The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires. I'm your host, the Intern who gets to use the chronoscope! Oh, I wanted to learn more about hot rocks, so I used the chronoscope to investigate. Hot rocks are interesting, but dangerous. There was this place called the Tower Empire. I think that's where Tanam imagines the Sorceress is from.
Maybe she brought her tower with her? Was that an actual thing? Okay, note to self, check whether towers were ever relocated. Um, where was I? Oh, okay, so, uh, there were a lot of hot rock deposits in the Tower Empire, and the people who lived there would purposefully expose themselves to try to get powers, and sometimes it worked, but other times they got sick. Sometimes science is depressing.
Anyway, after checking out the Tower Empire during its not so glory days, I got lucky with the chronoscope and landed on the exact moment Tanam and Vafrus were on a trip to the former Tower Empire. They were both students --way young looking students, I might add-- and they independently signed up to take their adorable selves on a magically protected tour of hot rocks.
One time, baby college Vafrus looked like he was going to purposefully step outside the magical barrier, and "my mom still does my laundry on the weekends" Tanam looked like he was going to have a heart attack about it. I assume that's why Tanam put that Hot Rocks room in the game, but was it to give Vafrus a fun surprise? Or was it D& D based exposure therapy for Tanam? Don't use your friends for therapy, Tanam. Hashtag therapists have training for a reason. Hashtag you get what you paid for.
Tanam: Okay. So it's been a bit. Does anyone want to, uh, remind us where we are?
Vafrus: yeah, I'll do a little bit of a recap. I'll, I'll cover a few sessions. So we trekked across the desert to the Sorceress's Tower after carefully interrogating some lizards. Didn't learn anything useful from them, strangely. Got to the tower, there was this kind of natural spiral maze through an oasis which, surely won't come up or be a problem, getting out of that.
Tanam: "Maze" is an awfully strong term.
Vafrus: Okay, well, yeah, there was a winding path that we had to follow, go all the way around the tower to get to its entrance. We got to the front, and we went across. I was trying to be sneaky, didn't turn out well. We talked to the rock creature in front, gave it some coffee. Got inside, talked to the Sorceress lady. Uh, she was mean to us, we were perfect angels; somehow a fight broke out-
Harmony: I love your turn of events.
Don: It's really nice how the victor tells the story. I mean, "victor" I can say very loosely-
Vafrus: Yeah, the Sorceress had Suggested Urekas, that Urekas had to leave, but we bopped her on the head a couple of times and she lost concentration, and then Urekas Suggested her back that she had to, uh, go wander the desert for a thousand years, which was wonderful.
Harmony: For the next eight hours.
Vafrus: yes, for the next, for a thousand years, for the next eight hours. And then we started exploring the tower. We found a room full of rocks that are apparently both dangerous and useless, but definitely... treasure, I'm, I'm still certain. Tagak finally was reunited with her lover, Teep, and they were not so good at pattern recognition, as the doors were open one at a time until the fifth one expelled fire, but I guess everyone managed okay. We have not yet gone into the fifth door, even though that's clearly where all the good stuff is. Instead, we decided to go up the stairs further. We found the top of the tower, and the view is still just as dark as it was before, and that's where we are now.
Don: I mean, to be fair, like, for the people that have views, it's probably really nice.
Vafrus: It's probably really nice!
Don: For those people who actually have-
Rozafeen: Oh, it's gorgeous.
Don: yeah, no, thanks.
Harmony: It's the best.
Don: We can all see it, except we can't.
Harmony: You can't even imagine.
Don: Like, okay, even if I had dark vision, which I do not, I'm lit up like a freaking... I don't know-
Rozafeen: That's true. If you could step back a little bit so the rest of us could see, that would be great.
Harmony: Mhm.
Don: if you could give me dark vision- you know what, I'm going back down the freaking ladder. Stairs, I don't know.
Vafrus: Oh, also importantly, we learned from Teep, that Teep, at least, does not believe her mother is involved with spiders, or anything. Clearly she just doesn't know her mom that well, but it is a noteworthy piece of non evidence.
Don: definitely feel like Teep doesn't know her mom that well. That seems...
Rozafeen: yeah.
Don: ...pretty accurate.
Vafrus: We're gonna go into the bedroom, there's gonna be piles of spider summoning books.
Tanam: " How to Summon a Spider in Five Easy Steps."
Don: I can only assume that summoning a spider also takes just a lot of gold coins. Maybe even platinum coins. Just a lot of them.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: That's my hope.
Harmony: When you said that, I heard it as spiders summoning books, and I was like, why would the spiders be doing that?
Vafrus: So after everyone's done looking at the view... Or maybe even before that, depending on how long they take, I'm going to go with Georg back down. see what's in the good bedroom!
Rozafeen: If we can get it open this time.
Vafrus: Yeah,
Tanam: Okay, so is everybody heading down back inside the tower?
Rozafeen: Indeed.
Harmony: I really want inside the good bedroom.
Don: Yeah, Georg is sort of sitting at the bottom, kind of examining the door, trying to figure out if the door has any good loot. And by that I mean, is the door something I can open if I punch it really hard?
Tanam: The door is shut again, it does not seem to be in a different state than it was when it got magehand'd; it's hard to say if it looks any different than it did before.
Don: Oh, wait, wait, wait. So, it opened just fine, just the fire came out of it?
Vafrus: it opened, the fire came out and then after it was reported to not be open.
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: We have not seen it close, nor has it been explained how it managed to both be opened and not open now.
Don: Oh yeah, then I'm really examining this door to see how it fires fire and then is also closed. I'd like to enchant my armor in the same way. If something hits it, it gets fired.
Vafrus: Next time we see Georg, he's just got a door strapped to his back.
Don: You know what, that's very possible. If the trap works based on the door, it's a little too possible.
Tanam: If you want to do an Investigation check-
Don: Oh, I do. I really... I wanted to do an Investigation check, but let me tell you, I was distracted by all of the things that people were saying about me and being lit up, and I only got an 11.
Tanam: That's including your-
Don: Oh yeah, no, that, there's a plus seven in that.
Tanam: Intern's teeth!
Don: Yeah, it wasn't good,
Tanam: yeah, it's a door.
Don: Thanks.
Tanam: there are no burn marks anywhere.
Don: Wow, one hell of a door. I think it's magical. Like, I, I know that magic is an easily explainable phenomenon, and that obviously there should be something, like, gas or pressurized something on the other side of the door, but that thing seems really magical to me.
Harmony: Wow. I'm really proud of you right now.
Don: Yeah, why don't you go ahead and open that door so I can investigate better?
Harmony: You want me to open the door?
Don: That counts as a help action, it gives me advantage, right? , out of character.
Harmony: I would love to help you open the door. I really would-
Don: Oh good, go right ahead!
Harmony: -but, I have a hand modeling job coming up, and I can't risk anything.
Don: Great.
Vafrus: Also, we need Urekas to not be injured for the next eight hours.
Rozafeen: Yes.
Don: Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point.
Harmony: Or forever.
Vafrus: Yeah, or forever.
Tanam: but specifically.
Don: I'm good with the next eight hours. After eight hours is up, do what you like.
Vafrus: sorry, for the next thousand years is what I meant to say.
Harmony: Thank you.
Don: Okay, we all know that that's eight hours in disguise.
Vafrus: Yes, yes, everybody is on the same page.
Vafrus: I'm gonna just quietly ask the Prince if he can take a peek inside the door.
Tanam: Can you roll a Persuasion?
Vafrus: Mm hmm.
Tanam: And no, you're not pretending to be someone else.
Vafrus: Nope, this is perhaps the only soul in the world for whom I am not pretending. Uh, that's a 26.
Tanam: Okay!
Vafrus: "Almighty Prince of Darkness who rules over all. There might be some really sweet treasure behind that door. Will you go tell me if there is? Also, if you can figure out how to open it, that'd be great."
Harmony: You need to make it rhyme.
Don: Don't think rhymes have anything to do with this. I think he just asked somebody and it's fine.
Harmony: Rhymes make it more magical.
Don: You're not like, "I will ask you questions three. What have you need of me?" That doesn't do anything. It just adds extra words. That doesn't make any sense.
Harmony: You're adding extra words.
Don: Yeah, I guess I am.
Tanam: So, uh, you get a feeling of kind of reluctance,
Vafrus: But I was so persuasive though!
Tanam: You were definitely extremely persuasive, so I'm saying, what is it that Calumn does to-
Vafrus: Oh, oh. How am I so persuasive?
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: That's kind of an interesting question because my entire perception of how the Prince works is wrong.
Tanam: I think the Prince is invested in you continuing to have those incorrect assumptions.
Vafrus: Sure, yeah, I'll start imagining all the armies of darkness that we can probably summon using the spider summoning books that are surely in there. Being able to bring our own spiders to the next battle will be really good.
Tanam: You get the feeling that the mention of the spider summoning books- you feel him be convinced by that you are certain that it is a hundred percent about the great spider armies, which is why that has been convincing to him.
Vafrus: Yes. Ah, excellent. Alright.
Tanam: Okay. So you feel his presence dip away.
Vafrus: There's a Prince shaped explosion.
Tanam: He comes back and reports that there are a bunch of books, none of them are titled "Spider Summoning" or, "How to Summon Evil Creatures for Fun and Profit" or, anything like that. They seem to be mostly journals, and some history books, that sort of thing. There is a extremely large amount of gold but like, there's no obvious mechanism related to the fire spell on the door.
Harmony: I want to read the journals.
Tanam: So you don't know this yet, the Prince is just saying this to-
Vafrus: Yeah, I will, I will report to my friends. If I thought I could get the door open myself, then I might keep it to myself, but, uh, I don't think I can, so. Yep, like, "Uh, guys, I've, I've peered inside with my mystic arts, and there are a bunch of books and a lot of gold."
Harmony: I like books and gold.
Don: So, I was checking out this door. Uh, and I think I need to punch it, really hard.
Harmony: Why do you have to punch the door?
Don: Uh, it's a bad door. That's all.
Vafrus: It needs to be punched.
Rozafeen: I mean, I don't have any better ideas, although, are Tagak and the daughter still here?
Tanam: No, they are, not in the hallway anymore.
Rozafeen: Punch it! Punch it!
Don: I bet they're not in the hallway anymore.
Vafrus: Is their bedroom the only other door that's closed now?
Tanam: Yes.
Vafrus: Acceptable.
Don: There's one door in this place we don't punch.
Harmony: Okay, won't the door be really, I don't know, warm if you punch it? Will it burn you?
Don: I have big ol gauntlets, and I hold up one of my thunder gauntlets, as I like to call them.
Harmony: Thunder gauntlets?
Don: Yeah, I call this one thunder and this one lightning, but they sorta do the same thing.
Rozafeen: Do you kiss 'em?
Don: do. I sure do.
Tanam: Okay, so your plan is to punch the door, uh, super hard.
Don: I mean, if I had a better plan...
Harmony: But he kisses those gauntlets first.
Tanam: Oh, that changes everything.
Don: Yeah, I mean, I give them each, uh, what I like to call an enchantment of, uh, love. Is that right, Urekas?
Harmony: Yes. Correct. I'm so proud of you.
Don: Thanks.
Tanam: Does anyone else want to inspect the door or anything before punching happens?
Rozafeen: I didn't say this out loud, but I tried rolling an Investigation, and let's just say that it went unremarkably bad.
Don: Yeah, I rolled a wisdom check and it rolled really remarkably bad. That's why I'm punching the door.
Harmony: I could try rolling something.
Don: 's it to stop Georg from doing something stupid check? Cause I wouldn't actually mind that.
Vafrus: I feel like this is going great. I see no reason why y'all are, like, having problems with the punch the door plan.
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm not. Punch it.
Don: Alright, just before I punch the door, I do a quick check, uh, tighten some bolts. It gives me five temporary hit points.
Tanam: Okay.
I hope that's enough temporary hit points. And then I, um... I punch the door. Hard? Look, I brought another character sheet. I understand how bad of an idea this is.
Just as a... curiosity, how many hit points do you have?
Don: uh,
Rozafeen: asking for a friend
Don: Fifty three.
Tanam: 53. Okay. and so this next question is important.
Harmony: Oh, jeez.
Don: The last one wasn't, though. I'm really glad, because I didn't I was really hoping that last one wasn't super important.
Vafrus: Completely unrelated to what's going on right now.
Harmony: Just out of curiosity.
Don: Oh boy.
Tanam: Okay. So-
Don: Really high Intelligence and a really low wisdom, and it seemed a little too much like something I'd do. Those'll be my last words.
Tanam: okay, what would you-
Rozafeen: Is he dead? I might have a spell for that.
Vafrus: Which afterlife would you prefer?
Tanam: Where on the door are you hitting?
Don: I felt like I wanted to, uh, take it at its weakest point, which is usually the handle, right?
Tanam: Mm. Okay.
Harmony: Is it too late to offer Bardic Inspiration? I have one more.
Don: Oh, I feel like a saving throw might be nice here. Like, maybe a Dexterity saving throw or a Constitution saving throw. Or, you know what? Maybe a Charisma saving throw, because I am going to impose my will on that door.
Tanam: Okay. You can go ahead and expend that inspiration and you have the, is it 1D8 now?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Okay. You have that one D8 of inspiration. uh, where is everybody else going to be?
Harmony: Far.
Vafrus: I remember how far the fire went before and am only slightly further than that. I'm like, yeah, this is probably fine.
Rozafeen: I'm pretty far away, Just putting that on record.
Tanam: Okay. I'm gonna have you make an attack roll against the door.
Don: Yeah that's a 25. I already anticipated that part.
Tanam: Okay, cool, how much damage do you do with your thunder situation?
Don: Alright, so... oh, wait, I need another d8 there. Okay, seven.
Tanam: Seven damage, huh?
Don: Yeahhh. If it makes you feel better, it has disadvantage on attack rolls against me.
Vafrus: That seems eminently relevant.
Don: I don't know if that counts as an attack, but yeah, I was hopin' so.
Tanam: Um. So you rear back, everybody's, you know, holds their breath. Urekas is saying something super encouraging or possibly negging you.
Harmony: "You got this!"
Don: Oh, Encouraging. That's very nice of you.
Harmony: Uh huh, you're welcome.
Rozafeen: That exchange was magical.
Tanam: -and you rear back and punch- okay, so you don't do enough damage to completely splinter the door, however, you do do enough damage tooooo smash through the latch area. And smashing through the latch does trigger some fire.
Don: just a little fire? I am now trying to, uh, roll, slash, jump, slash, move away from the door, uh, in a, uh, perpendicular direction as quickly as possible.
Tanam: Okay, are you going to get 20 feet away?
Don: I mean, it depends on how long I've got. If I've got six seconds, we're good.
Tanam: No, I think you are going to do a Dexterity saving throw.
Don: Okay, 17. That used my Bardic Inspiration; it was not good before that.
Tanam: Yeahhh.
Harmony: Yeah, you're welcome.
Don: You might have just saved my life so thank you.
Harmony: Oh! You're welcome!
Tanam: Okay, cool. so you take, only half damage on that. Okay, what do we got?
Vafrus: They're d20s, but they're just covered in 1s.
Tanam: ha ha ha yeah. Uh, only... 10 fire damage.
Don: Oh ow! Oh no! ow!
Vafrus: That was so much drama--
Don: Ow! Ow!
Vafrus: -- for ten damage.
Don: Oh.
Tanam: Yeah, I didn't roll super well.
Vafrus: I'm there, like, about to try to cast, like, healing spells on the corpse that I assume is gonna be, like, smoldering in that place, and I'm oh. You're fine, big baby.
Don: I realize that I'm not that badly injured, I just have a bit of burning on the exposed flesh. I go, "oh, good. This armor does a great job."
Vafrus: All right. Does, does the door look like it's damaged?
Tanam: That latch area is super smashed. Like it's cracked there and the latch is hanging at a weird angle. Um, and the door is halfway open now. Not all the way, but like at a 45 degree angle.
Vafrus: Oh, enough that someone could squeeze in there and--
Tanam: Yeah, someone who's not, um...
Don: Someone who's not Georg, I get it.
Tanam: Your armor is pretty wide, right?
Don: Yeah, it's really wide.
Vafrus: I'm fairly dexterous. I'll try to, I'll try to squeeze in there.
Tanam: What skill are you using to try to get in there?
Vafrus: I'm trying to get in the room by touching everything as little as possible, and I think the skill is Acrobatics.
Tanam: Sounds good.
Vafrus: Alright, 13.
Tanam: You're trying super hard to not touch anything. You're sucking your tummy in and you're like walking sideways and you trip a bit and... Your butt runs into the wall side.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: You get super freaked out that you have failed to not touch anything. What would you like, what skill would you like to use to stay calm and not make it worse?
Vafrus: Oh no... that's all the bad skills. if you'll let me just make a straight Int check, I'll take that.
Tanam: Sure.
Vafrus: Alright, that's at least got positive numbers. Hey, dirty 20!
Tanam: Oh wow, okay. Yeah, you stay calm and nothing happens as far as you can tell. You touched the wall but not the door and you're able to slip inside.
Vafrus: Alright, I'll light up a coin. Shine it around. See what I can see.
Tanam: Okay. There's a bunch of books piled around. It's a pretty sizable room. There's a very large bed with flowing canopies and curtains; it looks extremely comfortable. And there's a not particularly large armoire slightly ajar and you can see some gowns and cloaks and things in there. And there is a-
Tanam: Oh. We're going to pause real quick. I will be right back.
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: So, congratulations everyone on making only good decisions so far.
Harmony: Yeah, we're killin' it.
Rozafeen: I think we're doin' great.
Harmony: I'm excited by how comfortable this bed looks.
Vafrus: I am like, "aww, I wish I could live here."
Harmony: I mean, we can.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Harmony: We have a thousand years, right?
Vafrus: A thousand years, exactly, yeah.
Harmony: I can't wait to just, like... feel the pillows.
Tanam: Okay, back um...
Harmony: Hey, that reminds me! Don, we were just talking about how we want everyone to visit us in Klaoil.
Don: Oh, yeah. Uh, sometime soon. Uh, everybody should come down.
Tanam: Oh, that'd be awesome.
Vafrus: I've always wanted to come visit Kloyal, actually, yeah.
Rozafeen: Could take the bump over.
Tanam: Yeah, I think that's probably how I'll get there. Vafrus, do you want to meet up and take it over with me?
Vafrus: Sure, yeah, yeah, bump pooling is always great.
Don: Awesome.
Harmony: Don will host.
Rozafeen: Oh, Don's hosting?
Don: Uh, Don's hosting?
Vafrus: Yeah, party at Don's house!
Don: Don gets to clean his house. Hey.
Harmony: Oh, Vafrus, you can bring your girlfriend!
Vafrus: Ooh, I, I'm pretty sure she's busy this weekend, but I'll, I'll totally show up.
Rozafeen: Wait, wait. Did Harmony you should bring your girlfriend and your response was, she's busy this-
Vafrus: She, she, she, she's legitimately, actually busy this weekend, I happen to know.
Rozafeen: Uh huh.
Don: She's got a lot of legitimate busyness.
Vafrus: Exactly, yeah. In her real life that she has.
Don: It's funny how you have to emphasize real and life.
Vafrus: Yeah, well, most people aren't under such inquisition about whether or not they're real, so I felt like emphasis was necessary.
Don: Mmm.
Vafrus: But yeah, I'll totally come. I've heard Kloyal's great.
Don: Uh, I, was thinking we go to the museum and show you around. You haven't seen Klaoil.
Vafrus: Ooooo, can we go to Ikky's?
Don: I mean, that's what I was thinking, yeah, yeah.
Rozafeen: Should I be excited about Ikky's?
Vafrus: First, hard partying at Don's house. Like, really wreck the place, then Ikky's.
Rozafeen: I just wanted go on record that I was promised museums.
Don: Yeah, Ikky's.
Harmony: Well, Don's furniture is so old, it's like going to a museum.
Don: Hey!
Rozafeen: The place houses Don.
Harmony: Exhibit 1, Don's bedroom.
Don: I we can stay out of my bedroom.
Harmony: Wish you had said that to me earlier.
Tanam: Um.
Don: Rude.
Rozafeen: You seem to have awfully strong feelings about Don's bedroom there.
Harmony: I, don't know anything about Don's bedroom.
Tanam: so game, game. Yeah, let's, go back to playing the game. I am excited to come see you.
Don: Yeah it'll be great. Back to the game,
Tanam: back to the game.
Don: and not about Don's bedroom.
Vafrus: So what was happening again? There was like, there was like books, right? There's the books. The, the, the bookshelf. I look at the bookshelf.
Tanam: Oh yeah, I was going to explain the rest of the room. So there's a big, long desk. Like long and wide and it's piled with a bunch of different books, some scrolls, quills, and sheaths of blank parchment. And there's a shelf next to it with more books on it, and on the top of the shelf, there are gold plates, like, eating plates, but with lots of intricate carving around the edge, as well as some embedded gemstones.
Vafrus: Kind of inconvenient to eat around, but I'll take it. By which I mean, I will, without checking for traps, immediately take it.
Tanam: oh no, there's eight of them. Decoratively, it's a set.
Vafrus: Wonderful. Yeah, I will, I will carefully begin filling up- if I, oh, I have a bag with me. I'm going to dump it out and start filling it up with treasure instead.
Rozafeen: What was in the bag?
Vafrus: Let's see.
Don: Probably rocks.
Vafrus: Like, my bed.
Tanam: Don't you have a mirror bag?
Vafrus: I have a crowbar, a hammer, ten pittons, some rations, rope, tinderbox, some torches, a water skin, and a deck of cards. All on the ground.
Tanam: I thought we were going to do, everybody has a mirror bag, but, um-
Vafrus: if I have a mirror bag, sure, I'll take that. Like, then never mind, I won't throw it all on the ground.
Rozafeen: Yes, we all have a mirror bag.
Tanam: But, you know, I really want Calumn to have left his mirror bag back at the-
Vafrus: We're going to the desert, I'm not gonna take my good bag.
Tanam: Exactly, yeah.
Don: Here's the thing, you take a, a mirror bag out in the sand, in the desert, you end up with a mirror full of sand. just, oh, it's the worst. It gets everywhere.
Vafrus: I'll keep my rod, my four stone pouch, and the water skin. Every- everything else- uh, and the rope. Keep the, keep the rope. the tinderbox though. Why do I even have that? I'm a, I'm a fricking sorcerer. I, anyway, I'll fill, fill up my bag with plates first and what, what else we got?
Tanam: Okay, let me write down the things that you have dropped on the floor.
Vafrus: Yes, yes.
Tanam: Um, left the following on the floor:
Vafrus: One leather armor, looking shitty from having been gambled at the mirror place.
Tanam: That one was... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So No, no, no, no. The armor...
Vafrus: There was two armors, one of them got dusted.
Tanam: Yeah yeah yeah yeah okay.
Vafrus: One of them is looking bad. A crowbar.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Maybe could have used that to open doors. a hammer. Uh, ten... pitons I think they're called. They're, like, for climbing. Ten rations; hopefully we don't need to eat. One tinderbox. Ten torches. And deck of cards.
Tanam: Oh, you're leaving the deck of cards?
Vafrus: It's not made of gold! You can get a lot of decks of cards for gold!
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm not there, so I'm not hearing any of this, but it's actually sound reasoning.
Harmony: Agreed.
Tanam: Okay. the bad leather armor has passed through the mirrors in the Gambling Hall, right?
Vafrus: If I remember correctly, it was... it's like slightly worse than before.
Tanam: The other one is the one that turned into dust, basically.
Vafrus: yeah, yeah the dust one is gone.
Tanam: I'm assuming that you picked some of these up along the way, or maybe you got sold, like, a pack?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, I bought a bag-
Tanam: with this stuff in it.
Vafrus: With a bunch of useful stuff in it, and I'm like, what the, a tinderbox?
Tanam: Was the deck of cards in there?
Vafrus: That's probably just mine. I seem like the kind of guy who would have a deck of cards and use it for not always, you know, up and up things.
Rozafeen: So at some point, I want to look at the other people who are outside of the room and say, "Are we really going to let that guy be the only one who chooses which books come back out of that room?"
Harmony: That's a good point.
Tanam: Right as you say that, there is a loud dumping sound of shit falling on the floor.
Vafrus: All the metal pittons. BA NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH
Don: I feel compelled to go investigate.
Vafrus: You guys can probably see me. Like, there's, if there was enough space me to move you guys could probably poke your heads in.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I'm gonna let Georg try to get through the door, and if that works and he pushes it open, great, and if not, then I'll try to get creative.
Don: Are you guys in the trap range?
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, I should stand back, huh?
Vafrus: I'm busy with my bags. So, you know...
Don: I bet you should stay all the way in that room, cause I bet she wouldn't burn her own house down. But everybody else stand clear, oh this is probably gonna hurt. The door's open 45 degrees, right?
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: So I stand with my back against the wall and I use my arm to just like push the door the rest of the way open.
Tanam: So you are pressed up against the wall and you're trying to push the door open further?
Don: Yeah, yeah, like, my back's against the wall and I'm just using my arm to, to push, and then I pull my arm back as soon as it's happened.
Tanam: Could you make a perception check?
Don: Fourteen.
Tanam: You notice that the latch looks like there's something going on with it.
Don: Oh, in that case I check out that latch to see any enchantments on it.
Tanam: Are you doing like an arcana check?
Don: I could do an arcana, straight investigation...
Vafrus: Do a "don't believe in magic" check.
Don: I mean, yeah, I feel like straight investigation is more, not that I don't know arcana, I know arcana, it's just, using it to develop, uh, proper, realistic applications. So, fourteen.
Tanam: Hmm.
Don: I've been rolling really terribly.
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: I'm plus freaking 7 to investigation.
Tanam: You can tell that there's something up with it, but you can't tell exactly what.
Don: I might have to take this door home to study it later. Do I think that the door is gonna blast me if I open it with my back turned to the wall, being real careful?
Tanam: I think give me a wisdom check. One last wisdom check.
Don: Oh boy, that's not- That's not the kind of check you wanna really? Oh, alright, a 15. 15 it is.
Tanam: Cool. Okay. you... have a feeling that you should probably not touch the latch, but you reach above the latch , open the door, brace yourself, and slowly start pushing the door. And it opens.
Don: Sweet. Alright, yeah. I walk in.
Vafrus: Have I managed to fill up my bag by this point? This seemed like a really extensive, like, examined the thing...
Tanam: You have loaded all of the, the plates into your bag. What did you start doing after that?
Vafrus: I'm gonna fill up my bag with everything, from most valuable to least valuable. So, if, if there's no more gold things, then books, sheets, well, like, whatever. Like-
Tanam: Yeah, I guess I shouldn't put. the idea of taking sheets past y'all.
Rozafeen: They're valuable and fun!
Vafrus: I mean, if there's anything that's clearly magic, I'll go for that first. But it's, it sounded like, you know, the gold was the main ticket item, so, yeah, I'm looking for money. That's what I want.
Tanam: There's a small table over by the armoire and there's some jewelry on there. Some rings and a, little circlet-
Vafrus: I'll put on all the jewelry to see if it's magical.
Don: Guess that's one way to do it?
Tanam: So you just, you just put on the tiara and, um-
Vafrus: Yep, tiara on my head, rings on my fingers. If there's earrings, I don't think I've got my ears pierced, so I'll have to wait with those, but everything else...
Rozafeen: Clip-ons, though. Clip ons are happening.
Tanam: Okay. There are five rings and the tiara.
Vafrus: Yep.
Don: I feel like this is about the time I walk in.
Vafrus: yeah, probably. yeah.
Tanam: While Ruffort is trying on the tiara, and there's a pile of adventuring gear on the floor over by the bookshelf. Vafrus, was Calumn trying to hide the fact that he was- that he took all the plates?
Vafrus: No. No, no. He's... He already told everyone there's treasure here.
Tanam: Okay, how many plates did we say? Eight?
Vafrus: My bag's like on the floor with one of the plates like hanging out of it, you know. like-
Tanam: Okay, yeah, we, uh, we don't need to do a, uh, a big perception check. You are trying on the tiara and halfway through putting the first ring onto your finger. Don, do you want to say anything before I start rolling for these rings?
Don: Yeah, I think if I come in and I see him, just wearing all this stuff, I'm gonna go, "Oh, oh, you look quite, uh, quite ni- wait a second, are those... Magical? Oh hey, pitons!"
Tanam: So you've put the tiara on?
Vafrus: Yep. Tiara is on my head.
Tanam: So, you feel, like, way better at everything. Like whatever you'd try right now, you'd be, the best at it.
Vafrus: Oh, I mean, that's always how I feel, but alright.
Tanam: but, like, even more so, and, like, you feel like relaxed, and much more chill.
Vafrus: Cool, I'm into it. Ring number 1!
Tanam: Okay, the first ring is gold with a ruby in it. You put it on your finger, and it feels like a ring. Do you continue putting rings on?
Vafrus: Um, yeah, I will make a brief show of how amazing the ring seems to me.
Tanam: The next ring is silver. It has a diamond in it, and you slide it onto your finger and it also feels like a ring.
Vafrus: I'll do like a stifled gasp.
Tanam: one is simple, it looks like it might be, like, bronze even, and, how do we want to do this check...? I guess, arcana?
Vafrus: Sure, that's a five.
Tanam: And so that's a four.
Vafrus: Sorry, what's a four?
Tanam: You rolled a five; you rolled a four-
Vafrus: oh,
Tanam: -is what I'm saying.
Vafrus: Oh, I see. Because the crown is very good. Excellent.
Tanam: So the bronze ring just seems like a ring, nothing special about it.
Vafrus: All right, I'm going to stop the act because it's pretty clear these are all just rings, but I'm going to put the other two on anyways.
Tanam: Okay. The fourth one, let's see, running out of, metal ideas here. This one is wood.
Vafrus: I will make a disappointed face as I put it on. Wooden ring, fine.
Don: Feel like a wooden ring, really. Like, if you're gonna- That would be my first put on, although that's not how I would test it. But if I was gonna test it that way, it's a wood ring! Nobody makes a wood ring without it being awesome.
Vafrus: I mean... If somebody gave me a wood ring, that'd be pretty cool, because they probably had to make it themselves, but I would not, like, buy one at a jewelry shop. Like, come on, man. Wooden ring.
Tanam: So it's very nicely carved. Are you looking at it at all, or just kind of putting it on?
Vafrus: Not very closely. Yeah, I'll just put it on.
Tanam: Okay, it has some carvings. Could you roll another arcana?
Vafrus: 15 down to 14 this time. I actually have a thing, if I'm, if I fail an ability check, I can, I could do something, so, I guess let me know?
Tanam: Oh okay, Yeah.
Vafrus: In that case, I can add a 3 to that, that's uh, 17 now.
Tanam: You still fail.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: So I will say that you do know that it is probably magical.
Vafrus: Oh, this is the best one so far! Alright. Magic ring number five! be made outta iron... Maybe it's like a hollowed out emerald. Like someone had a really big emerald and they were like, you know what would be great? A big hole in the middle of this. Turned it into a ring.
Tanam: I like the iron. It is an iron ring.
Vafrus: Have you guys come in by this point? If the door is open?
Rozafeen: Yeah, did he leave it open wide enough that we can get through?
Tanam: yeah, yeah, yeah, he opened it all the way.
Vafrus: So you guys can probably come in and watch the ring trying-ons.
Harmony: Hmm.
Don: I'm mostly ignoring 'im. I'm picking up the tinderbox, rope, the pitons. I'm like, let me know if any of those are magical, and I'll let you know if you die.
Harmony: You'll let him know if he dies?
Don: Yeah, I'll tell his corpse.
Harmony: Okay.
Rozafeen: I mean, Arcana is not really where I shine, so I don't think I can be helpful with Mr. Fingers in Every Ring. But I would like to check out any books that he hasn't yet done bad things to.
Tanam: There are a pile of books on a desk and some more on a shelf.
Harmony: I'll read books with you.
Rozafeen: Okay. Yeah, how do you want to do this in order to not be tedious? I don't want you to read me like 12 titles.
Tanam: I guess, are you looking for anything in particular or are you, just browsing?
Rozafeen: Depending on how many there are... Well, okay, If I could just dump all the magical books in my mirror bag and sort this shit out later at the hotel, that's what I would do.
Tanam: So you're just going to take her whole library and dump it into a mirror bag?
Rozafeen: I- depending on whether I can and how big of a library we're talking, like, if it's a bookshelf, that'll fit in a mirror bag for sure. If it's, like, You know, thousands of books that I might have to roll to get lucky or something.
Tanam: Yeah, it's not a whole library, it's like a bookshelf and plus a bunch of stuff on the desk. So you could fit it in your mirror bag.
Rozafeen: Okay great. They all go in the mirror bag.
Tanam: So there is the possibility that they will be slightly degraded by that process. Some of the words might get altered.
Rozafeen: Oh! Well that's a problem for spell books.
Vafrus: It just makes the spells spicier.
Don: Yeah, definitely. Also, books on spelling. Those are going to be a problem, too.
Tanam: So, none of them seem to be spellbooks
Rozafeen: Okay, so reset because we would have all known that. So, alright, I take all the books and I dump them in my mirror bag.
Vafrus: I'm like, "Oh man, I knew I should have brought my mirror bag."
Don: Meanwhile, I'm putting all your random crap that you put on the floor- pitons, rope. The tinderbox I'm keeping.
Rozafeen: I think that you should put all those things in your mirror bag if you brought it.
Don: Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Rozafeen: Looks like you got a lot of torches now.
Don: Yeah, torches. See, I can make a lot of good things with these. Torches, a tinderbox. I bet I can make a fire trap with this.
Tanam: Okay. So, there's some bad leather armor-
Don: it goes in. I need padding for mine. And spare parts.
Tanam: a crowbar, hammer, ten pittons, ten rations-
Vafrus: Realistically, there's probably eight rations, because I probably, like-
Tanam: hahahaha probably ate some of them.
Don: Down to eight rations.
Tanam: A tinderbox, ten torches, and a deck of cards.
Don: After I put it in my bag, I pull out a ration and I start munchin on some... dried... somethin'.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: To go back to, uh, you know, the reason why I came in here, which was the books, I just got distracted by the stuff on the floor. But if they're all gone and in a bag, then cool. Yeah, I mean, I'll check them out later.
Tanam: okay. Uh, did we-
Vafrus: The iron, the iron ring result is yet to be known.
Tanam: Yes. Okay. go ahead and roll the-
Vafrus: Arcana check? That's, uh, dirty 20, counting the tiara bonus. Quote "bonus."
Tanam: Okay, yeah, this is a ring of heat metal.
Vafrus: Oh!
Tanam: You've happened to, uh, run across one of these before, you've never actually had one, but one of the people in one of the crews that you were working with- somebody had one and, you can do, heat metal once a day.
Vafrus: Cool. Hey, Gorg, watch this!
Don: Are you actually doing this?
Vafrus: No, absolutely not.
Don: Okay.
Vafrus: I don't hate you that much.
Don: I was about to have some really warm armor that I can doff in an action.
Vafrus: You would sure need to.
Don: Yep.
Vafrus: Okay, obviously I want to keep the tiara, that's clearly the most valuable thing here.
Tanam: are you gonna keep it on?
Vafrus: Oh yeah, oh yeah, it makes me good at everything, why would I ever take it off again? Although I might look a little bit silly with a tiara. Uh, it's fine. I look great. I'm good at everything. What's the problem? There is none.
Tanam: Yeah. Despite not using any means of checking how you look, you are certain that you look fabulous.
Vafrus: 'course I do!
Rozafeen: I snort and I say, you look appropriate.
Vafrus: Alright. I heard her say fabulous.
Harmony: You look like yourself.
Vafrus: I heard two fabulous-es. This is awesome. I'm gonna put the bronze ring back. It's obviously worthless. Uh, yeah, I'll actually just tell the group what I've learned. Uh, "the bronze one's worthless, the gold and silver rings don't do anything, but they're gold and silver. I think this wooden one's magic, I don't know what it does. And this iron ring has a heat metal spell, once a day."
Rozafeen: I think that Urekas and I should each try to check out the bronze ring and the wood ring and see if we can figure anything out about them.
Harmony: Yeah, that's a good, call.
Don: I think I should also check it out.
Rozafeen: Bronze, I rolled a 3, and wood, I rolled a 6, so I'm about as helpful on Arcana as I thought I'd be.
Vafrus: I feel super clever that I've managed to distract everyone from the tiara. I'm not gonna lie about it, I'm just gonna not mention it and hope nobody realizes that it's treasure.
Don: Look, I told you you looked good.
Harmony: My Arcana is plus 1 and the die is 15, 16.
Tanam: Okay. And that's on the bronze, and then... do you want to roll again for the wood?
Harmony: Oh, yeah, 20, plus 1.
Tanam: Wow. Okay.
Vafrus: Are you gonna roll for the tiara?
Harmony: I could.
Don: Only if you take the tiara off. We don't want to make you feel less pretty.
Vafrus: It is physically impossible for me to ever be less pretty again.
Harmony: I could help with the tiara.
Tanam: I don't know that, uh, you would necessarily like- The thing that Calumn was trying to do was distract you from the tiara. And, so if you would like to contest that, you can, but you're not going to think of checking out the tiara.
Harmony: Yeah, that's fair.
Tanam: Unless you contest it.
Harmony: Nah, I don't contest.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Take that, everyone.
Tanam: So the bronze ring; you notice on the inside, there is, like around the inside of it there are feathers carved.
Vafrus: Ooo! We really can throw you off the tower now.
Tanam: And you know that it's magical, but you're not certain. There is a fairly common spell that you know of called Featherfall, so there's a chance that that's what that is.
Vafrus: That's the bronze one?
Tanam: That's the bronze one. On the wood one, the carvings that Ruffort ignored were carvings of berry bushes. You realize that it is a ring of Goodberry, so this allows you to cast the spell Goodberry once a day.
Harmony: Oh! Goodberry. Everybody, listen to me. He has some bushes on that ring. They're good berries. I know what this is. I'm, I kind of know what this is.
Don: oh wait, so, wait, does that, does that make good berries? Cause if you want I can make you some, the worst coffee you've ever had in your life.
Harmony: You already did that.
Don: But it'll keep you full for like a whole day.
Rozafeen: Yeah, it doesn't taste good, but it'll take you places.
Don: only the bathroom, really. 'Cuz it's coffee and something that keeps you full for a whole day. Nothing good coming from it, that's what I want to say.
Harmony: Bad berries.
Tanam: I mean, but you also get a hit point, so.
Rozafeen: I was gonna say, if you don't want it, I do. I'm all about good berries.
Don: I'm just saying, don't make coffee out of it. On their own, they're great.
Rozafeen: On their own, they're fine.
Tanam: They're They're good. They're specifically good.
Harmony: Yeah, they're not great.
Tanam: That's a much higher level spell. Awesome berries.
Vafrus: Eight out of 10 berries. Yeah, pretty decent berries.
Rozafeen: I'm sticking with they're fine berries.
Don: Oh, come on, we all know what you actually conjure, and it happens to be mushrooms.
Rozafeen: I beg your pardon.
Harmony: If someone has to tell you their product is good, I don't trust them and I don't believe them. If good isn't the title, uh uh.
Don: What if it just says, "eat these"?
Harmony: No! Okay, a command to eat and slash or the label of "this is good food," no, no.
Don: now you know a little bit about Bridge marketing.
Tanam: So, Vafrus, is Calumn parting with the bronze ring and the wood ring?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, I want group to not hate me, so all of the treasure is group treasure to be, like, divvied. I'm not, except for, of course, the tiara, which if nobody notices, will definitely be all mine. But yeah, if they're all magic, hey, maybe look at the gold and the silver ring too, maybe I missed something.
Tanam: Okay. So there's the gold ring, silver ring, bronze ring, wood ring, and iron ring. Who's taking what?
Rozafeen: Which ones did he not figure out?
Vafrus: Gold and silver have not been identified yet.
Rozafeen: Alright, let me see if I roll better. Oh! Oh, Oh. Uh. Okay, so I think that the gold ring is something that it's not.
Tanam: Did you roll one?
Rozafeen: I did, but for silver I rolled a 12 plus 1, 13.
Tanam: Okay. So the silver is, it seems like a ring. Okay, so what do we do with the, yeah, the gold ring, as soon as you hold it, you see that ruby sittin there in that gold ring, and you remember a description of a ring.
Vafrus: -that summons spiders.
Tanam: No, you remember a description of a ring, a magical ring that looked like this, you don't remember anything else about it, but you are certain that the description that you had, matches this ring.
Rozafeen: Okay, I hold it up and I say, "Definitely magical y'all."
Vafrus: Alright, that's four out of five that are magic. The silver one's probably magic too. We'll just take them all.
Don: I'll take a look at it. Might as well everybody else is looking at rings. Uhhhhhhh seven.
Vafrus: Heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Tanam: It's a ring.
Don: Yep. The silver one is a ring. It's- see? It's circle shaped.
Vafrus: heh heh
Rozafeen: You want to look at the sweet-ass magical one I have?
Don: The gold one? You said it's definitely magical?
Rozafeen: It's definitely magical, it's definitely famous, but I don't remember what kind.
Don: Ohhhh. Yeah, yeah I'll take a look. Uh, seventeen.
Tanam: It's not magical.
Don: Uh, I mean, circle is a really magical shape. Like the silver one. It's the same kind of magic, I think.
Harmony: Well, I want to roll too!
Vafrus: Yeah, you seem like you have an actually decent check.
Harmony: okay, 17?
Tanam: On which one?
Harmony: Well, well, okay, that's a good question.
Tanam: Okay, that'll be the gold one.
Harmony: okay.
Tanam: You are pretty certain it's not magical.
Harmony: Okay. Aaaaannnd seven.
Vafrus: 's that exactly the same roll as Georg?
Tanam: Iiiitttt'sss a ring.
Harmony: It's a ring.
Rozafeen: Well, I'm gonna wear the definitely obviously magical gold one.
Tanam: Despite, everyone else's claims to the contrary.
Rozafeen: They're just wrong! They want me to think it's not important.
Don: I mean, geometry is pretty magical.
Rozafeen: Stop saying things like that, you taunt me.
Don: I suppose circles can taunt people. I don't know, uh, if they have that kind of effect. I'll have to look into it. Georg takes the silver ring and starts really, like, investigating the circle part of it.
Tanam: Okay, so, let me just write down who got what. Georg got the silver one, Hellena has the gold one. Does Urekas have the Featherfall?
Rozafeen: I think Urekas definitely has Featherfall- or what she suspects is Featherfall. I offered to take the Goodberry Ring and she didn't actually answer me.
Harmony: Oh, you can take it.
Rozafeen: Sweet!
Harmony: Yay.
Vafrus: Guess that means I got a heat metal one.
Tanam: Also the eight golden dinner plates, I'm not sure if you-
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. We're just gonna sell those, though. Wait a minute. They might be magical. We gotta put them on!
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Do I know what that is?
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Oh! ow Oh no! ow ow Ow oh!
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: What magic user did I upset to have to hear that story?
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: With everybody laughing at the great joke I made. Go!
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Okay. I, I have plenty of good ideas here.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Don: Turns out, I had to, like, go over my room with an entire, like, a ladder, and I'd thwack them. Each one of them, I had to kill thousands of spiders, which I did not gain a SINGLE point of experience for. Thank you DM.