The Intern: Welcome to Coffee Cults and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern. A bit short on time this time. Uh, let's see, uh, no updates on the Rosie from Accounting situation. Nothing new on the chronoscope. Keep using the hashtag.
Um, oh, also because it's relevant, Vafrus actually has had a girlfriend who lives in the Fyoos. I checked. It's not creepy that I checked. No time for it to be creepy that I checked. Moving on.
Last episode, everyone wrapped up their allotted helping to, you know, one degree or another. Will the crew do some actual investigation this time? Let's find out.
Tanam: And I'm here.
Vafrus: Hey!
Rozafeen: Hello. yay!
Don: Tonight is the night.
Rozafeen: I'm scared now.
Don: Tonight we meet definitely not "Vafrus backward." sever. Sev.
Vafrus: Saverin.
Don: Saverin!
Harmony: Is Vafrus going to get anyone to impersonate her voice? Not that she needs it.
Vafrus: Nooooo-
Don: Honestly, at this point, I think that'd be easier than what he's done so far.
Vafrus: no, no, there's no, there's not going to be any appearance. We're taking, we're taking a break. She's not, she's not coming.
Rozafeen: You're taking a break?
Vafrus: We're, we're, we're taking a little break from each other. So she won't be making an appearance tonight. But she, she's still real. She's not-
Don: No, I mean, despite not believing a word you say about her existence, I'm really sorry, man.
Vafrus: Thank you. Thanks. Thanks. Yeah, it's- you know, you put so much emotional energy into the girl of your literal dreams. And it's all the better because none of your friends think she's real!
Rozafeen: I mean, can you blame us?
Tanam: We should be nice, because it's gotta be especially hard when your imaginary girlfriend won't even stay, you, y'know?
Don: Nice.
Rozafeen: Did you break up with your imaginary girlfriend or did your imaginary girlfriend break up with you?
Vafrus: I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.
Rozafeen: Was it mutual between you and you?
Don: definitely mutual.
Rozafeen: It was by definition mutual.
Vafrus: Oh ho! Okay, I'm gonna hide hot rocks in all of your bags.
Don: You already did!
Vafrus: I'm gonna do more. I'm- Tanam, give me more hot rocks. I'm gonna put it in their food.
Harmony: Okay, what happened? Why did she want a break with you?
Vafrus: I guess I wasn't, like, being present enough. I don't know. It seemed like it came out of the blue. I thought she was going to come meet you guys today. We had it all scheduled. Maybe you guys scared her away. Did you guys- Hey, wait, is it, I- have, have one of you like done this on purpose just to screw with me?! Harmony, I'm looking at you!
Don: Literally thought she was in your imagination this entire time.
Vafrus: This is, this is, oh, I'm going crazy. Sorry, everyone. I know, you wouldn't do that.
Rozafeen: I have not tracked down the model of whoever is the actual person in the photos you tried to show us.
Vafrus: Oh!
Harmony: I was going to offer to do relationship counseling between you two, but...
Don: I'm sorry, did you say cancelling? Or did you say counseling?
Vafrus: I'll be sure I'll be sure to return that sort of condolence to you next time I think whatever you're talking about is bullshit.
Harmony: Oh, if you love her, you let her go. If it's meant to be, she comes back. Something never yours. I don't know.
Don: Great advice.
Vafrus: Alright, well, thanks everybody for your... attempts at consolation. Uh, let's just play, how about?
Don: No, you know what? We're horrible. The Intern wouldn't want this for us. Okay? I'm really sorry about what happened and that we've been insensitive about it.
Harmony: I, too, am sorry about what you're going through.
Vafrus: I appreciate you adding nothing more to that sentence.
Harmony: Heh
Vafrus: Let's just play, guys.
Don: Yeah, let's just play. I literally- I can't handle this level of emotion. All at once.
Vafrus: Does anyone - does anyone even remember what happened last time?
Don: There was a last time?
Vafrus: Let's see, we had, we resolved some stuff. The, the, the whole, the Beeb, slash Beebs adventure is, is finally put to rest. I'm sure we'll never see that guy again.
Tanam: Oh yeah, sure, that's never going to come back to bite you in any way whatsoever.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, that's probably fine. Did we somehow explode grease all over the place again? I feel like that happened.
Don: All over the bed. I think it was coffee and not grease, but you know.
Tanam: I think you were sleeping in Urekas's room because everyone else was talking in your room.
Don: Right, right. Everyone decided my room was the place to be, and I decided it wasn't.
Harmony: Did I spill in Georg's room or my room?
Don: Yours. I don't remember how this happened, but I definitely spilled coffee all over the bed. And it might have been, like, acid coffee? I don't remember.
Vafrus: I also remember we convinced Urekas to go on the date away from the hidey hole that we want to investigate without telling Urekas that that's why we wanted her to do that-
Tanam: yes,
Vafrus: -in case her memory got read.
Tanam: You are currently about to go out and, I believe, investigate The Second, while the birds and not bird followers are helping Urekas get ready for her date with the Mindlord. She's going to bring him back to the hotel to watch a show, I think.
Harmony: Yeah, there's so many good shows to choose from. I want show that's the most romantic.
Tanam: Aww. Okay, we'll figure something out.
Vafrus: We should really, like, start making some kind of recording of these sessions. Don't you have, like, those rocks that can do it? Then we could, like, go back and, remember this stuff from whatever happened last time better.
Tanam: I am not recording over my music, if that's what you're implying.
Vafrus: no, no, not the thousand year old, heheheheh, the thousand year old music. Uh, I mean, you know-
Tanam: get some new ones or something.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Tanam: Oh, an hour though, those, that one is going to be like...
Don: Come on, you already got two glazes.
Tanam: Don't remind me. you were gonna go stalk the Second.
Vafrus: Yeah. How, how long would you say it has been since Georg and I left to go harass Beeb?
Don: I like that you just slip the reason as "harass Beeb" in there.
Vafrus: I mean, it sounds a lot nicer than "assassinate the Captain," which was the original goal of the mission.
Don: Your original goal!
Tanam: Okay, I'll say it is more than an hour, less than eight hours, I think, for the thing that you're going to-
Vafrus: Okay, yes, you have deduced my wish, which is I, I want to still have my Major Image spell going, if that's alright.
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: Wait so all of us see you not looking like Ruffort?
Vafrus: No, that spell is not how I look like Ruffort. I have a different ability that makes me look like Ruffort.
Tanam: I think Ruffort is not very observant and not great at paying attention. However, he is very, very, very practiced at switching between faces and so I think he is at least aware of who he is currently. And so thought enough to turn back at some point.
Vafrus: Would be funny if, like, a stranger walked into the hotel and everyone's who the hell are you?
Tanam: It would have been funny, but, uh, we missed the chance.
Vafrus: that's a, that's a mistake I've made like multiple times in the past, and I've gotten over
Tanam: gotten, gotten better at it.
Vafrus: I just realized I just, I just cast a different spell, so actually not have my Major Image spell going, uh, you cost me a spell to clean the room!
Don: Rules wise, you can still cast a spell that's not concentration while a concentration spell's active.
Tanam: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Vafrus: you're
Don: So I think you're
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, Okay, it's still going, okay, so I can make all kinds of things happen, excellent.
Rozafeen: Wait, so Georg dropped out of the Major Image spell, but the Major Image spell is still happening?
Vafrus: He just walked out of it, the costume stayed still, and he stepped out of it. And then I have since panicked and done whatever I've done.
Don: Uh, just to clarify, you look like... Yourself normally, and I look like myself normally, yeah?
Vafrus: Yeah. Yep
Don: Okay
Vafrus: Alright, so we can, we can, there's all kinds of shenanigans we can do with the Second, but yeah, maybe we just spy on him for a little while. Let's find out what he's doing right now.
Tanam: Does anybody have any ideas about how to find him?
Rozafeen: Can I spy on him while eating a burrito?
Tanam: The hotel does have that snack room, they might have to-go foods, we'll say there's a burrito bar.
Rozafeen: Is there a to go slab of meat for Justice?
Tanam: It's not normally a to-go thing, but yeah.
Rozafeen: She and I fist bump.
Don: I gotta teach my cat to fist bump.
Rozafeen: I'm like, "All right, now don't leave any crumbs. Spying on someone 101."
Don: I gotta teach my cat to not leave any crumbs. don't think that one's happening, though.
Tanam: Justice is- you think that she might be nodding as she's like, "om mmmnn nonchm."
Rozafeen: Eat without a trace.
Vafrus: Alright. I don't know where I got the idea that Major Image lasts 8 hours. It does not. I've just noticed. Uh, it is, considerably less than that. So it is, it is long gone.
Rozafeen: That's less fun. I think it should last eight hours shall we take a vote?.
Tanam: Yeah, for a third level spell that should last longer, I concur. It's still going.
Vafrus: Yay. Excellent. All right. Well, in that case I can disguise the whole party. Does anybody want a new face?
Harmony: Excuse me?
Don: I think I've had all the new faces I can handle in a day.
Vafrus: Uh, Hellena?
Rozafeen: no, pretty happy with my face over here, putting a burrito in it right now.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: I like the idea that this conversation is happening in the snack room while... You're kind of going down the burrito bar and-
Rozafeen: Do you want to ask the salesperson?
Vafrus: "Would you like a new face? It will only cost you one you have."
Tanam: yeah, no, no, the snack room is gratis. But there is an attendant and they are visibly not listening to you, like, unless you needed something, in which case they would, you know, instantly be listening to you, but...
Don: Hold on-
Vafrus: I'll turn to Justice. Huh? Huh? New face?
Tanam: "Nom, Nom, nom, nom."
Don: We just went down to... And we're in, like, the prime, like, a nice hotel, right? We didn't downgrade when I wasn't looking? We're in a nice hotel.
Tanam: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, the, the, no, I'm saying that it is such a nice hotel that the attendant will instantly be ready for you, like, the moment that you need anything, possibly even the moment before.
Don: No, not what saying okay I'm saying we're in a nice hotel-
Tanam: yes.
Don: in the Great Gambling Hall, which is a busy area, and there is no one else at this burrito bar?
Tanam: Not at the moment. Most people who are staying at the hotel have already eaten lunch or are still sleeping off the previous night's festivities.
Don: Georg starts checking his burrito for poison.
Rozafeen: Did you un burrito the innards of your burrito?
Don: in fact you know what? Georg doesn't have a burrito. Georg looks around at the other burritos and is like, "I ain't trustin' this!"
Vafrus: I'll have Georg's burrito.
Don: Georg makes a burrito and is like, I don't know, this is, uh, "it's your funeral."
Vafrus: I'll test it for you, don't worry. Free food? Are you crazy? You don't even have to steal it.
Don: Georg takes out a ration, which is also a burrito, and starts eating it
Vafrus: Ooh, check to see if it's there.
Tanam: Oh yeah, that's true.
Don: that's a good point. what is this, a straight d20, or-
Tanam: Eleven to 20 is, "yes, it's there."
Don: it is so not there. I rolled a one.
Tanam: Okay, so you reach into your bag, which I guess you have gotten back from Hellena, and you were very grateful that she brought your bag back. You reach inside for your rations, and they are not there.
Don: Georg is devastated. Those were my ration burritos.
Rozafeen: "Those were my grandfather's rations!" I'm like, "Oh man, I'm sorry. I had to dump the bags pretty fast. I thought that everything made it back in. You want me to buy you a few burritos here?"
Vafrus: buy you some of these free poison burritos.
Rozafeen: I mean, I've eaten half of mine and I haven't had the urge to go to the bathroom at all.
Vafrus: Mmhmm.
Don: Yeah, that's now. You wait two hours, you see what happens. We're about to go on a stakeout. Now look, in Northbridge, you don't eat anywhere where other people aren't eating. And I don't know if that holds true elsewhere, but I think that holds true here.
Rozafeen: I shrug and I take a gigantic bite.
Don: "Ah, it's your funeral." And Georg looks sad, but goes on. And might stop at a questionable food stall later.
Tanam: As long as there's other people eating there.
Don: Hey, as long as other people are getting food poisoning, it's fine.
Vafrus: Yeah, I'm gonna just straight up and lie to Georg and tell him I have a magic way to cleanse poison out of food.
Don: Oh yeah, if you could pick me up a few burritos.
Vafrus: I'll cast Prestidigitation on burritos and change the color slightly.
Don: Georg really, like, carefully examines the burritos, He's like "you sure? It looks like they were diff-rent."
Vafrus: Yeah, that's the magic. That's how you know it sunk in.
Tanam: K, so two things. One, roll Deception.
Vafrus: yep.
Tanam: This is gonna cover both convincing him that you have this ability and also convincing him after the fact-
Vafrus: Uh, this is, this is 16.
Tanam: okay. Georg, your passive perception is not that high, right?
Don: Nope!
Tanam: Okay, cool.
Don: Now, if it's passive Investigation, I'm good, but if it's passive Perception, nope.
Tanam: Annnd...
Vafrus: And I cast another spell!
Tanam: Yep, you cast another spell. Go ahead and roll that
Vafrus: Ooo, and It's under the mark!
Tanam: Ohhhhhhhhh okayyyyyyy
Vafrus: I'll cleanse your food for you, Georg!
Tanam: And then let's see what happens...
Don: I really hope you roll one where a whole cow falls down outta the sky, and then Georg has to decide if the cow is... A result of the cleansing? Like there was a, the, the, material of a whole live creature in this one burrito?
Tanam: We are rolling a percentile die. D100, let me know what you get.
Vafrus: 6!
Tanam: Okay, roll one more time.
Vafrus: 91
Tanam: Okay, Huh. Okay. Go ahead and reset your thing.
Vafrus: Everything is fine. Excellent.
Vafrus: So, yeah, we should like... The Second works in an office, right? Should we just go there first?
Tanam: Well, he works at his house.
Vafrus: We know where his house is. Let's just, check that first.
Rozafeen: yeah, I don't want to go in and have another talk in that awkward, awkward office, but we could totally, like, peer over the wall.
Vafrus: Yeah, and, we got ways to see stuff.
Don: wait, wait, wait, are we trying to sneak in while he's not looking, or we're trying to look while he's not looking?
Vafrus: We think he's the guilty one, just cause he's kinda skeevy, and so we're gonna go try to find clues.
Don: Okay, so, thing is, my armor makes kind of a lot of noise. I don't know if anybody else has noticed that, but it goes clankity clank clank clank. And, um, if he's there, and I walk up, it's gonna sound like there's a whole military division outside of his office.
Harmony: Oh, I thought that noise was just your heart.
Don: No.
Vafrus: Tell you what, I'll just approach as somebody else. I'll put on a new face and see if he's there. Ask him some dumb solicitor question if he is. Try to sell him some new shoes or something.
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: maybe you and Hellena approach, and I'll, um, I don't know- make a noise if you need back up, and I'll, I'll be behind some rubble, or a building, or literally anything I can find.
Vafrus: And if he's there, we can spy on him, and if he's not, we can ransack his house! Perfect plan!
Don: Wait-
Rozafeen: I doubt this is the kind of house that is ever empty of people.
Don: also, why are we ransacking his house?
Vafrus: Clues! And loot.
Don: I mean, the last time we ransacked somebody's house for clues, we had to give all of the "clues"-
Vafrus: I mean, I'm still, I still feel like that wasn't a great decision, but, you know, alright.
Don: Giving them back or taking the things in the first place?
Vafrus: Giving them back! Now we don't have as much clues!
Don: We didn't have any clues, that's why we gave it back. Also, we maybe didn't need to take it to figure out if there were clues.
Vafrus: Alright, this time we'll only take actual clues, and, like, a little bit of treasure.
Don: You're not gonna just try to convince me that a very valuable object was a "clue," yeah?
Vafrus: We'll only take a little bit of the very valuable object.
Don: Look, Georg had a long night of not sleeping and getting woken up from, you know, making coffee.
Harmony: You did sleep.
Don: For a little while.
Harmony: Don't say you got no sleep. You're not appreciating my bed that you ruined.
Don: I don't know if I can take responsibility for your bed getting ruined when you were the one that woke me up, demanded coffee, and then started pushing buttons.
Harmony: Well, if I had coffee, I wouldn't have needed to wake you up.
Don: Ya know, fair point.
Tanam: Okay. so, you're in the snack room.
Don: I mean, snacks sound good.
Vafrus: We finish eating, and then go do something investigatory, finally. We're gonna go see the Second, that was, that was the plan. Or, no, no, we're gonna go to the Second's house to see if he's there, cause we don't even know where he is. We're gonna go there, and either interrogate him or snoop. Depending. That's what we do.
Harmony: Yeah, that's a good idea.
Don: I mean, you gotta get ready for your date.
Harmony: The crows are doing my makeup. Etc.
Vafrus: Ooh. I like that they're crows, now. I was imagining much like cuter birds, but, but crows are great.
Harmony: Crows are beautiful, excuse you.
Vafrus: That's what I said. They're, they're, they're great. I mean, yeah, they're beautiful, but like "cute" means slightly different than "beautiful."
Harmony: Hmm. A lot of people call me cute and not beautiful. I should send my crows after them.
Vafrus: I mean, you can be both...
Harmony: I am both.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: So the crows, which are now what the birds are- we all decided.
Harmony: Yeah, they're doing my eyeliner, they're gonna make my eyebrows kind of look like feathers. It's gonna be cute. And beautiful.
Tanam: okay.
Harmony: Oh, and I'm wearing my sheet dress still, right? It's very elegant.
Tanam: oh yeah, that's right, because you didn't give it back.
Harmony: Yeah. Oh, and I need something to hide the Helm of Telepathy. Maybe something that looks like a bed ornament to like kind of complete the look.
Tanam: Okay, so you are specifically dressing bed-themed on your date to a romantic play.
Harmony: Hint, hint.
Rozafeen: woohoohoo,
Harmony: Yeah, I'm thinking like a fancy headboard.
Vafrus: Oh
Harmony: so hopefully nobody sits behind me because it's going to block their view.
Vafrus: Dating a mindreader is like one of the only situations where all of these so, you know, subtle hints, subtle in quotes, would actually like really work, you know? You could do whatever you want and "oh that's what I'm supposed to get from this, I understand."
Tanam: So are they gathering supplies for- so I know you have the quick change ability that you got when you leveled up, but have you kind of, um... Expanded that to be Fast Outfit Production in addition to Fast Outfit Changing?
Harmony: Uh, if I can, yes. Yes, I have.
Vafrus: "Do you want more power?" The DM asks the players.
Harmony: Yes, I do. Now that I have to change my outfit, I mean, I do need the headboard hat.
Tanam: Hehehe. I feel like I've been lax on material components for spells. Does that mean, like, the material components for your clothing is also included under that? I'll say yes, you can. You can make things quickly, but you do have to have some sort of raw material.
Harmony: Oh, I can just use the headboard from my room.
Vafrus: Yes, let's do it, come on. We steal the bed, we just take the whole bed, we turn it into clothing, while walking to the next destination, which I remind you we are doing right now. So, DM, tell us what happens when we to the Second's house. Or what happens on the way, you know, whatever.
Tanam: you arrive at the Second's house-
Vafrus: Carrying, like, a whole bed between us, ya know.
Tanam: I'm assuming that there's...
Vafrus: that's being deconstructed by birds.
Don: I think, uh, I think I maybe could cut off the headboard so it was easier ta carry.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Vafrus: Oh! What am I thinking? The followers are carrying the bed, obviously.
Harmony: While I'm on it.
Vafrus: Yes!
Don: I like the idea of deconstructing the palanquin while-
Vafrus: Yeah,
Don: -the person is riding it
Vafrus: coming apart. Also, we'd like to do it stealthily, please.
Harmony: Yo, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Vafrus: Does anybody notice while we're doing it? Also, I'm going to be casting stealth fireworks while we go.
Don: I mean, I feel like the fireworks could be a nice distraction.
Tanam: Fireworks in the middle of the day. At this place where the guards are already slightly on edge because of the spider attack. And the fire that you lit last night?
Vafrus: Okay, no, I don't cast any magic.
Tanam: So you arrive at the Second's house. Oh man, I can't remember, was there some sort of means of communicating with the house from the gate? I don't remember. It doesn't matter.
Vafrus: Can we get the followers to sound some stealth trumpets while we go? so that they know we're coming?
Harmony: Okay, yeah.
Don: I forget, why are we being sneaky?
Vafrus: not, we're truly not. That's the whole joke.
Harmony: Maybe just the classic, like "hey, look over there!"
Don: Okay, Georg is trying to sneak this whole time, and, um.
Vafrus: Which is perfectly appropriate.
Don: In heavy armor.
Vafrus: He's probably the stealthiest of us all.
Don: This is the only time that Georg has ever been stealthier than anything.
Vafrus: if you want to sneak in heavy armor, stand next to the rest of us.
Tanam: Okay, you are outside the gate at the Second's.
Vafrus: Yeah, if they don't notice the trumpets, we knock.
Tanam: I thought that there was some sort of rigmarole last time, and I have forgotten-
Vafrus: we do the rigarmole- rigamarole. We are announcing the presence of Urekas and spend two solid minutes on all of her titles and...
Don: I got a 17 for my Rigmarole.
Vafrus: Ooh, that's a pretty good...
Don: I don't know what that gets me though.
Tanam: Did you add your proficiency in rigmarole-ia?
Don: Uh, no, I didn't, I didn't know I had proficiency. Let me add that, okay, so, uh, alright, well, that brings it up to a 20, I mean.
Tanam: Oh, nice, a dirty twenty. You go up and you knock on the door. And you do remember that last time there was the servant who had an uncanny ability to just be someplace without you noticing.
Vafrus: Oh! No, I don't remember. That's the guy! That's gotta be our our, our, our villain! We solved it, everyone! Let's grab him! I don't say any of this. Anyway, there's this servant.
Tanam: You would maybe expect, normally, that he would come to the door and answer it, but he does not.
Vafrus: Perfect.
Harmony: So, he's just ignoring us?
Tanam: uhyaa don't know.
Vafrus: I'm gonna politely request the Prince take a peek inside and see If the coast is clear and we can just safely break in.
Tanam: Okay, so this is an interesting one. You're trying to get the Prince to scout the house for your breaking and entering.
Vafrus: Mmhm. Yep.
Tanam: Huh. How do you think the Prince feels about that?
Vafrus: The Prince might just decide we don't need to break in and he's just gonna go look at whatever we would have looked at and tell us about it. That could be a solution.
Harmony: Do you want me to help with my Deception?
Tanam: Oh, you, uh, you do not know that this is going on.
Harmony: Oh, right, because I'm sleeping.
Don: Yup, that's why.
Vafrus: This is, this is, this is great. Urekas is the best character, everyone.
Harmony: Agreed.
Vafrus: It was the lullaby trumpets, you know, those...
Harmony: I was like, I hear them so often, you know, because I get celebrated so much, so I actually have learned to sleep during them.
Vafrus: And meanwhile, like, actually sleep deprived, marching alongside, trying to be stealthy. Sorry, Georg, this is wonderful.
Don: uh, did stop trying to sneak, uh, once it was explained that I should not sneak, but, you know.
Harmony: I thought you were gonna stop at, "I stopped trying."
Don: I mean that too. I stopped trying this morning when you woke me up and made me acid the bed.
Tanam: that was this afternoon, but I guess we can-
Don: Whatever, afternoon. I'm a little confused on time, cause Urekas causes problems.
Harmony: I can't hear you, I'm sleeping.
Don: Oh, right. Everybody be quiet.
Harmony: Continue.
Vafrus: If the Prince doesn't want us to break in, the Prince should just tell me that, and I'll believe him.
Tanam: I'm trying to, on the fly here, work through the Prince's moral stance on this. And he's also, at the same time, trying to convince Calumn that he's being evil.
Vafrus: Like, this is perhaps the first moment in a long time that we're like actually on official business and doing the job we were hired to do.
Tanam: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vafrus: And if we don't loot the place, then we'll like, be fine you know?
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: We'll at least be doing better than last time.
Tanam: So you pass by the hot rocks room-
Vafrus: We take them all.
Tanam: The Prince has a moment of hesitation-
Vafrus: Worlds within worlds are in his mind. He understands the big picture. Taking a moment to consider is not a strange thing. By the way, nobody knows that I'm trying to solve a problem; we're just standing in front of the door.
Tanam: Which is it makes it doubly awkward for the Prince to be taking time to consider. After a moment of everyone just kind of staring at each other, like, waiting for someone to come back from the knock, and no one coming back from the knock, you feel the Prince's presence again your head. And, he says that it is strangely unoccupied.
Vafrus: I trust my friends now. "The Dark Lord I serve says that the house is unoccupied. Um, so, we should be able to just go in," I say nonchalantly, uh, and since I lie all the time, like, you might not believe me, I don't know.
Don: Georg kind of trips over his armor a little bit, and then goes, "uh, mm, um, uh, tell me about this Dark Lord?"
Vafrus: I'm searching my things for thieves tools. I think I've never had any. But also I'm proficient with them. so like probably at some point in my life I had some and it's just been a while, so I'm like checking all of my pockets and-
Tanam: Hellena, have anything to, uh, say about the Dark Lord comment?
Vafrus: Oh no, we lost Rozafeen.
Don: Again.
Harmony: Could be a glaze issue.
Vafrus: How long has it been? I kinda, I kinda thought she was being a little quiet.
Rozafeen: Oh, sorry, I'm back. what did I miss?
Tanam: What was the last time you thing you remember?
Rozafeen: Oh no, can you guys still not hear me?
Tanam: Okay, we can hear you now.
Don: No, we can hear you.
Rozafeen: okay.
Don: it happens again, just shake it really aggressively. I've heard can help sometimes.
Rozafeen: Sometimes throwing it against the wall.
Don: Gently.
Tanam: What was the last thing you heard? Can you hear me? Can anybody hear me?
Don: I can still hear you,
Harmony: Yeah, I can hear you.
Tanam: Okay, I can't hear if you're talking, Rozafeen, we cannot hear you.
Don: I think she might have thrown it against the wall too aggressively.
Rozafeen: So, I haven't heard Tanam in a very long time.
Vafrus: Okay, that be the issue. Can you hear the rest of us?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I
Tanam: that's-
Don: this would explain a lot.
Tanam: Um, I don't know what happens if I leave.
Rozafeen: I might need to just buy a new glaze.
Vafrus: Someone's just gotta repeat everything Tanam says from now on. That seems like a reasonable solution. Let's keep playing.
Don: Yeah, no, we can definitely work with this.
Rozafeen: That would be great, actually, if he talks for like two minutes and then there's like a 15 second summary and I'm like, "OK, I'm in."
Vafrus: Ohhh there's recap. Ohhh, who wants to be the recapper?
Rozafeen: So if I had to guess, we're somewhere eating.
Vafrus: Okay-
Rozafeen: I feel like there's a reasonable probability that that's a thing we're-
Don: oh that is a-
Vafrus: No, that's an excellent guess.
Harmony: It's a really good guess.
Vafrus: We found our way to the Second's house, uh, and I have nonchalantly announced to the world that I serve a Dark Lord. I said, "oh yeah, the Dark Lord I serve says that it's empty and we can just go inside without a problem."
Rozafeen: I think it explains a lot.
Don: I mean, it explains some stuff, but... Dark... Lord doesn't really... I didn't know.
Rozafeen: You know, I'm oddly comfortable with it.
Don: Huh. Okay, I mean... Wait, you said you needed thieves tools?
Vafrus: Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, "Oh man, I thought I had some on me." I'm like trying to find my like lock picking gear. "Hold on. Let me just go to the market and buy some real quick."
Don: no, no, I've got some for you.
Vafrus: Oh! Thank you!
Don: I, wait, oh, no, I just read my character sheet and that takes one hour of uninterrupted work. Um, in an hour I can have some for you.
Vafrus: alright, also, half of our possessions might be gone, so, is that on the you have it list yet?
Don: the one that I actually have is thieves tools already, so it doesn't take an hour.
Vafrus: Wonderful, wonderful.
Tanam: But it's 50 percent chance that it's gone.
Don: let me give you, twelve.
Vafrus: okay, that's a yes, right?
Tanam: Yup, they're there.
Don: So I pull out some thieves tools, and then I, uh, and then I hand them to Ruffort-
Vafrus: Awww, thank you, my good buddy.
Don: Your Dark Lord seems like a decent sort, I guess, helping us get in-
Vafrus: I mean, he's great. Let me tell you all about him.
Rozafeen: My thought is, the Dark Lord hasn't actually been getting him to do anything bad, and I don't say this out loud, but we have all kind of seen Ruffort's reasoning, right? So who knows what Ruffort likes? Like, whatever Ruffort calls a Dark Lord, who knows what it really is?
Don: That's fair. mean, I could easily see, based on Ruffort's general logic, that Dark Lord is actually just a weird... voice in his head,
Rozafeen: Right.
Don: telling him, uh, to do the things that he normally does.
Rozafeen: Or someone who thinks the nighttime is the best time.
Don: Could be. Maybe, yeah, maybe it's that kind of Dark Lord.
Vafrus: Alright, so my Thieves Tool Check wasn't great. I got an 11. I've got a thing I can do if that's a failure.
Tanam: What is it that you're trying to do?
Vafrus: I'm trying to pick the lock of the door so we can get in.
Tanam: what's your, what's your thing?
Vafrus: I've got, uh, the Talisman. On a failed ability check, I can add a d4.
Tanam: go ahead.
Vafrus: So now we're up to a 13.
Tanam: yeah, we'll say that does it.
Vafrus: Hey! So I'm, like, getting really frustrated. And then I pull out a talisman that is always invisible because all of my real clothes are just hidden under my illusions. So I like reach into my chest and pull out a talisman and like kind of tap it on the door and then it opens.
Tanam: And the door is open. It's, uh, it doesn't squeak open, it's a, uh, well maintained door.
Vafrus: Okay. Acting as though we're being stealthy, I like start doing hand signs to everyone to like quietly follow me into the house.
Tanam: Including the followers carrying Urekas on the bed?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, the whole caravan.
Harmony: Can we fit through the doorframe? How big is it?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm concerned that the whole bed situation is not going to be terribly stealthy.
Don: Georg goes back to sneaking.
Tanam: can we say that the, the birds have finished deconstructing it, and it's now time for Urekas to wake up?
Vafrus: it's just like two boards that you're like laying on while wearing a bed.
Harmony: I was imagining it the entire bed and the headboard, which they were deconstructing and making into a beautiful hat.
Tanam: Okay, so they're leaving the bed in one piece. Maybe leave the bed on the porch?
Harmony: Okay. Alright. Okay, I'll wake up. Good morning!
Don: Alright, I got a 4 for Stealth for Georg.
Vafrus: Ooh, excellent.
Rozafeen: Oh, do I need to roll Stealth?
Vafrus: If you wanna sneak? We've confirmed there's no one to sneak from. The Dark Lord has said there's nobody in there.
Don: Oh, right, right.
Rozafeen: Well, nonetheless, I got a 19.
Harmony: Nice. I got a 12.
Vafrus: I too will sneak. I got a 22.
Tanam: I love how there's a bed that you're leaving on the front porch. You've just broken into the house to the sound of trumpets, and now you are all sneaking. This is great.
Vafrus: Now to be fair the trumpets were like while we were walking down the street, you know. Now, if anybody followed us, they you know, they can still just see what we're doing. But-
Don: Also, Georg's version of sneaking is he's hunched over in kind of a half crouch, and he keeps saying, "sneak-"
Vafrus: yeah
Don: "sneak," but he's not very quiet.
Vafrus: That's very good. Yeah. The quieter you say it.
Rozafeen: Is that to cover up the sound of your armor?
Don: It hopefully aligns with my footsteps, but sometimes it doesn't, and I get the timing wrong.
Vafrus: that's, that's that's when you roll low.
Don: Very, very low.
Vafrus: All right. We're going to look around for clues. We don't know what kind of clues there might be, but anything that could connect Second to shady dealings of any kind, spider magic, or secret tunnels. I'm going to go to the room where we met him before the, the like. Is it like office? Yeah, that's where I'm going.
Tanam: I think I described it as sparse before. Urekas was doing wall sits there.
Harmony: Oh, yeah.
Tanam: uh, so I guess the probably only thing is the desk?
Vafrus: Also, I'll change my appearance to look like him while I search through his desk.
Tanam: Has everyone seen you do that?
Vafrus: Perhaps not? I don't know, I've been changing my appearance a lot lately.
Tanam: I don't know that Urekas and Hellena have-
Vafrus: it's true, so if I get a little bit ahead, there might be a freakout.
Tanam: uh, can somebody convey that to Rozafeen, please?
Vafrus: uh, Tanam has pointed out that if I change my appearance to look like the Second, not everybody may know that I can do that, one. And also, we're in the Second's house and you might... Not be surprised to see the Second here. It might mistake me for actually him, two. So, that could be a problem.
Rozafeen: If we're together and then you change into the Second, I'm not going to be surprised and I'm not going to think you're the Second because I had the whole touching your head thing earlier.
Vafrus: okay. So I guess it's only possibly Harmony. Do you know that I can change appearances, Harmony?
Harmony: Um, I was just kind of... Looking at my nails, looking at my reflection on them, so I didn't see you change.
Vafrus: So if you look up and I'm the Second, will you be surprised by that?
Harmony: Oh, yeah, yeah, that'll be alarming.
Vafrus: Alright, so Urekas, as you look up from your nails, uh, I have, like, creeped up to the door of the Second's office, and I turn back to look at you, and I'm, like, doing, you know, nonsense hand signs, because I don't know any sign language, and have offered no explanation, but I'm doing all kinds of like, doodly things with my hands as if I'm communicating, and I make eye contact with you, and I look exactly like the Second, and then I go in the door.
Harmony: Okay, that's terrifying. I just, I back out the way I came in, just walking backwards, you know, with my hands all up and smooth, you know, like you can't see me. Unspoken agreement, this never happened.
Vafrus: I give you a thumbs up as if, like, we have communicated something, and continue.
Harmony: This is very alarming. Okay, well, I just start whispering to everyone else, "Hey, it's the Second."
Don: You know, okay, I was gonna let this play out, but that's not the Second. That's just Ruffort looking like the Second.
Harmony: Ruffort?
Vafrus: I poke my head out. I'm the Second again, but I've like slightly exaggerated the nose.
Harmony: Ohhhh-
Don: Ruffort, you're not helping.
Vafrus: Do I, do I surmise what has happened?
Harmony: I'm terrified, that's all, I'm just speechless.
Tanam: Uh, maybe roll to find out.
Vafrus: Alright, what's my, what am I rolling? Cause if it's Insight... It's not going to be good.
Tanam: yeah, I mean, is, like, reading someone else's emotions, so yeah, this is Insight.
Vafrus: Okay. Well, I got a 15. That's a total of 13.
Don: That's surprisingly good for you.
Tanam: Yeah, I think in this one case...
Vafrus: Okay. I will change the head back to Ruffort while the body has the clothes of the Second, and I'll be like, come on, Urekas, let's search this room.
Harmony: You are so scary. Can I use Invisibility to just make you go away?
Vafrus: I will, I am a willing creature if you cast Invisibility on me.
Harmony: I cast Invisibility.
Vafrus: Excellent! Urekas is so helpful! I am going to invisibly search the room.
Harmony: I accidentally helped you.
Vafrus: As you're like, "go away!"
Tanam: So. There's not much in the room except for the desk.
Vafrus: Tanam says there's not much in the room. I'm gonna search the desk. Is there any drawers, anything, secret passages? I'm gonna... You know, tap the walls and the floor. I'm looking for whatever.
Tanam: Okay, on the desk are a bunch of papers. I'm not sure if anyone remembers this, but he was reading blank papers. Before.
Vafrus: Oh, this guy is funny.
Don: Right,
Vafrus: So I, I, I, I shuffle through the blank papers a little bit, make a show of like reading them and being like, "ah, yes. Ah, I see."
Don: Georg's really into it. He goes like, uh, "what do you got? What's in there? I see the papers moving..."
Vafrus: I, I shuffle to the third paper and, like, hold it up to him. I'm like, "you see that?"
Don: I... see a blank sheet of paper, right? That's what I see, yeah?
Vafrus: Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Don: Okay.
Vafrus: I'm like "exactly." And I put it back.
Don: I'm sorry, I thought you were reading.
Rozafeen: Did someone cast Invisibility on the paper? Just the ink?
Harmony: Ha heh!
Don: Well, that's a pretty impressive Invisibility spell. I mean....
Vafrus: Ahh.
Tanam: So yeah, none of the papers on top of the desk have anything on them.
Vafrus: And, and there's nothing, it's like, there's no, like, compartments or anything in the desk.
Tanam: There are drawers.
Vafrus: I look at all I look through all of them, come on. And if there's magic items, I put them on immediately, come on. Like the...
Tanam: hehehehehehe standard procedure.
Don: Gotta make sure those items aren't cursed!
Vafrus: Yeah, exactly. And if there's anything that looks like a beverage, I'll just drink it, come on, let's... Oh man, that inkwell wasn't great. Yeah, yeah. I don't automatically drink things that I see, but I do think about it.
Harmony: Heh.
Tanam: So, one of the drawers is entirely full of blank sheets of paper.
Vafrus: Is a good drawer. I like this drawer. I look through the papers just in case, like maybe there's like hidden ones.
Tanam: yeah, no, it's all blank, but a drawer on the other side of the desk, does contain... A stack of actual papers. It's not organized, it's just like a big pile of stuff thrown in a drawer.
Vafrus: Why does he have the blank papers if he's got these? Pull them out, splay them across the desk so it looks like the desk is actually full of stuff, and start looking through it.
Tanam: So the papers, a lot of them are receipts and simple architectural drawings.
Vafrus: Okay, do any of the drawings have a tunnel?
Tanam: The architectural drawings do not have a tunnel-
Vafrus: Do they have a bathroom?
Tanam: Yeah, it is definitely the one room. Thing.
Vafrus: Urekas, I found drawings of that bathroom you like so much.
Harmony: Oh!
Tanam: Well, bathroom itself is not on there.
Vafrus: Oh! Of the house that has the secret bathroom.
Tanam: heh
Harmony: I want to know everything about that house.
Vafrus: Alright I give you all the papers. Well, all the papers that is relevant to that. Is there anything else going on?
Tanam: A lot of the paper, the receipts and stuff, actually do seem to be for stuff for that house.
Vafrus: That's the house that has the secret tunnel, right?
Tanam: The secret tunnel is outside, out back.
Vafrus: But it's, it's clearly associated with that house.
Tanam: It's near that house.
Vafrus: Okay, fine, uh.
Tanam: And do you guys want to convey any of this to Rozafeen?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. I've dug through the papers, I've found architectural drawings of the house that has the magic bathroom.
Rozafeen: Right.
Vafrus: So far, no signs of the tunnel.
Rozafeen: Oh, the tunnel's not on the drawings?
Vafrus: No.
Rozafeen: oooooo
Don: interesting
Vafrus: And, and, Tanam has been explicit that the tunnel may not be associated with the house. We have no proof of that.
Don: That's awkwardly... Coincidental.
Rozafeen: Well, can the architectural drawings make clear how much of the land is shown on the drawings? Because if we know that the door is within a certain distance of the house, then either it should be on there or not, right?
Vafrus: Yeah yeah yeah.
Tanam: It's more of a simple drawing. There's, like, annotations that say how big it is, and where the portal to the bathroom is. There's a lot of focus paid on the process of getting the bed in there, but beyond that, it's just kind of like a piece of paper and it's not really like an official document.
Vafrus: Okay. The drawings are too simple to have that kind of detail, there's some measurements, and there's a lot of focus on getting the bed inside the house, apparently that was like a whole process, but, we cannot discern whether the tunnel was part of the house from these rudimentary drawings.
Tanam: Can everybody who's looking through the papers make an investigation check?
Don: Normally, I'd say I'm good at Investigation. I got a nine. A Nat 2.
Vafrus: I got a fifteen.
Harmony: I have a twelve.
Tanam: And what about Rozafeen?
Don: Uh Rozafeen, can you make a Investigation check?
Vafrus: Oh, super quiet, but that sounded like a dirty 20 to me. Hey Rozafeen, can you say it louder?
Rozafeen: [unintelligable],
Vafrus: [sigh]
Don: I can barely hear.
Vafrus: Yeahhh. New problem, apparently. I think Rozafeen is dropping out for a little while.
Tanam: Okay. I will go from lowest to highest and hopefully she will be back by the time I get there.
Vafrus: Sounds good.
Tanam: So, for the nine, Georg, I think you focus a lot on trying to decipher the secrets of the architectural drawings, and I think you are frustrated by how unprofessionally the drawings were made. You're just sitting there being angry at it.
Don: That makes sense. I'm like, "do you see these lines? These aren't even straight lines. Did you just free draw these? What is even the scale? There's no scale on this thing."
Tanam: And then, Urekas, with a 12, you notice that, the receipts are almost entirely for the house. There are a few mixed in that are clearly for stuff that isn't in that house, might be, in this house, so there's, like, receipts for another bed.
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: And, like, way more curtains than you would expect given the size of the place, so those curtains might be for this house.
Harmony: Interesting. Okay.
Tanam: Ruffort, you had a 15?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: With your 15, there are letters, like a whole set of letters and correspondence, basically no one is officially a mirror mason anymore, but from the way that the letters go, it seems like it's a mirror mason situation. The person is based in Klaoil, and this is the kind of back and forth negotiation that The Second was doing in order to get the bathroom portal installed.
Vafrus: Are you saying this is a mirror mason who exists despite there being none left? Or they are a fraud posing as one? Or they are the closest thing to it? What is this?
Tanam: At this point, mirror masonry is not really legal, and so no one would say, "I'm a mirror mason."
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: But, from the discussion that's happening, it's clear that this person is.
Vafrus: So he's found a legit, illegal mirror mason and they're just not saying that's who it is. They've got some of codename or something, okay.
Tanam: yeah, yeah,
Don: Are any of you saying any of this out loud?
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: You'll be like, "there's way too many curtains!" And I'll be like, "I think this is an illegal mirror mason."
Harmony: Like, look at how many outfits!
Don: As soon as you say Illegal mirror mason, uh, Georg goes, "Wait, gimme that," and, uh, and grabs the, the letters, and says, "uh, I'm very interested in, in the mirror masons, as a, uh, intellectual, uh..." and then he just gets lost and starts to actually read.
Vafrus: Heh heh heh heh, heh, that's funny. So you're not even trying to solve the mystery, you're just like, Oh, you'd say, you said the magic word, alright. That's hilarious, I love it. Assuming that Georg has gotten that part of the mystery under bag, I guess we're gonna move on? Is that all we find in the room?
Tanam: There's the thing that Hellena found with her 20. I was hoping that Rozafeen would be back by the time I got to her, but she's not, so, I'll just make you guys all wait to find out, until next time.
Don: All that talk of burritos was making me hungry, so, uh, yeah, I mean, I guess we can wait till next time. I'll go make myself one and comfort myself.
Harmony: Oh, make me one too, please.
Vafrus: heh heh heh heh heh heh
Don: Just, you're gonna make me go all the way over, and just to give you a burrito.
Harmony: Make you? Okay. I love a cheerful giver. Okay.
Don: and I love a burrito that I get to eat by myself.
Tanam: Okay, I'll let you guys work this out, and I'll see you next time.
Vafrus: wohhhh
Harmony: Okayyyyy
Don: See ya next time,
Harmony: byeee Thank you.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Don't say you got no sleep. You're not appreciating my bed that you ruined.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Hey, as long as other people are getting food poisoning, it's fine.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I'm oddly comfortable with it.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: if he's there, we can spy on him, and if he's not, we can ransack his house!
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the DM.
Tanam: I'm trying to convince Calumn that he's being evil.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Rozafeen: Can I spy on him while eating a burrito?
Tanam: Now having just wished burritos into existence in the world...
Rozafeen: Every world has some sort of burrito, yo.
Tanam: Heh heh heh heh, heh heh
Don: I mean, ever since the Intern introduced burritos into this world, carrying them around has been our favorite thing to do.