The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires- uh, travel edition?
I'm your host, the Intern.
The players all got together in Klaoiiiiiiallllll!
Did you know that Harmony and Don teach at the university there?
Also, that's where they went to school together with Tanam.
Since they weren't using glazes while they were there- I mean,
why would they?- I wasn't able to listen to their conversation.
Ugh.
I promise I'm not creepy.
I mean, telling you how much I wish that I could have recorded it
probably wouldn't help my argument.
Anyway, sounds like they had a lovely time.
I've left in some of their pre-game conversation in the episode so
you can hear all about it too!
In the actual game, they are still in the process of looting- er, I mean, "gathering
evidence" in the Sorceress's Tower.
Let's see what they find.
Tanam: Hey.
Don: thanks for coming down.
Tanam: Yeah, it was great to see you.
Vafrus: it was so much fun!
Don: That was great, It was good to see every one of you
in person for the first time.
It was crazy.
Vafrus: yeah...
Harmony: Yeah, that was fun.
And even though- Go ahead.
Rozafeen: No, you go ahead.
Harmony: I was just gonna say, even though we left a mess,
Don's place looks so much better.
Tanam: Like, even after the mess?
Harmony: Uh huh.
Don: After you put glitter all over it.
Harmony: It's gonna take you forever to wash those sheets.
And I want you to think of me every single time.
Don: Uhh-
Rozafeen: Again with bedroom talk.
Don: right?
Rozafeen: okay, no, I want to refocus.
Why?
Why did none of you warn me that there would be sexy spider waitstaff?
Tanam: Well that's, kind of the whole-
Vafrus: yeah, yeah, that's, that's kind of, that's what Ikky's is known for.
Wasn't it great though?
Rozafeen: No!
Tanam: Did you not know?
Rozafeen: I did not know and it was not in fact great.
It was icky.
Tanam: Well, yeah, that's the name.
Rozafeen: It was weird.
Vafrus: there's no place like Ikky's.
Rozafeen: mean that I believe.
Tanam: I mean, some people would argue, "thankfully," but, you know.
Rozafeen: I just, didn't want to talk about it while we were all sitting
there because I didn't want to be rude to the belegged waitstaff, but why?
Don: I mean, some people are into it, I guess.
Vafrus: You want to take this one Tanam?
There's like this whole history.
Tanam: I mean-
Rozafeen: Oh wait, nope, never mind.
Sorry.
Harmony: You know,
Tanam: to hear about the Klaoil City Interactive History Museum?
Rozafeen: "In 2607..."
Harmony: And Don starts singing again.
Don: Twenty six, uh, I'm kidding, I'm not actually gonna sing.
I-
Harmony: I mean, spiders need jobs too, right?
Vafrus: Basically it was, it was a museum, but then like it didn't make enough money
as a museum, so it became a theme park.
And then it became a, there- it, it, it's been trying a lot of things,
you know, they've tried a few things.
Ikky's is what's stuck.
Don: like stuck, cuz stuck and web and that's a good one.
Vafrus: And that coffee, am I right?
Harmony: I didn't like the web creamer in the coffee.
Don: Uh, yeah, that was awful and so was the coffee.
Tanam: what?
Don: Yeah, I said it.
Harmony: mean, we're not there, don't have to pretend to like it.
Don: Yeah.
While we were there, it was one thing.
Did not love the coffee.
Vafrus: The coffee was good, but maybe Don doesn't want to admit it?
Don: What I'm saying is that it had, the restaurant itself, the food had
influences from Coffee Lands, like heavy dark roast flavors, okay?
Rozafeen: Not okay, I don't like coffee.
Don: I love coffee.
How could you say that?
Rozafeen: I mean, it's not meant to be personally offensive, but I don't like
coffee and anything that is like "you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna put that
flavor you don't like in this thing." Ugh.
Don: Oh.
Rozafeen: Carry on.
Don: That makes sense.
Harmony: Oh, is that why you suggested the place?
So you could drink her coffee?
Don-
Don: wait, me?
Harmony: yes.
Don: Considered... I thought someone else suggested it.
Rozafeen: It's been a rough week, hasn't it?
Don: has.
Look, sorry guys, I can barely keep my head on straight today.
My point was, yeah, I mean, the coffee, uh, the coffee was okay.
It was fine.
I don't know.
Vafrus: fighting words!
Harmony: it's okay, I'm the one who suggested it.
I'm just grinding your beans.
Don: Ugh.
Ouch.
Rozafeen: Why?
Sexy spider waitstaff?
Tanam: Well, I'm glad that we were able to all actually meet up and, hit that
restaurant regardless of- preferences.
It had been a long time since I had actually gone back and seen the campus.
I don't know why I would have expected it to have changed, but it was kind of
disconcerting about how much it didn't.
I don't know.
Harmony: Yeah, it's like, I've noticed it not changing.
It's like time has not passed at all since we left.
That's weird.
Tanam: Yeah, But, it was, uh, good to get back there and Rozafeen, I know that
you had been in the area before, had you ever actually been to the campus?
Rozafeen: I mean, interacting with it in some fashion is unavoidable, but
considering what I do during my day job, I try not to spend a lot of time interacting
with other campuses any more than I must.
Tanam: Fair enough.
Sorry, I hope that the choice of restaurant so close wasn't
upsetting, in addition to-
Rozafeen: No, no, it's fine... Nah, the food was mostly fine.
My actual meal was acceptable.
Tanam: There's a good review for the books.
Rozafeen: Trust me, I have said far worse.
Vafrus: "The food was fine. And for me, that's great!"
Rozafeen: "I did not threaten to burn down the restaurant once."
Don: Is that a normal thing?
Do you not like most restaurants?
Rozafeen: Let's just say that I joined the game because I heard that
we would get to kill lots of things.
Tanam: I'm sorry that we haven't killed so many things so far, but, um-
Rozafeen: Well, we seem to be in the middle of robbing some poor
old lady, so that's a start.
Harmony: Poor old lady?
So mean!
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, we established last time, she deserves it, somehow.
Harmony: Because she started it.
Rozafeen: Uhhggghhh.
Don: I mean, I think she was kinda just trying to tell us to leave, and
then we told her to leave instead, and-
Rozafeen: And now we're taking all of her books, and all of her gold.
Vafrus: We didn't do anything to her that she didn't do to us first.
It's fine.
Tanam: "I think it's time for you to leave." "I think
it's time for you to leave."
Rozafeen: That was such a good line.
Don: You didn't have to participate in taking all of her books.
Rozafeen: Oh, yes, yes I did.
Don: You're like, "I am morally, uh, upset about this, but I'm
still stealing your stuff."
Rozafeen: You know, actually, I don't-- I think I'm good
aligned, but I don't remember.
Maybe I'll leave an IOU note.
Vafrus: No, no, no.
make easier for her to hunt us down.
That's not a good thing to do.
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, because Tagak is going to be a pinnacle of stealth.
Vafrus: I don't think she's coming with us.
I think she's just gonna get caught.
Harmony: We could gamble her books and her journals and make them better.
Vafrus: love the idea of putting a book through a machine that
changes everything slightly.
"You know all those, like, squiggles and stuff that used to be in this
book? They're still there, just, you know, we moved them a little."
Harmony: and if the journal changes, maybe she'll think she had a different life.
Rozafeen: That is totally how that works.
Vafrus: Oh my goodness...
Don: I mean, just imagine going back, like, you know, 20 years and reading a
journal that you barely remember anyway, and it's just like slightly different.
So there's some stuff in there, and you just don't remember
if you remember not doing it.
Vafrus: yeah,
Don: that's, that's some messed up stuff.
I mean, didn't, like, everybody tell you, "oh, you should journal more," or "you
should journal," or "write things down, it's important, you'll want to look at
that later," and then you totally don't.
Vafrus: Yeah, I started, like, ten different journals, but now
I just write academic papers.
It's pretty much the same.
Don: Yeah,
Tanam: oh,
Rozafeen: Do you have citations for your feelings?
Tanam: I was gonna say, are personal narratives common over in Dominion Magic?
Vafrus: It's just what I've been thinking about lately.
Might as well think good enough thoughts that you can publish them, right?
Don: I guess if it all came from your head, you could just cite
"my brain" somewhere in there.
That's how that works, right?
You know, when it's science, it's a lot easier to be like, hey, your job
is to find all of the, uh, scientific references that need to be referenced.
Vafrus: Love that.
Here, I've written this paper.
Find citations for it.
Rozafeen: I have had to edit things that are not that far off from that premise.
Don: Tell me what all the formulas were.
It's a learning experience.
Vafrus: Do you assign citations as homework for your classes?
Don: Only for the advanced students.
You don't want to see what some of the 101 classes can come up with.
Vafrus: "Justify this research." " Well I wrote in my mom's journal," and-
Don: took it over to the Gambling Hall and, uh, put through a few times.
Vafrus: Oh, Tanam, you have a game for us today?
Tanam: possibly?
Vafrus: Oh yeah!
I was trying on jewelry!
I had all the rings!
Oh and everybody took all my rings.
Tanam: I think you distributed the rings, yeah, but you
definitely still have the tiara.
Vafrus: I realized between sessions, I can make the tiara be invisible,
like, part of my Disguise Self is that I can, like, change my clothes
and stuff, so, as soon as, as soon as Ruffort remembers that, it's gone.
Rozafeen: Really?
But aren't you proud of how attractive it makes you?
Vafrus: Oh, oh, deeply, but I also think y'all, if you forget about it,
you won't want to share of it, which is really the most important thing.
gonna I'm-
Don: you're allowed to have a share of the loot.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, you know, I want more than my share, and
the crown is obviously the best thing, so I'm, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
try to swindle you all out of it.
Don: Oh, I see how it is.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Harmony: I am pretty jealous of the crown.
Vafrus: I mean, your character should bring that up if so, because-
Tanam: It's gonna disappear pretty quickly.
Vafrus: Vafrus is not excited about the crown.
Ruffort thinks it's the best.
Harmony: Alright, I'm getting a lot of mixed messages.
Tanam: Calumn thinks it's the best.
Ruffort is-
Vafrus: Oh, yes.
Calumn thinks it's the best.
Ruffort thinks what Calumn thinks.
Don: I mean, doesn't Ruffort think what Calumn wants him to think?
Vafrus: Yes, yes.
This is chain of people thinking what their controller wants them to think.
Like a, like a bunch of puppet masters manipulating puppets that are
manipulating puppets all the way down.
Tanam: Okay, could, I get a Perception check from Urekas, and a Deception
check minus one from Ruffort.
Vafrus: Alright.
Harmony: I have 12.
No, no, no, 13.
Don: If only you were the one making the Deception check.
Harmony: Right.
Deception is plus 10.
Not that I ever use it.
Don: Except on yourself.
Harmony: hey!
Vafrus: I roll a six, I'm doing Deception minus one,
Tanam: Mhm.
Vafrus: uh, 13.
Harmony: Alright.
Vafrus: If, if it counts as a failed ability check, I can do a thing about it.
Tanam: Yeah, okay, do your thing.
Vafrus: I get a D-4..
Don: I mean, technically Urekas also can do a thing about it.
Harmony: I- I would do a thing.
Vafrus: I'm up to, I'm up to 17 now.
Tanam: I think It was more conscious for Ruffort and less conscious for Urekas.
So, Ruffort wins this particular contest, which means that Urekas, you
note the tiara on there, and you're like, "Hmm, that is nice." And, like,
"it looks fine on, on Ruffort, but it would look much better on me."
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: But then, you look over and see Hellena taking all the books off the
shelf and dumping them into a mirror bag.
And, later, when you look, the tiara is gone and you kind of forget about it.
Harmony: Oh, okay.
At least I forgot.
Alright, I'm back to happy.
Tanam: Not jealous of it anymore, so there you go.
Harmony: Okay.
Life is good.
Vafrus: You'll remember it in your dreams.
Harmony: Ugh.
Vafrus: Wait a minute, Tiara!
We must have left it in the tower!
We have to go back!
Tanam: Don, so Georg picked up all the stuff from the ground, right?
Don: Yeah, so, I have- I wrote this down- leather armor, pitons,
eight rations, a tinderbox, ten torches, and a deck of cards.
Tanam: Okay.
I'm going to ask you to strike that last one.
Don: I no longer have a deck of cards.
Tanam: um, you think that you have a deck of cards, you remember putting the deck
of cards in the bag, but, you know, if you would like to at some point in the
future go looking for it and realize that it's not there, you are welcome to do
so at a dramatically interesting time.
But yeah, that deck of cards is not there.
Don: Okay, Honestly, I'll probably forget about it, I was just gonna try to give it
back to Ruffort, and then make something weird out of the pitons, the tinderbox,
and the ten torches that might explode.
Harmony: Oh, did I ever steal her pillows?
Tanam: Um.
Yes?
Uh, are you gonna shove them into the mirror bag?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Oh yeah, am I able to fill up my bag with enough stuff
to justify having dumped it out?
Tanam: I think the plates are pretty big.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: yeah.
I mean, it's it was not like a huge bag.
Vafrus: Okay.
Harmony: Oh, and how many pillows does she have?
Tanam: How many pillows does she have?
She has a- a lot of pillows.
Harmony: Okay.
I take all of them.
Tanam: Okay, you have three long pillows that are thick, three
long pillows that are thin, three short pillows that are thick, and
two short pillows that are thin.
Harmony: Interesting.
I wonder where the other pillow is.
Okay.
Tanam: They are all like a light blue, and embroidered.
Harmony: Oooo.
Okay.
Um, I'm gonna ask my followers if they can sew my name into
them, but they can do that later.
Tanam: Did they also come into the room, or are they standing out in the hallway?
Harmony: Oh, yeah, yeah, they're in, and they're grabbing stuff, too.
Rozafeen: Woah.
Wait a minute.
Vafrus: We pick this place clean.
Rozafeen: I was gonna copy some books and then ship 'em back...
Vafrus: We leave a bed frame and that's it.
Tanam: Okay...
Vafrus: there's some shelving.
Tanam: Okay, let's see, things that are left in here: there is a type of
weaving that was popular around this time, that depicted some founding myths.
She has one of those, it's a tapestry, that's hanging on the wall.
Harmony: Oh, beautiful.
Tanam: Do your followers have mirrorbags?
Harmony: Yes.
Rozafeen: At least some of them, right?
Vafrus: Everyone has a mirrorbag except Ruffort.
Harmony: Yeah we have seven followers in here, right?
Tanam: Okay, they're all in here and they all have mirror bags?
Harmony: Yes.
Don: I mean, did you just buy all of your followers mirror bags?
Tanam: I mean, yeah, they're not... I guess they might have had their own mirror
bags, but like- maybe some of the money that you were supposed to give to Hellena
went to mirrorbags for your followers.
Harmony: Yeah, I mean, temporarily, like, she's gonna get her money, but, yeah.
Rozafeen: This lady is going to murder us.
Tanam: So your followers strip the tapestry off of the wall.
There's some rugs, are you taking those too?
Harmony: Yes.
Vafrus: Absolutely.
I thought, I actually thought it was carpeting.
I thought we're going to have to work a lot harder if it's just rugs.
Heck yeah.
I mean, we're taking it either way, but yeah.
Don: Is there any art on the walls?
Maybe some dust bunnies?
Harmony: Dust bunny?
Don: Yeah, you don't want her to just keep her best dust bunnies.
Tanam: okay, so, pillows, tapestry.
there are, uh, three lil rugs
Harmony: Mm. Great, we'll take all of those.
Tanam: okay, um, there's curtains on the bed, are you taking those too?
Harmony: That would be really nice.
Vafrus: Yeah, they'll go really well the sheets and the pillows, right?
They all match.
Rozafeen: Leaving just the curtains would be cruel.
Tanam: No, what would be cruel would be leaving one curtain.
Harmony: How about this?
She can keep the curtain rod.
Don: I mean, isn't that also a bit cruel?
We should probably take those.
Tanam: They're like attached directly to the, bed, canopy, frame, thing.
Harmony: Oh.
Okay.
Rozafeen: Like, at some point, Tagak and the girlfriend... at some point these two
are gonna emerge from that room, they're gonna need a glass of water or something.
Harmony: It's true.
Rozafeen: Not that we're doing anything wrong but we should probably shut the
door to hide our shame and get outta here.
Don: I mean, we've definitely crossed over into "just criminals" here.
We didn't see anything wrong that she did.
Like, no spider summoning books, no nothing.
We were just like, "okay, better confiscate all this
stuff. It's too good for you."
Rozafeen: To be fair, I haven't read the books yet, and if we frame it as
a confiscation, then she can always get her property back in 60 to 90
days if she pays the appropriate fee.
Vafrus: Also, any of these pillows could be material
components for summoning spiders.
Rozafeen: You never know.
Don: Very well known material component in a spell.
Definitely goes along with spider.
Like, when I pillow, I think spider.
So, yeah, no, I get it.
Harmony: They can hide in the fibers with the rugs.
Vafrus: Alright, so yeah, we stripped the room bare, just everything.
Harmony: Mm
Vafrus: We have everybody helping, we work together as a team, try
to get it done in record time.
Rozafeen: It's kind of beautiful if you think about it.
Don: Can we fit the table downstairs into a mirror bag?
Tanam: No.
Don: Ah, I was afraid of that.
Vafrus: And we'll have to carry it.
Harmony: Can we fit the rock with the googly eyes into a mirrorbag?
Rozafeen: Oh, it's sentient.
I don't think we should shove it in a mirrorbag.
Harmony: Oh, good point, okay.
Don: I mean, it doesn't need to breathe or anything... I hope.
Rozafeen: You could shove it in a common bag, I guess, but that's just rude.
Tanam: I don't think that any of you could carry it.
It's not like a little rock on the ground, it's like a big pile of rocks.
Don: We can always just ask if it wants to come with us.
Vafrus: Didn't- didn't we used to have like a cheetah with us?
Isn't that like part of this?
Rozafeen: Why does everyone always forget about Justice?
She's got such a big personality.
Vafrus: So, does Justice like go eat people when we forget about her?
Is that how this works?
Rozafeen: Mostly not people?
Mostly.
The only one Justice eats is someone who had it coming.
Tanam: By definition.
Rozafeen: Justice is blind but she's got great taste.
Vafrus: It's pretty good.
Yeah, alright.
If we're heading out, I'm gonna go knock on the lovebirds' door.
Harmony: Are you going to offer them some water?
Vafrus: No, I'm gonna give Tagak a chance to survive this encounter.
Rozafeen: She thinks that the person's gone for a thousand years, right?
Vafrus: Yeah, she thinks a lot of things.
She's, she's, she's gonna die unless she comes with us.
And I'm gonna give her that chance.
Does she answer the door?
Tanam: You hear kind of a muffled, "What?"
Vafrus: I, uh, I call in and say, "Hey, Tagak!
We're leaving.
I strongly recommend you come with us.
But, you can do what you want."
Tanam: "I thought you said she was gone for a thousand years!"
Vafrus: And she is, but she might not be.
Harmony: Yeah, I can help.
"Tagak, we totally thought it was gonna be a thousand years, but it's actually
gonna be, um, between one to eight hours."
Tanam: You hear, at the mention of possibly it being one hour,
You hear a bunch of, like, sounds like someone's falling off of a, waist
height surface, kind of like, and there's like rustling and ruffling and-
Vafrus: Sounds like they were having a really epic crochet session in there.
Crocheting super hard.
All over all the furniture.
Tanam: Well Tagak is a master craftsman.
Vafrus: That's why I made that assumption.
"You should bring Teep too, or else you'll probably never see
each other again," just saying.
Don: Wow.
Rozafeen: No pressure.
Don: This whole thing got dark.
Harmony: it's not dark because we'll protect both of you.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Uh, well,
Rozafeen: hmm.
Vafrus: do our best.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Vafrus: Right now, the best protection is not being here, we're gonna do that.
Don: I mean, if you're talking about protection, I think
that ship might have sailed.
Tanam: I was waiting for that joke, okay.
Don: You're welcome.
Vafrus: I was a little slow, but I got it.
Rozafeen: I'm still not there, but I accept that.
Tanam: So, the door opens up and Tagak and Teep are there.
The same clothes, like the same set of clothing items that went into
the room has come out of the room-
Vafrus: on different people sometimes?
Tanam: On different people, yeah.
Vafrus: That's wonderful.
Ahhhh.
Tanam: So, Teep looks at you, it's like, "Do you, do you, really
think that she's coming back soon?"
Vafrus: Yep, I do.
That is what I think.
Rozafeen: I think it might be eight hours, but I think that she's going to be pissed.
Vafrus: think it might be 8 hours from about 2 hours ago.
Harmony: I exaggerated with the one hour, sorry, we just wanted your attention.
Tanam: They look at each other and they're not saying anything, but
either one of them has telepathy or they're, you know, just communicating
with expressions or whatever.
They're just staring at each other for an uncomfortably long time.
Vafrus: Alright, I start walking.
I'm like, alright, yeah, good luck with that.
Down the stairs I go.
Tanam: Ah, there goes their dramatic moment.
Vafrus: They can still have it.
Maybe everybody else sees it.
Don: Wow, you just, you interrupt them mid crochet.
You don't let them have their moment.
Rozafeen: He wouldn't have appreciated the moment anyway.
Vafrus: It's, it's true.
I should have just left them alone.
They could have dealt with this problem in like five or six hours.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Don: I mean, the problem would have been dealt with, that's for sure.
Vafrus: Yeah, I think they should both come with us.
I mean, that, that's, that's the obvious play in my mind, but
you know, they got, whatever.
It's not my business.
Here we go!
Tanam: Teep seems to come to a decision and-
Vafrus: Everyone witnesses this but me.
Tanam: "Can you give me just a couple of minutes to get some
stuff, and I want to leave a note."
Vafrus: "Dear Mom, Here's where we're gonna be."
Rozafeen: "I'll be back by midnight."
Vafrus: I met some great new friends.
Here are all their addresses.
Tanam: Do you, do you say any of these things?
Rozafeen: He's not there.
Vafrus: I can't interrupt.
Tanam: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you don't.
You you don't.
But, does Hellena say any of these things?
Rozafeen: I say, " I think that leaving your mother a note
would be a great comfort to her.
It would be in everyone's best interest if you don't give any indication
about where she might find us."
Tanam: "Ah. I see."
Don: Also, you don't really know where we're going anyway,
so that's gonna be hard to do.
Tanam: "That's a good point. Okay. I'll be back." And she goes back into the room.
And Tagak is like, "um, uh, I guess I, I'll, I'll, I'll be right back too. I'm
gonna help." And she runs in as well.
Are you continuing downstairs, Ruffort?
Vafrus: Yeah, I'm gonna have a brief crisis of conscience, because
I sort of realized that that was a pretty nice thing that I just did.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: is very confusing for me, uh,
Tanam: do you-
Vafrus: and so I start, I start trying to like, figure out how it was
actually, probably, mean somehow, and-
Tanam: well, I mean, like, it's going to be difficult for Teep to
reconnect with her mom after this.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, yeah, that's good enough, I've ruined a relationship.
Okay, all is well again, heheheheh
Don: I mean, also, you interrupted them, I'm gonna say again, mid
cross stitch, uh, and You then gave them no time to think about it.
I, I, I mean, this doesn't seem, you know, evil exactly, but it's not good.
Vafrus: That's that's kind of why at the time it seemed like it was
me, but then afterward I'm like, oh, but sort of the whole picture, you
know, I could have just walked away.
That would have been so much... easIer.
Don: but I mean, think of the gains from having two very
gullible people under your thumb.
Vafrus: Master craftsman.
Tanam: Well, no, a master craftsman and a Sorcerer's daughter.
Rozafeen: Yeah, do we know anything about what she does other than be a daughter?
Tanam: Nope.
Rozafeen: Well that's fun.
Tanam: Oh, and she's, she's hot too.
Harmony: oh, cool, go on.
Vafrus: Yeah.
So my, my crisis of conscience will give me pause until everybody else catches up.
Tanam: Do you kind of like kick on the bench down on one of the, uh-
Vafrus: Sure, I'll sit on the bench.
Sounds good.
Tanam: Or alternatively, you could be going to lay down on the table, which
would have meant meant that you had passed the hot rocks, uh, you had been
threatening to, to raid the hot rocks.
Vafrus: Go fill up my pockets.
I mean, how much room do I have left in my bag?
Tanam: It's true.
You don't have much room because of the plates.
Vafrus: Cause yeah, it would be really just a shame to let any
of the bag room go to waste.
Tanam: Roll a wisdom check.
Vafrus: Heh heh heh.
Seven.
They've gotta be worth something.
Tanam: Yeahhh.
Vafrus: The Sorceress wouldn't have so many if they weren't worth something.
What everybody doesn't know won't hurt them.
Tanam: Okay, yeah, so, you sit on the bench for a little bit and resolve your
crisis of faith, and you're walking down and you pass the hot rocks storage.
Everybody's upstairs still, you heard something about maybe they were gonna take
a couple minutes to pack or something, and the hot rocks seemed pretty cool,
like, why have a whole storage room for something that wasn't pretty cool?
Vafrus: Also, I'm not even stealing from the party.
Anyone else could have as many hot rocks as they wanted.
Tanam: So, hot rocks come in lots of different sizes.
Don: And flavors!
Rozafeen: Eww.
Vafrus: Ooh, I'm gonna take four of them so I can make a new four
stone pouch out of hot rocks.
Tanam: Okay.
Okay.
Vafrus: It'll be extra potent.
Tanam: Okay.
But that's, that's, I mean, that's four small ones, right?
Vafrus: yeah yeah
Tanam: okay.
So Calumn really believes in the Four Stone Pouch, which means that It
would have to be gathered properly.
Vafrus: I think he can make the rule work.
Like, he could leave it out in the right place and then go
get it again, like ya could...
Tanam: Mmm, yeah, that's a good point.
It's like, gather, not like, find.
Vafrus: In his mind, he can make it work.
His understanding of the rules are, they work just well enough that he
can make the hot rocks function.
Tanam: Okay, those definitely fit.
You could just toss them in the bag.
Do you want to take anything bigger?
Vafrus: Do the rocks like burn me when I touch them?
Tanam: No, they're warm,
Vafrus: Like pleasantly warm?
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, pleasantly warm.
Yeah.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, I'll just take another, I'll take a, like, a pretty
big one for, like, sleeping on.
Tanam: Okay.
So this is like pillow sized?
Well, you couldn't carry that.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, like, like, palm size, ya know.
Tanam: Palm-size.
Okay.
Yeah.
You can.
You poke through them, push around bit and move some heavier
ones, and eventually find one.
Can I get a stealth check?
Minus one.
Vafrus: right, 22.
Tanam: Okay.
Okay, back to everybody else.
Teep and Tagok come out of the room.
Teep has a mirror bag, and so that's all she's carrying.
She's still wearing some of Tagak's clothes, but also has a traveling cloak
on over it, and some nice traveling boots.
She has a firm look of resolve on her face.
" Okay.
Let's go." And she starts walking down the stairs.
Harmony: I say, "We're proud of you."
Rozafeen: I'm neutral.
Tanam: It took you this long to look up your alignment?
Vafrus: Ha Ha ha ha nice one.
Don: I start walking down the stairs to, uh, talk to the rock outside.
Vafrus: Yeah.
yeah, I try to hurry everyone along, I'm like, yep, every minute
we doddle is a minute we'll wish we had at the end of eight hours.
Harmony: Wait, should we try to find the note that she wrote?
Rozafeen: Oh!
I really am neutral.
Vafrus: Heh heh
Rozafeen: Are you saying, should one of us sneak back and try to
read this note she left her mother?
Harmony: Well, do we want to find Ruffort?
Rozafeen: Let's go.
Vafrus: Ruffort is, like, editing the note, "Dear Mother, you hag!" Like,
Tanam: "never find me again. I am definitely not going
to be in these places."
Vafrus: a list of all the places I will never be!"
" Tanam: Not that it should matter, because you shouldn't come looking for me."
Vafrus: "Especially at these dates and times."
Harmony: you're right, Hellena, we should go.
Tanam: Okay, Ruffort, you managed to get out of the hot rocks room before
anyone else comes down the stairs.
Vafrus: The door is hard to close because the latch-
Tanam: Is all weird, yeah.
But you managed to do so stealthily.
Do you wait for them on the second floor, or do you head down and out
after you finish closing the door?
Vafrus: My friends are actually pretty cool and I like having them around, so I'm
gonna, not try to ditch them or anything.
Tanam: Hellena?
Rozafeen: Yes.
Tanam: Can I get a visual Perception check.
Rozafeen: Sure.
One moment.
Oh.
That one's nice.
Okay, well, we're going with the first one, a twenty five.
Tanam: Okay.
The hot rocks room door is shut.
Rozafeen: Oh, it was open when we
Harmony: left, huh?
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: I say, " Soooooo, what happened here?" And I cock my head
over my shoulder toward the door.
"Why is this door shut?"
Vafrus: Without missing a beat, I'm like, "oh, I don't want the Sorceress
to think we went digging through her whatever until, you know, she knows,
and so I, I just closed it. Seemed like it was bothering you guys."
Rozafeen: Fold my arms across my chest and I say, "Did we
go digging through this room?"
Vafrus: "obviously not."
Tanam: Deception check for Ruffort and Insight check for Hellena.
And this'll just be, like,
a straight contest.
Rozafeen: Oh, I'm not as good at Insight.
Vafrus: Well, I didn't roll great, so you've got a shot.
Rozafeen: Oh, just kidding.
I am good at Insight.
Okay, that's a 17.
Vafrus: I only got a 16.
Tanam: Okay, yeah.
Vafrus: Although, I do have my talisman.
I can give myself a boost.
I'm gonna do it.
Last one of night.
plus 3.
I'm a 19 now.
Tanam: Okay, Totally didn't go in there.
Vafrus: Or at least you cannot detect lies in any case.
You don't have to believe me.
Rozafeen: If I remember correctly, when we all rolled the first time, we rolled
well enough to know that something wasn't right about it, but not to remember a
whole bunch of lore or facts, right?
Tanam: Yes.
Rozafeen: I say, "Oh, well, that's a relief, because some of the stuff
in there, I can't give you details, but I'm positive it'll mess you
up!" and I start walking downstairs.
Vafrus: Do I get an Insight roll?
Rozafeen: I think it's funnier if he believes me.
I'm just put that out there.
Vafrus: I mean, my, my ability to detect lies is the same as my ability
to like, be wise in general like, um, you can probably lie to me.
Rozafeen: Fine, I rolled a 21 on Deception.
Boom.
I'm just-
Vafrus: see.
worry.
I can beat that as long as I can roll a natural 23.
Don: Does that include the negative one, though?
Vafrus: Okay.
Yeah, no, I got, I got a 17 on the die.
not-
Tanam: But not enough.
Okay.
you definitely believe her.
So I think this is a Wisdom check about how you should proceed.
Vafrus: All this Wisdoming-
Tanam: yep, heh heh
Don: I was gonna say we're gonna use Wisdom to figure out what he does?
We're screwed.
Vafrus: I mean, that's my whole life, right?
Including the tiara bonus, that's a 16!
Tanam: Okay...
Vafrus: that's almost as wise as I can be.
Tanam: Yeah, so I think you believe Hellena, and really
don't want to put them back.
Vafrus: I'll just wrap theim up in something really tight, you know?
Tanam: Yeah, but you don't want to touch them anymore...
Vafrus: I know what.
I'll just I'll just hide one in each of four of the followers', uh, mirror bags.
That should be fine.
Harmony: Excuse me?
Rozafeen: ha ha ha ha
Don: I love this so much.
Harmony: What?
Don: is how we lost four followers
Harmony: Whaaaat?
Don: three followers, one became a sorcerer
Tanam: Okay, so, how are you doing this?
Can you,
Vafrus: Uh Mage Hand, just, you know, in a moment when Urekas is being
her adorable self and everyone's paying attention to her, I'll just
drop a pebble here, drop one there.
Tanam: So you're just gonna do this over the course of the journey?
You've got your bag open a bit, and you're gonna be reaching in there
with Mage Hand and transporting these as you see opportunities.
Harmony: Wow.
I trusted you.
Vafrus: You still do!
Rozafeen: Ugh.
Don: Nothin's happened yet
Tanam: okay so
Vafrus: It's just because I need a mirror bag, right?
For some reason, I don't have one, and you have, like, a bunch of them!
So yeah, I'll just borrow them for a minute.
Tanam: I am going to need to do some reading about the interaction between
hot rocks and mirrorbags I'll need to-
Vafrus: I just want to point out to the group, I was gonna walk by the room.
Tanam was the one who was like "start making Wisdom checks
about the rocks in the room."
Tanam: And
Vafrus: so,
Rozafeen: It's true, you were baited.
Don: Now I I don't know how you want to handle this, of course, but, uh,
you know, as, uh, a bit of an expert on the morphogenic field, uh, and,
you know, having done some research into mirrors myself, uh, I could
have some, some insights on, on this.
Rozafeen: Oh boy, do tell us.
Don: Wow, that was, that was some serious sarcasm.
Vafrus: oh boy, tell us how many, how many of them explode?
Come on.
Don: Welllll all of them.
No, uh, but I, I mean, I didn't, I didn't wanna mess with any, uh, you
know, I mean, it's, it's a game here.
However they act in a lab setting, uh, versus how they act here, is tricky.
Vastly different, I mean...
Tanam: So like mirrors are one thing.
Mirror bags are slightly different.
Don: it's true.
Mirror bags are different.
We've only done experiments with the standard mirror forms.
Tanam: Okay, so mirror bags are different but so you've actually
put hot rocks through mirrors?
Don: Oh yeah.
Tanam: I am actually interested.
What happened?
I was going to look that up, but if you've actually done it.
Don: So, uh, the rocks themselves, uh, they're just fine.
Vafrus: Oh, good.
Don: however, there are some extreme instabilities in the morphogenic field
of the mirror which, we're, I assume that the morphogenic field of the mirror
and the mutagenic field of the hot rocks- Why am I calling them hot rocks?
I hate it.
Oh, I hate it -Of the hot rocks.
Rozafeen: It feels so good, Doesn't it?
Don: It.
Doesn't.
The lukewarm, rocks c'mon.
Okay, anyway, so, they can have extremely, uh, differing effects, and I actually had
postulated that some of the things in the casino perhaps used hot rocks in order to,
create the correct effect for the casino to get the, uh, the results that it does.
Vafrus: So maybe I've just turned everybody's bags into casino mirrors?
Tanam: Only, only if you get the alignment juuuuuuust right.
Which, which tossing it in is not.
Don: Yeah, I don't, the casinos do not throw in hot
rocks, that's not the process.
But I can say that instability is, uh, certain.
Tanam: I'm going to make a call here and we'll just, yeah, it's a game,
and nobody has to be upset about the realism, is that, is that cool?
Don: Oh yeah, yeah, no, I didn't wanna mess with anything, you know, in game.
Tanam: Cool.
Rozafeen: So are you killing the followers?
That's all want to hear about.
Tanam: Oh, well, no, um, uh, so, Ruffort hasn't had a chance to actually do this
yet, this is just the plan, it will take place over the next... however
long it takes for him to, like, see the opportunities and, uh, go for it.
Harmony: Take that Ruffort.
Vafrus: Oh oh no.
Tanam: We do have to, like, okay, so you have four pebbles and a fist sized one.
We will have to figure out the effects that has on you.
Where are you carrying your bag?
Vafrus: I mean, my bag is on my back.
Tanam: Okay, that's on your back.
Okay.
Yeah.
We'll come back to that later.
And so in the meantime, you will have various chances to give it a
try to sneak with the Mage Hand.
We will do those when they happen.
Okay, so everybody's downstairs and heading out the door?
Harmony: Yeeesss.
Vafrus: We wave to the rock guy on our way out.
Don: Wellll hold on a second now.
We don't just wave.
Rozafeen: I thought he was too big for us to offer an even take.
Tanam: You're not gonna
Don: Take, sure, but he can still come with us.
Harmony: Yeah, he could roll, right?
Tanam: No, he's a pile of rocks.
Don: A lot of him can roll!
Vafrus: If everybody takes as many rocks as they can and
fills up their bag with them,
Don: I can only imagine the interaction between an elemental and hot rocks.
Vafrus: do you mean?
Everybody's putting rocks in their bags.
These rocks aren't special or interesting.
What do you...
Don: Yeah, I'm sorry, that was out of character.
Rozafeen: I'm going to wave and walk, and if people want to stop
me, they're welcome to do so...
Don: I'll stop by the elemental for a minute and be like, " Hey, uh, you seemed
really great, and, um, we're gonna get out of here, but, do you wanna come with us?
You seem like a cool pile of rocks."
Tanam: Thanks you for your kindness and politely indicates
that it can't go anywhere.
Don: Alright, I mean,
Harmony: Can I help?
Can I come to the rocks and say, "Hey, we can get you a free hotel room?"
Tanam: Uh, it's it's, you know, the rock pile points out that it is not,
like, can't go in a "has obligations," but as a pile of rocks, that is
tied to the tower, magically, is just not physically going anywhere.
Vafrus: Okay, I'm going to express regret and be like, oh, that's too bad.
If you ever, like, get magically the ability to walk or something,
come visit us and I'll lie to him about where we live.
Don: awesome.
Tanam: How big of a lie?
Vafrus: Opposite direction.
Tanam: Okay.
So let's see what's off in that... Do you want to say like
the Coffee Lands or something
Vafrus: Sure!
Yeah, yeah.
Tanam: -or actually, yes, I know this is, I'm not even gonna roll for
this one because the first thing, that comes to mind- yeah, Klaoil.
Vafrus: I've been trying to go the whole session without saying it because you
guys make fun of how I say it, but yeah.
That place.
Tanam: You lie about where you are situated and the pile of rocks indicates
that that sounds like a fun place to visit if it could visit places.
And you head off into the, uh, quote, "maze."
Vafrus: We'll take all of our cunning.
I try the only path.
Tanam: Oh, and it works!
Teep is, you know, kind of powering through.
And you can tell that- I mean, those of you who, who have any empathy at all,
can tell that- she's, she's definitely, like, this was a hard decision for
her, but she's trying to make her decision and keep on keep on ing.
She and Tagak are holding hands and they're up front.
They actually got ahead of you because you'd stopped to
talk to the pile of rocks.
Teep had briefly said bye to the rocks, with a tone that the pile of
rocks probably did not recognize, but again, those of you with
empathy probably, recognized it as a certain amount of finality.
Harmony: Aww.
Tanam: But she did a pretty good job of hiding it.
Vafrus: Glad she understands the situation.
But really, but really there was a strong risk that she was not going to get it.
Tanam: You can see as you head out through the spiral, she waves to some lizards and
they kind of, like, wag their tails back.
Don: Soooo she does control all the lizards?
Tanam: Well, these are the ones inside the oasis.
Don: Oh, okay.
Tanam: You guys are still heading out from around the tower.
Vafrus: Ah, That's it!
Teep was the ticket out.
They would have attacked us otherwise.
Ah, how clever are we!
Tanam: But you notice that as you head out, her step is getting lighter as she's
getting further away from the tower and you even hear her and Tagak whispering
and laughing at some private joke.
And you come on out into the desert, and again, it's really weird
transitioning out of the oasis.
Like, a strong distinction between inside and outside.
As you walk out into the sand everyone but Teep and Ruffort look
back and the oasis is not there.
It's just desert.
Harmony: This is so trippy.
Vafrus: Was it ever there to begin with?
Don: I gotta learn how to do that.
Vafrus: I'm gonna be in the back, using Mage Hand to furiously try
like, smooth out our tracks as we go.
Cause we are like, a hundred people leaving a clear trail through the desert.
I really don't want to make this as easy as it probably
is gonna be, so, yeah, that's-
Rozafeen: I mean, actually, hold on a sec. I have a thing, let
me look up how long it lasts.
Vafrus: Pass Without a Trace?
It's way better than what I got.
Rozafeen: Hmm.
let's see how big of a spell it is and how long it lasts.
About an hour?
Vafrus: That, that-
Rozafeen: Okay everybody, huddle up.
Vafrus: Woo!
Rozafeen: We gotta be within 30 feet.
Harmony: Okie dokie.
Don: Wait, is it stay within 30 feet at all times or just-
Rozafeen: Just when I cast it.
Don: all right.
Rozafeen: So, you can't be... well, you can't be tracked by non-magical
means, so we might be up a creek for the Sorceress, but you know, it's something.
Vafrus: Yeah, it means that lizards can't sniff us out in the, and there's
no tracks to, at least for an hour, which, you know, it's pretty good.
We can get a ways in an hour.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Vafrus: I propose we push double time for this hour.
This is this is gonna be a- a trek.
Harmony: Yeah, I'll double time.
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: Urekas do you have anything for that?
Vafrus: Force-marching through deserts.
Harmony: Wait, for the double time?
Vafrus: Can you play us a tune to make us feel better about
force-marching through a desert?
Harmony: Nothin' to make you feel better... um...
Rozafeen: I can turn into something that can carry anyone who's particularly,
you know, slow or weak or infirm.
Obviously not 30 people or however many the hell we are with all followers,
but If there's one or two people that need a ride I can help them out.
Vafrus: I like how both of us just don't want to count.
Tanam: um, I, I don't think that anyone is in such, uh, bad shape that
they can't keep up with a fast walk.
Vafrus: Ooh, before you cast this spell, let's go the wrong way for like 30
yards and then we'll go the right way.
Rozafeen: Sure.
Tanam: South, probably?
Vafrus: Sure.
Tanam: Okay, so you head south for a bit, and then cast the spell down there, and
then pass without trace back to the west.
Vafrus: We're so clever.
All of this is going to be for naught when, I don't know, she's like,
"where's my magic talisman of locating? Oh, it's in the stuff you took!"
Rozafeen: I fully expect in 24 hours this lady to be on my door, knocking
on it, saying, where's my money?
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: And I want you to think of me every single time.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: I like how much that I am the butt of the argument, I don't know.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: We seem to be in the middle of robbing some poor
old lady, so that's a start.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Wasn't it great though?
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of
roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Everyone be quiet for five seconds.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my
drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game
design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Rozafeen: Time check, I got like four minutes, no, six or seven
minutes to get out of this "maze."