The Intern: Hi everyone, I'm the Intern, and this is Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
So, I think that my boss is listening to the show.
Hi, boss.
How do I know? Well, he left me a voicemail. I know, right? And it had some stuff in it that was like, you know what? I'll just play it for you.
The Boss on Voicemail: Hey, I got that document you're working on, and I need you to change the AND on line 57 to AND slash OR, and you've got a comma splice on line 129. I know that we've talked about how much I hate comma splices. Oh, and, uh, you forgot to capitalize the company's name on line 402. I don't understand how that happened. Fix it.
While we're on the topic. Well, we're not even on the topic, but speaking of things that I do not understand, my inbox is flooded with people worried about Petri People. I swear, you are always coming up with new and exciting ways to waste my time. I found my way to your little show, and first impression, that Sorcress character makes no sense. If a bunch of goons showed up at my house with some weirdo who's been stalking my daughter, it would be a much shorter conversation.
Where was I? See? See? I told you that podcast would be a distraction. Just have your updated report on my desk by tomorrow morning.
The Intern: Pretty good, right? It would be extra hilarious if I didn't have to actually receive all of his editing suggestions this way. So I guess I can look forward to my boss using the hashtag PetriPeople. Boss, if you are listening, I know it's probably too much to ask to see what you can do about Rosie, but maybe at least you can start sending me edits in the doc instead of via voicemail?
Tanam: Ah, okay. Very short summary I have down for last time is "fought like a round with the Sorceress," and then Urekas used Suggestion on her to quote, "run as far from us as possible for eight hours."
Vafrus: A thousand years.
Harmony: Yeah, one thousand years.
Tanam: Oh, it was a thousand years.
Harmony: For the next eight hours.
Tanam: Okay. For a thousand years.
Rozafeen: And I believe it was "get" or "go" because she missed it at first and that wasn't running.
Harmony: Oh no.
Tanam: Are we going to say it was "get"?
Rozafeen: It mostly doesn't matter. I'm just saying that, she didn't immediately run, right? So I don't remember the word. I just know that it was convenient that Urekas phrased it in a way where it didn't have to be running.
Tanam: It's possible that Urekas phrased it in a way that was running and I just missed it.
Harmony: I think it was "get."
Tanam: Does anyone, like anything else to be noted in the record?
Rozafeen: The lizards ran away.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Oh, the lizards ran away.
Don: Yeah, we let them run away. I...
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah. The-
Don: we didn't try genocide this time. I don't think that, uh, we need to say that too many more times, but we didn't do that.
Harmony: Correct. You're welcome.
Vafrus: Though we did think about it and talk about it for a while.
Don: Yeah, well, we had to talk her down.
Harmony: Excuse me. Don't make me regret saving your life, Georg.
Don: You saved my life?
Harmony: Yeah, saved your life.
Don: I don't remember this.
Harmony: That was the last session!
Vafrus: I do remember the part where he said he wouldn't remember it.
Don: See? I, I remember to keep my promises.
Harmony: Wow.
Tanam: I believe you are all standing around, after having let the lizards live.
Vafrus: Hey, Rozafeen, don't you have like a pet or a cat or something?
Rozafeen: Don't you step on my last nerve. You know that Justice is here and she's amazing. Aren't you, Justice? Yeah, good kitty.
Tanam: You presumably have approximately eight hours before the Sorceress does whatever she does next.
Vafrus: Heh heh heh heh heh. You said there was a big staircase, right?
Tanam: There is a big staircase.
Don: Has the rest of the tower just stopped attacking us at this point? Are we, you know- I know there were some angry, uh, well, at least there was debris that started falling and, and wasn't there like an elemental outside or something like that?
Tanam: So there was a rock outside, who talked to you.
Don: Rock, that's his name.
Tanam: Like a, or like a pile of rocks. yeah, but, or maybe a
Vafrus: made friends, we'd made friends with him though-
Don: Okay, yeah, he seemed cool. He seemed like a cool guy. Uh-
Harmony: we remember his name? Did we ever get that?
Don: Rock.
Tanam: I think that sounds about right.
Rozafeen: I think you gave him a name. Didn't you call it Rocky or something?
Don: That does sound like you.
Harmony: Yeah. That sounds right.
Tanam: Ah, let's see. This is a, a bit ago, but "guarding it was a pile of rocks with a single eye. Party gives the pile of rocks coffee, and it is a bit overwhelmed by it, having only usually typically drank water," but I did not note any naming.
Harmony: Classic Rocky.
Vafrus: I think, in general, you should just name people that you meet.
Harmony: Yeah, it would be an honor.
Don: Don't ask for names, just name them.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Harmony: Do you want me to name the lizards?
Don: That would be better than the thing that you've done to the lizards thus far.
Tanam: Yeah so then there were the rocks that fell from the ceiling, but I don't think this was like that the rocks themselves were aggressive. not, did not yell at- yell anything as they were falling. They seemed to fall in reaction to the Sorceress getting damaged.
Vafrus: I was pretty sure the tower was falling apart, you know, these... It's classic Dark Lord behavior. You build a tower that will last like 10 seconds longer than you do.
Don: I mean, but don't these Dark Lord types kind of plan to live for infinity years?
Vafrus: Somehow the tower always seems to know when to fall apart.
Don: You know, that's a good point. That's a good point. Maybe it's like one of those mystical things, like, you don't know, but the tower knows, because, uh, the thing that you build is more of a representation of you than, like, the world that you have in your head is, cause you're pretty much crazy if you're taking over the world, or, you know, this Sorceress.
Vafrus: Maybe we should look into it as like a new form of augury. Like, you want to know how long you're going to live. So first you build a tower. And then you have someone inspect the tower to see how structurally sound it is. And they're like, aww, you got maybe ten months, sorry. Like... LAUGHING
Don: You know, I do think that that would make a really great idea if you were in, like, a tower building business, maybe? If that was, like, your thing, like, you build towers for people, you're like, "Look, not only does this predict how long you live, but if you build it with me, baby, it's gonna be a thousand years."
Vafrus: My tower is just a solid block of granite. There's no inside.
Don: Suspiciously obelisk territory, here.
Vafrus: Oh, but I drew the word tower on it with chalk, so it's fine.
Tanam: You better carve "Tower" into it, cause the chalk washes away, then back to obelisk and it doesn't count anymore.
Don: He's got a point. got a point.
Tanam: So yeah, what would you like do?
Vafrus: Let's loot! You said there were some stairs nearby, right?
Rozafeen: Oh God.
Tanam: There are stairs, and they go up.
Vafrus: Are there any other obvious, ways out of this room besides the front door?
Tanam: There's the grate that the lizards went out, and being, like, rather large lizards, you could probably crawl your way in there if you wanted to.
Vafrus: The best stuff is always either at the top of the tower or the bottom. And I don't know how to go further down from here, so, to the stairs!
Harmony: To the stairs!
Rozafeen: I look at Tagak and I say, "where does the Sorceress's daughter stay?"
Tanam: She seems a little bit dazed, kind of shakes her head a bit and is like, "You know, I, I don't think she's ever told me."
Don: Wait, you're telling me you haven't, like, stood outside her window and thrown rocks at it?
Tanam: "um..."
Rozafeen: Or sang badly?
Don: In a weird gesture of love? 'Cuz that seems like a thing.
Vafrus: You'd have to throw really hard, there's a big moat, and the tower's pretty tall.
Don: A fair point.
Tanam: "No, I've never thrown rocks at her window, we kind of, uh, skipped that phase of our courtship."
Vafrus: Have I reached the stairs yet?
Rozafeen: I mean, I, I am upset about being in agreement here, but I think the stairs it is.
Harmony: Yeah, I like the stairs.
Don: I, being a giant suit of armor, try to, like, corral Tagak toward the stairs.
Tanam: She accepts your corralling.
Don: Excellent. You're like, hey, you're going to meet your girlfriend. It's the first time you've been in the Tower, probably the first time that you've met her mom on, you know. Even ground?
Tanam: "Well, we actually haven't met before."
Don: How did she'd not like you that much and you've never met?
Tanam: " Well, you know, Teep told her about me and she didn't react very well and, you know, you don't exactly go, go to meet at that point."
Don: Ah.
Tanam: She's walking towards the stairs with you.
Don: Good, good.
Harmony: Curious what the Sorceress bedroom looks like. Do you think she sleeps on a table?
Vafrus: We should, like, test out her pillows.
Harmony: Uh-hmm
Tanam: so is that what you are aiming for?
Vafrus: I'm looking for loot. I feel like we deserve treasure. She's gonna come after us either way.
Harmony: Oh, if she has a particularly comfortable pillow, I could bring it for, like, my next date.
Rozafeen: I wonder if there's a chocolate fountain in here.
Tanam: Feeling a bit deprived since you've left all your chocolate fountains back at the hotel?
Vafrus: I guess we should also look around for like, tomes of summoning spiders, or something, like...
Don: Do you often find tomes of summon...? I- I'm not that experienced of an adventurer...
Vafrus: No, but like, I vaguely recall a thousand years ago, we were on some kind of detective case, and, you know, we should... Look for clues I guess.
Don: Do you think she'd be that bad at hiding her evidence? I thought the tomes of summoning spiders were like, for you.
Vafrus: For sure, yeah, like, if we find them, I want them, but like-
Rozafeen: Yeah, I mean, it was a cool trick.
Don: that's fair.
Rozafeen: I wouldn't say no to a library or to a collection of potions.
Don: I wouldn't say no to a new suit of armor. But nobody has offered me one, so...
Vafrus: Because we haven't found the loot yet, let's get go-
Don: Right, right, loot!
Tanam: Tagak is coming up the stairs with you, but it's not, like, "I don't know about looting. I mean, I guess you told her to go away for a thousand years..."
Vafrus: Nobody tell Tagak.
Don: Yeah I sort of, like, start to say something and then I look at you, and I'm like, okay.
Harmony: I mean, everything will have deteriorated anyway in a thousand years, so she won't miss it.
Rozafeen: My first priority is to find the Sorceress's daughter. And then at that point, if she wants to award us anything in exchange for teaching her mother a lesson, at that point, it's not looting, it's accepting a gift.
Harmony: Yes.
Rozafeen: She lives here, it's her stuff too, Right?
Vafrus: mean, that's, yeah, that's a great way for you to think of it. In my mind, she's a loot too, like we got to go get her too, like-
Rozafeen: wow.
Don: People are not musical instruments. You leave them where they are, you do not try to play them.
Rozafeen: Definitely think that a little chameleon is gonna have to crawl up his leg and slap him.
Vafrus: Oh no! I'm-
Tanam: Okay. So does this happen now?
Rozafeen: Yeah, it happens roughly after the, "she's loot, too" comment.
Tanam: Okay. So in the middle of "people are not musical instruments", a lizard crawls out from a little crack and this is a tiny little lizard, not one of the big ones, but, you know, maybe it's a relative, and does in fact crawl all the way up your leg and you can feel it, like-
Vafrus: Ahh! Under attack!
Tanam: and it, it does crawl up your neck and swing down from your head and slap you across the face and then scurry back away, back into the hole.
Don: Quick, Harmony! Get it, question it!
Vafrus: "Who do you work for!?! "
Harmony: See why I have a grudge against lizards?
Vafrus: I'm like, "Okay guys, be on your guard, this tower isn't finished with us yet. I think I might have stepped on like a lizard trap or something."
Tanam: I like to imagine that Ruffort almost falls off the stairs.
Vafrus: feel like this would be deeply disturbing to me, like it had to run up my whole body. My disguise is not like a concentration thing, but I think it would be, like, disturbed anyway by this. Like, you'd see it flickering or something, and I'm just like, AHH!
Don: I'll sort of steady him back onto the stairs like, "we'll keep an eye out, buddy."
Tanam: Okay, I can't remember how far up we said the stairs went. From the floor, you could see all the way up into the thing. But I think this is kind of the same situation that's in the Gambling Hall. There is visibility all the way up to the top, but there's also rooms attached to the side of the tower that the stairway is making its way up to. You walk for a minute or so and you come to a landing. It's not particularly decorated. There's a plain wooden door leading into a room , and you can see after the landing, the stairway continues, up into the rest of the tower.
Harmony: Is it just one door or are there multiple doors?
Tanam: Just one door.
Harmony: Okay, do we feel like this door is fancy enough for us? I kind of want to go through the best door.
Vafrus: Tagak, why don't you go knock on the door? This might be your... your lover's door. I mean, they all might be, but you know, probably you should be the one to knock when we find it eventually.
Don: Are- wait are you using her to search for traps?
Vafrus: Shhhh! Quiet.
Don: That's not what you're doing, right? Let me just search for traps, hold on. Stand back. That is really- that is, that is dark, Ruffort.
Vafrus: I mean, I actually hadn't thought of that, but it's a great idea. I'm, I'm sorry that you, you ruined it.
Don: Ruined?! Yea okay, Yeah, no that's what I'm doing.
Don: I'm gonna go ahead and, and, search for traps, which I feel like I would sort of, kind of know what they would look like as someone who builds weird devices.
Tanam: mhm, okay, this is an investigation check.
Don: Twenty two.
Tanam: That's pretty good,
Don: I'm real good at investigating stuff.
Tanam: Yeah! You notice that there is something odd about the handle and latch on the door. It's just a door and just a latch, but, something seems off about it.
Don: Is it, like, magic weird or mechanical weird?
Tanam: It looks like it doesn't work so great? You look at it and you're like, that's just kind of bad, but it seems to be holding the door shut.
Don: Somethin's weird about that latch.
Rozafeen: Ooo! Does it need to be mended?
Vafrus: You want me to open it from a distance?
Don: I do feel like opening it would be best from a distance and not close up, yeah.
Vafrus: Alright, everyone back up.
Don: Yeah, that's, that's a good plan. I can't point to anything really specific, it's just very shoddy.
Vafrus: Alright.
Don: Not even, like, shoddily built, it just feels shoddy. I don't know why. I feel like it's trying tell me that it's shoddy, but it doesn't quite know how to do it.
Rozafeen: " I'm poorly made."
Don: Thanks.
Vafrus: From 30 feet away, I will cast Mage Hand, and first knock on the door, because I still feel like, you know, this might be somebody's bedroom.
Don: fair.
Rozafeen: That is shockingly polite, is what that is.
Tanam: Are you guys all, like, cowering behind Georg?
Rozafeen: "Cowering" is a strong word.
Don: I'm also 30 feet away! I'm getting 30 feet away, holding up my shield, holding it on the ground, and kind of motioning people to stack back.
Rozafeen: I am standing nonchalantly behind the guy with the big armor.
Harmony: I am standing proudly behind him and my friends are behind me, but I look very protective.
Don: I look really nervous. Just in case anyone was wondering if the guy with the big shield doesn't feel super confident, he doesn't.
Rozafeen: I wasn't wondering, until now.
Tanam: Okay. tell me about, your knocking pattern.
Vafrus: Three sharp knocks. Pop, pop, pop.
Tanam: Okay. Pop, pop, pop. The Mage Hand knocks three times in quick succession on the door and the knocks echo through the tower.
Vafrus: I'll give it ten seconds, if there's no response, then I'll try the latch.
Tanam: There is no response, the hand reaches down, pushes on the latch, and it sticks a bit but the door is unlatched. Do you push it open?
Vafrus: Yep!
Tanam: Okay. it kind of sticks a bit, but it swings open.
Don: So, you're really saying that this needed just some oil?
Tanam: How are y'all's, uh, dark vision?
Vafrus: I have none.
Harmony: I have darkvision with a range of 60 feet.
Don: Mine's more, uh, light vision.
Vafrus: Uh, the light spell that we cast lasts an hour, though, and I don't know how long it's been since we did it, but we can renew it if we want.
Don: And then I kinda keep asking for it, because I like that my armor's really shiny.
Tanam: Didn't you do that like way out in the desert?
Vafrus: Yeah, but then we did it again, like, when we needed to, and-
Rozafeen: I have dark vision, so I don't care.
Tanam: Okay. It is dark in the room. From 30 feet away, the glow of the armor is, you know, fine.
Tanam: When you open the door, the room is warm, like there's a warm air that blows out of the room. Those of you who can see in there, see that it is full of rocks. Like if you had to classify it, it would be like, "hunk of rock storage room."
Vafrus: It's probably where Rocky... Well, probably has something to do with Rocky. Maybe, maybe she makes him out of these rocks or he collects them or something.
Harmony: Like, this is Rocky's family.
Vafrus: There's, there's a rock creature outside and a room full of rocks, I think they're related. I'll walk into the room.
Tanam: Okay, you're noticing that it is definitely getting warmer as you approach it.
Vafrus: Okay, if I feel I'm going to start taking damage, I'm going to stop. Otherwise, I'm going to push forward. If it's like burning me, then I'm done.
Tanam: It's not burning. I'd like everyone to roll an Arcana check.
Don: Eight.
Rozafeen: 15.
Don: At least somebody is doin' good.
Harmony: 17.
Vafrus: Nice.
Don: At least somebody's doing really good.
Harmony: You're welcome. Oh wait, plus 3, 20.
Tanam: Oh, wow. something clicks, Urekas, this half-remembered thing that you heard about once, which is just the phrase "hot rocks."
Harmony: Hot rocks?
Vafrus: This I'm, I'm very excited now.
Tanam: And you remember that it's associated with the Tower Empire, and, you don't remember a huge amount about it, but you do remember that it's associated in your mind with danger.
Vafrus: Uh-huh. Me, Vafrus, is like, ooh, guys, we gotta be careful. Me, Ruffort, is like, let's grab these, put them in my pocket, this is awesome.
Harmony: I just scream, "Hot rocks! Hot rocks! Be careful! Don't touch them!"
Vafrus: I'm like, yeah, they are kinda- oh, okay.
Don: Do the rest of us, um, get the reference?
Tanam: Nooo, not with those Arcana checks. Sorry.
Don: mean, when, when she yells "Hot rocks!"
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, it... I listen to Urekas. She says... "be careful," I'm, I'm being careful, but I'm still progressing, like, I'm, I'm walking into the room now just, like, slower, until I get more specific instructions.
Harmony: No, don't be hypnotized by them!
Don: I could easily see these being, like, the lyrics to a song.
Tanam: Going to say as well that, Hellena is, with the phrase of the hot rocks, you have that same memory of like, they're a not good thing from the Tower Empire.
Rozafeen: I say, "Hey, pretty boy, we don't actually need rocks."
Harmony: Yeah, don't be a hero.
Rozafeen: We need you more than we need rocks.
Harmony: Uh huh. You are our rock.
Rozafeen: I wouldn't go that far.
Tanam: Does Ruffort respond to that at all? Okay. I'm going
Vafrus: Oh, sorry, I, I have, yes, yes, I've been trying to respond, uh, crystal trouble there.
Harmony: Were you just in disguise again?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, so I, uh, I definitely, like, slow down when Urekas is saying "be careful," because I listen to Urekas, and so, yeah, I start carefully going to loot the rocks, and then, and then I get, and then you're all like, "no, no, don't be a hero," and, and, you know, my ability to notice that this is a dangerous situation is not there, but I do notice that y'all are nervous, and so I stop, I'm like, okay, but...
Harmony: aww, you're a good man.
Rozafeen: Well...
Vafrus: I could use my Mage Hand to like, collect some, are, are, are hot rocks valuable?
Harmony: They are valuable. I would wait and see what the rest of this place has to offer. Because we can always come back for the rocks.
Rozafeen: True. We're probably going to take the stairs back down.
Don: Can someone explain to me what the hell is happening?
Rozafeen: No.
Don: about hot rocks? What does it even mean?
Vafrus: I don't know, they seem very worried about these rocks. I think they just are rocks that are hot. Maybe they like burn you if you touch them. Yeah, I guess we can leave them. That's fine.
Don: I mean, I guess that would explain hot rocks. "Don't touch the rocks that are hot, they will burn you."
Vafrus: They're probably useful though, like for, I bet you could like, put them under your mattress and then it would warm up your bed at night. That's probably what they're for.
Harmony: That does sound nice.
Vafrus: Okay, yeah, this room is boring,
Harmony: Well if we get stuck in here, then can move the Sorceress's bed in here, and then we'll have like a really warm rest.
Vafrus: Good plan. Shall I roll, DM, to see how close to the hot rocks I got before I got talked down?
Tanam: Uh, no, it's, it's a longterm thing, right? Like-
Don: Are you saying that what was in that room were catalytic mutagens? in solid form.
Tanam: Wait, what? Oh, uff. They're hot rocks, Don.
Don: Okay. I mean, you can heat up rock and then it's hot, but that doesn't make it a catalytic mutagen. They emit catalytic mutagenic field. I that you should know about the- so they are warm. I, I know this. I wouldn't exactly say hot necessarily,
Harmony: Why don't you touch one and see?
Vafrus: I mean, I that's a point. They rarely, they rarely get that hot unless you put 'em in a big pile like they were in that room.
Don: But you're saying that that was a room that we entered full of those. Yeah, that was a lot of them, wasn't it? Are are we all gonna die?
Vafrus: Hmm That's what I was asking about is I'm, I'm pretty sure we're all contaminated now, right? Like...
Tanam: I dunno. I like, like, I you're, you're far enough away. Like it's, it, it, it, and you're not there for super long, right? Like, but back to this. What, what are you calling them?
Don: Catalytic. Mutagens. Operating in solid form, of course. Uh-
Tanam: Well, I mean, yeah, they're-
Don: and gaseous mutagenic fields, uh, as well, uh-
Vafrus: I gotta say Don. I've never heard anybody call em that before. I'm pretty sure they're-
Don: probably haven't ever heard a scientist talk about science before.
Vafrus: I mean, uh, I mean, Tanam and I have like gone to the Tower Empire and like seen them. They're, everybody calls 'em hot rocks. Uh, catalytic mutagens?
Don: Interesting. I will see in, in my particular field, we call them catalytic mutagens because they can cause, uh, odd mutations in the, uh, life forms or, or even sometimes inanimate objects that they come into contact with. Uh, so for example, uh, we could come out of that room with tails. mean, perhaps we wouldn't come out with tails, but maybe the tails would come later. I'm not really- it depends on what type, the concentration, all, all sorts of factors, what could happen to us. But none of it's good.
Tanam: I mean-
Harmony: Having a tail would be kind of fun.
Don: Uh, okay. Fair point. That could be good. My point is, is that we could come out with a tail or like a third arm or, or, you know, uh, or like another eye, but in our ass. I don't know. could, anything could happen. Okay.
Vafrus: So, Tanam, be warned: if, if we can't find good enough treasure in this tower, we're gonna come load up on some hot rocks, sorry, some-
Don: Wait.
Vafrus: mutagenic catalysts or whatever. And, and we're gonna, and we're gonna take 'em back to town and sell 'em to everybody we can. Like, this is gonna be a whole thing.
Tanam: Crushing bean.
Don: We're going to contaminate entire population.
Vafrus: You know, this is just our, this our new thing; we hand out hot rocks.
Don: You know, I have heard that those can mutate people, uh, to the point that they die, uh, in high enough doses.
Tanam: Well, yeah. Yeah. I mean like that's the normal result.
Vafrus: But one of us might get lucky!
Don: Wow. Normal result that people just eat 'em? I mean-
Tanam: No, it's a whole- it's a whole thing.
Don: Why, why would you intentionally-? Look, look, we use them for experiments. Uh, I mean, we encase them in extremely dense metals, uh, to make sure that, you know, we don't die.
Harmony: Wait, so did you curse the rocks? Is that what I'm hearing?
Don: What? No, they're not cursed rocks. Oh my. Uh,
Tanam: yes. All of the hot rocks in the world are, in fact, Don, specifically's, fault.
Harmony: One sec, we were fine, until Don started talking. Now we're all gonna die or get a tail. Or have an eye in our ass.
Don: Yeah, those were just, um, examples. I, uh; maybe, maybe I misspoke?
Tanam: Oh, no, no, the, the ass-eyes, funnily enough. It is actually recorded. That did happen once.
Don: Oh no, there's cult, isn't there?
Tanam: Of course it became a cult.
Don: I hate cults. Well, now that my day's ruined...
Vafrus: All right. yeah, all right, up the stairs further is, oh, is there, I'm going to peer in though. Is there any, anything else in the hot rocks room that catches my attention?
Tanam: You don't have dark vision, right? So-
Vafrus: I'll, I'll light up a copper and throw it in.
Tanam: No, it's just, it is a room full of rocks.
Don: Catalytic. Mutagens.
Vafrus: Okay. I'll Mage Hand my copper back.
Tanam: It doesn't quite look right.
Vafrus: Like it melted?
Tanam: No. It just doesn't look right.
Vafrus: I feel like I should roll something to decide if I care about that. Would you feel like this is a, a more of a Wisdom situation or more of an Intelligence situation?
Tanam: I think this is a Wisdom situation.
Vafrus: That is a one.
Tanam: teeth!
Vafrus: R- rolled a three, minus two.
Tanam: Okay, so not a nat one at least. Okay, yeah, it's fine.
Vafrus: Alright, yeah, put it back in my pocket, off we go.
Tanam: Okay, so you head up the stairs? Tagak is really not sure what to do with all you at this point, but is kind of along for the ride.
Vafrus: We're gonna reunite you with your lover, isn't that what you wanted?
Harmony: Yeah, this is really romantic.
Vafrus: Plus, free hot rocks! As many as you can carry.
Tanam: Tagak is like, "Yeah, I, I, I don't really know if that I, uh, that I want any of the hot rocks, but, um, okay, thanks. I guess let's, let's keep going." She's following along. Okay. Some more stairs, same deal. You come up to another landing and you've got up decently far at this point and, you can see on this landing there's a cut out window, like nothing covering it. It's a window in the sense that it is a hole on the outside of the building. Next to that there is a bench that looks like two or three people could sit on it, and then more stairs.
Vafrus: So window, bench, no doors on this level?
Tanam: No doors on this level.
Harmony: Okay, does anybody need to retie their shoes?
Don: I check my shoes, just in case.
Tanam: The, uh, window that's about as long as the bench, from what you can tell from being that it's night and all, it looks out across the desert.
Vafrus: It's probably a pretty good view when it's not dark.
Rozafeen: It's a gorgeous view.
Harmony: Yeah, you're missing out.
Vafrus: You can only see 60 feet anyw- Alright, I don't say that, I don't know that. I, I'm deeply disappointed. I'm like, "awwwww!" Alright, well, I'm bored with this level. Anyone else want to do anything?
Don: Yeah, no, definitely.
Rozafeen: I'm still looking at this gorgeous view.
Harmony: Isn't it nice?
Don: Freakin great, you guys. So nice.
Harmony: I'm, like, seeing colors that I didn't know were even available.
Rozafeen: Things are awakening inside of me.
Harmony: Mhm.
Vafrus: I got a 16 on my Insight check to see if you guys are full of shit.
Rozafeen: That is unusually high for you.
Tanam: Yeah, you think that they might be, uh, might be hamming it up a bit.
Vafrus: Alright, makes me feel a little better. All right, continue up!
Tanam: Okay! You're gone up quite a few stairs at this point and, at this level, there are five doors.
Vafrus: Oh! That's five times as many as before!
Tanam: At this level, the landing stretches, and all the way around you can see it curving around the edge, and the doors are spaced out. They go like halfway around the arc of the tower. And on the other end of the arc- so opposite to you- the stairs continue on up.
Don: Can I, uh, check 'em out for traps?
Tanam: Sure.
Don: Or poor craftsmanship, I guess.
Vafrus: Needing lube.
Don: I feel like that's a different kind of check. 15.
Tanam: Yeah, with the 15, none of them have that same, like, "something wrong" look with them that the hot rocks door did.
Don: Gotcha. Alright.
Vafrus: Same protocol anyways?
Don: That's not a bad idea. And I go back 30 feet and hold my shield up to prevent any unfortunate loss of limbs.
Tanam: Okay, I'm assuming you're going one door at a time?
Vafrus: Yep. Open the first door.
Tanam: Okay. And are you knocking this time?
Vafrus: Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll be polite. Knock, knock, knock.
Tanam: Okay. Not from that door, but, seemingly from one of the later doors- you can't, like, pinpoint it exactly- you hear a voice, say, "What? Who? What's going on?" And Tagak brightens up and is like, "It's her!" and yells, "Teep! Teep! It's me! It's me!" And the third door swings inward and out runs Teep and stops a bit when she sees you all-
Vafrus: This huge crowd of people.
Tanam: This huge crowd of people.
Don: That are, like, actually... Did everybody get behind me this time, the way we did last time?
Harmony: Oh definitely.
Don: Because if it's that, then just, it's a big line of people behind a big guy with a big suit of armor with a shield.
Tanam: Yeah. Tagak runs past, and they embrace and Teep seems confused, but excited to see her.
Vafrus: I feel like Tagak only just realized that Teep might be here.
Don: Good with a rolling pin or whatever we found her with, though.
Vafrus: Those tongs.
Don: up those spiders. Tongs! That was it.
Tanam: So they're hugging and you can hear that they are whispering to each other, but you can't make it out.
Vafrus: Seems fine. I'm going to open the door.
Tanam: With Mage Hand?
Vafrus: Uh-Huh. They seem like they got their thing going. That's good.
Tanam: The door opens up and, it is much more, like, lushly decorated than the rest of the tower, so far. Carpets on the floor and it looks, super chill and comfortable.
Vafrus: Cool. Everyone's already gathered up. Door number two!
Don: Hold hold on, wait, you already opened one door, why don't we just ask the person who lives here?
Vafrus: Y'all can go-
Rozafeen: I don't know, I'm actually on board with the Mage Hand plan, let's just get all these doors open and make sure there's no lizards-
Don: aren't they, like, out in front of us, though?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. They're in the blast range, but you know, I'm sure- actually, yeah, yeah, we should probably tell them. "We're opening more doors!"
Don: If they're not okay to open, just jump behind my shield, or, you know, say something important. Like, "don't do that!" or "wrong door!"
Harmony: Their moment, though, I'm really appreciating this beautiful moment. Like, this is art.
Don: Yeah, it'd be a shame if somebody blew it up.
Harmony: It would! You should be offering them coffee.
Don: Oh, I'm so sorry. Here, let me just get out my coffee maker in the middle while I'm holding my shield.
Harmony: My friends will hold your shield while you make them coffee. This is really special! They will remember this day forever.
Don: Give it, like, another, I don't know, how long does it take you to open-?
Vafrus: Alright, I'm going to start opening the doors, there's no knocking anymore, just open, open, open, open.
Harmony: Oh no! This is really scary to me. Can I- I don't know, use like, Distort Value or a Silent Image to make it look the door handles have spikes on them? Feels insane.
Vafrus: I found one of the trapped ones!
Don: I think you might just be encouraging him.
Rozafeen: "I wanna know what's behind the doors!"
Don: Now he thinks it's helpful, too.
Harmony: just chasing the adrenaline.
Vafrus: This- "this really worthless door handle's gotta have somethin good behind it." Or better yet: "I must have this door handle."
Harmony: door handle full of spikes.
Tanam: okay. So are you actually doing this? Are the doors all getting opened?
Vafrus: Yeah! Yeah yeah.
Tanam: From where you are, it's hard to see, but, the second door looks like a storeroom. The third door is already open.
Vafrus: yep, yep, don't need to do that one.
Tanam: So as the second door opens, Teep starts a bit. You can see her kind of, you know, kind of jump a little bit and Tagak turns around and is like, "Guys, come on, come on, please. This is, this is Teep, everyone. Teep, this is everyone, uh..."
Vafrus: I'll give Teep a little bit of a flourish and a bow and my best smile and I'll use the bow to disguise the fact that I'm opening the fourth door with my-
Don: I just sorta stick my other hand up out from behind my shield and wave.
Rozafeen: I say, "Hi Teep, we're really excited to meet you. We're also here because we're investigating some things on behalf of the city, so I recommend you get behind this nice gentleman's shield and at the end of all of it, there'll be coffee."
Tanam: "Why are you hiding behind that shield?"
Don: Well see, sometimes when you open doors, they explode. It's a weird thing, I know, but it's happened to us- well, not at all, but it could happen to us. And we'd like be prepared.
Tanam: "Why are you opening the bathroom door?"
Don: See, this would have been really good information.
Harmony: Is it a crime to need to use the bathroom?
Tanam: "I mean, if you need to use the bathroom, you can just come over and use the bathroom like, like normal people."
Vafrus: Door number five!
Tanam: Do you say that or do you just-
Vafrus: -just do it. I'm like, yes, yes, this is all very weird. I'm going to see inside these rooms.
Don: While that's happening, I, I ask Teep, I'm like, "Hey, Teep, uh, you know... Are any of these doors DANGEROUS to open, would you say?"
Tanam: In a hilarious moment, you are asking that as Ruffort is opening the fifth door-
Don: Oh no.
Tanam: And Teep is in the process of saying, "They should all be fine except mom's bedroom door, but, you know, why would you open that?"
Vafrus: Listen, the pattern was clear. If Teep couldn't figure out what was going to happen next, that's on Teep.
Rozafeen: You are making so much sense.
Tanam: And as the door opens, jets of flame just pour out into the corridor. If anybody had been standing, opening that door themselves, they would have been completely toasted.
Don: How's, uh, Teep doing?
Vafrus: - was all confused about why we had the shield.
Tanam: Teep looks over, and then looks back at you, and is like, "I just said don't open mommy's door."
Don: Oh, because we know exactly which door goes to which place! Yeah we totally know this place. Like, we were freaking born here.
Vafrus: Okay,
Tanam: "I don't understand why you need to be so aggressive about it" and Tagak is like, "guys, come on!"
Vafrus: All right. Having gotten the doors open, which in my mind was like a major hurdle that needed to be breached, I will now go and like, properly talk to Teep. I'll introduce myself and the group and be like, "Hey, so sorry this is a lot, but we brought you Tagak. Hopefully that helps you feel a little better about things. Your mom's gone on a little trip and may have committed crimes against the local city, and so we're here to investigate about that. You can help us if you like, it might help things go faster. What do you think?"
Tanam: "Sorry, this is, this is a bit much. Where did my mom go?"
Vafrus: She's wandering the desert.
Tanam: "Is that a euphemism?"
Don: No, she's just pretty much running. Away from us. Because we convinced her we were pretty bad people because she was probably gonna do some bad stuff to us if we didn't do that.
Tanam: "Okay, why would she do bad stuff to you? Like, did you threaten her?"
Don: Nah. I wouldn't say that we did that, no.
Harmony: We had a conversation.
Rozafeen: I think she was not happy to see Tagak. No offense, Tagak.
Tanam: "Tagak, I've, uh, like I've told you, she doesn't like you very much. I'm really excited to see you. It's always too long in between, but, you and mom are not going to get along very well. And it sounds like it went a really bad way, if she's wandering the desert now; that's a little weird. And, crime things. What, exactly, do you think she did?"
Don: We're investigating, uh, the attack of some spiders on the city.
Vafrus: Also, we think she tried to kill Tagak a couple of times. That was like an apple incident and some birds. Right, Tagak?
Harmony: yeah,
Tanam: "Um-"
Harmony: I'll just point out that she's running away for 1, 000 years for a reason, and you should be suspicious. Of her.
Don: I glance really pointedly at Urekas, and I kind of give her like a shake the head, and then like a little like, you know, wave the head. indicate something.
Harmony: I'm immune to whatever you're indicating.
Don: Great.
Vafrus: Right there on the character sheet. Immune to Georg.
Don: I just, in my head, I'm gonna say that she failed her Wisdom saving throw. I don't know.
Tanam: Teep is just like, "Mom's protective, and weird about not wanting me to be involved with an artisan. I don't think she's attacking a city with spiders? Why would she do that? That doesn't make any sense."
Tagak is looking super embarrassed. "You told me that, uh, she didn't like me and that she was pretty powerful and kind of impulsive and yeah, a bunch of weird stuff has been happening to me. There's these birds that are always outside my house staring at me and, um-"
and Teep laughs a bit, and is like, "Oh, yeah, okay, so that's her, that's definitely her. It's kind of immature. She likes to do this though. She has a bunch of birds that she keeps in the tower, she sends them to go stare at people who she's angry at, just as a way to creep them out. Let her displeasure be known. So yeah, that's totally her. But spider? What, did the spiders do?"
Don: Well, they sort of attacked the Great Gambling Hall.
Vafrus: Tried to kill a bunch of people, was big, big gruesome mess.
Tanam: Tagak says, "yeah, yeah, they came after me too! And they crawled over the wall and I had to beat one to death with a pair of tongs!"
Teep is shocked and horrified and she grabs on to Tagak, "Oh, you're so brave, I can't imagine something like that! I didn't know you were so good with those tongs!" .
Vafrus: Which was really impressive. It was, it was- everyone thought so.
Tanam: Yeah, kind of not listening to you. Not you specifically, but they're lost in each other's arms.
Vafrus: Oh, excellent. I'm gonna go use that moment to go peer into mom's room then.
Harmony: I'll join you!
Tanam: The door is shut.
Vafrus: Oh, but I thought I opened it and fire came out.
Tanam: Those things happened.
Vafrus: Oh, okay. We'll deal with the door in a minute.
Rozafeen: I'd like to walk into one of the other, open rooms.
Tanam: So there are four open doors. There is the seating room, what looks like a storeroom, Teep's room, and a bathroom. And then there's the still closed door or, closed again door.
Rozafeen: Does the storeroom look like it's just storing, you know, bread and whatever? Or does, are there interesting things in there?
Tanam: There's some boxes and things and there's like some vegetables. There aren't signs on any of the boxes that say, "jewels" or anything like that.
Rozafeen: Well, mostly I'm looking for books. I think that if Tagak and Sorceress's daughter are doing their thing, I'm just going to semi quietly go up the stairs and see if anybody follows me.
Vafrus: Yeah, I don't want to split the party. I'll follow, but clearly the best stuff is in mom's bedroom.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I mean, no question.
Harmony: Agreed.
Vafrus: As long as we all understand that. Yeah, I'll follow you.
Tanam: Okay, I'm going to roll... okay, Teep totally does not notice. Tagak sees that you're all walking all the way up the stairs, and gives you a look, but then just goes back to hugging Teep.
Vafrus: You got your prize.
Tanam: Okay. you come to a... landing and there's an overhead trap door, up on the ceiling.
Vafrus: Mage Hand from a distance!
Tanam: Okay, you push the door open and it makes kind of like a "whoomp." It gets a little bit chillier. Clearly a trap door to the outside.
Vafrus: Anyone want to go first? If nobody moves to go first, then I will.
Don: I'll move first.
Harmony: Quick out of character thing, um, I need to handle something, do you mind if I come back in a minute?
Don: We're, like, right here on the edge of a cliffhanger.
Tanam: Please do.
Harmony: Will. Thanks.
Vafrus: So I push Urekas down the stairs.
Rozafeen: Handle that.
Don: yeah, as one does.
Vafrus: Try to hit her with Eldritch Blasts as she goes down. It's like a game. Keeping in mind that her concentration is like critically important right now.
Tanam: How well have you been keeping track of that?
Rozafeen: Nothing has disturbed Urekas's peace.
Vafrus: 'Try to keep concentration!" I yell as I throw the third Eldritch Blast.
Rozafeen: I was going to say, so seriously, what's on top of the tower, but maybe we wait? Alternatively, "you've reached the top of the tower" is a relatively benign pause point.
Vafrus: Yeah, it is about that time.
Tanam: guess, uh. We should at least let-
Vafrus: Just abandoned.
Tanam: Come back and there's just no one here.
Vafrus: All right, so when we start next session, we all have to be completely straight faced about how we pushed Urekas down the tower.
Rozafeen: What is this, "we?"
Vafrus: All of us together had the same idea.
Tanam: You just carried it out. We were all thinking it.
Don: That does sound like you.
Harmony: Okay, back.
Vafrus: So you're gonna need to make some Con saves.
Harmony: I I- What did you do? I was gone for like two minutes.
Vafrus: did nothing. We just sat and waited.
Don: So the Con saves are for the sitting that we've been doing? I've heard sitting can be really dangerous.
Harmony: Yeah, you gotta watch your posture, to make sure your eyes are level with whatever you're looking at.
Don: Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Tanam: So it was pointed out that this might be a okay pause point.
Tanam: Or you could go up through the trapdoor.
Vafrus: There's one more place in the tower. Let's, let's just see what's in the trap door. Go on, Georg! Go up the trap door!
Don: Yeah well, go ahead and go up the trapdoor. I don't see why we wouldn't do this. If this ends with roll initiative, I'm pretty okay. I'm going up the stairs.
Tanam: Okay. Well, it's-
Don: the trapdoor
Tanam: yeah, it's more of a ladder situation.
Don: Ah, up the ladder.
Tanam: yep. Okay, so you climb up the ladder and pop your head out. It's just a big- like the whole tower width, big circle of stone. And then there's like a waist height- for the Sorceress- edge around, but otherwise it's, uh, it's pretty bare.
Don: Oh, so wait, it's just the top of the tower?
Tanam: It is the top of the tower.
Vafrus: And it's that view again!
Harmony: The view is so good.
Don: I bet it's fantastic.
Harmony: Like, you can't even imagine how pretty it is.
Don: I bet I can't.
Tanam: Would you like to go up and try to see what you can see?
Rozafeen: You know, I probably should, since I've got that whole "see really far" thing.
Don: Yeah, cause I've got that whole can't see in the dark thing.
Harmony: Yeah, I'll actually try instead of just lying.
Rozafeen: So I rolled a 24 on Perception, and I can see fine detail even far away.
Tanam: Okay, So, you look out from the tower, and you can see the island that the tower is on, and the little land bridge that reaches to it. You can see the pile of rocks with an eye on it that you met earlier. It is looking up at you. And then you can see the water and there looks like there's shapes swimming in the water. You can see as you look up and out, the whole lush, rocky way when you made your way to the tower. You have a good line of sight to pretty much everything in the oasis from here. You see the occasional lizard scurrying around. Out into the distance, you see a lot of desert that you passed through, and you can just barely make out the huge lights that shine up from the Gambling Hall; you can see them a bit where they reflect off clouds, off in the distance.
Vafrus: The end. Good campaign everyone!
Rozafeen: Yeah, I was waiting for you to be like, "you can see the dust cloud from the army that's coming."
Don: I feel like we did a really good job solving the mystery of who got the spiders to get to the tower.
Rozafeen: Alright, so we still gotta get into that Sorceress's bedroom.
Harmony: Oh yeah.
Don: That's weird.
Harmony: You're weird.
Don: Yep.
Tanam: Noted. Okay, so we'll leave the Sorceress's bedroom for next time.
Rozafeen: Shall we go with "boudoir"? Does that make it better?
Tanam: Nope, worse.
Don: definitely worse.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Do you think she sleeps on a table?
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: I wouldn't want my dramatic sighs to end up as background noise.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I like the clap thing. The clap thing is great.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: I taught the anti noise algorithm to recognize my voice as noise.
The Intern: Check out readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Oh, you want to clap again? Okay.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
The Boss on Voicemail: I told you that podcast would be a distraction.
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
The Boss on Voicemail: I know that we've talked about how much I hate comma splices. What the fu-