The Intern: Hi everyone. It's me, the Intern. Just here to remind you that we're publishing every other week now: once a fortnight. You know the deal. So please enjoy this episode and then enjoy the next one in two weeks. See you then.
The Intern: A desert, an oasis, a tower that no one believed in. Two lovers, kept apart by the Sorceress who lives there. On a lonely night in 2667, one of the smitten entered that tower, along with four adventurers and Justice the Cheetah. Did they know what horrors awaited them when they crossed that threshold? I'm the Intern, and this is Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Rozafeen: I had hiccups. It was awkward.
Harmony: Oh no,
Don: think I might have been rubbing my hands together aggressively.
Rozafeen: Well, that's not sus.
Don: It's not, it is totally normal. I was putting on lotion, if you must know.
Rozafeen: "I have to put lotion on right now." it's good to lubricate before we get started.
Harmony: Oh, you think it's gonna help you with the dice? Like getting better rolls?
Don: Hey, I gotta get my lucky hands all nice and smooth before I toss the dice. You know?
Tanam: Okay. So. Been a bit.
Vafrus: Almost forgot how to use my glaze. Just kidding. I use it every day.
Don: I mean, I think, uh, Tanam's got like two of them, right?
Tanam: This is true.
Vafrus: It is just two though. It's not, there's not like a third one.
Tanam: No, I have not. No, there's not. That's not a third one.
Don: It's 3000 years old.
Tanam: you stop that. And here I was missing you all.
Don: Oh, we miss you too.
Harmony: Yeah, we miss you.
Tanam: Uh, so, do we wanna play? Does anyone remember what was going on? I think I have some notes about last time. Ah, okay. Yes. So, my notes from last time are, "failed to not escalate visit with Sorceress; rolled initiative."
Don: I like "failed to not escalate" as-
Vafrus: Succeeded at getting a surprise round, you mean.
Don: As in, we're the ones that are really surprised.
Harmony: Yeah, I mean, she started it.
Rozafeen: Did she?
Vafrus: she super started it.
Harmony: I mean, she had attitude. I was just defending us.
Don: Yeah, no, I'm with Rozafeen here. This was not her fault at all. She was pretty cordial, really.
Harmony: She was sassy.
Don: Cordially sassy?
Vafrus: I didn't mind the cordial sassiness. I minded when she started casting spells on my party members. Also, like, there was the whole... daughter in the other room, probably tied up-
Tanam: The question is, is how much do, each of you actually know about that?
Rozafeen: I think nothing, except for Urekas who was enchanted to go home, right?
Harmony: Yeah, I was enchanted at go home.
Vafrus: I think I verbally demanded that the daughter be brought out to speak for herself, didn't I?
Harmony: Yeah, you did, you-
Rozafeen: That part, yes, but you don't know that she's in another room upset. For all we know, she can't stand Tagak.
Vafrus: yeah, yeah, for all- I, I'm thinking she's probably dead, is what I'm thinking
Harmony: Oh no.
Don: my theory is that she doesn't actually exist at all, she's just like, uh, made up entirely.
Rozafeen: Like some sort of shared delusion between Tagak and the Sorceress.
Don: Maybe just Tagak, there's an illusion-
Vafrus: See, the thing is, Tagak has been right about a bunch of things, though, like, I was going to doubt Tagak until there was a tower in the desert, like, and now there's this whole, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't need to bring out the daughter, just listen to me, like, I'm pretty sure Tagak's right about everything.
Don: I don't know about everything, but, Tagak's probably right. I just, I just like the Sorceress is actually using a simulacrum to control Tagak and Tagak is actually her pawn.
Vafrus: That'd be pretty good. In which case, the Sorceress absolutely started it.
Harmony: Mmm-hmm. It's what I've been saying.
Don: Oh, yes, it is her fault, isn't it?
Harmony: Uh huh.
Vafrus: See, no matter what, we're justified.
Harmony: This is why I like you.
Don: Spoken like a true adventurer.
Tanam: Does everybody have a pretty good idea of where their character is, mentally and physically?
Harmony: I know, I was trying to leave, but Justice was blocking the door.
Tanam: Yeah, I think the way I summarized it was that you feel like you really need to go and head home. And that's super important to you right now.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: Does anyone know, a way to... dispel Suggestion?
Rozafeen: S U G G E,
Tanam: No, I- I- Dis-pel.
Rozafeen: Dispel.
Harmony: Right,
Rozafeen: Yeah, I don't have that.
Vafrus: There's my Counterspell, which is... Just Eldritch Blast. I'm gonna try that real quick here.
Don: So what you're saying is you, uh, don't have anything better than Eldritch Blast?
Vafrus: I mean, well, you're gonna see what I got.
Rozafeen: And it's going to be mostly Eldritch Blast.
Vafrus: But, but yeah, like, that's, that's my main, you know, I'm really hoping that having a lot of hit points is not a thing she's great at.
Don: Alright, you know, uh, I'm into this. Let's see how many hit points she's got.
Rozafeen: I don't have a picture of this room up right now, is there somewhere in the room where I can be within 5 feet of the Sorceress, but not within 5 feet of anybody I like?
Vafrus: If I remember, the Sorceress was all by herself by the giant table.
Tanam: Yeah, so you guys are on the other side of the table. I don't know if we have established how big the table is. We do have the seating chart.
Vafrus: Well, it is no more than 30 feet, because that's the range of Suggestion, uh,
Tanam: So, let's see, Justice is in the chair next to you, Urekas has wandered away...
Rozafeen: No, Justice is blocking Urekas.
Tanam: Oh, that's right. Okay. I think if you back up a little bit from the table, then Tagak and Urekas's two friends- so this is an interesting question, is: what do Urekas's friends do when Urekas gets up and starts walking away? I think they probably follow her.
Harmony: mhm. mhm.
Vafrus: That's been their behavior this whole way.
Tanam: Yeah, so they're probably just all standing behind her while she stands in front of Justice. So you guys came in- the door, it was behind you and you had to walk some ways. If you're sitting at the table, if you're looking at the table diagram, then like off to your left, up in the Ruffort direction, but past Ruffort is where the stairs was that Ruffort was trying to hide in the shadows of... poorly.
Vafrus: Like a boss, knowing this would happen. Supposing I might cause it.
Tanam: But the door is back behind y'all. Tagak might be angrily banging on the table, I think we just rolled initiative.
Rozafeen: I have no idea what I rolled.
Tanam: I've got initiative order up, So presumably we did something, or maybe we just went directly and did initiative.
Vafrus: Yeah, we, we, we rolled initiative and said to be continued.
Tanam: yeah, I think basically, everyone was like, "I want to do this thing." And I was like, "oh, if only we had some way of determining what order people got to do actions."
Tanam: so, first up in the initiative order is Hellena.
Rozafeen: Oh, good, because I need everyone to stay away from this person. So, she won't be mucked about with people all around her. So I'm going to try a Thunderclap, because I figure that it might damage her. And even if it doesn't, maybe the daughter will hear it. So I want to get five feet away from everybody else and within five feet of her.
Tanam: Oh, okay. Are you going to charge her?
Rozafeen: Oh, hell no.
Vafrus: I mean, you have to get close to her.
Rozafeen: Well, sure. But I don't have to run. It's not that big of a room and my movement's not terrible. So I think I'm going to do that, you know, conference room scoot that people do.
Tanam: Wait, they're gonna scoot your chair around the table, or are you going to slide across the top of the table?
Rozafeen: That would be awesome, but no, I don't want to be prone on this giant table.
Vafrus: The conference room scoot across the top of the table that people do.
Rozafeen: I don't know what kind of conferences you go to, but I want to come.
Tanam: Tellin you, The Magics, we have the best conferences.
Vafrus: It's a power move.
Rozafeen: It's, we're not, I'm not like standing up off of the floor such that that would take my whole movement. I assume that I can get out of the chair and go around the side of this table and get within five feet of this chick.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, I guess it's not exactly directly charging.
Rozafeen: Yeah, you know, I'm keeping it casual and then Thunderclapping the hell out of her. So the DC on that is 15, and it's a Constitution save.
Tanam: Oh, wow. That's a great first roll. That would be a natural one.
Vafrus: Let's start, everyone. We're doin' so good!
Rozafeen: I mean, if you want her to fall and hit her head, I wouldn't be mad about that.
Tanam: That would be an extremely amusing thing. Okay, what are effects of, of
Rozafeen: might the only way we get out of this fight alive.
Vafrus: She now thinks she's one of our friends. let's recruit her.
Tanam: what is the effect of failing your Thunderclap?
Don: This is, uh, Thunderwave, right?
Rozafeen: Thunderclap.
Don: Thunderclap.
Rozafeen: I rolled nine points of Thunder damage, and... It can be heard within 100 feet, so if the daughter is not locked in a room, she's just not in this room, maybe she'll hear it.
Tanam: Ah, okay.
Rozafeen: I mean, maybe minions will as well, so it's a bit of a gamble.
Tanam: Okay, so you said nine points of damage?
Rozafeen: Correct.
Tanam: Okay. I think you have an attack of opportunity against you by the lizard that was under the table in front of you.
Vafrus: You did mention something about a surprise round last session...
Tanam: We can say that this is like a quasi surprise. And yeah, we'll just skip the reaction for this time around.
Don: Surprise! There's a lizard under your table.
Vafrus: Maybe the lizard isn't surprised. The-
Tanam: We'll say the lizard is at least surprised enough to not react.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I mean, hell, if it's within 5 feet of me, it can go ahead and take 9 points of Thunder
damage.
Vafrus: he, he, he, he, hey...
Tanam: That is an interesting point.
Vafrus: Does it like follow her while she's like doing her office scoot?
Tanam: well, the question is, is uh, I'm trying to decide which lizards are where, spoiler.
Rozafeen: An important question. Does anyone really know where the lizards are? I mean, actually, apparently not.
Vafrus: Heh
Tanam: Okay. I'm making some decisions here.
Vafrus: They're like ethereal lizards where they can be anywhere until you measure them. If you look at them, it changes where they are.
Harmony: Whoa.
Tanam: oh, oh, oh, oh, I know where that one should go.
Harmony: Is it the Observer Effect? Is that why they change?
Vafrus: It's because they're really embarrassed.
Harmony: Awww. What are they embarrassed about?
Vafrus: Because they look like lizards.
Harmony: Lizards are cute.
Tanam: so this lizard, you said nine points of thunder damage?
Rozafeen: Yeah, nine points of thunder to anybody within five feet of me.
Tanam: So, Anablanlee does not make her saving throw and screeches a bit, so, in addition to the loud thunder noise that everyone hears. Also the like close to your ear talking continues and you, she screeches in your ear a bit. She took nine damage, so we're going to go ahead and do that Constitution save, and that'll do it. So concentration is maintained, Urekas is still commanded. As a response to that, rocks fall from the ceiling.
Rozafeen: Everybody dies?
Tanam: No. but, There are, not from the ceiling, but like, on the walls and stuff, there's- it's a stone tower, and, some of the, what you thought were rustic, decorations, upon her getting hit with that Thunder Wave-
Rozafeen: Thunderclap.
Tanam: thunder clap, yeah,
some rocks fall,
Vafrus: She really needs to build her architecture better, you know. Every loud noise is knocking pieces off this tower. It's really kind of embarrassing.
Harmony: mhm.
Tanam: Hellena needs to make a Dexterity save, please.
Rozafeen: Let me find the thing that tells me how good I am at that. Oops. Okay. That is a 19 total.
Tanam: That'll do it. You dodge out of the way of the rocks that fall on you, or are trying to fall on you.
Rozafeen: Suck it, rocks.
Tanam: Up next in the order are some lizards.
Don: So wait, is this actually a surprise round, or--?
Tanam: No, it was like this, like it was a pseudo surprise.
Don: Gotcha. It's surprising that we're doing this round, and that we're still alive, mostly.
Tanam: So Hellena went that way. I think it is going to follow-. You don't realize that this was what happened, but a lizard lunges out from under the table, So you're jumping away from the rocks that are falling on you and a lizard jumps out to bite you.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Tanam: 15. Does that hit?
Rozafeen: Oh man, how do I not know my... Hold on, finding AC. Yes it does.
Tanam: Okay. That'll be nine piercing damage.
Rozafeen: Well, that's not cool.
Tanam: And then the lizard that you hit also tries to bite you. oh, and that's a crit.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Tanam: 8 plus 2, that's 10 piercing damage.
Rozafeen: Well, I'm still alive, but I'm not a happy person. I mean, I guess that's always true.
Vafrus: Hehehehe. Status quo maintained.
Tanam: Are these lizards helping you self actualize, like?
Rozafeen: I wouldn't go that far.
Tanam: Okay. Ruffort. Lizard jumps out and bites you, that'll be a 20. Not nat 20.
Vafrus: Yeah, that hits.
Tanam: Only 5 damage.
Rozafeen: Jealous.
Tanam: And then, Georg, a lizard jumps out from under the table and bites at you. That'll be 14 plus 4, 18.
Don: No.
Tanam: Okay, so it bites at you and just, like, bounces off your armor?
Vafrus: It bites your metal boot and you're like, "Oh, I guess we're doing this."
Don: I was really confused up until this point, I thought we were having a nice, normal conversation. Urekas is going home, Hellena was just going towards, you know, doing a cool table slide.
Vafrus: feel really justified by this new narrative because like, I thought I was initiating things, but it's really the lizard's fault now and-
Harmony: mhm.
Don: Lizards are mean.
Vafrus: ...And maybe Hellena, but all she made is a loud noise. Like-
Tanam: Yeah, the lizard bites your boot and it's clamped onto it and looking up at you and you're looking down at the lizard and there's this really awkward moment of like, "Oh, wait, what?"
Don: I sort of shake my leg a little bit.
Tanam: And I guess it did not grapple you. So it lets go.
Vafrus: Bad lizard! No!
Don: Yeah, I looked down disapprovingly, that's exactly right.
Vafrus: It's got like a mouthful of oil. It's
Don: Mostly because you let loose the oil valve earlier.
Tanam: Probably some sand as well.
Don: Oh yeah, sand and oil, ooh, that's gotta taste great.
Tanam: Okay. Ruffort, you're up.
Vafrus: All right. so I'm going to move kind of in a circle. clockwise around the Sorceress, I want to remain within 30 feet, let's get within 20 feet of the Sorceress, but be as far away from this accursed table as I can get.
Tanam: Cause you know that lizards come out from the table?
Vafrus: No, no, I think the table's gonna do something else, this is like, clearly some, crazy-
Tanam: evil magic table. I'm gonna need you to take an attack of opportunity. The lizard, 18 plus 4,
Vafrus: Golly, these lizards are rolling well. All
Tanam: this is,
Vafrus: Yeah, that hits.
Tanam: and that's 6 damage.
Vafrus: Golly. Okay. Get away from the freaking table lizards. And, oh yeah, also I'm trying to get out of, like, fireball range with my friends. I'm pretty- I know, I know how this goes. So-
Tanam: I see. With, with my quote, "friends."
Vafrus: huh.
Don: have not once fireballed you.
Rozafeen: Yet.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. No, you're not gonna be doing it either. Someone else is. so yeah, I'm gonna be out in the middle of the room, behind the Sorceress if I can get that far away from everybody else, and then I'm gonna do a couple of Eldritch Blasts.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Hit her with my favorite toy.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Oh, I am not gonna hit her with my favorite toy.
Tanam: Did you miss?
Vafrus: Oh, wait, wait, no, I have this- I do miss with one of them, but I, probably. Maybe she's really weak. Let's see. okay. Hold on. so it's a 13 to hit and a 26 to hit.
Tanam: The 13 does not hit what was it?
Vafrus: 26.
Tanam: yes, that hits. So one of them goes wide. Burns a bit of cloth or something.
Vafrus: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: Uh, what is the damage on that?
Vafrus: Sad, seven damage.
Tanam: Okay, but she is needing to roll concentration. Ooh, and that is a failure. So, Urekas, you are not really sure why you felt the need to go home, but, that need is totally gone.
Harmony: Oh! Okay!
Tanam: That's the end of your turn, right Ruffort?
Vafrus: I'm gonna use a bonus action to give myself a die six of healing. I, I, I'm feeling those lizards. That was, that was sad. Yeah. And then that's my turn. Got, ooh, six, finally, rolled something good. Alright.
Tanam: So Harmony, does Urekas react at all to that sudden realization?
Harmony: Literally the only thing on my mind is I hate lizards.
Tanam: as established in a I guess, do you, I mean, do you want to let your friends know that you are no longer heading home?
Harmony: Oh, yeah, I think that's a good idea. Um, I do like a really nice dramatic turn and like my hair just flips perfect. Like the way it catches the light-
Tanam: nice.
Harmony: Is... Amazing. And I go, "Urekas is back."
Tanam: Excellent.
Vafrus: You're screwed now!
Harmony: Excuse me?
Vafrus: Our secret weapon is here.
Rozafeen: He's complimenting you.
Harmony: Oh, okay. I misinterpreted. I'm sorry. I have a lot of adrenaline going on right now.
Tanam: Up next in the order is Justice. Rozafeen, Justice is making sure that Urekas doesn't leave, but, I don't think that the Justice is sophisticated enough to understand that that is, moot.
Rozafeen: I mean-
Tanam: I think you can tell Justice to do something-
Rozafeen: Yeah, I, I asked Justice to prevent her from leaving. Justice isn't, I mean, she's, she's only animal smart, but I think that if she doesn't have to do the task that she was doing anymore, she could pounce on somebody. So, how many lizards can Justice see?
Vafrus: Tasty lizards..
Rozafeen: Or smell? How many lizards can Justice smell?
Tanam: Justice was growling at them earlier, probably knows about all of them.
Rozafeen: Great, what's that number?
Tanam: Well, during the lizard round, there were four lizards that attacked.
Don: You can whisper it in Justice's ear if you need to.
Vafrus: Justice won't tell anyone. She can't count that well.
Tanam: hitting the floor once each for-
Rozafeen: you know, this is interesting. I don't know that knocking a lizard prone would do much.
Tanam: I don't know, I think everybody gets prone rules, so I guess like prone for a lizard is like on its back or something.
Rozafeen: Okay, well then she wants to go to a lizard that is 20 feet away and go pounce on it.
Tanam: Okay, hmm, I should have made notes about how big this table is.
Vafrus: You gotta watch out for those lizards that have 20 feet.
Don: At that point, isn't it just a centipede? I don't really make these distinctions.
Vafrus: Very impressive when it goes prone though.
Rozafeen: Also, does a 14 hit a lizard?
Tanam: First, I'm trying to decide- figure out- where Justice is, I think Justice could probably get to Georg's lizard in 20 feet.
Rozafeen: So she wants at least 20 feet.
Tanam: oh, okay, but more is okay?
Rozafeen: Moor's okay.
Tanam: Okay, yeah, then I think any of the, so, maybe she would probably go for the ones that were attacking you.
Rozafeen: Yeah, she likes me.
Don: I see how it is.
Rozafeen: You got all that armor.
Tanam: As established.
Don: I guess that's true.
Tanam: Okay. She's going to go for the one that you hit with the Thunder Bolt. So you said it's a 14.
Rozafeen: Yeah, she rolled okay.
Tanam: Yeah, that hits.
Vafrus: Hold on, I heard that. DM said it was a Thunderbolt. You got a lot more D6s to roll.
Tanam: Thunder. What is it? Thunder, Thunder Clap, Thunder Clap.
Rozafeen: Thunderclap.
Vafrus: No takebacksies! Come on! Fine, still a Thunderclap.
Tanam: We will have named the spell, like, Thunder everything by the time this-
Vafrus: Thundersplash.
Rozafeen: Alright, so that's 4 points of damage to the lizard from the claw. Now the lizard has to make a DC 12 strength saving throw or else it's tummy up.
Tanam: Okay. Strength?
Rozafeen: Yes, so, you know, it might make it. But we can hope.
Tanam: uh, 16?
Rozafeen: Damn it.
Harmony: Awww
Tanam: So Justice pounces and tries to flip the lizard, but it does not flip.
Don: Why does "Flip the Lizard" sound like something that we shouldn't say in this, uh, forum?
Tanam: Next up is Anablanlee. What is she going to do?
Rozafeen: Really don't like it when you say it like that.
Tanam: ha.
Vafrus: She's got this menu, so many choices.
Tanam: Ha Ha ha ha ha , She is not excited about your thunder thing,
Rozafeen: Uh-oh.
Tanam: and so all of a sudden-
Vafrus: If she's casting a spell... I'm holding a counterspell.
Tanam: Yeah, she's very clearly doing a spell.
Vafrus: Using my knowledge, do I have any indication of what sort of spell it is?
Tanam: I guess roll an arcana?
Vafrus: Bad? oh, actually, bad. Thought I was good at that. Fifteen.
Tanam: I'm gonna say you got it. From the way that she's, chanting, it seems like it is a, Conjuration.
Vafrus: I don't need her conjuring stuff. That seems like- she doesn't need help. She's, she's got lizards, what does she need help for?
Tanam: What does this look like? She's chanting. Says some words that sound to you like the beginning of, of a Conjuration spell.
Vafrus: I'm just gonna yell out, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
Tanam: those are the words for the Counterspell.
Vafrus: there's like a flash of green light and yeah, her spell fizzles.
Tanam: Does she know that- I guess you yelled "no, no, no, no, no." So,
Vafrus: Not only does she know, if she has a Counterspell, she can counter my Counterspell, or try to.
Rozafeen: I don't have the patience for this.
Vafrus: You should have patience, I'm helping you, she was targeting you with Conjuration, she's gonna like, disappear you to another realm or something.
Rozafeen: no, no, no. no. I don't have an urge to slap you. I'm simply saying, her countering your counter to her counter of the goat's counter is just... Can't do it.
Vafrus: You have activated my trap counter!
Tanam: uh, I'd like to establish that, um, Counterspell, always has a thematic echo. She coughs a bit, and a spectral sword comes out of her mouth and falls on the floor with a clunk, and then disappears, and then she looks at you, Ruffort, and snarls.
Vafrus: There we go, you all were wondering what I got? That's what I got. I can waste exactly one of her turns.
Rozafeen: And Eldritch blast.
Vafrus: It's all up to the rest of you now.
Tanam: Half an Eldritch Blast.
Vafrus: Had I been economical with my spells before, then maybe there would have been more, but uh, let's just face it, that's not my character.
Don: It's more like an Eldritch Blah.
Tanam: Okay. Up next is Urekas.
Harmony: Yes! Bardic inspiration for everybody, because I love you all. Mm hmm.
Don: I'm not sure about everyone.
Harmony: I don't want you to die. The creature can add it to an ability check, attack roll, before knowing the outcome.
Vafrus: Can you do that to a bunch of creatures or just one?
Don: it's just one, sadly.
Harmony: Oh, it's just one?
Don: Yeah, it's a creature other than yourself.
Harmony: No, I thought I could give it to everybody,
Don: You can, it's just gonna take a long time.
Harmony: Right, well wait, I do Mantle of Inspiration, it's a bonus action, 8 temporary hit points to up to 4 creatures you can see each creature can immediately use its reaction to move up to its speed- without provoking opportunity attacks..
Tanam: Would you like to give it to the- other people in the-
Rozafeen: Help. Me.
Tanam: So you've got, three other people that are in your party. Who else would you like to give it to?
Harmony: Oh, uh, Justice?
Vafrus: Just pick four of your followers.
Harmony: Yeah, yeah, I don't know if like Georg really deserves it, um, I will give you one though, you're welcome.
Don: Thanks, I guess.
Vafrus: That's the inspiring thing you say to cause this effect. You're like, "I don't know if Georg deserves-"
Harmony: You made good coffee earlier, so, I guess I owe you one.
Don: I feel like I've really given myself this inspiration by making the coffee earlier. That's what I feel. But I guess that's just what an inspiring person does. Makes you feel good about what you already did.
Rozafeen: If I use her thing that she granted to back away from the lizard, am I going to trigger an attack of opportunity?
Harmony: "move up to its speed without provoking opportunity attacks."
Rozafeen: Great. Then I want to get as far away from this lizard action as possible.
Don: also like to move using... My, it was reaction? I would like to move to the Sorceress,
and away from the annoying lizard at my feet.
Tanam: Well, just so you know, you heard the snapping from the other side, so you are moving towards two lizards as well.
Don: Hey, you know, it's better than the one lizard that keeps biting my ankles.
Vafrus: I would like to move, too, but I can't, because I already used my reaction.
Tanam: Everybody got their eight temporary hit points?
Vafrus: Like those.
Don: Got them now, thank you. I almost forgot.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Tanam: Justice got them too. What else would you like to do?
Harmony: Ooh, thank you for asking, um, uh, I'd like to do an Enthralling Performance.
Tanam: Okay, that's, that takes a minute, right?
Harmony: Yes, is that too long?
Tanam: So, I think Enthralling Performance doesn't work if you are currently engaged in battle with them, does it?
Harmony: Oh.
Don: I mean, I guess if you want to spend ten rounds doing nothing but talking to people, I'd put that down in the "bad idea" realm.
Harmony: already regret saving you, Georg.
Don: I know.
Vafrus: Would be pretty funny if you like, just pull out, you know, whatever instrument that are like singing and everyone's like, you're like, "I did my part, you have your hit points."
Don: you're like, just hold them back for, like, nine more rounds.
Tanam: If you would like to do that for the next ten rounds, you can start doing that now, yes.
Harmony: I feel like that's maybe not a great idea.
Don: A Suggestion.
Harmony: What would you suggest?
Don: If you want to do something that does basically that.
Harmony: Uh huh.
Don: No, literally, the spell Suggestion.
Harmony: Oh, wait, the spell Suggestion.
Tanam: Do you have the spell Suggestion?
Harmony: Oh! Hey! I do have Suggestion!
Vafrus: You could literally tell her to go to your home, and she'll have to leave the tower, just like you were about to.
Harmony: that'd be so ironic.
Rozafeen: Maybe not with the letting her know where your home is, though, just putting that out there.
Don: I guess that's a good way to test if she already knows, though. I guess. I don't know.
Harmony: Wow, yeah, okay, because I'm reading this description. It says I can lie. So, I could tell the Sorceress, "I apologize. stop attacking us."
Rozafeen: Whoa, plot twist.
Vafrus: no!
Don: This is gonna make it really awkward when I punch her in the face.
Vafrus: you, you actually, yeah,
Tanam: okay, this is, this is interesting, okay.
Vafrus: You could end this combat and then see what all of us meatheads do about it.. Don't know about Georg, but I feel another surprise round coming on!
Rozafeen: it's sweet that you trust us.
Tanam: so, I, I'm not going to, uh, trick you here based on the rules, I will let you know, excellent plan, I would remember though that the Suggestion, the person will do the course of action, and if they can do that, they will just do it, and then the spell ends. So, you might want to phrase it in a way that isn't so easily completable.
Vafrus: The spell can last up to eight hours too, so it could be a really hard task.
Harmony: I can send her to the Great Gambling Hall, Yeah, maybe she would enjoy some gambling?
Vafrus: tell her to close her eyes and plug her ears for eight hours.
Harmony: I like that! Can I do that?
Tanam: I mean, it is, it is true that she recently got hit with a pretty loud sound that hurt.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, it's super reasonable. We're just looking out for you.
Don: So, do keep in mind, uh, the way the spell reads, if, she takes any damage, or if we damage her rather, then she's not going to keep doing the Suggestion.
Harmony: Well, we could just stop attacking her, right? Can we manage our adrenaline? Can we ground our energy a little bit?
Vafrus: It sounded like there was going to be some Wisdom checks coming up for that.
Rozafeen: It might be safer to send her away. Can you get her the hell out of here so that we can't attack her?
Harmony: Okay, so not to the Great Gambling Hall, probably.
Don: I'd like her to not be somewhere that we are.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Harmony: Well then, I'll tell her you should walk the opposite direction of the Great Gambling Hall because gambling is a dangerous habit that has ruined people's lives and we all want to walk out of here peacefully.
Vafrus: Give, give her a time limit, give her, make it so one step doesn't count.
Harmony: Oh, oh, for the next eight hours.
Tanam: Yeah, I guess you could just say, um, I'd like you to get as far from it as you can.
Harmony: I like, I like that's concise. No, no, she said walk for eight hours, that was what I heard. Maybe she can teleport, like that.
Don: I like, that teleport idea, I mean, like, teleport as far away as you can as many times as you can.
Rozafeen: maybe just get as far away from us as you can. That way, whatever method is most expedient for her.
Harmony: Okay, for the next eight hours, right?
Tanam: Well, you don't even have to, like, you could just say-
Vafrus: if, she could teleport then she could just. Come back in the same method, right? I like the walk plan. There's a desert here. Walking is It's a pain.
Rozafeen: Well, first of all, we're doing an awful lot of spell management for one character. But the thing is-
Harmony: so much pressure. Okay, I do a hair flip first, and then I say, "Get as far away from us as you can for one thousand years."
Tanam: So, like, if she, like, this is all happening, like, a thousand years ago, right? Anablanlee is gonna, like, show up at Harmony's house-
Vafrus: Better say a thousand in one years just in case.
Harmony: Thousand and one years.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: Makes it so much better. All I can say is I'm gonna be really disappointed if she makes her Wisdom save.
Tanam: yeah, okay, so, Target gets a Wisdom saving throw.
Vafrus: does the target get disadvantaged because of how funny it is?
Tanam: Not needed, it turns out. I'm assuming that you have a spell save higher than nine.
Harmony: Yeah, save DC is 15.
Tanam: Yeah, okay, so nine does not make it. So you all hear Urekas doing this-
Vafrus: As well As have a 10 minute conversation about the best way and like...
Tanam: yeah,
Harmony: Hahahaha.
Don: Longest six seconds of my life.
Tanam: Normally, we'd have to wait for her turn to do this, but, I'm going to say that it's going to happen, because it's funny. She looks over at the door, and, this shimmering mist spins up around her-
Vafrus: Counterspell! I got this, guys. Sorry, continue, Tanam.
Don: Make sure she walks.
Tanam: and, the mist poofs away, you hear her over by the door, with another, puff of mist and she opens up the door and runs out.
Rozafeen: Woohoo. we lived.
Harmony: Yay!
Don: This may be the best outcome I could have imagined for this entire scenario.
Vafrus: Look! We got us a whole tower!
Don: I know, right? You know, we could have just Suggested that now we own the tower, but no, this was better.
Harmony: You're welcome, Georg.
Vafrus: we know her weakness. Tell her to do whatever we-
Don: Her weakness: Wisdom saving throws.
Harmony: Wow.
Tanam: So yeah, I guess we're out of initiative order now. I, well, um, except that there are lizards still around. But I think her going out the door, the lizards are going to scurry away, towards a grating, near the-
Vafrus: Quick, grab one. We need to interrogate them!
Tanam: - near the far wall.
Vafrus: Who do you work for?!
Don: Let's not do this again.
Harmony: They don't talk.
Don: This is what we've learned. This is what we've learned out of all this.
Tanam: you mean that not in the sense that animals don't talk, but rather as in "they'll never talk."
Harmony: They don't give me useful information.
Vafrus: Screaming at the lizard, it rolls its eyes, it's like, "who do you frickin think, man?"
Tanam: Okay, so do you all let them go?
Don: Now, I really like that, uh, this lizard partakes in mirror weed. That's great.
Tanam: Uh, do you let them go?
Harmony: I am willing to let them go.
Rozafeen: Justice is sad, but she'll get off the lizard.
Tanam: Take a half hearted bite at it as it goes by, but-
Rozafeen: More like a claw swipe that kind of misses.
Tanam: mmkay. Okay, lizards run off, and you are in a tower, so this has all taken, You know, theoretically, like, six seconds. it happened fast, Tagak is just staring at the door.
Vafrus: Oh man, that whole, like, dramatic turning around and saying, "I'm back," so justified now!
Don: Really good, yeah. That's, that's kind of impressive. Made you look like a real badass.
Harmony: Thank you.
Don: Like, you come back, she leaves? Wow.
Vafrus: I'm like, oh man, all the, all the, all the, Urekas rumors were true.
Don: Georg steps a little... A lightly around you. he is gonna step foot towards Hellena and cast a Cure Wounds on her. Uh, I'll use the second level, and that is...
Tanam: I believe these are, uh, coffee poultices, right?
Don: Yeah, yeah, oh man. I keep saying the spells, I really gotta do this thing. Okay, so yeah, I pull out a really good coffee poultice. and, uh, and hand it over, it'll soak in and, uh, and just wipe away, let's say, if we were gonna use numbers here, 17 ish points of, uh, of damage.
Rozafeen: Nice. I feel much better.
Don: Excellent. Yeah, you were looking, rough.
Rozafeen: I mean, careful there.
Don: Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything-
Tanam: so I think that might be a. good place to leave it unless anyone else has things that they would like to do, before we-
Vafrus: Yeah, no, we're just, we got a thousand years to search this tower for loot. We're, we're, we're set.
Don: Yeah, that's a really good point. So what I'm gonna do so that I forget it before next time is praise Urekas. Say thank you a lot.
Harmony: you're welcome.
Tanam: And scene.
Rozafeen: Ah, love stories.
Don: It's all because I can forget it before next time.
Harmony: That's how we work.
Vafrus: You will never be allowed to forget that.
Harmony: No.
Don: Ah, it's a good point.
Harmony: Oh, you want me to take out the garbage? Remember when I saved your life?
Don: Uh, no, I don't recall.
Vafrus: I Suggest you recall for the next thousand years.
Don: Wow, I'm gonna have a really good memory for the next eight hours or so. I-
Tanam: unfortunately if she does you any emotional damage that'll, uh-
Don: think she just has an aura of emotional damage.
Harmony: Excuse me?
Vafrus: Hahahaah,
Rozafeen: Harsh.
Harmony: Wow.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Lizards are cute.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Surprise, there's a lizard under your table.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Not according to my handy shorthand in... This thing I'm looking at...
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: there's the Warlock Counterspell, which is... Just Eldritch Blast.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: "Failed to not escalate visit with Sorceress."
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Rozafeen: Yeah, nine points of thunder to anybody within five feet of me.
Tanam: they knocked prone or anything like that? Hmm.
Rozafeen: not according to my handy shorthand in... This thing I'm looking at...
Vafrus: There's a different thunder spell that knocks things prone. This is not that one.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: Yeah, this is a cantrip, so...
Tanam: So probably not a lot.
Don: This is, uh, Thunderwave, right?
Rozafeen: Thunderclap.
Don: Thunderclap.
Tanam: thunder- I think thunderwave is the one that does the. The prone-knocking.
Vafrus: Hold on, I heard that. DM said it was a Thunderbolt. You got a lot more D6s to roll.
Tanam: Thunder. What is it? Thunder, Thunder Clap, Thunder Clap.
Rozafeen: Thunderclap.
Vafrus: No takebacksies! Come on! Fine, still a Thunderclap.
Tanam: We will have named the spell, like, Thunder everything by the time this-
Vafrus: Thundersplash.