The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, The Intern.
Got another voicemail.
I know y'all love these.
Oh, I guess it also comes with an update.
He stopped sending me edits via voicemail, so that's good.
The Boss: Hey, Intern.
Just wanted to share some thoughts with you.
I think that the "crew" as you call them have a lot to answer for.
This whole frame job with the Sorceress is just icing on the cake of how
they've been treating everyone.
Take Beeb for instance.
I feel for the guy.
I really do.
You know, you just want to be left alone so that you can do your job, but then
people show up and they want pancakes in the middle of the goddamn night.
And then they're like, "Oh, you're a manager. You should ensure that things
are running efficiently. Cost controls are your job." But maybe you didn't want to
be a manager to care about cost controls.
Maybe you just wanted to help young engineers and scientists grow in
their fields and maybe do some science and discover some important shit.
So, maybe do something about.
that.
The Intern: I am so many layers removed from being able to do anything about that.
I'm literally just an intern.
I get it, if you're still listening, boss, and you obviously care a
lot about how they treat Beeb.
Uh, so, content warning for this episode, I guess?
Don't worry, Beeb isn't actually in this one.
Vafrus: Hey everyone!
Harmony: Hello, uh,
Vafrus: How's everyone doing?
Harmony: Good.
Don: good,
Tanam: Really excited to meet somebody!
Vafrus: everyone ready for the big reveal?
Yep, yep, yep, we got it all ready, all set up.
I had to do a little bit of a transpondence spell in order to get it
transmitting properly, but here we are.
Ready?
Hey, honey?
Are you there?
Hold on.
One second.
Rozafeen: I'm shocked.
Don: Me too.
I'm sorry, did you say her name was "Magical Issues"?
Vafrus: Hey!
Hey!
She's not the first one to have glaze issues on this call, alright?
Everyone's glaze has gone out at some point.
This is completely precedented.
Don: Uh huh.
Vafrus: If Rozafeen is real, Savrin is, too!
Rozafeen: I mean...
Don: is Rozafeen real?
Tanam: Let's not start doubting each other's existence.
Don: that's fair, that's I
Rozafeen: I'm not sure if my employer thinks I'm real, but
that's a different conversation.
Vafrus: Okay.
There's a little glitch in the Phantasmic Matrix.
She can't come on right now.
I swear, she's real.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Vafrus: look, at these pictures.
we got pictures.
Rozafeen: Oh, honey.
Don: Yeah, that can't be illusioned.
No, I mean we know she's real.
Cause otherwise, why would you just show up and say she was gonna show up and
then have glaze issues, that'd be weird.
Harmony: She's real in your heart.
Vafrus: No!
Oh,
Tanam: she's not?
Don: That was cold.
Rozafeen: Let's move on from this embarrassing moment, shall we?
Vafrus: dying.
dying a little bit every time.
Oh,
Tanam: are you well enough to game?
Vafrus: Oh, of course.
Don: Turned that rightt around, didn't it?
Vafrus: Onward, fearless DM!
Tanam: Okay.
Last time, we leveled up everybody.
And Ruffort has distributed the hot rocks to the mirror bags of the followers.
I believe that Hellena is still a camel.
Rozafeen: That's correct.
Tanam: How long does that last for?
Don: It turns out that she can stay as camel just enough time
for Georg to get out of the sand.
Rozafeen: If the DM wants to occasionally fuck with me, that could be interesting.
You're not a camel anymore, sonny.
Vafrus: Every hour, roll a die to see what part of the body reverts back.
Rozafeen: Does this ass make me look camel?
Vafrus: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Tanam: Okay, there's not much going on in the desert.
It's getting late.
You guys started out after dark and it took you two hours to get over
there and two hours to get back and some amount of time in between.
Vafrus: It's like four weeks, right?
Tanam: I think you all are probably pretty tired.
Vafrus: Oh yeah.
Ruffort is complaining about it a lot.
Except, I think maybe after like an hour, he got so tired that he
can't complain about it anymore, because that's like work too.
Don: Yeah, carrying ten pounds of hot rocks all around really
takes it out of you, doesn't it?
Harmony: Yeah, we really feel bad for you.
Vafrus: Quite literally takes it out of your Constitution.
Harmony: Oh wait, so I haven't done a rest before.
Maybe I have.
I have 30 out of 38 hit points, but if we're going to go to sleep, should
I do something fun before it resets?
Vafrus: Don't want to waste those hit points by not spending them properly.
Don: Iiiii don't know if that's what they're for.
Rozafeen: You should definitely set off a bunch of spells.
Tanam: Just a reminder, I will put it up to you, the player, whether
Urekas remembers that she's supposed to be maintaining concentration.
Harmony: Oh, right.
I forgot.
Tanam: I feel like that Urekas would remember this at some level because she
has been maintaining that concentration in order to keep the Sorceress away.
Vafrus: Yeah, it is.
It is literally in the front of her mind.
Don: Don't know, I think you should roll a concentrate on concentrating check
before you roll a concentration check.
Tanam: yeah, if you want to, it's normally a Cons check for maintaining
it if you get hit or something.
But, depending on how distractible is Urekas, like, she seems to be
not particularly distractible.
Harmony: She's fine.
She's just looking at herself in the mirror right now.
She's chillin
Tanam: If you say she's fine, we will not make you roll anything to check otherwise.
You come out of the, nothing but sand and rocks and back into that, you know, all
day party zone south of the Great Hall.
It is not quite as loud at night.
As soon as Urekas goes to sleep, concentration is going to end.
Vafrus: So we need to keep watch.
Urekas goes first.
Harmony: I wanna party.
Vafrus: I want to go to bed.
I'm going to, I'm going to go back to our fancy rooms, and
order another round of sheets.
Don: They're gonna cut you off, eventually, you know that, right?
Like, "Sir, I am so sorry, but we are out of sheets. We've you
every last sheet that we have."
Rozafeen: We are out of sheets for you.
Vafrus: When that, when that day comes, I will use magic to make them give
me more sheets anyway, and then the next time I'll let them off the hook.
Tanam: Okay,
Vafrus: Yeah, my character is so done, like, partying- You know,
I love a good party, but I just walked through the desert twice.
That's two times more than I ever needed to in my whole life.
Harmony: You know, you look really handsome when you party.
Vafrus: Suddenly I have so much energy.
Rozafeen: Well, I'm going to bed.
Vafrus: What do you mean I'm outta spell slots?
Don: I'm going to consider "partying" to be taking a watch.
So, Georg also goes to bed.
Rozafeen: Justice is staying at the party though.
Vafrus: I got this compliment from Urekas, we are up.
Oh, and now that we're around people, I had promised I was
gonna share with her my secret.
Harmony: I would love to hear your secret!
Vafrus: So, DM, how do we want to play this?
I guess I'm out of hot rocks, so instead I could, like, pick somebody's pocket.
I'm gonna show off my yoink skills a little bit.
Rozafeen: Oh dear.
Vafrus: Because, for one, Urekas is paying attention to me, and just
because I'm probably about to take, you know, mechanically significant
exhaustion here doesn't mean that I can't start yonking some things.
I did promise.
Don: It's okay, a lot of people get really tired after yoinking all night.
Harmony: Just snorted.
Tanam: so, are you going to yoink up by the Hall, or are you going-
Vafrus: No, as soon as we get around people, I've been looking for some, you
know- I feel bad that I made her wait so long already, she really cajoled me
good with that check we made earlier, so yeah, as soon as we're around
someone who looks like I can target.
We're, uh, we're doing it.
Tanam: Georg and Hellena head off west over to the hotel, and
there's people milling around, hanging out in front of the Gates.
It is night, which is the best time to see the gates.
Vafrus: Excellent, got a lot of distracted people.
I'll use my incredible Perception to try and find who looks like a great target.
Tanam: okay, yeah, roll a Perception roll, and that will determine
how good of a mark you find.
Vafrus: Excellent.
This is, I'm sure, gonna go very well.
Oh, actually, yeah, so I got, I rolled a 17 with my Wisdom and
the crown bonus that's a 14.
Tanam: This is excellent.
Don: Crown's really doing work here.
, Vafrus: I'm like, "okay, you know, you asked me what my secret
was before. Let me show you."
Harmony: Wait, so, wait, I asked you your secret and you're rolling some dice.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm about to do magic on a person.
Just check out that person over there.
I just figured out I could, I can mess with people.
Check this out.
Harmony: Excellent, okay.
Hehehehe.
Rozafeen: How often does Urekas have some guy be like, "Hey,
I want to show you my secret."
Vafrus: I mean It's, it's different if she was like, "hey, tell me your
secret" and I'm like "in a minute!
I technically can't harm my friends."
Tanam: okay, so, you are...
Vafrus: magic hand to do a yoink, try to steal something, maybe
plant it on someone else just for extra fun, like, I don't know.
Tanam: yeah, with yer 14, there is someone who is standing mouth agape, staring at
the gate entranced, probably a bit drunk.
Go ahead and do the magic hand, and then we can follow up with
the weird check after that.
Vafrus: Alright, gonna so I'm gonna be real careful.
And hey, since we're by the gate and there's a bunch of
light around here, right?
I'm gonna look up into the heavens, see if I can see any, uh, guidance.
Turned out really well last time.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it worked well last time for you, so-
Don: I llike that you're the only person that ever remembers to use this.
Tanam: yeah.
Vafrus: It's actually Calumn's secret to life.
Nobody else has figured out that this, you can just like
look at the sky and get powers.
Tanam: okay, Flipping through here.
I picked a random word of "warn."
Vafrus: Oh, damn it.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this by warning Urekas that she
should hold on to her britches.
It's gonna be amazing.
Don: Nice.
Vafrus: Really stoking those expectations as high as they go.
What could go wrong?
Tanam: This is excellent.
You can take advantage on your yoink roll.-
Vafrus: Probably need it.
Alright, make my yoink roll.
Oh, well, didn't need it, but I'm glad I had it anyway.
Alright, so that's 23, counting the crown bonus.
Tanam: Nice.
With a 23, your plan of yoinking something from one person and putting
it in back of the pocket of someone else is totally going to happen.
There is another drunk person, not too far off, would you
like to describe what happens?
Vafrus: Let's see, there's gotta be something that's like... I'm just gonna
steal the first person's purse, and bring it to me and poke through it a
little bit and be like, "I got nothing good," and then I'll- send it over to
the second person, kind of tuck it into their waistband, poking out a little bit.
And then go over to the first person, like, tap them on the
shoulder and be like, "Hey, I think that guy just took your thing."
Tanam: Before you walk over to the first person, though, I will ask
you to roll your weird magic check.
Vafrus: Chaos!
Alright, it's a 100 roll, right?
Tanam: No, you're rolling your DC check first.
Vafrus: Oh, yes, yes, yes, alright, yeah.
Goodies.
uh,
Tanam: like three or four
Vafrus: Uh, it was at three, now it's at four.
I got a six, so I'm still safe.
Tanam: Wow.
Just, just, you're getting there though.
Vafrus: one of these times.
Tanam: okay.
Okay.
Uh, Urekas, so you see this magic hand go over and yoink this purse from
someone, bring it over to Ruffort, and he then goes through the purse.
Are you saying anything during this process?
Vafrus: Does it inspire you to check your belongings at all?
Harmony: No, I am just excited for both of us because I love purses.
. What's inside?
Vafrus: Ohhhh.
Tanam: Well, there's someone else who is also interested in the purse.
Inside your mind, you hear the Prince, "You should give the purse to the
person who it truly belongs to."
Vafrus: Oh.
Easy.
Yeah.
I hand it over to the Urekas, no problem.
Don: So does Urekas own everything or just all purses?
Vafrus: I'm pretty sure this is Urekas's purse.
Screw that other idea.
Thank you, Prince, for, for helping me see the, the, the path to-
Rozafeen: I'm sure that's what the Prince meant.
Vafrus: yeah.
No.
Here you go, Urekas, no problem.
I got you this purse.
Harmony: Thank you!
You are so.
smart.
Vafrus: I really am and good at understanding people, you know?
Tanam: And Princes.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Really good listener.
Super humble.
Everything.
Also, I have a hot girlfriend.
Rozafeen: Not that again.
You are like, "Oh, you guys tease me so much!" But you
just keep putting it out there.
Don: The only thing that's real about this is the punishment that you get.
Rozafeen: True.
Harmony: What's inside?
Tanam: Honestly, like, not that much money, a piece of slightly used hard
candy that wasn't rewrapped, is just kind of like sticking on the inside.
Harmony: Eww.
Don: That's a really nice way to put it.
"Slightly used."
Rozafeen: "Like new."
Vafrus: Like new, second hand, near mint condition gum!
Harmony: I dare Ruffort to eat it.
Vafrus: Sure, make a Persuasion.
I will resist with my Wisdom.
I got a total of zero.
Can you beat that?
Don: I mean, she gets a plus ten to everything.
Harmony: The Persuasion is only a plus five, which means eleven.
Vafrus: Yeah, I eat it.
How does it taste, DM?
Tanam: Um,
Vafrus: describe it in detail, Tanam, we need to know.
Tanam: Okay, so I said that it was mint, I guess.
Harmony: Mint and used.
Tanam: It's used mint, okay.
So you pop the slightly fuzzy mint because you have to pull it off of the-
Vafrus: It's, it's in the-
Tanam: purse.
In addition to, a pleasing mint flavor and a felty felt flavor,
there's also a savory there.
And you're guessing you're probably tasting whatever the drunk person had
for food when they last used the mint.
Vafrus: All right.
Tanam: It's a litte bit garlicky.
Don: Oh, just you want with mint.
Oh!
Vafrus: All right, so, Calumn will grimace.
Ruffort will just smile.
Because I can control my illusions separately from my face.
Tanam: I do think I'll make you make a Constitution check to avoid retching.
Vafrus: Retching?
Oh man, that bad.
Alright.
Hopefully it's a low DC.
Rozafeen: "Garlic and mint" were said, sir.
Vafrus: not bad.
Uh, right.
I got a 16, 15 with the crown.
Tanam: Yeah, you're good.
Vafrus: All right.
This, this is going so well.
This is practically a date.
Tanam: Okay.
you have eaten the mint, and no, you don't get to level up, based on that.
Vafrus: You're not taking advantage my ever so low Wisdom?
Harmony: I think It's interesting!
Vafrus: Alright, so, uh, yeah, this is going great, we're having a party, this
is apparently how partying works, I've never really had friends before, so I
don't know, but, like, seems like it.
Rozafeen: That was a character based thing, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Calumn, that's not me.
Tanam: "Totally, totally not me."
Vafrus: I, I know what parties you're like, I have friends, I
have friends, I promise, guys!
Harmony: Sure.
Just like your girlfriend.
Don: Yeah, just like you have a girlfriend.
Rozafeen: I have friends, I have a girlfriend, uh-huh.
Tanam: Awww
Vafrus: awww
Tanam: okay, so, Ruffort has just eaten this mint.
Is smiling, and-
Vafrus: "Seems like it went so well. You want to do that ten
more times, Harmony?" Sorry.
"Urekas?"
Harmony: I'm intrigued!
Vafrus: I'm sure nothing will go wrong the more I do this.
Harmony: I don't want you to eat everything in the purse!
Don: Eat the whole purse, do it!
Harmony: I mean, if you're hungry, we can grab food.
Vafrus: Ooh, that sounds like even more of a date than what we're currently doing.
Yes we should grab food.
Harmony: We can call that a date!
Tanam: Are you saying that out loud or is this-
Vafrus: I think I intended to say it in my mind, but because the
crown makes me a little bit wobbly, it actually came out of my mouth.
So yeah, you're like, "we can get food," and I'm like, "that would
make this even more of a date.
Yes!"
Harmony: "We can call it a date," is what I say.
Vafrus: Excellent!
Oh, I'm on, I'm, I'm giddy.
I'm on cloud Intern.
This is amazing.
Sorry Tanam, know, I know, you don't like it when I say that sort of stuff.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: Justice looks at both of you, shakes her head, and back to the hotel.
Hard pass.
Don: Now you don't even have a chaperone.
Vafrus: no, chaperone, we're gonna get so drunk, even though she's
trying to hold a concentration spell.
This is going to be so good.. Only good decisions from here on.
Harmony: Oh no!
How long do I have to hold concentration for?
Don: Eight hours.
Vafrus: Yeah, eight hours is like when it stops mattering, but like-
Harmony: So if-
Vafrus: you-
Tanam: been, like, three hours, so five more hours if you want the full effect.
You don't have to, like, just as soon as you stop-
Vafrus: that's when we're not safe anymore.
Tanam: that's when the- that's when the Sorceress starts hunting for you.
Rozafeen: You don't have to keep us safe.
Harmony: If I fall asleep, does the concentration spell go away?
Vafrus: yep,
Harmony: So if I go on the date, I can still concentrate,
right, and be on my date?
Okay, well then, let's go out!
Vafrus: Oh, amazing, my dreams come true!
I look around to try to see the, the, whatever I can
find that looks dately to me.
Tanam: okay.
Let me go back through and find-
Vafrus: any, any, food venders that look like they're of sufficient fanciness, or-
Tanam: So last time at night, there was a food vendor- like a snacks
vendor- next to the wind chimes place.
Vafrus: Yeah, the wind chimes place.
We can steal wind chimes.
That's extra hard, because they jingle.
Tanam: Beeb is unfortunately closed at this hour..
Harmony: Dangit!
can we make a food inside Beeb's place without Beeb?
Vafrus: This sounds like actually fun date idea.
Let's do it.
Tanam: Okay, so you are going to break into Beeb's
Don: no.
Vafrus: Like I said, only good ideas from here, folks.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I'm still injured from like our battle.
That's like part of this.
Harmony: Oh yeah, I forget, what's your injury?
Vafrus: You know, I don't remember, I think I got hit by,
like, a lizard or something.
got bit or some such.
Tanam: Yeah, or a spell or something, I don't think the rocks hit anybody.
Vafrus: Must have been lizard, because I successfully stopped, like, the
only spell that she tried to cast.
Alright, yeah, so we try to break into the place.
Tanam: Wait a second!
We need to step back for a moment, you guys were not traveling alone.
Vafrus: Oh yeah!
we, we have some friends
Rozafeen: I mean, I assumed they went back to the hotel.
Vafrus: yeah
Don: figured,
Tanam: yeah, well, I mean, Teep probably went with Tagak to Tagak's house.
They probably peeled off from the group as you got closer to the Gambling Hall.
Tagak lives a little bit off from the party area.
Yeah, so, okay, they're gone.
Do you, in fact, have follower chaperones coming along with you?
Harmony: Uh, just, oh, only three.
Tanam: The same, the same three?
Harmony: Well, we, we had seven before, four of them went to bed.
Vafrus: The chosen three get to come on the date.
Tanam: Okay.
I don't know why I keep on thinking that there was only three.
Like, it's seven, and every time you guys tell me it's seven.
When you all first met, there were only like three hanging out.
Harmony: I've been getting more popularity as been talking.
Tanam: okay, maybe the four just go to sleep outside the window of your hotel?
Is that like the-
Vafrus: Oh, these people are even sadder than me.
Harmony: Ah, no they're not sad, they just don't care for martial
possessions like beds or cots.
Um, yes, they are sleeping outside the door.
Vafrus: I make sure to tell them that if they find a pile of sheets outside
my door, they have to leave that alone.
Those are mine.
Harmony: They don't want to touch your sheets.
Tanam: They're all dispensed except for the three that are hanging out, and
so you have this idea that you want to go break into Beeb's.
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Tanam: Do you go through the Hall or do you go around over to Beeb's?
Harmony: Oh, what do you think?
Vafrus: Go through the Halls, see how, I mean, it's beautiful inside, right?
Let's check out the sights.
Harmony: Okay, let's just be quiet while we do it.
Vafrus: Proffer my arm.
uh huh,
Harmony: Oh, okay.
I touch his bicep.
Vafrus: It's, like, considerably smaller than it should feel through the
illusion for the first time, and, like, you know, it's a, it's a it's an arm,
it's a pretty normal arm, but it looks like it should be considerably larger.
Harmony: Thought it
Vafrus: was
Harmony: gonna be a firm mattress, but it's really soft.
Vafrus: Yes, exactly.
Tanam: I'm gonna be right back, I'm gonna get some water.
Harmony: Yeah, for sure.
Don: the best compliment I could ever receive is "your
arm is like a soft mattress." I
Vafrus: Don.
Just because you had to do remedial pushups doesn't mean you're a weakling.
You're okay.
We love you.
Rozafeen: It means you're snuggly.
Don: I mean, at least somebody's touching my arm, that helps.
Tanam: okay, back.
Vafrus: So, uh, Urekas killed me.
I have to make a new character now.
Harmony: But he died happy.
Rozafeen: yeah what a way to
Vafrus: was, it was worth it though.
Yeah, totally.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I realized way too late, like, that my illusion does
not, like, handle arm holding.
Tanam: Are you going to try to counter that with Major Illusion, or?
Vafrus: on how she reacts.
Like, does she do anything?
Does she tell me I'm like a soft mattress?
Harmony: Wait, wait, what do you mean by you don't react to arm holding?
Like, what do you do?
Vafrus: no, no, no.
I'm, I'm, I'm, like, very excited about the arm holding.
What I haven't yet reacted to is the realization that my arm
looks and feels very different.
Like your hands are visibly sinking into my purple cloak.
Harmony: Oh, so you're wondering if I'm, if I can hold a poker face too.
I was expecting this, um,
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm wondering what, like you have discovered positive proof
that I'm wearing an illusion.
What do you do about that?
Harmony: you know, I have a neutral to semi-smile, and my eyes look a little
bit dead, but I'm not saying anything.
Rozafeen: So basically it's a bad date.
Vafrus: Alright.
I feel great about myself.
Just continue on.
Tanam: So you head in the grand door arm in, you know, kinda arm.
There's still quite a few people in the Hall.
You can see the desk where the items are brought to get in line for the mirrors.
There is someone there who has an old boot, and they're trying
to hand the old boot to the guy, and the person very clearly does
not- want to accept the old boot.
Vafrus: Wish I had any spells left.
I could really mess with these people, alright.
Harmony: I have some money.
He could put that inside the boot and then gamble with it.
Is that the issue?
Tanam: You can put anything in the mirrors, and so I don't know
that it's necessarily that they're being stopped from gambling the old
boot, I think it's just that the person doesn't want to touch it.
Vafrus: They really need someone with Mage Hand to man this station.
Could I
Rozafeen: One?
One old boot?
Vafrus: Have one single old boot?
Look, they need this, in case it goes bad, they need the other one.
How else are they going to get home?
See, they're thinking smart.
Harmony: That's a good point.
Tanam: Is it though?
But apart from that it's just the normal folks around who are putting
in bets about how the various items will do and nothing beyond that.
Harmony: Okay, I think we can blend in.
I think we can make some pancakes.
I'm being confident.
Tanam: So you head out the back door of the hall.
it's a less used door at this time of night because there's not
really much going on over here.
And yeah, Beeb's is there, locked up for the night.
Vafrus: Does this look like the kind of door that could be opened from the inside?
Tanam: It was locked up from the outside, so I think it's a wooden gate
sort of thing, locked in a couple of places and comes off and can get
turned sideways and pushed back into the back of the shop or whatever.
Vafrus: Do you know how to deal with locked doors?
Harmony: Uh, maybe?
Vafrus: Let's see.
Oh, I have thieves' tools.
I'm going to try to pick the lock.
Harmony: Okay!
Tanam: When you open your pack to go looking for thieves'
tools, you are reminded that you have a bunch of gold plates.
Vafrus: Ah, perfect for eating off of.
We're halfway there.
All right.
Okay,
Harmony: Like, can I use my nails?
My nails combined with Sleight of Hand?
Tanam: Yes, you can try that.
Harmony: oh, I rolled a three, but my Sleight of Hand is five?
Tanam: okay, It just doesn't work.
it's not a, uh, abysmal failure.
You don't break the nail.
Harmony: Okay, that's the next question.
Tanam: You stick your nail in the thing and wiggle it around a bit.
And you maybe hear a little bit of eh, maybe, but, nah,
it doesn't seem to be working.
Vafrus: I'm gonna search the followers, see if they have anything I can, use.
If they don't, then I'll start looking at, like, passerbys, or, you know, any I'm
not gonna go too far from Urekas, though.
I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna leave her here.
Tanam: Okay, roll a Perception check.
Vafrus: Sure, I'm great at those, I'm sure, you know.
Eh, so far, luck is holding, sort of.
Uh, 12.
Tanam: And give me a, uh, a Wisdom check.
Vafrus: You're just gonna milk me for rolls until I get a bad one.
Here we go, there's your- there's a 3.
Ha
Tanam: Excellent.
Okay, so you definitely see something, and it does not
strike you at all as a bad idea.
You see a person walking by... so I guess first off, you guys are standing in front
of a closed shop, poking at it, so I'd like you both to roll a Deception check.
Harmony: Okay, but we're looking really good while we poke at it.
Vafrus: I got a 22.
Harmony: Um, I got a 28.
Tanam: Oh wowwww.
Okay so you guys are totally not breaking in there.
You're supposed to be there.
Vafrus: Yeah, I actually look like Beeb.
Don: You guys look aso good outside of that shop, people like stop, and
they're like, Oh, I'm so so sorry, I can I get, like, a drawing, like,
a little sketch for my art book?
Tanam: Someone walks by, nods to you-
Vafrus: Seriously, if you and I were smart enough to, like, have brought any
tools, we would be so good at crimes.
Harmony: I, I signed the autograph of the person who walked by.
Tanam: You see that they have, hanging from their
belt, some keys and some, like-
Vafrus: Keys!
That's we need!
Why didn't I think of that?
Ha ha ha I'm gonna steal all their keys!
Harmony: Let's do it!
Vafrus: Yeah, this is great.
Same plan as before.
What could go wrong?
Tanam: Okay, so you're grabbing grabbing it with a magical hand?
Vafrus: Mmm-hmm
Tanam: ahead and roll me a yoink.
Vafrus: Alright.
Uh, a little worse than before, but still pretty good.
18.
Tanam: Yeah, you manage to pick them up quietly and bring them over to you.
And then I'm going to have you, go ahead and roll that weird check.
Vafrus: Yes.
oh yes.
four now.
So I got a 14, now it's up to 5.
Tanam: Okay, cool.
Harmony: Wait, you're rolling again?
Like, wait, what's it for?
Vafrus: Because I have tainted myself with hot rock stuff, my magic can go wildly
wrong, and eventually will, for sure.
Harmony: okay.
Tanam: Every time he does magic, it gets a little bit more likely.
Harmony: Oh wow, okay.
Vafrus: Everything is good, there's no problems here.
There was going to be a whole social interaction if that didn't work
out, but no need, I got it, alright.
Tanam: The person continues on.
Vafrus: And I steal all the keys, like, I've, I'm like-
Tanam: The whole ring?
Vafrus: Oh yeah, like.
Tanam: Okay, Urekas is not privy to that this is going to happen.
You see Ruffort gesture a bit, and the keys get grabbed by a magic
hand and spirited over to Ruffort.
So the thing that you notice, Urekas, that, Ruffort definitely did not
notice, was that the person was a guard?
Harmony: Oh nooooo!
Tanam: But good news, they didn't notice.
Harmony: Oh!
Ruffort, you don't know your power!
Tanam: You have successfully stolen this poor guard's keys.
Harmony: No, I just noticed I wait for the guard to walk off.
I'm not gonna say anything, but-
Tanam: Do you smack him a bit to stop him from trying the keys?
Like,
Harmony: No, I put my hands over my mouth so I don't scream.
"That was a guard!"
Tanam: Okay, the guard is around the corner now.
Harmony: Okay, I'm just kind of hyperventilating a little bit.
Tanam: Roll a Perception check, Ruffort, to see if you notice that
your date is hyperventilating?
Vafrus: Pretty good for me, that's 11.
Tanam: Okay, and Urekas, I'd like you to roll a Constitution check, to see
if you can maintain concentration.
Harmony: Okay, um, Twelve.
Tanam: Yeah, 12 is fine.
Vafrus: All right, can I now add "makeshift thieves'
tools" to my inventory?
Tanam: Makeshift thieves' tools, slash...,
Don: All keys to the city.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: This is great, I'm such an asset.
, Don: Well, half of that was true.
Vafrus: I've just put the phrase "all the keys" on my sheet.
All the keys to the kingdom!
What power we have now!
Anyway, you mentioned some of them might be good lockpicking tools.
I'll try couple of keys first, just to see, like, maybe they're similar enough.
Tanam: The Prince says inside of your head, "My dark servant. Don't,
don't break into this building."
Vafrus: Oh yeah.
No, obviously I'm way ahead of you.
That's why I got the key, so I don't have to break in.
No problem.
Don: Flawless logic.
Rozafeen: I'm with you.
Vafrus: I to open the door with my keys that I have my keys.
Tanam: You try a few keys, hoping to get lucky and, uh, you're not.
Vafrus: All right, I'll come up with, you know, is there anything on
here that can be used as a lockpick?
I'll try to pick the lock if I can.
Tanam: You can definitely improvise a lockpicking tool,
since you do have that proficiency.
Vafrus: What am I rolling here?
Tanam: Just yoink.
Vafrus: Okay.
Total of 13 for yoink.
Tanam: Yeah.
I mean, they're not super fancy locks, so-
Vafrus: I'm a hero!
Everything I touch turns to success!
The next tool I was gonna use was Eldritch Burst, so this probably better.
Tanam: I just realized that we lost a thread.
Urekas was freaking out, and you noticed.
She is still maintaining concentration, but she's still freaking out.
So, I'll say that you went ahead and you picked it, and then you turned to her
and noticed that she was freaking out.
Vafrus: She thinks I'm so cool!
Harmony: Oh no...
Vafrus: This is going so well!
I'll give a look over to the followers and be like, that's how it's done.
In we go!
Tanam: Is Urekas gonna go in?
Harmony: No, I'm kind of terrified.
My followers haven't noticed, the three of them are sitting in a triangle
and they're doing some kind of like a musical hand game they made up about me.
Vafrus: Really hoping that you'll notice someday.
Tanam: Ruffort, because you did make that Perception check earlier, you have noticed
that she's not following you in, despite how impressed you are sure that she is.
Okay, the locked thing was a, big flat piece of wood with the locks
on it that was stretched across the front to close off the stall.
What have you done with it?
Vafrus: Oh, you know, I'll just sort of push it out of the way.
I'm sure it's fine just sort of hanging out there.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: if she comes in, you know, maybe we'll close the door behind her,
but right, you know, like I'm sure she knows what she's doing out there
in the middle of the street in front of this door that's hanging open.
I'm so good at dates.
I'm sure she'll come in.
I, I use a light spell to Light up the room, which is another magic.
Tanam: it is.
Vafrus: That's a Nat 20, still safe.
and then I'll start trying to cook anything.
I don't know how to cook anything, so, you know, I'll just start
messing with whatever I can find.
Tanam: So kind of just like rooting through the- the cabinets?
Vafrus: Yep, gonna make a gourmet feast here, which is probably gonna be just
like cooked rice that's flavored into different flavors with Prestidigitation.
Tanam: You're going to find food, so you find mostly ingredients.
There's some fresh fruit and some vegetables.
stuff like that.
Vafrus: I'll use magic to start the fire again.
That's another roll.
There we go!
There's a two!
Tanam: HA!
Okay.
So you hear from inside, Urekas, Ruffort is doing some more magic, starts a fire,
and then- I'll have you roll a d100...
Vafrus: all right.
An' I got a 46.
Tanam: 46.
Vafrus: Pretty good.
I'm about to get way more charming.
Tanam: Okay, do you know that this happened?
Vafrus: Of course not, I don't know what's going on!
Tanam: Yep, okay.
Vafrus: Tanam, you gonna make the call right now.
Do we tell the group what it does, or do we just let them figure it out?
Tanam: I'll, I'll put it open to everyone.
Vafrus: I have been mildly cursed.
Do you want to figure it out?
Or just, know?
Don: I'm good either way.
Vafrus: Doesn't matter that much.
They'll figure it out in like, one minute.
Don: It's not like a complicated curse?
Tanam: No, it's very much not a complicated curse.
Don: Like, it's only divisible by three when you're cursed.
If you speak with words with three syllables, sometimes
they come out all garbled.
Uh, but sometimes we can't tell just cause it's you talking.
It's one of those, right?
Tanam: Well, with no other opinions on it, then we will
just let it come out as it does.
Vafrus: So yeah, I'm in there, trying to cook food.
Probably leaning heavily on Prestidigitation to like, come up
with something that's palatable.
Harmony: I would like waffles.
Vafrus: Ooh, a request!
Okay, so I take the rice I was boiling and start tryin to
make it into waffles somehow.
Don: heard rice cakes but rice waffles?
Um,
Vafrus: I'm so good at dates.
Harmony: You are good at dates.
This is the best date I've been on in a while.
Rozafeen: Oh honey, that's so sad.
Harmony: In a long while.
Vafrus: You, you okay there, Don?
Your, your face just did a thing.
Don: I just-
Harmony: Oh, does Don have emotions?
Don: you know what?
I will restrain from commenting on this.
Harmony: No, please, go ahead.
Unlike the time you ghosted me, I would love to hear what you have to say.
Don: Oh, now you want to hear what I have to say.
Harmony: I have wanted to hear this this whole time.
Don: Well, maybe you should have actually given it a shot and then
maybe we would still be dating instead of you just being mean to me all the
time and me feeling bad about it.
Harmony: I should have given you a shot?
You ghosted me, what, you wanted me to beg?
Don: No, I just thought that- I, I don't know.
I, I don't want to get into this right now.
Harmony: You know what, same.
Vafrus, I'm having a lovely time.
I would love more rice.
Rozafeen: I would love more popcorn, dang.
Tanam: sorry, guys?
Don: No, no, this had been a long time coming.
It's just, I don't want to deal with it with other people around.
Something.
Harmony: You didn't want to deal with it with me around.
Don: Oh man, and I never want to deal with it again!
Rozafeen: Well, apparently we're all gonna deal with it, so strap in.
Don: Yeah, maybe we could, I don't know, take a page out of Rozafeen's book-
Harmony: By the way, there is no "we," but continue.
Don: Yes, there is no "we," I've noticed.
Tanam: There's no "we" in team.
Don: Yeah, there's no team in us.
I don't know how this works.
Harmony: Okay, you're taking a page out of-
Don: Out of Rozafeen's book, and, you know, maybe, uh, we
should just start the game.
We should just play the game that we came here to play.
Rozafeen: Oh my god, I'm so torn right now.
Hearing literally anyone else say that feels so good.
Don: Great, let's get-
Rozafeen: wait, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but- Harmony, if you got
ghosted, how are you guys talking now?
Don: It's a long story.
Harmony: Don,
Don: do you
Harmony: want to explain it?
Don: Soooo.
We used to date a little bit, and I, took Harmony out, um, on a date that I
thought was gonna be really fun, um, you know, we went somewhere special, and it
just turned out to be a big disaster.
And, we got kinda stranded for a bit, and, uh, and then, we didn't,
I didn't, I felt so bad I didn't kind of talk for a while, and-
Harmony: Yeah, that was nice.
Don: I bet it was.
Rozafeen: I shouldn't laugh, I shouldn't laugh.
Don: Look, you've all been on bad dates, and we all feel bad about some things
that we've done in our life, okay?
Harmony: Yeah, but so bad that I'm stuck here?
Stranded?
Rozafeen: Wait, what?
Wait, well, okay, first of all, let me just say, there are very few things that I
feel bad about in my life, and I recommend that everybody adopt that approach.
Your head hits the pillow and you just go right to sleep.
It's easier, it's cleaner.
Harmony: Yeah, if you do want to write a self help book
for Don, that would be great.
Don: You already tried.
Vafrus: Wait, wait, no, I think I've seen that.
That's for- you're the Don?
Don: Yeah, I'm
Vafrus: the
Don: Don.
also, why do you know about that?
It was a worst-seller.
'cuz it was all advice specifically for me.
Vafrus: It was, yeah, no, it's like, What was it called?
is like... "Dating Advice for Losers Named Don." Yeah.
Tanam: Harmony, I didn't know that you wrote that!
That was really good!
Don: How is it that you all know that this book exists?
No one knows that this exists.
Rozafeen: I need a copy of this book right now.
Don: no.
Harmony: I will sign a copy and send it to you.
Rozafeen: Amazing!
So, did like, okay, but getting back to... you are both here.
So somehow he started talking again.
Did your love of D& D just like overcome your relationship
and book publishing issues?
Don: So, You know what?
Harmony, you want to take this one?
How do we get back together?
No, really, back together, sorry.
Harmony: You wish.
Don: No, I really don't.
Harmony: Oh, yeah, you haven't read the book, then, because you do.
Don: Why would I read that book?
It was trash, even for me.
Rozafeen: A whole chapter on all the different types of sex Don would have got.
Don: I not know that there was that chapter.
Maybe I should read the book.
Harmony: Yeah, maybe you should listen to me.
Don: I'm kidding, I'm not reading your stupid book.
Harmony: Well, then, we're not getting back together.
Don: I know.
Harmony: Okay, great, you learned something.
Uh, yes, I love D& D. Um, I demanded Don play with us because we needed
another person and Don owes me.
Don: Yep, true so far.
Rozafeen: And surprisingly that vibe has worked.
Vafrus: Yeah, actually sort of explains a lot.
Oh, you got to read the book, Don.
Rozafeen: We're all going to read the book.
Vafrus: All right, next session we're just gonna all read the book together.
Don: Yes, fine.
Maybe we can do that instead of play the damn
Vafrus: Oh yeah,
Rozafeen: No!
Don: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean to
steal your schtick, Rozafeen.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, yeah, Rozafeen, you wanna, you wanna take us off again?
Rozafeen: Yeah, okay, okay, this has been fun, but really, let's play the game.
Vafrus: Okay, so,
Harmony: Thank you, Vafrus.
I'm having the best.
You look so strong mmm.
Don: Wow,
Vafrus: That,
Tanam: I think I'm, I think I'm on Rozafeen's side.
Vafrus: uh,
Tanam: I, I have a lot of things to process right now.
I understand that you guys also do as well, but, I mean,
it was a really good book.
it hasn't worked so well, but I guess my name's not Don, so...
Don: Maybe it hasn't worked because it's advice for literally one person
who maybe did a few things wrong.
Harmony: We can all learn from your mistakes.
Don: Okay.
Rozafeen: Okay, I propose next time we get a short reading from
Harmony of her favorite section.
Harmony: That would be lovely.
Don: Fine.
Tanam: Okay.
As long as it's not going to- I mean, I would say that, I did not know that
you had been like, dragged here, Don, but, you know, thanks for coming.
I- I I enjoy your playing.
Don: I mean, look, Harmony's not all bad.
She knew I was gonna enjoy it, she just had to apply a little pressure.
Harmony: That's one of the nicest things you've ever said about me.
Don: Yeah.
Oh, you're kind of an okay person.
I just don't like being reminded all the time by a book.
Harmony: Is it because you don't like reading?
Because I can record an audio version and send that to you.
Don: I hate you.
So much.
Harmony: Let's play the game.
Rozafeen: let's play the game!
Tanam: Okay.
Yeah.
Good plan.
Vafrus: Okay, I was tryin to make rice into waffles somehow.
Harmony: I'm having kind of a bad day, can you put a smiley face in the waffles?
I'm very scared right now.
Don: I'm having kind of a bad day now-
Rozafeen: let's play the game!
- - Don: after hearing yer gonna make rice waffles.
Vafrus: So I, you know, smiling and like, "course I can put a smiley face,
do you want to make something of it?"
Harmony: Wait, make something of it?
Like a puppet?
What?
Vafrus: I get kind of this weird look on my face and I'm like, "yeah, a puppet,
you want to make something of it?"
Harmony: Okay, that would take like six waffles, but yes.
Oh, that's a lot of waffles.
Okay, I'm going back to hyperventilating.
Vafrus: Oh no, for first time Ruffort notices that perhaps
this is not going perfectly.
Tanam: Are you staying outside and hyperventilating?
Or are you following him in and hyperventilating inside?
Harmony: I was outside.
This goes against my better judgment.
I am going inside in the same room.
Tanam: Do you leave the door and the random board just kinda open?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: So, I start, like, mumbling to myself, like, really quietly, as
if I'm like, mad about something.
Harmony: Are you okay?
Vafrus: I look really alarmed that it's my turn to speak now and just
sort of like, nod happily at you.
Big smile on my face.
Harmony: Oh, that's reassuring.
Vafrus: Now that Ruffort is silent, like, all kinds of shenanigans don't happen.
Tanam: oh, that's interesting, so, does Prestidigitation have a verbal component?
Vafrus: Oh, oh, I'm sure it does.
Let's make sure though.
Uh, yep, verbal and somatic.
Tanam: Does Ruffort continue to try to use it for the cooking purposes?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, so every time I cast a spell, to try to make the food
better, there's like this, another like really angry mumble that comes afterward.
Harmony: Ruffort, was that you or the puppet?
Vafrus: Uhhhhh... "I don't know what to say. Do you want to make something of it?"
Harmony: Like another puppet?
Yes?
Vafrus: Mm hmm.
I'm starting to be like, horrified, I'm like, oh no, I've been cursed or
something, and I'm out of all of my good magic, yeah, we're just, just gonna-
nope, we're gonna lean into it, now, you know, you've probably figured out
what's going on, but now every time I say, "Do you want to make something of
it?" I try to do it, like, sensually.
Harmony: How many sensual waffles do we have right now?
Vafrus: I need
Harmony: a
Vafrus: roll.
DM, how is my cooking going?
Tanam: Oh man.
Um, okay.
Vafrus: Understanding that I am, like, dead tired and pretty drunk.
Tanam: yeah.
Not to mention, like, getting increasingly frustrated with your
inability to form polite sentences.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
Tanam: And, like, royally fucking up your date, which was going perfect before.
Vafrus: yeah, yeah.
Obviously, I'm great, and whatever's happening now is the problem.
Tanam: I don't even know if there's a roll here, I think your cooking is just bad.
Uh, unless, unless you, like, presumably you've been on the road for a bit, but
you were always on the Bridge, right?
Vafrus: I mean, I had cross, like, most of a continent to get to the Bridge, so,
like, I've been, I've been traveling for a while, but I, I mean, cooking, that's
for, like, you know, working people.
You know, I've seen it done, therefore I assume it must be easy,
but, like, never you know, spent time trying to learn this craft.
Tanam: Yeah, okay.
You don't even know how bad they are.
So, the cooking is going great.
Vafrus: Excellent
Don: So you're so bad at cooking that you've actually
never even tasted food before.
Vafrus: Yeah, so I understand that, like, salt is good in
food, so I use up all of that.
All that they have.
Tanam: Are you paying close attention to this, Urekas?
Harmony: I am hyperventilating, so it's kinda a blur.
Tanam: I'm gonna have you roll another Constitution check.
Vafrus: I've realized that when you get the, like, rice
hot enough, it turns crunchy.
And so I'm, like, really leaning into that, you know, because
that's more like a waffle.
Harmony: Uh, I'm sorry, am I rolling Constitution or
is our amazing chef rolling?
Tanam: You.
Harmony: Okay.
Five,
Tanam: That's gonna fail.
Vafrus: My cooking is so bad I broke a spell.
Tanam: And she hasn't even tasted it yet!
. In the midst of your hyperventilation, you realize suddenly that you
forgot to keep the spell going.
Somewhere, you are realizing, the Sorceress is probably very
upset and on her way back.
Harmony: Ohhhh no.
Vafrus: Don't worry, we're in the very last place she'll ever look.
Harmony: Beeb's?
Tanam: Yeah, like, next door to her daughter's lover's, store.
Harmony: Okay, I'm pulling myself together, I don't want
to hurt Ruffort's feelings.
Um, that his cooking made me break the curse.
I'm gonna try one of the waffles.
Vafrus: Alright.
Here's the thing they are flavored by magic.
So the texture is gonna be whatever it is.
The presentation is gonna be very Ruffort.
But the flavor, that's all magical powers, you know, masking the horrors.
So just keep that in mind as you narrate what happens next.
LAUGHING
Tanam: well, I'm mostly concerned about Urekas, who has just lost concentration
because she was hyperventilating, has now realized that she has lost the
spell, and that the Sorceress is on her way back, and I'm curious about if this
causes Urekas to stop hyperventilating?
Harmony: Yeah, it's one of those things, you know, I don't like to brag about
myself, but, you know, have you ever been in two crises at once that are just so bad
you have to focus and go into logic mode?
Tanam: Okay, okay, so the second crisis kind of, like, just kicks it over the
edge, and now Urekas is tunnel focused.
Harmony: Exactly.
I mean, I'm feeling embarrassed that I was even hyperventilating in the first
place when I have a real problem, and now I'm feeling like this party needs a hero.
Tanam: Okay.
Can I get a Wisdom roll?
Harmony: Uh, ooh!
Okay, um, I got a 20, oh, plus one, 21.
Tanam: Nice, and that's a nat 20 , so, okay, you are, like, the most focused,
to the point where I think actually you're gonna get advantage on, like,
anything that requires focusing in the next, some, some amount of time.
Harmony: Does that mean I can, uh, put the thing back on the sorcerer
so she forgets, or are we are we in?
Tanam: That's a once, once it's gone, it's gone.
I was, I was thinking briefly about letting you have it back, but, uh,
no, I think that's a one way Bridge.
Just gotta keep going forward.
Harmony: Okay.
Don: I mean, if the Sorceress does come back, you can always just tell her to
go away for another thousand years.
Eight hours.
Tanam: A thousand years for eight hours.
Don: You say that like it makes sense.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: I sound like your mom.
I'm trying to turn off my camera, but it won't work.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: People get really tired after yoinking all night.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Does this ass make me look camel?
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: let me share my screen.
It's just a giant picture of, like, the Ghostbusters sign.
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: does this ass make me look ass?
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
The Boss: pancakes in the middle of the goddamn night
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find more of their work, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
The Boss: Take Beeb for instance.
I feel for the guy.
I really do.
The Intern: content warning for this episode, I guess?