The Intern: Hi everyone, it's me, the Intern, and this is
Coffee Cults and Empires.
So last time, Rufort and Urekas broke into Beeb's immediately after getting
back from the desert, which, with Ruffort and Urekas, I know I'm not surprised.
But, what I really want to talk about is Harmony and Don?
I knew they sounded like they were dating.
Or like, really like they've been married for a thousand years.
That must have been a bad breakup though, right?
Oh, I can't wait for Harmony to bring the excerpt from her book.
Unfortunately, she doesn't have it in this episode.
Maybe next time.
I think I'm gonna use the chronoscope to, uh, have a look at what went
on during that fateful first date.
Not like that, you sickos.
Just want to see what they were like when they were young and fallin' in wuv.
The chronoscope can be a little finicky, so sometimes it's hard to
track individual people with it, so I don't know how much I'll be able to see.
Not like that.
Anyway, I'll give it a try.
In the meantime, episode!
Like I said, Urekas and Ruffort have, um, made their way into Beeb's shop on a date
that Ruffort is extremely excited about.
Urekas has to maintain concentration to keep the Sorceress at bay.
And Tanam has promised that Ruffort is going to have some weird
consequences from hoarding hot rocks.
I'm sure that everything will be fine.
Rozafeen: Hello!
Harmony: Hey.
Tanam: Hey.
Rozafeen: That is the most chipper I have ever sounded, I think.
Tanam: How's everybody doing?
Rozafeen: That's boring.
Did you bring it?
Harmony: Okay.
I wanted to bring it.
I lent it to my neighbor.
She's dating someone Don-esque.
I'll bring it next time
Don: Um,
Rozafeen: Was that your last copy?
Where are all the rest of your copies?
Harmony: I sold them.
It's a popular book.
Don: She's self-published.
There's only one copy.
Rozafeen: I don't believe that.
Tanam: There is absolutely more than one copy.
Don: Fine.
There's more than one copy.
It's really popular.
Why!?
Rozafeen: You need to buy one, sir.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Don: No, I'm pretty sure I was the subject of the book; I
would know everything in there.
Rozafeen: Buy it.
Buy it.
Harmony: Buy it.
Don: Oh, wow.
Look at the time.
Uh, oh.
Tanam!
How were we doing last time?
Tanam: I, let's see.
okay.
I think last time we were breaking and entering?
Don: All right.
Got some good B and E going on?
Yeah.
Tanam: Oh, that's right.
You have this amazing focus, and you have snapped out of the
double bad situation, at least in terms of freaking out about it.
Harmony: Exactly.
I mean, I'm feeling embarrassed that I was even hyperventilating in the first place
when I have a real problem, and now I'm feeling like, um, this party needs a hero.
Vafrus: Yeah, And so there's suddenly waffles!
Or something like it.
Tanam: There is a plate of rice waffles.
Vafrus: So the way I think it should work is that you put it in your mouth,
and like, your mouth kind of puckers from the salt, but you don't taste it.
Like, it tastes like, you know, whatever Ruffort imagined
waffles should taste like.
Tanam: So it kind of hurts-
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, like, and it's pretty gritty, you know,
Tanam: but like, a pretty good waffle,
Vafrus: yeah, well, I mean, not, it's not,
Tanam: taste wise.
Vafrus: yeah, texture's completely wrong, but, but yeah, like, tastes like a,
actually, you know, buttery and very good waffle, and then, and then, and then you
swallow it, and it goes down, and your stomach is also like, "this is not food."
Harmony: Wait a minute, so it tastes like a waffle, but the texture is different?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, I've effectively flavored, like, a handful of somewhat
edible rocks to be waffle flavored.
Harmony: So it feels like I'm eating rocks, but the flavor is a waffle, but
I'm able to chew it and swallow it.
Vafrus: Yeah, it's like chewing, yeah, and the rice isn't done,
so it's crunchy you know.
Harmony: Interesting!
Vafrus: Crunchy and burned.
Don: uncooked rice and salt,
Tanam: But it tastes like waffes.
Don: But tastes like waffles.
Vafrus: Cooking is easy.
Harmony: Alright I'm gonna build some rapport.
I'm gonna take a bite of the waffle and be like, This is really
good, but I have news that isn't.
Tanam: Okay, I'm gonna need you to roll deception on that
one, but you do have advantage.
Harmony: Okay,
Don: I feel like she needs to roll a Constitution save, but
I'm not the DM or anything.
Harmony: I have 18.
Vafrus: yeah, that's, I mean, sure I'll roll, but if I start to disbelieve
it, my own, deception will kick in.
Um,
Tanam: Self deception.
Vafrus: Yeah, uh, no, I got a three.
Which comes to a total of zero.
Tanam: She loves it.
Vafrus: That's because it's perfect.
I have some too.
Through power of my own self deception, can I like it?
Tanam: I'd say roll Deception versus your passive Perception.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Ooo.
I rolled badly, but I bet I can still beat it myself.
Total of 13 on Deception.
passive Perception is an 8!
Yes!
Tanam: It is delicious.
You are such a great cook.
Vafrus: Saved it!
Saved the day!
Harmony: Okay, Ruffort, I'm really impressed by you,
but the Sorceress is coming.
Vafrus: Oh shit!
You wanna make something of it?
Harmony: I think we can save some waffles for her, but I
to find the rest of the party.
Vafrus: Oh yeah!
They're asleep!
You wanna something of it?
Harmony: I, I-
Vafrus: like, like, I'm trying to, like, eye contact with you when I say
it, and kind of go, like, eyebrows.
Tanam: Just to clarify, still, now that you've heard that
the Sorceress is coming back?
Vafrus: I don't have another solution for this problem, alright?
This is what I've landed on.
Tanam: This is what you've landed on.
You've made the decision.
Vafrus: I could either not speak, or pretend like doing on purpose.
And the purpose plan is going great, so why change it?
Harmony: All right, Ruffort, I, I think you're very charming, but
maybe, yes, let's make something of it by telling the party.
Yeah?
Vafrus: I, uh, don't want to say it again, so I nod and, uh, kind of give
a hand gesture, be like, lead the way.
Harmony: Okay.
I grab a bunch of waffles.
Vafrus: Oh, my heart actually melts.
That's nice of you.
Tanam: Gotta keep that grift going.
Vafrus: Yeah!
So we head back to where we assume the party is asleep.
Tanam: Do you leave it open and with all the supplies spread around and-
Vafrus: Yeah, and a fire going in the hearth, like, fully going.
Yes.
We just walk out.
Harmony: but I yell, "Fire! Somebody check on that!"
Don: I don't see how they never suspect anyone after that.
You yell fire, and it's like a controlled cooking fire, and they're,
yeah- I see nothing wrong with this.
Nevermind, go on.
Tanam: Okay, this is a critical question.
There are three ways that you can go.
You could go back through the Hall.
There are the two sides of the building.
Which way do you run?
Vafrus: Which way is faster?
Tanam: You have to get to the other side of the Hall-
Vafrus: through the middle probably feels faster, right?
Tanam: although you have to go through the Hall, so there's gonna be people in
there, and it's all kind of designed to bring you towards the mirrors, so.
Harmony: I feel most comfortable around people, when they're paying attention
to me, let's go through the Hall.
Tanam: So you yell fire and then charge into the Hall?
Harmony: Yeah, Sorry, I yell, "Fire, somebody should take care of that!"
and then I charge through the Hall.
Tanam: Oh, okay.
Well, thank you for the clarification.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Vafrus: The followers like parrot it and come after us.
Tanam: Did you give them any waffles, by the way?
Harmony: No, but, you know what, um, I'm holding a bunch of them, so I'm gonna hand
them some waffles while we're walking out.
To give them strength, because we have a big walk in front of us.
Tanam: Not really, compared to the two hours in the desert.
Harmony: Well then they're hungry, they spent two hours in the desert!
Tanam: Okay, they accept it gracefully, and are convinced that since you
obviously liked it, it must be good.
Harmony: Yeah, and the waffles have a smiley face on them, so it helps them
feel really happy right now, right?
Vafrus: Coloring is also another thing Prestidigitation can do,
so it's very lovely smiley face.
Tanam: Okay, there was enough noise going on in the Hall that I don't
think that they heard you yelling.
Are you trying to rush or are you trying to be inconspicuous?
Harmony: Oh, trying to rush.
We're running through the Hall.
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: The speed at which you're going, the size of the group you're in,
definitely draws attention, but no one's moving to stop you or anything like that.
They just all look confused.
Harmony: I feel like I did my due diligence, too, by telling
everyone there's a fire, so if they didn't hear me, I mean, I tried.
Tanam: well, no one inside the Hall heard you, it seems.
Vafrus: That's still a failing on their part.
Tanam: No one is paying attention to the mirrors right now, they are
watching you as you run through.
Harmony: Oh, I wave at them and smile.
"Hi."
Vafrus: Yeah.
Ruffort follows suit.
He does one of his, like, his, his teeth twinkle.
Tanam: Like, literally?
Vafrus: Yeah.
He does that sometimes.
Tanam: You charge on through the Hall.
No one moves to stop you, cause you don't seem to be charging the
mirrors or anything like that.
You're just headed and right back out the other side.
Harmony: Yeah, like really beautifully.
Yeah.
Vafrus: You can get away with a lot by just doing it confidently.
Harmony: And gracefully.
Yep.
Tanam: Okay.
You are, out in front of the Hall.
You can hear running feet from the side of the building, running away from you,
towards the place where you yelled fire.
Harmony: Oh, that's smart.
They're running away from the fire.
Tanam: No, no, they're running to the fire.
Harmony: Oh, oh, even better.
You're welcome, Beebs.
Vafrus: So responsible.
Tanam: Okay, so you head over to the hotel?
Harmony: Alright, who do we want to wake up first?
Vafrus: I mean, I thought we were gonna go to bed.
Do you want to make something of it?
Harmony: I mean, you know, one these nights-
Don: Careful Ruffort.
She'll put glitter all over your bed.
Vafrus: I mean... I mean, that's fine, you know.
Glitter me up.
Harmony: I was thinking we need to tell everyone about the sorcerer.
Maybe Georg, he can make us coffee.
Vafrus: I was really excited that we were coming here so fast.
want to something of it.
Okay.
Now I understand a little better.
Harmony: Wait, do you understand?
Vafrus: I mean, I've been asking you, do you want to make something of it?
Do you want to make something of it?
Harmony: We are going to Georg's now.
Vafrus: All right.
We go to Georg's.
Harmony: And knock on the door.
Don: Ahh.
Georg's asleep.
Tanam: Does he continue to sleep?
Vafrus: Welp, we tried, uhhhh, see you in the morning, I guess.
Do you want to make something of it?
Harmony: No!
Ruffort, I need you to headbutt the door.
Vafrus: Sure!
Don: Can you like, not?
Vafrus: Yeah, I'm not even gonna question it.
I take a running start...
Tanam: "oh!" you hear the Prince's voice.
"No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!"
Vafrus: A, I take a running start.
Bam!
Don: No, of course you do.
Tanam: "Oh, okay. That happened."
Vafrus: I'm suddenly like, "Oh no! Have I disobeyed my liege?"
Tanam: Well, I do need you to run a contest against yourself of Strength
versus Constitution, I guess?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
No problem.
Both of them suck, so this gonna be great.
Don: At least it isn't a Wisdom saving throw.
Rozafeen: So is it just me?
Or did the Prince saying, "okay, that happened" sound kind
of like the lizards talking.
Harmony: I heard it.
Rozafeen: Oh good.
I feel better.
Tanam: okay.
Rozafeen: We love you.
Vafrus: Uh, Strength first?
Tanam: Sure..
Vafrus: That's a seventeen.
Inspired by the power of love.
And, uh, Constitution was nearly there.
That's a 16.
I, just short.
Tanam: Okay-
Vafrus: Both pretty good though, What's the door's Constitution?
Don: I mean-
Vafrus: Heh heh heh
Tanam: They're not far enough apart that you knock yourself out,
but these are nice hotel doors, so you make a very loud noise.
But you don't knock it off it's hinges or splinter or anything like that.
It's not a bad door.
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: Is Georg woken up by an extremely loud-
Don: I would say so, yeah,
Rozafeen: Is the whole floor woken up by an extremely loud thing?
Don: actually a better question.
Tanam: Yeah, that is a very good question.
Vafrus: I try to stealthily BLAST IN THE DOOR,
Quietly yell for everyone to wake up.
Harmony: But reassure them it's not an emergency.
Vafrus: but tell them about the fire, though,
Harmony: But the fire's being put out, probably.
Tanam: so, Hellena doesn't sleep well with a lot of noise.
Is she woken up by this?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I think that in order to assume that she has survived as long as
she has being a messenger, slash, money collector, slash, forest traveling person.
probably doesn't sleep through gigantic bangs.
Harmony: Good job, Ruffort, you're so efficient!
Vafrus: Followed by, like, "ooooooh, you want to make something of it? ooooooh."
Harmony: so weird.
Rozafeen: very important that the cheetah exits my room first, and
the cheetah is wearing a nightcap.
Justice looks very upset.
Vafrus: I'm like, sitting on the ground, holding my head.
"I could've just used magic, what was wrong?
all my choices aren't the best, I don't know anymore.
No, I'm perfect, everything's fine.
Uhhhhhh."
Don: So, uh, Georg, who obviously sleeps in his armor, there's a built in pillow,
Rozafeen: I love it.
Don: Georg does not ever leave the armor, but there is definitely
a self cleaning function.
Vafrus: I was gonna say you turn on shower mode.
Like, suds start falling out of it.
Don: Yeah, I mean, there's not a soap canister on the
side of the suit for nothing.
Vafrus: Oh,
Don: Speaking of, uh, Georg, uh, as he's like, you know, coming to
the door, he opens- is there a peephole in these old hotel doors?
Tanam: Let's say there is.
Don: I mean, yeah, they got lots of mirrors, it should be fine.
So yeah, Georg's, like, kinda peering through the peephole, and he's like got
some, uh, some of the old coffee oil that he's distilled, ready to just blast
out uh with just a little fire starter.
but, I assume I see Urekas, probably, and not Ruffort, because
I assume he's sitting down.
Huh.
Tanam: not on the floor.
Don: So, I mean, what, what do I see here?
Is it Urekas?
Is it nothing?
Tanam: You see Urekas.
looking through the door, what does he see?
Harmony: I'm there, I'm pounding on the door.
Don: So then I put, put away, I, you know, hit the, the release button to, to like,
you know, uh, not shoot fire on Urekas.
Groggily like, open the door and I just go, "What!?"
Harmony: Georg, Ruffort made waffles and the Sorceress is coming.
Vafrus: I love the order of that.
Don: Um, okay, where are the waffles?
Harmony: Oh, here's one.
I saved you one.
Don: Oh, thank you, and I, uh, I eat the waffle, What happens to me?
Vafrus: Flavor spell lasts for an hour, so, you know, it's, uh-
Don: I rolled an eight on my Constitution save.
Tanam: I'll let you decide.
Uh, you definitely can't swallow it.
Don: Yeah, no, I spit out the waffle, uh, uh, just kind of choke on it a
little bit, because I don't expect the cognitive disodence that occurs from
eating something made of salt and rice that I expect to be a waffle, but I
should have known by looking at it.
Harmony: What do you mean looking at it?
It looked so happy.
Don: Look, a smiley face doesn't make it look like a good waffle.
Rozafeen: So, I come out of my room and I'm like, "That waffle
is a lot happier than I am."
Don: yeah, so, uh, I guess the Sorceress is free.
Uh, we should probably do something about that, like, run or something.
Rozafeen: I mean, I don't know, I think the number one thing we
should do is let Urekas sleep.
Harmony: I'm really tired, but super focused.
I can run.
Or if someone wants to give me a piggyback ride?
Rozafeen: Have, um, has everybody but these two slept enough
that we've had a long rest?
Tanam: No, short rest at best,
Rozafeen: that's not good.
Don: Georg no like short rest.
Vafrus: Ruffort is, like, starting to doze off on the ground.
Harmony: Ruffort, wake up, but I'm accidentally cuddling you because,
you know, also little tired.
Vafrus: Awww.
Okay.
Harmony: I'm like, wake up, but then I go back to cuddle.
No, Ruffort, wake up.
Vafrus: Awww.
Okay, yeah, no, that gets me up.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, alright, we're here.
Harmony: Okay, we're ready.
Rozafeen: I give you both a look of disdain, and then I'm like, hmm.
So, we can't run forever, and we can't face her without resting.
So, we need to hide?
Vafrus: We're already in a pretty safe place.
She doesn't know where our rooms are.
Don: I imagine that won't be a difficult proposition for somebody
as powerful as a sorceress.
She literally has a tower in the middle of the desert, I assume she
can figure out where rooms are.
Vafrus: That's fair.
Rozafeen: Hey, has the Mindlord left town?
Harmony: Oh, I don't think so.
Maybe.
Rozafeen: I was kind of hoping for "yes," because that seems like
a place that she wouldn't look for us that is not very far away.
Harmony: I think, I mean, Mindlord would probably welcome us if
Mindlord is around, but, uh, okay.
I'd say let's try it.
I'm on good terms with the Mindlord, um, if he's like, "why are you here with
all your friends?" Like, "oh, I want to introduce you to my friends because
I really liked getting to know you."
Vafrus: Can we all stay in your house tonight?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I think if he's there, we're gonna have some splaining to do.
Don: Yeah, I also want to remind you that we don't entirely trust this guy.
Okay, maybe it's just me, maybe it's just I don't trust this guy.
Harmony: I think he's great.
Rozafeen: I'm thinking about it.
He is really hot.
Harmony: Super hot.
Don: Okay.
Some of us really trust this guy, based on completely reasonable metrics.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, I also have this bag full of golden plates.
That's just a thing that we have.
Rozafeen: Do you want to hide under the plates?
Harmony: You want to gamble with them?
Vafrus: Well, I mean, maybe we should, like, sell them or yeah,
gamble something with them.
Rozafeen: You know, going to the Gambling Hall is not the worst idea.
Don: Yeah, it's pretty hard to find you in a Gambling Hall.
Rozafeen: And she'd have to make a huge scene.
Don: I could see that working.
Harmony: I like it.
Yep.
Don: Are we napping in the Gambling Hall?
Because-
Vafrus: Yeah,
Don: would like I think, six?
At least, hours?
Rozafeen: Could we maybe set up like a little like rest station in
a corner and take watches, but in the Gambling Hall, is that a thing?
Harmony: I could do costume change like I meant to be sleeping there.
I'm sure employees sleep there all the time.
Vafrus: I think we should do it in a place with a bed.
Bedrooms.
Cause, unless we think the people of the Gambling Hall are
gonna, like, come to our defense-
Rozafeen: I just think if the Sorceress comes here, she wants to
mess stuff up, and it's just us in this hallway, she's going to have an
easier time of it than if we're in the middle of a very public place.
Tanam: As a side note, is Ruffort saying these things out loud?
Vafrus: Oh, right, yeah.
want to make something of it?
Do you want to make something of it?
Do you want to, uh, Y'all notice this incredibly weird tick that I am,
also trying to make sexual somehow?
Yeah.
Rozafeen: I don't even use my cantrip.
I walk over to him, I slap him and I say "Never say that to me again."
Vafrus: Okay.
Do you wanna something of it?
Sorry!
I didn't mean it!
you want to make something Ah, I won't stop!
Do you want to make of it?
Don: I think there might be something wrong with him.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Don: Urekas what did you do?
Harmony: Wait, what'd I do?
Don: Yeah, what did you do?
Harmony: No, he made waffles and then he started talking weird.
Don: Those were gross waffles.
Harmony: He made them!
Rozafeen: I don't think the waffles are the problem, everybody.
Vafrus: Look,
Rozafeen: you
Vafrus: don't have to like the waffles, but if you don't, it means
there's something wrong with you.
You want to make something of it?
Don: You know what, what, if I do want to something of it?
Harmony: Okay, the waffles weren't that bad.
They tasted surprisingly good considering the texture.
Rozafeen: Uh, let me do some sort what have I got?
What have I got?
I'm used to playing a different type of character.
Harmony: One with smart friends?
Rozafeen: Okay, great.
I'm gonna try rolling a Medicine check.
Let's start there.
Tanam: Wait, so does this determine how bad the waffles are?
Rozafeen: No, I'm trying to figure out what's up with our lewd friend.
Tanam: I mean beyond the normal stuff?
Rozafeen: Why is he worse?
That is a 14 on Medicine.
Tanam: Okay, can I also get an Arcana check?
Rozafeen: Let me see about that.
You can.
Don: I can help, with the Arcana part.
Rozafeen: Yeah, how about, how about Georg and I both roll
that one and we say I didn't.
Don: because I'm also kind of looking at him going, "What
the hell is wrong with you?"
Rozafeen: Yeah, I mean, he's making advances at you and he's not even
trying to get you to make him coffee.
Don: I thought he wanted to fight.
Georg doesn't really have the social wherewithal to figure
out that he's being hit on.
Rozafeen: If somebody says to you, "Do you want to make something
of it?" You're like, "Fine!
Let's fight!
Let's go!"
Vafrus: Well, especially if it's Ruffort, right?
Ha
Don: He's already kind of predisposed to the weird dude.
Rozafeen: That's true.
I did slap him already, so I think you should have a turn.
Don: So, uh, do you want to make something of it?
And, and I'm looking at him like, what the heck is wrong with this guy?
He's weird normally, but this is weirder than normal weird.
Tanam: And you roll a, uh, Medicine and an Arcana check?
Don: You want me to roll the Medicine check too?
I can do that.
Rozafeen: My Arcana was a 9, by the way, so, not horrible, just not impressive.
Tanam: Just kind of boring.
Don: Alright, uh, well, I got a 10 and an 11.
Not that much better.
Rozafeen: Urekas, do you have Arcana?
Harmony: Um,
Tanam: So it is true that Urekas is very focused right now.
You did earlier say "what's wrong with you?" so I will grant that Urekas has
noticed and is potentially trying to think about it, so, if you'd like Urekas to also
roll a Medicine and an Arcana, she can do so with advantage on both of those.
Harmony: Okay, that would be great.
I know I'm focused, but I feel like I'm focused on just the last
thing anyone says, so one moment like, Gambling oh wait, waffles!
I'm focused, but... I will roll.
Vafrus: Can I try to figure it out too, since that seems to
be the game and I actually have information about this whole thing?
Don: Do you know what happened to you?
a thing that you know?
Vafrus: Calumn doesn't know, but he might be able to figure it out because
he knows a little about Arcana and has clues that the rest of you don't have.
Don: okay
Harmony: Well, Arcana, I just rolled a 20.
Tanam: Oh, wow, excellent.
This feels familiar.
You have heard about, people getting weird curses before, that, like, affect
them in these unexpected, weird ways.
The memories that you have of it are associated with the Tower Empire.
That's where those kinds of things happen sometimes.
Harmony: Okay, should I also roll Medicine, or should I
just start telling everybody?
Rozafeen: I think while you're talking to us, I'm examining his head.
Tanam: This is interesting.
Okay, are you walking over there and, like, touching his-
Rozafeen: Getting all up in his curls.
Vafrus: He does have like an actual lump on his head right now
from where he headbutted door.
So he's probably like in pain.
He's like, no, no, don't touch me.
Rozafeen: and I'm gonna be like, manhandling him and mumbling, "You big,
dumb idiot. Don't give me trouble."
Vafrus: She can just win because I'm gonna have an epiphany and realize,
oh no, it's the Tower Kingdom!
The Sorceress cursed me!
As soon as she came out of the whatever power, she cursed me.
That must be what happened.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: You get a good feel of my head, and the hair is actually pretty
close to right, but it's an illusion, like, you figure out immediately
that it's an illusion, and yeah, I've got like a bump on one side.
Tanam: And also a tiara.
Vafrus: yeah, you immediately find the tiara, that's true.
Rozafeen: I pull the tiara off, and I say, "Oh! That's weird, I haven't
seen this on for- Whatever. You do not have the ability to be making these
kind of fashion choices right now."
Tanam: You feel like you have suddenly sobered up a bit,
Vafrus: So here's the thing, I want that tiara more than anything in the world,
except the approval of my friends.
Right now I'm just embarrassed that I got caught stealing treasure from
everyone, so I'm gonna be like, "woaaaah where did that come from?"
Don: Real smooth.
I'm sure we'll never figure it out.
Rozafeen: I can shove this in a mirror bag and it's not gonna mess with any
of the things in the mirror bag, right?
Tanam: Mirror bags are stable enough.
We've still not found out what will happen with the hot rocks in the mirror bags, but
normal magical items into them is fine.
Rozafeen: Okay, great.
That's where this puppy's going.
Vafrus: Wow you must be some kind of latent conjurer, that was
amazing... wannamakesomethingofIt.
Rozafeen: So, I do my fantastic from my local location trick.
I make a awesome icy drink out of thin air I set it on his bump.
Harmony: Awww.
Vafrus: Yeah, he actually just shuts up, he does not know
how to handle this situation.
This is like, nobody's like, scolding him or yelling at him or
anything, it's just this he's like, "oh... youwannamakesomethingofit"
Rozafeen: Okay.
Well, we either need to sleep or go hide or I guess run although I really
don't think that one's gonna work out so well for us, but probably we need
to conclude our hallway business.
Vafrus: Everyone into Georg's room!
Don: you explain what the heck just happened first?
Cuz I'm still real confused on-
Vafrus: Do you want to make something of it?
Don: you touched his head and now he's fine?
Is this-
Rozafeen: We'll explain in your room
Don: Okay.
Rozafeen: Justice walks past you and settles down.
Tanam: On the bed?
Rozafeen: Definitely.
Don: I'm allergic.
Ah, fine.
Whatever.
And I just lay down in my armor on the floor.
And a little retractible pillow comes out.
Vafrus: That's why you never use any of your sheets!
Do you wanna make something of it?
Don: He he's still doing it.
I thought you fixed him.
Tell me you fixed him.
Rozafeen: We made it a little bit better, but, uh...
Harmony: He got cursed!
I should tell you guys!
Don: Oh, he's cursed?
How'd he get cursed?
How'd you get cursed?
Vafrus: Must've been the Sorceress, she must have cursed me from a distance in
order to trick us into breaking her spell.
That must have been it.
youwannamakesomethingofit
Harmony: It has something to do with the tower, that's all I know.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
This has gotta be, like, ancient Tower Empire magic.
She figured out that we'd be near each other or something and, she must have
cursed me so that I would distract you.
It all makes sense.
You want to make something of it?
Rozafeen: I put my hands on my hips.
Did you drink a potion?
Vafrus: I, I look guiltily at the rice waffles.
"I don't think so, but who knows what I'm capable of. Do you
wanna make something of it?"
Don: you make it sound like you did- You're just capable of the
extraordinary, like, disgusting waffles.
Rozafeen: don't know it's extraordinary,
Vafrus: Listen, everything I touch turns to magic.
It could be, could be anything.
Do you want to make something of it?
Don: the curse he has to say, "you want to make something of it"?
That that's it?
Cause I feel like the Sorceress is a little more powerful.
Vafrus: But can you see it worked?
Do you want to make something of it?
Rozafeen: I mean, I will say that she is petty.
Like, she will send birds just to stare at someone to drive them insane, apparently.
Don: Yeah, but-
Rozafeen: I thought that sounded like crazy, crazy stuff Tagak was
saying, and surprise, it was true!
Don: fair.
It still seems too crazy.
Rozafeen: I'm not convinced it's the Sorceress, but I do think that
we can probably temporarily just ignore it until we see other signs.
I think our bigger concern is, are we gonna sleep, are we
gonna run, are we gonna hide?
Are we gonna warn Tagak?
Don: Can we do all three?
Well, I don't care about Tagak.
Harmony: I-I would like to rest.
Don: I like sleep, and I like run.
Harmony: I'll sleep, if, you know, you don't mind all of
us crashing in your room.
Don: Yeah, whatever.
Harmony: Great!
Rozafeen: Yeah, we can't run forever, we're gonna have to
face her again at some point.
We're gonna be a lot more successful at it if we've had some rest.
Don: I think we might need, and, uh, This is probably going too
far, considering our general, uh, style of doing everything else.
But a plan would be, like, really good.
Rozafeen: Bite your tongue, sir.
Vafrus: So if I could just get like an hour of sleep, do you
want to make something of it?
I can get a lot of my magic back.
Do you want to make something of it?
And then I could, I could, like, try to protect the rest of
you while you all s s s sleep.
Rozafeen: You two definitely need to sleep and I think Georg and
I can have a little chat maybe.
Don: Yeah
Rozafeen: if stuff gets really intense, Georg can carry one of you and I
can transform and carry the other and we'll hightail it out of here.
Harmony: Okay.
I want coffee when I wake up, please.
Don: Yeah, whatever.
Vafrus: I go and, and grab one of the, uh, apparently unused sheets that are
in this room, and, uh, completely, like, mummy wrap myself so that
there's no part of my body showing, and just go to sleep on the floor.
Harmony: I'm going to sleep on the bed next to Justice,
if Justice is cool with it.
Rozafeen: Justice is super cool with it.
Harmony: Great.
Rozafeen: She's purring.
Don: Oh, great.
I'm allergic to Urekas too.
Why is it always my bed?
Why?
Rozafeen: What was that sound?
Don: It was a sneeze.
What was that sound?
Oh, that was your face.
Rozafeen: My face is not a sound.
You gotta work on your insults.
Harmony: Maybe you're allergic to you.
Don: Oh.
But then I would sneeze all over my armor all the time, and I only
do that when Justice is around.
Harmony: And me.
Moving on.
Don: And you.
Tanam: Okay, moving on,
Rozafeen: Which is like all the time you're around each other an awful lot for
people who hate each other, just saying.
Don: It's a love hate relationship.
Mostly hate.
Harmony: Wash your bedsheets and let's move on.
Tanam: that sounds, sounds like a plan.
As those two go to sleep in their heartwarming and extremely
bizarre ways, Georg and Hellena move over to the corner to chat.
Rozafeen: Yeah, and I don't think that my voice can handle actual
whispering, but assume I'm whispering.
Don: Yeah, what the hell.
Rozafeen: So, it is very important to me to not break the law, and in order
for all of the things that we took to be in any way legitimate, I think that we
might need to explain to the city that we took action against the Sorceress
because she was a hostile suspect.
Don: I thought that's just what we were saying to make
our consciences feel better.
You think that'll actually work?
Rozafeen: I'm not certain it'll go well, but I mean, if we run, we run.
We never complete this job, you know, so long, this city, hello, new city.
That's certainly a path that we could take, although, I am by no
means famous, but my name is well known enough that if I do that, I
think it's going to catch up to me.
And I think if we don't run, the truth is going to come out.
It might go better if we try to get ahead of it.
Don: Alright, and, let's see, what all do we have?
We confiscated, like, her entire, uh, tower, thing.
Someone took the plates!
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Don: Were they, like, evidence?
Who's gonna believe that?
Rozafeen: I definitely think that we made things harder for ourself in
terms of this being our explanation.
Don: You're the law smart one.
I mean, what are our chances?
Rozafeen: I think- so I took all the books and I took them because
I wanted to be able to read them.
I think that having the local library hold on to them is a way
that we can still accomplish that.
Don: So wait, we're just donating them the library?
Tanam: This is a Gambling Hall at the end of an hour walk that is all partying,
Rozafeen: but this is also, like, I don't know, maybe I'm historically
misremembering, but I remember this as a relatively major city of which the
Gambling Hall is just the biggest feature.
Are you saying that there was no library here?
Tanam: I mean, there's a lot of people, but to call it a city is stretching it.
Like, there are some houses, there's the hotel, the guards barracks.
It is more of, like, a resort than anything else.
There's lots of fun ruins there these days, but they're all of the Hall and
some pieces of the mansions survived, but when you are there, it is not a, like,
reasonably functioning city, really.
Don: We're gonna have trouble.
anyone, if it's not a real city, does the law even carrrrrre?
Tanam: Yes, guards care a lot, and this is a major project of the Lonyu Empire.
If you bring the Sorceress's wrath down on the Gambling Hall and she damages
it in retribution, that will be an attack on the Lonyu Empire, so they're
not gonna be happy with her or with you if you're the ones that caused it.
Don: Okay, so, crazy idea.
How about we get Urekas to cast that on her again soon as she comes back?
Rozafeen: See, number one, Urekas has to be awake and have
rested for at least eight hours.
And number two, she has to concentrate to keep it going, so functionally
she can't do anything else after each time she does that, right?
Nothing big?
Don: It hasn't been eight hours, so clearly she lost concentration.
Okay, so we try to give back everything, or maybe give it up as evidence.
Say, "Hey, you know, we found, uh, evidence of nothing." Did we
find any evidence of any crime?
Can we pin any crime on her?
Rozafeen: Other than being a controlling parent.
Don: Yeah, I don't know if that's a crime, but we can make something up, right?
Vafrus: heh.
Now your inner Ruffort is talking.
Rozafeen: Workshopping here.
I don't know the local laws, but do you think that the Gambling Hall and the
local area has any sort of policy against that big pile of rocks she was keeping?
Don: Like a city ordinance on rocks?
It was ugly, but I don't know if it was that ugly.
Rozafeen: I don't remember how well we rolled, but If we understand that these
are hot rocks, I could imagine that it would at least be within the realm of
possibility that the Lonyu Empire would not be cool with somebody keeping those
things and us showing up and being like, "Yeah, we cleared the place out because
we aren't experts on this, but we thought that there was a possibility that there
might be, like, contamination going on.
And so we brought it here.
We need to put it in a contained environment and we wanted the authorities
to decide whether it needed to be disposed of, whether it was safe to return.
You know, she was keeping these products in the same vicinity as a
minor." I think we could spin this.
Don: But we didn't know there were actually hot rocks.
Vafrus: They got an evil vibe to them, that's enough.
like, yeah, there's dark magic going on.
Big, scary, and, and, and also spiders getting summoned out of places.
They probably came out of these rocks.
Don: I mean, we could probably make a case for, uh-
Vafrus: I'm not here, but that's what your little shoulder Ruffort says.
Don: Yeah, yeah, no, I think that's reasonable, like, we could make a case
for, uh, evil rocks, and, and that we confiscated everything except those
evil rocks, because we were afraid of them, uh, we didn't want the evil to
spread, but we thought everything else might be evil, so we brought all of it.
Rozafeen: Hm same pitch, but slightly less convincing.
Don: Well, I mean, we sorta just stole all of her stuff because we
didn't like her, but we thought she might have useful stuff.
I don't think that we have many legs to stand on.
Rozafeen: Okay.
So here's the thing that we could do.
Ruffort is not going to like this, but, we could tell everybody to
empty their bags, we could like hire a cart, put everything on the cart,
and we could send her her stuff back.
Harmony: i, I, I, I, I have goosebumps.
What?
What'd you guys say?
Rozafeen: I feel like the only thing that we did wrong really was taking her stuff.
I think that liberating her- you know what, I'm not even sure the daughter is a
minor- liberating her daughter who needs to get a life, that's not against the law.
And telling someone who's trying to attack us to go away is not against the law.
We didn't harm her.
Don: That's fair.
That's fair.
We could just send her stuff back.
I wouldn't mind sending her stuff back.
I mostly took the stuff that Ruffort dropped.
Rozafeen: And then if she comes and attacks us, especially in public, in the
middle of a hotel or in the middle of a Gambling Hall, what's she gonna say?
"You tempted my daughter to go be with someone that she was already
having... relations with and my stuff isn't where it was before, it's in a
big pile. You assholes! I'm burning this whole Hall down!" Like, she
probably I don't think she'd do that.
Don: Yeah, and who's to say we were the ones that took her stuff?
Rozafeen: Exactly.
Don: I like this idea.
We just have to convince Ruffort and Urekas.
Rozafeen: I mean, they're asleep.
Do we have to?
Don: Well, I guess we could just empty everybody's bags.
Vafrus: Ruffort doesn't have a mirror bag.
His bag is on the ground.
Don: well, most us mirror bags, we don't where Ruffort-
Vafrus: a plate hanging out of one of them.
Harmony: I know I'm asleep, but my followers also have her items.
Don: We'll figure that out when we come to it.
I mean, the followers are not sleeping in my hotel room with us.
Tanam: No, they're, all outside.
Don: Yeah, damn straight they are.
Vafrus: In the hallway.
Tanam: No-
Don: lined up, sleeping.
Rozafeen: Do the followers have anything their bags than the unfortunate hot rocks?
Harmony: The stuff they stole.
Tanam: yeah.
Rozafeen: They stole stuff, too?
Vafrus: They couldn't get any of the good stuff, so they were just like, picking
up silverware and rocks off ground, and-
Tanam: No.
We, we have a, we have a full list of what they have in their bags.
Vafrus: they busted up a chair and each took piece of it, and-
Tanam: I mean, you laugh, but you all were trying to take that table.
Rozafeen: just wanted the books, and I kept some rings.
Let's be honest, I kept some rings.
Don: She didn't really have anything good.
I took nothing, except for the stuff that- Wait, did I take any books?
I don't even think I took books.
Tanam: I think the things that you took were the things
that Ruffort dumped out on-
Don: Dumped out, yeah, exactly.
I took Ruffort's stuff.
That's what I took.
Which, I mean, like, I'm not saying that Georg, like, I'm no goody two shoes here.
Just, didn't find anything cool.
I would've taken the whole tower, really.
That was the most interesting thing.
The whole freaking tower and the pile of rocks at the bottom.
The elemental, I mean.
Not the hot rocks.
Rozafeen: I think this is our best plan.
I think probably it's going to be a violation of Urekas and Ruffort's
trust if they wake up and the stuff was gone and they didn't even get a vote.
I'm just concerned that they're not going to go along with it or they'll be like,
yeah, yeah, sure, and then, you know, keep some of the tiaras or whatever.
Don: What if we wake them up?
I'll just shake Urekas awake and Ruffort awake and then ask if they mind if
we do it, and if they say yes, then we can, I don't know, do it anyway.
Rozafeen: I think it's the right thing to do.
I am concerned that been up all night, shake them up, and they go, oh
yeah, whatever, and fall back asleep
Don: They already stole it.
Rozafeen: I hate being lawful.
Okay, I think this is our plan A. Let's come up with a plan B. I'd like
to let them sleep as long as possible.
Don: Okay, so plan B. Ah, we club them over the head and we do it anyway.
Then we stole their stuff., just like they stole her stuff.
Vafrus: Little Ruffort is sitting on your shoulder cheering, yeaaaaaah!
Don: I guess that's just the same as doing it without asking, isn't it?
Vafrus: They could be your plates!
Don: But with an added step where we get to club them on the head for being stupid.
Rozafeen: I have an idea.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
It's a little bit shifty, but hear me out.
We give most of the stuff to the daughter.
Don: Go on...
Rozafeen: You know, not all of it.
We keep some crowns and some rings and stuff, you know, for our trouble.
Don: Oh, So then, then she's got it.
Rozafeen: So then we're like, hey, she's starting a new life.
Are you really going to begrudge your daughter that you love so much a bunch
of gold plates and some bedsheets?
I don't think so.
Harmony: Did you say sheets?
Don: And your entire library.
Rozafeen: We're rich, mom.
Buy more stuff.
Don: Oh, that could work.
That's really smart.
Harmony: Guys, guys, I'm having a bad dream.
Rozafeen: You're asleep.
Don: You know what?
I like that.
Almost as likely to succeed as just giving her back all her stuff.
do feel like she might just murder us for the trouble first.
Rozafeen: Well, yeah, I think we are going to need to hide slash run
because she's going to be mad at us.
But I think in terms of the city being willing to provide us any sort of
protection, or even just let us stay here and hide amongst the public, that's gonna
go better if we don't have bags and bags and bags full of this lady's gold plates.
Don: Alright, I like it.
Uh, let's see what they say in the morning.
if we, if we just give her back her stuff, then it's like nothing ever happened.
We just told her to go away, we came back.
She's not gonna be too mad, right?
Rozafeen: Oh, she's gonna be very mad.
She's gonna be super mad about the daughter.
I think there were some lizard casualties.
It's not gonna go well.
Don: Yeah, the lizard, that's a problem.
Rozafeen: But I don't know, do you think that we can sleep through
the night and we're gonna, you know, probably not wake up dead?
Don: I don't know how fast she can move.
I mean, the terms of the spell that Urekas used... I mean, she, she should have done
everything she could to get out of there.
Rozafeen: She's probably going to go back to the tower first and then it's
going to her a little bit of time to get to- yeah, I think, I think we can sleep.
Don: "yeah, we can probably sleep." and then, Georg, uh,
puts a, uh, a line of grease at the, at the very, at the doorway.
Like, not if you're walking in the hallway, but just like a little line
under the, uh, under the door, to try to trip anybody up who's coming in.
Tanam: I think it's very adorable that you think that she'll come in the door.
Don: Oh, alrright.
I mean, that's fair.
Tanam: You know, like, Georg does what Georg does.
Don: Georg thinks in terms of doorways, and blocking those doorways.
Tanam: Yep.
Don: uh, and then, and then Georg uses Web on the door as well.
Uh, he takes a bunch of, like, high tensile strength coffee strands, uh,
which are jammed into a canister, and he just shoots that at the
door, and they stick all over it.
Rozafeen: Georg, that was exciting to watch.
Super cool.
Not sure that was a good idea.
Don: Why not?
Now she can't get in.
Rozafeen: And we can't get out?
Don: But she can't get in.
Rozafeen: Go to bed.
Don: Okay, I can't help but think that there's something
I'm missing, but we'll see.
Rozafeen: I look over my shoulder at the window, and I shrug.
Vafrus: I'm just imagining the conversation the cleaning
staff has the next day.
"Greasetrap carpet? Coffee ground webbing?"
Rozafeen: I think it would be even funnier they're like,
"Yeah, we get that sometimes."
Vafrus: like, uh,
Don: Okay, so, uh, upon you looking at the window, Georg goes, "oh, oh
no," uh, and I have a bunch of rope.
Like, more rope than I normally have because I also have Ruffort's
rope, so I, like, wrap the window up in a bunch of rope.
Rozafeen: Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, You what?
Don: I take a bunch of rope, and I, I like, just, so I, okay, so I, if
there's a window, and there's either a curtain rod or not, that doesn't
matter, but I'll take some, some pitons, and hammer them into wall little bit,
on side of window, and I'll wrap the rope so that there's, there's like
just a kind of screen of rope there.
Tanam: Do you try to this quietly?
Vafrus: The piton!
Don: Yeah!
mean, I don't want to wake up the people that are sleeping.
Vafrus: Oh!
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm not even gonna stop you, because that's gonna do
nothing to stop her, but it's not gonna stop us from getting out.
So, whatever brings you joy.
Vafrus: I believe in this plan.
I think it's a great plan.
Rozafeen: You're asleep.
Vafrus: Which should dissuade you, but-
Don: You being asleep should dissuade me?
Vafrus: No, no.
Don: Okay, okay yeah.
So, uh, despite it being a terrible idea, Georg's sort of panicking.
He doesn't know what to do.
So he does stupid things.
yeah, I'm gonna try to do that, uh, quietly in- and
"quietly" is a relative term.
Tanam: Everyone is tired enough that you manage it.
Rozafeen: So when you're done with that, I pat you on the shoulder and I say,
"Georg, you have got to go to sleep or I will start singing to try to get you to
go to sleep. And you don't want that."
Don: Oh, oh, you're not a bard.
Rozafeen: I'm not a bard.
I'm not.
Don: Going, I'm going, to sleep.
Rozafeen: Gonna share with you that I tried, and I failed.
Vafrus: Oh...
Don: Wait, did you really?
Rozafeen: Yeah, really.
Just wasn't my calling.
Don: Alright, well, I guess we sleep then.
Tanam: And everybody passes out in their various strange ways, with Georg
lying flat on his back in his armor with his little pillow that popped out.
Ruffort wrapped like a mummy in a sheet from the bed.
Urekas cuddling with Justice, and Hellena probably just sighing herself to sleep.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm sort of propped up against a wall.
I sleep against trees a lot.
Tanam: Okay, and I'll leave you there.
Rozafeen: You will leave us there in the aching anticipation of the book, which
Harmony is gonna bring next time, right?
Hmm?
Yes?
Harmony: I'll bring it.
Tanam: Get it back from your friend?
Rozafeen: Don't make me go beat up your neighbor or give her a hug and a tissue?
Don't know.
Things must have been bad
Harmony: Oh, it was so bad.
She had a horrible Don.
Don: Hey!
Tanam: This is just a, a generic noun, now, for a bad boyfriend?
Don: It isn't.
Rozafeen: for a bad boy?
Do you wanna be our bad boy, Don?
Don: Gross.
Harmony: I will bring the book.
Tanam: Okay.
See you next time.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: This is really good, but I have news that isn't.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: She's not gonna be too mad, right?
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: You assholes!
I'm burning this whole Hall down.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Cooking is easy.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: It's adorable that you think that she'll come in the door.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
What I really want to talk about is Harmony and Don?
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my
drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Tanam: I want to rerecord "that ship has sailed." I don't think that there's
a lot of sailing metaphors that we have.
Harmony: "That bridge has collapsed."
Tanam: oh gee, no, God, that's-
Don: have there been, like, major bridge collapses?
I feel like that would be, like, a horrible thing in this society.
Tanam: that's, that's like a 9 11 joke.
Harmony: Oh!
I didn't mean like that!
Tanam: but I, I think something about the bridge, yes.
oh, "we've walked onto that bridge," I think is like, cause
you know, it's one way, right?
Rozafeen: I think that "we've started on that bridge" is not going to make sense
to the audience because they don't know about that part of the world building yet.
I think you should say "that's a one way bridge, there's no turning back."