The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, The Intern.
So, my boss has sent me another voicemail.
This one provides some interesting background.
The Boss: I have been hearing references to an "Olhana." Some
things need to be clarified.
Feel free to use this in your podcast.
Let me rephrase that.
Use this in the next episode of your podcast.
Hannah Smith-Jones-Miller is a former employee of Inside the Box Sciences,
Inc. At the time of her employment, she was a sales representative
in the Pharmaceutical Division.
She was not a member of the lab staff.
Ms. Smith-Jones-Miller had participated in a company
sponsored opportunity to incarnate.
Using a patented process that transported volunteers into experimental
world 62C, she followed procedures during the approved incarnation.
But later that night, she gained unauthorized access to the lab
and incarnated for a second time.
During that unapproved incarnation, she assumed the alias "Olhana" and
participated in unapproved activities with an experimental world inhabitant.
As soon as we learned about the breach, Ms. Smith-Jones-Miller was terminated
and security has been increased.
Also, I'm still waiting for that coffee I requested an hour ago.
The Intern: So, yeah, Olhana was actually Hannah Smith-Jones-Miller.
I never met her, but I've heard some stories.
If you bring up Incarnation in the cafeteria, at least one person,
sometimes more, will share their, uh, speculation about what the
"unapproved activities" were.
Most of the time I'm like, I'm good bro, I don't need to hear your fanfic.
Over the past few days, I've been trying to get a better
idea of what Hannah was like.
Everyone agrees that she was extremely touchy-feely, like,
no grasp of personal space.
Some people thought she was annoying, but other people thought
that she was absolutely hilarious.
One person I talked to said both.
So, yeah, that's the Goddess Olhana.
Just touchy-feely Hannah from pharma sales.
This place is so weird.
Vafrus: Hey everybody!
Tanam: Hey, how's it going?
Harmony: Hello
Don: Hey.
Tanam: Oh, you don't look so good.
Don: Yeah, you either.
Tanam: Thanks.
Don: kidding.
kidding.
Yeah, I caught some kind of plague.
Tanam: I just, we, you know, we can feel blessed that Olhana has, touched us all.
Sorry.
Don: Yeah, that's, that's just what we wanted, that touch.
Need to teach Olhana about the bad touch.
Vafrus: Is there any way to, like, discourage Olhana?
Rozafeen: Like, Olhana, I just wanna be friends.
Vafrus: Yeah, touch someone else instead.
Harmony: Olhana, buy me dinner first.
Tanam: Okay, I'm not sure how I feel about the, uh,
Harmony: Olhana started it.
Vafrus: So Tanam, last time we were, uh, Oh, it's date time, right?
Tanam: yes, it is date time.
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Tanam: the headboard has been tested.
Vafrus: It works perfectly!
No problems found at all!
Harmony: Yeah, I have extra tickets for my friends to hold my hat during the play.
And if anybody behind me complains, I want to ask the birds to, you know, just
be obnoxious, like, peck their heads.
Tanam: wait, did you buy tickets for the birds as well?
Harmony: But do the birds need tickets?
Can't they just stand around and act like statues?
Tanam: I guess if they come in riding the hat, they can just
seem to be part of the hat.
Harmony: Okay, yeah, let's do that.
And I want a kind of a tower of birds.
It'll be nice because they can help me if anything goes
wonky, and I'm sure it won't.
I'm sure tonight will go really smooth.
Tanam: so, I think the plan was that you were going to, I don't know, we
made this plan so long ago yesterday.
cause I don't think that the Mindlord yet knows about the play.
Harmony: Oh right, I was going to go over to the Mindlord's house.
Tanam: Yes.
Rozafeen: We should just start where you want em.
Vafrus: Yeah, every time we play it out, there's a chance that we just
attack the Mindlord and have to roll for initiative and everything, like-
Harmony: What if the birds went to the Mindlord and presented him with tickets
to the play and a note for him to meet me?
Tanam: ohooo!
Vafrus: That's so cute!
That's such a cool like date invitation idea.
Plus, the birds are stupid, so they can't give away any of our plans.
Harmony: Excuse you!
Tanam: Well, the one time I believe that you tried to send a bird to do a
thing, we still haven't resolved what happened, because that bird flew away
because you communicated so badly.
Harmony: Well, what if I send 10 birds and I communicate 10 different times?
I have to have a good roll, right?
Tanam: You don't have ten birds, you have three, well, two right now.
Harmony: I have two birds.
I want to keep at least one bird.
I could try my luck with the other
bird.
Tanam: With one bird.
You could do Talk to Animals again.
That will definitely improve your chances of communicating with the bird.
Last time I believe you you mimed it, I think, or something, which
might have been part of the reason why it didn't go so well.
Harmony: I made a mistake.
Weird.
Tanam: That couldn't have happened.
Harmony: Yeah, I think you might be confused, but you know what?
Okay.
yeah, I kindly ask the bird, please present these tickets
and note to the Mindlord.
And when you come back, I'll get you waffles.
Tanam: And what does the note say?
Harmony: It says, "My Dearest Deary, I cordially invite you to watch
a play with me tonight. Be there and bring the chocolate fountain."
Tanam: Wait, did you leave the chocolate fountain?
Harmony: Yeah, I left's Georg's chocolate fountain there.
Don: That's where my chocolate fountain went.
Harmony: No, I think we should keep the chocolate fountain
there for now, on second thought.
How about "be there and I'll bring the chocolate"?
Vafrus: Obtain a new chocolate fountain and bring it.
Tanam: Whose are you stealing this time?
Harmony: Oh, uh, does anyone else have a fountain left?
Do we have any?
Don: Don't give her your fountain.
She just steals it.
Harmony: Ruffort?
You look so buff when you weight lift that fountain and hand it over to me.
Vafrus: Sure, do I even have a fountain?
If I have one, you can probably have it.
Go ahead and roll.
Harmony: Okay, we all got fountains.
Vafrus: I'm gonna say the DC is 10.
Harmony: Okay, I only rolled a four.
Tanam: Well, roll again.
Harmony: Oh, okay,
Vafrus: Plus, you know, some Charisma skill.
Harmony: I rolled a two.
Tanam: Well, like, you have Deception, right?
Vafrus: Oh, because I don't look buff.
Oh, I'm so sad.
Okay, yep.
But I think I do.
I'm yeah, I do.
And then I like valiantly struggle to get the fountain in all by myself,
refusing all help but it takes like, you know, ten minutes puffing
and huffing by the side of the-
Tanam: so is the chocolate fountain going with you to the play?
Is that the-
Vafrus: I could be the chocolate fountain bearer!
Harmony: Oh!
Yeah!
Tanam: Would you voluntarily go into the same room as a Mindlord?
Vafrus: I mean, for Urekas, and if he's not going to be paying
attention to me, it's probably fine.
Harmony: You could pretend to be an usher at the play and just keep a watchful eye
on us to make sure everything's fine.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Harmony: Or you could pretend to be an actor.
Vafrus: I'm a per- oh,
I'm gonna join the performance!
Scripts are for the weak.
Tanam: while holding the chocolate fountain?
Vafrus: I mean, it really depends, you know, Urekas's wish is my command.
Harmony: How about you pose as stage manager?
Vafrus: Alright, I heard "gotta kill the stage manager
and replace them." Excellent.
Tanam: Guys.
Don: love this because now, none of the props are going to be anywhere
that they're supposed to be.
It's going to be an absolute disaster.
Vafrus: Hi everyone, I've decided we're doing a different play.
I know this production has been going on for years.
Doesn't matter.
Today-
Tanam: Okay, so are you all discussing this as a group, is this-
Vafrus: So far, I'm just carrying an, uh chocolate fountain, and sure,
I'll have asked, "can I be your chocolate fountain bearer, Urekas?"
Harmony: Absolutely.
Vafrus: No one needs to be murdered for that plan.
Harmony: And you can share the chocolate with the actors behind
stage, just to give them all energy they need to do a great performance!
Vafrus: Nothing goes great with a well tailored costume like
liquid chocolate and no utensils.
Tanam: Are you, like, bringing a bag of fruit or something?
Vafrus: There's no fruit.
It's just the fountain.
Harmony: They have cups.
Oh!
Also, the note says the name of the play, "Tana and Olhana."
Tanam: Okay, the bird flies off and the remaining bird and the
rest of the followers help you get everything back on since you had
it off while you were being sneaky.
The theater is in the hotel so we don't need to, uh, roleplay the walk over there.
Vafrus: Ruffort kills four people on the way.
Tanam: Roll a 1d20 to see how many people you kill on the way.
[laughter]
Vafrus: Oh, yes, I'm honored by such a high... and that you
assume it must be least one.
There's no world in which Ruffort doesn't least kill one person on the way.
Thirteen, by the way.
Tanam: uh, we'll resolve that later.
Vafrus: Just a small massacre.
Tanam: You arrive at the theater with your entourage.
Are you going to wait outside the theater for the Mindlord,
or are you going to go inside?
Harmony: I'll wait for him.
Tanam: Okay, after not too long, the bird arrives back, noteless,
and lands on the other side of the headboard thus rebalancing it.
Oh, wait, you wanted them to stand in a tower?
Or, since you only have two, do you want them, like, one on each end?
Harmony: Yeah, I'll do one on each end.
Tanam: So, you are now fully birded-
Vafrus: Fully birded.
And then The Second shows up, oh, bird got the wrong address.
He's so excited about the play though!
And he doesn't even remember you, even though he just saw you earlier today
and got knocked down several times!
Tanam: And coffee dumped on him!
Vafrus: He's just thinking, "play, play..."
Harmony: Oh, I have a theory!
Do we think that The Second is being mind controlled by someone?
Hopefully not my date, but it's a thought that's occurred to me, you know, Mindlord.
Vafrus: I don't know that anyone would need to mind control him, I think you
just, like, tell him what to do and that there's money it and he does it
Harmony: but the thought pattern of walk, right foot, left foot, right foot, right?
Vafrus: actually, yeah, that's a pretty good, that's a pretty good theory.
Don: My money's still on golems.
Rozafeen: So, after we gave you a little bit of grief about it, I
then the next time I was going to go do something, noticed that in
my head, I was reminding myself to drop off thing that I was carrying.
I was going someplace, and I had a thing in my hand, and I needed to drop it off
on the way to the place that I was going.
I didn't want to forget to do that.
I literally was walking around saying to "drop off the thing, drop off the drop off
drop off the thing." So I was wondering if you did that actually on purpose and we
should not have teased you and instead we were being silly and not picking up a hint
about the fact that The Second did want to do the thing that he was repeating,
but also had some other thing to go to and if you were like inviting us to delve
more or you know trying to give us a encouragement to go a certain direction.
Harmony: Come to think of it, I do that too.
If I need to bring things with me and I'm two seconds out the door, I repeat
all the stuff I need to bring multiple times until they're in my hands.
Then I have to use the bathroom, and I forget.
Don: Surely that's not the only thing in your head.
Tanam: Well, but it's surface thoughts, right?
Don: Sure, but surface thoughts will also include other random stuff, right?
Harmony: Well, you know, something we could do, after the play, maybe the
Mindlord and I go help spy on Beebs and The Second, and maybe the Mindlord and
I try to read The Second's mind deeper.
Vafrus: Ooooooooooo mindreading date, you could be like, "hey,
can you give me some pointers?
I tried to mindread someone, and I got this weird, like," and
he's like "oh, yeah, you gotta-"
Tanam: just to remind everyone the reason why there's the giant headboard
is to hide from view the helm that Urekas totally did not steal.
Vafrus: Even so, I assume the date's just going so well that he's
gonna be on board anyway, like.
Don: I mean also, if she totally didn't steal it then it should be fine, right?
Harmony: On our last date, he liked that we could read each
other's minds without talking, because it made it more efficient.
Rozafeen: He knows you have the helm.
He went deeper into her mind and saw the image of the bedside gift.
Harmony: Oh!
okay.
Tanam: shall we get through the actual play first?
Harmony: Yes, yeah, let's enjoy the play.
Oh, when I see the Mindlord, I just go, "Hey there."
Tanam: [laughter] The Mindlord catches your clever reference to the play that
you guys are gonna see and chuckles a bit.
And I rolled to determine this: the Mindlord is happy to be there.
Harmony: Oh.
Tanam: He is not upset that you changed plans at the last minute and made him
walk all the way over to the Hall.
[laugh]
Harmony: I'd hoped he'd be impressed, but okay.
Tanam: Oh would you like me to roll to see if he's impressed well?
Okay, what is this even, I don't know, we'll just set a DC and find out.
Vafrus: your, what's your making birds skill?
Tanam: so that, that did not go well, so he is, he is not impressed by the outfit.
He definitely notices it, but he's not like, oh, this is amazing.
Harmony: Oh, I see.
Tanam: But he's not mean about it or anything, he doesn't bring it up.
Vafrus: I make an insight check to detect on his face?
His- his unimpressedness?
With my incredible Insight powers?
Tanam: Okay, yeah, I mean, feel free, but if it goes badly, it's gonna go badly.
Vafrus: All right, that's a nine.
He's impressed.
I can tell.
Harmony: Maybe I can redirect.
How about we walk to our seats, but while we're walking, I ask,
"What's your favorite thing you've learned about me so far?"
Tanam: It's really important when going on a date to make sure that the
other person talks about themselves, so you need to ask questions.
Harmony: Yeah, to make it about him.
reading his mind as I'm asking this
Vafrus: Oh, actually pretty shrewd.
Oh, but also amazing.
Ask the other person questions so that they talk about themselves.
Tanam: Oh wow.
Vafrus: Does he have any surface thoughts about recent sleuthing he's been doing?
Tanam: So, he rolled a one on how well he responded to that question,
so he's going to critical fail this.
What does failure mean in this case?
Is he, saying something rude?
Or is he saying something that gives away a bunch of information?
Don: Both!
Vafrus: He just pulls out a bag of money and hands it to you.
He thought that was an appropriate response.
Don: I think he should be like, "well, I'm mind controlling the Second, and, uh,
you know, also you suck," or something.
Rozafeen: I would really go for, "I'm mind controlling the Second,
and I think that you're the hottest thing I have ever seen."
Vafrus: "Would you like to go mind-control him together for the
second half of our date, ahhh?"
Don: I like it.
Vafrus: but that's what we think.
What do you think, Tanam?
Tanam: Oh, let's see, I'm trying to incorporate this critical
failure as part of this.
Answering a question about, "what's your favorite thing you learned about
me?" with a comment on your physical appearance is definitely a critical
failure with that kind of question.
And then as well, yeah, revealing information.
So, he says, "I was at the marketplace yesterday-" is this his voice?
Vafrus: No.
Tanam: Does anyone remember his voice?
Harmony: Uh, when he's been seduced, he has a pleasant, soft voice.
Tanam: not sure that that's in the- let me look up my notes on this...
Vafrus: Pretty sure he has a Fyoos accent.
Do that.
Tanam: uh, very big and heavy, long fine back hair down to his mid back,
dark purple scales, very thin pointy ears sticking up past the top of his
head, handsome, stuffy, and bored.
I probably would have done him more gruff.
"I'm-" oh, bored.
I have to go bored.
Stuffy and bored.
" I, found you- I saw you yesterday in the marketplace, in your getup.
And saw what you did to the Second, that was, uh- that was pretty good.
And also, you looked extremely attractive while you did it."
Harmony: Oh, thank you.
What were you doing in the marketplace?
And I'm reading his mind.
Tanam: Oh, that's right.
What he's saying is coming out his mouth and also in his head; there's
nothing else on the surface there.
After you ask him what he was doing in the marketplace, you get a brief image
of him talking to one of the vendors.
And getting a small glass flower, palm sized for him.
And he says, "Funny you should mention that." And he reaches into a
bag and hands you a gift wrapped in nice paper with a little bow on it.
Harmony: That is so sweet.
Can I open this now?
Tanam: "Sure, yeah."
Harmony: Okay.
I open it, and I give him a big hug, and I kiss him on the cheek.
Tanam: Do you look to see what it is first?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, actually, I should do that first.
Vafrus: Severed ear of your mother.
"I love it!"
Tanam: So it is not the glass flower.
Harmony: Oh.
What is it?
Tanam: Ah.
That's a good question.
Harmony: Is it a box of shattered glass?
Maybe he broke it.
Vafrus: What's in the container?
Could be like a key to his really nice bathroom that she loved.
Tanam: Hehehehehehehehehehe.
Vafrus: Not to his house.
You have to somehow be in the house, but you can get in the bathroom with this key.
Tanam: Yeah.
No.
oh.
I know what it is.
Oh, this is good.
It is a small pouch.
Harmony: Okay,
Vafrus: It's another present!
Tanam: It's a little bag and it's got a drawstring on it.
Harmony: I'm afraid to ask if anything is in this pouch.
Tanam: No no no no no.
The decision has been made.
There's definitely something in there.
Harmony: Okay, fine, I open the pouch.
Tanam: As you're about to open it, He says "No! Wait wait wait wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait. It'll ruin the effectiveness, or at least, that's
what the common folks say in Virindale."
Harmony: Okay, I love a good tease.
And we go inside.
Vafrus: So, Calumn, who's not wearing Ruffort's face currently- I'm just someone
random- is seething that someone has given her a gift that she apparently likes
and is just "grrrr, this guy's an ass!"
Tanam: Also definitely recognizes what that pouch is.
Vafrus: Oh!
Tanam: It's, about the right size and lumpiness to be a four stone pouch.
Vafrus: Why would he be giving a four stone pou- I mean, I'm still
mad about it, but that's confusing.
Tanam: I don't think that Urekas knows about four stone pouches, so
I think we can just continue as-is.
Vafrus: Wait, is he just being a gentleman?
Is he just like, "Here's my only weakness"?
Tanam: Okay, so you say just "thank you" and head on in and he was expecting
a little bit more and so he is like, "oh, okay." And you guys head in.
Vafrus: So wait, I know that it's just a bag rocks.
Can I tell that Urekas doesn't know what it is?
Tanam: Well, I don't know.
Roll Insight.
Vafrus: My favorite stat.
15.
Tanam: Oh wow.
Pretty good.
yeah, yeah, I think you can tell that she's like, "okay, it's a bag."
Vafrus: Yeah, but I'm gonna try to find a moment that I can whisper to
her, "Look inside." I don't want her to be impressed by this present.
Tanam: So the theater is not very big.
It's not a huge grand theater.
It's, obviously intended for regular shows, but not grand productions.
But, everything is plush.
It looks like it was very expensive to build.
It's just not expansive.
There's not a huge number of people there already, and the usher looks up
to the top of the headboard and you see them doing some quick calculations
and, takes you to a row near the back, but in the center and, says very
graciously, "Ah, yes, for our favorite guest, the best seats are in this row."
Rozafeen: Don't they have some box seats?
Tanam: it's not that big of a theater.
Harmony: Yeah, but for me?
Like, they didn't build me one?
Vafrus: Also, we prefer hardwood flooring, for next time.
Harmony: Yeah, we tend to spill a lot.
Okay, I accept the seat.
It's more privacy for me and my date.
Vafrus: Six people crowd in.
Harmony: And two birds.
Tanam: He said the special people with big hats?
Best seats in the house.
Vafrus: They heard you were coming; how could they not?
Harmony: Also, the actors personally thank me for showing up, right?
Vafrus: How rude if they don't.
Tanam: So, because of the rescheduling, the Mindlord arrived just in time.
Someone in a fancy cloak walks up the center aisle and walks up onto
the stage, turns around dramatically, and says, "Welcome, everyone, to
the Great World Gambling Hall Hotel Theater!" There's some polite applause.
Harmony: And the birds are flapping their wings.
Tanam: The guy in the cloak continues on, as if there were thunderous applause.
"Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you. Tonight we will be presenting
you with the most delightful love story, Tana and Olhana." And pauses
for dramatic effect and there's some more scattered light applause.
Again, continuing as if everybody's cheering.
"Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, please, please, please, please calm down so that we
can start the show!" And he points to the candle lights that are around the
edges, and they all extinguish at once.
And the stage lights light up, and he runs backstage.
Harmony: I just- I squeeze the Mindlord's hand.
Tanam: Roll for squeezing.
Harmony: Do I get to add anything to it?
Tanam: Charisma.
Harmony: Okay, with my Charisma that is a 23.
Tanam: Okay, yep.
So that was a contested roll, and you destroyed him.
Harmony: Broke his hand?
Tanam: No, it was just an excellent move.
He is further smitten.
I should have made a minigame for this.
Vafrus: Calumn continues to just seethe.
This may have been a bad move for me to come on the date, but not be the date.
Tanam: The question is- and here's the other minigame- is how long
can Calumn avoid using magic?
Vafrus: The first resort is going to be this giant chocolate fountain
that I'm carrying, that's- That's, the weapon choice right now.
But I'm not going to do anything yet.
We've just started, we're fine.
This was the plan.
Bag of rocks.
Like, it's a good bag of rocks, I understand.
But she might not, she probably doesn't understand.
It's a bag of rocks.
I pull out my four stone pouch and I'm comparing to see if it's bigger.
Tanam: have you like, set down the chocolate fountain
on a chair or something?
Vafrus: Yeah.
I don't have the stamina to like hold it up for very long anyway.
So yeah, it's just like on ground you know, with something like that.
I'll pick it up again in minute, nobody's paying attention to me.
Tanam: And so the play proceeds.
I'm not going to narrate the entire tale.
Vafrus: Oh no, you're not gonna improv an entire play?
Come on, Tanam!
Rozafeen: I want voices.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, and, and props.
and the music!
You got your recorder stones ready, right?
I'm pretty sure there's a musical number at the end of Tana and Olhana, right?
Tanam: Oh, don't you even start.
I think it's mostly there's a lot of versions of it and I don't really
want to pick which one is- , like, I know which one I think is real.
Vafrus: Oh, that's your aversion to this plan.
You don't want to choose a favorite.
Tanam: no, no, it's not that I don't want to choose a favorite, it's that I
don't want to push my beliefs on y'all, in terms of how this actually went down.
Vafrus: All right, well, you're, off the hook this time, Tanam,
but next time there's a play-
Tanam: Okay, so what we're going to do now is we're going to roll for
the acting ability of the two leads.
Harmony: Surely Calumn is helping by being a supportive stage manager.
Vafrus: No, I'm just holding the chocolate.
Tanam: Or not holding the chocolate as the case may be.
Vafrus: I'm not casting Eldritch Blast at anybody.
That's my contribution.
Tanam: So, according to the rolls, the actor portraying Tana is pretty good.
It's not the most amazing performance you've ever seen,
but the performance is passable.
The actor playing Olhana is not... good?
A very, clumsy performance.
The play goes fine, but The whole point is the chemistry between Tana and Olhana.
They don't have the chemistry that, you would hope from this play.
And it ruins the mood a bit.
Harmony: that's so disappointing.
Well, can I just whisper to my date, if that had been us, we would have
been way better, without acting.
Tanam: Ohhooooooo.
roll another contested Charisma roll here.
Harmony: 17.
Tanam: Yeah he's turning into putty in your hands.
Vafrus: I'm just muttering to myself, "It's not real, she's just acting.
She's just acting.
she's just a really good actress.
It's just like the play- play is not-" and then I see how like performers
aren't good. And I'm like, "no!
It's real!
Apparently, I can see through acting perfectly!
I've just discovered this is a power I have!"
Tanam: "I must have learned it in the desert fighting lizards!"
Vafrus: Ruffort now believes even mild deception attempts
of everyone from now on.
Tanam: Okay, so the play is about an hour and a half, which is
relevant for our parallel process that's going at this very moment.
The play finishes up and there's some scattered applause; it's
not so little that it's rude.
Everyone is clapping, except for the followers who are holding the headboard.
Harmony: Yeah, they couldn't.
But they are whistling.
Tanam: And the birds are squawking a bit.
Vafrus: Do you keep subtly flirting with him the whole time?
Harmony: Yeah, I'm also- I'm reading his mind a little bit, like
I'm putting my hand on his leg.
Tanam: Oh so do you read his mind and then put your hand on his leg?
Harmony: Actually, no, I put my hand his leg and then read his mind.
Tanam: You can just continuously keep doing it.
Vafrus: Before and after.
Tanam: Are you trying to pay attention to the play-?
Vafrus: I'm trying to distract myself in any way that I can.
My hands are like, shaking as I'm trying not to dump this entire
fountain of chocolate on this guy.
Harmony: Well, the play just ended.
Tanam: During the performance, were you trying to pay attention at all?
Harmony: Yeah, but I was more paying attention to how my date was feeling.
Tanam: I think, because of the split attention, where you're
mostly paying attention to the date- What do y'all think?
Perception check to find out how well you paid attention
to the play in the background?
Or do we think that's a Intelligence check for keeping track of
multiple things at the same time?
Rozafeen: What's she better at?
Harmony: Well, I'm better at Performance, so I could be
pretending to enjoy the play.
Tanam: it's not a matter of acting like you're enjoying it.
It's more a matter of, did you take in any of it, or did you
totally miss it because you weren't paying attention to other things?
Harmony: Okay, well, my Perception is plus two, my Intelligence is zero.
Tanam: Go ahead and do a Perception.
You can see if you noticed the play.
Harmony: I rolled a two, soo... Four!
Tanam: You are so engrossed in your minigame of turning the Mind lord into
putty, that you completely did not pay attention to the performance at all.
And I'll say as a result of that, your applause at the end is
out of step with how good it was.
Rozafeen: Wait, but didn't she already say that she told him it would have
been way better if it was them?
Tanam: Oh, that's true.
Okay.
Rozafeen: You sound so sad.
Harmony: But maybe I say that no matter what, because it's a compliment, right?
Even if they were great.
Tanam: Okay.
Are you okay with it being that you just are now noticing
that there was a play going on?
Harmony: Okay!
Tanam: We can play out a little bit what you learned during the play from reading
the surface thoughts of the Mindlord while you romantically manipulated him.
You can tell that he's definitely into you, responding well to
all of the little touches, hand squeezes, and, whispered comments.
The headboard aspect of your outfit has not been lost on him.
Every time you touch his leg or something, he will look at you, and
his eyes will look at the headboard, and then in his own mind, thoughts
of his own bed are very clear.
Vafrus: Not even a Mindlord can resist the mind control of Urekas and a good hat.
Harmony: So he's thinking about his bed, is he imagining me in it?
Tanam: How explicit are his surface thoughts?
The experience of reading the Second was- Rozafeen's points aside-
it was not a normal situation.
It was not wildly out of step with everything you've ever read before,
but the Second is not totally normal.
Vafrus: Simple guy likes simple things like extorting people
for money and decorating.
Tanam: The experience of reading the Mindlord at this point- it feels
like there's an elusiveness to his thoughts, especially when they
involve that question of, "when he imagines his bed, am I in it?"
Vafrus: Oh!
He's a prude!
He's censoring himself.
Tanam: You do enough of this various manipulation throughout the show,
and you're watching him continuously.
You do end up with the impression that he does have some skill at
controlling his surface thoughts.
He is letting you see glimpses and maybe in some cases is not
super great at perfect control.
But there is some amount of shading things a bit.
Harmony: Okay, so there's some vulnerability.
Hmm.
Vafrus: He's teasing!
Harmony: Ahhhh.
Vafrus: "Oh, my bed! Who's in it? awww, I can't say that!"
Harmony: I feel like since we have a good rapport, can I just ask the Mindlord,
"As a Mindlord, have you ever had the experience of reading someone's thoughts
and all they do is just repeat task they're doing to themselves over and over
and again? What do you make of that?"
Vafrus: I'm going to cut in.
"Yeah, and then they also, like, refuse to be distracted from that task, no matter
what, even if fireballs start hitting them, they'll just be like, no, gotta,
you know, get my coffee, whatever."
Tanam: The Mindlord looks around, and says, "Well, normally I wouldn't talk
about these sorts of things in public, but I think we're-" He looks around and
people are mulling around the theater and the cast has come out front and up onto
the stage, and they're sitting up on the front of the stage, and some people in
the theater have gone up to talk to them.
Some people are talking to the MC guy, most people are talking
to the actor who portrayed Tana.
Nobody is talking to the actor that portrayed Olhana, and it's kind of sad.
The Mindlord looks around and his eyes unfocus for a second.
Vafrus: Does he get a glimpse of a chocolate volcano?
Just an innocent fantasy.
Who's in the volcano?
I won't say.
Tanam: So, after unfocusing, he looks back at you and he's like, "I don't
think anybody is paying us much mind."
Vafrus: He's such a bad Mindlord.
Tanam: "So, you say that this person that you were reading, kept on
repeating what he was going to do next?"
Harmony: Yeah
Tanam: "Hmmm. It was the Second, huh?"
Vafrus: "I know a guy like that."
Harmony: You are so smart.
Tanam: "I wouldn't say that. It's- uh, yeah, that guy is... is... Yeah."
Harmony: He's what?
Tanam: "Hmm, how to put this. I haven't read many like him-"
Vafrus: Georg was right!
It's a golem!
Tanam: "It's a perfectly normal thing to do, just not all the time. Every
time I've talked to him! Oftentimes, I can hold a pretty good conversation
while reading someone and I've found it difficult for me to do so with him,
because when he's talking to me, he's repeating 'Talk to Trumbans, talk to
Trumbans, talk to Trumbans,' in his head."
Vafrus: Yes!
Tanam: "And of all the things people think, that's extremely distracting."
Harmony: That would be distracting.
So he's always like that.
Tanam: "As far as I know. I mean, I don't deal with him a lot. I rent his place
when I'm in town, and it's always been sufficient for my purposes, I don't have
to deal with him too much in the process."
Harmony: Oh, that's great.
He would be really frustrating to deal with.
Do you think he might be being controlled by someone?
Tanam: Roll a Persuasion check.
Harmony: 8.
Don: You have plus ten.
Harmony: I have a plus 10 for Persuasion?
Wait a minute.
Sorry, I rolled a 3, but my Persuasion is plus 5.
Don: Thought you had a plus ten for persuasion.
Harmony: That's Performance.
Vafrus: One more use today of my Talisman, and I can give it to other people.
I'm gonna use it on this.
You can add a D4 to that.
Harmony: Two.
Tanam: Okay, so that's a total of 10?
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Oh, wow.
He rolled really bad.
Harmony: Thank you, Calumn.
Vafrus: That's what a good gift looks like, not a fucking bag of rocks.
Tanam: "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but-"
Vafrus: As I'm getting ready to heave the thing of chocolate, I stop.
I'm like, "Woah!"
Tanam: "Mindlords, our power is much more in the perception of thought than
the direction of thought. I know that we have a reputation of being able to 'mind
control' people, and that kind of thing. But, in Virindale that is a belief
strictly held by the common people."
Vafrus: This is the moment Calumn learned that he's a common person.
"What?!"
Tanam: How does Calumn feel about that?
Vafrus: He's obviously wrong.
Tanam: "It's possible that the Emperor might be able to I can't say for
sure, but I definitely doubt that the Emperor has any interest in the
Second, even if there are mind control abilities there. That's all say, no,
I don't think he's being controlled."
Harmony: Wow!
I just go, "You're probably right."
Tanam: So with all of your bed theming, are you still using your helm?
Harmony: Definitely.
Tanam: Okay.
There is a, somewhat awkward silence, and you decide to use that moment
to take a look at what he's thinking about, and are struck with some
images, of you, uh, not actually looking like you do when you're naked.
Harmony: Excuse me?
Tanam: He is clearly imagining it and doing so poorly.
Harmony: but do I look better?
Worse?
Tanam: just different.
Harmony: Different how?
Don: We want details!
Vafrus: He's trying to imagine you better, but problem is you're already
an 11, so there's nowhere go from there.
Tanam: Yeah, there's a random birthmark, that is cute, but totally doesn't
exist but is there for some reason.
Harmony: Where's the birthmark?
Tanam: Um, like, up and left of your, of your navel?
Vafrus: Ok, we should stop teasing Tanam.
This is very funny, but I can see him blushing.
Harmony: Okay, all right, I won't ask about the shape.
Rozafeen: Is she still wearing the headboard?
Vafrus: Oh!
Harmony: Is the birthmark headboard-shaped?
Tanam: So, yes, in the image that you're getting from him, you are still
wearing the headboard but nothing else.
Vafrus: Well.
Now you know what he's into.
Don: You did ask him at the beginning of the date if he liked the headboard,
and he was kinda noncommittal.
Turns out, it was actually a big turn on.
Harmony: Then I touch his hand and I go, "What about the
future excites you the most?"
Vafrus: He imagines one hour into the future about moment he's
really excited and hopeful about.
Don: Cut to a whole scene of, like, you know, sexy knight flute music.
Tanam: So, no, I don't have any knight flute rocks to play for you,
but even if I did, I don't think there's any sexy knight flute music.
Rozafeen: I beg to differ.
Don: See, I thought you were going to say oh, the night flute isn't
traditionally an instrument used as, like, a sexy thing, blah blah blah,
but I personally find the sound of dropping coffee beans... alluring, okay?
Vafrus: Soft pitter patter of coffee beans.
Okay, so he's leering at you, and you're trying get him imagine future.
What happens next?
Tanam: The image is still there, but all of a sudden, he's holding
these multiple thoughts at once.
He is stuck on the one thought, but you can see him cycling through
a bunch of stuff trying to find something appropriate to say.
Harmony: Oh, he's so cute when he's flustered!
Tanam: He eventually settles on, "You know, I would really like to uh,
try the chocolate fountain there. I've been, uh- You know, it's been
here the whole time, and, and-"
Vafrus: "Sure, have some!" as I like, ladle out a scoop and just
sort of hold it out towards him, as if he's supposed to take it in
his hands or drink it or something.
Of course my eyes are Ruffort's eyes and so they're jovial and twinkling and
just happy, but underneath Calumn is just like glaring as hard as he can.
Oh!
Hand is shaking a little bit as I'm holding out this
ladle of chocolate fountain.
Tanam: He is looking extremely confused and then leans over to,
like, drink out of the ladle.
Vafrus: Yes, I absolutely- I, I do not help him in the slightest.
I just hold it where it is and he can do what he wants with that.
I also don't, like, splash it on him, I've like, that's the most I can do right now.
Tanam: could you roll a Dexterity check?
Vafrus: Uh-huh.
Tanam: I guess, you know, actually Constitution.
Vafrus: Constitution?!
Tanam: To hold your arm out.
Vafrus: Alright, probably better than Strength for me.
no, they're the same modifier.
Okay, I gotta five.
Tanam: Okay not disastrously so, but, you're trying to hold it
steady, you really are, and it is slowly, like, dipping down.
Vafrus: I am dying from hot rock disease, so like, things are not
working so well in my body right now.
Tanam: And your arm is slowly dropping, as he's trying to drink from it.
Vafrus: As he's, like, trying to bow down for it, I can't
even hold it up all the way.
Alright, two hands.
I use two hands to try to hold it up.
Tanam: Okay, now do a Dexterity check.
Vafrus: Dexterity.
Alright, that's 11 on the dice, plus four, uh, 15.
Tanam: Okay, cool.
you reach your other hand in there and you steady it so that he doesn't
fall over trying to drink it.
Vafrus: But I got him ta bend all the way over?
This is great.
Everything is good now.
I feel much better.
It's not dipped in anything.
It's just like oil and chocolate direct.
Tanam: yeah, he, drinks a good drink from the ladle and stands back up and-
Vafrus: full of, his mouth is full of chocolate the next minute.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: If that's true, and while he's distracted, like trying to deal with the
fact that straight chocolate fountain is disgusting, I'm gonna present Urekas
with a much better- Like, I'm gonna dip some fruit or something and make
her up a little plate and give it her.
Harmony: Awww.
Vafrus: Assuming I have anything like that.
Like, I'm kind of making up here, but, that's what I would like to do.
Tanam: I think one of the followers has a plate of fruit-
Vafrus: Sure, yeah.
Tanam: -and is looking super confused that you didn't dip
the fruit in the first place.
Vafrus: Yeah, I will make an actual presentation for Urekas.
Harmony: Well, thank you.
I eat some and I don't want to make things weird, so maybe I hand feed some
of the fruit to the Mindlord and to Rufus.
Ruffort!
Vafrus: Wait, to me?
Harmony: Yeah to both of you
Vafrus: Ohhh nooo.
that's, I mean, I'll take it, but oh no.
Harmony: It's the least I can do.
Vafrus: Uhoooohhh
Tanam: So, the Mindlord has melted chocolate all over
his bottom half of his face.
Harmony: Oh, so maybe he just wants the fruit.
Rozafeen: Are you gonna like, clean him up like a baby?
Don: I was thinking more like you take a little, like a strawberry or,
you know, some, some fruit and, and just like, you know, wipe that off
on his face and then feed it to him.
Rozafeen: I think you should lick it.
Don: That, too.
Harmony: Oh, wow, so many options.
yeah, after I feed Ruffort, I just, I lick the Mindlord's face.
Vafrus: My world is blown.
Somehow it doesn't mess up my beautiful Ruffort face, even though
Calumn's face is now going to be covered in chocolate forever.
Tanam: are you trying to make it clear that you're cleaning off the chocolate?
Harmony: I mean, you know.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: You could call it "cleaning off the chocolate."
Rozafeen: My new favorite euphemism.
Vafrus: "Cleaning off the chocolate." Yesssssss.
Tanam: Okay, you slowly and suggestively lick around the Mindlord's mouth,
and, get him good and clean.
Harmony: While making incense eye contact.
Rozafeen: I'm imagining that angle.
Harmony: Yeah, it's a little bit awkward with the headbord, but-
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: The headboard.
The followers are trying to like-
Harmony: -of like a seesaw-
Vafrus: -to like coordinatedly, like as you're moving around, keep up with-
Tanam: -so that you don't thwack him in the head.
Harmony: Well, I have both of my followers, so they're
just doing squats, you know?
Tanam: Leaning back and, yeah, they're managing it.
Vafrus: This is wonderful.
Tanam: okay.
You get him good and clean, his, uh, purple scales are all nice and shiny.
Vafrus: Is there more?
Do you continue the gesture?
it seems like a pretty clear conclusion that you're going for here.
Harmony: How about I ask him, "What's the best part of dating you?"
Vafrus: Oooh.
She's right up against him.
There's the moment before.
Don: It, uh, "cleaning off the chocolate?"
Tanam: He's extremely unprepared for that question, as you probably guessed.
Let's see how he does.
Okay, he does fine.
You can see him stumbling a bit.
And, he says, "Comfort and travel."
Vafrus: Ooh, pretty good answer.
Better would have been "When I give you all my money and power and join your
cult," like nearly there, actually.
Harmony: I mean, "Join the club."
Vafrus: Join the club, sorry, sorry.
Harmony: Oh, I like comfort and travel.
Tanam: He says, "I'm here at the Hall for a few more days, but after
that I was planning on going back to Virindale, and who knows from
there. Have you been to the Fyoos?"
Harmony: No, but I've always wanted to.
Tanam: "They are delightful."
Harmony: They sound delightful, like they'd be really delightful with you.
With Fyoo.
Rozafeen: Uhhghh.
Vafrus: Awwwww!
Don: Wow.
Rozafeen: No, not "aww," "uhgh."
. Don: Yeah.
Vafrus: Alright, yeah, sorry, Ruffort gags a little bit.
"Awww."
Harmony: Oh, sorry!
Did you need some water, Ruffort?
Tanam: So, he says, "Well, would you like to get something additional to
eat and beyond just the chocolate? We could go back to my place and have
something brought, or, I've actually never dined in the hotel here. I've
heard they've got delicious food."
Harmony: Have you ever been to Beeb's?
Don: Ah.
Vafrus: We'll wake him up right now!
Tanam: "No. I can't say that I have."
Harmony: He makes the best- you can call it breakfast, but it's delicious anytime.
Tanam: "Okay! Where is this Beeb?"
Harmony: "Oh! I'll show you." This way.
And we walk.
Tanam: I had told myself, "They're not going to Beeb's this time."
Don: But you did prepare a whole segment with Beebs just in case, right?
Yeah.
Vafrus: Beeb's is closed, right?
Tanam: Oh, wait, did you guys, I can't remember if you guys-
Rozafeen: I thought you guys repaired it.
Don: Yeah, I totally fixed it.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, no, it's open for business, but Beebs
is a breakfast place, right?
This is the evening.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, yeah, so he's going to be there, but he will be there
because he's meeting the Second, later.
Vafrus: Okay.
Let's go to Beebs?
Do you want your whole entourage there, too, my lady?
Of course you do!
They follow you everywhere!
And I'm part of it, now.
Let's do this!
Rozafeen: I feel like this is really going to mess with Ruffort spying on
Beeb's meeting, assuming that he was willing to tear himself away and do it.
Harmony: I mean, if there are two people who can read minds at the
meeting, wouldn't that be useful?
Rozafeen: Well, if Biebs is making you dinner, then he's not
having his super secret meeting.
Harmony: Oh, that's true.
Don: I feel like Beebs can multitask.
Tanam: Okay, tell you what, you walk over to Beeb.
And at the moment, he is not there, the shop is closed up- and-
Vafrus: We light it on fire to attract his attention.
Harmony: Just to summon him.
Tanam: That's how summon Beeb, yeah.
Vafrus: Call into the sky, "Beeb! Come here this moment! Your shop is on fire!"
Don: Just kidding, we just wanted breakfast, it was all an illusion.
Vafrus: Just an illusion.
I don't really set it on fire much.
Harmony: Oh sorry, did you need some water, Ruffort?
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Boo!
Tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: I'm not 100 percent today, uh, but, uh, I'll still be here.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: This is a family show.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Simple guy likes simple things like extorting people
for money and decorating.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: And scene.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
The Boss: I'm still waiting for that coffee I requested an hour ago.
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: That's what a good gift looks like, not a fucking bag of rocks.