The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
I'm your host, The Intern, and today we're talking about the game.
Based on the checks our players have been rolling, I figured they'd
been playing plain old D&D, but in today's episode they level up, and
it is not exactly like our D&D.
So, I used the chronoscope again to get some background
about what they're playing.
For the record, this was legitimate and work related.
I found out that there was someone named Donovan Makxat who invented
the game, and now the person who runs the game- so Tanam in our case-
is called the "DM" in her honor.
Their game is called "Empires and Small But Important Struggles," but its name
in Lonyu is Dinatkenet Nu-Daθkəta, which fancy people shorten to Din
Nu-Daθ, and lazy people shorten to D&D.
Are you as excited about that coincidence as I am?
I'm gonna assume you answered yes.
Well, when Donovan was making the game, tensions were high between
the Lonyu Empire and Klaoil, not to mention the Lyndig and the remnants
of the Hedios Empire, which had just collapsed into a bunch of city states.
So D&D was a way to help people connect with the folks around them,
and to help players feel powerful and important, in a time when
feeling that way was really rare.
It's weird, how some things never change.
Well, let's settle in and think like Donovan Makxat.
On with the show!
Tanam: Hi everybody.
How you doing?
Vafrus: Hey.
Harmony: Hello.
Don: Heyy.
Tanam: Oh, no.
I can't hear you again, Rozafeen.
Crushing bean, not this again.
Vafrus: Oh, and then she's, oh, can't see her either.
Tanam: Oh, wait, wait.
Oh, oh, oh, wait.
Hold on.
I read about this.
I think- I think there's something I can do on my end since I'm the one
who initiated, um, Uh, hold on, let me, there's a thing over here and-
Vafrus: oh- Tanam's gone.
Don: I think we just lost both of them.
Harmony: Oh no.
Vafrus: I hate it when that happens.
I. Well, they'll probably come back in a minute.
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: Tanam probably just turned his off.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: We can still see the table.
Vafrus: I mean he's got two, right?
He can he'll-
Don: Oh yeah.
We, we
Vafrus: one of thems gonna work, he can use it to like signal to us.
Harmony: Oh, those cost so much money.
Vafrus: I'm not seeing anything though.
Harmony: I mean, mine's always worked.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: Yeah, it's probably because, uh, your spiritual connection is so strong.
Harmony: Uh-huh!
That's what I've been saying.
Thank you!
Don: Mm-hmm.
Harmony: for hearing
Don: You're welcome.
Vafrus: It's really, really pretty weird, they haven't come back though.
Harmony: Do you think it's because of the storm?
Vafrus: Oh, uh, No, what storm are you talking about?
Don: Yeah.
What storm?
Harmony: Oh, uh, just, I, I'm very sensitive to these things.
Like a magic storm.
Vafrus: Oh, like an ether storm?
Harmony: Yeah.
Yeah.
That.
Don: Look, it's just a storm.
Vafrus: Yeah, that could be an ether storm.
There's, there's all kinds of things going on that are, you know, hard
to detect without magic and stuff.
Yeah.
There could be like an ether storm that knocked out both of them.
Kind of weird that ours are still working, though.
Don: Yeah, 'cause that's not a thing.
Vafrus: It is too a thing!
Don: No, it's just a normal storm and people are like, "oh, it's
so ethereal. Let's call it an ether storm." It's wind and rain.
Tanam: Okay, I'm back.
Harmony: hi!
Don: Oh welcome back.
See?
Wind, rain.
Tanam: What?
Vafrus: Did you defeat the storm, Tanam?
Tanam: What?
Harmony: Did you defeat the storm?
Tanam: Um, no?
Harmony: Say yes.
Tanam: Yes?
Vafrus: You didn't defeat the storm, that means there's still a storm.
Q. E. D. We win.
Tanam: Oh, okay.
Is Rozafeen still not back?
Vafrus: No, we haven't heard from her.
Don: No.
Rozafeen: What about now?
Vafrus: Oh!
Hey, Rozafeen!
Don: Oh hey.
Rozafeen: Ugh, finally.
Harmony: Hey
Tanam: Oh, hey, how you doing?
Rozafeen: Finally here!
Tanam: Okay.
Everybody's here.
Let's get started.
Does anyone remember where we were?
Vafrus: yeah.
Do we want to talk about that, or, negotiate our levels first?
Harmony: Ooh.
Tanam: I was thinking that the levels would happen while you're
traveling back through the desert.
Vafrus: Alright, yeah.
So, what happened last time was we wandered through a strangely
empty house that obviously no one had ever lived in before, and took
some legitimate salvage and, uh-
Don: I mean, the house was only mostly empty.
It had one complete recluse living in it.
Vafrus: Yes.
Don: That's what we're going with.
Vafrus: yes.
Tanam: heh
Vafrus: The complete recluse was interrupted by someone or other, nobody
remembers who, and told to vacate quickly before her mother comes and attacks for
some reason, yeah, yeah, for no reason, and, then, yeah, we left into the desert.
Not that we need to hurry, but we're hurrying anyway, and we're passing
without a trace, and we're intentionally trying to mask where we're going next.
Tanam: Didn't you go a little bit to the south?
Vafrus: Yep, yep, we went the wrong way for a while, and
then cast Pass Without a Trace.
Tanam: I think you also told the pile of rocks that you live in Klaoil.
Vafrus: Yup
Rozafeen: I think it's important to continue putting it on the record
that anything that we took from this house was lawfully confiscated
under order from the city and that there is a process and a procedure
for getting things back if needed.
Vafrus: That's true.
Oh yes, also, Ruffort got some new treasure.
Harmony: Ahg.
Don: I think, wait, did you not listen to anything she just said?
Vafrus: I wanna stress that this is all Tanam's fault, that I, Vafrus, would
have happily walked past that room again, but there was a Wisdom check,
and now there's a bunch of hot rocks, currently in Ruffort's pocket, but soon
to be scattered... we'll see where.
Harmony: We'll see.
Mm hmm, mm hmm.
Don: Oh this is not good.
Tanam: Okay, so those hot rocks are definitely having some
fun effects on Calumn already.
Vafrus: I'd probably put one in my mouth.
Just like, hmm, I don't know, it's not gold.
I don't know, What, what-
Tanam: what what, what does it taste like?
Hmm.
Yeah.
let's see.
So yeah, I got some ideas that I've gone over with Vafrus, and just
to let everybody else know, there will be some weirdness going on.
Don: Wait a minute, you said there'd be weirdness.
I don't know if I can really buy into that and I feel like we've
been very sane and reasonable.
Like, stealing a bunch of stuff from an old lady's house.
Harmony: They're not stealing, confiscating.
Don: yeah, I mean, legally confiscating stuff from an old lady's
house, definitely had it coming, and is gone for a thousand years.
Yeah, yeah, that.
exactly.
Everything has been above board up until now.
Harmony: She's gone for a thousand years.
She doesn't need it.
Tanam: Just keeping it safe.
Okay.
Don: tell that, or when she comes back in a thousand years, you let
her know that she didn't need it.
Harmony: Did you want me to say anything else?
Do you want me to tell her hello from you?
Don: No.
I'd like it if I didn't get mentioned.
Harmony: Okay.
Don: Very much so.
Vafrus: That's another important point.
Urekas has a concentration spell going, and it would be in our interest to
keep that going as long as we can.
Harmony: Mm hmm, so no shenanigans.
Don: I mean, the house was totally empty, what are you talking about?
It's just that anybody that used to live in that house that was definitely
empty the whole time should come get their stuff at the city because it was
confiscated for completely legal reasons.
That, yeah, okay, no, I'm, I'm there.
Harmony: yeah, we're heroes.
Don: Heroes.
Tanam: Okay.
While you are passing through the desert, heading off to the west having
hopefully thrown the returning Sorceress off your scent with very clever walking,
making big, strong tracks going south.
Vafrus: But first, like, north for a little while, because it took
us a second to think of that idea.
Harmony: Do you think my followers are covering our tracks?
Like, they're taking, you know, the sand and they're just
pushing it over the footsteps?
Vafrus: oh no no, we got magic on that job.
Harmony: Ah.
Rozafeen: I think there should be tracks a little bit north but just for a smidge and
then a big obvious track south and then like one person wanders west for a while
and then we pass without a trace and then go where we're really going.
Tanam: Well, west is where you were really going.
Rozafeen: Okay, then I meant to say "east."
Vafrus: I love that that, that happened too.
The tracks go west for like two steps and then east and like, "no, no, wrong way."
Don: We actually just created a big eight sided star in the sand.
I imagine it's sand, right?
It's a desert.
That's how deserts work.
You know- most deserts.
Harmony: Well, should we also write, "we died," just in case they
don't get it, next to the eight
Don: Yeah, like, below the big, like, star that we did, we write, "we died, nothing
happened," by spelling it out in the sand.
Harmony: and then a sad face.
Vafrus: And we spend six and a half hours doing this.
Don: I don't see how this could go wrong.
Tanam: Well if that isn't worth some levels, I don't know what is.
Harmony: We did it!
Don: It turns out you can get negative levels for just general stupidity.
Uh, who knew?
Vafrus: So we're tromping through the desert as, as quickly as we can.
Tanam: Yeah, and as you go Ruffort is attempting to drop hot rocks
into followers' mirror bags.
Vafrus: Uh huh.
I sure am.
Harmony: You're the worst.
Can't believe I smiled at you.
Tanam: Ever.
Harmony: Ever.
Vafrus: Tell you what, pay me back that hundred gold you owe me and I'll
consider doing something else with them.
Harmony: I'll do that later.
Vafrus: Uh huh, uh
Harmony: But I'll give you the I. O. U. now.
Vafrus: But then I'll drop the hot rocks off now, and then
pull them back later, however.
Don: Is there anybody that Urekas doesn't owe money to?
Harmony: To my followers.
Don: Like, other than me, I would never loan her anything.
Harmony: Are you sure about that?
I'm like, batting my eyelashes.
Don: Yeah, I'm freaking sure.
Rozafeen: The cheetah raises a paw.
Don: I knew you were wise.
Vafrus: Also, this conversation doesn't happen because I'm not revealing that I'm-
at least, I'm not intentionally revealing that I'm putting hot rocks in places.
We'll see if I reveal it.
Don: that's fair.
Vafrus: I'll kind of hang back like I'm tired, which is probably pretty
easy to act, since I'm probably tired.
I'll wait till a good moment when Urekas is telling a
really good story or something.
And then I'll just Magehand one of the pebbles into one of their mirror bags.
Harmony: Well, wait, okay, maybe I'm charming Ruffort, you know, to distract
him, but I feel like, honestly, I would probably be opening my mirror bag and then
just get distracted by how pretty I look, you know, because it's a bag of mirrors.
Vafrus: So I hold hot rocks on my person for an extra two hours
while I get charmed by Urekas.
Harmony: So we've been here for eight and a half hours.
Vafrus: Eventually remember, oh yeah, I was gonna get rid
of these for some reason.
Rozafeen: The Sorceress comes back and is like, "Why are you
putting hot rogs in people's bags?"
Tanam: She doesn't want to have anything to do with, you "WEIRDO!"
Vafrus: Because I start throwing hot rocks at her, I'm like, ahhh!
It's-
Harmony: She's like, "I can buy more stuff."
Vafrus: like, "oh, it's all dirty, you've all touched it. I don't want it anymore."
Rozafeen: "wow, you needed to steal bedsheets? I, I hurt for you
guys. Take them, you need them."
Tanam: Okay, okay, so, Ruffort: first roll will be a deception
check for nobody noticing that you're acting super suspicious.
Vafrus: Uh, that, counting my super cool crown bonus, is a 26.
Harmony: Unbelievable.
Tanam: Okay.
Okay.
Nobody notices.
So yeah, as Urekas, as you were occasionally looking into your mirror
bag and gazing at it and recognizing how awesome you look, in that moment,
you level up and gain some new powers.
Harmony: Oooo.
Vafrus: I should look at the mirror more often.
What have I been doing with my life?
Don: It turns out the way you level up is just by admiring yourself.
Except for we all know that that's not true, because otherwise
Urekas would be like level 30.
Tanam: so, what would you like for your level?
Harmony: Okay, I want instant outfit changes.
I have my mirror bag.
And I have... let's say 99 outfits inside of it-
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: and I can change outfits.
So, it could be, say, during a battle, " hey, nice to meet you."
"Oh, ma'am, nice to meet you.
You should get out of here." Oh, but they don't know it's me, right?
So I can attack them, and they're surprised.
Ooh, actually, speaking of battles, I can also show up different places in
that battle, because it's a different outfit, so I'm a different person.
Um, so if I wanted to, I could even dress like the Sorceress.
So if she comes for us, she's gonna be flattered, because imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.
Ooh, and my voice changes to be more threatening.
Tanam: Okay.
I think that, I was somewhat on board.
Uh, I liked the outfit changes.
And so is the idea here that you open up your mirrorbag and
magically transform outfits?
Harmony: Yeah, exactly.
Tanam: And, did you want this to be instant or like, at will?
heh.
Harmony: Yeah, instant, at will, "oh, I sneezed," no, no, that would make a noise.
Um, you know, maybe, like, they blink, but now I'm in a different outfit.
Tanam: I like it, but I think I'm gonna need some sort of limitation
on it in terms of like, um-
Vafrus: How about she can do it whenever I say it's okay?
Harmony: No, wow.
Tanam: What?
Vafrus: It's aaaa limitation.
Come on, I'm on your side.
Harmony: how dare you?
Rozafeen: I like "no-wow" as one word.
Don: No-wow, yeah, it's, see this whole time I thought she was just
hiding sneezing powder in her outfits.
It's just like, she changes, everybody sneezes, oh look, it's weird, she's in
a different outfit whenever I sneeze.
I-
Harmony: That would be great.
Yeah, every, all my enemies sneeze, and all my friends sneeze, why not?
Um-
Tanam: Okay, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
, no, sorry.
Vafrus, uh, it is in fact a limitation, but, um, no.
Vafrus: You should have fought harder for that Harmony.
That would have worked out well for you.
Tanam: um, so action is the currently going rate.
Don: it could be a bonus action.
Rozafeen: Bonus action sounds fair.
Vafrus: Yeah, like her whole turn.
I mean, I know changing outfits normally takes a minute, but like-
Don: Yeah, it's a combat change, so the bonus action is the change, and
then she gets surprise on the attack.
I mean, that's the only way to make it combat viable.
She can pull, I mean, I can show you right now, you can pull it
out of the mirror bag, you can put it back in the mirror bag.
How hard is this?
Rozafeen: It sounds like bonus hard.
Tanam: okay, bonus- bonus action it is.
Vafrus: I saw someone change their clothes as a bonus action, I'd be surprised.
Tanam: Okay.
So yeah.
Okay.
So yeah, let's talk about the mechanical effects here.
so you were saying something about going anywhere on the battlefield?
Harmony: Yeah, because it's a different outfit, so I'm a different person, right?
So, let's say, you know-
Vafrus: Wait, is that how you think outfits work?
Harmony: absolutely, it's called fashion!
Not that you would know, no offense.
Rozafeen: My clothes are me.
Harmony: Mmhmm.
Don: Wait, so if your clothes are you, and you change clothes and
then you aren't you, who are you?
Rozafeen: I'm a whole new woman is what just happened.
Don: Whoa.
Vafrus: You have like a name for every outfit?
Harmony: absolutely.
Rozafeen: Yeah, mine.
Vafrus: I am 80 different people that all have the same name.
What's so hard to understand about this?
Don: Actually, that makes a lot of sense for Urekas.
Rozafeen: No, really, I meant, I just call all of my outfits mine.
Tanam: I, I, I really enjoy that Vafrus is giving Urekas a hard time
about having different identities associated with an appearance.
Harmony: Yeah, I'm thinking, well, I can stand behind my enemies
with the different outfits.
So, let's say he's about to attack me, well, he doesn't suspect me
because I'm behind him, right, because I'm a different person.
We can add more exclamation points to my name, so different outfits, like
"Urekas!" with an exclamation point, different outfit, "Urekas!!" with two
exclamation points, right, completely different person, different tone, right?
Like, if somebody is just talking to you versus talking to you
with a lot of exclamation points like, it's different, you know?
Don: Hey, DM, can you make her be a little more creative than two exclamation points?
Tanam: I mean, it's like- teleporting to a different place on the battlefield
is a little bit much, but how about you are, like, surprising?
uh, how about disadvantage?
Harmony: Okay, I'll take disadvantage.
Tanam: Okay, and I'm gonna say just, you can surprise people during a combat once.
You can change outfits as many times as you want, but mechanical effect
where people go "what the heck?" and then drop their sword or whatever.
Harmony: So they wouldn't be surprised, even if it's a really cute outfit?
Tanam: So the first time it happens, they get disadvantage on their next
thing, and if, since it's a bonus action, if you quick change your outfit and
then do an action or something that they require as a save, they'll have
a disadvantage on that save, or you can have advantage on an attack.
So the next thing that they do, they'll do it badly.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: But then later on, I don't think that you can do that, like, every turn.
Maybe in the moment we can negotiate; if the outfit is sufficiently
cute, maybe you can do it twice.
Harmony: You know what?
It's fine.
Maybe they don't deserve to admire me that much anyway, so I'll take one.
Vafrus: Sorry, Harmony.
No one's that surprised when you wear a really cute outfit.
It's-
Harmony: Awww.
I forgive you, like, 20%.
Ooh,
Rozafeen: I think she should get a second surprise round if she's naked.
Tanam: moving on
Don: what, I'd give that one to her, cause like, you show
up to combat without any armor.
I mean, you know who you're talking to.
Uh, show up to combat without any armor, they are gonna be surprised.
Harmony: Yeah, they might drop their sword and just start painting me.
Maybe I can start peace.
Tanam: Okay, okay, that's your, uh, that's your level up ability.
I'm down for that.
Harmony: Thank you.
Vafrus: So you're saying all of us get the naked ability, right?
Don: That's just a thing from here on out.
You show up to, uh, an armored sword fight without any armor, or clothes, or nothing-
Rozafeen: Yeah the the naked is really the important part.
If they can see things that nobody should see on a battlefield,
at least while you're alive.
Harmony: They would be so surprised if we all disrobed at the same time.
Vafrus: This could be our signature move, guys.
Don: You know what, my next character's gonna be naked monk.
Vafrus: So depending on how excited you are about that Tanam, you can
either make sure Georg stays alive forever, orrrr you can TPK us, you know?
Rozafeen: I was originally joking, but my armor is not that good.
Tanam: Okay, so that happens, and along the way, Ruffort is attempting to
reverse pickpocket one of the followers.
They've got 'em slung over their backs.
Kind of mirror satchels.
Vafrus: And they're not all admiring themselves like
true disciples ought to be.
Harmony: Oh no, no, they can admire me.
Tanam: Yeah, they're, they're admiring Urekas admiring herself.
okay, so let's go for the first one.
So you're doing this with your magic hand.
Vafrus: Alright, so I'm gonna make a Yoink check?
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Can I- Can I have advantage since I have, like, hours to find a
good moment and nobody cares about me?
I passed my Deception check?
Tanam: You did pass your Deception check.
Okay.
I'll give you Yoink advantage.
Vafrus: Alright, oh, turns out I didn't need it.
That's, once again, counting my crown bonus, that's another 26.
Harmony: Oh no!
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: And I don't see him do this in the mirror?
Tanam: Nope.
Harmony: Dang.
Vafrus: We should name the follower, this follower's now different from the others,
Tanam: Nope.
Nope.
That's a- followers don't get names.
Rozafeen: They are seen and not named.
Tanam: Yep.
This is the first one, out of seven.
Vafrus: Contaminated follower number one.
Tanam: Yep.
You have successfully Reverse Yoinked one hot rock into one mirror bag.
Vafrus: Oh, that's casting a spell.
Does weirdness happen?
Tanam: Yeah that is a spell.
We're starting you at DC1.
Roll a, let's see, What did we say?
Vafrus: Oh, it's Constitution.
Tanam: Constitution, that's right, so, uh, 1d20 plus your Con modifier.
Vafrus: which is now zero
Tanam: Yes, because of the hot rocks exposure.
Vafrus: And also the crown bonus, so I'm rolling with a negative one.
Uh, I got a 5, which is enough.
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: So now, weird weird DC goes up to 2 for-
Tanam: Two.
For the next one.
Okay.
Vafrus: I feel like a little rumbling in me, and I'm like uh, that's a
little strange, but I'm awesome, so it doesn't have to be a problem.
My crown reassures me that everything is fine.
Tanam: Everything is fine, yeah.
the Prince in your head, however, is like, hmm, hmm.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, the Prince is trying to say something,
I'm like, the crown knows.
Trust-
Don: You're like, look, it's fine, it's probably just gas, It'll be great.
Vafrus: Alright, next hot rock?
Tanam: nope.
Vafrus: okay.
Rozafeen: heheh
Tanam: So Don, what's Georg doing as, as you walk through the desert?
Don: Have you ever tried to walk through sand in, like... Georg is looking
at the ground, huffing and puffing.
Looking like this is the worst thing he's ever done in his life.
This sucks.
Rozafeen: Does Georg need a ride?
Don: Georg definitely needs a ride.
But like, I mean, Georg is like, 600 pounds, so, I don't, I don't know.
This is not a "Justice gives him a ride" situation.
Rozafeen: Let me see what I can bear as a camel.
One sec.
Don: That's very sweet of you.
Rozafeen: A large beast, that's a good start.
Unaligned, just in case you were curious.
Don: Honestly, camels should be neutral evil.
Those things are nasty.
Vafrus: "What do you mean my detects evil spell didn't light up the camels?"
Rozafeen: Why is nothing telling me how much they carry?
Vafrus: Oh, it's probably...
Rozafeen: Yeah, it's not like there's one place that I can look this up.
I'm trying to sift through a series of rules.
Tanam: Don't ask me why, but I have a book about camels here.
Rozafeen: I actually don't want to know.
Vafrus: What if she turns into an especially big camel?
Rozafeen: What if I'm a naked, surprising camel?
Tanam: Sorry to break it to you, but camels are generally
naked; it's not surprising.
Vafrus: Camel but shaven
Tanam: Okay, now that's just upsetting.
Harmony: Did you say shaven?
Rozafeen: he did
Vafrus: Smooth and shorn!
Harmony: Shaven.
Camel.
Rozafeen: Somebody take him out back.
Tanam: Okay, so, yes, you could carry Georg.
It will be slightly uncomfortable-
Vafrus: Because you'll be naked, of course.
Tanam: But it's not unreasonably so.
Rozafeen: Okay, let's do this.
I'm a camel now, and I kneel down and everything.
Don: Georg is so much happier.
And he gets on the camel, obviously.
I mean, this is the best time Georg's had in a long time.
Like, A. Georg doesn't ever get to see the world from more than, like, four feet.
Rozafeen: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh
Don: So, this is great.
Tanam: And, in fact, it's so great that Georg has not only gone up vertically,
but has also gone up a level.
Rozafeen: Oh Oh.
Don: For a second I thought, uh, Georg was gonna be turned on by a naked camel, so-
Rozafeen: i
Vafrus: didn't
Don: turn out that direction.
Rozafeen: I was so upset.
Absolutely not heh heh
Vafrus: I, I
Tanam: am, I am,
Vafrus: Urekas, I need to borrow your mirror.
Tanam: I am, I am somewhat happy that I am not sufficiently predictable, that
you knew what I was going to say, but-
Don: Okay, so Georg goes up a level.
Tanam: yes
Don: alright, so, uh, I I put a lot of thought into this.
I was thinking, Georg's sort of an antisocial type, right?
So he's been working on his, his armor, and, , I was sort of
developing this, this, uh, "nope shield," as I like to call it.
And, uh, anytime somebody is just anywhere, like, within five feet of me,
let's say, or maybe even ten feet, just to start it off, I can just be like, "nope,"
and I'll push them, like, fifty feet away.
just think like, a little, like, uh, shield just kinda pops out, and
I've got, like, little propulsion device on it and just goes, noooope,
and it pushes them right back.
Tanam: Does it say "nope" on it?
Don: I have enchanted it to do that.
Vafrus: By enchanted do you mean used technology?
Don: Yeah, look, he sometimes cheats and breaks the rules a little bit,
sometimes things are too funny to not use just a tiny bit of magic.
Vafrus: One of us, one of-
Don: no no!
Look, l'll agree that some parlor tricks need some, a little help.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Clearly, there's a, a sound producing device in the shield that
creates, uh, that creates sound.
It's not very hard to produce.
You can get them in, like, very small, uh, packages.
Vafrus: the optimal
Don: that much weight to the shield.
Vafrus: The optimal shape for pushing sound waves happens to be in the
letters "nope" that impressed on the person's skin as they are flung away.
It's all, it's all very clear in the paper that Don's gonna publish soon.
Don: A sonic wave ability where it can just be like, "nope!" with sound,
and pushes them back, but no, no, I think it needs to be a solid object.
Tanam: Okay, so they get noped back... so, first thing I suspect that you know that
I'm going for is, "whenever you want,"
Don: thought you might have a problem with
Tanam: and no, Vafrus, it cannot be when you say it's okay.
Rozafeen: What about when he says "nope"?
Vafrus: Okay, okay.
Next offer, what about when Rozafeen says it's okay?
Don: I'm just gonna cut it off right here.
I'm the one that says nope.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, it seems kind of out of theme for it to be anyone else.
Do you want to do like maybe, some number of charges?
It seems like this might be like- there's only so many times, without
resetting it, that you could do this.
Don: Okay, twice my level, times per day,
Tanam: How about your level times per day?
Don: But I feel "nope" soo often.
Okay, okay, fine.
Can it be at will when Urekas is within five feet of me?
Harmony: Excuse me.
Vafrus: heh
Harmony: I can hear you.
Tanam: Tell you what, you can have unlimited gentle nopes.
Don: Okay, yeah, it's just like a little, a little like boop with the shield.
Tanam: Yeah, exactly.
Don: okay, gentle nope.
Vafrus: like that, that cantrip that Hellena has.
Rozafeen: I would like it noted that mine is a slap though.
Don: Gentle slap, gentle nope.
I like this.
Tanam: Okay, so you have unlimited gentle nopes, and your
level worth of nopes per day.
Um, now, you were saying it knocked them 50 feet away?
Don: At least, yeah.
Rozafeen: heh heh heh
Don: also knock them prone,
Vafrus: heh
Don: you're, if you're feelin' generous.
Tanam: I'm gonna say how about you flip that expectation wise.
Don: Okay, I understand.
I thought that might be just a little strong.
I just feel like Georg feels a lot of nope in his body.
Tanam: yeah, yeah, how about, uh, ten feet?
Don: Ten?
That's barely out of touching range.
30!
Tanam: Uh, 30 seems like too much.
Um, How about 20?
Don: I can do 20.
20's like far enough back to where, if you ignore them real hard,
they're, they're kind of gone.
Yeah, 20 feet sounds great.
Tanam: And I think, I feel like also prone seems like a little much.
Don: Uhhh Okay, fine, upside down in the sand it is.
Vafrus: Listen if something moved me 20 feet, you'd better
believe I'd be prone afterward.
Tanam: Okay, I'll tell you what, how 'bout, the noping is contested strength.
Don: Okay, so, contested strength to, to nope them.
Tanam: Strength versus your mechanical ability.
Don: That seems good, okay.
Tanam: I mean, I guess you are going to be doing this all the time, huh?
Don: yeah, if I'm, I'm doing it constantly.
mostly to Urekas.
Harmony: I can still hear you.
Don: Oh, yeah, I know, this is the problem, I just nope Urekas.
Oh,
Harmony: Okay, well, sent my seven followers to just circle around you.
Don: I can only do this so many times a day this is a real problem.
Harmony: Also, all begging you for coffee.
Don: Oh, this is, oh no, this is like my freakin worst nightmare.
Vafrus: I take advantage of the distraction and start
handing out hot rocks.
Harmony: You're the worst.
Enjoy your hands while you have them.
Vafrus: I mean, sure will.
Harmony: Hmm
Don: I mean, he's about .To have like, six extra tentacles.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, lots of things are gonna be changing about Calumn
in the coming... minutes, maybe?
Don: I guess they act fast.
Tanam: Okay, think Vafrus's point: If someone gets thrown 20 feet, they're
gonna be prone, that's probably reasonable, so they get their one
strength save, and if they fail their strength save, they get knocked back
20 feet and prone, and if they succeed they get knocked back, like, 5 feet-
Don: and they're definitely not prone.
Tanam: Exactly.
Don: But on a fail it's the full 20 feet.
cool.
I like it.
Tanam: Okay, and you could do that your level worth of times per day.
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: and we'll say, instead of per day, we'll say long rest- you're just
spending your time resetting things and screwing knobs in and all that.
While this is going on, Ruffort tries again with another hot rock...
Vafrus: round twoooo!
Do I get advantage again?
Tanam: Tell you what.
Uhhh, we can gamble a bit here.
If you roll another deception check, and are successful, then you
can have advantage on the yoink.
Vafrus: Sure, I'll take that deal.
Better to be caught being weird than handing out hot rocks.
Alright, Oh, my deception is quite good, Ooh, that would be a natural one.
Tanam: Wow!
Okay.
Vafrus: See, that's why we don't, that's why I need
advantage on the hot rocks thing.
This is this is, this is a great time for a nat 1.
Tanam: Okay, so you are continuing to skulk back there and you are
celebrating your previous...
Vafrus: I start loudly arguing with the Spirit about it.
Tanam: And forget that you're using your outside voice.
What does this sound like?
Vafrus: see that?
That was so cool!
No one even noticed!
Oh shit.
Don: I wish I'd never done something similar.
Vafrus: As like everyone turns and looks at me.
Tanam: yep okay, everyone is staring at you.
Do you say anything?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah, I got a great lie.
Shall I roll to see if I can think of it in time?
Tanam: Sounds good.
Vafrus: Okay.
That's a 16.
So my lie is, "Yeah, I saw, I saw a crinkle comet.
Right over there.
You know, those things that the gods throw sometimes?
It was, it was great.
It was so cool.
I know y'all missed it."
Harmony: Okay, and then I say, "Tell me what it really was,
I promise I won't get mad."
Tanam: Okay.
You are trying to deceive Ruffort into thinking that you won't get mad?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Okay, go ahead.
Harmony: Aw.
I only got a six, but my deception is plus 10.
Tanam: Okay, 16.
Vafrus: I mean, it's pretty good.
My ability to detect lies is bad.
I need a 19 to match this.
I got a 3
That's a three on the dice, so total of 0.
Tanam: You believe her.
Vafrus: Of course, she would never be mad at me for anything.
Also, I'm awesome.
Still not gonna tell her my secret, though, like, but I might include
her in the fun on the next one.
Tanam: Excellent.
Harmony: You're the worst.
Vafrus: I'm being genuine about that, I, I, I will tell her later,
the next crime that I'm doing.
Heheh.
Harmony: I can't wait till something bad happens to you.
Vafrus: It's, it's coming.
I got countdown and everything.
Tanam: So this is amusing timing, but, sometime after this learning experience-
Vafrus: There we go.
Harmony: Learning experience.
Tanam: Ruffort, goes up a level.
So...
Vafrus: Embarrassing myself in front of my friends causes me to level up.
I should be level 50.
Tanam: So what da ya got, Vafrus?
Vafrus: Alright, yeah, so, with the hot rocks thing, I'm becoming more and
more glass every day, so I feel like I should also be a little more cannon.
. I just want a little more damage on my Eldritch Burst spell.
That's the main thing I want.
Tanam: Okay, I feel like that's, like, super targeted.
Vafrus: Okay, alright, what if I make it be in character, but we make it be
celestial damage, but Calumn doesn't realize it, but everybody else does?
Tanam: So you're saying that you want to have improved celestial damage or-
Vafrus: I think it'd be funny if I do celestial damage, and, you know, it's
slightly weaker than the original type of damage, but I think it combos with
my new ability better, and I think it's funnier if I think it fits my character.
Tanam: heh, okay so, is the idea here is the Prince the one?
I mean, the Prince is the source of your power, right?
Vafrus: Yeah yeah yeah.
He's... he's the celestial being that's granting me all these celestial powers.
This terrible demon that I have.
Tanam: yes, okay, yeah, this is excellent.
So the Prince is a little bit unhappy with the force damage that you've
been dealing with it, and converts you over to celestial damage.
Vafrus: Yeah, maybe the Prince got a little more powerful.
Maybe the Prince leveled up is what happened just now.
Upgraded the Eldritch Burst to celestial damage with another,
you know, couple of points.
And, uh, and yeah, that's what just happened.
Tanam: This is excellent.
Okay.
Approved.
Don: I really like that Calumn's story is really just him getting taken over,
uh, more and more by a positive entity.
And like, that, that positivity really coming through.
Harmony: Maybe I'm having a positive influence on him.
Vafrus: You know, I originally thought maybe the group would end up converting
him, but then we all went and legally liberated some goods together, and I
feel like everything is perfect now.
Don: Really makes a guy fit in.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Harmony: "Legally liberated."
Vafrus: This is, this is my family.
Everything is perfect, and I'm just gonna hand out some free rocks now to my family.
Tanam: Yeah, time to, uh, roll , a much harder deception
with disadvantage this time.
Vafrus: dis- okay, yeah, that's that's gonna Ooh!
Ooh hoo hoo Never mind!
Yeah, that's a 23 with disadvantage and crown bonus.
Tanam: Wow.
Harmony: What?
Vafrus: Got that got that nat one out of the way earlier, so I
could, uh, apparently rule at this.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: So at that moment, an actual crinkle comet, like, flies
over, and everyone's like, WOOOOO!
And I'm like, it's my chance!
Tanam: Lending creedance to your earlier story.
Harmony: Yeah, two crinkle comets, what are the odds?
Vafrus: And heck, why not?
Does that mean I get advantage on the yoink?
Tanam: Yeah, okay, you can have advantage on the yoink.
Vafrus: Alright, yoink check number two on poor unsuspecting follower number two!
Ooh, that's a nat 20!
Tanam: Oh,
Harmony: I hate you.
Tanam: Okay, with a nat 20 on that, I'm gonna say you dispose of two hot rocks.
Vafrus: Heck yeah.
All right, well then I only have the 1 left and I'm saving that
to do with Urekas as my partner in crime, so I guess I'm done.
Harmony: I'm not your partner in any way.
Tanam: Okay, am going to need you to roll that, uh, Con save, though.
Vafrus: Oh yes, oh yes.
All Yep, so I need a better than 3, which I got, that's a 13.
Tanam: Okay, move that up to three!
Don: Wait, it's, uh, it's a DC two Con save?
Vafrus: Yes, but it increases by one point every time I cast any spell.
Don: Ohhhhh, right, okay.
Tanam: so,
there's a certain amount of inevitability here.
Okay, next up is, Hellena, who's going to level up while
being a camel, so this is good.
Rozafeen: Just a moment.
I actually have a document about this.
Let me get it in front of me.
Don: I mean, course you have a document about it.
Vafrus: How does a camel level up?
Do you, like, grow a new hump?
Is that how it works?
Tanam: Spit further?
Okay.
Rozafeen: I have prepared what I believe is a comprehensive and 100% reasonable
request, and that is not a hyperbole.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: So number one I can talk to plants.
That's what I do.
That's how I be.
Plants are my friends.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: We do have some limitations that I have built in just to make
it so that it's not unreasonable.
The first is that there are specific things that a plant would notice
and things that it wouldn't.
So plant might notice that someone walked by a plant might notice how much
weight was pressed into the ground.
A plant might notice how much someone blocked the sunlight.
A plant is not going to be able to tell me that somebody 10 feet away had blue eyes.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I mean, what if it was a carnivorous plant and it would
like really was into eyes.
Rozafeen: I mean, maybe if it ate the eye...
Vafrus: blue eye eating carnivorous vine.
Don: I mean, that was the idea.
Yeah.
That was like- the whole thing is it would really want to eat the eyes.
So it was really into eye color.
Harmony: "So I thought that was a blueberry.
" Rozafeen: I mean, if we wanna give Tanam room to play with that, I support it.
Don: Okay, So for all carnivorus plants that are into eyeball eating.
That's okay, then.
Rozafeen: Okay--
Don: Not other plants that wouldn't be into that though.
Cool.
I wanted to get that, that down pat.
Harmony: Wait, I have to ask, are you into eye-eating?
Don: I mean-
Rozafeen: Which one of us are you asking that?
Harmony: I was asking, I was asking Georg.
Don: I wouldn't say I'm into eye-eating.
I just think that, like, there might be a plant that we like, have you met our dm?
Harmony: Our DM has excellent eyes, very clear.
Don: Oh, I know.
I'd eat the shit out of those.
I mean, um, no, no.
Like I think that the DM might come up with some plants that
maybe... would eat eyeballs.
Harmony: Wait, you think that... sorry, go ahead.
We can move on.
You're-
Don: on this.
This is getting weird.
Why'd you make this weird Urekas?
Harmony: This is about Hellena.
Vafrus: Yeah, Hellena made it weird, we're all agreed.
Rozafeen: The weird part was not about Hellena.
So Hellena can persuade plants.
Maybe if the plant wouldn't ordinarily let us by, if Hellena talks to the
plant and rolls well, that she can persuade the plant to let us through.
Similarly, Hellena can persuade a plant to maybe attack an
enemy if she's sufficiently convincing, but it's not a given.
The next thing that I think absolutely needs to happen, I will not take "no" for
an answer is I can summon a 50 foot line of palm trees that will drop coconuts
on people for 3d8 bludgeoning damage.
Don: Okay, and I'm only asking this because of the potential fallout.
Get it?
Rozafeen: Uh, yeah.
Don: So,
Tanam: Is this a spell you're proposing here?
Rozafeen: Yes, I'm proposing that it's a spell commensurate with what I have
just leveled up to, and rather than, you know, me being able to call down
some fantastic thing from a force of nature, from the sky or whatever, I
feel like I originate from the coast.
I've got that coastal vibe.
And, being able to bludgeon somebody, maybe to death,
with coconuts sounds amazing.
So additional information about the coconut situation: I can change the shape
so it doesn't have to be a straight line.
I can use one action for one line, a second action for another line,
and a third action for a third line.
And I can space the trees intermittently to make it difficult to charge through.
Tree has 30 hitpoints and is vulnerable to burning and
slashing; that seems only fair.
And trees that I make while I am angry-- so, for example, if I'm in
battle, I'm running for my life-- will forever be bitter and will forever
attempt to attack anyone who is not me with coconuts until the end of time.
Harmony: Wow.
That's great.
Tanam: How will the coconuts taste?
Rozafeen: Oh, I think bitter trees make bitter nasty coconuts.
Don: So what you're saying is that I should not make any drinks with pineapple
and coconut, potentially maybe a little lime out of these particular coconuts.
Harmony: Well, do you want the bitter flavors?
Don: No!
I don't want the bitter flavors.
I want delicious sweet coconuts.
Rozafeen: Wow that was a passionate response.
Don: Look, I'm very passionate about delicious drinks, especially
if those drinks contain coffee.
But like, look, these, uh, if they're bitter coconuts, that's gross.
The whole point of a coconut...
Rozafeen: Maybe give Hellena some time and maybe she'll eventually
learn that she can make palm trees while she's not scared or angry, and
who knows the drink possibilities!
Don: Who does know, indeed.
Vafrus: So Georg specifically takes 4d8 because he doesn't like the coconuts.
Rozafeen: More like 1d8 over and over again.
Georg's standing there shaking the trunk.
"Please!"
Don: "Give me a nice coconut once."
Rozafeen: "Don't make me beg. Okay. I'll beg."
Don: It doesn't really take much.
Rozafeen: We need to have talk about that separately.
Don: Um, do we?
I, I mean-
Harmony: I think bitter notes in coffee can be good sometimes.
I'm not saying that makes you a bitter person.
I think you are a bitter person, Georg, but most people who drink
coffee with bitter notes just enjoy the flavor and they move on
with their life and they're happy.
Don: You're a monster.
You know that?
Harmony: Good one.
Don: Thanks.
I guess,
Rozafeen: No, really I felt like it was appropriate.
It was dramatic.
I'm signed up.
I've got my coffee cup at the ready waiting for more.
Don: You know what, you get a bitter coconut in your next coffee.
Rozafeen: Why?
Don: It was just a bitter response.
I don't know.
as, uh, sometimes we don't wanna be reminded about how,
how our, our vulnerabilities.
don't know.
I, I just...
Rozafeen: Wait, wait, wait.
Vulnerable?
Don: it wasn't vulnerable.
Tanam: Okay.
No wait.
So no.
The trees are vulnerable to burning and slashing.
Don: Yeah.
So's Georg.
Tanam: I would say that Georg was being more damaged by piercing here.
Don: That's fine.
Also burning.
Rozafeen: The wit was piercing and the burns were sick.
Don: They, they really were, I mean, I get it.
Okay.
Fine.
Vafrus: So I'm really excited to hear the name of this spell.
Does it have a name?
Don: Yeah, let's do that.
Let's, let's talk about the name.
Vafrus: Cuz if, if there's not one...
Rozafeen: I didn't put that in my document.
I'm not prepared!
Tanam: Tree wall?
Rozafeen: Hmm.
Vafrus: How about "Better Palm Barrage"?
Rozafeen: How about "Coconuts of Death"?
Tanam: How about it, it's a spell that goes by many names, and it's all of these?
Rozafeen: I cast "coconuts of death!"
Tanam: Well, you're not the one casting the coconuts...
Rozafeen: grr.
Vafrus: I mean...
Don: Wait, you're not the one casting the coconuts?
Tanam: No.
The trees are casting the coconuts.
Don: So wait.
She summons trees and then those trees are jerks because reasons.
Tanam: only if she was angry while they were being created.
Don: Oh.
So she cast coconut trees of death.
Tanam: Correct.
Don: Those trees cast coconuts of death.
But later on she might be able to cast coconuts of delicious fucking juice.
Rozafeen: Yeah, if I yell, "I cast coconuts of death!" And
someone says, "well actually..." a camel is gonna spit on 'em.
Tanam: That's fair.
Don: You should also probably note down that whole thing about camels.
Rozafeen: Oh, I'll remember.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: it's called fashion!
Not that you would know, no offense.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Are these pop rocks or, uh, oh wait, hold on, back it up, back it up.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: the "naked" is really the important part.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: I wanna stress that this is all Tanam's fault.
The Intern: Check out readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: well if that isn't worth some levels, I don't know what is.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my
drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game
design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Harmony: Like, if somebody is just talking to you versus talking to you
with a lot of exclamation points, like, it's different, you know?