The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, the Intern.
So, yeah, the Second seems so sus, right?
I know there isn't any evidence that he's involved, but come on.
Everything about him just bugs me.
Anyway, if you recall, last time they were looking at his desk
and Hellena found something.
Specifically, she had a really good investigation roll and then
Rozafeen's glaze disconnected.
Let's find out what she found!
Vafrus: Hey everyone!
Tanam: Hello.
Don: Good To see everybody.
Rozafeen: hi
Vafrus: it's been a minute since the last one, how's everyone doing?
Rozafeen: mnnnuuuuugghhnnmm
Tanam: Oh, what's wrong?
Vafrus: Oh no, Rozafeen!
Rozafeen: I don't feel well.
Vafrus: Oh, do you want to, do you want to take this one off?
We can, we can do it next time instead.
Rozafeen: Well, I hear that there's like some big thing that Hellena found, and
I am really curious about it, but also I kind of want to curl up into a ball.
Harmony: Hmm.
Yeah, I could see how it might boost your immune system to discover what you found.
Rozafeen: Olhana's touch completely goes away when you get excited
about mysteries being solved.
Tanam: Well, I know this is never great to hear at the time,
but, like, it is Olhana's touch.
Like, it's kind of a weird gift, but, you know.
Rozafeen: No.
Don: I'm sorry.
Gift?
Rozafeen: Nope, nope, nope, no.
Don: no, tell me more.
Please.
Harmony: Yeah, we're so curious.
Rozafeen: That is not what
this
is.
Don: Yep, sounds like a real gift.
Tanam: Sorry.
Just, know, it's from the gods.
you know, and it'll pass.
it's instructive to- anyhow.
Okay, I know you guys aren't- okay, moving on.
Don: Worst.
Rozafeen: Someone showed up in our world, and was like, ooh, hey there,
and by the way, now some you are gonna get sick sometimes forever.
Woo.
Harmony: Well, thanks, god.
Vafrus: But doesn't Rozafeen, doesn't make you more like grateful
of all the times you weren't sick, you know, isn't- I'm kidding.
Rozafeen: Like you can't have the good times without the bad time- I will
courier someone over there to slap you.
I would do it myself, but I am too weak.
Tanam: Okay,
Harmony: I'm on it.
Vafrus: Oh
Rozafeen: Thank you.
I love you.
Harmony: I love you too.
Feel better.
Tanam: We'll see if we can boost that energy and immune system a bit by
learning the solution to some mysteries.
Rozafeen: Yay.
Vafrus: Rozafeen - all the worst things happen to you.
Your glaze is always broken and now you've got this.
Don: Don't jinx it.
Tanam: Last time, you guys had gathered around the desk.
Does everyone remember what they got out?
Or I have some notes.
I could also refresh people's memories if it would help.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, notes.
That sounds good.
Don: Notes seems like a really good idea, considering it's been a- a while.
Tanam: Okay.
One of the things was, like, architectural drawings of the Second's
rental place, but they're very rudimentary and Georg got distracted by
the badness of the drawings, and this is to explain Georg's really bad roll.
Don: They're not even to scale.
Vafrus: like doodling on a napkin and then they gave that to the
construction workers they're like, "it must be exactly like this."
Don: that's about what it seems.
Tanam: We've always described it as slapdash and put together out of extremely
expensive materials, so, that actually does fit with how that came to be.
So in addition, you found some receipts for various things in the rental, but
also some additional receipts that were obviously not for the rental, more
curtains and stuff, and I believe that Urekas was excited about the introduction
of additional curtains that might-
Harmony: Yeah, I'll be borrowing those.
Tanam: Okay, so, to-do list: ransack the house.
Harmony: That's not what I said.
Don: No ransacking the house.
Come on, people.
We've been through this once.
Harmony: It's one drawer, one tiny drawer.
Don: No.
Vafrus: One tiny room full of curtains.
One tiny interdimensional bathroom.
Tanam: That's an interesting point, you do not know if there is also
an interdimensional bathroom here.
Don: Maybe it's the same bathroom.
Vafrus: Wouldn't that be an embarrassing secret?
You're sharing the bathroom.
someone in a different house.
Harmony: it's not so embarrassing to have roommates, we've all been there.
Vafrus: No, no, like the point is they're being all ostentatious and
wealthy and they have such a cool bathroom, but they only have the
one they have to pass it around.
Harmony: I mean, bathmates.
Vafrus: DM, can we make it so?
Tanam: No.
Vafrus: Just this little fantasy version of the world, you know.
Harmony: Just in our fanfiction.
Vafrus: yeah.
Don: I mean, we can do whatever we want in our fanfiction.
Tanam: I can't stop you.
Don: Exactly.
Tanam: Um, okay.
Vafrus: We found the bathroom again, is what you're saying.
Tanam: You found the receipts, and more interestingly, you found the
correspondence between, presumably the Second and the guy who did the mirror
install, and this was what seemed to be a mirror mason in Klaoil but, at this time,
mirror masons were illegal, and so, it was barely concealed that that's what was
going on, and then Georg got distracted by that, as soon as he heard about it.
Don: I mean yeah, cause, if there are mirror masons, and I don't
know about them... All I'm saying is I should know about him.
Tanam: Yep, yep.
And this is clearly the one who did the portal to the bathroom.
And then Hellena had gotten a 20 on investigation and was about to get
revealed what that was going to be, but Rozafeen had glaze problems.
. So, we'll just get right into what Hellena found.
Rozafeen: Yay.
Tanam: So, uh, with an investigation of 20, Hellena found, shoved inside a
false bottom in the drawer- you looked in the drawer to see if there was anything
else in there, and you pulled it open-
Vafrus: Really are secrets here!
Tanam: Yes!
And, there was a false bottom in the drawer, and beneath it
was a leather bound notebook.
Vafrus: Oh no, it's his diary he was gonna write in but never got around to.
It's just gonna be blank.
Tanam: No, the blank pages are all over the table already.
Vafrus: Yeah!
He loves blank pages.
That's my point.
He's-
Harmony: Well, the diary is so nice.
Like, what do you write that will justify writing this beautiful leather book?
You know, it's better to just leave it blank.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, Tanam, go ahead.
Tanam: So, I'm assuming that Hellena looks through it and
it looks like a payment ledger.
Vafrus: Oooo.
The real books.
Where the money really went.
Tanam: Most of it looks like room rentals, like just people renting
the room for various periods of time.
As a side note, wildly different rates.
Vafrus: first we look how well you're dressed, and then
we tell you how much costs.
Tanam: but one of the things that stands out, is that for nearly a year, like the
past year, every two weeks or so, there's been a payment from Anaguhteep Anaovanlee
Beebuhn, who, you all know as Beeb.
And, the memo column says, "services rendered."
Don: Do we know that that's Beeb's real name?
Vafrus: Do any of us know Beeb's name?
Don: I think we all just call him Beeb then steal his stuff steal
his stuff or demand breakfast.
Harmony: Uhuh I call him Beebs.
Vafrus: Is it, is ever like doodled in the ledger, like, "you know, the
breakfast guy?" As if the Second couldn't remember who that was and was
like "oh yeah, I gotta remind myself."
Harmony: It's just a picture of a pancake on fire.
Vafrus: Maybe the Sorceress in the tower knows.
We go ask her.
Don: Went really well last time.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure this will be fine.
All right.
We know what the next part of the quest is.
Tanam: Okay, as it is a fresh session, I'll allow you guys to roll fresh
Investigation rolls if you like.
Harmony: Oh!
Vafrus: Investigate harder!
Don: Heeeeey Georg finally looks up after being really distracted by
the mirror mason, uh, I got a 25.
Tanam: wow, okay.
Vafrus: I am really trying hard to figure out who this, this guy could be.
I've got a six.
Harmony: I'va 14.
Don: So what was the full name again?
Cause I do not remember what you just said.
Tanam: Uh, just, it, it's Beeb.
Don: Well, I know it's Beebs, but like, I don't know, I feel like
do some tomfoolery or something.
Rozafeen: I got a 17.
Tanam: okay, thank you.
Vafrus: Do we need to take a break?
Are you okay?
You sound like you're not
Tanam: don't, don't don't make her say that she's okay more.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: Okay.
For the 25 you got: when you're looking at the letters, and you hear some discussion
about the ledger, you notice there's a name, the author of the letters to
the Second is Antanit Jahakatam, and so he's the one who's the mirror mason
who installed the bathroom portal.
You notice in the ledger that he was also a guest at the rental
house for three days earlier this year, and he was at a reduced rate.
Vafrus: I mean, not that weird.
Guy who helped build the house gets to stay there cheaper.
I mean, that's-
Tanam: Yeah, this is a, thing that is noticed.
I will also say, cause you got a 25, which is really good.
Georg, you have a vague memory, and I don't think anyone here, like
any of the players, remembers this, there was a merchant that got caught
outside with you during the spider attack, and, you were talking to that
merchant, and he was the one who was, like, "whose animal is this?" about
Justice, when Ruffort made Justice talk.
I don't know if you remember this.
Way at the beginning, right after the spider attack.
Don: I definitely remember the part where he made Justice talk.
Harmony: Yeah, I remember that.
Tanam: So, the person who you were talking to was not Antanet, but did
have the same surname , Jahakatam, and was a merchant from Kloil.
So, you know, coincidence, maybe?
But, that is another thing that you notice.
Don: Ah, alright everybody, I'll relay that information to the rest
of the people, that was a merchant.
And, and I'm, I know that he's the mirror mason who installed the bathroom portal?
Tanam: From the letters.
Don: From the letters, good, okay, yeah.
Vafrus: So, the one who installed the bathroom portal, therefore can
make portals, is perhaps related to a different merchant guy who
was there during the attack, and is getting a discount rate, as is Beeb.
Tanam: No, no, Beeb is making payments to the Second.
Vafrus: Oh, Beeb is paying for services rendered.
Don: Bu-u-u-t what services?
Tanam: It just says "services rendered."
Rozafeen: Maybe they're sexy services.
Harmony: Oh, yeah...
Don: I mean, services rendered with no explanation, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, it's gotta be like, protection racket or
blackmail or something, like there's, if it was anything... Of
course, this is a secret ledger.
They could have just put what it is in the secret ledger.
What are they-?
Tanam: This is the Second we're talking-
Harmony: Maybe one of us can dress up like Beebs and go to the Second
and be like, "more services."
Don: I look over at Ruffort, and I was like, "I think we might be able to do a
little better than playing dress up, huh?"
Vafrus: Oh my goodness!
My skills are being actually requested!
This is the first time in the universe this has happened.
Okay, yes, yes, absolutely.
Don: I'm mostly making the request because, you know, if you use it
on yourself, you probably won't be able to use it on me to make weird
disguises that I'll have to then follow.
It'll be a lot less awkward this way.
Vafrus: I could even play both parts at the same time.
We could do it right now.
Don: But don't we need real Second, not like a guy playing the Second?
Vafrus: Don't worry.
I can make up all kinds of things for the Second to tell us.
It'll be fine.
Rozafeen: I'm super excited to watch your skit.
And yet-
Vafrus: Okay, okay, let's go trick the real Second.
Here's the thing though, we've actually gotten to know Beeb pretty well, and he
seems- I guess my character wouldn't know this to say this, so actually nevermind.
Someone else needs bring up that, uh, Beeb is probably fine, and it's probably
the Second being terrible to Beeb.
So going to the Second as Beeb, like, I don't think that'll get information.
Harmony: So, assuming someone else just said what you just said, if we
help Beebs out of this situation, do you think Beebs will forgive us?
Vafrus: I mean, it's probably at least worth breakfast.
Don: I'll do pretty much anything for breakfast.
Vafrus: We could just go ask Beeb, like, with less trickery and
just be like, "Hey, how come you keep on paying the Second money?"
Harmony: Will Beebs talk to us?
I mean, I have my Charisma, so maybe?
Don: if we leave Ruffort at home, Beeb might talk To us.
Also, I, I should probably stay out of it now too.
I don't know if Beeb likes me anymore.
Harmony: I could try.
Vafrus: Or we could do it the Ruffort way.
I mean, that's fine too.
Don: Or, we could go to Beeb and talk to Beeb as Beeb tell Beeb that-
Vafrus: All right.
So what I'm hearing from the group is we need to kidnap Beeb.
Don: "think that's our only plausible solution." I say, shaking my head,
Rozafeen: Is anyone else paying the Second for "services"?
Tanam: Yes, there are a few other names that you don't recognize,
all kind of on a similar schedule.
Rozafeen: Well, could we figure anything out about like, are these all
merchants located in the same area?
Or are these people all from the same family?
Some sort of pattern for why these people are paying the Second?
Tanam: That is a thing that you could investigate, not from
where you're standing, but, yes.
Rozafeen: Well, I think we should make note of all of the names and
any other identifiers that might be with there, like any addresses.
Vafrus: Grab one of the many pieces of blank paper and start making notes.
Jot down all the names.
Whatever else is important.
Don: I really feel like the architectural drawings could've been done on some of
this paper instead of a crappy napkin.
They're really bad, okay?
Rozafeen: I mean, do you want to take notes on the back of them?
Don: Yeah.
Rozafeen: All right then.
Vafrus: Alright.
Don: definitely take the archi- No, wait, no, no.
Georg will not be thief this time.
Harmony: Okay, well, I'm using my Sleight of Hand to take the
sheets, while using my Deception to say "I'm not taking the sheets."
Tanam: Which sheets?
Vafrus: That's amazing.
Harmony: They're curtains, right?
Were there curtains in the drawer?
Tanam: uh, no, no, the, the receipts for curtains in the drawer.
Harmony: Wait, I thought you said there were, wait, receipts?
I thought said curtains.
Tanam: There's curtains in the house.
Vafrus: The other house, not the house that we're in.
Tanam: Well, well, no, also in the house that you're in.
you, you guess.
Like, there are receipts for a lot of curtains, more curtains than
are in the rental house, you are presuming that they are in this house.
There are some curtains on the windows here.
They're fine.
Vafrus: seems like we've learned all we can from this desk.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I swear if I hear any more about curtains-
Vafrus: Let's take, like, a quick ten minute looting break, and then
we'll meet back at the front door.
Rozafeen: I think we should have lunch again.
Has it been at least 10 minutes since we had lunch?
Don: I agree on the lunch, also not on the looting.
Vafrus: The, the guilty parties know who they are.
Alright, how about this?
We'll, we'll poke around to see if there's anything else in the
house that looks like it might have secrets, and then go have lunch.
This is like the only room we've explored.
We'll poke our noses in every other room we can find, doing no damage,
taking no things, just seeing if there is obvious secrets to be
explored, and then we'll head out.
Rozafeen: That's a reasonable thing you said.
Don: Downright reasonable.
Vafrus: And then we'll set the place on fire.
Don: Wha- no!
Rozafeen: There we go!
Don: I knew you had it in you.
And by that I mean, "no!"
Vafrus: Gotta stay character.
Tanam: Just a little fire?
Vafrus: I've earned it.
Harmony: Yeah, think about all the things you didn't set on fire leading up to-
Vafrus: huh.
I've been so good.
Don: I'm having trouble finding any at this point.
Although I guess some of things others of us set on fire, so, I don't
want to point any fingers, Urekas.
Granted, it was technically acid.
Also technically my acid.
Harmony: I helped put out the fire, you're forgetting.
Vafrus: Okay.
Don: Oh, thank you!
Harmony: let's expore!
Vafrus: yeah, yeah we split up, we search, what do we find?
Tanam: The house is- you get a bit of whiplash, just like,
transitioning between different rooms.
The decorating styles are drastically different between rooms.
The office was really sparse, this huge room with this desk at the end,
and there's some sitting rooms and some dining rooms, and the primary
thing that you notice is that they look like they are from different places.
Vafrus: Can I tell if the room seems, if the building seems to
be roughly the same shape on the inside as it is on the outside?
Tanam: Yes, it does seem to be.
Don: I got a 1, like a nat 1 my Interior Decorating check,
so, I don't know if I noticed.
Vafrus: going to be like, maybe they're actually in different places, wasn't that?
Tanam: Yeah.
I, think with a one you like scrape the wall accidentally, like you're
looking at some fancy wallpaper and you get up real close and then
your armor scrapes a gash in it.
Don: I, oh, oh, whoops!
um, damn.
And I, I cast Mending.
And you see, like, little animated coffee beans run up the wall and, chew some of
the other wallpaper and, like, spit it back out and make it look sort of normal,
but not really very good, probably.
Tanam: does anybody else want to risk a roll?
Harmony: Yeah, sorry, wait, what did you roll?
Don: Interior decorat- I mean, Perception, technically.
Harmony: Okay, I'll roll for Perception.
Fourteen.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: So I was going to ask if I could do Investigation, but it's
funnier if it's Perception now.
I roll a natural one.
Perception is negative two,
Tanam: Oh,
Vafrus: got a negative one.
Don: At least my one gave me a four.
Tanam: Wow.
Don: Oh no, we are gonna light the place on fire.
Rozafeen: So, with my 18, can I, like, put a hand over his
mouth and just make him stop?
Tanam: Yeah, if you would like to spend your 18 on perceiving that
Ruffort's about to fuck shit up again.
Don: I've never seen Perception used as a reaction before.
Rozafeen: Okay, and then, then we'll say, uh, oh, actually, I
rolled better the second time.
So, while I'm holding him and going, "shhh," and I actually
look around, that one's a 19.
Tanam: For a 19, because you had on the mind the portal, you were primed
to see portals everywhere, as it were.
And so, your first impression as you're walking around is "Oh, there's gotta
be portals here. Like, this is the only explanation for how nonsense this is."
Vafrus: And I cannot be convinced otherwise now.
Tanam: So generally, this is what people are thinking.
But with the 19 that Hellena got she notices that the walls fit together and
there's no places where there would be a portal seam or anything like that.
There's no shenanigans going on in terms of the physical layout of this house.
Don: How bad does your wallpaper have to be to make somebody think that
each room is an individual dimension?
Tanam: Like I said, you guys are primed to think that and they're not all bad.
That's the thing, is that there are some rooms which are really, really nice.
And there's some rooms that are just like, like a lizard threw up in here,
and that became the design motif.
Don: I'm sure Urekas will like that room.
Harmony: Quiet you.
Vafrus: "Who decorated you? Who-"
Harmony: I was nervous.
Tanam: Also, I'll say for, for that, for that 19, there's a room that seems
sort of like a trophy room, which is not really a Lonyu thing, but there's prizes
and medals and certificates and things-
Vafrus: Who here believes the Second has ever won anything in his life?
Harmony: I don't.
Tanam: And for a 19, none of the certificates have
the Second's name on them?
Rozafeen: Ha
Tanam: They're just like a collection of other people's prizes.
Vafrus: Alright, well I start warning everyone, "We should probably get out of
here, because every time you go through a portal, there's like a chance that
it changes you a little bit, and this house is like clearly full of them.
No wonder the poor Second's so messed up.
He's clearly being warped by this terrible house.
We should escape while we still can."
Harmony: Oh, that's why Beebs hesitated giving us breakfast,
like he went through the portals and it kind of messed with him.
Vafrus: all makes sense.
Yep.
All-
Don: yeah, no, I don't see anything wrong with that logic.
Vafrus: Oh, can I take one of the medals though?
I'm asking the group.
Rozafeen: I mean, it's not his.
Vafrus: I take a pretty one, whatever, whatever looks it's most likely actually
made out of some kind of precious metal.
That's what I'm going to try for.
Just one.
Don: I kinda glare, but then I don't really protest that much.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: go, wow, you look so handsome wearing that.
Vafrus: an award in a sport that I don't play, or uh, maybe some
kind of, like, academic award.
Tanam: So I'm rolling.
So the award is for best pancake.
Vafrus: Yep, that sounds like me.
Alright, I put it around neck and off we go.
Don: Is name on it Beeb's?
I feel like Beebs could probably win Best Pancake.
Vafrus: Yeah.
We'll give him his rightful award once we see him again.
Harmony: This conversation is going to go so well.
Vafrus: but I'll, I'll hold on to it, you know, until then.
So, uh, we leave.
Let's go get some lunch everyone.
Harmony: Yeah, hungry.
Tanam: You did, like, just come from the-
Vafrus: Oh yeah, we had our little buffet.
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: Yeah, but that was like 15, no, maybe even 20 minutes ago.
Vafrus: Exactly, yeah.
Rozafeen: Snack time!
Vafrus: It's very important to be constantly stuffing your face.
Harmony: Wait, did anyone take the notebook?
Vafrus: No, but I made notes on other papers and stole those.
Tanam: Oh, yeah, I guess we should ask, despite the mended scrape in
the wall, did you guys put everything back the way you found it, or did
you just kind of leave it there?
Don: Georg would have been pretty careful about that after the Sorceress's house.
He's feeling pretty bad about the general ransacking and
disregard for others property.
Tanam: Can I get a straight up intelligence roll?
Don: Oh yeah you can definitely get an intelligence roll.
Harmony: 18
Rozafeen: Dirty 20
Don: 23
Tanam: Wow.
Vafrus: Calumn, coming in the rear at a 15.
We can be smart when we want to.
Don: sometimes.
Tanam: Georg was very fastidious about putting things back.
Vafrus: Like the Second's gonna notice anyway.
Tanam: I mean, this is-
Rozafeen: Yeah, he should roll an Intelligence roll.
Vafrus: He's going to be like, wait, who left my room so clean?
Suspicious.
Don: Possible, but, but Georg tries to put it back, like, exactly as it was.
Tanam: Yeah, that roll was for how good you did at putting
it back the way it was, so.
Don: It's gonna be, like, a contested thing versus his Perception or
something, so hopefully good enough.
Tanam: So this is very important.
Does Urekas get back on the bed?
Harmony: Definitely.
Vafrus: Didn't the bed cannibalized?
Didn't she turn it into an outfit?
Tanam: No, just the headboard is in process getting turned into a headgear?
like, to hide the helm.
Harmony: Yeah, and it's like a nice hat.
Tanam: it's being turned into that by some follower-
Vafrus: headboards are pretty heavy, is it like mounted on your shoulders, too?
Harmony: I have incredible balance and neck strength.
Tanam: I think we could say it's an intricate headboard,
and it's like not super heavy.
Harmony: Yeah, it's not heavy.
Vafrus: I fully believe that about Urekas, though, that she could just hold up a
whole bed on her head, like why not?
Harmony: it's very wide and it's pretty tall, but not too heavy.
Tanam: I'm assuming this is a section of the headboard, not the entire headboard.
Harmony: I was thinking the entire headboard.
Tanam: so, I'll tell you what, if you would like to make a Constitution
check, to make sure that you're fine, when you put it on, so you
can decide how much of it you want.
Harmony: I want as much as possible.
I rolled a nine.
Tanam: You had initially instructed them to have the whole headboard on
the thing and so they have like just disconnected it from the bed and put
some mounting stuff onto it and they gingerly place it onto you and you
immediately fall over and it falls on top of you and you take a damage.
One hit point.
Harmony: Oh no!
Vafrus: Obviously, this headboard requires people to come along
with it to hold it up, which just makes it all the more fancy.
Harmony: Yeah, Yeah, my followers.
Vafrus: So now we need outfits for the headdress followers,
Harmony: the house has so many curtains.
Vafrus: And so many different palettes and colors to choose from.
Tanam: So have you not closed and locked the door yet?
Vafrus: I don't know that we know how to lock the door, but
yeah, we're outside on the porch.
Harmony: Actually, I mean, I want to dress pretty sexy.
You can just take some of my outfit.
Vafrus: oooo!
Tanam: You're going to split a fraction of your outfit between two of your
followers who are carrying the headboard?
Harmony: Yeah, and we look hot.
Vafrus: Oh, we should hire a band to go with this as well.
why not?
Tanam: I believe there were trumpets last time.
Vafrus: I don't know that any of us know how to like play trumpets well though.
Like I feel like we to-
Don: feel like only Urekas would actually know how.
Vafrus: She probably can just fine.
she the one that did the magic for the trumpets?
Harmony: Probably.
Tanam: No, there was no trumpet magic.
There were threats of fireworks.
Don: Threats of fireworks.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Alright, so we go and have lunch and make plans for Urekas's grand entrance to her
date, which includes servants carrying the headdress, fireworks, and trumpets.
Tanam: So speaking of, as you get back, you realize that you need to pick
which of the shows you want to go to.
There are two posters, in the entryway, announcing which shows
are currently playing in the two theaters that the hotel has.
Harmony: Okay.
What do they say?
Tanam: One of them is trying really, really, really hard to look
interesting; "Empress Danovi's Triumph" is the name of the play.
You can tell from the notes, it's a history of the
founding of the Lonyu Empire.
Harmony: Hmm.
It's educational.
Vafrus: Harmony, you gotta pick that one so that Tanam has to put on the play.
Tanam: The other one doesn't have to try to look interesting.
It is the long favorite, Tana and Olhana.
Harmony: Ohh.
Yeah, I want that one.
Tanam: You were saying that you wanted the more romantic one.
Harmony: Yeah, Lonyu Empire, not so romantic.
Tanam: Unless you're super into business and trade.
Rozafeen: I really like business and economics.
Harmony: I mean, I like money, but I think the one.
I'm sorry, Ruffort.
Vafrus: I mean, you know, it's, it's a sensible choice.
Harmony: Well, maybe you can go on a date, you can get Tanam to make
a play about the Lonyu Empire.
Vafrus: I just had wonderful date idea.
Don: Oh my, that sounds so romantic.
Tanam: don't think that any of you want to listen to that.
Even, even Rozafeen.
Rozafeen: I like accurate business and economic plays.
Vafrus: Ooooooh, reputation's on the line now, Tanam, you gotta...
Tanam: I cannot purport to be good at business and economics.
But my history is spot on, thank you very much.
Don: History's spot on as long as it doesn't have to do with like, you
know, musical artifacts or anything.
I'm sorry.
I I I'm a jerk.
Rozafeen: Are you sorry?
Don: mildly.
Tanam: ha ha
Rozafeen: that sounds about right.
Don: Just the disappointment on his face.
Tanam: Yeah, maybe if you feel bad a bit.
ha
Vafrus: so we have second lunch while Urekas strips off two thirds of her
clothing and uses it to dress her followers in I guess whatever you
can make out of a third of a dress.
Harmony: Oh.
We're creative.
Vafrus: So they're each wearing a third of a dress.
Tanam: For the very specific circumstances this is, I want to make note that this
is not generally applicable, but because they are in this case acting as part
of Urekas's outfit, I will say that your quick change ability does apply.
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: In- in the blink of an eye.
Don: I'm sorry, your followers now count as part of your outfit?
Tanam: Like I said, this this very specific case.
Vafrus: Oh!
Incorporate the birds too, please.
Don: Yes!
Definitely!
Vafrus: Let the birds be in the headdress.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah.
We need some birds for sure.
Vafrus: Alright, I'll volunteer to go and try to find an appropriate
band to accompany the outfit.
Harmony: Thank you.
Vafrus: Hours later, we all convened.
Don: I mean, I was gonna ask if, uh, if it was an appropriate
occasion for, like, some sort of announcer to announce her presence?
Vafrus: Oh, yes, yes.
Have any other animals joined the outfit?
Is there like a deer now?
Or-
Tanam: No, okay.
Attracting random animals is not part of the deal.
That was specifically the birds because of the excellent Performance
roll, during the discussion with the birds that were watching you.
Vafrus: We should probably like discuss the things that we learned.
Maybe find that merchant that might know something.
Talk to Beeb.
Anything else?
Nah.
We're gonna build the outfit.
Harmony: We can talk to the merchant first.
Vafrus: Fireworks.
Gotta have the fireworks.
Tanam: To be fair, you guys just did the first actual Investigation,
that you're being paid to do
. Vafrus: Yeah, we've earned a break.
Tanam: You've earned it now.
You can slack off for a bit.
Don: whoa, We weren't paid for Investigating the Sorceress's house?
Vafrus: That's why we had to pay ourselves.
Don: I don't generally approve of robbery, but, yeah, I feel kinda robbed.
We can't even least expense it?
Harmony: We shoud be able to expense it.
That's a lot of work.
Don: Yeah!
Vafrus: Okay.
But what's important is how can we incorporate more fire into the outfits?
Harmony: Maybe you can have some sparklers coming out of the headboard?
I can dance with fires.
You know, like the balls are on fire?
while juggling?
Don: Considering half of Georg's armor is probably full of oil, Georg's gonna
take several very large steps back.
Vafrus: Ohh, this is amazing.
Okay.
Someone else should probably take over for a while.
Ruffort's pretty stuck on the outfit thing.
Harmony: I like your ideas.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: They're amazing.
Tanam: We can fast forward to later that day?
Or are you guys gonna try to, shove any other Investigation in before?
Don: Well, I wanna talk to Beeb, but not, like, I don't wanna talk to Beeb.
I feel as though we should talk to Beeb.
Harmony: Who's we?
All of us?
Don: No.
Vafrus: Someone with higher Charisma who isn't Ruffort.
Don: Or, who is Ruffort but isn't Ruffort, in like a roundabout kinda way.
Vafrus: All right.
Yeah.
Let's, let's talk to Beeb.
Let's make a plan.
the suggestion I think I heard is I should turn into the Second,
go talk to Beeb and try to get Beeb to explain the relationship
that Beeb has with the Second.
Don: Yeah
Harmony: Yeah
Vafrus: Okay!
I'll do that.
Don: Alternatively you could turn into Beeb, go to the Second, and try to get the
Second to explain, but that seems harder.
Vafrus: Yeah, I mean both seem hard, but yeah, yeah, we could, well, hmm,
the Second seems kind of dumber though.
And Beeb's really suspicious right now.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm asking this as a player, not as Hellena.
Is there anyone other than Ruffort that we might want to send?
Don: Well see, I think Ruffort's kind of our best option if
he doesn't go as Ruffort.
Like, if he goes as Ruffort, we're all screwed.
Rozafeen: I'm just concerned about some of the inferences that might happen
based on things that the Second says.
Don: Hmm.
I look over at Urekas-
Harmony: I mean, I am busy, but I could, but I mean, Ruffort
would do such a good job.
Vafrus: Oh, Ruffort melts.
Now for the first time in his life he's actually determined
to do a good job at something.
"Can't let Urekas down!"
Rozafeen: Okay, again, as a player, I think that he will
do a funny job, so I'm in.
Vafrus: So am I going to the Second as Beeb, in which case you know we're
going to get Beeb in more trouble.
Or, going to Beeb as the Second.
In which case, poor Beeb.
Harmony: That's a great question.
Vafrus: Basically, Beeb gets picked on no matter which one we do.
Don: I feel like going to Beeb as the Second is the safer
option for both you and Beeb.
Vafrus: Alright, gonna do that.
Don: We can always kidnap Beeb later, and I did not say that.
Vafrus: For Beeb's protection, and for pancakes.
Don: That is, uh, Those are two very good reasons.
Yeah.
Vafrus: Alright,
Tanam: Okay,
Vafrus: So I will turn into the Second.
Well, no, first I'm gonna figure out where the Second is.
Don't want to run into him.
Tanam: Um, so having just been to his house, which is the primary
place where you found him before, I guess the second place you found him.
The first place you found him was cowering in the Hall during the spider attack.
Vafrus: We just gotta convince him there's a spider attack,
and then he'll be out the way.
Alright.
I'll look around.
I'll see if there's any clear, you know-
Tanam: I guess go ahead and roll a Perception.
Vafrus: I got a three this time.
High roller.
Tanam: It's totally fine.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Harmony: Would you like some Bardic Inspiration?
Vafrus: Oh yes, please!
Yes.
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: How long does bardic inspiration last?
Harmony: Ten minutes.
Vafrus: All right, we're on the clock.
Tanam: If you go quickly, it is a few minute walk.
Vafrus: Oh, bring Urekas so she can, like, Inspiration me
outside the alley or whatever.
Harmony: Yeah, can see me smiling, batting my eyelashes, you feel really
good, and looking out for the Second.
Tanam: Are you bringing the entourage and bed?
Harmony: Naturally.
But we're being really sneaky.
Vafrus: We use the stealth fireworks this time.
So Beeb watches the people he hates the most in the world walk down
the street in this brash parade.
The one in particular he knows can turn into other people ducks into an alley.
Don: I know this isn't supposed to have Double Disadvantage, but it really seems
like we should have Double Disadvantage.
Tanam: Okay, so first off I'm gonna need a Stealth roll with Disadvantage
from both Urekas and Ruffort?
Harmony: Nine.
Wait, with Disadvantage.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Well, I rolled a 5 and a 2.
That puts me also at a 9.
Oh, but, but, I do have, I'll use my Pact of the Talisman to add a d4 to
that, that 9 feels like a failure.
that's, all the way up to a 12.
Harmony: Damn.
Nine.
Sorry.
Don: You were, what, hoping for lower, is that...?
Harmony: Oh man.
Tanam: Give me a Performance, Urekas.
Harmony: Uh, 15.
Don: Wait, that's with all of your modifiers?
Harmony: Well, yeah, I rolled a 5, and my Performance is plus 10.
Don: Okay.
Tanam: You are ostentatious enough and Performing well enough that
Ruffort fades into the background.
Vafrus: Yeah, I can change a few times.
Tanam: like changed away from his, uh, Ruffort outfit?
Vafrus: Also, you mentioned there's an alley.
I could just like go around and come from a different
direction as a different person.
Tanam: You could go around the corner of the Gambling Hall.
Vafrus: I'll spend five of my precious ten minutes trying to
come from a different direction.
Tanam: Okay.
Urekas is distracting enough, and you come from a different direction,
and, with all those things combined, it's enough to not have Beeb
immediately think that something's up.
Vafrus: Not clock me, okay.
I'll start a conversation with Beeb about Urekas as the Second,
basically I'll make a snide comment, like, "Overdressed much?"
Tanam: Yeah, you sit down at one of Beeb's tables, and Beeb is
walking out and looks at Urekas and is just like, "Oh. Oh jeeze."
Vafrus: yeah, I will, I will match that energy a hundred percent and just be like,
"Ah, so annoyed! Those terrible people still in our town. When will they leave?"
Tanam: Beeb looks down at you and pales.
"Oh, oh, Ovadan! I did not Um. Did not expect you today,
uh, just here for lunch?"
Vafrus: I will be super vague about it and be like, "Well, yes,
lunch and. Perhaps other things." See if I can get him to talk.
Tanam: How 'bout you roll a Persuasion?
Vafrus: little better that's a 17.
Tanam: okay.
So you are, trying to coax something interesting out of him?
Vafrus: Yeah, I don't know what questions to ask, so I'm just gonna
try to make him keep talking until he spills something that I can hook on to.
Tanam: "Um, I, I, I, think that I've, um, I mean, we had that interruption
the other night, but we, uh, we got that all fixed up. Right? That was, uh, I'm,
I'm all current for this, these weeks?"
Vafrus: Uh, yeah, about that.
Seems like we might have a little bit of a problem.
How are things going on your end?
Tanam: "Pro- problem? Uh, I mean, things are, going as they've always
gone, um, what sort of problem do you, did you, did you find?"
Vafrus: It's not really your job to worry about that, is it?
Tanam: "Ugh. No, like, there were the problems with the, you know,
with them." and he tilts his head over at Urekas who's, I'm
presuming, still playing the crowd?
Harmony: Well, you know.
Vafrus: Found three more people to be part of the outfit.
Tanam: "I almost lost my shop about it, but, um, but it's all fine. And
so I can, you know, it's business is, is good here. Uh, I don't think the,
don't think the spider attack caused too much problems, so people are still
wanting the best breakfast in town."
Vafrus: Okay, he almost started talking about what I want.
But then he moved on to breakfast.
Harmony: Yeah, I wish I could give you my Deception.
Don: To be fair, breakfast is what I want, so keep going.
Harmony: Yeah, you're doing great.
Vafrus: I guess I'll lean into, he mentioned possibly losing the shop.
"Be really terrible if you lost the shop. We can't have that, can we?"
Tanam: "um,"
Vafrus: After all, I really rely on you, Beeb.
Tanam: "um,"
Vafrus: You want to go talk somewhere a little more private?
Tanam: "Well, I've got all these customers out here...."
Vafrus: They'll wait.
Tanam: "I think our normal, our normal meeting time is, is, is much
more conducive, normally. I think it was just that one time. I don't
think they're going to be coming around again like that, but..."
Vafrus: Do I connect the dots that, that one time we interrupted a meeting between
the Second and Beeb, and that's the normal meeting time he's talking about?
Tanam: yeah,
Vafrus: Alright, then I'll be like, "We'll see you at the
normal meeting time then."
Tanam: "Of course, always... always be there, sir. Um, I really do need..."
and, he, wanders off real quick, to go, like, refill somebody's drink.
Vafrus: It's fine.
So now we know there's a regular meeting, which means either, we can
eavesdrop, or, Second doesn't show up for regular meeting, in which
case we can just do this again.
Harmony: Are we gonna put the Second in a dungeon?
Vafrus: I mean, that's ultimately the plan right?
Like, we're pretty sure he's the bad guy here somehow.
And I stand up and leave.
Give kind of a super annoyed expression towards Urekas.
And then wink at her and be on my way.
Harmony: I think, "Wow, he's so manly, and decisive, and
unavailable, but interested."
Tanam: Let me know when you're about to leave.
Harmony: Oh, about to leave from my spying space?
Tanam: Yes.
Harmony: I hang out for a couple of minutes because, I don't know he's there.
I'm just coincidentally here.
Tanam: As you head back out, you walk by the Second, walking towards Beeb.
Harmony: Oh sh- oh wow, okay.
I play it cool.
I look at the Second and go, "sup."
Rozafeen: You're not gonna trip him or set on fire?
Tanam: Can I get a roll for, um...
Harmony: Oh, can I also trip him?
Can I take, a branch and just kick it under him, so he falls?
Vafrus: "Ah, sorry, it's part of my headdress."
Harmony: I can't believe it fell on you.
Don: Get em with the whole headboard.
Harmony: Oh, that'd be great!
What if one of my followers, just, you know, chucks the
part of the headboard at him?
Vafrus: Getting, getting trampeded by 40 buffalo just sometimes happens
you wear an outfit like this.
Harmony: Yeah, life is weird, right?
Tanam: That's where we'll end it.
Don: Excellent.
Rozafeen: So we're going to come back and we're going to resolve whether he tripped?
Don: Will the Second roll a good sleight of foot roll?
Harmony: Oh, wow.
I'm glad I have some time to think about this.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Especially since gaslighting isn't allowed in this
universe, tell us how it's a gift!
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: we can do whatever we want in our fanfiction.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one
picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: That's a sad banana.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: One tiny room full of curtains.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: just a little fire?
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Rozafeen: Nope, nope, nope, no.
That is not what this is.
I will courier someone over there to slap you.
I would do it myself, but I am too weak.
Yay.
Thank you I love you.