The Intern: Hi everyone, it's me, the Intern.
Just here to remind you that we're publishing every other
week now: once a fortnight.
Please enjoy this episode, and then the next after that will be on April 20th.
See you then!
Welcome back to Coffee, Cults, and Empires, the only podcast
bringing insights into the cool tech invented in 62C!
I haven't made much progress on what I'm calling the, quote, "accounting
issue," but seriously, thank you all for your support on the hashtag so far.
Remember, that's hashtag Petri people, P E T R I people.
In the meantime, I figured that we could use this platform to highlight some of the
really neat stuff going on in the world.
Some of which certainly has potential financial impacts, ahem, are you
listening, Rosie in accounting?
In all the episodes so far, what you've been hearing are "glaze" calls, and
glazes are basically magic mirrors.
I mean, Don would be mad about me saying that, but it's true.
They have to be near perfect in order to work, so they're really expensive, but
a lot of the people in the world have them for long distance communication.
They don't have computers or phones or TV or even radios, but honestly, I
might give up on all of those... well, most of those, for a magic mirror.
Another invention mentioned in this episode is snowsculpt.
Snowsculpt is, um, as far as I can tell, it's like magic ice.
I've been trying to use some of my spare time on the chronoscope
to learn more about it.
You can use it to make temporary things out of ice, which will function
more or less like the thing they're supposed to be, just a little melti-er?
Yeah.
Okay, enough tech for now.
Back in our story, the party has finally made it to the tower.
Tagak is probably feeling pretty vindicated, but also terrified.
The conversation with the Sorceress so far has been a little weird.
Will it get even weirder?
Let's find out!
Vafrus: Hey everyone.
Tanam: Hey.
Don: hey
Harmony: Hiiii
Tanam: how you doing?
Harmony: Hmm.
Vafrus: Oh, doing pretty good.
Harmony: Great.
Tanam: are you in a bath?
Harmony: Yeahhh.
Don: Why are you in a bath?
Harmony: I can bathe while playing D&D.
I'm wearing a swimsuit.
It's fine.
Don: I mean, we weren't questioning your decency, just your... decency.
Harmony: Okay, sorry.
Some of us care about our skin health and I'll have you know that taking a
hot bath is great for your skin, for getting rid of toxins, reducing stress,
which sometimes you guys cause me.
Vafrus: Is that bathtub in your living room?
Harmony: Well, yeah.
Vafrus: How did you get a bathtub in your living room?
Harmony: Um...
Vafrus: Did you get a new bath?
Is this like another thing that you've got?
Harmony: Well, I more created a bathtub made out of snow sculpt in my living room.
Tanam: Intern's teeth!
Harmony: Just for the purpose of this game and to help me, I had some joint pain
and I just thought this would help me to relax and have a great time with you all.
Don: I mean, normally I'd say that's weird, but that's
really kind of impressive.
Tanam: Yeah.
Harmony: Thank you.
I mean, I think it's weird that most people have a couch and a coffee
bar in their living room, but-
Don: Who doesn't have a coffee bar in their living room?
Harmony: I don't actually need coffee because, again, it's a snow
sculpt bath, so later on it's gonna turn cold and it'll give me even
more energy to play with y'all!
Vafrus: Oh, Oh, you're right.
Oh, damn.
That's gonna be- wait you, you're doing that on purpose?
Harmony: Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's going to feel awesome.
been doing it for six days in a row and I'm an expert.
Oh, laugh, you laugh, but-
Vafrus: Wait.
What happens when the bathtub part disappears?
Does it all just like go over your living room?
Tanam: mean, turn to ice first.
Do you re snow sculpt it after it turns to ice
? Vafrus: You're gonna freeze!
Harmony: I'm not going to freeze.
I have a rubber ducky thermometer and it tells me how cold it is.
It's fine you just worry about yourself and your own health.
Tanam: Oh!
Hi, Rozafeen!
Don: I'm worried about somebody's health.
Vafrus: Hey, Rozafeen!
Tanam: I can see you, but I can't-
Vafrus: No, Talking more doesn't help.
Sorry, Rozafeen...
Don: is not coming through.
Oh hey, have you try turning it off and then turning it on again.
Vafrus: Can you turn your glaze to point at your glaze so that we can see-
Don: Who has more than one glaze?
Other than Tanam?
[ Vafrus: We finally found a use case, Tanam.
Will you just take one of your glazes over to Rozafeen real quick?
Just, just haul it over there.
Ooh, ooh.
Okay.
Now guys, I have the perfect spell for this.
I think.
Let me, let me dig through my books.
Hold on.
Don: Okay, while he tries to, uh, cast a spell that's inevitably not gonna work-
Vafrus: hey!
hey, my spells work fine.
Tanam: are you gonna use, uh, Takovadan's Wipe?
Vafrus: No, no, no.
We're, we're gonna do a synchroscrying spell.
This is normally used for listening in on like enemy commander plans or whatever.
I think I can use it to look at her glaze though.
Oh, it flickered, she did something.
Nope.
That's worse.
Don: What I want you to do is, uh, so under the cover on the, the,
uh, lower left side, yeah, there, there's a couple of brackets.
Uh, and I want you to undo those and under that you should find
a wavelength modulation, dial-
Harmony: Ro- Ro- Rozafeen... ha- ha- have you tried an ice bath?
Because it- it can clear out, um, the, I, I'm getting some
negative energy from you right now.
I think everybody is.
Um, but it'll help to clear that out and just a align your body, and your spirit,
and that's gonna translate, magically.
Don: Um-
Vafrus: I mean, that makes more sense than whatever Don's talking about.
So-
Don: No, there's a dial underneath the covers and you just need to- sometimes it
takes a little twisting back and forth.
You're gonna need to shift it blue a little bit.
Yeah.
Just like that.
Harmony: Okay, that's perfect.
Rozafeen: blue, blue is the throat psinode.
that, that's why we can't hear you because it's the throat.
We, you need to open that up and rotate it to the right, just in the circle.
Tanam: Wait, rotate your throat?!
Vafrus: All right.
I found the spell.
it's gonna be a little bit tricky, it'd probably take a
couple hours to set this up...
Tanam: a couple of hours?
Vafrus: I think I can speed it up.
Does anybody have like two or three pounds of slugs on hand that they can use?
Don: Do, do you keep slugs on hand?
Vafrus: No.
No.
That's why I'm asking the group.
I, I, I, I have most of the other stuff that we could probably use, but
I don't, I don't have enough slugs.
Don: Okay, next question.
Why do you not have slugs on hand?
Vafrus: Listen, I didn't know we'd have to be casting this spell today.
All right.
It's, it's, it's complicated.
Okay.
How about, how about...
Tanam: what kind of slugs?
Vafrus: Ooh, okay.
No, we can, we can just use- no, we can use black pepper.
but-
Tanam: I see your... Takovadan's Wipe is right there!
Vafrus: No, no, that's a transmutation spell.
That's, that's irrelevant.
Tanam: No, it's not!
Vafrus: No no.
Here we go.
No, no.
We, we have to see what's wrong before we can try to fix anything.
Okay-
Don: think he might be trying to make a stew.
Tanam: wait, wait, wait.
So we're gonna do this whole divination and it's not actually gonna fix it?
You're just going to know what's wrong?
Harmony: You're making a stew out of slugs?
Vafrus: Knowing what's wrong gets you so far towards fixing it.
Like that's like 90% of the way to fixing it.
Harmony: Or accepting what's right is gonna fix your mind and your spirit.
Don: Or just dealing with the technical problem that's clearly the problem.
So, blue didn't work.
uh, go ahead and try shifting it towards red.
Harmony: Oh, red is good, right?
It's the root psinode.
Vafrus: Okay, I've drawn, I've drawn a symbol.
I'm holding it up to the glaze.
I need everybody to go get as much pepper as you have and to create
this symbol perfectly on your face.
Harmony: I can do that in my imagination, but I'm, I'm kind of,
my hands are a little numb right now.
Tanam: Did it happen?
Harmony: No, no.
I'm fine.
Like this is part of the process.
You guys go ahead and get the pepper.
Vafrus: Okay.
Okay.
I think I figured out a way to speed it up again.
Uh, and we can use your, your, your bath Harmony.
Your, your, your hot bath.
Okay.
So we need, we need five distinct droplets of hot water.
You need to like flick them simultaneously into the air with your left hand.
Tanam: Harmony, Harmony.
You're shivering...
Harmony: guys, it's, it's, it's cold.
You need to... it turned cold, you need to do the snow sculpt part of the bath.
That's the best part.
Don: Are your lips blue?
Harmony: It's yeah, because the blood is rushing to my lips.
Vafrus: Oh, it.
It's not hot water anymore.
Okay.
Well figure something-
Tanam: Are you?
Are you okay?
Harmony: I'm fine.
It's... Again, I, I'm reducing my inflammation and I'm enhancing my
mental health, and I'm going to increase my dopamine by like 300%!
Don: I mean, didn't you just say hot baths are good for people?
Harmony: You start hot and then you, you go cold, and then it shocks your body into
working harder so I can win this game.
I didn't mean to say that out loud.
Don: Wow, that's messed up.
Rozafeen: Am I coming through okay?
Tanam: Oh, hey, Rozafeen.
Don: Oh yeah.
Good.
It must have been the dial.
Definitely.
Tanam: Okay.
Welcome everybody.
I'm glad we're finally here.
Let's get rolling.
Harmony: Uh, uh, actually, t- Tanam, uh, I'm really cold right now.
Um, if you, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna get out of the
bathtub, um, and, and warm up.
Uh, you, you can play it without me.
Tanam: Oh, oh, okay.
Okay.
Well, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll just get everyone caught back up.
Harmony: Okay.
I, I'm, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna, um, I, I'm gonna play z zip,
zap, zop, uh, but, but by myself.
So go, go ahead.
Tanam: I have no idea what that is.
Vafrus: That's actually great because I just figured out how- oh, wait, we
don't need the spell anymore, do we?
Oh-
Rozafeen: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don: You can cast it anyway, I'll go gather, you know, 13 disgusting animals.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Rozafeen, just like make your glaze have problems again.
You know, it'll be really cool.
No, no, don't worry about it.
Rozafeen: Does your spell use spiders?
'cause that would be funny.
Vafrus: No.
No it doesn't.
Rozafeen: You're saying that like uses something else that's bad.
Vafrus: Okay.
There's like a few spiders in it.
Tanam: Okay,
Rozafeen: Man, the things I miss.
Tanam: so, so, okay.
The way that we landed last time I think Tagak is sitting directly across from
the Sorceress, and anyone who's been paying attention can probably guess
that that's her least favorite option in terms of what she would choose.
Vafrus: In the whole world.
Tanam: Yeah, pretty much.
But she does have Urekas right by her side which is good.
And some friendly followers around.
Harmony: Oh, hey, I'm back.
I feel so much better.
By the way, it's some friendly friends.
Tanam: oh yes.
Friendly friends, sorry.
- some friendly friends beside her.
And the rest of you spread out in support.
The Sorceress is, of course, on the other side of the table,
which is a pretty large one.
But as before, whenever she speaks, it sounds like she's right next to you.
You can decide for yourself how creepy you think that is.
Don: I try to get a sense of how the sound acoustics work.
So I, I go and shout really loud, thinking that there might be echo.
I go, "hello," And then I make a the echo sound myself, "hello, hello..."
Vafrus: This is amazing.
I really like this party.
This is very good.
Harmony: So, you're making your own echo, like you're yourself going, "Hello. Hel-"
Don: Like, I kinda start to, but then I stop because I realize it's silly and
is supposed to be serious, but I really want to know how the acoustics work.
Harmony: I mean, don't say "supposed to be serious." She has us here
because she likes our personality and I think we should just be ourselves.
Don: That's why she has us here?
Harmony: Yeah.
Why, why me here.
Rozafeen: I really wanna know how the Sorceress reacted to the echo thing.
Tanam: When Georg does this greeting, she tilts her head a bit to the
side in, in a bit of confusion.
"There's certainly... " no need to yell."
Don: Uh, I apologize.
Just interested in the acoustics of the room, is all.
A little too interested.
Sorry.
Rozafeen: I turned to Georg, and I say it really does sound like
everyone is right next to you.
Huh?
Don: It really does.
It's, a little disturbing, to be honest.
Tanam: "Yes.
That's one of my favorite things about this room.
I designed it myself.
Do you like it?"
Harmony: We love it.
Don: Do you often seat large armies at, at your table?
Tanam: "I wasn't under the impression that this was an army come to visit me."
Don: No, I mean, the table's large enough to fit one.
Tanam: "Ah, I see. A joke."
Harmony: Good one!
Rozafeen: Is she okay?
Don: I mean, half a joke.
I was really more just thinking, you know, like, why else would you
need a table this fricken large?
Just this is just absolutely massive.
Like, I have an eight person table set up at my house, and I use
maybe three spots, and I always think it's way too large and weird.
I mean, maybe if it had the sound thing, that'd be pretty cool, but it does seem
really oversized just for, I don't know.
I, I didn't notice any other special guests.
Uh, maybe I, maybe I'm, I'm overstepping here.
I'm just very curious.
This is really large table.
Tanam: "Thank you. It's-"
Don: Oh you're welcome.
I'm really interested in the enchantments and everything, uh, and how I might
recreate them with simple acoustics.
Harmony: This is going so well.
Tanam: I noticed, Don, for a second there that you were almost
seduced by the enchantments.
Don: I don't want to say "seduced." Okay.
Look, I would maybe make out with one of the enchantments.
Rozafeen: But it would just be a physical thing.
Don: Yeah.
Yeah.
Tanam: Well, and specifically not a metaphysical thing, right?
Don: Yeah, no, it, it would just be physical.
Very much solid reality here.
Is what we're talking.
Tanam: The Sorceress looks at you.
and, "Well, I am pleased that you like my enchantments. This table is, after
the sound, my favorite enhancement. It's actually the size that it needs to be."
Rozafeen: I sort of stare at all the blank space next to her.
Tanam: Do you aggressively stare?
Like are you pointing your chin and leaning over and looking at it?
Rozafeen: I mean, I'm not gesturing, but anyone paying attention to me will notice.
Harmony: I notice.
Vafrus: Ruffort, like, just silently curses to himself.
He's like, "oh, damn it.
Maybe she didn't notice me.
It was just the table.
Freaking magic table can detect me, I guess."
Don: Be really weird if your magical table had an extra place setting
though, and then nobody to fill it.
Feel like might be suspicious.
Tanam: Again, her head tilted to the side, considering you all.
She's absentmindedly chewing on her fingernails.
Luckily, the sound of her chewing on her fingernails is not magically
amplified as well, so it does not sound like someone is chewing on their
fingernails right next to your head.
Rozafeen: That would be a power move.
Don: I also feel like a table that magnifies chewing sounds would
not be anyone's favorite table.
Vafrus: What's wrong with your table?
Do you just hate yourself?
Do you have in-laws that you couldn't stand and they just kept on insisting
on coming over for holidays?
And so you've got this magic table?
Don: Georg sort of like thinks to himself and he's like, can I just like
order one of these from you, maybe?
Because that's really good point.
I can make a tower, eventually, like this, I think.
Vafrus: Sorry.
So, so yeah.
All, all of that would've been said, had the, the chewing sounds
been amplified, but they're not.
So actually we're just sitting in awkward silence.
Tanam: While she quietly chews on her fingernails.
Rozafeen: Yeah, like, as a player, I prefer to just get straight at the point
and be like, "Hey, we have questions.
About.
The.
Spiders." but I feel like Urekas did such a good job that I should just be chilling
and petting my cheetah for a while.
Harmony: Uh, why thank you.
Yeah.
I like to, you know, take it a little bit slow.
Tanam: Is this a surprise date for the Sorceress now, too?
Harmony: Well, I mean, previous one wasn't a surprise date, so I don't
know why you would even say that.
But, if to you a planned date where the person knows in advance
you're gonna show up and prepares a chair for you as a surprise.
Sure.
Don: Also, your date has thirteen people or something.
Tanam: Okay.
Tagak has not said anything, and continues to not say anything.
Urekas you can feel her; she's shifting a little bit in her
seat, but is not, you know, moving a bunch or anything like that.
Harmony: Oh, okay.
I just, can I just whisper in her ear?
"It's gonna be okay. Your mother loves you."
Vafrus: Everybody hears it the same.
Tanam: Yeah.
So, okay, let's unpack that.
Vafrus: This is great.
Harmony: Feel like anytime someone says, "let's unpack that"
to me, something bad happens.
Don: So did we hear all, all of that, then?
I, uh...
Rozafeen: How do you feel about travelling?
Vafrus: This is the DM equivalent of "we need to talk."
Tanam: I'm a bit confused about- are you referring to the Sorceress,
her potential mother-in-law?
Harmony: Oh!
Oh, sorry.
I meant the mother-in-law, Sorceress, who is right there.
Tanam: Okay.
Okay.
Harmony: It's okay, Tagak your mother-in-law loves you.
Just look at her.
Tanam: Yes, everybody hears that.
And the Sorceress's expression shifts.
Harmony: Like, a smile?
Tanam: She was not smiling before and she is not smiling now.
Vafrus: You said mother-in-law.
There's, there's no marriage yet-
Tanam: No, no.
This is-
Vafrus: but this implies there will be.
And she doesn't like that.
I, by the way, 100% agree with your decisions so far.
I have, I- no, notes.
This amazing.
Harmony: Thank-
Don: This is great.
Tanam: We're gonna roll again for Tagak.
Okay!
She keeps her cool again; amazingly keeps her cool.
She nat 20 keeps her cool.
Vafrus: She's so cool.
Tagak's the coolest of us all.
Rozafeen: Nothing is getting beaten to death with tongs at this dinner.
Vafrus: Yeah.
So Ruffort is prepared to sit in this awkwardness for a good, like, 20 minutes.
Uh, that is how long it will be before I decide to do anything.
So you guys, you know, keep that in mind as we're going forward.
Tanam: the Sorceress looks at Urekas, again with the head tilt.
She's got her pinky finger up to her mouth and she pulls it down
and says, "Um.... mother-in-law?"
Harmony: Uh, um, I just, I mean, family, loving family, it's, is not the law
that you have to love your family.
Rozafeen: I, I raise an eyebrow and I say, "Chosen family?"
Harmony: Chosen family.
Yes.
Yes?
yes
Vafrus: This Sorceress is starting to think that table that amplifies
chewing sounds is a great idea.
Don: Georg's just looking around the table going, "wow, it wasn't me this time!"
Tanam: What are you trying to do here?
Harmony: Uh, I'm actually gonna comfort Tagak.
I take it it's not working.
Rozafeen: She's rolling a one at comforting Tagak.
Vafrus: You know the woman that hates you and tries to send spiders to kill you?
She loves you, and let's remind her that you want to be part of her family.
This is great.
Tanam: Okay.
We've got two situations right now.
Tagak seems to be holding it together, but these are possibly not the best
ways to help her continue that.
The other situation is that you have referred to the Sorceress as a
mother-in-law and then "chosen family," do you want to do anything about that?
Harmony: Okay, am I getting the words wrong?
Is the Sorceress not family?
Rozafeen: They're not married yet, is what's going on, I think.
Don: And also the Sorceress is strongly against this whole marriage
thing, and that's why we're here.
Vafrus: And also, Tagak wants us to murder her, like very explicitly.
Don: guess why we're here, too.
Rozafeen: Hey, for the record, I promised no murders.
Well, let me rephrase.
I didn't promise zero murders.
I made no promises about murder.
Don: no murder promises one way or the other.
Tanam: very comforting.
Don: there's zero murders, but there's also a a one or negative
one murders in either direction.
Vafrus: This is a murder free group, by which we mean we are free to murder.
Tanam: It's the Sorceress's turn... yeah, she's not going
to keep it together so well.
There's no absent minded nail biting, now.
It's arms folded, elbows on the table leaning in a little bit, she
is now, definitely staring directly at Tagak and does not look happy.
"Iyyyyyyy take it thaaaaaaaat you are the one whoooo my daughter
has been associating with."
" Don: Wait.
So, before you didn't know who, okay.
I got- nope!
Ah!
I just choked on the non-existent food!" and I shut up.
Tanam: She was leaning towards Tagak and she rotates to be staring at you.
She points, and there is in front of you all, a plate of fruits, like one plate in
front of each of you, and a cup of water.
Vafrus: How nice of her!
Harmony: Thank you!
Don: Georg, um, drinks some water and like pretends like he had actually been
choking, uh, completely not convincingly.
Tanam: She maintains eye contact with you- the entire time she's doing
the spell, the entire time you are picking up the drink and drinking it.
And if you close your eyes while you're drinking and pretending to
choke and then open them again, she is still staring at you.
Don: Uh, my apologies.
Uh, I thank you, uh, for your hospitality.
Rozafeen: So what this needs is an icy blended beverage, which I shall
snow sculpt in honor of my home.
Tanam: Sounds delicious.
I actually kind of want one right now.
She looks back to Tagak-
Harmony: I wish Beeb's had this service.
Tanam: "Nooooo I did not know what she looked like. We've not met
previously. Soooooo, whhhhhyyyyy exactly, have you come to my home?"
Harmony: I'm trying so hard to keep a straight face.
Go ahead.
Tanam: "Why have youuuuu come to my home innnnn the middle of
the night with this, with this-"
Harmony: this group of friends?
Tanam: "As noted: small army."
Don: I really wouldn't call us army.
Like we're really not an army, though.
Armies are much bigger than this.
We're like, best a group of a couple people.
Few Few people.
Rozafeen: Justice starts sniffing the plate over enthusiastically
and drooling a little bit.
Tanam: So, Tagak just critically failed her keep calm roll.
Vafrus: That twenty had to have another side sometime.
Tanam: She stands up.
The chair falls over behind her and she slams her hands down on the
table and says, "Why? Why are you trying to kill me all the time?"
Rozafeen: Oh my gosh, popcorn.
Vafrus: Yes.
This is why we brought Tagak.
Rozafeen: I'm tearing the fruit into tiny little pieces so
that I can eat it like popcorn
Vafrus: I'm not touching my fruit.
Harmony: I'm eating the fruit.
It's not as good as when it's paired with chocolate, but it's pretty good.
Don: Wait, didn't you manage to bring one of the chocolate fountains with you?
Harmony: Wait, did I?
Rozafeen: She gave one to date guy.
Don: Oh-
Harmony: and then you gave me yours.
Mine's... I think it's in my room.
Don: yeah.
That makes sense.
Tanam: I think you were thinking about doing it, and I pointed out that you're
going to be walking two hours through the desert and that maybe you shouldn't
even make your friends do that for you.
Harmony: Okay.
Well, I just just know I regret not bringing it.
That's all.
Vafrus: would be pretty awesome if they like heaved it on the table, but then
you like loudly specified that "this is ours. We're taking it with us when we go."
Rozafeen: When we leave, the party stops!
Vafrus: Sorry, I keep on making up different stories from the one we're in.
Continue Tagak.
Tanam: After Tagak's outburst, the Sorceress does not match her emotionally.
The head tilt gets more intense.
Her ear is almost on her shoulder now.
It's getting a little ridiculous.
"if I was trying tooo killll you, please understand -- and, and this is,
is not a threat -- if I was trying to kill you, you would already be dead."
Don: Georg's gonna just go ahead and interject.
having rolled also a one on whatever Wisdom that I thought I should have.
Uh, and, and goes, "Wait, so were the spiders just a test or what was going on?
I'm really confused. Help me out here."
Tanam: She turns towards you and like her kind of body goes with it.
And then she tilts her head all the way across, goes from one side,
one side all the way to the other.
So now it's awkward on the other direction.
"Spiders?"
Don: Oh yeah, this was this whole thing.
Uh, so a bunch of spiders attacked the casino.
Tagak mentioned some things and other people mentioned some things, and so
we're investigating this whole thing.
Uh, and we thought that the spiders could have maybe been, I
don't know, charmed or something.
Rozafeen: Please.
I can't speak on behalf of everyone but sincerely, I'm here because you are
obviously a powerful sorceress and you might be able to give us some insights
about what happened at the Gambling Hall the other night in terms of what magics
may have been involved, how spiders could have gotten there so quickly.
We could really use some help.
Tanam: While you're saying this, something brushes across your feet, and Justice
is head down at the table, growling.
Rozafeen: I look at her and I say, "is it more lizards Kitty?"
Tanam: She looks at you as if to say "yes."
Rozafeen: I give justice a pat and I look back at the Sorceress and I say,
"Terribly sorry. We had a run in with some lizards on the way here, and not
go the way any of us wanted it to."
Tanam: "I'mmmm sorry to hear that you had trouble with lizards. They
are generally quite friendly." And the lizard that brushed your
feet has settled at your feet now.
Rozafeen: I whisper "Be nice, Justice."
Harmony: Well, since I have animal handling, I'll just pet the lizard.
Tanam: Do you reach under the table to pet the lizard?
Harmony: Yeah.
Yeah.
Tanam: Okay, I would like you to roll Deception because you are
claiming to be friendly to lizards.
Harmony: Okay, well I have, I rolled an eight, but my deception is plus 10.
Tanam: Excellent.
you are giving it a pet and it seems to be fine with that.
Harmony: That's nice.
Tanam: The Sorceress is just looking generally confused.
Rozafeen: This poor lady.
Tanam: "I don't knowwwww anything about anyyyyy spiders."
Vafrus: I'm gonna try my best to tell if I believe her.
Look at her eyes.
She's got this weird manner of speaking, but maybe I can figure out something.
Tanam: Yeah, give me a Insight check.
Vafrus: All right, I'm so good at these, guys.
Excellent.
I rolled a four for a total of two.
Tanam: As she says that she doesn't know anything about the spiders,
Ruffort, you are deeply convinced that she is telling the truth.
You, in fact, believe that she probably doesn't even know what a spider is.
Vafrus: Ah, okay.
Tanam: Like even a house spider.
Rozafeen: Uh oh.
Don: Wait, so is a half spider something with four legs then?
Tanam: No.
A house spider.
Don: Oh.
I was like, if a spider has eight legs, then is Justice a half spider?
Rozafeen: So would I be rolling an Insight as well?
Don: Yeah.
Would any of the rest of us be doing this?
Vafrus: Ha do sane people want to contribute to the conversation?
Tanam: I guess if anybody else wants to roll Insight checks, please do
so and tell me what your result is.
Rozafeen: I got a 13 plus seven.
Harmony: I got a four plus two.
Don: I just got a four.
Tanam: So that's a 20, Hellena?
Rozafeen: Dirty 20.
Tanam: Yeah.
You believe her that she doesn't know what you're talking about.
She seems like she's telling the truth.
Rozafeen: But does she seem like she doesn't even know what a house spider is?
Tanam: No.
Vafrus: You think she knows what-
Tanam: Yeah.
That whole journey that the rest of them are going on.
You are partaking in that.
Vafrus: You guys, we have to explain to this poor woman about spiders.
They might surprise her.
Don: Okay.
Okay.
like like you how the lizards have four legs, if you take two lizards
together, that'd be sorta like a spider.
Harmony: But you, you add more eyeballs.
Don: gotta add more eyeballs too.
Good point Good point.
And be like two lizards, strapped together.
Harmony: The rocks are the eyes, that's a good analogy.
Don: And yeah, some rocks for eyes.
Harmony: Two lizards with six rocks.
Rozafeen: I look at the sorceress and I say, "We didn't get this investigative job
based on our intelligence, apparently."
Don: Georg looks really offended and is like "I am very smart. I
am extremely intelligent. I built this armor and all of this myself."
Rozafeen: Two lizards stuck together, Georg?
Don: Look, okay, I didn't say my analogies were good, I'm just trying
to explain to a spider- or or to someone who doesn't know what spiders
are what spiders would look like.
Rozafeen: I start gently hitting my head on table.
Don: Okay, fine.
You explain what spiders are if you're sooo genius.
Tanam: The sorceress is chewing pretty readily on the end of her ring finger
and takes it out for long enough to say, "Thannnnk you all for your 'help.'"
Harmony: Can we just look at her and let her know that, "you know, biting
your nails, it's not a very good habit. There are other ways to manage stress."
Tanam: you say that?
Rozafeen: Oh my gods.
What did you roll?
Harmony: Oh wait, should I roll?
I didn't roll before I talked.
Should I do that?
Tanam: I will allow you to roll a Wisdom saving throw to not say that.
Harmony: Uh, I rolled a seven.
heh.
Can I use like a luck point?
Don: I like it without the luck.
Harmony: Okay, I rolled a seven and I stand by it.
I'm trying to help her.
She needs to not do that.
Rozafeen: I have not stopped hitting my head against table.
Tanam: So, , it is Urekas's turn to get hit with that
super intense unblinking stare.
The Sorceress swings over to look at you, Urekas, and just direct, deep eye contact.
She holds up her pinky and second finger, places them together and
slowly puts them deep into her mouth and bites down, giving you the tower.
Rozafeen: Ehhhhhuuu.
Harmony: Oh, oh, oh, okay.
I apologize for trying to help you.
Tanam: Okay, Okay, so you're doubling down?
Harmony: Uh huh!
Yep!
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: This seems to a pattern.
Tanam: She continues to maintain eye contact with you
and chews a couple of times.
Not hurting herself, but really just emphasizing that this is
definitely what she is doing.
Harmony: Okay, well " oh, hey, I could bite my nails.
Oh, but I don't, I have an ounce of self-control.
How about that?
Weird."
Tanam: She pulls them out and just flicks it at you, as in just brushing you aside,
and not really being sure who to stare at, at this point, defaults to Tagak.
She leans on the table and is looking at Tagak and looks more
just maaahurrra and says, "Despite whaaaaaat shhheeeeeee might tell you,
my daughter issss not interested."
Harmony: Not interested in what?
Tanam: She looks at you for a moment, and then looks back at Tagak.
"Pleeeeaaassseee stop bothering her." And Tagak says, "well... well... well...
why don't you make your birds make me?!"
Harmony: Good one, Tagak.
Tanam: "I am assuming that you mean that I attacked the casino
with some sort of bird army?"
Harmony: Uh, um, I was looking at Georg.
"Does she birds are spiders? Did you explain that right?"
Don: Yeah, They, they don't have wings, uh, spiders.
I'm really confused.
Can someone please explain this to me?
I, I don't understand.
So it seems like maybe your, your daughter either, uh, isn't
interested, in which case, Tagak, maybe you should back off a little.
Or your daughter is interested and we're only talking to you- uh, Ms. Sorceress
uh, that I don't know the name of- and you know, and maybe she is interested.
I feel like, I don't know why the need for you to be involved as a,
a gatekeeper of sorts, but at the same time, I would understand if
maybe Tagak has gone too far here.
Uh, I'm not really sure what's going on though, and I feel
a little out of my depth.
Tanam: For the whole speech, she was continuing to stare at Tagak.
When you finally say, "a little out of my depth", she briefly looks
at you and says "Quite." And then goes back to looking at Tagak.
Vafrus: I am gonna speak up for the first time.
Harmony: This'll only be good.
Vafrus: I, I love how you're already bracing yourself.
" Harmony: I have something to say!"
Vafrus: No, I'm just gonna wonder aloud, "Where is your daughter anyway? Seems like
she could be part of this conversation."
Tanam: Okay, you have earned yourself a stare.
Vafrus: I'm in the stare club.
I'm gonna take that to mean that she needs me to explain to her what birds are.
Harmony: It's like a lizard that can fly.
Vafrus: So if you take the two lizards we were talking about before.
Harmony: Well, two lizards, so you'd have to remove two of the eyes.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
So, but you start picking off legs cuz we don't need nearly so many of those.
Harmony: And you add feathers.
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: "She's... sleeping."
Harmony: Wait, she's sleeping?!
Vafrus: I mean, sounds like we could clear this up pretty fast.
Tagak, if we just get her up, you know, get, get the daughter
down here, then Tagak can be on her way and we'll all be good.
Right?
Harmony: Yeah, Georg Can make her some coffee.
Don: Yeah, I can make everybody coffee.
For sure, absolutely.
Vafrus: Georg is like "Finally a way to smooth this over."
Don: Hey look, I don't exactly make a, a good impression most social situations.
I think, think so far uh, I've rolled, "put your foot in your mouth as far
as possible and bite the left two toes. Your ring toe and your, pinkie
toe." Uh, four out of five times.
Vafrus: I'll turn Tagak and be like, "Sorry, Tagak. I really thought you
were right. I even bet money on it."
Harmony: Oooo!
Does that mean I get your money?
Vafrus: Oh, no, no, no.
The tower's still here.
Harmony: Dang.
Okay.
I get it.
Tanam: The Sorceress, for the first time is, really starting to look
like she's losing her patience.
She, instead of leaning towards anyone or leaning on the table or anything,
she leans back and, you can tell from the way how little her mouth is
moving that she's whispering, but of course you hear it all, as if she's
whispering directly into your ear.
You had gotten used to the way that the talking was working and, this
has gotten weirder and creepier.
You can almost feel her breath as it's on your ear.
She says "She is not interested."
Harmony: Not interested in talking to us?
Vafrus: Can I have another, uh, Insight check my, my bullshit
alarm is going off a little.
Tanam: Go ahead and roll.
Vafrus: Alright.
Uh, 17 minus two is 15.
Rozafeen: I got a 19.
Don: Twenty-two for mine.
Tanam: Urekas are you trying to, uh, figure out if she's, uh...
Harmony: yeah, sorry.
I, um, rolled the wrong die.
Tanam: Just as a side note, are you just doing this based on
how she looks or are you, uh, planning on using any of your uh...
Harmony: oh, um, I, I would love to use the Helm.
I didn't know if it'd be too obvious.
Just put on the Helm in the middle of the conversation.
Tanam: Oh, are, are you not wearing it?
Harmony: If you think I'm wearing it, then I'm wearing it.
Tanam: I was wondering about that.
Rozafeen: Don't you always wear it?
Harmony: Yes!
I always wear it.
so it's on.
What are you talkin' about?
Tanam: but are you also trying to read surface thoughts?
Harmony: Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
So we need to figure out a reason in fiction that you have not done this
before, during this conversation.
Harmony: Oh!
I- I, was just entertained.
don't wanna be dependent on the Helm, you know?
I wanna see what I can do without it.
Tanam: Okay.
But for this moment, you decide to do a scrape and see what you see?
Harmony: Uh-huh.
Vafrus: She was believing her own propaganda.
Harmony: You know, in theater, we do this all the time.
We believe our own lies.
We train ourselves to do that.
So, yes, I think my character could do that.
Don: I like how we just set this precedent.
This really entertains me.
Harmony: I'm just speaking my truth.
Tanam: As she, says out loud, "she is not interested" very slowly.
You're hit with an image of a woman who, looks a lot like the
Sorcereress, but considerably younger.
Vafrus: Her evil twin!
Harmony: Her evil younger twin.
Vafrus: sorry, continue.
Tanam: She's very angry, and hurt.
And she's yelling, "Stop! Meddling! Mother!"
Harmony: Oooooo...
Tanam: Everybody else gets the impression that she's working very hard to exude
confidence in what she's saying.
Rozafeen: Anyone who won't let somebody just speak for
themselves is starting to be weird.
Vafrus: Yeah, especially, you know, we came all this way with a whole army.
"listen, listen lady-"
Tanam: are, are you saying this?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
I was gonna actually speak up, but if Urekas wants to talk,
you can, you can go first.
Harmony: Okay.
Well, I mean, I don't know.
I was considering just telling the Sorceress, "Just wake up your daughter
and we'll go home much easier..." Unless you had something better to say.
Rozafeen: I don't know that you guys have time to consult.
Vafrus: yeah.
There's, yep.
All right.
So that's in the air.
Tanam: okay.
Vafrus: Does, does it look to me like she's hesitating and
unsure what to do with that?
Tanam: No.
She looks at Urekas and.
says, "Go home." Are you immune to charm?
Harmony: Wait, am I immune to charm?
Rozafeen: I am for what it's worth.
Tanam: You are.
But she is specifically talking to Urekas.
Harmony: Wait, she's asking.
Wait...
Tanam: This is me, the DM, asking you, Are you immune to charm?
Harmony: I don't think so.
Right?
Tanam: I would like you to roll a Wisdom saving throw please.
Harmony: Um, nine plus one.
Tanam: Okay.
You stand up, turn around, and walk out the door.
Harmony: Is anybody following me like my followers, my friends?
Vafrus: mean, the followers probably are.
Tanam: I guess they're most of the people at the table,
they haven't been saying much.
They look super confused.
Urekas is just walking out the door; the followers all get up and follow her.
Rozafeen: So, before she gets out the door, if that's possible- I don't have
a great concept of how big this room is- but assuming it's a big enough room, say
to Justice, "Justice, block her path.
Stop her." I look at the Sorceress and I say, "don't."
Vafrus: I'm gonna stand up and I'm, I'm ready for combat.
I'm like, all right, this is going down.
I'm, I'm, But maybe it's not.
One last chance.
"I respect what you got going on here.
Sweet setup, sweet tower.
You know, you got some weird thing going on with your daughter.
I don't care, really.
But, uh, Tagak's our friend, and I'm starting to think you lied . I
think you do know what spiders are!"
Don: This is the most important thing happening.
Vafrus: "So.
there's, there's a lot more of us than you.
Don't be stupid.
Just let your daughter come down." And then I'll, like, get ready
for her to cast a spell at me.
Don: I feel like at this point, Georg also finally notices that things
might not be a hundred percent peaceful and, that he should be ready.
Tanam: When you say, "don't be stupid," basically, she snickers This is
the first that she's really laughed.
and it's very dismissive.
"I... really... hope... that... you are not... threatening me."
Vafrus: That didn't seem like a spell.
Huh?
This is going really well.
Tanam: By the way, Urekas, Justice is in your way.
You're not going to hurt Justice or try anything.
But, it is deeply important to you that you get out and go
home, and Justice is in your way.
Harmony: Oh no!
Tanam: You can figure out what you wanna do about that while
the rest of this is going down.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: She looks at Tagak and says "Your... friend... has... already...
left. Perhaps... you should follow her."
Rozafeen: I yell "Tagak!. Plug your ears. Plug your ears!"
Tanam: Tagak is looking pissed, but isn't saying anything.
When you yell, the Sorceress looks at you and says, "Some... people...
need... to be told in... certain ways... what is best for them. Some...
understand wisdom... when they hear it."
Vafrus: At that moment, I would like to attack her.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I was just gonna say, I've got no more patience for
this bullshit, it's Thornwhip time.
Vafrus: When she says the word, "some understand wisdom,"
that would be moment like.
Tanam: If we've got multiple people who want to attack at once,
it is probably initiative time.
Rozafeen: Oh I rolled a good roll.
I wanna use it for my attack, though.
I was rolling for Thorn Whip.
Vafrus: By the way, my internal monologue is that she's clearly using non-lethal
force to get us to leave her home, which is a very, like, good thing to do.
So that's why it's okay for me to like go after her is cuz you know, I, yeah-
Don: Wait, so are you one of those
evil of the worser evil is my best friend, evil type of people?
that what is?
Vafrus: I mean, I am a genuinely evil person who only does good things, but
says a lot of bad things, because I've got a good spirit who's possessed me and-
Don: right.
mean, I get that part, but most evil people have a tendency to not really care
what the other evil things are doing.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, if she's, if she's evil, then maybe I can recruit her or something.
But she's too good for that.
Don: Oh, I get it.
I can't believe she would altruistically protect her daughter like that.
Vafrus: yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm, I'm not, I'm not convinced but a lot, lot of moms have weird
relationships with their daughters.
I, you know, I'm, I'm not really gonna get into that, but the fact
that she started using force with us, but it was very gentle force.
That's in my mind- see, I'm, I'm latching onto that to, to explain why
I'm being a bad person and still this.
Tanam: Are you ready for the fight with the Sorceress?
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Rozafeen: Ooo.
Don: You're not gonna play like a 20 minute long intro, are you?
Vafrus: It's only ten minutes, come on, give him a break.
Don: Okay, Okay, good point, good point.
Uh, I think I have time for a quick nap.
Rozafeen: I going to say, let me lie down.
Tanam: Crushing bean.
Okay.
Roll for initiative.
Vafrus: Ooooo!
Don: Is that a different rock?
Rozafeen: That was a different rock.
Vafrus: I thought it was the first rock again, that's the third one?
Don: No, this is like a spooky rock.
Vafrus: Tanam!
Rozafeen: Tanam, how much money?
Vafrus: How many rocks are there?
Guys, we have to get into a bunch more battles.
I run out the door and get into a fight with a lizard.
Rozafeen: No, please don't he'll play the long one again.
Vafrus: Wait, wait, I attack the pile of rocks outside!
Uh, uh?
Harmony: Maybe it's because Tanam thinks we're all about to die, so
he was like, "I'll just spend the rest of my money on this music."
Don: Where do you work again?
Cause I need that job.
Whatever that job is, I need that one.
Harmony: No, I need the job of whoever's selling you the music.
Don: Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.
Tanam: Are y'all done?
Don: I mean, really good intro.
It was cool.
I'll roll some inititive now.
Vafrus: Yeah, it was really cool, though, yeah.
Harmony: It did sound cool.
Don: it was great.
I love it.
Rozafeen: It was very spooky, and I hope reasonably priced.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: It wasn't.
Tanam: Oh no!
Rocks fall on Georg!
There's so many rocks falling from the ceiling!
Rozafeen: It was a multi pack of rocks.
Don: Oh wait did you buy it as like a package?
It was like a package deal?
Do we have some more rocks?
Vafrus: if it's in period, does that mean our character's hear it, too?
Does it like, come out of that big table or something?
Don: bet the pile of rocks below plays it.
Tanam: okay.
Roll initiative.
Vafrus: Aww, aww, hey.
Don: Oh man, I am so in the mood to roll.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I know.
I totally rolled.
Rozafeen: Do I get a plus one from the inspiration I just experienced?
Tanam: Crushing bean!
just roll.
Harmony: Tanam's just gonna play this music over and over again
Rozafeen: Yes
Harmony: til we do what he wants.
Don: the whole fight,
Vafrus: Wait, wait, guys, gotta do it, he'll break out the long one.
Don: Oh no.
Rozafeen: Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'm rolling!
Don: The fight will be over.
Wow.
Look at the time.
Ah, you better roll my initiative next time.
six.
Tanam: A six.
Okay.
Don: I was six.
Rozafeen: forget what we add to initiative.
it just Dex?
Tanam: Dex modifier.
Yeah.
Rozafeen: So that's a 21 for me, which I think fits well with the scene.
Tanam: Yeah.
What was it?
A six, Georg?
Don: You know, you don't have to rub it in.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: 17 for me.
Harmony: And the total of, uh, 12.
Tanam: Twelve for Urekas.
Everybody who was wanting to go early got nice high ones, so.
Don: You know, this actually really works out as far as like a
motivation to fight thing cuz Georg is like, she's an enchantress.
That's not good.
This is really bad.
Ah, I really need some mental defenses in this armor.
And he is just not looking forward to this fight, cuz he
knows he's gonna get fucked with.
Tanam: Okay.
Well you managed to make it a battle.
Rozafeen: Just for the record, I was trying during the whole
first half of this thing to just be nice and ask for her help.
Vafrus: Yeah, and I was convinced for a while that we should just
leave and I was like, oh, okay.
I somehow fully believe you.
I guess we should go.
Harmony: I was trying to be nice, but then I felt so many emotions towards Tagak.
Vafrus: Come on Tagak!
Get those tongs!
Tanam: Tagak did not bring any tongs.
Uh,
Vafrus: Tagak is the master of makeshift weapons clearly.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Harmony: Okay.
Calm down.
You can't see anything.
The Intern: Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one picture of his cat's eye
and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Don: It's, a little disturbing, to be honest.
The Intern: Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I've got no more patience for this bullshit it's thornwhip time.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Check out readysetrole.org.
Vafrus: Talking more doesn't help..
The Intern: Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm. Find him at markephair.com.
Tanam: Crushing bean.
The Intern: And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich, or check out my
drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find links to more of their work, including fiction and game
design, at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Tanam: Oh, shoot.
I forgot to turn off my camera.
Okay.
There we go.
Let me know when we are ready for silence.
Don: A few moments of silence for Mark's camera.