The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
This is your host, the Intern, who's still trying to figure out
why he's being worshipped as a god.
I know it's been ages since I talked about it, but remember how
I was trying to figure that out?
It might have seemed like I just dropped it, but, ever since I got access to
the chronoscope, I've been using it to try to get to the bottom of that.
Um, from what I've been able to find, there was, like, an official
cult of the Intern, but it has split a bunch over the years.
Different people have different beliefs about how things work, but
it all goes back to this moment a long time ago when, uh, an Intern
dropped a coffee bean on the world.
Because the coffee bean was so big in relation to the world, which like, you
know, fits in a dish, it ended up being mountain sized from their perspective.
It landed on and crushed a sizable area of one of the continents.
All of the world's coffee comes from that mountain now, like,
they don't grow it, they just, like, carve it off the big bean.
So, the things they call coffee beans are really just little chips off the big bean.
Ever since that day when the bean landed on the world, lots
of people have worshipped the Intern as the "Coffee Bringer."
And that's why they rioted when they heard that I was gonna be fired.
But, here's the thing.
It wasn't me that dropped the coffee bean.
The world has been like that since I started my internship, so I guess
it must have been some other intern?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad that the mix up ended up with me
back in the lab, but, like, I mean does this count as stolen valor?
Anyway, we've got an episode.
Everyone is being so helpful.
Hellena and Urekas are trying to help Tagak and Teep, and Georg and
Ruffort are trying to help Beeb.
It's all going fantastic, like it always does.
Tanam: Okay.
So it has been a while.
Vafrus: Yeah.
It's good to see everyone back.
Tanam: Good to see y'all.
Vafrus: We do have everyone, right?
Harmony: Yes.
Hello.
Don: yes.
Rozafeen: Can you hear me this time?
Tanam: Yeah, Yep.
Yep.
Vafrus: Yes, we can.
Good to have you Rozafeen..
Rozafeen: Damn right, I'm here.
Don: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make that sound unexcited.
It's really good to see you, Rozafeen.
It's been a while.
Tanam: So, let's see.
Last time, if I remember correctly, Urekas was inside talking to Tagak and Teep.
And Hellena was outside dumping all of the mirror bags to combine them into
one so that you didn't have to give them all of your mirror bags in order to give
them all of the Sorceress's stuff back.
Rozafeen: And maybe a little bit of ours.
Tanam: And yes, I think we said if you go looking for one of your
things like a, bedroll or flint and tinderbox or something like that,
if it's not a special thing, then 50% chance that it's not there.
Don: Look, as long as you didn't just unload all the rations, we're good.
Rozafeen: Well, we're staying in a swanky hotel.
I think we're good on rations for now.
Don: I mean if we like leave the hotel and go out into the world.
Rozafeen: I'm never leaving the hotel.
Vafrus: You,
Don: this is gonna be one heck of an adventure.
Vafrus: We might not have a choice.
I mean, Ruffort's not really great at, like, planning ahead, but.
We'll see.
Yeah.
Who knows?
Maybe we live there forever.
That sounds like a great plan.
Let's do it.
Rozafeen: I have to get into the head space of my character, who totally sleeps
under the stars, leaning against a tree.
That is not me.
Tanam: So yeah, Hellena was dumping those things.
If I remember correctly, Urekas didn't want her to necessarily give back
all the stuff, and there was a bit of a whispered debate about that.
Which was punctuated by Urekas making bird sounds to like cover up
the fact that they were whispering.
Rozafeen: Oh, I don't remember that little nugget, but, okay.
Tanam: Yeah.
Luckily you didn't wear your bird costume.
Harmony: No, and I'm still wearing the nice dress that I made out of the sheets.
Tanam: Was it the sheets or was it the, the curtains?
I can never remember.
Harmony: It was the sheets.
Keep up.
Rozafeen: So while I was outside, did you tell them that I have some sort of awful
transmissible disease behind my back?
Harmony: Wait, uh, why?
Why would I do that?
Do you have a bird behind your back?
Rozafeen: No.
'cause you were pissed off about me giving them all the stuff.
Harmony: Oh, yeah.
Oh, I just assumed you would come around while dumping them stuff and be
like, "I don't wanna get rid of this."
Rozafeen: Oh, I see.
You're used to people just sort of agreeing with you
Harmony: yeah!
Rozafeen: No matter what they originally thought.
Harmony: uh-huh.
Rozafeen: This is gonna be an adjustment process, this relationship.
Harmony: Adjustment for who?
Rozafeen: I guess Hellena will be adjusting to Urekas not learning.
Vafrus: That was, that was pretty good, Harmony.
So we're, we're supposed to be like solving a mystery, yeah?
Tanam: Well, okay.
Yes, and also, Ruffort and Georg are at Beeb's.
Vafrus: I, like, fled into the marketplace to steal some rivets.
I think.
Tanam: Well, you had gone and gotten rivets.
You said, you came back with a bag of stolen rivets, and got sent
off again to go get some tape.
And in the meantime, Georg has not recognized that the illusion is no longer
on him and has absent mindedly been having a frank conversation with Beeb.
Don: Oh, that's right.
Wait, what have I told Beeb so far?
I can't remember.
Vafrus: Beeb asked you like, why are you hanging out with the rest of us?
And now that I think about it, I don't really know the answer to that.
Don: Yeah, no.
So real answer is that I got roped into all this whole thing by Urekas, now
I'm just sort of along for the ride.
Rozafeen: You probably said something close to that.
Vafrus: I mean that's kind of how the whole world works, right?
Urekas does things and we all just have to hold on tight.
Don: Pretty much.
Harmony: Finally, someone gets it.
Vafrus: Although in the future we gotta do better at burgling guys, giving the
stuff back, plus some of our stuff.
This pattern- we gotta do better next time is all I'm saying, you know that.
Don: Have, uh, have you considered not burgling?
Vafrus: Absolutely not.
How, how are you gonna get people's stuff if you don't burgle it?
Oh, we could threaten people.
I like where you're going with this.
Don: Not where I was going at all.
No, no, no.
Nooo.
Rozafeen: We could kill them and loot the bodies.
Don: Thought we were the the same side.
Rozafeen: Don't worry.
Don't worry.
Only if they're evil.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Don: Yeah.
Okay.
I mean, if they're evil, yeah, we can definitely kill 'em and loot their bodies.
It would be wrong not to.
Vafrus: like, if they don't give us breakfast fast enough.
Don: That's not evil.
Vafrus: Pretty evil, I think.
Alright, Tanam.
We are clearly a herd of cats and needing some direction so what's- give us a
scenario, we don't know what to do next.
Tanam: Okay.
let's start with Hellena coming back inside.
I guess following the seven followers who have now become the followed.
Don: I mean, it sounds really ominous when you say it that way, so I was
kinda waiting for the murder scene and the suspects or something.
Vafrus: "Become the followed."
Tanam: Well, no, just that they're, they're going in the door first.
Don: That is quite possibly the worst use of "the follower becomes the followed"
because whoa, they went out one way and then they go in the other way.
So, you know, they turn around and, yeah, that's how it happens.
I'm just saying, you're dramatic usage.
I, I don't even know what to call it.
The gravitas of the situation did not match the phrasing.
Vafrus: But it was really cool phrasing is the thing
Don: yeah, was really good.
Vafrus: It's good storytelling.
Tanam: Well, thank you.
I think, I'm not sure.
Urekas, all of the followers- does Urekas keep track of individual followers?
Harmony: Yeah, It's more of like, I feel the warmth of the bodies following
me, so when my temperature cools down, that's how I know somebody left.
Don: that's creepy.
Vafrus: Ass warmer, where did you go?
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: That that was upsetting.
Tanam: was just gonna say it was more abstract than I had thought.
Rozafeen: No, actually, it's quite concrete.
Tanam: Well, in, in terms of measurements like it, she doesn't have a list.
She doesn't have a count.
She just has a vague feeling of about how many are there based on the warmth.
Harmony: Yeah, that's why I've been so cold in this house.
But I mean, if all seven are back then yeah, I'm feeling back to normal.
Vafrus: So wait, if got a bunch of hot rocks in your pockets, do you
mistake how many followers there are?
Harmony: Why would you ask that?
Vafrus: Does each hot rock feel like it's, it's more followers to you?
Rozafeen: Who does that?
has a bunch of hot rocks in their pocket?
Don: These are all reasonable questions.
Vafrus: My following has swelled by a at least double lately.
I can't see them all, but they must be there.
Tanam: Point is, the followers are inside now and so is Hellena.
Harmony: Great.
I feel cozy.
Tanam: Thank you; important update.
We should add that to the character sheet.
Harmony: My feelings like, does everybody get my feelings on their character sheet?
Tanam: Oh, everybody gets Urekas's feelings on their character sheet?
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Didn't really know we needed a character sheet for that.
It just sort of came out most of the time.
Rozafeen: How about we just cut to a scene?
We've handed them their bags.
We wanna get the hell out of here.
It has been real, my friends.
Tanam: Okay.
Are you just gonna bolt?
Rozafeen: Well, I think actually they had been talking about maybe going on a trip?
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: And so, do we have a way to keep in touch with them?
Tanam: No, I think they're going Klaoil.
Rozafeen: Do they have a way to get there without being noticed by the birds?
Tanam: Oh.
Vafrus: Are we gonna lose Tagak?
Oh, Tagak's the best character.
This is unacceptable.
Harmony: Oh, and did the birds see us giving back the bags?
Rozafeen: I think we did that on purpose so that the Sorceress would
have an idea of where her stuff was.
Harmony: Okay, great.
Um, can we ask Tagak and Teep to look really happy and really grateful
to us in front of the window?
Tanam: You want to ask them in front of the window, or you want
them to go stand in the front of the window and look grateful.
Harmony: Stand in front the window and look grateful.
Rozafeen: Stand in front of the window, hold up the bags, give us a little hug.
Give the birds a wave.
Vafrus: Do a little pantomime.
Oh, all this stuff is in here?
Ah, I see.
Harmony: They're holding imaginary babies, and we're kissing their foreheads.
Tanam: Okay.
How are you going to try to convince them to do this?
Are you gonna try to explain actually why you want them to do it?
Harmony: I wouldn't say "try," the word "try" kind of implies failure.
I would say.
I tell them to do it and then they do it.
Don: She's got a point.
Tanam: So this is not Deception.
Vafrus: Roll Urekas
Rozafeen: Persuasion, perhaps?
Tanam: Persuasion I think is probably, uh-
Don: Self deception?
Harmony: Excuse me?
Don: What?
I didn't say anything.
Harmony: Okay.
Oh, okay.
I rolled a 16 Persuasion, plus 5.
21.
Tanam: Okay.
Yeah, without much effort, you get them to stand in front of the
window with you, accept the bag, and look extremely happy about it.
The success also got you Tagak opening the shutters; she generally keeps
those shut, because of the birds.
Vafrus: The birds are just solid plastered against the window.
no, light coming in at all.
Tanam: It's just, just, just, it's the bird shutter.
Vafrus: Tagak's like, "yeah, when they started doing this, that's
when I thought something was up."
Rozafeen: It's not even scary.
It's just really awkward.
Tanam: Well, and kind of pointless to have the shutters open.
Okay.
Yes.
The birds have observed the transfer of the bag, and Tagak looked
grateful, as did Teep; I'm assuming that was important to the deal?
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: Okay.
Tagak is like, "Well, um, yeah, I mean, I don't, do you think you
could, uh. Like, if I gave you a, a sign, could you hang it on my shop?"
Harmony: Of course.
Tanam: Tagak starts rummaging through stuff looking for something to write on.
Vafrus: That's smart.
if they had just left like that, I would've been like, "Hey,
look, free house, free shop." "Right by the gambling hall.
gotta worth something, right?"
Harmony: Oh, good point.
We haven't even looked at their sheets yet.
Vafrus: But how's the flooring?
That's the real question.
Tanam: It's a slotted wood floor to collect sand that
gets tracked in from outside.
Don: It's gonna be really hard to make into a dress.
Tanam: You haven't seen Urekas's full skills yet.
Don: we'll see.
I could be wrong.
Rozafeen: I would love to help these two people get to where they're
going with as much cover as possible.
Or if, you know, hiding them for a couple of hours and then an hour after
that the birds are just gonna find them again is a waste of everybody's time.
I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that I can do to help give
them a little bit of cover, throw the birds off their scent for a bit.
Harmony: That's nice of you.
I guess we can close the window shades at this point.
Rozafeen: Well-
Vafrus: Ruffort is, you know, who knows where, but I've still
got the major image spell going.
So-
Rozafeen: Do you?
Vafrus: yeah, yeah.
It lasts for eight hours.
I'm not gonna drop the spell.
Rozafeen: The one person that was supposed to be covered
by this image is not anymore.
Right?
Vafrus: Yeah.
So, you know, it's, it's kind of loose.
It might, you know, I I might be using it for mischief instead.
Tanam: Yeah, you did go steal some rivets, so-
Harmony: Like, I forget what that means.
Like, does that mean you're just hiding the bushes and we can see you?
Tanam: No.
No.
Ruffort and Georg are off with Beeb, by the Hall.
You guys are in the kind of like workers' village a little
bit of ways from the Hall.
Harmony: Yeah.
Or sorry, I, I knew that just I thought, based on Ruffort's comments, I was
like, is Ruffort also spying on us?
Vafrus: no, no, not.
I'm not nearby, nor do I have this information, nor
do you know that about me.
I'm just like, you know, I guess meta knowledge, maybe
that could somehow be helpful.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I don't th- well, I know that Ruffort can do something.
Vafrus: No, yeah, nevermind.
Ruffort is probably not gonna be helpful anyway.
Go ahead.
Rozafeen: I'm sure he'll suggest killing someone and then we'll regroup from there-
Vafrus: Yeah.
So they have to travel what?
Like, like days, weeks, and so-
Tanam: Depends on if the birds are like- the birds are mostly local,
so can probably- well, I don't know.
Hellena and Urekas, give me an Investigation roll.
Rozafeen: Okay, just a moment.
Harmony: Seven.
Rozafeen: Fourteen.
Tanam: The birds are local.
When they get the instruction of finding Tagak, or finding you previously, these
are birds that hang out here, anyway.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Nature roll I got a dirty 20.
Tanam: let's see, nature wise, yeah, I mean these are definitely
like birds from this climate.
These are mostly species of bird that you recognize as not being far travelers.
Rozafeen: Well then I wonder if we can get our friends into some nondescript
clothing and get them an hour or so away.
Then, hopefully the cloaks will take it from there.
Harmony: I like that.
If you wanna dress them, I can distract the birds.
Rozafeen: So I can't cast while I am in my animal form, but I believe
that I can continue to concentrate.
So I'm wondering if I could cast Pass Without a Trace and then turn
into something that could carry them and keep Pass Without a Trace
going, that seems legit, right?
Tanam: Yes.
You're not invisible, right?
Rozafeen: You're not invisible.
You don't leave any tracks and everybody gets a plus 10 to Stealth.
Tanam: Okay.
and we could do it based on your Stealth at that point, if they're like riding
you as a horse or something like that.
Rozafeen: That's true.
My stealth is just okay.
But sure.
Maybe it's better than Tagak's.
Tanam: People could probably help out.
Vafrus: There's only Harmony there.
Do you want to help out Harmony?
Harmony: Obviously, I was on top of it and not looking at my character sheet.
Um, but now that since he asked politely.
Yes, I wanna help, um-
Rozafeen: I picture blending into the background not really being your scene.
Tanam: if you just bust out the door as a horse, with Tagak and Teep on your back-
Rozafeen: if the door is a problem, I have a different
spell that lets me move 30 feet.
Let me see if it lets me take people with me.
Vafrus: I mean, there's two of you
- Rozafeen: I could Reduce them!
I could Reduce them and, and then Pass Without a Trace.
Yes.
Vafrus: This seems very good.
Also, if getting out of the building is the problem, Urekas
can make a distraction, right?
Harmony: Yeah.
I can do a couple things.
I could give you Bardic Inspiration and I can also talk to the birds.
Rozafeen: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
Harmony: Okay.
Rozafeen: I Reduce them.
You and I both go outside so that the birds don't think that
anybody is in this house anymore.
You talk to the birds and distract them, and I go off around a corner
and then I cast Pass Without a Trace on me and the wee ones, and then
turn into whatever's beneficial here, a horse, a camel, whatever.
They're only gonna stay small for a minute.
So you have to distract the birds real good and then hopefully they won't
think to look for this horse slash camel slash whatever it is I'm gonna go for.
And then I give them an hour's journey and then I drop them off.
Harmony: Okay.
Do you want Bardic Inspiration?
Rozafeen: I would love Bardic Inspiration
Harmony: Boom.
Done.
Tanam: What does this actually look like in the room there?
Harmony: I mean, we close the window or, or shades.
The birds aren't seeing us like-
Tanam: I meant more, what do Tagak and Teep see?
Rozafeen: Other than the face- a bird face smooshed against the window.
Harmony: I think they were making out weren't they?.
Rozafeen: That's probably what they do when they get bored yeah.
Vafrus: You start talking shop, and they immediately just like, "Oh
sorry we weren't paying attention. You're gonna do what now?"
Rozafeen: I don't even explain.
Vafrus: Let it be canon.
Tanam: Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Rozafeen: I just look at them and go, "Ugh," and Reduce them.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Tanam: Do they get saving throws?
Rozafeen: Oh, that's a good question.
Tanam: if they're willing, that removes the saving throw, right?
Rozafeen: Unwilling target gets to save.
Tanam: Would you like to let them know that this is what's going to
happen so that they could be willing and you don't lose your spell slot?
Harmony: Oh, maybe should I do it since I have Charisma, et cetera.
Rozafeen: Yeah, if you could yell at them, "Stay little!" I would appreciate it.
Harmony: "Stay little and like it." I have Intimidation five.
Tanam: Okay.
So here's the deal.
You can either let them know beforehand that this is going to happen so that
they can not resist it, or you can try to Intimidate them into staying
small after the fact, possibly failing.
And then they'll roll saving throws.
Vafrus: Also they have to roll for if they like it.
Don: And as we know, uh, Intimidation is the best way to
ensure that someone likes something.
Rozafeen: I think that me getting frustrated and just
Reducing them is funny.
And I think afterward I can say like, "This is part of your disguise.
Stay little." And then maybe Harmony can, you know, follow up on that
with "stay little and like it," and it can be like a wraparound.
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: And then Tagak breaks out, but Teep doesn't, and then
they discover a whole new world of exciting things they can do.
Rozafeen: Okay, so I go, "Ugh," I cast Reduce.
And I'm like, "This is part of your disguise. We're gonna get
you outta here. Stay little."
Harmony: "And like it."
Tanam: Urekas can pick a skill that that is relevant and explain why it's relevant.
Harmony: Like, Persuasion?
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: And it's relevant because it's my voice.
15.
Vafrus: Did you say 50?
Harmony: Fifteen!
Vafrus: Like, I know, I know Urekas is pretty good.
I gotta- that's why I rammed my head against the door.
I- it all makes sense now.
Okay.
Tanam: We'll say that works.
So they will not try to save against it.
They're each a hand tall, I'll say.
' Vafrus: Put em both in the same pocket and go.
Rozafeen: Excellent.
They can make out in my pocket.
I'm gonna walk outside, wave at the birds, and then get myself behind some other
little hut from Tagak's neighborhood.
Harmony: I am going to go outside and go, "Hey birds. I am just so happy that
you're here and I have your attention. I just wanted to ask, are you happy?"
Tanam: Okay, give me a Performance roll.
Harmony: 21.
Tanam: Oh my gosh.
You are rolling good today.
You walk out at the same time, and you attract all of the bird's attention,
Urekas and sit down for a conversation about their direciton in life.
Vafrus: They start telling you about their problems.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: One had a recent breakup.
That one can't find enough twigs for their nest.
Tanam: And, and we'll say that your speak to animals is still going, even
if it wouldn't be, because this is good.
Vafrus: Ooh.
Or it's not, but, so she doesn't- she can't understand the birds.
She just is letting them talk and, and doesn't really care they have to say.
Harmony: So they're just making bird sounds.
I'm just smiling and nodding, looking compassionate.
Vafrus: Yeah, you make, you make sympathetic noises every now and then.
"Oh, really? Hmm."
Rozafeen: That's funny, but her actually hearing all about how like their siblings
don't treat them fairly is funnier.
Okay, so I'm crouching behind this hut.
Tanam: Okay.
So you went behind one of the other ones.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Tanam: And put and put it between yourself and the birds.
Rozafeen: Right.
And then I'm gonna cast uh, Pass Without a Trace on me and the two
love birds and of course Justice.
I'm gonna pull 'em outta my pocket and I'm gonna say, "Okay, I'm gonna
give you guys a ride that is an hour by a faster creature's foot.
And then-" wait a minute, pause.
Were they already carrying their stuff?
Tanam: You had handed them the bags...
Rozafeen: Right, but did they pack like toothbrushes and whatever?
Vafrus: We'll send it in the mail.
Harmony: Maybe the what if the pH balance of their mouths and teeth are so perfect,
they don't need to brush their teeth?
Tanam: Okay.
Uh, we'll say that they were holding their bags as well.
Vafrus: Yeah, they were packed.
They have their bags, but they're still asking if they can go back.
"Oh, I forgot. Oh, can we...?"
Rozafeen: Like, okay, this is your one chance to get away from the birds.
I'm gonna take you an hour ride from here.
"Oh, but I want my-" "Shhh!"
Tanam: I mean at this point you can't Reduce it, unless you
wanna use another spell slot, so.
Rozafeen: Yeah, so off we go.
Vafrus: Oh man.
Just had this image of like this tiny Tagak walking down a dusty road with,
you know, a, her full body sized toothbrush, like slung over her shoulder.
Rozafeen: I think the change from being mouse-sized to being normal-sized
while they're riding on me is also going to be a bit of an adventure.
Tanam: Okay.
I am gonna ask for one more Stealth roll from Hellena.
You've got your bardic Inspiration if you need it.
Vafrus: And Pass Without a Trace, right?
Rozafeen: Okay, cool.
Well, that is, let's see, 14 plus three plus five.
So 22 plus 10... 32 for stealth.
Tanam: intern's teeth.
You don't even know where you are.
Rozafeen: I can't see mah hooves!
Tanam: So you sneak on out, probably heading south, I would guess,
heading down to the Bridgelands.
Vafrus: She'll go where a 32 takes her.
Tanam: Yeah I guess she can go wherever she wants at this point.
Vafrus: You tunnel into the earth.
Rozafeen: You know, in a different game, I had a character that do that.
It was so fun!
Tanam: Yeah, so maybe just at an angle out across the desert.
cuz that's the fastest route, and you are feeling extremely untrackable.
Vafrus: Pass Without a Trace means you don't leave a trail behind you.
If you were literally tunneling, that would be very interesting.
Alright, continue.
Tanam: Okay.
And I think we'll leave that scene there with you riding off into the desert.
Vafrus: Can we say Urekas collects four bird followers?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: We really need a recruitment stat for Urekas as well.
You had like a 21 on your Performance, right?
Harmony: Oh, uh, yes.
Tanam: Okay.
uh, three.
So three of the birds have decided to join the local cult.
Harmony: I feel warmer already.
Vafrus: If the Sorceress gets mad, you can just leave behind one of your other
followers and they can like hang out in trees and stuff and ... as a trade.
Don: Wait, actually, how does the birds being in the cult
interact with the Sorceress?
The.
Controlling, uh, I don't know if that's the right word?
Vafrus: I think they're just normal birds that, like, the Sorceress can cast a
spell to see through their eyes and, and like tell them where to look and stuff.
Tanam: Basically.
Yeah.
Vafrus: So, the Sorceress can still cast that spell.
Tanam: I guess the question is, do you tell them where the
local secret cult hangout is?
Harmony: I mean, they see me and there's a sense of familiarity between me and the
Sorceress since I am wearing her sheets.
Tanam: No.
No, no.
I mean, do you tell the birds where the secret club is?
Harmony: Oh.
Tanam: so that they can go, or are they like provisional
members or something like that?
Harmony: At this stage?
Um, no.
I'm more comfortable if they just hang around me.
Vafrus: They gotta work their way up little bit.
Tanam: Okay.
Before they- they learn where the secret hideout is.
Harmony: Yeah.
Vafrus: Some of the other followers are also on that track.
They're, you know, any day now.
Harmony: Every journey is individual and there's no right or wrong.
There's no fast or slow.
Vafrus: Depending on how often the Sorceress spies on you, now the
Sorceress is maybe on that journey.
Harmony: I hope so.
Vafrus: You can use that Enthralling Story or whatever power you have to like, just
hold her attention for hours and then every time she looks through the birds at
you, she's like, oh, that happened again.
Yeah, Urekas!
Harmony: You know, maybe that's what it takes.
If it's easier for her to connect with me via bird, then I would love
another opportunity to connect.
Yeah.
Don: You just want the Sorceress to be a member of your cult.
Harmony: Okay.
You keep saying the word "cult" and I like to say club.
Rozafeen: You expect a level of devotion that surpasses most clubs.
Vafrus: It is a, it's a really good club.
Harmony: It is, it's very exclusive and it's very clean.
Don: It's a club like, "Join my cult or I'll club you."
Harmony: I mean, you know what?
There are rumors, but you have to be a member to know what's going on.
Don: Uh-huh.
Like a cult.
I mean a club.
It's just a club.
Hey, I don't know anything.
I'll back off.
Normal club.
Please don't hurt me.
Rozafeen: So are we gonna try to flash to the other group
or are we gonna call it early?
Vafrus: Hellena rides into dust and is like finally alone again
for a while, and it's like, "oh, this is actually really nice."
Tanam: And then there's the sound of tiny Tagak and Teep making out in your pocket.
Or not in your or not I guess on your back?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like your back, you, you like dump them off.
You're like, "Okay, you guys gotta walk from here." And then you're by yourself
and you're like, oh, this is really nice.
And you're like, "wait a minute. Urekas still owes me money. Dammit."
Rozafeen: I don't have to go back.
Oh, I do.
Let's say back at the hotel.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: Okay.
So, Georg and Ruffort are at Beeb's, and Ruffort has run off for another thing.
What we could say is that Georg finishes up and never realized that the
illusion is gone, and just kind of heads off back into town to find Ruffort.
Don: Does that really make any sense, though?
Didn't I send Ruffort off for particular components needed to fix the place?
Tanam: Hmm.
It could be that it turns out that he doesn't need it after all.
He sent him off with the rivets, he came back with rivets, and then
he asked him to go get more stuff.
Don: That sounds like him.
Tanam: And then it could be that he's like, "Eh, I don't
actually need this more stuff."
Don: I just wanted him out.
Tanam: yeah.
Don: Like, gone for a few seconds.
G- give me a breath of fresh air here.
Vafrus: This is the perfect opportunity to ditch Ruffort forever.
Don: Not forever.
Tanam: Well, and he knows where the, he knows where the hotel is.
Vafrus: He knows where the ho- but he doesn't know where any of the party is.
Could be I just come back to Beeb and I'm like, " Welp, it's not it's what neither
of us wanted, but now we're a party.
Sorry, Beeb."
Don: The whole rest of the party went out and never came back.
Vafrus: I'm just as disappointed as you are, but, uh, pack up your stuff,
we're gonna go on an adventure.
Don: That sounds like the worst adventure.
Beebs is like, "All I wanted to do was run a restaurant."
Oh wait, that sounds like me.
All I ever wanted to do was run a coffee joint.
Vafrus: So, sorry to break it to you, Georg.
Have you ever heard of the hireling?
Don: Um, I don't know if I like the direction this is going.
Vafrus: We got a lot of stuff we need you to carry.
Anyway, will you go into this dungeon first to see how safe it is?
It does make sense now why you would be wearing so much armor, though.
Probably hirelings would last longer if they wore, like, similar suits of armor.
Don: Yeah, it'd be great if they got paid to wear that armor.
Vafrus: Hey, nobody has been working harder than me to try to
make sure this group gets paid.
Don: You know what?
That's the one statement that you've said in the last many
hours that I've agreed with.
Harmony: I was gonna say that's the one statement he said this
whole time that's been honest.
Don: You might also be right.
The point is, is I didn't really need those rivets.
Um, I was, I was just getting you out of the way so I could fix up this
shop so I could get some breakfast.
Tanam: Yeah, after your weird but heart to heart conversation, Beeb gives you some
tasty breakfast and sends you on your way?
Don: Yeah, that sounds great.
I mean, I will have to wait for Ruffort to actually come back, though.
We're not really ditching Ruffort.
I'm gonna absolutely pocket those rivets.
They're gonna be really useful later.
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: Note that on your character sheet.
And this one can have a check by it, which means that it isn't in the set
of equipment that might not be there.
Vafrus: These are in the "still present" pile.
Don: right, I forgot half our equipment is garbage.
I mean, uh... May or may not be in existence at all.
Tanam: Well, it's in existence, it's just somewhere else.
Don: Uh.
Vafrus: So I get back and I'm now convinced that you somehow
used those rivets to cleverly escape the situation with Beeb.
Very impressed.
Don: You know, I kind of did, I guess.
Vafrus: Somehow the inventor created a " get out of the Beeb situation" machine.
I don't, know.
Don: It's called a loophole.
It's made with wire and rivets.
I'm definitely using this technique again.
Vafrus: Oh my goodness.
That would be such powerful magical item.
"Welp, sorry, your majesty, I can't fulfill the contract. You see,
there's a loophole; I made it, it's right here." Set on the table.
"Yeah. It doesn't apply." Everyone just nods in agreement.
"Yep."
Tanam: Yeah, because it's obvious on its face, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Don: It's pretty clearly right there on the table, how could you miss it?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: I'm just gonna note this down as an ability.
Vafrus: Please, DM, please let it be real.
Tanam: Let's talk next time, uh, you level up.
Don: I don't think it's working.
Vafrus: Use your loophole power on the DM, that'll, that'll convince him.
Don: Ahh no.
I've got a crowbar for that.
Tanam: Okay, then moving on.
The plan was that Urekas would distract the birds and then head back to the hotel.
And Hellena would leave the lovebirds on their trail down to their honeymoon
and then come back once the Pass Without a Trace was starting to wear off.
Rozafeen: Just to be clear, they didn't actually get married, right?
Tanam: I mean, you don't know what they did while you were gone.
You have some ideas...
Vafrus: We're pretty sure.
Rozafeen: They like... lassoed a cleric and said, 'marry us right this second."
Vafrus: Those, those have not like... demonstrated their, uh, great ability to
like plan ahead and make things official.
If they got married, it was by accident.
Don: Wait, by accident?
No, no, no, no, no, this was a hundred percent "planned."
Harmony: I can marry them right now.
Don: I think they already got to, like, a Knight Flute impersonator.
Great Knight Flute impersonator, that is.
Vafrus: We need to chase them down so that we can marry them, is what I'm hearing.
Don: I don't know if they love us like that.
Vafrus: And we got to make Beebs come with us.
Harmony: about say.
Don: down with this one.
Beebs makes great breakfast.
Vafrus: Is it, it's Beeb, right?
It's not Beebs.
Don: Oh, you're right, it is Beeb.
I keep saying Beebs.
Tanam: I thought it was just your cute nickname.
Don: Right?
Vafrus: "Beebs" feels better.
I kinda like "Beebs."
Harmony: Yeah, Beebs is our cute nickname for Beeb.
He loves it.
Don: Does he?
Tanam: I'm sure he does.
Don: I think the only thing Beebs- The only thing Beebs has ever
loved about us is when we've left.
Vafrus: Yeah, you know, you know how you have that friend who always calls
you by the wrong name and you love it?
Harmony: Someone you barely know who's just made up a nickname.
Vafrus: This, this is great.
Alright, so what are we really doing with our lives?
Isn't there a mystery we're supposed to solve?
Tanam: so the point that I was trying make was that Urekas was going to distract
the birds and head back to the hotel.
Last you heard, Georg and Ruffort, I don't know that you guys made
a great plan for what to do after you dealt with the Beeb situation.
Don: I- that's just hurtful.
Tanam: But I think going back to the hotel room is maybe a sensible approach.
Harmony: Well, I'm kind of tired, but I did gain three birds as followers.
Can I send one of the birds over to Georg to make me some coffee?
Rozafeen: does Georg speak bird?
Don: Yeah, Georg is gonna need some serious education.
Harmony: Well the bird can pantomime, right, by taking beans
and putting them in the proper cups.
Don: Can I ask for a Performance roll, I guess?
From the bird, obviously.
Because, Urekas would just knock it out and somehow pantomime
that she wanted coffee.
Vafrus: She would just smile at you and you would know, because
it's what she always wants.
Harmony: Well, then okay, but then I give Bardic Inspiration.
Don: I love it.
Give the bird Bardic Inspiration.
No, this'll work great.
Whoa, wait, wait, Birdic Inspiration?
Hey?
Rozafeen: Nope.
Vafrus: That cancels it out.
Now it's just a normal roll.
Tanam: Do you want to maybe give it a note or something and just-
Vafrus: No, this plan perfect as is.
Rozafeen: the bird could land on coffee.
Don: that's fair.
Georg's got multiple coffee cups strapped across his chest.
Tanam: It's true, but the birds up to this point have been a thing
that they've been hiding from.
Don: Oh, that would be awkward.
Yeah, I know, Georg wouldn't be super excited.
Although he does think he's still very much disguised.
Tanam: I think he's just not even thinking about it anymore,
I think is what's going on.
Don: No, yeah, that's probably true.
No, he probably isn't thinking very hard at all.
Is standard for Georg.
Harmony: Well, we could make it obvious, through the bird pantomiming, like, if
I gave the bird a piece of my jewelry, then the bird puts that jewelry into
a coffee mug, and then pecks at the coffee beans and puts those in the
coffee mug, then maybe Georg would understand this is coffee for Urekas?
Vafrus: if the bird can't communicate, eventually it'll just give up and
try to make the coffee itself.
You
Tanam: yeah, so, I think, Urekas, can you make a Persuasion?
Or, I don't know, Charisma?
Performance, maybe, for just trying to communicate something to the bird?
Harmony: I would love Performance because I have a plus 10 and I just rolled a 1.
Vafrus: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Tanam: Yeah.
Regardless, if you've rolled a one.
Okay, the bird nods and flies off.
Harmony: but I- Bardic Inspiration.
Vafrus: It just flies off so inspired.
Tanam: yeah the, Bardic Inspiration is on the bird, not on you.
Vafrus: like, yes, I do want some coffee.
Thank
Don: is, uh, this is her communicating to the bird what she wants, and then the
bird is gonna try to pantomime to me, assuming the bird realizes it's me, and
not, like, doesn't think it's supposed to go back to the Sorceress or something.
What the bird wants.
Harmony: actually, I changed my mind, I want a mocha, can I send another bird?
Don: No, no, no, no, no, like, you don't realize how bad you
did, I think you did great.
Vafrus: You gave it a really complicated coffee order is what you did.
Don: Yes.
Tanam: Excellent.
Vafrus: did.
Plus like a backup order if that one's unavailable for some reason.
Tanam: And the bird just nodded and flew off.
Harmony: Sweet.
Tanam: Okay, we will, uh, hear more about that later.
I'm going to say that, Hellena's return is uneventful.
so Urekas, you're back at the hotel, and that's where you
were having your hankering?
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Tanam: Okay.
so you're all heading back to Georg's room.
Vafrus: Yes.
Always Georg's room.
Tanam: Ha ha
Don: For some... reason.
Vafrus: haven't even been in mine for a while, who knows what's in there.
Can't be trusted.
Tanam: okay, so by the most amazing coincidence, Hellena,
and Ruffort and Georg all show up at the hotel at the same time,
Vafrus: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Don: Okay, Urekas?
Harmony: Yes?
Don: You have a room key?
Harmony: To which room?
Don: I don't know, yours, presumably, unless you have other ones.
Harmony: I'll open my door for you.
Sure.
Don: Thats... not the same.
Fine.
Georg goes into Urekas's room, lays down on the bed, in his armor.
And attempts to take a nap.
Harmony: I think you're forgetting something.
Don: Forgetting what?
Harmony: A coffee?
Don: What coffee?
Harmony: The coffee that the birds asked you for?
To make me?
Don: Um, Tanam, I never encountered a bird, right?
Tanam: Nope.
Don: K. What bird?
What coffee?
Uhhh.
Harmony: Wow.
Uh, can you make me some coffee?
I'm devastated.
Don: Can you roll to wake me up?
Harmony: Okay
Don: Fine.
Fine.
Ugh.
Coffee.
And I very sleepily and try not to move very much.
Harmony: Oh my god, I rolled another one.
Don: Make Urekas a cup of acid.
Tanam: Yeah, Urekas tries to help and I think gets sprayed?
Harmony: Oh no, not on my dress!
Vafrus: On the bed, on your, you have the bed in your-
Tanam: Yeah, on the bed, on the dress.
Harmony: No!
Don: You really should not pull any levers.
You know, I keep telling Ruffort this.
Do not pull any levers.
This one's grease, sometimes, when I set it to grease mode.
Other times, it's spray scalding coffee.
Other times, it's spray acid.
You don't know what's coming out of any given lever.
You don't know what any lever does.
Stop pulling them.
Harmony: I just wanted to be awake.
adventure-
Don: Are you awake?
Harmony: yes?
Don: Good.
Vafrus: You're gonna go back to sleep in the grease puddle.
Don: Georg attempts to go back to sleep in the spilled coffee.
Harmony: I am batting my eyelashes at you so hard, it's creating wind on your face.
Don: Then Georg rolls out of the bed, dripping coffee on the floor,
makes a proper cup of coffee in the corner, looking over his shoulder
every time that Urekas tries to get close, which I assume is often.
Harmony: well, I'm gonna call room service to help clean this up.
Don: Room service is gonna hate us so much.
Tanam: Not to mention that they're going to get in the way of Georg napping.
Harmony: Oh, that's fine.
Don: Is it?
Uh, anyway, Georg makes the best cup of coffee that he feels he is
able to in his current condition.
Harmony: Thank you.
Tanam: Are you following through on your threat to call room service, Urekas?
Harmony: No.
Don: Okay.
I lay back down on the bed, back in the puddle of coffee,
and fall asleep if possible.
Tanam: You are snoring in, like, 12 seconds.
Don: Perfect.
This is what I wanted.
Vafrus: So while that's going on, I'm gonna have a little conference
with Rozafeen in which I explained what happened on our end, but like
filtered through Ruffort's eyes.
Of course I'm gonna gloss over all the times that I did anything dumb.
Rozafeen: so I'm gonna get, like, a five second update?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, basically we went out, we didn't kill anyone, and the
thing with Beebs is good because of this great machine that Georg invented.
Rozafeen: is Georg in the room with me, or is he on some other
bed lying down, not making coffee?
Don: No, no-
Tanam: This is in Urekas's-
Vafrus: Yeah, we're Georg's room, Georg's in Urekas's room,
spraying coffee and oil everywhere.
Don: When you put it that way, sounds worse.
Harmony: Yeah, Georg is just lying in his own filth.
Don: That's exactly what Georg is doing.
Rozafeen: Okay, well, I hear Ruffort's summary and I say, "Sounds great,
I believe 100 percent of that."
Vafrus: Perfect lie once again.
My ability to detect lies is much worse than my ability to make them.
So I believe you that you believe me.
So... There was a mystery we were supposed to solve, right?
somebody sent the spiders, and as much as I'm like 99 percent sure it
the Sorceress, maybe we should check out the possibility that it wasn't?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I feel like we should talk to pretty much anyone else.
Vafrus: So, okay, help me remember all of our suspects.
There's a Captain, there's the Second,
Rozafeen: Mhm.
Vafrus: Those are all the people I can remember.
Rozafeen: There's a head of, the whole area, there's a crier
basically in the Gambling Hall, there's the Mindlord, he's fun.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, the fun Mindlord.
Tanam: Urekas has a date coming up.
Harmony: Oh my, that's tonight, I'm gonna take a shower.
Tanam: In Georg's room?
Harmony: Yeah, no, no, no, Georg is in my room, I have a bathroom.
Tanam: okay.
Rozafeen: With a door!
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: okay, so you're showering.
interrupt, good, continue.
You were listing people.
Rozafeen: Beeb is the only person I remember from the market, I remember
we bought some things, but I don't remember any standout characters.
Vafrus: Okay.
Rozafeen: We could try tailing the Second for a while, but I feel like his
antics are more interesting at night.
I think that when nightfall comes, we should follow the Second around and see
if he does a weird impersonation again.
Do you remember how bad his voice was?
It was pretty bad.
Vafrus: No, I don't remember, but I'm going to pretend that I do because
I'd never want to seem like I don't know what you're talking about.
"Ah, yes.
Oh yes.
Yeah.
His voice and impression was really bad."
Rozafeen: The other thing I really want to do is figure out a time that the
Mindlord is definitely not in town, so that we can go explore that trap
door that I totally didn't trip over.
Vafrus: Can we just get Urekas to distract him?
She did so well last time.
Rozafeen: I have Pass Without a Trace, so I could get us there without
a Stealth check problem, but the Mindlord detects thoughts, right?
Vafrus: We're currently making this plan and Urekas isn't in the room, so
she doesn't even need to know about it.
Rozafeen: Wait, what?
Vafrus: what if, what if we send Urekas to distract the Mindlord, not knowing
about the plan that we're making about right now, and while she's on her
date, we go check out the trap door?
But somehow we have to convince her to take him, like, physically away from
the trapdoor because last time they had the date at his house, which is weird.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I guess if he definitely was out on a date with her, that
would mean that he wasn't there.
That's true.
Okay, we should talk s- hmm- I see what you're saying, though.
You don't want it in her head that we're going to be there.
Well-
Vafrus: We could come up with an elaborate lie about why she
needs to take him somewhere else.
This is going to be so fun.
What could go wrong?
Alright.
Rozafeen: Ruffort.
Are you going to remember the elaborate lie?
Vafrus: Oh, give me a second.
I'm trying to come up with something.
Why?
Because, like... Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe it'll happen to be somewhere else.
Let's see how that goes.
Rozafeen: Okay, I think we should go barge in on her and Georg now.
He's had three, four minutes for a nap.
He should be done.
Don: worst nap of life.
Rozafeen: I doubt that.
Don: I snore in character.
Vafrus: go in.
Tanam: well, the door is locked, don't have a key.
Vafrus: we'll just happen to arrive at the same moment as the room service.
We're allowed to declare coincidences, right?
Oh wait, but you didn't actually order room service, nevermind.
Harmony: Unless I lied to the DM, and I did.
Tanam: Best of luck with that.
Harmony: Sorry, I'm in the shower.
Rozafeen: Justice is going to start doing that cat thing where she puts
her paw on the door handle and it goes,
until it's so annoying that Georg opens the door.
Don: Okay, based on Georg's Perception roll, Georg wakes
up unfortunately quickly.
And Georg does not look happy, but kind of crouches down for Justice and is like,
oh, "who's a good kitty? Did you want some coffee grounds? Is that what happened?"
Rozafeen: She does a cat rub against your legs, and I walk right past the
both of you having this special moment.
Don: I kind of like, look past them like, ah, dammit.
And then I out some coffee grounds, like I have like a little hand grinder
that I like grind some coffee grounds on the hotel floor for Justice.
Rozafeen: I say, "It's been at least two hours since I've eaten
anything, and I feel like stalking somebody. How about y'all?"
Don: Oh, leave Beebs alone, why are you people so mean?
Look, Beebs is a breakfast person.
Rozafeen: I mean, I didn't actually say Beeb's name, so maybe you should
look at your own stalking tendencies.
Don: Okay, yeah, I know you've got some points.
Who did you want to stalk for food at weird hours?
Rozafeen: it's not that weird of an hour yet, right?
Tanam: It's getting close to lunchtime.
Rozafeen: I was making separate points.
A, I want lunch- or third breakfast, or whatever we want to call it- and B, I
think there should be some harassment in our life that somehow involves the Second.
Who's with me?
Don: He was kind of suspicious.
Rozafeen: It's a very, very shady character.
Don: Doesn't Urekas have a thing, though?
Rozafeen: Does she?
Harmony: Alright, I'm coming out of the shower.
I can't help but have overheard you.
" I can help, and I can just have my followers do my makeup for me
while we're doing this adventure."
Vafrus: And two birds.
Don: Very impressive.
Harmony: Yeah, so like we're walking down the halls and they're, you know,
putting on my primer, my foundation, my eyelashes, etc. The birds are helping
me too, they're making this really cool, interesting feathered eyebrow thing.
Yeah, and then-
Don: Eyebrow?
Really?
Harmony: Wait, why not?
Rozafeen: I am so fascinated by what I'm watching that I forgot what I
was trying to get the group to do.
Harmony: They're really cute because they show off the arches of the brow,
but the feathers are very delicate, like they look nice, and they're fresh.
Rozafeen: Well, you wouldn't want old, skanky feathers.
Harmony: Mm mm.
Don: Old Skanky Feathers is a great name for a bird.
Which one of them's Old Skanky Feathers?
Tanam: Remember, they're followers now.
Now they don't have names.
Don: Oh, wait, horrible.
Why do we dehumanize, de-
Tanam: The birds?
Don: We... de- burdenize, uh,
Harmony: you, think it's an improvement to call one of the birds Old Skanky Feathers?
I'd rather be nameless.
Don: You know, no, I do think it's an improvement; at least it has a name.
Anyway, uh, yeah, no, we should follow around the Second fellow.
Harmony: Yep, and then, we're in.
Don: Well, you're in a date.
Rozafeen: Are you just gonna hang around in his pad again, or are
you guys gonna go get a life?
Vafrus: Oooh, pretty good.
Harmony: Yeah, I was kind of interested in his bathroom.
Yeah, I was thinking we were gonna meet at his house and just see where things go.
Rozafeen: Where things go in the bathroom.
Harmony: I
Don: bathroom, really, but we can't even make it into the bedroom?
Tanam: You have to go through the bedroom to get to the bathroom.
Harmony: The parts of the bathroom that you can access are really nice.
Don: Nope, this is weird.
You know, I bet there's some really nice shows going on.
It is the Great Gambling Hall.
Harmony: Ohh.
You think I should invite him here?
Don: That's an option.
Not an option I at all suggested, but sure, fine.
You are really dead set on... a bedroom or bathroom encounter.
Tanam: Did you mean that or did you mean there might be a show at the hotel?
Harmony: I was not thinking the show would take place inside the bathroom.
I don't know what kind of shows you've been watching.
Rozafeen: definitely not gonna watch you use the bathroom with the Mindlord.
Harmony: No, we're not at that level.
It's-
Rozafeen: I need to go on at least three dates with a guy before I let someone
else watch me use the bathroom with him.
Harmony: No, no, I I agree.
I I I never am willing to watch- No, Um, this a second date.
I was thinking of having him watch a show here.
I thought that's what you were suggesting.
But I feel like I've just learned a lot about you.
Tanam: There's,
there is a theater, a small theater at the hotel, we'll say there's a show going on.
Don: it's a Great Gambling Hall.
You'd expect all over town there be performers of all kinds, crazy circuses.
Rozafeen: Bad comedian, some guy with a whip.
Don: Almost certainly.
Tanam: So, out along the hour walk down to the Bridgelands, it is a constant
party zone; there's all kinds of ad hoc stuff down in that direction.
But in terms of a thing that you can be sure is going to actually happen
at a certain time, the theater at the hotel is probably the best bet.
Harmony: Okay.
Well, I'm supposed to meet with the Mindlord; I do not trust the birds
to send them to ask him to come here, so I could go to his house and say,
"hey, do you want to catch a show?"
Don: I'm sorry, trust the birds?
Harmony: No, no, I don't trust the birds.
Don: No, no, no, like the Sorceress's birds?
Harmony: I mean, no, no, my birds, my followers.
I have three birds.
Vafrus: of which we can currently see two.
Rozafeen: It's Urekas, she has some converts.
Don: Yeah, I know, I can see birds now.
I thought that was a hallucination brought on by too little freakin sleep.
Harmony: Wait, so you saw the birds and you ignored them?
Don: Don't you?
Harmony: No, no, those are my birds and they were- we'll talk.
okay, so I will go to the Mindlord's house and have him come watch a show here.
You think that's a good idea?
Oh, it'd be nice because we can take a romantic walk back to here.
Vafrus: Yeah, who's gonna say no when Urekas is like, hey, how
about we go back to my place?
Harmony: Ah-
Rozafeen: Exactly, and you know, after the show, if he wants to take
you back to his bathroom, whatever.
Harmony: Okay, you know, I think I do call room service to clean my place
while we're on this date, just in case.
Tanam: Mmm.
Harmony: No?
Tanam: No, no, no, no, no, I was, I was like, uh, "that's a good idea."
Don: That's definitely a good idea, there is a lot of coffee
and a little acid on your floor.
Tanam: I mean, if you want bring it up, I'm sure that Ruffort
will gladly Prestidigitate it.
Harmony: Oh, yeah.
Ruffort, would you?
Vafrus: Am I doing the room or the person?
Tanam: Urekas took a shower.
Rozafeen: The room and Old Skanky Feathers.
Vafrus: Here's the thing, every casting can do a square foot and I
will soon explode from casting, so I absolutely will clean this room,
and we should just see what happens.
Don: "I will absolutely clean this room and possibly explode this room."
Rozafeen: Wait, doesn't Georg have Prestidigitation?
Tanam: Yeah, Georg has Prestidigitation, things that he can do, but, but
that isn't nearly as exciting as Ruffort doing more magic.
Don: Yeah, actually, Georg has, uh, not Presidigitation bots.
Uh, Georg's bots are more, in the form of Mending.
Tanam: Oh, I see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don: It's not broken, just really, really dirty.
Tanam: Yeah.
I'll say that you can do one Prestidigitate for the bed.
It's a contiguous thing going-
Vafrus: first one I rolled, we're good.
I feel so proud of myself that I'm helping clean up a mess with my
friends that I didn't even make.
I cast it again.
Tanam: Wait, again?
Vafrus: that's for the bed, right?
There's, the whole room got splattered.
Tanam: Go ahead and mark it down.
Vafrus: It's marked.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Alright.
Yeah.
I'm so helpful.
Look at me.
And also feeling really good about how the date suggestion went.
My next idea was that we would have to make some like really bad stinky
thing in the area and then that they would leave for that reason.
This is much better.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: I have three birds.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: I didn't mean to make that sound unexcited.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: did you tell them that I have some sort of awful
transmissible disease behind my back?
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Although in the future we gotta do better at burgling, guys.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of
roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Thank you.
Important update.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: I guess we also should come up with a way to measure distances.
Tanam: I've been doing long distances in terms of hours of travel.
Vafrus: We can stick with that.
Don: I think we should use an anything but actual measurement
system measure it in like, you know, Urekas-es per inch or something,
Tanam: well,
Don: of
Tanam: so.
Vafrus: There's a giant coffee bean in the world that has a size.
It feels like that would be-
Don: Oh yeah.
Measure it in beans.
Vafrus: and there's like people who are upset because the coffee bean is also
being mined and they're like, does that mean it changes how long a bean is?
Don: No, obviously a bean is a standard unit of measurement.
But also it depends on the orientation of the bean because a bean is a
unit of measurement, but there's a bean width and a bean length.
And a bean depth.
Vafrus: The two continents can't agree on how long a standard bean is.
Tanam: This is all excellent.