I'm gonna look even better.
You idiot.
That's my speech.
Tanam: Ohhh.
And with that great neg at the end, everybody is extremely inspired.
Don: Georg feels like he was right, everyone else feels inspired.
Vafrus: Can I follow on, and use Deception to tell everybody how
great Urekas is going to look in the mirror after we finish.
Harmony: Excuse you.
Vafrus: I can contribute Deception to making everyone inspired.
That's my contributions.
Harmony: Can I use my Helm to tell if he's lying and punish him?
Vafrus: I'm agreeing with you, why would you look in to see if I'm wrong?
Harmony: Sorry, I'm just being a little - a little distracted.
Tanam: Okay, so, we should write these down.
So everyone has Inspiration, and then you're going to do Performance,
Harmony: Yeah.
To make the chant sound really beautiful and melodic and powerful.
Tanam: Okay, are you going to roll Performance twice?
Harmony: yeah.
That's a great idea.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: Or, unless I want to use Deception to be like, "Yeah,
Ruffort looks really good too."
Don: This is a serious ritual, guys.
Tanam: Okay.
Ruffort is doing Deception-
Vafrus: To reinforce what Urekas was saying.
Tanam: And then, what else are you doing?
Vafrus: Um, all my skills are people skills, I can try to Intimidate y'all.
I got Persuasion, I can sneak away.
Tanam: You could be trying to Intimidate the mirror into giving up its secrets.
Vafrus: this?
Can I roll my Yoink to have previously stolen some valuable things?
Don: Awesome.
Tanam: Definitely.
Vafrus: I'm just like, "Oh yeah, I found this treasure in the room just now.
Tanam: We'll see how good the treasure that you stole
is, based on your Yoink roll.
Okay, Hellena and Georg, what skills are you using?
Don: I'd like to draw upon my History of being a part of these
rituals and knowing how to use them.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I got an eight.
Tanam: Wait, don't, okay, well, okay.
Don: oh, don't roll it?
Nevermind, I didn't roll anything.
Tanam: okay, so History for one, and what's the other one?
Don: Can I, uh, produce a magical mirror using a second level slot?
To help reflect?
Tanam: Oh, interesting!
I think, for that, you can roll a spellcasting attack and then you
can, because it's a second level spell slot, add 2d4, or, 3d- 3d4.
Don: Awesome.
Tanam: Hellena?
Rozafeen: I think that Insight and Perception both make sense.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: You know, we could put as many sheets as we need into this.
They're really good sheets too.
Harmony: But you said "not priceless."
Rozafeen: Well, that would be the headboard.
Vafrus: You're right, we should start with the ones that I soiled.
Those have been reduced to not priceless.
Don: I mean, you can throw them in.
Rozafeen: uuhhhggghhhn.
Vafrus: The hotel staff comes back, they're like, what did
you do with all the sheets?
Don: Honestly, I think they'd just be happy they didn't
have to clean more sheets.
Harmony: Yeah, they're probably going broke just hiring all the staff
to clean the sheets all the time.
Tanam: Okay.
So, let's start the ritual, Georg, I think I'm gonna start with your
second level spell slot mirror.
Don: Alright.
'Kay.
So we've got... thirty six.
Tanam: Thirty six.
Nice.
Don: 3d6 is nice.
Tanam: Yeah.
Okay, so you make a focusing mirror that you're holding in your
hands in the middle of the group.
Everyone can now focus on that mirror, both visually and
focusing their magic into there.
Next is Urekas's Performance, because she's going to start the chanting.
Harmony: Excellent.
Don: I told you I needed Urekas to chant.
Harmony: Yeah, because you love hearing me talk.
19?
Tanam: 19, nice.
You guys got some good rolls going.
I think this is the point where Ruffort's like, "oh yeah, I have
something," how good was it?
Vafrus: Uh, 15.
Tanam: Inside the Hall, there was a replica trinket that somebody had left
on a table that was probably one of the ones that Tagak makes, and you grabbed
it after you guys lit Beeb's on fire.
Vafrus: Wow, we were fleeing from the arson, I'm just like, "Yeah! You
guys should do something about that fire. Anyway, mine." That tracks,
that's exactly when it happened.
Harmony: I just heard that as like Beebs as in Beebs the person.
We just lit him on fire.
Vafrus: Uh, yeah.
Don: At this point, we might as well.
. Rozafeen: No, Beebs has some good intel now.
Don: Actually, yeah, Beeb's about to be very rich.
Vafrus: So yeah, I'll go ahead and toss that in, and pretend like I
found it in the hotel room just now.
Tanam: You can feel the power growing.
who's next?
Rozafeen: Well, I rolled, I got a 19 and a 25.
Tanam: Nice.
Georg, I think maybe you come in at this point, and you direct things
a little bit with your History.
Don: Yeah, aaaaaa Nat 1.
Tanam: Oh!
Don: I would like to use my Inspiration.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: Use your what?
Don: I would very much like to use that Inspiration.
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Tanam: Okay.
You almost flub it, but with the Inspiration you got from Urekas's
wonderful speech, you don't totally screw up your History.
Don: I come from a long line of people who did this all the time.
I swear.
Tanam: Okay, and then Ruffort with how great Urekas is going to look.
Vafrus: Really adding some detail in there.
Okay, uh, 19.
Tanam: It's very convincing.
And, finally, to finish it off, Urekas is using Deception to say how great
Ruffort's going to look at the end of it.
Harmony: Yeah, Ruffort, I feel so safe with you.
You're just so very Charismatic, and, you have very good, smooth skin.
Your skin makes me melt.
Vafrus: I mean, I know you're trying to be mean Harmony.
But Calumn doesn't.
He's just like, "Why did I even ever hide myself? Clearly,
this is what the women want."
Tanam: And by "the women," you mean Urekas.
Rozafeen: The only one that matters.
Vafrus: Yep, yep.
Harmony: Okay, Deception 15.
Tanam: Urekas is leading the chanting, but I think everyone else has picked up on it.
Hellena's concentrating really hard and trying to, through the magic,
perceive things that don't want to be perceived, and understand things
that don't want to be understood.
Georg is thinking back, about how this is supposed to go, and turns
out doesn't remember very well-
Vafrus: So,
Tanam: but
Vafrus: so I have a question.
Harmony: Actually, out of character, sorry to interrupt, um, I have
to get going, unfortunately.
Oh
Tanam: Okay.
Do we have a minute to, uh, wrap?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Uh... before we started all of this, we were hired to do
a job for an unspecified reward.
Is the reward greater than 100 gold pieces?
Because I'm thinking about putting in 100 gold pieces, but I wouldn't
do it if, like, the total price of getting this right is less than that.
Yeah,
Tanam: I think we never really, as players did not talk about it, I think it was just
like, you agreed on a price that was good.
Vafrus: Yeah, you specifically didn't want to say a number, but I'm saying
the number has to be more than 100 or else I'm not going to do this.
Harmony: You're negotiating now?
Tanam: Um.
yeah, we can say that it was more than 100.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, I'm gonna put in a hundred gold also.
Rozafeen: I guess I'll put in my ring.
Tanam: what?
wait, wait, hold on, before anyone, keeps on sacrificing-
Vafrus: Writing it down on my character sheet.
, Tanam: uh, right after Urekas is saying how great Ruffort is, he
reaches into his pocket, which you can actually see now, um,
Vafrus: My pockets are all just bulging full of shit that I take.
Tanam: and you just like throw a bunch of gold into the, into the
center, and everyone's like, Wow!
And it just like, zhoom, and becomes part of the spell.
Vafrus: Acceptable.
Rozafeen: Okay, we gotta let Harmony go, guys.
Harmony: All right
Vafrus: Alright, next time!
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: I am going to chop off your headboard tonight.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: you.
uh, know that mirror doesn't show you, right?
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles
. Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: How awesome would it be if Urekas could just at will
get people out of their clothes?
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: My pockets are all just bulging full of shit that I take.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Not sure why the follower gets coffee, but, you know...
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my
drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Tanam: Uh oh.
Somebody forgot to shh.
Don: I'm just gonna say that that was the alarm that you had set
with the hotel to go to sleep.
Vafrus: We need to keep referencing that sound periodically through the episode.
So it's impossible to edit out.
Rozafeen: That was my room service arriving, is what that was.
Don: I want room service.
Rozafeen: Hellena knows how to live.