The Intern: Um, welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, the Intern, who maybe screwed up.
It's either an extremely major colossal screw up, or like, the
way things were supposed to be.
I can't tell which it is, and it seems like there should be a
difference between the two, right?
I was working with the chronoscope again.
You know how it gets all unstable when it looks too far back?
I was definitely looking way too far back.
I was trying to see the beginning of the world.
I had zoomed back past the fall and the rise of empires, past the
building of the Great Bridges, past the wars about mirrors, past the,
um, dropping of the coffee bean.
I saw Olhana incarnate and when the Lonyu were gifted agriculture before anyone
else by someone who had incarnated.
The machine was shaking violently by that point, but I was so close.
I wanted to see the beginning, so I kept on pushing.
And also pushing those buttons that Don would love so much.
But, uh, I guess I must have pushed something that I hadn't learned about.
I was pushing so many things, and there are so many buttons.
I mean, why would you even put- It's not the button maker's fault.
It's mine.
There- there's a button on the chronoscope, which must turn on
some sort of edit mode or something.
I pushed it, and I didn't notice that I pushed it, and the chronoscope was
shaking so much that it was shaking the lab table, which it shouldn't be able to
do, and I lost control of the time focus.
It was jumping all over the place, thousands of years going by in one
direction or another, while it just.
Kept.
Shaking.
And other stuff on the lab table started to slide all around.
And the world, it fell off the table.
I saw it going over the edge and I dove for it.
And I caught it before it hit.
But my face was just suddenly against the floor and I was
holding the world in my hands.
And then other stuff started falling off the table.
A really sharp pencil, like, stuck weirdly through my shirt and into my shoulder.
And a lab notebook fell on my head and there was a can of coffee beans.
It fell and beans came pouring out and one bean landed on the world.
On the world.
So I pulled the world close to me, to shield it from the other things falling.
And now that I was strategically face down on the floor, I saw the power plug for the
secondary equipment, like the chronoscope, and so I reached over and I pulled it out.
Everything stopped shaking and falling.
It was so quiet.
I looked down at the world, got my face in really close, and I said, "Don't
worry everybody. The Intern's got you."
Then I got up and I put it back in its cradle.
And when I did, I saw that time was moving quickly again.
Like when the chronoscope was engaged, but the chronoscope wasn't running.
I almost panicked again, but then I saw the Great Bridges
getting built so quickly.
It was beautiful.
Eventually, the flow of time gradually slowed down.
I recognized it was coming up to where I started, the time when Tanam, Don,
Harmony, Vafrus, and Rozafeen all live.
And then it just sort of... settled back into how it always looks.
I didn't realize until afterwards what had just happened, that I was the
one who dropped the coffee bean onto the world, and mine was the face they
saw in the sky afterwards, my visage.
"Don't worry everybody. The Intern's got you."
Vafrus: Hey everyone!
Harmony: Hello!
Don: Heyyyy.
It's been, it's been a bit.
Rozafeen: Anyway, that's probably not interesting to any of the rest of you.
Here Comes The Lemon Drop.
Harmony: I am excited by the lemon drop.
It's making my mouth salivate just thinking about it.
Tanam: Uh-oh, now you need an apple.
Don: Now I need a lemon drop.
Rozafeen: Oh my god, guys, it's like tea in my mouth.
Harmony: Whoaaa.
Rozafeen: lil' bit of lemon, little bit of honey,
Harmony: Hmm
Rozafeen: a lot drool.
Harmony: That sounds good.
Vafrus: So, last time, there was plot.
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, that's right.
Did we get back to the hotel?
Don: Ah, yes, the plot.
Rozafeen: Burned into your memory.
Don: That's how it thickens.
Rozafeen: We did something other than eat lunch.
Vafrus: You went and found the hole!
Rozafeen: Her cheap date that she's snuggling with.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Oh, that's right.
No, she's not snuggling with him.
He is snuggling with her.
I think.
Harmony: Wait, what does that mean?
Is he the big spoon?
Tanam: No, You're lying with your head still under the headboard,
and you made a space for him to come lay on your shoulder.
Rozafeen: I do not remember this level of detail coming from her last time.
Don: me either.
Tanam: what?
Don: I thought they were cuddling and he was expecting more than cuddles.
Rozafeen: The headboard is on, so I agree that logically probably
he's on her shoulder, but I don't know that we discussed it.
Harmony: Yeah, he can be on my shoulder, and then I can go, "Hey,
you're snoring, get out of here."
Vafrus: snoring.
Harmony: Then I do my short rest.
Rozafeen: Don't, be too cruel, we might need him again later.
Vafrus: Oh.
Harmony: Get out of here, but I'll see you soon.
Sorry I'm sleepy, I'm really blunt when I'm tired.
Tanam: do you want to just roll a Persuasion or-
Rozafeen: Roll a get the hell out of my bed-
Harmony: Ooh, 20.
Like, a actual 20, plus 5.
Tanam: He is gone and totally happy to be so.
Like, not happy to be leaving you, but he's like, "Yeah, it's
right that I should go home right now, this is the correct action."
Vafrus: He feels like things went very well as he goes home alone.
Harmony: Okay, so I can give myself a short rest?
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: That was specifically mentioned, I remember.
Tanam: ha ha
Vafrus: She was like, we're gonna cuddle exactly as long
as it takes for a short rest.
Don: That's how I time my, uh, my naps, too.
Tanam: Georg and Hellena head back to the hotel, could I have you both roll a, uh...
actually, what's your passive Perceptions?
I should have this written down.
Don: Thirteen.
Rozafeen: 17.
Tanam: Okay.
Hellena definitely notices the birds.
It's dark, so it's not super easy to tell, but the birds are
definitely still following you.
You didn't see them hanging out before, when you guys went in, but they are
definitely here, and they might have been there when you guys came out.
Rozafeen: I have speak with animals, so I suppose that I could talk to them again.
I thought I had Speak with Animals, where did it go?
Oh yep, there it is, there it is.
Tanam: As a note, the thing you had pending on your to do for the
rest of the day was possibly...
Vafrus: oh yeah.
We got to go meet Beeb.
We just skip that.
Tanam: That's fine.
I am 100 percent behind that.
Vafrus: Did all that- did all that work to set it up.
Don: Wai- wai- wait!
Vafrus: No, no, we're going to do it.
Don: Yeah, I don't think we can skip this one.
Maybe we can get a free meal out of it.
Vafrus: Do we- do we meet up to like, compare notes?
I really want to talk about the thing you discovered.
Don: Does eating at Beeb's count as a long rest?
Vafrus: That's why we keep doing it, ahhh.
Beeb, you're the source of our power.
Watch, we can be near death and then we have breakfast and we're just better.
Rozafeen: Okay, so timing wise, the walk from where Georg and I
were to the hotel is not very long.
Tanam: correct.
Rozafeen: Are we sending Ruffort alone on this spy mission?
Vafrus: come on, come on!
Tanam: I think, timing wise, it is not until a little bit later.
What you set up was for the usual time.
Last time you met Beeb, it was well into the night.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Vafrus: Okay.
So we meet up!
You guys get back to the hotel, right?
I'm like, moping around the hallway within like, sight of Urekas room, but
like, I don't really know what else to do with myself except glare at it.
Don: Hey, uh, why do you keep glaring at Urekas's room?
Vafrus: I'm not, don't talk to me.
Don: Oh, okay
Rozafeen: I shake my head, and I say, "bro, you gotta let it go. Usually,
if you want to try to partner up with a lady like Urekas, you should be
delighted to maybe get polyamory."
Don: Yeah, usually if you don't want to be talked to, you just,
like, make an illusion over yourself and make yourself the same pattern
as the hotel wall or something.
Vafrus: When you mention like, make yourself look like the hotel
wall, I actually do kind of get this look on my face of like,
"well, that's a brilliant idea!"
Don: I take back everything I said and also that was a joke and also don't do it.
Rozafeen: I do not take back what I said.
I was serious.
Vafrus: Uh,
Don: she had good ideas.
You should listen.
Vafrus: "You don't think I have a shot with Urekas?" I say as there's
like, 10 other people milling around the room, like, looking at the door.
Rozafeen: "You have a shot at getting in line, my friend." I give
you a not-very-reassuring pat...
Don: I'm gonna, I'm gonna translate, uh, that's a "no."
I've known Urekas for a few years and, uh, I think a few years.
You never know how long you've known Urekas.
She's... ephemeral.
Flakey.
Rozafeen: Ooo.
One of these words is more complimentary than the other.
Don: I mean, uh-
Harmony: Yeah, I just shuddered in my sleep.
Don: wait, do, do we, uh- did Ruffort see, uh, the dude leave yet?
Tanam: Yes.
Don: Okay, he doesn't have a shot either.
Rozafeen: At least not tonight.
Vafrus: I kind of reach up and feel the like, large bump that's still
on my head from ramming the door.
"Yeah, you know, that actually does make me feel better. Wow, you guys
are like, pretty good friends."
Don: We try, I guess.
Rozafeen: I pat myself on the back.
Vafrus: So, did you, like, find anything?
Rozafeen: Oh, yeah, that's right!
Don: We sure did.
Uh, what'd we find?
Vafrus: Does Urekas come out of the door at this moment to be part
of the group discussion in the middle of the hallway in public?
Harmony: I was waiting for someone to wake me from my beauty rest, but-
Don: No one's going in there.
Rozafeen: Someone should go in there and take the darn headboard off her head.
Don: fine.
I make some coffee.
And then I give it to Ruffort, and I was like, "you want your shot? Go do it."
Vafrus: Alright!
Don: The way to a woman's heart is through her beans.
Vafrus: "Okay." I go in with the coffee.
"Hey, Urekas. How was your date?"
Harmony: My eyelids just start fluttering open.
And I'm like, "Oh, Ruffort, is that you? You look so handsome with that coffee."
Vafrus: I immediately forget everything my friends ever said to me.
Don: Told ya.
Harmony: Thank you for this shot of coffee.
Is it time for more adventuring?
Vafrus: Oh, yeah, I guess, uh, yeah, the others came back.
They found- I don't know what they found.
They sounded like something.
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: I poke my head out, "Yeah, she's- come on in."
Don: Did you get the headboard off?
Harmony: I either need two of you to help me carry the headboard or I
need you guys to take it off for me.
Don: We aren't- You have followers!
Vafrus: I'm gonna roll, I'm gonna do my best with my negative Strength.
Tanam: I think this is a Dex.
Vafrus: A Dex?
Oh, well, I'm fine then.
Uh, 11.
Didn't roll great, but...
Tanam: yeah, it doesn't go great, but it's fine.
You manage to help her out of it.
Vafrus: Alright.
Harmony: Thank you.
That was fine.
Rozafeen: was exquisite.
Tanam: That was an 11 out of twenty.
Vafrus: Yeah, on a scale 1 to 20...
Rozafeen: Okay Georg, tell them what we found.
Don: Right?
Yeah, cuz I remember.
Rozafeen: It was like a tunnel...
Don: Yeah, we went into a tunnel, and it was kinda dark.
Uh, but luckily, we can both see in the dark, so that's fine.
Rozafeen: Woohoo!
Air high-five.
Don: And then, uh, we... Uh, what did we find in the tunnel?
Rozafeen: There was a mirror.
Remember the big ol mirror?
Don: Mirror.
Yep.
We have to do a ritual, I remember this.
To figure out where the mirror goes.
Vafrus: The tunnel went under the house.
Rozafeen: Yes, it's very important that we say at least five times that
the tunnel went under the house.
Vafrus: but it didn't connect to the house.
just near the house.
Don: it was definitely that, yeah.
Vafrus: Also, the mirror has a magic dealie on it, where it can be identified.
But if it's too close to another similar mirror, then the magic
dealie might get confused.
Like, for example, if there was a mirror in the house, that's
used for the fancy bathroom.
Don: that's a good point, yeah
Rozafeen: Yeah Ruffort, it's almost like you were there instead
of being weird about a chocolate fountain on someone else's date.
Vafrus: so excited to solve the mystery, guys.
I need to me the details so I can be like, "Hey!"
Don: This is great because I feel like I forgot everything from the last session.
I was like, I, I was there.
uh, I was taking a nap, I guess.
Harmony: And Ruffort's the one with a bump on his head.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Don: Oh, If only I had a fancy headboard.
Vafrus: I'm, the most criminal one, so I'm like, oh yeah, "Here's what I would do."
Rozafeen: So do we have time to do this ritual and then send someone to spy
on Beeb, or do we have to send someone to spy on Beeb and then do the ritual?
Don: Didn't we need all of us to do the ritual?
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, that's right.
Vafrus: Probably Beeb first-
but here's the thing.
So that's the rental house, right, DM?
Tanam: Yeah?
Vafrus: The house that we keep on talking about that's above the tunnel?
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: It's the one with the nice bathroom and the, the-
Tanam: Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep
Vafrus: So, Okay, so here's the thing, whoever put the mirror
down there is trying to frame the above ground mirror, right?
Harmony: Whoaaa
Vafrus: They've made this like super illegal spider summoning mirror and then
gone to incredible lengths to make it seem like "oh, it's actually the more
mundane mirror that's above ground."
Don: that's a good point, yeah.
Vafrus: So both the Second and Mindlord are implicated by that
above ground mirror, right?
Which means neither of them did it.
If it was either of them, they wouldn't make themselves look guilty
by having the mirror they control look like it was the problem.
Don: I don't think they expected us to find the underground super sneaky mirror.
Vafrus: No, no, everyone thought we were gonna just find the above ground
mirror and use magic to discern "This is the mirror, it's the one that
summoned the spiders. Case closed."
Don: But then we found the underground mirror with the actual
spider prints comin' out of it.
Vafrus: Yeah, so whoever put the underground mirror there can't be the
Second, and it can't be the Mindlord.
So it's got to be the Sorceress!
That's the only other person in the world, right?
Don: That doesn't make any sense.
Um,
Vafrus: Either that or it's Beeb.
Don: I think it's Beeb.
Vafrus: I guess there's the Lord of Hospitality, right?
Whoever Is in charge of this whole hotel, if they, like, really don't like
the Mindlord, maybe that's the deal.
Rozafeen: There's the guy who yells that things have been improved.
Harmony: Oh yeah, him.
Or disimproved.
Rozafeen: There's the person who's actually in charge of the armed forces.
Don: There's Tagak.
Could've been Tagak.
Vafrus: Definitely Tagak.
We gotta go find Tagak.
Oh wait, didn't we send Tagak, like, into the wilderness?
Rozafeen: She's on her honeymoon.
This is all fine.
Harmony: Could be Tagak's lover.
Vafrus: Also we've gotten to know the Second pretty well and
we know the Second's an idiot.
So like, there's no way he could have built a tunnel.
Don: Okay, but I mean, idiot and follows directions.
We don't know that it wasn't the Second.
Vafrus: Ah, okay.
Oh yeah!
You just tell him any phrase and he'll repeat it until it happens.
It's like the Suggestion spell, but you don't even need to cast anything,
you just say something to him, and that's all he can think about.
Don: It could be a sign of mind control magic.
Harmony: Oh, Yeah.
Do y'all wanna hear a secret?
Vafrus: Oh, I'm, I'm like super rapt, full of attention.
Harmony: Okay, because when I was on my really good date with the Mindlord-
Vafrus: oh, I stop listening.
Harmony: But you don't say that out loud?
Vafrus: No, I don't hear what you say next.
Harmony: he revealed to me that mind control is actually a myth.
And that Mindlords can't really even do that.
Don: Mind control is a myth.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, they can read minds, but they can't actually control minds.
Don: Oh, like their mind control is a myth.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, it's a conspiracy.
Don: Cause I've seen you mind control people.
Harmony: No, you've seen me inspire people to act as their best, most
authentic selves, but you have never seen me control somebody.
Vafrus: I actually snicker at that.
Don: I've seen you mind control people.
There's no way what you said was their best authentic selves.
Harmony: I can't hear you over Ruffort's snickering.
Maybe that's for the best.
Don: nevermind.
I don't believe anything that guy says.
Vafrus: Okay.
We can still go to the thing with Beeb.
But now that we know that the Second is not being mind controlled-
at least by the Mindlords.
Maybe by someone else.
Sorceress.
Tanam: I mean, you do know for a fact that the Sorceress has Suggestion.
Vafrus: Yep.
yeah, I just don't know what information we're gonna get.
But we set up the meeting, it feels like a waste to not do something with it.
Harmony: Yeah, it feels rude, and I don't want to be rude to Beeb.
Tanam: Georg, I can't remember, do you mention the ritual that you guys can do?
Don: Yeah, I was talking about the ritual.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, to like go into the mirror, right?
Don: No, no, no, we don't need to go in.
It's more of like we can see where it go.
Vafrus: Ahh.
Don: Where it went, not where it go.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, I mean, might as well do that while we're waiting,
like, finding that out seems great.
And we don't even have to go to the mirror?
Wow, that's really convenient.
Let's do it right now.
Don: It does take some time, and we do need to meet Beeb, and it
does take all of us to do it.
Rozafeen: Spy on Beeb.
Don: I mean, see Beeb.
Beeb doesn't need to see us.
We need to see Beeb.
Vafrus: "See Beeb... while chameleoned!" And I try to chameleon into the wall.
I'm like a person-shaped piece of wallpaper.
Rozafeen: So do we have someone who can be stealthy and just listen in on this
meeting and take notes and come back?
I know that's a tall order.
Don: I mean, Ruffort's not that tall.
Rozafeen: Everyone wants to trip him or beat him up or order breakfast from Beeb.
Do we have anyone that's capable of just listening inconspicuously?
Don: Look, I would do it, but Inconspicuous is not exactly my MO.
Vafrus: I just openly laugh at you when you say "I would do it."
I'm like, okay, Yeah, I'll go.
I, and I, I promise not to burn anything or do anything.
I kind of like you guys, so I don't want to like mess things up.
Harmony: Are you still dressed as the hotel wall?
Vafrus: Oh yes.
I'm talking to you while I'm the wall.
Yes.
Harmony: Okay, do you want, like, a fake mustache?
Rozafeen: A floating in air fake mustache would make everything better.
Tanam: Well no, it's tacked to the wall.
Don: I mean, who doesn't put fake mustaches on the wall?
Vafrus: Stuck to the man-shaped protrusion from the wall.
Don: I don't know, I rolled a low perception, so... I don't
know what you're talking about.
Vafrus: Okay, I'll turn back to Ruffort.
"Sounds like Beebs is first.
We'll do Beebs then the ritual.
Does anyone want to come with me?
Harmony: I'll come with you.
Rozafeen: Wait a minute.
Last time-
Harmony: Oh!
Right.
The fire.
Don: Oh right, the traumatic event I lived through.
Vafrus: I can't refuse.
But that's, that's, yep.
Harmony: I have a bunch of costume changes.
I could dress as a firefighter.
Vafrus: Uh-huh...
Don: You know, maybe I should go.
I have absolutely no stealthy ability whatsoever, and yet
somehow, think I'd do a better job.
Vafrus: oh.
Okay.
Rozafeen: So, if we could send our genuinely stealthiest person
and our mindreader and they could manage to not make any scenes or
call attention to themselves or burn anything down, that would be great.
Can we do that?
Harmony: Yeah, be good.
Don: I mean, I for one have a lot of faith in... you.
Harmony: Oh.
Yeah, I'll do it.
I mean, I just, I need someone to dismantle the headboard
so I can wear my helm.
Vafrus: Oh.
Rozafeen: didn't we get it off of you?
Vafrus: Yeah, but the helm is like, built into it, that's part of it.
Harmony: Yeah.
Rozafeen: Oh my gosh.
Don: Oh!
I should be able to do that.
Hold on a second.
Rozafeen: You rolling up your sleeves?
Don: I take out a coffee, uh, -based cutting device.
Vafrus: I now understand why she refused to take it off the whole time.
Wait, was the whole point of the headboard because you wanted to
wear your helm without tipping him off that you had a mind reading-
Harmony: Uh huh
Vafrus: -helmet on?
Harmony: Exactly.
Don: Alright, do you wanna roll for this, or, or should I just,
uh, say that I've cut through the, uh... straps, that tied it?
Tanam: Yeah, it's fine.
Don: There's a lot of coffee splattered all over the wall.
Tanam: Of course there is.
Harmony: That's okay.
You can clean it later.
It's fine.
Don: Oh no, uh, I was gonna suggest that you find someone to
clean it... cause it's your...
Harmony: but you made the mess.
Don: I did you a service.
Vafrus: I cast Prestidigitation, lets me, among other things, clean up things.
Tanam: I think it also, brings you up a point, right?
Vafrus: Oh sure!
Let's roll, baby!
Okay.
Still safe..
Harmony: Okay, great.
So I'll wear my helm, maybe disguise it as a sparkly tiara with
a sparkle dress, then I'm ready.
Vafrus: Alright, me and Urekas set out.
Tanam: Okay so, to be clear, what is Ruffort looking like,
and what is Urekas looking like?
Harmony: I'm wearing a nice silver sparkle dress with a
tiara but the tiara is the helm.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I shall turn into the most nondescript person I can think of.
Just an amalgamation of all the people that I've seen lately.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: No distinguishing features.
Tanam: But you're with Urekas.
Vafrus: but I'm next to Urekas.
Don: So the most nondescript and the most descript person.
Vafrus: We're gonna sneak.
They're not gonna see us anyway, it's fine.
Tanam: So you could definitely roll some Stealth, and with your disguise,
you can have advantage on that.
Urekas definitely stands out, so any sort of Stealth role is
going to be with disadvantage.
Harmony: Huh.
I could just wear my pajamas.
But my makeup looks really good.
Don: I don't think we've gotten out of disadvantaged territory.
Tanam: Yeah, do you want to wear like, dark clothes?
Harmony: You know, I wear black pajamas.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: With really cute makeup.
Tanam: do you want a hood over the helm?
Harmony: Yeah, it's like a onesie, and it has a hood.
Tanam: Oh, nice.
Don: I could probably help out, and give you, like, a coffee mustache.
Harmony: Coffee mus- What!?
Don: Coffee grounds?
You know, you put them on your face, makes you look like you have a mustache.
Harmony: Okay, do it.
Don: Done.
Harmony: I just licked off the grounds.
Don: I put it on again.
Harmony: I lick them again.
Don: I'm not doing this.
Harmony: Alright, well, I think we're ready.
Tanam: Okay.
Since you are going to the effort of dressing for stealth, you guys can
both have advantage on your Stealth roll, which you should do now.
Vafrus: We go sneaking!
I get a 23.
Harmony: 22.
Tanam: The two of you sneak out of the hotel.
You're doing such a good job that the hotel staff that normally
note you do not note you.
Harmony: "It's making me feel insecure. Maybe I can just wear, like, heels. Just
sparkle heels, but the same outfit."
Vafrus: you're like, "Oh no, I succeeded at Stealth and no
one's paying attention to me."
Harmony: It hurts!
I don't know how you live with this.
Tanam: It stings a bit.
Harmony: Mm. Uhhmm.
Vafrus: I can give you a little heal.
Tanam: Does it sparkle?
Vafrus: I'll use my healing light to give you... one point of health.
Harmony: Aw, thanks.
Tanam: Okay, so you sneak over to Beeb.
Vafrus: We arrive there a little early.
We're hiding in the shadows.
There's a lot of shadows, right?
It's all night time.
Tanam: Yeah, there's lots of shadows and there's not really
many folks around at this point.
Beeb is closed, but you hear some, activity inside, so you figure that
he's just puttering around in there waiting for the set meetup time.
Vafrus: Oh, do we got to get in?
That's going to be trickier.
Tanam: No, I mean, like, when you guys first met him, he was
outside talking to the Second.
Harmony: Mm Uhhmm
Tanam: So, probably not?
Vafrus: Okay.
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: One of us could be on the roof.
One of us could be like behind some plants or something...
Harmony: Well, if I'm on the roof, do you want me to make bird sounds
if I see the meeting starting?
Vafrus: No, don't make any sounds.
Just listen.
Harmony: Okay Okay
Tanam: Okay, there's a pile of crates over in front of
Tagak's place, which is nearby.
It seems like maybe she's been getting deliveries while she's been gone.
Vafrus: Great.
Tanam: And so you can duck behind those and probably blend in.
Vafrus: I'll do my chameleon thing.
still be a person, but a person who's got skin that looks an awful lot like crates.
Tanam: Crate guy, that's me, Mr. Crate.
Harmony: Yeah, and you took off the mustache.
Tanam: Okay, Urekas, do you want to go onto the roof?
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay, give me an Acrobatics check.
Harmony: 12 plus 3; 15.
Tanam: Yeah, you head over and clamber up onto the walkway along the wall,
and from the wall, you can walk out on top of the roof of Beeb's place.
And because of your earlier Stealth check you're nice and quiet about it.
From there, you can lean over and get line of sight to infront of
Beebs probably without being seen.
And before long, the Second does indeed show.
He's back in his cloak, and trying very hard to be sneaky;
he is extremely bad at it.
He's tiptoeing, furtively looking around, and moving from places that have a shadow.
But I wouldn't say, from the shadows, just like, "oh, there's a shadow" and
he stands in it, even though, it doesn't affect anything about his visibility.
Don: You should read his mind, it's just gonna be, "sneak, sneak, sneak- sneak
sneak sneak- sneaksneaksneaksneak.
Harmony: yeah, let's see if that's true.
I read his mind.
Tanam: yep.
Harmony: Oh wow, okay.
Tanam: sneak.
Sneaky, sneaky, sneak, sneak, sneak.
Vafrus: I hit him with Eldritch Blast.
I do not.
Tanam: You just want to, real bad.
Okay, do you continue to read the Second's mind, or do you switch, or
do you want to just tell me whose mind you're reading at any given time?
Harmony: Ooh, I guess I can tell you because I haven't seen Beeb yet, right?
Tanam: okay, so as soon as he comes out?
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Well, the Second, sneakily- but not really- loudly knocks on Beeb's door.
You can hear, Beeb head on over and open up the door.
Harmony: I'd like to read his mind.
Tanam: So when you switch to him, you get the impression that he is hoping, but not
expecting that maybe it's somebody else.
Not anyone in particular, just anyone but the Second.
Harmony: Even me?
Vafrus: Maybe, somebody else came to the secret meeting.
We shoulda knocked on the door.
Harmony: He would have loved that.
Don: I'm actually glad to see you for once.
Tanam: But, no, and, you just get a overwhelming feeling of, met expectations
that are extremely disappointing.
"Well, Beeb. We've had this arrangement going for a while."
Vafrus: So, when I got infected by Hot Rock disease, it futzed
with my magic a little bit.
And one of them, one of the dealies, is called, "What Me? Magic?" And
it lets me cast without either a somatic or a verbal component.
I only need one.
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: So, Suggestion has a verbal component, of course it does, because
you have to say the suggestion.
If I use this, could I suggest from a distance without saying the suggestion?
Tanam: buwwwaaa
Vafrus: Come on.
It'd be so cool.
Tanam: Yes, but I'm gonna say because you're messing with that core component
you get two points on your count up.
Vafrus: Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna cast Suggestion, silently.
Tanam: Do you want to listen to what Beeb says, or do you just want to go?
Vafrus: No, I'm doing this as they're beginning to talk, because I feel like
they're not spilling enough secrets.
And we already did this, I'm tired of them, like, beating
around the bush or whatever.
Rozafeen: Woohoo Air high-five.
Harmony: We got this.
Vafrus: Yeah, alright.
So two rolls.
We'll get that out of the way first.
Uh, I got a seven and a nat one.
Tanam: I don't know what order we resolve these in, but I think you go ahead
and cast Suggestion, and then we will resolve what happens after you do that.
Vafrus: So the suggestion is, "Excessively talk about
all the secrets you know."
Harmony: Oh.
no.
Tanam: Okay.
And who do you cast it on?
Vafrus: The Second!
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: "This arrangement"?
No, tell us what's the arrangement, buddy.
Tanam: Okay, and he gets a Wisdom save?
Vafrus: Mmhmm.
Tanam: 14?
Vafrus: Uhh, DC is 17.
Tanam: Okay.
What's the...
Vafrus: The magic roll is a 33.
Ooh, it says, "Roll again, but subtract the result from 101." Okay.
Total of 80 now, with the subtraction.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Which is... I don't know where that is.
There it is.
Hey!
No result.
I just had this weird thing come over me, but cleared it, it's fine.
Tanam: Okay, so the Second...
Vafrus: "Excessively talk about all the secrets you know."
Tanam: And this is going to happen for eight hours?
Vafrus: uh huh.
Don: Best eight hours of my life.
Harmony: My helm is on fire!
Not literally, no fires.
Tanam: So, he shudders a bit, and then says, "You know, our
arrangement, which is that you pay me money so that, I, as a member of
the guard, can selectively enforce certain rules that the Empire has..."
Vafrus: This is the stuff!
This is what I'm talking about, baby.
Tanam: um, "can selectively enforce rules that the Empire has, one of
which is that people who are selling food are not allowed to also sell
certain intoxicating substances, which you do sell on the side."
Vafrus: Yes!
Look at all the progress we made, everyone.
Don: You just made Tanam write ten pages of secrets.
Tanam: Yeah, well, no, I'm, I'm trying to-
Rozafeen: You just shortened our game by several playing sessions
is what you did, my friend.
Don: Or it turns out all it is a little extortion scheme.
And he's completely clear.
Vafrus: Yeah, no.
I think this has nothing to do with what our mystery is, but like,
you know, we're gonna find out.
Harmony: I read the second's thoughts right now.
Vafrus: "You idiot, not so loud!" is what he's thinking.
Tanam: Yeah, "What am I saying?
This is- what?
No!
Here comes another one!"
uh, "I fled inside The Hall during the attack.
And I said that I was only going to protect the people inside, but
really I was just trying to save my own skin." And Beeb is looking mixed
of horrified and deeply confused.
Vafrus: Hey.
Hold on Beeb but- keep listening.
It might be good.
Tanam: "I am super jealous of the Captain.
I need that job, and that job is mine.
I should be the Captain.
Not even an Ovadan and telling me what to do?
That's nonsense.
Harmony: oooooooo
Tanam: yeah, I'm trying to pin the spider attack on Pakdaovan.
case could be made that the Captain dropped the ball, and so I'm
just trying to, like, make sure that my cousin understands that,
but, gah, she's so frustrating.
Harmony: Woooowww.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: This is good.
I wish I was there and that I also had popcorn.
Tanam: He starts looking around and visibly panicking and holding on to
his face, but he can't cover his own mouth because it's been suggested to him
that he should be saying it, so he is.
Vafrus: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Tanam: "I have a illegal mirror in my rental house that goes to a bathroom.
It seemed like a nice feature to, have for visiting guests." Beeb at
this point is like, "go on..."
Vafrus: This is my official apology, Beeb.
Tanam: "I came here tonight to shake you down for more money because I need
a little bit of extra cash because I want to get another rental house
going. Because I think the first one worked out pretty well. I'm really
excited about the possibilities that I have with these rentals."
And he just turns around and runs away.
Harmony: Wow.
Tanam: And you can hear him as he runs, "12 years ago, I-" and you
don't catch what he did 12 years ago.
Harmony: Can I catch it through reading thoughts?
Tanam: No, he's, he's out of range.
Vafrus: He's like, trying to hold it in while running.
Don: That's gonna be a rough eight hours.
Vafrus: Yeah, he'll just you know, go hide in his house or something.
It'll be fine.
Harmony: Okay, can I catch Beeb's thoughts?
Tanam: Beeb's thoughts are racing, even the surface thoughts, you're having
trouble keeping up with them- going back through everything that the Second said.
Images of him, getting money from the Second, and then you see the
Second's house, and, Beeb, walking up to it, and the Second dejectedly
handing him a key and walking away.
Vafrus: This situation seems fine.
Tanam: And you see this image of walking along around the Hall,
where all the stores are, all of the restaurants say Beeb's.
"Beeb's Quaint Local Snacks." and-
Then he heads on inside, and you lose touch.
Harmony: O-kay!
Vafrus: Wow, that was weird.
Boy, that Second guy, he sure does do some weird stuff sometimes.
Harmony: He's so loud.
Vafrus: Just kidding, it me.
It was super me.
Wasn't that great?
Tanam: So you guys meet back up and you are, uh, telling Urekas that it was you?
Vafrus: Of course I'm gonna tell.
Tanam: yeah, yeah.
just, confirming that this is not...
Vafrus: Yes, yes.
I meet up with Urekas somehow.
Harmony: "Ruffort, that was you?" I hug you and I kiss you on the cheek, "That
was so impressive, I learned so much."
Vafrus: Oh, I'm so happy.
You discover that my cheek is not where you think it is.
Like you try to kiss me on the cheek and you end up like
kissing me in the hair instead.
Ahhhh.
But I'll take it.
Ahhhh.
Ohhhhh.
Harmony: Wow!
That was so juicy!
Vafrus: I had a shot!
They were wrong!
Alright.
So we go up and meet up again with the group after quickly murdering two people.
Harmony: Also, we grab some pancakes off their plate after we murder them.
Just walk to go pancakes.
Don: I like that you're murdering people, but they're still at Beeb's.
Rozafeen: I mean, if the murders are discreet and nothing got burned
down, I believe that meets the terms.
Don: Just don't tell me about them.
Tanam: Okay, so I'm assuming you go back and tell what happened?
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Minus the murders.
Vafrus: Minus the murders.
Harmony: I feel bad about one of the murders, so I do tip from
their bill because they died before they were able to pay.
Vafrus: You know how hard it is to get money from Urekas?
Tanam: this is an interesting point.
Vafrus: She still owes me a hundred gold.
Now we know, all you have to do is be murdered by Urekas and then
you can get a little bit of money.
That's the threshold.
Tanam: okay.
So you are back at the hotel?
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Harmony: Okay.
Ruffort is so smart.
Here's what I learned, all thanks to Ruffort.
So, Beeb, he sells drinks on the side, and the Captain doesn't
like that, like, so he doesn't get special stuff from the Captain.
Oh, and Beeb hates the Captain.
He's so jealous, like, you know, how everyone's jealous of me.
Beeb is even more jealous of the Captain, and he thinks, oh, and the
Captain shouldn't even be an Ovadan.
Don: I'm sorry.
Did you say that Beeb is jealous of the Captain?
Harmony: Yes.
Vafrus: So, here's thing, the Second and Captain are different people, right?
Harmony: Yes.
Vafrus: Alright, continue.
Don: Beeb's really jealous of the Cap- of the Captain?
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: This meeting was between the Second and Beebs.
But Beeb's jealous of the Captain?
Harmony: Oh, and Beeb wants to take over the whole Hall and he wants all
the restaurants to be named after him.
Don: So, so is this whole thing Beeb's fault after all?
Vafrus: Did actually Urekas go to different meeting than I did?
Does she know more than I know?
What's going on?
Harmony: No!
That was a thought Beeb had!
He was like, hey, this should be Beeb's restaurant here
and Beeb's restaurant there.
Don: "Did Beeb set the spiders on everybody?
Do we need to go after Beeb?
Do we have to shut him down?" At this moment, uh, Georg's, checking
all his coffee cylinders, "Can you believe this, Hellena?
We busted this thing wide open!"
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Not literally, no fires.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Best eight hours of my life.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles
. Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Something bad?
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Excessively talk about all the secrets you know.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of
roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: I'm doing like four characters here because of their thoughts as well.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game
design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: I don't think we discovered that Beeb has anything to do with the spiders.
Don: I mean, then what are Beeb's plans for world domination?
Vafrus: Oh, everyone has plans for world domination, right?
Like that's just normal.
Don: Uh, everybody?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don't, don't you Urekas?
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Beebs does, too.
You're the weird one.
Don: Do I need to step up my game?
Rozafeen: World domination sounds like a chore.
I would just like a lot of money.