The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, the Intern.
Let's talk about mirrors a bit.
I fired up the ol' chronoscope after last episode, because there
is nothing about them in all the documentation we've got here in the lab.
And there are a lot of notes about other stuff.
Like, someone from the lab incarnated a bunch and tried the coffee from various
places, and, like, made a tier list.
The report has been anonymized by the researcher, and the writing
style doesn't seem like anyone I know in the lab, but, wow.
This person spent a month of work days traveling into the world to rate coffees.
What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah.
Mirrors.
In the world, normal mirrors are just mirrors, but flawless
mirrors have some weird properties.
The glazes are based on them, so long distance communication is one
thing, but with a mirror the right size and right quality, they can
make, like, portals out of them.
There have been, um, a couple of wars because of them.
I was less excited when I saw that.
But that's why they're so tightly regulated, especially in the Lonyu Empire.
They have monitoring magic set up so that they know if anyone is using a
flawless mirror inside their borders.
So, that's mirrors, I guess.
Let's portal our way out of this topic.
In the game, Urekas has just spotted the Second-- boo, hiss!-- Going to
meet with Beeb right after Ruffort has pretended to be the Second to talk to
Beeb, and she's trying to intercept him.
Is she successful?
Let's find out!
Vafrus: So has like, none of the hotel staff noticed that we have
a, like, a giant cat or something?
Rozafeen: Oh, they're best friends with her.
They bring her coffee grounds and bacon.
Tanam: Or else.
Rozafeen: You know how we haven't talked about Justice since our last meal?
AKA the last important thing we did?
That's where she's been.
Coffee grounds and bacon, baby.
Vafrus: Better be good bacon.
Tanam: Okay.
Last time, Ruffort had dressed up- or had, you know, illusioned
up like the Second, and-
Vafrus: -was trying to get Beebs to tell me anything useful, but at least managed
to establish that we'll meet again later for an emergency meeting or something.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Later tonight, probably after Urekas's date or during it.
Tanam: After, I think.
The date is, like, before sunset.
Vafrus: so guys, we got multiple hours to just do whatever we want, really.
Tanam: Well, except-
Vafrus: You guys want to start a catering service?
I feel really important for us right now.
Rozafeen: We could have lunch.
Don: Maybe we could rope Beebs in.
Vafrus: Let's get Beebs to run it without him knowing.
Alright.
Tanam: So, after Ruffort had walked away in the other direction, still
pretending to be the Second, Urekas was on watch duty on the other direction
and sees the Second -- the actual Second -- walking towards Beeb.
Harmony: Rigghht.
I remember this.
Rozafeen: Didn't you try to trip him?
Harmony: Oh!
No, but I will.
Vafrus: Alternative pitch, you could try to convince Beeb that this is Ruffort.
Harmony: yeah, I mean, Beeb knows I have his best interest at heart.
Vafrus: He likes you, right?
He believes everything you say?
Don: You know, it's times like this that I feel like our reputation
has come back to bite us.
Rozafeen: it's times like always
Harmony: Wait, are you saying we have a consequence we must face?
Don: Oh no, no, I wouldn't go that far.
Tanam: Okay, I believe we are at Urekas?
Harmony: Great!
Tanam: What are you going to do?
Harmony: I say, "Hi! I'm so happy to see you!"
Vafrus: You're saying this from atop your, like, dais, right?
With the-
Tanam: No, no, no, no, no, the- her feet are on the ground.
It's the hat that's being held up.
Vafrus: Ah, yes.
You've got the, hat-
Tanam: The headboard!
The headboard thing.
Vafrus: And the, and the parade and the fireworks the like.
Just to set the scene, remember, we're all-
Harmony: Yeah, sorry, I take it back.
We're so happy to see you.
Tanam: Let's see.
Will you roll an Insight?
Harmony: Oh, okay, thought I would have to roll for Deception, but yes.
Rozafeen: Don't give him ideas.
Vafrus: We're not happy to see you.
Harmony: Ummm, okay, I rolled a three, but I have a plus two!
Don: Feel like Deception would have been better.
You coulda just taken the 10.
Vafrus: Both of us dumped Wisdom.
We don't know how other people think about things.
We just try to decide how they think about things.
Don: I think Justice has the most Wisdom in our whole party.
Tanam: So you say those things.
The Second was not looking at you before- was looking straight at Beeb, and when
you say that, he looks over at you, and has this weird look on his face.
You can't quite tell the nature of it.
Harmony: Not even with my helm hat?
Tanam: Oh, would you like to use your helm?
Harmony: Yes.
Vafrus: Who needs empathy when you have magic?
Tanam: So, you scrape the surface thoughts and you catch
him right as he's transitioning from " I'm gonna go talk to Beeb.
I'm gonna go talk to Beeb." To "Wait, who is this person?
I know I know them from somewhere..."
Harmony: I'm so offended.
Vafrus: So, Eldritch Blast, here... no, no-
Don: The only reasonable thing to do, you know.
Harmony: Oh, can I just turn my head like I'm looking at something and knock
him, like slap him in the face with my hat and pretend it an accident?
Vafrus: Take a d4 of wardrobe damage.
Tanam: Remember you've got followers who're carrying it.
Harmony: Yeah, but if I'm really fast, right?
Vafrus: They have to swing around with her, you know, that's part of their job.
Tanam: Okay, ummm-
Vafrus: Also, can we examine just for a moment that he was thinking, "I'm
gonna go talk to Beeb, I'm gonna go talk to Beeb," like in order to do
anything he has to repeat it over and over in his mind or he'll forget.
Don: Yeah, that was the first thing I thought, too, was like, wow, this is,
uh- I mean sometimes I have to think like that to do anything, but damn, must
be, it's either a really bad day, or, you know, there's something up with him.
Vafrus: This guy has it rough, you know?
It's a tough life.
Tanam: Urekas, I need you to roll some sort of, like, social
communication roll with your followers.
We need a skill for you to roll against that is, like, you cueing
them that you're about to make them run in opposite directions as you
rotate the headboard all of a sudden.
Harmony: Performance?
That's a plus 10.
Tanam: yeah.
Okay, go ahead and roll Performance.
I think that's fine.
Harmony: 24.
Don: Way to Charisma the DM.
Tanam: I, you know, I, it was, it's, it's not, it's not meant to be super hard.
Okay, I did a Dexterity check on each of them and one of them rolled a six,
but I think a 24 is enough to, like, bump that up to "not fail." So one of
them stumbles a bit but as you turn your head to look to the side like, "Oh!
What's that?!" your headboard swings around and- he's tall, right?
I think he's tall...
Harmony: I'm tall.
Tanam: The question is, does it go over his head?
Harmony: Oh.
I'm short.
Vafrus: either the headboard hits him or he gets trampled
by the people carrying it.
Tanam: he's five and a half feet tall.
How tall are you?
Harmony: I'm pretty tall.
And I'm wearing heels.
Maybe I spot something on the ground, you know, at an angle?
Tanam: You could turn your head a bit so that it's pointed down and we'll let
that good Performance roll- Okay, "whoa, what's that?" And just like, thwack.
and, oh, wow.
Okay.
Uh, you knock him over.
Harmony: Yes.
Vafrus: what he gets for not noticing the parade.
Tanam: Your follower is keeping a perfectly neutral face.
"I am just carrying this.
I am just going to where I'm put." The Second is now on the ground
after having been bowled over by your headboard hat, "What, what in
the heck are you- just- uuuhhrrgg!"
Harmony: "It's okay. A lot of men trip over me. Let me help
you." And I extend a hand.
Don: Wow, what a power move, you don't even apologize.
Vafrus: Urekas does not apologize.
Tanam: Ha!
Ha!
Don: Clearly.
Harmony: Yeah, at this point I'm just trying to help and I'm hoping he
forgets that he wanted to talk to Beeb.
Vafrus: Surely you've interrupted that mental dialogue he had going on.
Tanam: Do you continue to scan thoughts?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Okay, it's mostly just, "Ow, ow, ah, who is this person who
just ran into me, what is going on?
Harmony: I kind of want to get him again.
Vafrus: You gotta train him out- every time he has a bad thought.
Whack him again, he'll stop doing that afterwards.
Harmony: Eventually, he'll stop thinking.
Tanam: Are you still trying to help him up?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: You extend your hand and- I'm not gonna make anybody
roll for this- help him up.
Vafrus: There's like a whisper of admiration goes through the followers
as they're like, "Oh, Urekas extended her hand to someone, woahhh-
" Tanam: so benevolent.
Harmony: Oh, and I say, "I'm so sorry, how rude of her, it's her
first day, let me help you up."
Tanam: okay, his thoughts are continuing to be just like, "Who
is this person? Why did I get hit?"
Harmony: Well, I say, "hey, you know, sit down, I will buy you a cup
of coffee and I'll be right back."
Tanam: Okay, so you're just having him sit back on the ground?
Harmony: At a table, facing away from Beeb.
Vafrus: You take him to Beeb's restaurant and he's sit here,
don't look at Beeb, though.
Harmony: heh
Don: I'm starting to wonder if the Second might be a golum.
Harmony: heh
Don: All of his thought processes are "gotta talk to Beeb, gotta talk to Beeb.
Ow.
Gotta talk to Beeb.
Gotta talk to Beeb." It's very suspicious.
Tanam: It's just just a very straightforward guy.
Vafrus: Simple guy.
Can I, can I be on my way back now as Ruffort, walking down the street?
Tanam: So you went around the Hall in the other direction.
I was been assuming this is, like, that Urekas's setup was over
here on the west side, and you were going back around the east.
Vafrus: Sure.
Yeah.
All right.
So, so that, like, it can be a "no."
Tanam: by this point, you have, you have walked away and you are on the other side.
So-
Vafrus: I will begin coming around to where my group is, because I don't want
to do the rest of the adventure by myself.
Tanam: I guess it's an interesting question: are Hellena and Georg here?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm trying to remember where the hell I am.
Don: Yeah, me too.
Tanam: I don't know that anyone else said that they went along.
I think you are back the hotel.
I mean, we can, we can retcon that and say that you're here.
Don: What were we doing back at the hotel?
I-
Tanam: I think that you guys were just chilling and, went
out to handle this stuff.
Vafrus: There's no way- no way you would trust the two of us
together without supervision.
Rozafeen: I remember saying something like, "Ruffort will do it funny."
Don: I do remember that... statement...
Rozafeen: So yeah, I think I probably didn't go, but retconning that might be
smart because if me and Justice are just chilling with room service, I mean, it
sounds tasty, but it's not very exciting.
Don: I don't mind Georg working on his coffee game.
He's got some work to do.
Tanam: and maybe you were a little bit loathe to go back to Beeb at this point?
Don: I kind of feel like I shouldn't show my face around him.
Tanam: least for a little while.
Don: For a long while.
Tanam: Should Hellena be back at the hotel chillin with Georg,
or do you Hellena to be here?
Rozafeen: Is it a crazy idea for me to be, I don't know, working on
something that might level me up?
Is that way too studious for this party?
Don: I mean, you can help work on Georg's coffee game too.
It's- it's- I don't mind.
Rozafeen: don't need to level up my coffee game.
That's good.
Don: Oh.
Damn.
I guess... it's just me then.
Vafrus: I mean, we have been adventuring for like nine or ten hours in game,
so it's about time we were all stronger.
Rozafeen: I think there have been two night times.
think at least 36 hours.
Tanam: No, this is still the day after you guys got back.
Rozafeen: There was the spider night, and then was the day, and then we went to
the sorcerer's place that we ransacked.
Tanam: Yes, on the way there, you guys leveled up.
Vafrus: Yeah, so by that precedent it's been like probably about that long again.
Don: At least that long.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, that's that's how that's how often
normal people level up, right?
Like.
Every few hours or so.
Rozafeen: So has it been at least a day since I slapped Ruffort?
Tanam: I don't remember the last time.
Vafrus: It's been a while, I feel.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Wait, wait.
You surely would have had some opportunities while we
were in the Second's house.
Tanam: Yeah, you probably did a few times, and you were probably
super confused, Ruffort, about why there were animals in there.
Like, "oh, that one must have come in a window or something."
Vafrus: Yeah, no, I wasn't that confused.
I understand that that house is in like multiple dimensions.
Tanam: Oh, that's right, that's true, yeah.
Vafrus: Of course, there's gonna be, like, weird creatures!
Yeah.
Rozafeen: I have to imagine I slapped you with some sort of lizard being.
Don: Wait.
Lizard being.
How did How did Urekas handle it?
Harmony: Quiet, you.
Rozafeen: Anyway, I'm at the hotel.
I'm leveling up my mani pedi game.
Vafrus: It sounds like Urekas, you're all on your own for a while longer.
Keep it up.
Harmony: Oh, no.
Don: Georg is furiously working on his next coffee concoction, don't you worry.
Vafrus: Don't worry I'll arrive and make things worse
Harmony: not what I asked for.
Rozafeen: Yeah, and don't mess with Justice's mani pedi or you might not live.
Tanam: Okay, so, are you taking him to the tables in front of Beeb's shop?
Don: it seems like a good question.
Are there other tables?
Tanam: Let me find my map of the- yeah, so I think there was other- I mean, there's
gotta be like benches and stuff, right?
Vafrus: This is like a commercial area too, right?
Like there's a bunch of shops and stuff going on?
Tanam: Yeah, there's shops and things.
Rozafeen: Gosh, if only she could read his mind long enough to figure
out what he was gonna say to Beeb.
Harmony: Ohhhhh yeah, that's a good idea.
Tanam: Yeah, there's like a snack place and there's wind chimes.
There could be some tables here, or you could just go ahead and take him
over to Beeb's to sit down then, uh-
Don: And then definitely not look at Beebs, or talk to Beebs-
Harmony: Yeah, I just want him facing away from Beeb, so I guess anywhere
that Beebs won't be- eh you know-
Vafrus: DM said there's a snack place.
Tanam: Do you want him facing away, or do you want him to start talking to him?
Harmony: Oh yeah, facing away.
I'm pretty nervous if they start talking because they might find out about Ruffort.
Tanam: Okay, so your goal is to get him to completely forget what he came here for.
Harmony: Yeah.
Rozafeen: But then we can't eavesdrop on what he came here for, oh no.
Harmony: But do you think, I mean, maybe we should do that?
I'm just worried won't Beeb be like, "Hey, I just saw you!"
Tanam: if you think that Urekas would be mostly concerned about
that, then, I think we just go with that, even though it strategically
makes more sense to not do that.
Harmony: okay.
Rozafeen: honest question, does Urekas think Ruffort got the job done?
Don: Oh, that's a good question!
Harmony: No.
Rozafeen: Who knows what went on in here?
Don: Also, I feel like Urekas would be so confident in her abilities to
just mess up a conversation at any point that she would just be like,
yeah, they can talk about anything.
I'll- I'll cover.
Vafrus: Yeah, true.
If anybody can make a couple of people just forget what they
were talking about, it's Urekas.
Harmony: You know what?
That's a good point.
Okay.
You know what I say?
"Hey I'll get you a coffee from my best friend Beebs. He's over there.
I'm visiting from out of town."
Tanam: So, this is a phenomenal lie that he knows to not be true.
You are, in fact, the one who's visiting from out of town.
So, you can go ahead and roll for Deception there.
But I really think that the thing that he's going to hear is that
you're visiting from out of town.
Harmony: That's what I said.
I'm visiting from out of town.
And Beebs is my best friend.
Tanam: I see.
OK.
Harmony: Okay, um, 25.
Don: 'course, 25.
Tanam: OK.
How do I resolve this?
Vafrus: Convince him that he's visiting from out of town.
Harmony: Pffft, ha ha
Don: Convince Beebs that Beebs is visiting from out of town.
Tanam: Okay, I think what we're going to do is that Deception
will be on the "best friend" part.
The claim that Beeb is your best friend, he believes entirely.
Vafrus: This casino is visiting from out of town.
Tanam: Ha, ha, ha, so he's like, "Coffee you say, I'll take a
coffee. Beeb has some good coffee."
Harmony: "Sure does," and I'm reading his mind.
Vafrus: It just says "coffee, coffee, coffee."
Tanam: It, it, yeah.
Like, "Mmm. Coffee." He has a memory going of drinking coffee.
Harmony: I'm just gonna readjust my hat, I feel like it might be broken.
Rozafeen: "Nobody's this dumb."
Vafrus: Guys, we found our mastermind.
Instead, Beeb's two favorite people in the world approach.
Tanam: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Vafrus: Heh.
Definitely doesn't have any sour feelings about these folks.
Don: I mean, to be fair, Urekas probably has the least sour feelings.
Harmony: Oh, I love both of these people.
Don: No, them to you.
Tanam: So, you approach together and he waves for Beeb.
Vafrus: In exactly the same spot where I was sitting, like, one minute ago?
Tanam: yeah yup
Vafrus: Good, yes, okay.
But now with Urekas, eight people holding up her hat.
Tanam: So yeah, that's a question.
Do you sit down and do they crouch or hold it lower in their hands or whatever?
Harmony: Oh, no, I'm feeling generous.
They can sit down in chairs as well if they want.
Tanam: Okay, sit down in chairs while they continue to hold it?
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: I see, okay.
There's some rearranging, the ones who are not carrying grab some chairs for the ones
who are and it all works out and you take your time sitting down, but you sit down.
Beeb comes over, looks at you, grumbles a bit, and looks at the Second and
says, "We're, we're, we're meeting later, right?" And the Second gets this
look of deep confusion on his face.
"How did you know that I was going to come ask you that?"
Harmony: I just start juggling the coffee cups.
And then I spill on Beebs and the Second and now they're, like, covered in coffee.
Don: Nice.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: That's a real Georg move; I approve.
Tanam: I guess a ranged attack?
Harmony: Do I have any, special skills or anything I can add or Proficiencies, etc?
Tanam: I don't think you have a proficiency in coffee cup.
Harmony: Okay, let's see.
Don: To be fair, I think Georg should have a Proficiency in coffee cup, and
I'm gonna add it to my character sheet.
Rozafeen: Juggling, maybe?
Vafrus: She did say juggling.
Harmony: Uh, what about performance?
Eh, eh?
Tanam: This is just an attack.
It's a ranged attack.
You are throwing a thing at a person.
Harmony: Eighteen.
Tanam: Fine, you hit them.
Don: Did anyone else feel like the DM wanted that to fail?
Cause I feel like-
Tanam: did, I just, I just, you know, you have to roll, like, I wasn't on
one side or the other, it was just-
Don: One side or the other, definitely not.
Vafrus: So, so,
Tanam: I actually
Vafrus: question how hot is Beeb's coffee?
Tanam: uh,
Vafrus: This is, this fresh coffee, right?
We just sat down.
Tanam: yeah,
Don: As there is, of course, a reference in every culture, this coffee should
be as hot as the interior of a volcano.
Tanam: Okay, let me see how hot, how hot is, yeah, yeah, it's pretty hot.
It's not scalding, but it's pretty hot.
And your two juggled cups both hit, and, they're now not quietly reacting to-
Harmony: Oh, okay, uh, questions, can I use Distort Value to make them think
their outfits are more valuable than they are, and can I use Distort Value
so they like me more than they like me?
Vafrus: I recognize that you are monetarily worth more money than I thought
a moment ago, and therefore I like you.
Tanam: you've got to have another spell that's
Don: enthralling performance.
Tanam: that's what it is.
Harmony: Okay, so, with the juggling.
Um, I could do, I mean, yes, I'm spilling, but maybe I do such a
good job that, like, there's, like, a big crowd of people rushing up
talking about how awesome that was.
Which hopefully distracts them?
Tanam: Your Charisma Modifier is?
Harmony: Four.
Tanam: So you can pick four people to be affected like this.
And they're charmed, and so they start idolizing you, for an hour-
in the same state as your followers.
Harmony: Oh.
I like that a lot.
Okay, maybe, Beebs and the Second could be so distracted by how cool I
am they forget about, you know, they're gonna meet later, whatever, because
they're just so busy talking about me.
Tanam: We'll see what happens, but okay,
Harmony: I choose those two for sure.
And then I get two- I get two more creatures.
Tanam: There could be other people there, and if you would like to
enthrall a couple other people,
Harmony: Oh yeah!
Tanam: Or you can just have it be the two of them if you
don't want to complicate things.
Harmony: I think, whoever's the hottest.
Don: You should really never ask if you'd like to do it with more people.
Harmony's gonna, gonna always pick, well yeah, how many?
Harmony: If you want to make it less complicated.
Tanam: Okay, so we've got four wisdom throws lined up.
What's your spell save?
Harmony: Fifteen.
Tanam: Okay, so, here we go.
Oh, okay, I'm gonna say the, Second is rolling with a minus one Wisdom.
Is that, or is it minus two?
Uh, what's Ruffort?
What is, what is your Wisdom?
Modifier?
Vafrus: is he comparable to me?
I've got a minus two to Wisdom.
Tanam: Okay, I think he can do minus two.
His intelligence modifier is even lower, but-
Vafrus: Oh, poor guy.
That interdimensional house really messed him up.
Tanam: What?!
This is deeply improbable.
Okay.
Huh.
Okay.
Don: Tell me they both saved, and it's hilarious.
Tanam: So if the target succeeds on its saving throw, it has no
hint that you tried to charm it.
This is good news for you.
Harmony: Uh-oh!
Tanam: so you do this performance of juggling these things for a minute.
do you still want to end with throwing coffee on them?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: okay,
Vafrus: it would break the spell if you attack them anyway, but if
you can see that it didn't work, you might just be like, "well...!"
Tanam: Okay, there's usually a glimmer that happens in people's eyes
when this works, and, it did not.
So Beeb and the Second are unaffected.
You throw coffee at them, perhaps in spite for not being sufficiently charmed by you.
Vafrus: It- It might be the hat, we might have to revise the headboard hat.
Tanam: One of the hot people that you noticed, also there's no change there,
Vafrus: Blasphemy.
Tanam: However, the other hot person does, so we'll have to resolve that in a bit.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: But you have just, as Vafrus pointed out you, have just attacked them.
Harmony: I mean...
Tanam: So the question is, does the hot person consider
the Second or Beeb an ally?
Um,
Harmony: Noooo, I would think not.
Tanam: Like I said, we'll have to resolve that in a bit when we
figure out who the other hot person is, but in the meantime, you have
thrown coffee on them successfully, doing 1d4 burning coffee damage.
Oh man, you hit the Second pretty hard.
So after knocking the Second to the ground and then doing a juggling performance with
the coffee, you have thrown coffee on him and caused three scalding coffee damage.
Beeb only had two damage, but, Beeb is considerably less beefy
and probably feels that more.
Vafrus: Can, Can, Beeb and Second both make concentration checks to see
if they remember anything about what they were talking about a minute ago?
Tanam: Okay.
That seems fair.
Harmony: And I'm reading their minds.
Tanam: The Second's mind or Beeb?
You have to pick one.
'm not gonna let you creep that much.
Harmony: The Second.
Tanam: Okay.
I'll, give you that he was wanting to talk to Beeb later tonight, and
he remembers that, so that is still there, along with "This person
knocked me over with her hat, and now she's throwing coffee on me,
what the heck is going on here?"
Harmony: Okay, um, I'll just say "I'm so sorry for my clumsiness. I'm not used
to being around people this attractive."
Tanam: Who do you look at when you say that?
Harmony: The Second.
Tanam: Okay, roll a Deception.
Vafrus: Yeah!
Rozafeen: Wait, the Second isn't hot?
Don: I know, right?
Roll Deception?!
I thought he was hot.
Harmony: No, I do think the Second is hot because remember I hit on him earlier?
Tanam: Ah, but, you are used to being around people that are hot.
Harmony: Okay, uh, 17.
Tanam: Whew, okay, he believes you.
Vafrus: Oh, Urekas is gonna have two dates tonight.
gonna have to figure out how to be at both of them at the same time,
perhaps with Ruffort doing shenanigans.
This is amazing.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: have my quick change.
I think I could do two dates at once and no one would notice.
Don: Yep.
Let's tempt this fate; let's do this thing!
Vafrus: Only upsides can I see from this plan.
Tanam: So, Beeb definitely knows who you are.
Let's see.
Yeah, Beeb, is resigned to, this is his life now while you're in the city.
Harmony: Acceptance is good.
Vafrus: Yeah, don't you know?
If you bring pancakes things won't catch on fire, probably.
Don: Unless Ruffort makes the pancakes, in which case, things
have already caught fire.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, that's because Beeb failed to bring pancakes
by not being there, you know.
Had there been ready and waiting pancakes, I wouldn't have set the place on-
Don: Alright, credit where credit's due.
Harmony: well maybe there's a graceful way I can just kind of exit this
like, "Hey, I'm gonna grab some napkins, excuse me," with my Stealth?
Tanam: Okay, so your goal now is to exit the conversation?
Harmony: I think that's for the best.
Tanam: Okay, I think they will both just accept your polite lie of going
to get napkins and walking in the opposite direction of the napkins.
Don: I think this is the first time Urekas has ever intentionally
exited a conversation.
Tanam: Are you going to stay within 30 feet of them so that you can continue
to read the Second's thoughts or are you getting the heck out of there?
Vafrus: Walk 30 feet away with your little crowd of followers
and stop and stand there?
Harmony: I do want to eavesdrop on them.
I was thinking I could maybe hide behind like a sign or something?
Tanam: Let's see, did I put, I've got my little map-
Vafrus: Oh, you know what you could do?
Is you could have the followers carry the headdress, down the street
or wherever, and you duck out of it and actually hide somewhere.
Harmony: Yes, I could wear the helm, and if they don't see me, like,
nobody needs to see the headdress.
I mean-
Vafrus: Yeah-
Harmony: I still wanna look beautiful.
Vafrus: Yeah, the big headboard, gigantic thing with a crowd of followers.
You can't see whether Urekas is in the middle of that crowd or not.
Harmony: Yeah, I go really loud, "Hey! Put that back on bed!" Let's go!
Then I sneakily hide.
Tanam: Okay, I need you to roll a Stealth.
Harmony: Okay, 17 plus 3.
20.
Tanam: you are on fire today.
Harmony: Uh huh.
Tanam: The followers are a little bit confused, you can tell, but you said a
thing and they're going to try to do it.
So they take your headboard hat back towards the hotel and you split off
from them in a sneaky way and blend in with the crowd, so that you can stay
within 30 feet of Beeb and the Second.
Vafrus: Plus, you can quick change your outfit, right?
Harmony: Yeah, I think I better do that.
Don: How do your followers still like you?
Harmony: Says the person with no followers.
Don: I know.
Tanam: asking how you get those followers to still like you.
Harmony: Oh, well, I would like to invite you to a talk I'm having next week.
Don: Oh no, no, I am so busy next week.
Um.
Harmony: It can be any day.
Don: You just give me a time when I'm not busy, and I'll let you know if
I'm busy or not each time you offer.
I'll let you know my schedule's very chaotic.
Tanam: So, you're hiding there in the crowd, very stealthily,
in your quick change outfit.
This is a good thought; adds to your already good Stealth roll.
They're whispering to each other.
, I'm assuming you're monitoring the Second.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: So you're going to get a stream of consciousness of
surface thoughts from the Second.
This is fun.
I don't have to improvise a conversation, just a stream of
consciousness thoughts from the Second.
Which is actually not too bad.
Okay.
He's watching the crowd of your followers pass around the corner
and leaving, and he's feeling relieved that that situation is over.
You can see him napkinning himself off, Beeb handed him some, and he's, drying
the coffee off of himself, and he is thinking, "dry, dry, dry, dry, dry."
Vafrus: his, is his outfit ruined?
Does he feel like he needs to go change?
Tanam: He's mostly just thinking about "dry, dry, dry, dry, dry, dry,"
Don: I go back to my thought of him being a golem.
Vafrus: that's why he's been able to hold onto the task for so long.
He just keeps on repeating it.
He's like, "Nothing can make me forget. Beeb, Beeb, Beeb, Beeb,
Beeb." At this point, can I come around the corner and see that Urekas
is leaving me and run after the crowd of followers with the headdress?
Tanam: so it was a minute that she was performing, but maybe you were
hiding around the corner and waiting for her to come back and then you
see them pass by and you're like, "ah!" And following after them.
Okay, cool.
You see a night scene in front of Beeb's the Second is remembering this and from
his point of view Beeb is talking and doesn't look super happy but, kind of
surreptitiously, hands some money over.
And then, you get the impression that the Second is feeling good about that
process and wanting it to happen more.
Harmony: Like, the process of getting money?
Tanam: The process of getting money from Beeb.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: And so now, the surface thoughts are like "I deserve this money." You
can see that Beeb is talking, and the Second is not paying attention to that.
His surface thoughts are about the little house.
He's imagining it with different decorations, different than
you remember there being when you were there, yesterday.
Harmony: Interesting.
Oh!
Can I also read lips?
That'd be really useful right now.
Tanam: I don't know, from 30 feet away, without super good skill in it,
and while you're also concentrating on reading, uh, the second's mind,
I think probably not, unfortunately.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: But, he's daydreaming about redecorating the little rental house,
and, Beeb has stopped talking, and now surface thoughts are- you see Beeb
from the Second's perspective, like he has suddenly, re-realized that he's
having a conversation with someone.
He's thinking about activities that someone might do in a day.
He is running through that in his thoughts of eating an afternoon snack,
and then yelling at somebody, making fun of the Captain, having dinner, yelling
at somebody else, and then you see his closet, and he's picking out some dark
clothes and then you see him, again- that scene of meeting Beeb in front of Beeb's
place at night and getting money again, and you can see Beeb kind of shaking his
head and looks resigned and the Second's thoughts are leaning triumphant now, and
he is now thinking about heading back to his place and he's like, "Head back
home. Head back home," in his head.
Harmony: Wow.
Tanam: He gets up and starts walking away.
Don: Again, I think this guy's a golem.
Harmony: A golem with good taste.
Tanam: I don't know, he has a rich inner life.
He can remember things that happened.
Don: No one thinks, "Go back home, go back home," on repeat and isn't a golem.
Vafrus: He can do a financial transaction with not a thought the
entire time of why or what it's for.
Don: Right?!
He gets hit with coffee?
Meh.
Nothing.
All of his thoughts are, "Talk to Beeb.
Talk to Beeb.
Go back home.
Go back home."
Harmony: Yeah, I'm so annoyed.
I just- I kind of want to spill more coffee on him out of spite.
Don: You know, I don't think that works with golems, but, you know, you can try.
Tanam: So, are you just gonna let him go?
Are you gonna try to follow him?
Harmony: Oh, should I follow him and read his mind more?
Vafrus: We already know what he's going to be thinking.
Harmony: Yeah, maybe I can read Beeb's mind.
Vafrus: Surely Beeb is fuming about this thing that just happened.
Tanam: Beeb is indeed quite upset.
He's gone to you know, wiping tables and serving customers stuff,
but he's definitely distracted.
Images of him stabbing the Second, kicking him over, and
standing on him triumphantly-
Vafrus: finally we have something useful.
Alright!
Don: I know, right?
This guy actually might hate the Second more than us.
That's impressive.
Tanam: You watch his thoughts , for a good couple of minutes, and he's going
around and has a perfectly nice pleasant smile on his face, but inside, you feel
like he maybe has thought about this stuff before, just going through a long list
of ways that he can smite the Second.
Harmony: Okay, I'm feeling proud of Beebs.
But I don't tell him that.
Tanam: I'm assuming you're watching the thoughts from the privacy of
your hiding space in the crowd.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah.
And also I'm kind of like going in circles a little bit if I
see him so he doesn't see me.
I'm very sneaky.
Vafrus: Meanwhile, I catch up to the parade of headdress and am horrified
to discover that Urekas is not here.
"What do you mean you lost her?!"
Tanam: One of the followers, recognizing you, is like, "Oh
yeah, she stayed back at the Hall.
She told us to take the headdress back to the bed, so we're doing that.
Vafrus: As is good and right.
Okay.
I go back to find Urekas.
Harmony: Yeah.
I'm getting out of here, too, very sneakily.
Tanam: Oh!
Okay.
Harmony: Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Or not!
Tanam: Nope, nope, nope, nope, no you said it.
You're getting out of there really
sneakily.
Vafrus: I, too, am sneaking as sneaky as I can.
Tanam: I want you both to roll- so Urekas, your stealth was 24, I would like
Ruffort to roll a Perception check, and if you are also being sneaky, I would
like you to also roll a Stealth check.
Vafrus: 'course I am.
Stealth is a 24.
Perception is 8.
Tanam: So, you do not see Urekas sneaking.
What is Urekas's Passive Perception?
Don: just gonna go out on a limb and say not 24.
Tanam: Yeah, that's probably true.
So you miss him entirely.
Vafrus: Also, I probably don't look like myself.
I'm gonna change disguises every few steps as I'm, like, weaving through the crowd.
Don: So does that actually make you more noticeable?
Because I feel like somebody that was changing their face every few
seconds would make me notice them.
Tanam: If you are looking for them, and if you're watching this person, and if
they weren't being stealthy, but he's being stealthy, and ducking behind things
and he like probably you know ducks behind a person and changes like as
he's ducking behind them, kind of thing.
Vafrus: I notice that everyone is paying attention to this cute woman near me
that kind of reminds me of Urekeas and so I'll use that as a distraction to like-
Tanam: Yep.
Vafrus: But doesn't have a headdress so obviously not, you know.
Harmony: Can't be.
Don: Headboard!
Head.
Board.
Vafrus: Sorry.
Headboard, headboard.
Tanam: Okay, so Urekas makes it out and, uh, Ruffort makes it in.
How long will Ruffort look around to try to find Urekas?
Vafrus: Not long.
Urekas should be obvious, like that's one thing I know about Urekas, is
that she's got parades and fireworks and stuff, so like, if I don't
immediately see her, she's not here.
Tanam: Okay, and then you just give up and go back to the hotel?
Vafrus: No, I scour the city.
I'm like, "Ah! We gotta find Urekas!" I get back to the hotel
in, like, a half an hour, I guess.
Tanam: I'm gonna roll to see if you get up into any trouble in the meantime.
No, you're good.
Vafrus: Okay
Harmony: Wow!
Tanam: Surprisingly, it was a really good roll, so you're-
Vafrus: I know, I feel like I need disadvantage on that roll.
continue, continue.
Rozafeen: Why isn't he rolling?
Vafrus: I don't find any squirrels.
Anyway.
Tanam: Okay, so Urekas gets back.
And your followers are already there.
You haven't given them keys to your room,
they are outside your room with the headboard standing there.
Harmony: Were they holding the headboard up the entire time so it's easy
for me to just walk and it goes on?
Like they weren't resting, right?
Tanam: I, I think they were resting, but when they see you,
they lift it up to, uh, head level.
Harmony: Okay.
Don: I think that, uh, that, you know, new, new rule, uh, proposition.
We should all have a Shenanigans stat, and, both Ruffort and
Urekas should have a minus three.
Tanam: This is the avoiding Shenanigans roll, that the-
Don: Yeah, yeah, or like, a general, like, are you up to
shenanigans, know, lower is better.
Do think you're up to shenanigans?
Lower is better.
Justice only has a minus one, and Hellena and I each have a plus one.
Tanam: so, Urekas arrives.
Are you guys in the same room?
Rozafeen: I assume so.
Tanam: okay,
Don: I'm like, how is- how does this one taste?
Rozafeen: it's delicious.
I really think that you've got the formulation just right.
Don: Do I?
Do I believe you?
Tanam: Hellena likes it.
Rozafeen: Exactly.
Don: Yeah, okay.
I believe you.
Grudgingly.
Rozafeen: mmm,
Vafrus: At some point, Urekas shows up.
At some point later, I come bursting in, "I'VE LOST UREKAS!"
Harmony: I love that phrasing, "I've lost Urekas."
Vafrus: "SHE COULD BE ANYWHERE!
" The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: I kind of want to get him again.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Oh, I mean, I always am naked while recording.
You aren't?
Ah-
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one
picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Shut the fuck up.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Who needs empathy when you have magic?!
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of
roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Keep your mic on.
This is important.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game
design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: Oh, Urekas extended her hand to someone, woahhh-
Tanam: so benevolent.
Harmony: Yeah, like they're taking a picture.
They're going to make a motivational poster.
Tanam: Can you say that again with like "painting a picture"
or something like that.
Harmony: Oh, yeah, they take a photo of me, reaching my hand-
Tanam: Not photo.
There's no photos.
Harmony: Oh, They take a glaze?
Don: They drop everything they're holding-
Harmony: No!
Don: Immediately beginning to sketch, furiously.
You fall to the ground.
Harmony: Oh.
Don: Alright, probably not that.
Tanam: This moment will be immortalized in a painting, later, when your
followers don't need to be carrying the headboard, they will make this
painting that forever, let everyone know how amazing and benevolent you
are, helping people off the ground.
Harmony: Nice, they're just saving it in their brain.
Okay.
Mental picture.
I mean, mental glaze.
Don: Mental Glaze actually kind of describes exactly the state
that the Second must be in.