The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern slash Chronoscope Wizard. That's right. I'm getting more and more comfortable with the chronoscope. There are little subtle adjustments that I've been able to make, especially with all the cool features this thing has. It might have as many buttons as Georg's armor, but I doubt it. I imagine whoever designed this thing being a lot like Don, actually. I don't know about the gruff and grumpy part, but whoever it was? Extremely into buttons.
One weird thing about it is that the further you try to look back, the more difficult it is to guide. It's never great about precision, but when I am trying to look way back it gets super unstable and sometimes it just kinda stops working. It's disappointing when it cuts out like that but usually just motivates me to try again.
Speaking of trying again-- excellent transition-- last episode was all about Urekas distraction date with the Mindlord. Will we actually get to see the investigation that Hellena and Georg are doing that necessitated said distraction?
Let's find out!
Rozafeen: Hello.
Vafrus: Hey everyone.
Rozafeen: Let's get to that trap door.
Don: I'm in. Not in the trapdoor. That's-
Rozafeen: was gonna say, that's rather abrupt. Roll or something.
Tanam: Yeah, I know.
Don: Georg does not mess around.
Tanam: Hellena and Georg are going to investigate the cellar door looking thing that she has found by the rental house.
Harmony: I'm trying to remember, the cellar door by the rental house. Uh, wait, whose rental house was that?
Tanam: This is the house that is owned by the Second and is rented out to various people as a vacation home near the Great Hall. Currently, the Mindlord is the one who is renting it, and last time you guys were snooping around is when you met the Mindlord, because he showed up while you were snooping around.
Rozafeen: "Snooping" is such a- we were investigating
Tanam: and the reason why you were investigating-
Vafrus: And thieving.
Tanam: No, you weren't thieving yet. This is not the Second's house, this is the Second's second home.
Harmony: Ohhh nooooooo.
Rozafeen: Uhhhhgg
Vafrus: Are you sure I didn't steal anything? I swear...
Don: No, no, come on, be professional. You gotta make sure you investigate thoroughly, or case the joint at least, before ya steal stuff.
Rozafeen: I think we didn't steal anything because we didn't get inside.
Don: That'd probably be why, yeah.
Tanam: Yeah
Don: Considering our history.
Tanam: You did peek in the windows and I think you asked the Prince to go in.
Vafrus: Right, haven't stolen anything from that building yet.
Tanam: Yet. And the reason why you guys were investigating that in the first place was that after you all defeated the spiders, Hellena got up to the top of the wall, looked out, and saw a hooded figure disappear behind this particular house.
Vafrus: I'm with you now.
Tanam: so, that's where we are, Hellena and Georg because that was the whole reason why you're distracting the Mindlord in the first place.
Rozafeen: I mean, I think she wants to be on the date, but that's the reason the date is not near a bed. But there is a headboard.
Tanam: So, how are you coordinating this? I'm assuming you both run off as soon as Urekas has confirmed?
Don: Well, I was gonna walk sedately, but-
Tanam: well, we'll just say you're there.
Rozafeen: We walked 10 minutes without incident, yay!
Tanam: Good job, everyone.
Harmony: That is a record.
Rozafeen: We didn't stop for lunch.
Vafrus: For no particular reason, I just practiced rolled one of my dice and I got a nat 1. I feel like that should matter.
Don: Is that to mean that we did not, in fact, coordinate any way, shape, or form, and we actually don't know where we're going or what we're doing? Is that the problem?
Rozafeen: Maybe it means that Ruffort is doing a really bad job feeling sorry for himself.
Vafrus: For once in my life, I failed at self pity.
Tanam: Okay. Georg and Rozafeen, you're there.
Don: Just in front of the door?
Tanam: Yeah, you went around the house and out back. Hellena, I'm assuming, vaguely remembers where it is. I won't make you roll another Dexterity check to see if you trip over it again.
Rozafeen: Is anyone there?
Tanam: Not close by. There's all the standard partying stuff going on because it is one continuous party, but, no one's partying around here.
Don: We don't see anyone at all, or we're just You know, there's nobody right there.
Tanam: The house is pretty close to the main path. You're out back, behind the house, out into the desert a little bit.
Don: In a way that would, you know, if you were an uncharitable sort, seem suspicious. Which is why I wanted to ask if there's anybody around to look suspicious in front of.
Tanam: Nah.
Don: Cool.
Tanam: There might be someone hiding and looking at you, but you don't have any indication that there is.
Don: Alright, I kinda look around, trying to see if there's anybody around there looking at us.
Tanam: Okay, go ahead and roll a Perception check.
Vafrus: Searching for someone even more suspicious.
Don: Ahh... 15.
Tanam: You can hear, out on the other side of the road, there's a band playing, and there's revelers over there, but locally, you're pretty sure that there's no one about.
Don: Alright, let's crack this open.
Rozafeen: I uh, wave my hands down at it and say, "After you."
Don: I wave my hand down at it and open it.
Tanam: Okay, uh, how?
Don: I mean, is there aaaa knob of any kind, or a lever, or a-
Tanam: Nah.
Don: Is there no obvious way to open it?
Rozafeen: We're not thieves, so the whole check for traps, spring the lock- that's not really where we shine.
Don: Yeah, Georg's more of the, if there's a trap, that's why he's made of armor.
Tanam: So there doesn't seem to be any sort of handle. There look like there might be internal hinges or something like that, but there doesn't look like there's any obvious way to open it.
Don: Got it, got it, okay. Uh... is it made of wood?
Tanam: Yes, so it's wood planking really tight together, with, it seems like sand glued on to it.
Don: it's trying to be sneaky.
Tanam: Yes, it is. It is definitely trying to be sneaky.
Don: Okay, I look around and try to see if there's any, mechanism or thing that I can find that will open it without making an undue amount of noise. Like, handhold on the side that isn't very obvious, or, you know, kind of feel around the edges.
Rozafeen: So I've got Mending. Do you want to just punch it and then I'll mend it?
Don: Yep. I mean, first, let me look at it. I do want to punch it, but let's get to it.
Tanam: You feel around the edges. It's clear there's a seam, but you don't find anything that you can grab on to.
Don: You know, that disappoints me, because I got a 25 to Investigation.
Tanam: Tell you what, I'll let you hold that for your next one.
Don: Sweet.
Vafrus: Come on, DM, give him a secret button that just opens it.
Don: I know, right? That'll teach me to pre roll my checks. Okay. I punch it. with my thunder gauntlets.
Vafrus: But stealthily. Stealthy thunder.
Don: Yeah, really stealthily thunder gauntlet punch it.
Tanam: Okay, so you're trying to stealthily punch it.
Vafrus: Sorry, are you? I interjected that.
Don: Like, I don't want to alert the neighborhood.
Tanam: yeah.
Don: You know what? I have? I have a spear. I I try to lever it with my spear? Which I should probably roll to see if I actually have or not.
Tanam: would you have carried it in your mirror bag?
Don: Yeah, I mean, what do you think, I'm just gonna walk around town with a spear on my back?
Tanam: Okay, yeah. So go ahead and roll 50 percent chance that you have it.
Don: 31.
Tanam: 31%. Okay. Yeah. We'll say that's-
Don: Is that the good or bad side?
Tanam: I forgot to pick.
Vafrus: Generally higher is better. That's like the rule of most games.
Rozafeen: I have a dagger, we could just stab it and use that as a lever.
Don: I thought the spear with- would have like a little more leverage.
Rozafeen: This is why it takes us an hour and a half to like, find a hotel.
Vafrus: I heard a pile of dice. Is this the new system you're inventing to decide a coin flip?
Don: Tanam needs to roll many dice.
Tanam: Okay, high- high was good.
Don: And it was not good.
Tanam: Georg spends several minutes rooting through his mirror bag and grumbling.
Rozafeen: And I yell, "uuuuuhgh!" And I stab it with my dagger.
Tanam: I guess give me a Strength check?
Vafrus: Stab wood with your dagger, sandy wood.
Rozafeen: It just has to stick.
Tanam: are you trying to, like...
Rozafeen: I'm not gonna miss.
Tanam: are you, you trying to like, lever it open, or are you trying to use it as a handle?
Rozafeen: I'm just trying to give the strong person something to hold, so he can lift it up a little bit and we can get the fuck in there!
Vafrus: Four hours later, they've managed to chisel through the wooden plank thing.
Don: Yeah, you stab it, I try to lever it. Let's do this thing. What am I rollin'?
Rozafeen: Alright, I rolled a 10.
Don: To stab it?
Rozafeen: To- I don't know- for how good of a stab it is.
Tanam: What's your Strength Modifier?
Rozafeen: That's after my negative 1.
Tanam: Okay. stick the knife in.
Vafrus: You guys, you mock me for not knowing what I'm doing.
Don: Okay. Georg gets bored and punches it.
Tanam: Roll me two checks. Strength check and one Stealth check.
Don: So, uh, ha ha ha, the Stealth check is at Disadvantage, that's what the Stealth check is at. hold on. so I got a 9 for Stealth, and, get this, a nat 1 for a Strength check.
Rozafeen: making fun of my dagger placement.
Don: But, okay-
Vafrus: Does it, does it expend anything when you use your thunder punch?
Don: nah, the thunder punch, uh, it deals an additional 1d8, thunder damage on hit. Assuming that counts as me hitting it, it does have Disadvantage on Attack Rolls against me. Or no- against everyone but me.
Tanam: Okay, for the strength failure, take 1d4 damage 'cuz this is an attack against you. You hit it real bad.
Don: Oh, at least I rolled a one on the damage.
Tanam: and then go ahead and roll the 1d8, cause you did hit it, you just hit it bad.
Vafrus: Even on a one, you don't miss the stationary wooden door. Good job.
Don: Five. So, just five on the thunder damage and nothing on the punching it damage?
Tanam: Yeah. be glad you didn't break your hand.
Don: You see Georg, like, punch it, and then, like, roll over and just hold his hand and go like, "Oh, why? Why do I do this?"
Tanam: But with the thunder damage, and the nine on Stealth, there's a loud clap and there's a your-fist-sized hole going through the top of the wood.
Don: Perfect. I try to open what's left of it.
Tanam: You reach under there, and it's kind of hard because your hand hurts, but there's a latch under there, and you can unlatch it.
Don: Yeah, I do that.
Tanam: It's unlatched.
Rozafeen: Alright, how about we get the hell in here before a bunch of people come over to figure out what the thunderclap was.
Don: Let's get in there and- Oh! We can both Mend it.
Rozafeen: Let's get in there and Mend it and stop being visible.
Rozafeen: Oh, and I bring a stick with me so that we have some light. Do you need light?
Don: Uh...
Rozafeen: I don't actually need light, but if you need it-
Don: No, I don't need it.
Rozafeen: great, no stick.
Tanam: So it's dark in there still.
Don: Like, how dark? Darkvision doesn't work dark? Or... normal dark?
Tanam: it's, just normal dark. It's not magically dark.
Rozafeen: evil.
Vafrus: just a stick is not that useful as a torch. Like, it's really hard to get a good amount of light coming from a stick. But, in my headcanon, both of you have darkvision, so neither of you know that. You're like, torches are just sticks. Like, you can light it on fire. What's the problem? You've never needed it before.
Rozafeen: "Can the rest of you see now?"
Tanam: "Losers."
Don: Also, um, we should check if you even have a stick. Not that it matters.
Rozafeen: No, I don't need a stick!
Tanam: So you get down into the hole. It is dark.
Rozafeen: And I believe I already said this, but just to be safe, I took my dagger back.
Tanam: okay. Yeah. It's an important dagger. I'm not going to be like that.
Rozafeen: I pull out my dagger and, "nwnnnana it's still sticking out of the bad door."
Tanam: No, that's not my style, thanks.
Rozafeen: "Roll ta not trip on it."
Tanam: Okay, that is my style. OK, so as you get down into there, it smells strongly of burnt torches and the ground is covered in a layer of soot. There are some wooden steps down into a tunnel that turns at the bottom of it.
Don: It's really dark.
Rozafeen: Mhmm.
Don: Soooo...
Rozafeen: Is there anything else if we look? Like, thank you for that description. I understand that you described what things look like basically but I want to roll an Investigation check just to make sure that I don't miss anything. So could we take a moment to Investigate?
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: Oh and that was a pretty good roll too! Well my Investigation bonus kind of sucks, but it's 17 total.
Tanam: Okay. And Georg, do you want to spend your-
Don: yeah, yeah, might as well, I mean, I'd be looking around too.
Tanam: Or do you want to spend it later on?
Don: No, I feel like holding it for longer is just cheating, so, uh, I'll also look around while rubbing my wrist and going, "Gah! Why did I punch that door? I know better than this."
Rozafeen: I put my hands on my hips and I say, "I don't have that many heals, how big of an emergency is this?"
Don: Did I ask for a heal?
Rozafeen: Yer whinin' like you need one.
Don: Look, I'm whining to myself, thank you very much.
Rozafeen: "Okay, I'll ignore you." And I go back to looking around.
Don: Thank you.
Tanam: So there are old burned out torches on the walls. It looks like they were left burning and they burned all the way down. Although I guess according to Vafrus's headcanon, neither of you know-
Vafrus: Those sticks got used up. They know about how fire works.
Tanam: OK, OK, but they've been burned all the way down. So it looks like someone probably just left the torches burning and they just burned out and left the place smelling extremely smoky.
Don: So there's just soot everywhere, then.
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: I look around to see if there's signs that they had to get out quickly.
Tanam: Let me make sure that I give you all the information that you get from the thing and I will follow up with that.
Don: Perfect.
Tanam: So, you notice in your investigations that the tunnel is turning back towards the house.
Rozafeen: Toward the rental house?
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Tanam: Also, the soot is covering stuff, but there's not been any footsteps; nothing has disturbed the soot. Except the thunder blast at the top of the stairs.
Don: Feel like that's reasonable.
Tanam: But further down the steps, nothing has disturbed it, and then you brush it away as part of your investigation, and just below the layer of soot, there are footprints there. Let's see, what did you roll, Georg?
Don: 25.
Tanam: Okay. the footprints are definitely spider footprints, and with that 25, you can tell they are going out.
Don: Hey, Hellena.
Rozafeen: Yo?
Don: This is where the spiders came from. See? Spider prints. You can tell on account of the spidery-ness of them.
Rozafeen: Can I tell whether the spider prints are coming from the direction of the rental house or from the other direction?
Tanam: They came out of the tunnel, and then they went up the stairs.
Rozafeen: So I think I as a player am not understanding "out of the tunnel" directionally. I'm picturing we opened a door, we went down some wooden stairs, there's some soot everywhere, and in one direction there's a rental house, and in the other direction there's who knows?
Tanam: Sorry, sorry, this is the beginning of a tunnel. The stairs are the entrance to a tunnel. And that tunnel arcs back around so that it's facing back towards the rental house.
Rozafeen: So, there is only one direction from which these prints could have come.
Tanam: Yes, and they came out of the tunnel and ran up the stairs.
Rozafeen: Okay, well, I think we gotta follow the tunnel.
Don: I think they might have been house spiders.
Tanam: In addition, while Georg is showing you the prints, you notice that there's also boot prints-
Rozafeen: Oooooo!
Tanam: -but they are only going in.
Rozafeen: So, this is our caped figure running away, probably.
Don: That makes sense.
Rozafeen: Are they big feet?
Tanam: Based on the size of the boot print, you guess the person wearing it is probably bipedal and between five and six feet tall.
Don: Excellent.
Rozafeen: Okay, so now we go down the tunnel?
Don: Yup.
Tanam: You continue down along the tunnel. You notice that it continues to go back towards the direction of the house, and it opens up and you're in this larger room. With that excellent roll, you can tell that this room is underneath the rental house.
Don: Interesting.
Tanam: There is a large mirror leaned up against the far wall, and it's not ornamental at all. It's about four feet tall, and about six feet wide.
Rozafeen: Hmm.
Don: I'm going to look at that mirror and see if it, uh, has any signs of being a portal mirror.
Tanam: It is, absolutely. If you want to give me a- whatever check that you want to use for this investigation. You could just do straight Investigation or Arcana-
Rozafeen: Animal Handling.
Don: I think I'm going to use Acrobatics. alright, awesome, got a ten.
Rozafeen: How about a 19 on Insight?
Don: Yeah, that's better than my 3 that turned into a 10.
Tanam: Okay, so Insight is normally telling about people.
Rozafeen: Which douche leaned this mirror here?
Vafrus: Discern the intentions of the mirror.
Tanam: I think what you actually get is the way that Georg runs towards the mirror and is saying lots of stuff about it to himself reminds you, Hellena, of how he got all interested in the blueprints for it back in the-
Don: hey, don't go sharin' Georg's secrets!
Tanam: I am not, you are, hehehehe.
Don: That's fair. Completely fair.
Rozafeen: Okay, I want to look around and see if we think that the house is above us, is there any sort of trap door or anything that leads into the house?
Tanam: Roll another Investigation?
Rozafeen: Not Perception, which I'm much better at?
Tanam: Yeah, Perception is fine. You're just looking around.
Rozafeen: OK, that's a big 13.
Don: Can I help and give her Advantage?
Tanam: Sure.
Rozafeen: Ooh, that's a 25.
Tanam: Okay. You look closer at everything. There is no other way out of here. It's just a long tunnel leading to a room with a mirror. And as you clear the soot away, you also see that the spider footprints have leapt out of the mirror. the only explanation for the shapes of the footprints that you find.
Rozafeen: So-
Don: I'mma try to activate the mirror.
Vafrus: Yes!
Rozafeen: I was going to ask what Hellena knows about transportation mirrors.
Tanam: You can both either roll a History or Arcana check.
Rozafeen: That's a 17 on either one, it's the same modifier.
Vafrus: heh.
Tanam: okay.
Don: History is good. 22.
Tanam: So a 17 and a 22. Georg and Hellena, you both know this mirror is sufficiently flawless that it could be used for travel. You also know that this particular type of mirror is used for short term connections between two places, and you also know that it's super illegal to even be in possession of one of these inside of the Lonyu Empire. Anyone using it should have caused the Empire's monitoring to pick up on it. What did you roll again, Georg?
Don: Oh, 22. Also, as the quote unquote last mirror mason, I don't know if that like adds anything technically, but I feel like I should know a lot about it.
Tanam: Yeah with that, and your good roll, you know a couple of additional things that Hellena does not. There's a thing called an Eldrekken, and the Eldrekken is a magical signature that whenever a mirror is being used, people can look for that and find it. But you know that if you have multiple mirrors nearby, and they're both running, it's a bit difficult to distinguish the Eldrekken between them.
Vafrus: Hmm.
Tanam: In addition, know that there's a ritual to find out where the mirror was last connected to.
Don: Nice. Do I know the ritual or just that there is one?
Tanam: think you did roll high enough that you remember the ritual.
Rozafeen: Ooo! Exciting!
Don: Excellent.
Vafrus: You both go into the mirror. We never you again.
Don: Well, instead of trying to just activate the mirror, because I know that's a bad idea, but I want to do it anyway.
Vafrus: You should do it anywa-
Don: A little too much.
Tanam: I will also say that you both know that activating the mirror is way worse than owning it,
Rozafeen: Yeah, I just wanna know where it goes; I don't wanna turn it on.
Vafrus: You don't wanna fight all the spiders right now?
Don: I do want to turn it on, but I don't. Like, I know that it's super illegal, but like, I haven't actually gotten a chance to turn on one of these illegal mirrors, even though I'm very aware of how to make one. So, I don't, but, like, if you could just turn around for a second.
Vafrus: ha
Rozafeen: no!
Vafrus: Ha ha ha
Rozafeen: No, no, no!
Don: Alright, in that case, I'll, uh, I'll just, I'll say, "Okay, so we can figure out where this got connected, and where it was getting used last, so, uh, I'm betting it's going to Spider Land, wherever that is.
Rozafeen: Well, let's see where it is.
Vafrus: Place your bets, everybody, who's the culprit? I really want it to be the Sorceress.
Don: Turns out it was her all along!
Vafrus: I don't think that's the answer, but I really want it to be.
Don: Go back and re steal all her stuff. I feel like she would've just killed us-
Don: but yeah, I'm gonna try to do that ritual.
Tanam: So, you are fully aware of how to do the ritual, and that is why you know that it takes an hour, and four people.
Don: Real convenient, that.
Vafrus: Unsplit the party, thus saith the DM.
Rozafeen: That is some DM bullshit is what that is. Am I gonna have to punch this thing again? .
Tanam: I don't know, stick your knife into it; find out!
Don: I go, "take like an hour, and we're gonna need the other two here, but I could just activate it."
Tanam: Oh. As a side note, you do not have to be physically present by the mirror in order to do it, as long as you have touched the mirror once.
Don: Oh! I mean-
Rozafeen: Ohhhhhh.
Don: Yeah, I totally knew that.
Rozafeen: I feel like the heavens want us to go back to the hotel.
Don: The heavens do seem to want that, yeah.
Rozafeen: Or failing that, I have to pee.
Don: let's go back to that hotel, and wait for Urekas to get done with her date. If she comes back tonight. I guess she's in the hotel, isn't she?
Tanam: Yes, she's at the theater, which is in the hotel.
Don: But yeah, we should go back, there anything else around? Like, we were looking for ways into the actual rental house, and there wasn't one, but is there any other side tunnels or anything else we should know about in here?
Tanam: No, it was just the one tunnel and it's a bit confusing because you're pretty sure that this is not at all physically connected to the house. It's just that the room is under the house. And all the distance that you walked away from the house, you covered it back to get back to underneath the house, so it's not really super clear why it would be shaped like that.
Don: I want to look for signs that- was it built with the same materials as the house? It's under the house, but that could mean anything.
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: Like, they could have not known that. Even though it's a little stupid when they go to dig the foundation, but they could potentially have not known that. Ooooorrr it could have been built with the house.
Tanam: So, from your memory of the building materials, and also remembering looking at the blue- I mean, the blueprints were bad, but, they seemed to indicate everything that was a feature of the house, and this was not part of that, and the construction seems to be hasty and magically done. It was just, carved in.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I wanna kick some soot aside and see if the floor is dirt or if there's anything going on under there.
Tanam: It's all dirt. It looks like someone magically carved this tunnel.
Don: Sooooo, say it looks like it's magically carved by a Sorceress, or anything?
I don't want to point any fingers.
Rozafeen: Are there any lizard prints?
Tanam: no, just spiders.
Rozafeen: Hey, the boots that we saw, the boot prints, did they run into the mirror? They were only one direction.
Tanam: Yeah, they were coming back in and they went into the mirror.
Rozafeen: Hmm.
Don: So when we've got four of us, we can tell where that was.
Vafrus: It's gotta be Tagak. Did they see on the wall carved "Tagak and Teep forever! XX."
Don: I don't know, my money's on Beebs.
Vafrus: Yes! It's gotta be Beebs.
Don: Fantastic breakfast and... spider-murderer. But in all seriousness.
Rozafeen: Let's get out of here. And on the outside, I'm gonna do a little light wind to try to cover our tracks so that there's not, like, soot all over with little our-foot shaped prints. I mean, if I could light wind a few times such that it's not even clear that someone was here, that would be ideal. But...
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. Destroy the evidence. Do it.
Tanam: What would that be? Like, Performance?
Don: Maybe Arcana, right?
Vafrus: How 'bout Stealth, because you're trying to hide something.
Harmony: Cleaning off the chocolate?
Don: Right.
Rozafeen: Favorite euphemism. No, I mean, we broke the door, we Mended the door. There's sand all around, right? If I'm remembering our-
Tanam: Yeah, it's just that the soot was like, very undisturbed.
Rozafeen: I'm not saying that once someone opens the door, they can't tell that we walked around and that we aren't spiders or whatever.
Tanam: Ohhh!
Rozafeen: I'm saying that on top of the door, someone walking past coming back home, won't see our footprints on top of this door.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, that works. I mean, do you want to do Pass Without a Trace on your way out?
Rozafeen: Yeahhh.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I like the wind plan.
Don: pretty genius.
Rozafeen: I mean, that- that's a cantrip for me as opposed to using an important spell slot.
Vafrus: Yeah, and it's probably enough, do the wind.
Rozafeen: I don't know I feel like the heavens are giving me a hint, here.
Tanam: No, no, no, no, no, no-
Don: I mean, I can pour a gallon of wine on it from my alchemy jug,
Tanam: I think the wind is good.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Vafrus: You guys leave find the ten people who have gathered around the hole wondering about the thunder sound.
Rozafeen: I don't know, I have feeling we were down there for a long ass time.
Don: Yeah, probably.
Vafrus: You're right; it's 40 people now.
Tanam: Okay. You poke your heads out and there is in fact no one there. so either they came and investigated and got bored or were not able to hear the thunderclap over the sound of the band.
Vafrus: Or there's a lot of noises at the party and no one really worries about it.
Tanam: yeah,
Rozafeen: Thunderclap every two minutes, baby.
Tanam: No, that's a little bit further back south. There's definitely that place. But, this is up at the more expensive end of things, it doesn't tend to be the thunderclap zone. But regardless, there's nobody here.
Rozafeen: okay. Can we go back to the hotel now?
Tanam: Yes, so Hellena can pee.
Don: Yup.
Tanam: Urekas is at the show in an outfit with a headboard as part of it, with the Mindlord.
Harmony: I still have the followers on either side of the headboard.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Harmony: Cool.
Tanam: They put you in the back so that your headboard wouldn't obstruct the view of everyone behind you.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, the headboard. The headboard. Oh, Harmony, your characters are the best.
Don: ha
Rozafeen: he tried to give you that cool symbolic bag of rocks, and you'd never heard of them, and you were like, "uh huh?"
Harmony: But my smile was so charming.
Vafrus: Culturally significant bag of rocks.
Harmony: Like, thanks, here's some grass I picked outside.
Vafrus: Oh.
Tanam: Okay, so he starts to, like, move towards his place. You know, trying to take you along with him.
Vafrus: Boy, how awkward is it trying to, like, date someone who's got this parade of people with-
Harmony: Oh, well, I mean, I just look at him, and I go, "Hey, so, my bed is this direction."
Tanam: Yeah, .Let's see. How good is his response? Oh man. Oh, I had a good one too, but that was not a good one.
Vafrus: So, first tell us what he thinks, and then afterward, what comes out of his mouth. How it sounds in his head, versus-
Tanam: So he has a witty quip about, "No, I think your bed is on top of your head." but, he tries to say that and stumbles a lot " you're bet, wait, my, it's, it's, your... head!"
Vafrus: "No, you're a bed!"
Harmony: Awwwww.
Tanam: "um, uh, um, uh..." but I think he does recover and is like, "I'll gladly accompany you back to the hotel."
Harmony: Well, thank you.
Tanam: Let's move forward, and you are in the hallway in the hotel, outside of your room.
Harmony: Okay. I give them a hug, and I ask, would you like to cuddle for a couple of minutes?
Vafrus: I announce, "Prepare the cuddling brigade!"
Harmony: It's a bunch of trumpets.
Rozafeen: Wait. "Brigade"? Does that mean all the followers are going to cuddle him?
Don: What, are you gonna leave them out of the cuddle? That's just mean.
Harmony: They want cuddles, too!
Vafrus: I assume the followers are super on board with the Cuddle Brigade that they've never heard of before.
Harmony: Definitely.
Tanam: He says, "I would love to! Uh, here?" indicates the hallway.
Harmony: no no no, my bed's in the bedroom.
Tanam: Is it, though?
Harmony: Oh wait, is my bed at his house?
Tanam: It was disassembled. And you're wearing the headboard.
Harmony: So it's just carpet? In my room?
Tanam: And other furniture.
Rozafeen: I assume there's a mattress still.
Tanam: Yeah, I guess they brought the mattress back.
Vafrus: Uh huhhh
Tanam: There's a mattress and pieces. So do you open the door or do you want to not open the door? Do you want to go into someone else's room?
Harmony: Oh! Ooohhhoohh. Oh that's interesting. Um, no, it can go inside my room.
Vafrus: Yeah, Urekas never admits to being wrong about anything. The bed is here.
Tanam: it Is, mostly. And now that she has arrived, It is entirely there.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah. I just lay down in the center of the mattress, right? So the headboard is kind of where it's supposed to be.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I'm just impressed that she didn't just go into Georg's room and decide to use that bed.
Vafrus: How many people follow you into the room?
Tanam: Okay, no, but no, no, hold on, okay, so you lay down on the mattress, the followers follow you,
Harmony: Mmhmm.
Tanam: This is a complicated maneuver, Unhh, it's- it does not look great, but they don't drop it on you or anything. And you are now lying on the bed with the headboard still blocking your top of your head to hide the helm. The followers are standing there still holding the headboard. The mattress is on the floor and there are sheets in strategic locations and big piles.
Vafrus: Endless sheets.
Tanam: He. follows you into the room and is sort of eyeing the headboard followers. Just awkwardly lays down and, like-
Vafrus: Can I have not followed them into the room? Can I just abandon this whole charade now?
Tanam: Yeah, yeah. that's probably accurate to-
Vafrus: As much as I'd love to be in the room, like, not this room,
Tanam: yeah, he awkwardly like- 'cause your head is still covered by the head board, so he cuddles up to you and lays on you on the crook of your arm.
Harmony: Oh, that's sweet. Does he have a pillow as well? I mean, he's in the crook of the arm, but I figure the headboard is really long and maybe isn't super comfortable. For him.
Tanam: Wait, so the headboard is-
Harmony: We're in the headboard, right? But he's in the crook of the arm. I'm just wondering if he would also want a little pillow.
Tanam: I'm trying to figure out the geometry. But sure, you can give him a little pillow.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: It's a little ornamental one was like on top of the other ones. and it's kind of lacy and, someone stitched the hotel's name into it. uh, you kind of push it under his head.
Rozafeen: So, as funny as it would be to hear this level of step by step detail from now until everyone taking a shower, don't know if I'm here for it.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Thanks, here's some grass I picked outside.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Fantastic breakfast and... spider-murderer
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: You don't have to pray yourself. You just have to let us touch your foot.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Do you want your whole entourage there, too, my lady? Of course you do! They follow you everywhere! And I'm part of it now. Let's do this!
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: You solved my "it's still dark" puzzle.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Tanam: in addition, while Georg is showing you the prints, you notice that there's also boot prints-
Rozafeen: Oooooo
Tanam: -but they are only going in.
Rozafeen: So, this is our caped figure running away, probably.
Don: That makes sense.
Rozafeen: are they big feet? Halfling feet?
Don: feel like with a 25 I should get a shoe size.
Tanam: yeah,
Rozafeen: Region of origin of the boot. Or is that in the 30s?
Vafrus: Tagak like to wear boots, right?
Don: I recognize that cobbler's print anywhere!
Tanam: Okay, yeah, with the, 25, and, Hellena working on it too with a pretty good roll. The person with the boots, you'd expect them to be between like four and a half and, six feet tall, somewhere in that range.
Don: That does not narrow it down a ton.
Rozafeen: Are you trying to say ordinary human size?
Tanam: yeah, well, so I, I'm trying to say that without saying that because it's not. Like, it doesn't make sense in the context of the world.
Don: They got normal foot size.
Tanam: well, it's not normal, is the point.
Don: we don't want to exclude any large footed types.
Vafrus: Between zero and nine meters.
Tanam: Do we want to just leave it there, and we can decide next time where to pick up?
Harmony: Yes.
Vafrus: I think we just have to abandon Urekas. Like-
Rozafeen: I think we have a mutual understanding that this is happening.
Vafrus: Urekas has made her decision. gonna take at least ten episodes to resolve that. So while that's going on, we're gonna have to, we're just gonna have an adventure.
Don: I don't know, I think we can just play whatever the Knight Flute version of "Careless Whisper" is and call it good.