The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires, the only podcast
where it takes eight episodes for the party to get more than an hour
walk away from where they started.
That's right, our heroes are finally heading out into the
desert with Tagak to find the tower that she alone insists is there.
It's apparently inhabited by the Sorceress and her daughter, the one preventing the
other, respectively, from dating Tagak, so it isn't suspicious at all that Tagak
is trying to pin the spider attack on her.
Oh, that's right!
In more fun news, I got access to, drumroll, the chronoscope!
Y'all, this thing is so cool!
I've been looking at a bunch of things, mostly for that mindreading
project, but one big thing that I've also been researching is Urekas.
It turns out that Harmony based Urekas on a legendary character who's
credited with all sorts of things.
Once, the mythical Urekas apparently convinced the gods to make a waterfall
to drown the Lonyu Empire, and then convinced the Lonyu Empire that she
had brought the water to fix a drought?
The biggest surprise is that I found several people named Urekas, historically,
and they've all done big, impressive things, which all eventually get credited
to the composite culture hero, Urekas.
They don't all have the flowing red hair or the tendency to
start cults wherever they go.
But, there is one thing that they all have in common: a temper of mythic proportions.
And that observation is definitely not foreshadowing...
Vafrus: I'm trying to think of how to bring up my girlfriend.
Rozafeen: Every conversation, look right there.
We know, we know, she exists.
Don: I mean, do we know she exists, though?
Harmony: I mean, if she exists in Vafrus's mind, then she exists.
Don: Look, I've had imaginary friends before, and, um, I don't know if
I'd ever call them my girlfriend.
Vafrus: Hey!
No, seriously, I was up, like, super late talking to her last night.
She's just, she sleeps during, it's, it's complicated, cause
she's got a night shift, but she's totally real, and, and, you can
talk to her when she's not sleeping.
I can prove it any other time but this.
Rozafeen: Mhm, or
Don: every single time.
Rozafeen: anytime we throw a party, anytime...
Vafrus: 'Cause she lives in the Fyoos like, she doesn't, she's not,
like, physically living here, so, you know, it's, she's real, she's real.
You guys know she's-
Rozafeen: question, how much money do you send her?
Like, presuming that I believe that she's real.
Is she real and gorgeous and you send her a lot of funds?
Vafrus: I mean, okay, there was, like, a portion of our relationship where
that's, like, how it worked, but that's not that's not what it is, alright?
That's I know what you're going for.
That's
She's actually my girlfriend, alright?
Harmony: Well, do you share a bank account?
And that's why it doesn't work like that anymore, she doesn't have to ask.
Vafrus: Well, I mean, maybe someday, but we're we're not,
like, also not quite that close.
Don: Okay, so, I guess, just, you know- feel bad, cause I don't want to
say that you don't have a girlfriend.
I just wanna understand your relationship a bit better.
I wanna understand like, how, how do you two work?
Like how do you do a long distance relationship, assuming that you're not-
Vafrus: We do glazed conversations most nights, uh, except on, uh, every eighth
day and, and when she has to work, uh, or when I'm, you know, with you guys.
Every 38 days or so, we get together.
That's about, uh, when she can get time off and we, hang out, we usually
meet somewhere between here and there, have like lunch or something.
You know, it's, it's tough, it's not, it's not easy, meeting someone and,
and trying to build something from so far away, but like, SHE'S REAL
Don: I mean, she's definitely real.
How how'd you two meet, again?
Vafrus: Okay, so this is gonna sound crazy, but I promise it's not.
Don: I'm listening.
Vafrus: So there's this network where you can, like, meet up with people who
have had similar dreams as you, we, we first No, no, it's like, it's real!
Harmony: Wait, did you meet in a dream?
Vafrus: Well, think we did, I mean, nobody else seems to think we did, but, but also,
but then we met in real life afterward.
Don: Did you like catapult yourself to the Fyoos?
Vafrus: No, no, no, we, we, we, I, I haven't visited the Fyoos,
we usually meet in the middle.
I'm, I'm-
Don: You've never even been to her place.
Vafrus: no, and I've never, like, it's, it's a long way, all right?
We have to, yeah.
Don: And how, how long have you been dating?
Again?
Vafrus: Two years?
Maybe, maybe three?
No, no, it's been two, two, yeah.
Harmony: So if you meet in the middle, does that mean you meet on the Bridge?
Vafrus: Uh, sometimes, yeah.
We pick different places each times.
She has to take a ferry.
Uh, part way up the Bridge.
Rozafeen: Yeah, does she like rock climb up to the middle?
Like,
Vafrus: No,
Rozafeen: they're one way.
Vafrus: There's like services.
You can take a ferry and like, it's not like the old days.
Rozafeen: Are you scrunched up at like the tiniest two person table ever?
Vafrus: the restaurants, the restaurants are pretty funny because you have to have
like a different waiter come every time.
Uh, as they like go the tables like can never back.
Tanam: Ok, now know you're bullshitting us because-
Vafrus: I, I, I swear that's, there's a restaurant like that maybe that they just
like lean into it, 'cause it's a gimmick.
I dunno,
Don: Sure, sure.
Harmony: don't want to start a conspiracy theory, but what if she's
trying to leave Vafrus and that's why she can't go the other direction?
Don: this is good.
This is good.
Rozafeen: Is it?
Tanam: Because they- Because they only meet on the Bridge?
Harmony: Uh huh.
Vafrus: I mean, we, we don't always like, that was just like
twice we've met on Bridges 'cause we wanted to visit the Bridges.
You know, that's, it's kind of a fun experience.
Don: So, over the course of two years, how- how many times have you met?
Vafrus: Uh, like,
Don: dream meets,
Vafrus: Well, we only had the one dream, like it's hard to arrange
dreams, but we, we've met like-
Tanam: Scheduling is really hard when else has the
Vafrus: Yeah.
I haven't got the spell right.
Don: Yeah,
Vafrus: plus, she's really busy and invading dreams, it's a, it's
a real, real, uh, invasion of privacy if you do it on purpose.
So, uh, you know, the, the happy accidents is kind of the main way.
But, uh, yeah, I don't know.
Like, 19, 20, 30 times?
Something like that?
Harmony: okay, story checks out.
Well, it's every-
Don: lol, lot of times.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Harmony: Uh, who asked who out?
Vafrus: Uh, I, I asked her out.
Harmony: Okay, and it was in a dream.
Vafrus: No, no, that part didn't happen in the dream.
Rozafeen: It didn't even happen in a dream?
Tanam: Were you guys already dating in the dream?
Or did one of you have like a banana for a head or something?
Vafrus: Okay, I'm done talking about this.
You're all mean.
Rozafeen: of course we're mean.
Don: I mean, I feel like we're just trying to figure this out, right?
Vafrus: because I had a dream about a girlfriend, doesn't mean she's imaginary!
Don: yeah but I mean if I had a dream about a girlfriend it usually is imaginary
and you know, you can say that my dream self just isn't sexy, but that's
very mean and mean spirited of you.
Rozafeen: I was gonna try to riff on that and I don't know where to go.
Don: You know, that just hurts worse, thank you.
Rozafeen: Always here for you.
Don: I know.
Vafrus: Okay, well, you'll all see.
gonna, I'm gonna invite her to our next session.
She'll be there, and then you'll see.
Prove you all she's real.
Don: I I can't wait.
Harmony: Yeah, what's her name?
Vafrus: Sevrin.
Harmony: Sevrin.
That's a pretty name.
Vafrus: Yeah!
Tanam: Wait a second.
That's not- Okay, no.
Serva, would you be, would be you backwards.
I'm just saying that S U R F A V, uh, what is that, Sirfav, Sirfav,
Vafrus: lot of the same letters for our names, yeah, like, I
didn't, I definitely, yeah,
Tanam: adorable.
Yeah.
Vafrus: It's like it was fated, you know, even though I don't believe in fate.
Harmony: Were you dreaming in Sinister World?
Vafrus: I don't think so, I don't, I don't think that's where dreams
go, I don't actually know that much about dream magic, or else I'd see her
more often, maybe invite some of you,
Don: She is from Sinister World.
She's just you, in Sinister-
Vafrus: no!
know what?
I'll take it if you'll admit that my girlfriend is real.
Don: And we'll take it as soon as she comes to a session.
Rozafeen: Or anything.
Don: Or, yeah, anything.
Vafrus: Alright, next time...
Tanam: That reminds me who all has night vision?
Vafrus: Sounds like nobody.
This is gonna be great.
Rozafeen: I might, it just takes me a second to check.
Don: d- does Tagak have, have night vision?
Vafrus: I do have the light spell, so I can help those of us who are
visually, darkness challenged.
Harmony: Would my followers have it?
Tanam: I mean, maybe, uh, one of them, but
- Rozafeen: I have dark vision.
Don: Well, one of us is really prepared.
Vafrus: I mean, I wasn't gonna see anything either way, so...
Rozafeen: it looks like I didn't bother to take anything that makes light cuz
I was like, "screw it. I can see."
Don: I got a torch, which I think will do just nicely.
Vafrus: Yeah, I can, I can cause a thing to glow so we, we can have some light.
That's fine.
Tanam: I'd like you to figure out what it is that you are causing to glow?
Vafrus: Georg's armor.
That'd be funny.
Don: Yes.
Make it glow.
Show everyone how beautiful my armor is.
Vafrus: Deal.
It only has to be not larger than 10 feet in any dimension.
Does your armor have any larger than 10 feet dimensions?
Don: No.
We'll, we'll just go with no.
Rozafeen: Not yet.
Vafrus: Then I shall, I shall cast light on Georg's armor.
He is now a beacon of hope and inspiration and so forth.
Don: I always wanted to be a paladin.
Harmony: Georg, can you make us some coffee?
Before we go.
Don: Oh, yes, absolutely.
Uh, and I, you know, take out the, the coffee, uh, you know,
presses and, and, uh, pistons and make some, uh, impromptu espresso.
I, I take some, you know, some, some beans out of my bag and, and
just, you know, press 'em down.
Vafrus: Late night coffee run.
Harmony: You know, your coffee tastes better at night.
Don: Maybe it's cuz I can't see what I'm doing or that, uh, Ruffort
there got some grease in the coffee.
I always find it tastes better when there's grease in it.
Vafrus: Ruffort's like about to ask for some coffee and then thinks better of it.
It's like, "oh, nevermind."
Don: Oh, you get a cup, don't you worry.
Vafrus: In that case, I'm like in the middle of drinking it while he says that.
Don: Oh, there's probably no grease in there.
Don't worry.
Tanam: Georg's Coffee, colon, probably there's no grease in there.
Don: uh, that's a good slogan.
I shoulda used that back at the shop.
Tanam: So, you meet up with Tagak, you guys probably arranged to meet a
little bit south of the guard barracks.
Tagak is there, has a torch in one hand and a, uh, walking stick sort of thing
in the other, and says, "oh, okay.
Uh, yeah.
Thanks everyone for, uh, for coming.
Uh, our, uh, are you ready to go?
All rested up?"
Rozafeen: Woo.
Harmony: Feeling good.
Vafrus: Let's go see this tower.
Tanam: "Okay."
Vafrus: I am very excited to prove to everyone the towers really exists.
It's fine.
Oh, does anyone wanna make any bets before we go?
Harmony: I was right about to ask if he wanted to make a bet.
Vafrus: I am very certain that the tower exists.
Do you think the tower doesn't exist?
Harmony: I think it doesn't exist.
Vafrus: Okay.
How- how about, how about a hundred gold that it exists
versus a hundred that it doesn't?
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: Yeah.
I feel great about this.
Harmony: me too.
Tanam: Tagak looks at Urekas and looks a little miffed, "What,
you don't think the tower exists?"
Don: Look, it's not that we don't think that it exists so much as Urekas
has a bad gambling habit, and also that, a lot of people, well, okay.
At least one person assured us that this tower pretty much didn't
exist and that, uh, you were crazy.
Harmony: Also, every time I have some of Georg's coffee,
um, just my decisions are poor.
Don: I'm not the one that adds whiskey to my coffee.
Rozafeen: I'm starting to think someone needs to check with us before talking.
Don: Oh wait, uh, sorry guys.
Um, nothing, uh...
Harmony: Uh, sorry.
I... yes, you're right.
I have a gambling problem.
I, I need to work on it.
Vafrus: Look, look.
Doesn't matter what people think.
As long as you're right and I get my money.
Off we go.
Harmony: Hmm.
Rozafeen: I mutter, "Good luck with that."
Harmony: It's okay.
I'm rich with friendship.
Go ahead.
Vafrus: What could go wrong?
Tanam: Tagak is blinking "oh, okay. Yeah, I guess some people probably,
uh, don't take it super seriously, but, um. Anyhow, uh, shall we get started?"
Don: Yeah, absolutely.
I, I think we should definitely get started and that this is,
I mean, we, we take it super seriously, most of us anyway.
Harmony: No, I take it seriously.
This is just part of my strategy.
You'll, you'll see in the end.
Don: She's really good at strategies.
It's true.
I say, probably digging myself deeper and not getting out of any holes
that may or may not have been dug.
Tanam: Okay.
So she holds up the torch and starts walking out into the desert.
Can you tell me what the arrangement of the group looks like as
you head out into the desert?
Don: Well, I'm gonna try to be in front cuz I feel like I am.
(A) very well lit, and (B) probably the thing that should protect
everyone because I'm pretty much just a solid wall of metal.
At least, I believe myself to be a solid wall of metal that is largely unhittable.
Or unbreakable, at least; very hittable, honestly.
Tanam: So do you try to walk in front of-
Don: not of Tagak.
She, I don't mind that someone wants to lead the way.
Tanam: I see.
Okay.
Don: take the position immediately behind her.
Tanam: I mean, it's, it's not a thin road.
You can walk next to her if you want to.
Don: no, definitely don't want to appear, uh, social.
Vafrus: I will appear social.
I will hang out with Tagak and talk about completely irrelevant things
the whole way, like really loud in case anyone wants to find us.
Yeah, that's my plan.
Tanam: Okay, so we've got Ruffort and Tagak in the front.
uh, Rufort, what did you cause to be lit? Oh, the armor, huh?
Vafrus: Yeah.
So Georg, Georg has to be the most in front.
Cuz we can't see anything if he's not up there.
Tanam: No, no, she's- Tagak's got a torch.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: But there is a weird, bright glow coming from behind you guys
shadows are cast out in front of you.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I probably see less well as a result of this.
Vafrus: The best way to see at night is to shine the torch directly into your eye.
Tanam: And where are, uh, Helena, Urekas, and Justice?
Rozafeen: I guess we're gonna be behind the bright metal?
Tanam: And, are your followers coming along Urekas, or did
you have them stay at home?
Harmony: Uh, I would say seven of them are coming along.
Rozafeen: Woohoo!
Desert party!
Vafrus: The chosen seven.
Harmony: Oh.
And they're, um, seven feet behind us.
Tanam: Seven people, seven feet behind you.
Vafrus: Yep.
It's their job to measure it the whole time.
Always.
They have to like carefully-
Tanam: I'm sure it's totally fine to have, uh, seven non fighting
folks following you through the desert at a distance of seven feet.
It's, it's fine.
Harmony: Okay, good.
Don: It does seem very dangerous, like these followers have
got a lot of faith in her.
Tanam: You are heading out, for what is promised to be about a
two hour walk through the desert.
You walk along for a while.
uh, there's, it's, it's not just sand dunes.
It's rockier, hard packed.
you're not, trying to scale up sand dunes.
Vafrus: It's good.
Sand dunes are hard to walk through.
Tanam: It would probably be longer than two hours at that point.
But, uh, there's the occasional larger rock formations and stuff like that.
And sometimes you're passing, you know, near enough to them that
Ruford's loud rambling bounces off of them, but otherwise it's
mostly uneventful, for, you're guessing, like the first hour or so.
Vafrus: Okay.
Yeah.
And, and, and ramble, I do.
So I'm thinking like I sometimes sort of forget that nobody else can like
talk to my Dark Lord and just sort of
start having conversations.
Like, uh,
Don: and and what are these conversations?
Vafrus: yeah, yeah.
Hold on.
Uh, "Do you think, do you think Georg could, should be like a
lieutenant in the dark army or,
or is he more like a kind of an underling, you know, that we send to
the front lines, kind of a minion?
Because on the one hand he's like pretty good at making shit, but imagine
sending like Georg minions, and they can explode like coffee bombs on our
enemies, like that'd be pretty good.
Don: Georg is in front of you, but, um, you know, you don't
notice that he's snuck behind you.
And, and it's like kind of peeping up over your shoulder
talking into one of your ears.
You deinitely don't notice this.
Vafrus: Oh look, I rolled a perception of negative seven, like I do.
Don: That's good, because Georg got a stealth of negative six, so.
Vafrus: Perfect.
Don: Anyway, Georg's up over your shoulder, awkwardly perching,
uh, on his armory tippy toes.
And he whispers into your ear, "yes, make Georg not a
lieutenant, but your general. Yes."
Harmony: and Urekas peaks over your other shoulder, and she's like, "no,
he needs to explode multiple times."
Don: But he'd explode so much better if he was a general, and in the back, so
he could direct all of the explosions.
Harmony: No, his explosions will be so beautiful.
They should be at the front.
Vafrus: I'm like frantically trying to find something to write down on to
take notes from all the wisdom that my Dark Lord is giving me in two different
voices and also disagreeing with himself?
Don: Georg reaches into his bag, and, like, puts a piece
of paper into your hand.
Vafrus: Okay.
I started like taking notes.
I'm like, "Oh, this is good. My, my dark Lord usually
doesn't talk this much to me."
Tanam: so this is the entire hour?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
So after, after I've decided that Georg needs to apparently be an
exploding general in the front, uh,
go on to regale everybody with my thrilling stories of uh, uh, won a cha
chariot race I, the time I won a chariot race in the Tower Kingdom, I was great.
I was so fast.
So many chariots, hundreds of chariots stacked on top of each other.
It was awesome.
Don: I mean, that's where the term "a chariot on top comes from,"
is those stacked chariot races.
It was always the top one that was, you know, the most precarious.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
The top one gets all the credit.
The bottom one seems like it's doing all the work, but you know,
top one's the best one, obviously.
Tanam: Hold on, wait though.
Chariot stacking aside, Tower Kingdom?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah.
Where I'm from now,
Tanam: Wait.
Vafrus: or the, the, the, the, the Tower Empire.
Sorry, sorry.
The, the, yeah.
Yeah.
Tanam: Are you talking about the Tower Empire as if you're from there?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, not from from there, but like, I've been there, you know, a lot.
Like, I spent a long time, especially during my chariot times.
Harmony: Yeah, emotionally from there.
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah, sure.
But I'll roll, yes, what, again?
Tanam: Um, let's do deception.
Vafrus: Then this is a mere 27.
Tanam: Layers upon layers and layers of deception.
Don: I have no idea what the DC for that check was, but I
think you might have passed.
Harmony: I didn't hear.
I was practicing kissing my hand.
Tanam: uh, as in preparation for your date tomorrow?
Harmony: Uhhuh.
Tanam: Okay.
what does Hellena think?
Rozafeen: I'm definitely not listening to Ruffort if that's what's going on.
I'm doing the thing where I'm pretending that I'm not looking,
but I'm totally looking.
Tanam: Looking at Urekas, making out with her hand?
Rozafeen: Mm-hmm.
I whisper something to Justice and I, I don't think that I have the power to
give her like precise commands other than like, suggestions or whatever.
But after I lean over and whisper to Justice, she heads
on over and she licks Urekas.
Tanam: excellent.
Harmony: I just kinda jump a little bit and squeal.
Vafrus: I wish my Perception was higher to have noticed any of that.
Rozafeen: Well, we're also behind a loud shining barrier basically.
Vafrus: Yeah, there's, there's no way.
There's just no way.
It's-
Don: Speaking of the loud shining barriers, paying really close attention
to this story, like I am just, I'm kind of enthralled by it, not trying to
figure out if you're telling the truth.
I'm just like, "Oh wow.
A chariot race.
That's amazing.
I always wanted to... chariot."
Vafrus: Does Tagak seem interested?
Tanam: uh, I would say like, not disinterested.
Not enthralled.
Vafrus: So I don't actually know anything about chariot racing, so I just make
up a bunch of vocabulary to seem like I, I know what I'm talking about.
Tanam: And that 27 says that you do a really good job of it.
Not only are you totally from the Tower Empire, you are from the Tower Empire
where you were an expert charioteer dealing with vocabulary and, and skills
that no one even has an idea exists.
Don: Okay, look out of character here.
I really want there to be a chariot race later and for us to all really
expect Ruffort to be just the best.
Harmony: And we all place bets on him.
Vafrus: yes,
Don: Like all our money goes on that guy.
It's gonna be sad to lose all our money, but it's worth it.
Vafrus: I have.
I have no opposition to this plan.
This sounds great.
Harmony: I'm just gonna lose Ruffort's money after, you know, I win it.
Um, with the bet we just made.
Tanam: So, you're all heading along laughing some, uh, getting
licked by yourself and others, generally having a good time of it.
All of a sudden, Justice stops and looks to your right, and
makes a growling noise.
Harmony: Am I that bad at kissing myself?
Rozafeen: Okay.
Is this the time where the rest of us roll Perception?
Vafrus: "So the secret to side grinding is you gotta do the front
flip before the fire sobs..." no.
Tanam: Helena, you notice Justice do that.
She was mid lick on Urekas, and so Urekas here's a cheetah, like licking you.
It's really funny, and then all of a sudden she stops,
turns away from you and growls.
You look over the dunes and you do not see anything.
There is five to 10 feet high jagged rocks that are in that general direction that
looks like where Justice is looking; the rocks are about 20 feet away, you'd guess.
Rozafeen: I think I'm gonna use my cantrip to have a chameleon slap Ruffort.
Vafrus: I got a swatted.
Rozafeen: He didn't actually do anything wrong, but desperate times.
Vafrus: I'm deep in my story and something swats me, and we're
in a kind of a creepy place.
I'm gonna roll a die, and I'm just gonna say, if I get
above 10, I react reasonably.
And if I get below 10, then I freak out.
Okay.
So I fire an Eldritch Blast just into the sky.
Don: Honestly, I don't know if this was above or below 10.
Tanam: So, so what were you... what does this scene look like?
Vafrus: So I'm like in the middle of talking about bearings or whatever, and
then I'm just like, "Ohgawh!" and I start just shooting randomly toward the heavens.
These bolts of energy just-
Rozafeen: if he screamed and fired an alert signal, I'm gonna say, "well, I
guess I should have just yelled then.
Look over there."
Don: At this point, I believe I noticed something.
Vafrus: I am, I am certain we are in combat.
I think, I think we're, we're fighting now.
Like I, tell me when my next round is cuz I, I, as far as in
my mind, I've rolled initiative.
Don: That sky better watch out!
Vafrus: Yeah!
Tanam: What sound does it make?
is it like a "whomee"?
It's force damage, right?
Vafrus: It crackles.
Tanam: So that, that crackle definitely echos off into the
distance, and then it's silent.
All of the little desert sounds that were there before, just stop.
It seems like the world has figured out that's something's about to go down.
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: Out of the rocks jump five large shapes.
There's enough light around that you can see that they are lizards and, they look
extremely displeased to see you here.
Now you can roll initiative.
Roll initiative.
Rozafeen: That was so long.
Don: Wow, I think I died of thirst 15 minutes ago.
Tanam: It's not that long.
Vafrus: I thought it was pretty good.
Rozafeen: I am a year older.
Vafrus: Are you gonna do that every time though?
Wait, is that the same, how many of those do you have?
Tanam: I choose not to answer that question at this time.
Harmony: Oh-
Rozafeen: Please tell me you didn't buy a separate rock.
Don: I think he bought a separate rock.
Vafrus: Was there like a ten pack of thousand year old rocks?
Don: He bought someone's thousand year old rock collection.
Tanam: "Pack" makes it sound like there was some sort of discount involved.
So-
Rozafeen: Oh my dude.
Harmony: is this one also certified, guaranteed?
Tanam: yes.
Don: certified guaranteed by who?
Vafrus: It's really good though, it's really good, Tanam.
Tanam: Thank you.
Rozafeen: Love the music.
Tanam: Thank you.
Don: If we didn't die before it was over.
Harmony: Yeah, I feel like something really important is about to happen.
Tanam: Exactly.
This is a very tough fight that you guys are in for.
Rozafeen: Something more important than my aging and death?
Don: This had better be one hell of a boss fight.
Tanam: Okay, roll initiative.
Don: Uh, okay.
Harmony: Let me give you inspiration first.
Vafrus: Oh, I, think, I think I have one already from earlier.
Harmony: right.
Don: I mean, it only lasts 10 minutes,
Tanam: Yeah.
And it's been an hour.
Don: But there was a short rest, so all the slots back and everything,
Tanam: Everybody tell me what your initiative is.
Don: 13.
Tanam: Hellena and Justice and Ruffort and Urekas.
Vafrus: Uh, Ruffort is a six.
Harmony: I got 16.
Do I add anything to it?
Tanam: Dex modifier.
Harmony: Okay.
So 18.
Don: really never good when the Bard's the one paying attention.
Rozafeen: Justice got a two.
Don: Oh boy.
Rozafeen: Which is surprising given that she sensed them first.
Tanam: Even with Dex modifier?
Rozafeen: She got a two.
I wish that it were higher.
Although I don't know her going last and watching what we do first isn't crazy.
Vafrus: I'm not slow.
I'm three times faster than the cheetah?
Tanam: Order is Urekas first.
So there are five lizards, charging at you, to presumably bite you.
Harmony: Um, looking... enthralling performance?
Tanam: I do not think it will work on-
Don: She might be an expert lizard charmer.
Tanam: They have to listen to you for a minute.
I don't think they're going to.
Harmony: Um, well in that case, I'll attack.
Tanam: Is this the first time you've attacked?
Harmony: yes.
With my rapier!
Tanam: You're just going to stab one of them?
Harmony: Yeah!
Vafrus: What kind of distance are we talking about here?
Tanam: so the rocks were like 20 feet away.
Harmony: Excellent.
I rolled 15.
Tanam: so, 20 total.
Yep.
That hits.
Go ahead and roll damage.
Looks like 1d8.
Harmony: Oh, okay, good.
Cause I just rolled another d20 and I got a one.
But if I roll a d 8... Oh!
7! Take that.
Tanam: Okay.
You stab a lizard good.
Next in the order is Georg.
Don: I do wanna remind Urekas that bardic inspiration is a bonus action.
Harmony: Okay.
You know, Georg, you made me coffee.
Tanam: Okay.
So Georg has inspiration.
Don: Oh hell yes.
That's exactly what I wanted.
Tanam: Bardic inspiration at this point is, is 1d6 or is it 1d8?
Harmony: 1d8.
Don: So, uh, how far away for, like, how, close am I?
Because I was up ahead of everybody and now, and I was
at least seven feet further.
Tanam: Yeah, well, they're coming from the side, you turn and face them
and they're coming from that way.
So you're in a line, now.
Side by side instead of front and back.
Don: Alright, so I'll, I'll definitely run up there, and try to get how, how,
well, let's, let's say I were to have something that, uh, was a stream of acid
that was five feet wide and 30 foot long.
Uh, not to be extremely specific or anything, but how many of
them could I get in there?
Tanam: I'll say you can get two.
Don: Perfect.
Uh, what I'm gonna do, and I am going to cast that as a- I mean a
look, I'm not gonna cast it exactly.
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take a- I open up a little compartment in, in the
chest of my armor, and I take out what looks a bit like a grenade, and then, uh,
I twist a little dial on the top from a one to a two, possibly indicating that
I'm casting it as a second level spell.
Uh, as you might say, upping the payload of this grenade.
Uh, that oddly goes out in a line.
We'll have to work on that.
And I, I shatter it on, uh, on the ground in front of me.
And it, you know, a, a wave of acid comes out from it.
Tanam: and hits these two lizards, do they get a Dex saving throw?
Don: It is not, uh, oh, no, sorry.
It is a Dexterity saving throw.
Sorry.
They get a Dex saving throw,
Tanam: Uh, versus?
Don: Versus, uh, 15.
Tanam: 15.
Ooh, that one was close, but did not make it.
Okay.
So one misses, one hits.
Don: Excellent.
Tanam: what are the damages?
Don: So, uh, it's covered in acid.
Uh, it has to use its action to scrape or wash the acid off, uh,
of itself or another creature.
And it takes 2d4 acid damage at the start of each of its turns.
Tanam: Okay.
Does it take any now?
Don: it looks like, no, this is not as good of a, these grenades
kinda suck, is what I'm saying.
And then what I'm gonna do is use my bonus action to attack- oh, that was
nice- the one that is in front of me with my gauntlets, and that's a 20 to hit.
Tanam: That hits.
So are you going for the one that didn't get hit with the acid?
Don: Oh, I, I have to hit the one that's close to me.
So if it's not, if that's the one that saved, then yes,
Tanam: heheheheheh.
Don: if they're both close to me, then I'll go for the one that didn't get hit.
Tanam: Yeah.
You ran up close enough that you blasted them with acid and
now you're punching one of them.
Don: Uh, I'm gonna go ahead and, and punch the one in that case
that did not get covered in acid.
And it's, uh, seven damage.
Tanam: And what, what does that look like?
Can you, uh-
Don: I, I sort of, uh, you see like a, a, a little like, arc of
electricity, go up on a few prongs on the gauntlet as I punch this lizard.
uh, you see more arcs of electricity, just like a little jolt go through the lizard,
uh, as I hit it with the gauntlet.
Tanam: you punch it in its nearest spot, which is its face and, it goes back a
bit and is like, I won't say that it comically, you know, gets, burnt and has
smoke coming off of it or anything like that, but it looks briefly confused.
Don: so it's not dead?
Tanam: No, it's not dead.
Don: In that case, it has disadvantage on attack rolls against everyone but me.
Because it's real mad at me, I think?
That must be how this works.
Tanam: Um, next up in the order is Hellena.
Rozafeen: so who is looking the worst?
Tanam: Among the lizards?
Rozafeen: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: The one that Urekas stabbed and the one that Georg just
punched in the face... they both look, you know, slightly injured.
And one of them is covered in acid.
There are two more lizards that have not been interacted with.
Rozafeen: Urekas and I started close together.
I think that I will thorn whip the one that she started
and I rolled a 23 to attack.
Tanam: that hits.
Rozafeen: I do not wanna get up close and dagger length away from it.
I wanna keep my distance.
So, I'm gonna stay- my my range is 30 feet- and I am gonna choose
not to pull it closer to me.
And I ruled eight points of damage.
Tanam: Okay.
It is not looking happy.
Do you, have any bonus actions you wanna do?
Rozafeen: I think that unfortunately, that's my whole deal.
I don't have like a shield to raise or anything like that.
Tanam: Up next is Ruffort.
Vafrus: fired into the air and then spent the first part of actual battle looking
around for the, the tiny lizard that hit me, I have finally, like, realized
that there's a proper battle going on.
how many, how many do I see?
Gorg, gorg is engaged with some, right?
And he's, he's glowing like a torch.
So what, what can I see from where I'm standing?
Tanam: You were walking in front.
Yeah.
So, closest to you are two lizards that Georg is interacting with, uh,
having just punched one of them.
The other one is dripping with acid.
On the far end is the one that Urekas stabbed.
And then in between them are two more lizards.
Vafrus: So there's, I, I am aware of a total of four lizards?
Tanam: Uh, five.
Vafrus: Five.
Okay.
and, how close is all of this to me?
Tanam: I'd say no more than 20 feet away.
Vafrus: This seems, just too terribly close.
We just got ambushed.
One of 'em got me in the back of the neck.
Unacceptable.
I'm gonna cast Armor of Anxeet, and then-
Tanam: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Hold, hold on.
Hold on.
Uh, Armor of Anxeet?
Vafrus: Yeah?
Tanam: Really?
That's, that's kind of ahistorical, don't you think, like that doesn't-
Anxeet doesn't show up for 30 years after the game is taking place.
You know, "violence comes to those who do-"
Vafrus: no, no, no, no.
Tanam: "Violence comes to those who do violence." You know, Anxeet.
Vafrus: I've, I, I, I, I dunno what "violence comes to violence" means.
No, no.
Anxeet, High Priest Anxeet, was the founder of the
Sorcerers of the Tower Kingdom.
Remember?
Like the, he's he's, he's the guy-
Tanam: tower tower King... Tower Kingdom?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
Before was the Tower Empire.
The Tower Kingdom, right?
Like the smaller one.
Tanam: What?
There's no Tower!
Vafrus: It was still- there was gonna be a tower.
It's that everyone knows what we talk, everybody understands what I
mean when I say the Tower Kingdom.
Right, everyone?
Tanam: Umnaumnaaaahh.
Okay, leave that aside.
But Anxeet, like the Anxeet that you're talking about is Anxeet the Elder.
Vafrus: and well, yeah.
Uh, I, he's, he's the Anxeet.. He's like the famous guy who founded like a
thousand different fields of sorcery.
Which Anxeet do you mean?
Tanam: I, okay.
You're talking about Anxeet the Elder, and I'm talking about Anxeet the Younger,
who protected his village famously with the armor that does cold damage.
Like.
This is the, the, like, the, the whole story.
He was pr- like the tower ca the tower, the, now you've got me saying it.
The Tower Empire was trying to push further south into what was, you know,
disputed to, you know, possibly be part of the Bridgelands, and Anxeet,
no relation, protected his village with famously with his armor like, and that
was like the whole moral of the story was "violence comes to those who do violence."
like it's like that blow back thing.
Vafrus: So, so you're saying that the famous Anxeet who founded a hundred
fields of sorcery is irrelevant to this kind of sorcery I'm trying to do.
That the real guy is some nobody who's nobody's ever heard of who was in some
random town, but happened to have the same name and also invented magic, but later?
That's that's the point you're making.
Tanam: I wouldn't put it any of like that, but basically, I guess, yes?
Okay, fine.
Vafrus: So.
I cast Armor of Anxeet.
The Elder.
Okay?
Tanam: Hey.
No, not Well, no.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess, yeah, I guess it's gonna have to be that way because
otherwise ha- hasn't been invented yet.
Okay, go ahead.
Vafrus: Armor of Anxeet , and then as a bonus action, I will, has
anybody actually been hurt yet?
Tanam: Uh, the lizards have not attacked yet.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Okay.
They're... what losers.
Harmony: I mean, my feelings are hurt that we were attacked.
Vafrus: Sorry.
I mean, you've gone, you, you, took a hit.
Tanam: No.
No.
She's saying that she was, her, her feelings are hurt.
She's not been damaged, but she has been emotionally damaged.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Vafrus: all right, well, I don't have any spells for that, so I will,
I, I guess I'll, I'll move away.
I'll, I'll, take a few steps back away from, uh, the, the creatures;
try to put, uh, all of the followers in between me and them, if possible.
Harmony: What?
Tanam: Oh no, they're on the far other end of the line.
Vafrus: Okay.
Well then just whatever, whatever distance I can manage, I'm gonna
try to back away from the lizards.
Tanam: okay.
So you're gonna run 30 feet in the opposite direction out into the desert?
Vafrus: Sure.
Yeah, that seems good.
Harmony: My followers are booing you.
Tanam: Up first is the lizard by Urekas, who is going to bite Urekas.
11. What is your armor class?
Harmony: 14.
Tanam: Okay.
So 11 does not hit.
It bites at you, but does not connect.
Harmony: Roll my eyes.
Okay.
Tanam: Another one is going to run over and also bite at you.
So 12 does not hit, correct?
Yeah.
Yours is 14?
Harmony: Mmm-hmm.
Tanam: A third lizard is going to run over and attack Georg.
I'm assuming that 10 does not hit you, Georg?
Don: No.
Tanam: It ties to bite your armor and it hits metal and,
that doesn't go so well for it.
So then these two lizards that you put acid on, or tried to put acid
on, are also going to attack you.
The one who you punched?
18. Oh no, sorry.
20 does 20 hit?
Don: No, no, it does not.
Armor class is 21.
Tanam: Nice.
Don: The, the one that's all acidy needs to take 4d4 acid damage.
Tanam: wait, is 2d4 or 4d4?
Don: 2d4 for each spell level, and I cast it at level two.
Tanam: okay.
When does it take that?
Don: at the beginning of its turn.
Tanam: The one covered in acid is still covered in acid.
And looks like that has really done a number on it.
it is still alive, but it does not look happy.
does that acid stay-
Don: it does!
Until it uses its action, or another one uses its action to wipe the acid off.
Tanam: I think it is going to use its action to roll around on
the ground instead of attacking you to get that acid off of it.
Okay.
Justice is up.
Rozafeen: There is at least one lizard that is 20 feet
away from Justice, correct?
Tanam: I, I think that they, they have all started sort of moving around, but,
I think if Justice backs up, then yes.
Rozafeen: is there one that is about 20 feet away and standing
up but looking kind of bad?
Tanam: yes.
There's the one that Urekas stabbed.
Rozafeen: Great.
So she's gonna pounce that one and it needs to make a DC 12 strength
check or else it is knocked prone.
Tanam: wow.
Just barely misses.
I guess, uh, Justice is on top of it?
Rozafeen: Yes.
And she gets to bite as a bonus action.
So that's a good time.
that is in 22 to hit.
I assume that that succeeds in biting the thing right below
her, uh, for seven damage.
Tanam: It is dead.
Rozafeen: Woo-hoo.
Harmony: Yay!
Tanam: Um, so she just, chomps on it.
Rozafeen: Good kitty.
Tanam: We are back to the top of the order.
Harmony: Cool.
Tanam: So the one that you stabbed, Justice jumped out of nowhere and
landed on it and ripped it up.
Harmony: Yeah.
It, it looks dead, right?
Tanam: it, it looks very dead.
Harmony: Okay, there's the one that Georg got, right?
Tanam: So there is one that tried to attack you and is right next to you.
Harmony: Oh yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll get that one.
My little lucky rapier.
Yes.
Tanam: gonna stab again?
Harmony: Yeah!
So I roll 17... 22.
Tanam: Yes.
That hits.
Harmony: Hell yeah.
Tanam: What's the damage?
Harmony: Three.
Tanam: Okay.
You give it a stab, it connects, it looks more like it pissed
it off than anything else.
Harmony: Hmm.
And then I wanna give the mantle of inspiration to my team.
Tanam: What is the deal on that one?
Harmony: I can grant eight temporary hitpoints, ummm to up
to four creatures I can see, and that can see me within 60 feet.
So Hellena, Georg, Justice, and Ruffort.
Vafrus: Oh, thank you.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Says each creature can immediately use its reaction to move up to its speed
without provoking opportunity attacks.
Tanam: oh, does anybody want to move?
Don: What's the layout here?
Uh, we've got two near me; now one near Urekas.
And Hellena... one.
Tanam: Hellena's back away.
She, uh, moved to the side more than charging.
Don: Oh, sorry, not Hellena.
Uh, Justice?
Tanam: Justice is on top of a dead one.
Don: very near.
Tanam: yeah.
and then there are three that are by you.
Don: Oh, there are three by me, not two.
No, I don't wanna move.
It's exactly where I want them.
Rozafeen: I think that kitty wants to maybe scoot backward a little bit.
Well, she's not gonna provoke an attack of opportunity anyway, right?
Cause it's dead.
Tanam: She is close enough to the one by Urekas that I think she would.
Rozafeen: Well, she, she would wanna scoot back so that she's
positioned to pounce on the next one.
Tanam: sounds good.
Vafrus: So my plan is to hit things with Eldritch Blast next turn.
So I'll try to, if I can move to get a better vantage for
that, then that's what I'll do.
Tanam: Okay.
And Hellena, are you gonna move at all?
Rozafeen: I'm 30 feet away from the closest one, right?
As long as, as long as I'm within range, but not within stabby range, I'm happy.
Tanam: Then we are onto Georg.
Don: So, there's two of 'em.
They both look pretty injured, right?
Tanam: There's three.
Two of them that you have engaged before look pretty injured.
One of them is not hit at all.
Don: Got it.
How, how close am I to, everyone else?
Like Urekas and Ruffort.
Tanam: So Ruffort is way off, has run off into the desert.
uh, Tagak has, uh, mostly just stayed where she is, yelling encouraging words.
Urekas is en engaged with, uh, one dead lizard and one not so dead lizard.
And is like, six feet away.
Don: okay.
That close.
well what I'm gonna do then, uh, I'm gonna, whatever one looks most injured
among those two, uh, I'm gonna take a nice big old swing at it and that
definitely hits cuz it's over 20.
Tanam: Yeah.
Don: And that is, where did my d8 go?
Tanam: this is
Don: Electric punching.
so that is seven.
And then, If it didn't already, uh, it has disadvantage on attack
rolls against anything but me till the start of my next turn.
Tanam: Uh, well, it has disadvantage on all attack rolls forever.
Don: Sweet.
That's my favorite kind of disadvantage.
Tanam: it is now chronically disadvantaged.
Don: I turn to its friend and try to make it exactly as disadvantaged.
Tanam: do you get a, a bonus attack or is this-
Don: it's a bonus action, because the, I have one, fist
and I give him the old one, two.
Tanam: ah, I see.
So you give them the old two.
Don: Yeah.
This lizard gets number two, uh, 19.
Tanam: Yeah, that hits.
Don: It does 1d8 and that, wait, It's two.
Tanam: We're back to Helena.
Rozafeen: The one that Urekas was interacting with is still
upright and not dead, correct?
Tanam: Yes, there were two.
One is dead, the other one is not.
Rozafeen: Okay, great.
I thorn whip it.
Ooh, my roll was not as good.
My attacks only is 16.
Does that hit?
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: Also, my damage rolls were sad.
That's a, that's three.
But hey, every little bit helps.
Tanam: Yep.
Onto Ruffort.
Vafrus: Okay.
Uh, are any of my friends injured?
Tanam: Not yet.
Vafrus: Well, this is great.
What did I need that armor for?
All right, uh, two Eldritch blasts uh, starting with whichever
one looks the most dying.
Tanam: Okay.
There are three left.
One of them has not been hit yet, and two of them have.
Vafrus: uh, the left-most of the two that have been hit, I'll go for it first.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: that is a, uh, 18 to hit.
Tanam: Yep.
Vafrus: oh, yeah, I do a lot of damage.
This is great.
Uh, so that's 12 damage.
Tanam: Yeah, it's dead.
Vafrus: All right.
And then of the, of the injured ones, I will hit the, I will attack the other with
an Eldritch Blast; that's a 22 to hit.
Tanam: Yep.
Vafrus: uh, and nine damage.
Tanam: It is not dead.
it looks almost, almost dead though.
it is not likin' that crackling energy.
Vafrus: Cool.
Glad the crackling energy is like, helpful for a second.
and, and there's, there's no like, surprise ones jumping out from each other.
I'm very concerned now that I'm out in the desert, I'm like, "oh,
no, I'm alone," but, all right.
Tanam: Urekas, the, uh, one that you stabbed with your rapier, was
getting ready to bite you and, gets blasted by this crackling beam of
energy and is looking very, extremely unhappy, but looks off to try to see
where that came from and decides that it's too far and, you've stabbed it,
so it's gonna go after you again.
Harmony: okay.
I make eye contact with it while it's trying to stab me.
Tanam: Uh, 19.
Does that hit your armor class?
Harmony: I'm 14.
Tanam: Yep, that definitely hits.
It bites you.
Harmony: where?
Tanam: uh, let's see.
I would say on your off arm?
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: you don't have your rapier in.
Harmony: Yeah, the one I wasn't kissing.
Okay.
Tanam: And it does eight damage.
So it takes a chunk out of your, your arm there.
Harmony: Oh.
I hate this.
Tanam: and then, so there were two lizards by you Georg.
The one with disadvantage, just got toasted.
but there is one more and it's going to bite at you and it's
going to miss, not even connect.
It's just like
biting the air.
You're not even sure that it's attacking.
Don: Yeah, I, I'd be pretty surprised cuz it, I am basically
the brick wall that you can't miss.
Tanam: It is Justice's turn.
Rozafeen: Okay, who's 20 feet away and needing some pouncing?
Tanam: So there are two of them left.
One by Urekas looks almost dead.
The one by Georg is incompetent at biting, but, looks as
healthy as when it got started.
Rozafeen: Justice is gonna go for almost dead guy.
That's where she shines and she's gonna pounce, and that's a DC 12 Strength check.
Vafrus: It's real bad to lose hitpoints around our party.
We, we are really good at just focus firing on anybody
who looks slightly injured.
Tanam: That is going to be a failure.
Justice jumps onto this almost dead lizard.
Rozafeen: So, the bite is rolled super high for the attack, I assume she
doesn't miss and it's seven damage.
Tanam: That is another ripped apart lizard.
Rozafeen: And this time Justice gets a little distracted and
starts eating the lizard.
It's kind of gross, just putting it out there.
Vafrus: I mean, listen, everybody plays the game different.
Everybody has their own way of having fun.
Tanam: Urekas, the lizard that bit you, uh, has, is now getting eaten by Justice.
Harmony: Nice.
Good kitty.
Tanam: Back in the order to Urekas.
Harmony: Alright, so the layout right now, there's two of
them are still alive, right?
Tanam: Uh, there is one.
Harmony: There's one?
Oh, okay.
I stab it!
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: I roll.
17.
Tanam: You hit.
Harmony: Oh, and then I give more bardic inspiration to Hellena.
Tanam: okay.
So how much damage did you do to it?
Harmony: uh, just now I did, uh, 17.
Tanam: damage.
Harmony: Oh, that's the 1d8.
Right.
Um,
Rozafeen: It was a really good roll, okay?
Harmony: Yeah.
Um, okay.
Six plus two eight.
I'm just imagining it's Beebs.
Tanam: You, uh, give a good stab to it.
It looks like it was going to attack again, and then gets stabbed by
Urekas and looks around, sees one of its friends getting eaten by Justice
and just starts to try to run away.
Georg and Urekas, you are within attack of opportunity range.
Uh, do you want to let it go?
Rozafeen: Does anyone wanna talk to it?
Don: I mean, if you start talking to it, I might not attack it?
Rozafeen: I don't know if I'm allowed to yell at its backside since it's
not my turn, but I do wonder if we should be like, "Hey, got any friends?
Are you just angry about the Eldritch Blast?
Were you trying to take our shit?
Like, what's your deal?"
Tanam: Um, does anybody have speak with animals?
Harmony: Oh, I do, yeah.
All those things that Hellena just said, I say.
Tanam: Okay.
So, so Urekas, do you say something to, to have Georg hold?
Harmony: "Hey, Georg! Stay off it!"
Don: I sort of look back as I'm like pulling back my arm and I'm like-
Harmony: Maybe someone put him up to this.
Don: It's a lizard.
Harmony: Yeah.
Don: You know what?
Do it.
Go ahead.
If it eats you later, it's not my fault.
Harmony: Oh.
Okay.
Um, I, I'm just gonna, I just roll my eyes, and I talk to the
lizard and I go, "Hey, why?"
Tanam: Let's see, ooh, it's pretty dumb.
Lizard yells back at you kind of this "bhwaazaazaa," and you
understand it to mean "scary people.
What do you... go away, leave me alone."
Harmony: Wow.
Okay.
Um, he is very dumb.
I don't say that out loud.
Instead, I just say, "Who put you up to this?"
Tanam: So the lizard has crawled back inside the rocks, but yells
back "go 'way, go 'way, go 'way."
Harmony: Yeah.
I'll go away after you tell me why.
Tanam: So, I think we need to make a decision, as a group here.
Is Urekas speaking in language that you can all understand and it just happens
to be that the beast can understand, or is Urekas growling back at the lizard?
Harmony: I'm just like making tongue noises.
Rozafeen: Hmm, which one is funnier?
Vafrus: presumably without the magic, the lizard doesn't
have a spoken language, right?
Tanam: Yeah-
Vafrus: Which means, if, if Urekas is like grunting and hissing, that means the magic
invented a language and then taught it to her, which seems so much cooler to me.
Tanam: Yeah.
Let's go with that.
Last thing.
What was the last thing you said?
Rozafeen: I thought you said that we'll leave it alone when it tells us why.
Harmony: Oh yes.
Yeah.
And I said that very threateningly.
Tanam: "Just minding own business and, scary blast and, and noises
and, and, and then stabbing and-"
Harmony: Your friends ate my arm.
Tanam: "You tried to eat friend; you are eating friend."
Harmony: But, you attacked us!
Tanam: "Go 'way."
Harmony: No!
I'll go away when you tell us, why did you attack us?
Rozafeen: I'm waiting for Urekas to walk over there and beat it to death.
" Tell smack me smack.
Why smack."
Tanam: okay.
It seems kind of exasperated.
It is just like, "ah, scary. Go, go away... please?"
Harmony: Georg will kill you unless you tell us why you attacked us.
Don: I understand that part?
Tanam: Is it like, "wrarwrarara Georg wraraw"
it starts whining and it's "please go away.
Please go away."
Harmony: you heard me and then like, okay, Georg, in the language
we speak, "you, you may slowly kill it, but go really slow."
Rozafeen: Oh
Don: Wow, that's really messed up even for me.
Rozafeen: yeah, I audibly gasp.
I'm like, wait a minute.
This is taking us outta the realm of goodness.
It retreated.
Don: I'm pretty fine with just killing it.
Harmony: Okay.
I tell lizard, "Did you hear that?
He just said he's fine with killing you.
I will call him off, but you have to tell me now.
Why did you try to kill us?"
Tanam: "Because you came here and tried to kill us..."
Harmony: what?
Tanam: "please go 'way."
Harmony: What makes you think that we tried to kill you?
Tanam: "Look around you."
Vafrus: All the corpses help.
Harmony: But you attacked us first.
We were just minding our own business on a secret mission, and then you attacked us.
Tanam: "Please go away. You smell funny."
Harmony: It's, it's perfume.
Some people like it.
Tanam: "We don't."
Harmony: Y- you Don-
Tanam: "that's why."
Harmony: just me or everybody?
Tanam: "All you"
Harmony: All of us.
Tanam: "please go away."
Harmony: Um, Hey everybody.
No, I got, I just, I translate what I just heard.
We all smell bad.
Rozafeen: That's so sad.
Don: I would've thought we smelled delicious to them.
Vafrus: I'm pretty sure he's like, that's just the best lie he could think of.
He doesn't know why he attacked.
He can't even remember that far.
He-
Harmony: Okay, so I looked at the lizard.
"Did anybody tell you to attack us?"
Tanam: "Well, no."
Harmony: Are, are you sure?
Tanam: "pretty sure"
Harmony: anybody tell you that we smell bad?
Vafrus: that's our new target.
Tanam: "It Is obvious?"
Harmony: It's not obvious.
Rozafeen: I, think that, we should just let it mourn its four friends,
and if it bothers us again, I think it'll be a pretty easy kill.
Harmony: so we, so we shouldn't kill him?
Don: I don't know.
I think that it'll eat the other three if Justice doesn't get to them, and
then it'll be three times the size and then it'll come back and eat us.
Rozafeen: I mean, mourn its friends, digest its friends, eh?
Vafrus: Some cultures process grief differently.
Harmony: Um, I was just gonna say, "We generously will let you live and
we will leave and we will shower."
Tanam: "You go?"
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: "Thank you."
Vafrus: Eldritch Blast!
No, I'm kidding.
Rozafeen: No,
I was just gonna say we need to have a little talk about not randomly
shooting things into the sky.
Hmm?
Vafrus: a good thing I was paying so close attention.
You know, that might have caught us by surprise.
Tanam: Your followers are suitably impressed by your amazing skills.
Tagak has been mostly quiet beyond the cheerleading.
But seems thoughtful and, says, um, "I kind of wonder if these, uh,
these lizards came from the tower."
Don: I kind of wonder why you didn't help us fight them.
Rozafeen: Yeah, we've seen you with a pair of tongs.
Tanam: "Yeah.
yeah.
So I, that was I did, I did manage to take out that one spider, but, um, I,
I'm not the best fighter in the world.
Uh, uh, you know, if I was an amazing fighter like you all are, uh, I
would've, uh, gone and, taken care of the, the sorcerer and myself already.
I, I'm, I'm an, I'm an artist?"
Harmony: Tagak, how do you think we smell?
Vafrus: Oh no.
Tanam: "Honestly, uh, from all the stuff that I work with, it, uh, I, I don't
really have a very good sense of smell."
Rozafeen: I look over at Justice and I say, "Does anyone have prestadigitation?"
Vafrus: Yeah, I can, I can clean up Justice, although I'll like
wait a beat to see if anybody else volunteers first, cuz I really don't
want to like, have to do chores.
Harmony: not doing chores.
Vafrus: But yeah.
I'll, I'll, I'll start casting magic at Justice to-
Tanam: Clean her up.
Don: I could just dump a couple gallons of water and or acid on her.
So
Rozafeen: Please don't.
Don: Or oil.
I can do oil.
Vafrus: The best part is he doesn't know which it's gonna be until it happens.
Don: who knows?
Could be beer.
Vafrus: The Pitcher of Wait and See.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Excellent.
Um, do I roll?
The Intern: Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Where the term "a chariot on top comes from,"
The Intern: Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I'm starting to think someone needs to check with us before talking.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: The real guy is some nobody who's in some random town
but happened to have the same name and also invented magic, but later
The Intern: Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: you don't think the tower exists?
The Intern: And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as The Intern.
I could say something super cringy like, "this thing is so epic."
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Y'all, this thing is so slay.