The Intern: Hi everyone, welcome to Coffee Cults and Empires.
Today I have-- dare I say it-- actual assigned lab duties! I'm here in the lab and I'm not making coffee. I'm drinking coffee. Well, I mean, I also made the coffee, earlier, but now I'm doing something else. The scientists here in the lab have been investigating how some of the people in world 62c seem to have mind reading abilities-- of each other.
Like as far as we know-- I can say we here now-- as far as we know, they can't read our minds out here in the lab, but who knows, maybe they just haven't tried yet. So anyway, my job is going through the data, cataloging it, and like, putting it together into a coherent report.
I can tell you what they've got here is super scattered. Some of it was collected live, and some of it was gathered using the chronoscope, which is a cool device that lets us-- it lets us look into the past of the world and gather data about it. What we've found so far is extremely-- to use a technical term-- frickin cool. The Mindlords of the Mindbreacher Empire really existed.
They couldn't do mind control or anything like that, but they really could read people's minds. Some were better than others, and the top Mindlord was usually the one who was the best at it. But what I find the most interesting about the stuff I'm reading is the scientists' notes. They don't seem to believe their own data!
They even seem surprised that a rando in 62C even has enough of a mind to read. That's what I'm trying to do with this podcast, though. Try to show the world, and ideally the execs who run Inside the Box Sciences Incorporated, that the people of 62C are people. and that it is totally worth it to read their minds.
That makes me sound creepy again, doesn't it?
Well, it's fun that my assigned lab work has lined up so well with this week's episode, because Urekas's date with the Mindlord is happening. You know, I just realized that someone having a date with a Mindlord is really something that probably happened? I wonder if Harmony based Urekas on a real person from history?
Wait, would that mean that maybe Urekas going on a date with a Mindlord is something that actually happened, too? Well Even if it did really happen, I doubt that it played out exactly like this one does!.
Tanam: Let's get going. Vafrus left a little bit early last time. Would somebody like to summarize what happened?
Harmony: Uh, I have a date tonight with the Mindlord.
Vafrus: Okay. I do recall someone was gonna have that date.
Rozafeen: Yeah, I think we settled on Urekas going because we decided that would be maximum funny.
Harmony: Unlikely to go well.
Rozafeen: The annoying Second basically implied that not only is the artisan kind of crazy, he thinks that there's not even a tower.
Vafrus: Okay.
Rozafeen: So he was like, "Don't waste your time visiting whoever she's dating and the mother that she maybe lives with, like, I doubt the person's a sorcerer. I doubt there's even a tower in the desert." So that was an interesting take. I feel like we all might wanna double check that.
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah. That seems super easy to disprove or, you know, we'll waste a day, but like-
Don: That actually made me, uh, more suspicious somehow.
Rozafeen: Yeah, totally.
Tanam: So that's where we are at. Are you going to try to do anything else with the day before Urekas's date?
Harmony: Oh
Harmony: yeah. Yeah. Uh, I wanna throw just a quick dance party.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: Yes!
Harmony: Just inside the hotel room.
Rozafeen: So would that be acrobatics rolls, or...?
Tanam: I think it's Performance.
Harmony: I mean, well, I mean, all of you are welcome to join in dance with me and my followers. I just felt like we should all, you know, connect a little bit beforehand.
Tanam: I see. Okay. So this is a private dance party in your hotel room?
Harmony: Yeah. Yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I kind of like the idea of everybody's dancing, but then Hellena is doing like a gymnastics routine. Like, "this is the same, right?"
Rozafeen: That is kind of how I roll.
Don: I just sort of clank my armor a bit.
Harmony: Oh, and I have a really cute costume on. The super cute, like metallic onesy, lots of rhinestones, shiny things. Oh. And I am wearing the helm, but I'm also wearing like, just other cute stuff on my face, that's all.
Tanam: And all your followers that are currently around are there, as well?
Harmony: Yeah. Yeah. There's 15 followers in the room. Oh, and the chocolate fountain is on.
Tanam: Oh, excellent. This is the improved chocolate fountain.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: How long does your spell last? Eight hours. Cool. So it still looks like it got better.
Harmony: Cool. I think it covers like one cubic foot or something?
Tanam: Yeah. Your fountain is a little bit bigger than that, but the decoration on the top is nice and pretty.
Don: They really didn't skimp on the size of the chocolate fountain.
Tanam: Who else had requested a chocolate fountain?
Rozafeen: I think we all got chocolate fountains, including the cheetah.
Tanam: They're coming in like one at a time. So I think while you were gone, the cheetah's came in, and... Georg's. Okay, Urekas has a dance party. First of all, does everyone attend?
Vafrus: Of course!
Rozafeen: I wouldn't miss a dance party.
Vafrus: The great Urekas has invited me to a party?!
Don: I feel obligated to go to this dance party.
Tanam: Okay. Everyone tell me what skill you are using and then go ahead and roll.
Harmony: I was thinking, I was going back and forth like, do I wanna be a good dancer right now or do I wanna use speak with animals? But, no, Performance makes sense.
Tanam: What is the source of the music?
Harmony: Oh, my followers clapping.
Tanam: Is this a song that you've taught them?
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay. Do some of them join in or are they all just assigned to clapping duty?
Harmony: they're dancing too.
Tanam: Okay. Okay.
Don: I also enchant- because I see that it's just people clapping. Uh, I also enchant a small, uh, a bolt. With a musical thing. It plays... bolt music.
Tanam: One of my favorite genres.
Don: Yes, me too.
Tanam: I know that bolt fell out of fashion for a few years, but- glad that it's back.
Don: It just had a really unique sound. Nothing like it.
Tanam: uh, is that... mechanically? Is that, uh-
Don: Tinkering.
Tanam: Ah, okay. Quote, magical tinkering, right?
Don: Yes. called magical tinkering, but actually it's just normal tinkering.
Vafrus: called magical by people who don't understand.
Tanam: Yeah, pretty much.
Vafrus: which is everyone.
Tanam: Hey, hey. We should keep the ragging on Don's work to a minimum.
Don: Yes, very sensitive about, uh, how magical people think my work is, which is to say they shouldn't. They always do because I'm really good.
Rozafeen: So I got a 19 on handstands.
Tanam: Nice. Are you doing like repeated handstands or a full gymnastics routine?
Rozafeen: Yeah, I, I think I'm... Every few minutes doing a handstand next to the chocolate fountain and then drinking upside down.
Tanam: Nice.
Don: I, uh, I rolled a zero.
Rozafeen: What?!
Don: I rolled one and then I have a negative one. So I rolled zero
Harmony: ohhhhh
Don: Trying do my signature dance. Um, the, the golem.
Rozafeen: I mean, that sounds about right.
Vafrus: So, I choose this moment to start using mage hand to start pressing buttons on the armor just to see what happens.
Don: Oh no don't press those no! Oil goes into chocolate fountain.
Harmony: Oh no!
Vafrus: This, this, this is my explanation for what it means to roll a zero.
Don: We'll say, I actually, uh, I I lose a quote unquote "spell slot" of grease goes everywhere.
Rozafeen: And I'm done with handstands.
Don: Oh, come on!
Rozafeen: I don't play around in grease.
Tanam: Grease has sprayed into the chocolate.
Don: Sorry. I mean... Ruffort! I told you not to touch that. Also, I immediately slip and fall down.
Vafrus: I will try my best to look super innocent. "I dunno what you're talking about!" As I'm the only thing in the vicinity that doesn't appear to be covered in grease, I'm still immaculate.
Harmony: You owe me a new fountain.
Tanam: Who do you say that to?
Harmony: Oh, to Georg.
Tanam: Well, it does happen that Georg has gotten a fountain delivered.
Don: my fountain out of my bag or, or if it's still in, in there.
Tanam: It's still in your room, yeah.
Don: Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, uh- try to leave. Uh, assuming I can get out of the grease. I, I was not meant for dance parties.
Vafrus: Uh, if he struggles to get up, I'm gonna go like offer him my hand. would you take it?
Don: Uh, no. No, I wouldn't.
Rozafeen: Ah, too bad. That could have been a ballad monent.
Vafrus: That's, that's fair.
Don: Uh, that said, I do make my dexterity saving throw to, I don't know, get up.
Tanam: To get up off of the, uh, in the greasy area. Okay. How is Urekas handling this interruption?
Harmony: Uh, I mean, I'm pretty excited that I'm gonna get a new fountain. I mean, assuming that you like shower before you touch it.
Don: I will wash my armor.
Harmony: Okay.
Rozafeen: Wow, are we gonna see you for the next two hours?
Don: Nope! How did you know how I was gonna get out of this dance party?
Tanam: "Ohhh, oops. I seem to have spilled this all over myself."
Vafrus: Next time I see anyone who's like works for the hotel, I'm gonna let them know that we need to replace all the sheets that were in this room.
Harmony: And the carpet, maybe.
Don: Didn't they already replace the sheets once when you took them?
Vafrus: There's like a tower of sheets in this. I'm trying to figure out how many sheets they have.
Tanam: "Oh, do you guys need anything?" "Yes, more sheets, please!"
Harmony: Either new carpet, or strip the carpet and I would accept hardwood.
Tanam: I think they probably have someone who can prestidigitate on staff.
Vafrus: That was pretty good. I'm done. Thank you. That was, that made my night.
Tanam: Okay. So I'm assuming that eventually Urekas, uh, shoos y'all out so that she can start preparing for her big date?
Harmony: Yeah. Yeah. It's probably a good idea.
Rozafeen: I was gonna suggest she just wear that, but I guess we've moved on.
Harmony: Oh! No, I, I think I will wear this. Okay. I'm ready.
Tanam: Excellent.
Vafrus: Aren't you covered in oil?
Tanam: I don't think, I don't think everybody got hit.
Harmony: No, I was, pretty far away from Georg.
Vafrus: As you tend to be at dance parties.
Don: You don't really want to be next to the guy who's made of metal pretty much, do you, I guess. In case he doesn't have any dexterity.
Rozafeen: Well, depends what's happening.
Don: Fair point.
Vafrus: So mentally, I'm going to turn to the Dark Lord, turn my attention to my Patron, my master, and be like, "Aren't you proud of me? Look what I did. Just like you told me, I pressed the button without touching it!"
Tanam: Um, that is, that is true, my servant.
Vafrus: I'm so happy. All the praise. I feel so good. Definitely going to do that again. That's how I remember it, right? Press the button without touching it. Yeah. Pretty sure. Pretty sure that was the requirement.
Tanam: yeah, I think, I think your statement of "that's how I remember it" is accurate.
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah.
Tanam: Okay. Okay.
Tanam: Okay. It is pushing about getting close to the time that you're supposed to be appearing at the Mindlord's place.
Harmony: Okay! Oh, I should ask you all for advice. What do you think I should ask him on this date?
Rozafeen: "Hey baby, where's that portal go?"
Don: Nice.
Harmony: Yeah. Okay. Remind me where the portal was? In case he has multiple.
Vafrus: hanging on a door in his house.
Harmony: Okay. So my goal is to find out where the portal goes without actually entering the portal. Okay. I can do this.
Vafrus: Honestly, your goal is to stay alive.
Don: And ideally not get him to read your mind and know everything that we know would be nice.
Harmony: Oh no, not, oh- you know what, can you guys carry my chocolate fountain over for the date? Maybe he would like to try some of the chocolate.
Vafrus: if, if she looks at me, I turn to look at some other followers.
Harmony: I'm looking straight at you.
Vafrus: I I, I, immediately like glance off and be like, "well?"
Harmony: Okay, fine. I'll carry it myself.
Tanam: And by carry it yourself, you mean have your followers do it?
Harmony: Yeah. Well, I don't want the Mindlord to read their minds. Maybe I should just put it in a wheelbarrow and carry it.
Don: Yeah, I would carry it, but I don't want the Mindlord to read my mind.
Rozafeen: Do you have a way to send a signal if you want us to come collect you?
Harmony: Yeah, are you guys gonna like hide in the bushes? How do we...
Rozafeen: it's not super far away, right? I keep being reminded of that.
Tanam: Yeah. No, it is not super far away.
Harmony: Okay. Yeah, if you wanna hide in the, like hide behind a tree...
Tanam: So, it is the desert...
Harmony: Oh, I hide behind a cactus.
Rozafeen: Well, I was trying to think if there was some plausible way that we could be detained so that us skipping out isn't an act of rudeness. We're simply, you know, sending our representative while we're- fill in the blank, but outdoors and not very far away.
Vafrus: We all got super drunk at the dance party; that's one that we can make true in case we're worried about lying.
Rozafeen: I wanna be close enough that if she's in danger, we can get there without too many beats. But I think that literally being on his property, hiding behind a cactus is not gonna end well.
Harmony: That's a good point. Yeah. Okay. How about I do a signal? How about, I sound like a bird. Like I'll pretend like I'm coughing, but instead I go "ca caw"?
Vafrus: Perfect.
Rozafeen: I have an idea! How about you take Justice? Justice could get back to us real fast.
Harmony: Okay. Yeah. Cause I can talk to animals!
Vafrus: Or can you dance really well?
Harmony: and that. But no, I think I'll take Justice. That'd be great. Thank you.
Don: Uh, well, you had discussed earlier, uh, uh, using an another instance of distort value on your, uh, helm to make it look less, uh, fancy.
Harmony: Oh yeah, yeah, I do that first. I make my helm look like a fake helm. And it blends in with my costume so he won't, you know, think anything of it.
Don: I mean, except that he knows that you have it, but, but maybe he'll think that it's something else if he doesn't read your mind.
Vafrus: All right, I'm gonna look at Urekas and say, "Listen, if anybody can do this, you can. You're Urekeas! The most talented, charismatic person in the world. If anybody can outtalk a Mindlord, it's you. Just don't think about anything incriminating." And I'm gonna cast Suggestion when I say that.
Tanam: Oh, interesting. Okay. Urekas, you recognize possibly what's going on here and you can choose to fail your throw and just not take it, at which point you will be magically compelled not to think about anything incriminating
Harmony: Oh!
Tanam: For- how long is that?
Vafrus: Eight hours.
Tanam: Eight hours. Okay.
Harmony: That's perfect because our date's only one hour, I think. Okay. I, I would love to not think anything incriminating. Yes. Do I roll?
Vafrus: You, you may roll you want. You can choose not to. If you choose not to, then it just works.
Harmony: Oh, okay. I would like it to work. Well, as a thank you to Ruffort, I give you some bardic inspiration just in case you needta help me later.
Vafrus: That is good because I have to maintain concentration on this spell and I'm easily distracted person. Also, I think it would be hilarious if we tried to commit crimes immediately after this, while it was still in effect, and you were unable to think about the things we were, like, actively doing.
Don: I, I feel like this is a thing that, that you could engineer.
Tanam: So, um, you did your distort value. Do you have that usage?
Harmony: Okay. I'd be so sad if I wasted it on the chocolate fountain.
Tanam: You also wanted to do speak with animals?
Harmony: No, that was just for the dance party. I'll do that later if I need to.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: Ooo, but I am always detecting thoughts throughout this entire date.
Tanam: Yes. And you can probably assume that he is as well.
Harmony: He would never.
Tanam: So just a heads up, I don't think that he knows that it's a date.
Harmony: Typical.
Don: What thought it obvious.
Tanam: I think you all didn't decide that it was a date until like after you had run away.
Don: I mean, didn't she like wink at him and-
Harmony: Mm-hmm. I smiled.
Don: do like a little like hip, waggle? don't know.
Rozafeen: I think that he was probably expecting all of us and he's gonna be- we hope pleasantly- surprised to just have her come.
Harmony: Well, that's how he'll realize it's a date.
Rozafeen: Uhhuh
Tanam: Okay. What are the rest of you going to do?
Rozafeen: Eat popcorn? Like what kind of question is that? I wanna see the action!
Tanam: Well, I mean, are you gonna be doing, clairvoyance, remote spy situation?
Vafrus: I wanna do some infiltration. Is this is like a restaurant?
Tanam: No, it's at the tables in front of his house.
Rozafeen: his patio or
Vafrus: Yeah, no way to sneak up there. Okay. Uh, yeah, I will be somewhere pretty far away from that. Maybe I'll sit, I'll ask the Prince to see if he'll go spy though. That sounds good.
Rozafeen: Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. I wanna be somewhere with a good vantage point.
Tanam: Okay. You have your goggles, and you saw the cloaked figure before, so you could see the-
Rozafeen: So, I wanna be a little closer than I was before, so that I can see in more detail without hiding behind his own cactus.
Tanam: Yep. Yep, yep, yep. There's like a small marketplace, there's a restaurant nearby. All of those places would make decent views.
Rozafeen: I wanna hop up on a roof with a chunky wall that has either a ladder or a lots of little stone sticking out so that it's easy to climb down. And I wasn't kidding about the popcorn.
Tanam: I'll say that the marketplace has some popcorn available.
Rozafeen: And probably a roof.
Tanam: It's like a open air, like stalls. But there's a permanent installation as well and that area has a firmer build. You could probably climb up on from the back of that. There's some ovens inside for bread baking and stuff. So, you could hide behind those, so that you're not just standing on the roof, above the market in full view.
Rozafeen: Oh, so I'm sitting behind a chimney or whatever.
Tanam: Yeah, you just chill up there.
Don: I'm not sure if I can actually make it to go up with Hellena, uh, at least without clanking around a bunch.
Tanam: Yeah, I was just going to say, uh, will Helena please roll a stealth check?
Rozafeen: Okay. Hmm. It's a 12.
Tanam: okay. Georg, are you just gonna hang around down in the market?
Don: I'm gonna follow Hellena up to, like, I'll just sit behind the house and then if Justice comes back, I'll know to come running.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: Because otherwise I might just not know. And then, you know, he turns Urekas into a thrall and-
Tanam: then who knows what happens? yeah,
Don: exactly.
Tanam: Okay. Ruffort, are you staying back at the hotel or-
Vafrus: I'm gonna be wherever the nearest place where there's a bunch of people that I could just sort of get lost in the crowd. I've got my face changing power, so I'll just match the uniform or the general vibe of whoever's there and look busy and just try to blend. That'll be my deal.
Tanam: Oh, okay. Okay. Be there, but as someone else.
Vafrus: Yeah. As close as I can without drawing attention to myself. I don't want him to, like, notice the waiter that keeps on passing him and be like, what's your deal? A little bit distant, but yeah, that's, that's my thing. And I'll, and I'll change faces like, every like 10 minutes just so no one can keep track of me.
Tanam: Nice.
Don: And then before, before, uh, Urekas leaves, I'll cast, uh, protection from poison on her.
Harmony: Oh, thank you.
Don: Just in case. I, I hand her a pill and, and say, " okay, here, just take this. And, uh, it'll, it'll protect you for an hour, at best, from poison, uh, just in case he's that kinda creep."
Harmony: He would never, but.
Don: I don't think he will either. He'll probably just charm you. But I don't have a protection from becoming a mindless slave, so I guess I'll just go with poison.
Harmony: Oh, you're cute when you're jealous. Okay, I'll take it.
Don: That's what I am: jealous.
Rozafeen: I yell down, "I'm not jealous. I just want my money."
Tanam: Okay. Urekas, tell me what this arrival looks like.
Harmony: Oh, well, I'm still wearing my costume and I am carrying the chocolate fountain, and I've just, you know, humbly but sexily walking over to him.
Tanam: He, uh, is sitting on one of the cushions in front of his house and looks surprised. You start trying to pick up on what he's thinking.
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: He's thinking, "What are you thinking? No, what are you thinking? "
Harmony: But you go first, you think a thought first.
Tanam: So yeah, things coming through are like, "is that a chocolate fountain?" And also, "where is everyone else? Is this...? It's a date." and not like a sad, it's a date, but it's more of surprise and reordering of expectations.
Harmony: I'm glad he knows.
Rozafeen: He's not like "women walk up all the time in sparkly unitards with a chocolate fountain and a cheetah."
Vafrus: "This is a normal thing that happens to me."
Tanam: There's multiple tables around the area and he gestures to one of them for you to put the chocolate fountain down on.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: He gestures to a cushion and sits across from that one that he's gesturing to.
Harmony: Okay. Well, I mean, I sit down, but what's his body language like?
Tanam: it's detached interest.
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: He's not uninterested, but he is either a little bit put out or pretending that he is.
Harmony: Okay. Well maybe his heart was broken recently. Okay.
Tanam: There isn't any other food, besides your chocolate fountain. He says, "Well, I must admit that I was expecting, more of you. So the food, when it arrives, is going to probably be a bit much for us depending on how much the cheetah will eat."
Harmony: Oh, well, we like to eat a lot, so that's okay. I'm glad I just get to know you.
Rozafeen: Justice goes "rawr."
Vafrus: Ruffort is too far away to actually hear what's going on. And he wouldn't do anything, even if he did. But had he been there, he would've been deeply tempted to drop the Suggestion spell and start making Justice talk.
Rozafeen: We talked about this.
Vafrus: Yeah, but you can't do anything about it now.
Tanam: Just at that moment, he says, "Ah, speaking of!" Hellena, you saw four people coming out from the marketplace, from the building itself, each carrying covered trays. They walk across the way to his place and they set the food down on the table and then head back to the marketplace, after he dismisses them.
Rozafeen: She better save us some of those good, good leftovers.
Tanam: Yeahh, this is very nice food.
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: He picks up his plate and walks around to the other tables and fills it up a bit and asks if you'd like him to get you anything.
Harmony: Oh, please, yes. Whatever you think I'd like.
Tanam: He, reaches over and then picks up your plate and basically gives you the same thing that he got.
Vafrus: Which is obviously the best thing.
Tanam: There's a pile of cooked vegetables on one of the things. And he said, "This is one of my favorite dishes that they prepare." And your surface thoughts tell you that he is legit. He likes that dish.
Harmony: Oh, well thank you. I love this. Great minds think alike.
Tanam: You all are eating. Do you try to direct the conversation any direction?
Harmony: Yeah. Like I can start things off. "What's the best love advice you've ever received?"
Vafrus: Yes, this was why we sent you.
Tanam: He is definitely not expecting that question. "Excellent question." Wow. Good roll, dude. Oh man. Now I actually have to come up with something that's actually good love advice because he rolled so damn good.
Vafrus: "I was once told that you should just read your partner's mind and then do they what they want and everything will be great. It's worked every time."
Tanam: You know what? I think that's actually, yeah, that is a thing that a Mindlord would say. "Well, everyone always complains that their partners expect them to just read their minds. And for most people, that's just a wish that they could never have. But for some of us, it's just a fact of daily life."
Harmony: So hot. As a Mindlord, how do you know that you like someone?
Tanam: Intern's teeth, I was not prepared for this, uh, for this first date with Urekas. Can you roll something for me? I think persuasion.
Harmony: Persuasion. Okay. Um, persuasion of a plus five and I roll a... a three.
Tanam: So, total of eight?
Rozafeen: ohhhh nooo.
Tanam: You can tell that despite the fact that he was just referencing directly- like, "alluding to" seems way too indirect for what he was talking about- the fact that he's a Mindlord. But I think you talking about him being a Mindlord takes him out of it a little bit?
Harmony: Hmmm
Tanam: And he's like, "Oh, there's a reason why we were doing this. These people are investigating a thing."
Harmony: Oh no.
Tanam: And briefly his thoughts that you're following, are about the spider attack. There's like a moment of fear and then, you can feel him get himself back into it and dismiss that. "Well, , I don't know that being a Mindlord affects who I like. I can often tell, uh, who likes me and that helps."
Harmony: "Oh, you sound very secure. That's great." And then I just need some chocolate.
Tanam: So you guys eat for a little bit and the vibe is good. It's a good silence.
Harmony: Yeah, it's like a comfortable silence.
Tanam: Yeah, comfortable. And you're both eating and, and smiling and no one's acting nervous or anything.
Vafrus: Not that silent because you're both reading each other's thoughts. Do I hear an echo?
Don: if you're reading someone's mind and they're reading your mind, there's like this high pitched whine that happens that just gets louder and louder.
Vafrus: Oh, is he being a gentleman?
Tanam: Your characters do not know this.
Vafrus: Of course not. No no. but like he, like got her a plate of food and I, I, I'm very impressed with this guy.
Harmony: Yeah, he's a sweetheart.
Rozafeen: Your standards are so low.
Harmony: Yeah...
Rozafeen: He was polite and he gave her food at dinner. Oh my gosh.
Vafrus: And chose not to invade her deepest secrets and privacy for no reason.
Rozafeen: Okay. Okay.
Tanam: Okay, so he makes firm eye contact and his demeanor hasn't changed a lot, but it has shifted slightly.
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: It looks like he's possibly concentrating a bit, and just very casually asks, "uh, so, why were you and your friends hanging out at my house earlier?"
Harmony: Oh, I give an Enthralling Performance about how beautiful the property was and we felt inspired and wanted to explore.
Tanam: Uh, sorry, was the first thing you said a thing that you said?
Don: She has that, an ability called Enthralling Performance.
Tanam: Ahhh. I see.
Harmony: Ooh. Anyone who's listening, um, I'm also enthralling them.
Rozafeen: So Justice is... she's like super excited.
Tanam: Did I make a stat block for this guy? Why would I do that? Um, nope. he is charmed.
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: Your minute-long description of how wonderful you feel here and how much you just love his cute little house and all this kinds of thing. And so his eyes get a little bit glassy as he's staring at you.
Harmony: Oh.
Tanam: And he says, "Oh, I'm so delighted to hear that from you of all people. I do have to admit though, I love staying here while I'm visiting the Hall, but the construction and appointment of the place, I hate to admit this, but the credit does not belong to me. It's Ovadan's place, and I rent it from him, uh, while I'm here."
Vafrus: "But love me anyway!"
Tanam: "I do like to try to do some small things while I'm here; they give it that extra little touch. I've been here enough that Ovadan has taken some of my suggestions in some of the layout and decoration."
Harmony: Oh wow, that's really great. So you're here on vacation. Do you like to relax or explore while on vacation?
Tanam: "Mostly, I just like to gamble at the Hall. That's the reason why I come here instead of, you know, there's plenty of, of resorts for-" and he puffs up a little bit, "for someone of my station."
Harmony: Mm.
Tanam: You know, trying, very clearly trying to impress you. "But of course, I'm sure that you know all about that."
Harmony: Of course, I've done a little bit of gambling. I gambled the chocolate fountain and I made it a little bit better. Would you like some more chocolate? "
Tanam: "Oh, I'd love it."
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: "So you put the chocolate fountain in the mirror?"
Harmony: Yeah. And it came out just a little bit better than before.
Tanam: "Oh, I always love it when that works out like that."
Harmony: I love that you love that.
Tanam: "Oh, that's delightful. Thank you."
Rozafeen: I'm dyin' over here. I love that you love that I love.
Tanam: Bag of popcorn's half empty.
So it, it says, "idolizes you." So I'm, I'm trying to think. I mean, cuz I think he was already, he was a little bit pissed about the situation, but I think he's very much over that. And I think that before you even did the spell, I think he was already on Team Urekas. And so I'm trying to figure out how bold he is feeling. I think that is pretty bold.
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: "In fact, there's one feature of this place that I think is just incredible. Would you like to see it?"
Harmony: I'd love to.
Tanam: "Okay." And he gets up and goes over to the door and opens it and gestures you in.
Harmony: Okay. The cheetah and I enter.
Tanam: He notices the cheetah, does not seem to be upset by it, and closes the front door behind him. And walks over to the door that's hanging on his wall. . Hellena, you've seen that they've gone inside, with Justice.
Rozafeen: Interesting. But she looked like she wanted to go, right?
Tanam: Yes.
Don: Of course, Justice is charmed, so it doesn't really, little tough...
Tanam: oh, I forgot. Did you roll a wisdom saving throw for Justice?
Rozafeen: I didn't, let me take care of that.
Vafrus: So what we think is going on from a distance is that he's mind controlled her, but that Justice is free. What's truly happened is that she's mind controlled Justice and him.
Rozafeen: Justice is a 12.
Tanam: Yeah. Justice also fails. So Justice is now charmed. After closing the door, he very excitedly- it's rather cute, actually- goes over to the door hanging on the wall. And he's like, "If you had seen the back, this door seems like it goes to nowhere, but!" and he throws it open and behind it is a bathroom. A bathroom that is as big as the rest of the house, and it's got a huge tub that looks like it's magically enhanced in various ways, and a rather opulent toilet, which given what you saw when you visited the Second's house, it fits. Like this is probably similar to the bathroom that the Second has in his place. But the way into it is, like the doorway, the, the thing that the door was covering is just a, it seems like a normal doorway, except that it's a little bit misty. You could even, like, convince yourself that it was misted from a hot bath or something like that. But it doesn't, it looks more shimmery than that.
Harmony: Aw. I love baths, I love bathrooms, and I love baths. How did you do that?
Tanam: "Oh, again, I wish I could, I wish I could claim responsibility for it. Um, but it's, uh, there, this one is Ovadan's as well, but yeah!" And he walks in and the mists swirl as he passes through them. He starts like pointing out the tub.
Harmony: Oh, I go inside. I go, oh, that looks so relaxing.
Tanam: "It's all been enchanted to give one of the most incredible bathing experiences that I have frankly ever had."
Harmony: That's so amazing. How did he hide all of this behind the door?
Tanam: "Oh, well," he looks around conspiratorially, "This is a pocket dimension."
Harmony: What?
Tanam: "Yeah. And it doesn't use mirror magic."
Harmony: What?
Tanam: "If it was a mirror, I certainly wouldn't be going back and forth, to use the bathroom via mirror. I think that would, take a toll on one after a while."
Harmony: No, of course you're better than that.
Tanam: and he, he blushes The rental fees on this place are exorbitant, but I think that this bathroom makes it worth it."
Harmony: Well, that's why you have to win at gambling. What is a pocket dimension?
Tanam: "Oh, it's just a little fold in space where it doesn't take up any space in the outside. It's shoved off in some direction that isn't a normal direction that you can point in. There's not many of these in the world, but yeah. Somehow, Ovadan made it happen."
Harmony: Interesting. Can you travel between them?
Tanam: "Oh, no, it's not like mirror travel or catapult or anything like that. It's its own little thing."
Harmony: How many are there?
Tanam: "I don't know. Like I said, I'm not even really sure where Ovadan got it. He's been very stingy with information about it."
Harmony: Mm. And that makes sense. He wants to keep this like a private bathroom.
Tanam: "Yeah, if the secret got out and the rest of us figured out how we could get our own pocket dimensions with beautiful bathrooms in them, then maybe we wouldn't need to rent his place anymore, right?"
Harmony: Right. Ah! some people.
Tanam: Okay. I'm trying to figure out a way to move this forward-
Vafrus: They spend the night in the bathtub, right? Like that's-
Rozafeen: I'm feeling very kissy scenes that I don't need to hear.
Tanam: What is Urekas's goal at this point?
Harmony: Well, I feel like I just learned a lot of information. I'm feeling really lucky and like, I don't know if I wanna push that too much. Like, maybe I should leave, but set up another date to meet again?
Tanam: You do have the excuse of, after dark, you're supposed to meet up with Tagak.
Rozafeen: I don't know, a drop in that name might, uh, make things less charming though, right?
Harmony: I mean, I can just say, "This is so wonderful. Thank you for showing me this. I really want to reconnect soon, but I have, uh, somewhere that I need to be tonight."
Tanam: "Oh, well- that's- you're obviously a very important and busy woman. Would you like to come by tomorrow evening?"
Harmony: I'd love to.
Tanam: "Say, dinner again at about the same time?"
Harmony: Sure. I'll even leave my chocolate fountain here.
Tanam: "Oh, that would be amazing. Thank you."
Harmony: "You're amazing. You're welcome." This went so well!
Vafrus: Just wait till the spell wears off in 10 minutes.
Tanam: well, he, he failed. He failed his save, so- "the target has no hint that you tried to charm it."
Vafrus: Excellent. This is-
Don: on this one, even if they, uh, even if they succeed, they have no hint.
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Oh man. Careful about talking to Urekas.
Don: Yeah, yeah. You hear a fancy story and all of a sudden everybody and the chetah is charmed.
Rozafeen: Next thing you know, you're keeping her chocolate fountain.
Don: Oh yeah.
Tanam: Okay. As you are heading out, the same staff that had delivered the food is cleaning up.
Harmony: Oh, well, I, I save some of the food for the rest of the party.
Tanam: Oh, excellent. Okay. He leans against the place and waves goodbye.
Harmony: Mmmhmm. Okay. Well, I, I turned my head and I made goodbye back.
Tanam: And he seems quite pleased.
Tanam: Do you just head back to the hotel?
Harmony: I don't think we had a meeting place, did we?
Tanam: I mean, you can say now that you did.
Don: That seems really smart. Like definitely should have. So we tooootally did. Hmum.
Tanam: Maybe in the courtyard around the Hall?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: Would you like to actually say what you say to everybody or do you want to just say that you told them, you know, debrief them.
Harmony: Oh, yeah. Let's just say that I told them with an emphasis of just how well the date went.
Tanam: I think Hellena especially feels probably like she's needing to pull fingernails to like, actually get the relevant details instead of just the like-
Rozafeen: mean, you don't know how I feel. Maybe I like hearing about the romance. "
Vafrus: Yeah. Do us about the bit where he was thinking about the spider attack and had a moment of fear?
Harmony: Oh, I do. Yes.
Vafrus: So, of course Ruffort is deeply jealous. Uh, but, uh, I feel like that is an alibi not only for Mr. Mindlord, but for like everybody the Mindlord knows. Nobody in his circle can be in on this if one, he wasn't in on it. And two, he doesn't know who isn't on it.
Tanam: Does Ruffort say that?
Vafrus: Yeah. I'm gonna say something to that effect, but really sullenly.
Don: Well, Georg, at least, uh, chimes in with a, "I, I don't know if that's the case. I mean, a moment of fear. Perhaps he was afraid that she knew that he was behind the spider attack.
Rozafeen: I don't know. I'm getting serious pretty-boy vibes.
Vafrus: "I mean, there is apparently another date so we can follow up." I say not at all amused, not, not super pleased about this entire situation.
Harmony: That reminds me, can I borrow someone's chocolate fountain tonight?
Don: Uh, here. wait.
Tanam: No, you-
Don: Oh wait, no you took mine in the first place.
Tanam: Yeah. Yeah.
Rozafeen: is Justice still charmed?
Harmony: Charm for eight hours.
Rozafeen: Is she dragging hers over and like wagging her tail?
Vafrus: yes!
Don: It's only one hour.
Harmony: it's one hour?
Tanam: Okay. Justice brought Justice's chocolate fountain over.
Harmony: Okay. Even though Justice is no longer charmed, I still get the fountain?
Rozafeen: Maybe she did it just at the tail end of being charmed.
Tanam: Yeah, just at the tail end
Harmony: Thank you Justice.
Rozafeen: So I'm excited that we learned about the magical misty bathroom. I would love to know more about the exterior cellar door, cuz that's actually the thing that the caped person went into, right?
Tanam: Yes.
Don: I'm particularly more interested in that shady bathroom door. How does it work? Uh, was it like misty, like had, have, have defined edges or were the edges misty too? Was it like a, a defined portal or, or what kind of, you know, was there framing on it? Uh, how did, how did all this work? I'm convinced it was actually a mirror.
Harmony: he said it wasn't a portal,
Don: I mean I know he said it wasn't a portal.
Vafrus: Ohhh, that's pretty smart! If it's, they just told him it's not a mirror and he's, he's just like melting his brain a little bit every time. Oh, the plot thickens.
Don: Yeah, It's totally not a mirror, wink. Uh, yeah, I've heard of these pocket dimensions, but, uh, I'm not entirely familiar as much as I'd like to be.
Rozafeen: I guess maybe just in case Urekas shouldn't go in there a lot cuz we need her to not melt her mind.
Harmony: No, my mind feels really good right now.
Don: "Says exact- I mean, that's what somebody whose mind was just melted would exactly what they would say." I say with exactly that amount of coherence.
Harmony: Oh, I mean, if you wanna know more about like, the different doors and the mechanics of the bathroom, like, I'm, I'm going back tomorrow.
Vafrus: Oh, so he, he kept on mentioning that the house and the door and everything was, was he was renting it from who again?
Harmony: From Ovadan.
Vafrus: Do we, do we like Ovadan?
Rozafeen: Yeah. Which one? isn't like everybody Ovadan?
Don: Second in command, right?
Tanam: Yeah. So the, person who is in like the quote "Head of Hospitality," who is the person who clearly runs the place, that's Tanovadan. There is also The Second, who you'd spoke to earlier in his ridiculous house, and people call him either The Second, Second Deenovadan. But you have heard at least one person refer to him simply as "Ovadan."
Vafrus: So is, are we under the impression that The Second is who the Mindlord was talking about?
Tanam: Yeah, it was gaudy. This sort of impression that you got when you were at his house about it just being designed to make you feel poor.
Vafrus: All right. So we could just go ask The Second, what's the deal with the cellar, right?
Rozafeen: Um-
Tanam: Uh... you could? That is a thing that you could do.
Don: Wouldn't that blow our cover a bit? Assuming we have cover. I don't know much about these things.
Rozafeen: So I don't trust him is the thing. Like if he were the landlord and he were a definite ally, I'd be like, yeah, sure, dude, we didn't know you owned this place, but now that we know that you own it, what's up with the cellars? Like, that'd be perfectly logical, but I think he kind of sucks. So...
Harmony: Yeah, I don't know. Could I throw some kind of Suggestion at him to be cool for 10 minutes and tell us the truth?
Vafrus: This, is the fellow we were talking to at the end of last session, right?
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Okay. Yeah. So yeah, you're right. He's a scumbag, but I think he's great and I think we could absolutely manipulate him. He does not seem like a, a strong-willed person.
Rozafeen: Well, we left him with the impression that we were allies and we really wanna know his input and that sort of thing. So I suppose that we could go back and ask him if he has any hot tips about corridors or caverns or underground connections, you know, that might really help our investigation. Like if he's guilty, I don't know what he's gonna do with that. But if he's an idiot and helpful, then that could work.
Vafrus: Okay. New working theory is that he is guilty. His whole motivation is he wants the Captain of the Guard person to look bad, who he clearly hates, but also there is definitely a tower fortress out in the desert who he's working with somehow, and it's associated with this cellar thing. That's, that's my current belief. But yeah, I think we could just go, like, gang up on him either with magic or charm or brute force and get him to do whatever we want.
Harmony: Mm-hmm. I think that would work.
Don: "If the charm doesn't work, I'm really good at brute force." And I like clank my gauntlets together.
Rozafeen: Now, do we want to possibly waste an evening riding out into the desert still to see whether or not there is a sorcerer tower? Because if there is, that would be a super interesting conversation when we come back to talk to The Second.
Vafrus: I, I really wanna go see the sorcerer tower, and in the interest of all this new stuff going on, we can hold off murdering anybody.
Don: We should definitely hold off actually murdering them until I get to beat them up nice and pulpy first. I mean, uh, we should not murder them. That's what I mean.
Rozafeen: You guys, geez!
Harmony: Mmm-hmm.
Don: Sorry I just get very annoyed with, uh, with people that are, that are full of crap that won't tell me about their doors to another dimension space. It just-
Harmony: How about this? Next time I'm there, I'll use the bathroom and I'll tell you all about it.
Don: Ahhhh. But do tell me about that portal, like mostly the portal. I don't care about the hot tub.
Rozafeen: I do.
Don: Even though those sound really nice.
Harmony: Oh, okay. He said it wasn't a portal.
Vafrus: Okay guys, we have to sneak Georg in to go examine the portal. This, this is now a priority, we have to do it somehow.
Harmony: Can we address him up like the cheetah?
Vafrus: Yes!
Don: I don't think that anyone will believe I'm the cheetah.
Vafrus: I, I could make you look like a cheetah.
Don: Please don't make me look like the cheetah.
Rozafeen: But could you make him sound like the cheetah?
Don: Hey!
Vafrus: I can, I can make him look and sound like anything that fits in a 15 foot cube.
Don: Well, I do fit in a 15 foot cube. Does it get me to investigate the door? I could be really into investigating the door as the cheetah.
Vafrus: That's what I'm saying, yeah. Like all we gotta do is get Ovadan mind reader out of there and, and, and-
Tanam: Ovadan is The Second.
Vafrus: I, I'm assuming everybody's Ovadan. I thought that's what we had to say, like,
Don: Yeah, I'm Georgovadan. You're Ruffortovadan.
Tanam: So far you know of two locally.
Vafrus: Okay. I kind of thought all the powerful people were Ovadans, but, all right. Anyway, uh, point is, and what what's going on here is, is, uh, Ruffort feels a little bad about, uh, ruining Georg's night earlier and is like trying to do a nice thing.
Harmony: That's not Ruffort's fault about Georg and the chocolate fountain.
Don: No, it definitely is.
Rozafeen: Super-duper is.
Vafrus: Georg keeps on being great. So yeah, Ruffort will continue to push for this. Y'all can do what you want with that.
Don: Yeah, I don't want, like, if the Mindlord's around, then I can't do it cuz I don't want him to like read my mind and realize, hey, this cheetah isn't entirely a cheetah.
Harmony: Well, what if he and I went outside his house and then you went inside pretending to be the cheetah and he won't see it..
Vafrus: Just take him on a walking date. Then you don't need the cheetah. Like you just go in the door and spend as much time as you want.
Harmony: Wait, take him on a walking date, like walking outside his house?
Vafrus: Yeah, yeah. Walk him somewhere.
Don: Like not around his house.
Vafrus: Go see a puppet show. Yeah. Like, you know, whatever, whatever people do on dates.
Harmony: And then you're just gonna break into his house?
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don: Well, yeah...
Rozafeen: Ya-know... I,
Harmony: Okay. You don't think he-
Tanam: wait, how long does your Suggestion last?
Vafrus: Uh, eight hours.
Tanam: Okay. So, Urekas can literally not conceive of that.
Vafrus: I love it. Just kind of water off her back.
Tanam: Sorry, you were saying , Hellena?
Rozafeen: I respect a man who is very excited about portals. Love it. The thing is, though, the bond that she's forming with this very powerful man- this could be really useful, and I don't know if it's worth taking that big of a risk early on in a way that might, like, break everything. Like there's so much that we could get outta this guy just from him liking her and wanting to continue to hang out with her. Whereas if he comes back from the walk to pee and there's a random guy in armor in his house, like that's gonna go south.
Vafrus: Hellena, I'm so proud of you! You're talking about exploiting someone for their power? Oh, I, I knew we could be friends. All right.
Rozafeen: I just blink.
Don: I think she was more trying to convince me not to.
Rozafeen: No, I mean, he's not completely wrong. It's not like I wanna, you know take this guy on a picnic myself or whatever.
Don: Yeah. But okay. I get it. I get it. Uh, I, we could wait till like the third date, probably. I think I could hold it in. Uh, all I want is, is it has to do with his portals.
Vafrus: There was an appointment, right? Was that real or did you make that up?
Tanam: It's to go with Tagak to go to the uh, tower.
Vafrus: Oh! Excellent. I, yeah, I want to I want to see if there's a tower.
Don: Good timing
Harmony: let's do that.
Don: Is there a tower? It is really suspicious. I'm guessing there is a tower, but the, the, uh, uh, Deenovadan's really suspicious telling us that there might well not be a tower and that we shouldn't trust anything Tagak says, and I mean, she does seem a little, uh, I don't know, maybe head over heels, but I bet there's a tower.
Tanam: Okay, so you head over to Tagak's shop and Beeb is closing up shop and sees you coming and screams a bit and slams his door and runs off.
Vafrus: We spend the rest of the night hunting him.
Tanam: I mean, it was like, "screaming" is too much. It's more of a yelp.
Rozafeen: I yell at his backside. "We missed you!"
Harmony: We'll be back soon.
Tanam: Does not stop running.
Don: See you at breakfast.
Rozafeen: Breakfast for dinner?
Tanam: So yeah, he, uh, he runs off and Tagak is likewise closing up shop and sees you there. "Great to see you guys. Uh, I'm glad that you, uh, I'm glad that you made it. Uh, are you ready for a, a walk through the desert at night?"
Vafrus: Does seem like a good time to walk through the desert.
Harmony: Mmm-hmm.
Don: Why do you make that sound as creepy as possible?
Rozafeen: How far of a walk is it?
Tanam: "About two hours."
Rozafeen: Great. I think I'll do it as a camel.
Don: Oh, I thought it was like a day away. Okay.
Vafrus: One question, can we spend an hour just hanging out first? I used up some magic and want it back.
Harmony: Okay I need take off my heels anyway. Oh I should change.
Tanam: You might want to change clothes for a walk through the desert.
Vafrus: So everyone meet back here in an hour? Or maybe not here. Let's meet at the Gates, you know, in the direction of the desert.
Tanam: Okay. So that will be a short rest for everyone , while you're prepping for your trek through the desert.
Vafrus: I'm also gonna clean myself off cuz I've actually been covered in oil this whole time.
Harmony: I'va question about the short rest. Do I do that?
Don: I don't think you've taken any damage, so you don't need to spend any hit dice.
Harmony: Okay.
Don: She gets a few things back on short rest: her bardic inspirations, the, uh-
Tanam: oh, enthralling performance. Yep.
Don: Yeah, all sorts of, not spell slots themselves, but
Tanam: abilities. Yep, yep,
Harmony: Oh, can you make us some coffee for the walk?
Don: I, on the other hand, get nothing. I get nothing back on a short rest except for my dignity, so I'm not covered in oil.
Tanam: yep. That's, that's-
Rozafeen: And that only half cuz it's a short rest. Right?
Don: Yeah. good, good point. Thanks.
Tanam: you get one hit dice of dignity back Uh,
Don: I don't think that's gonna be enough.
Rozafeen: The oil is gone, but the memory remains.
Tanam: uh, and you were saying something Harmony?
Harmony: Oh, um, oh. I think I, I was making fun of him, but I don't remember what I said. Assume that you were made fun of.
Don: Thanks.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Vafrus: Love these old couples. You can just look over to the other and say, "mock." And they say "yes,"
Harmony: It hurts just as much as coming up with something clever.
Don: Yeah, she actually does have vicious mockery. It's not even a spell. It's just a natural ability.
Tanam: Okay. I think that is a good place to stop for the night. We will resume with your trek with Tagak into the desert.
Rozafeen: Woohoo.
Harmony: Dun
Tanam: dun, dun.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: That looks so relaxing. Does that have jets?
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: that seems really interesting. And I ask way too many questions about it. Like way too many.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: I got a 19 on handstands.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: in the interest of all this new stuff going on, we can hold off murdering anybody..
The Intern: at Readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: Bolt fell out of fashion for a few years, but I'm, glad that it's back.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Tanam: I think that's just a warlock thing.