The Intern: Welcome to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Ooh, hehe, I've got a new tagline.
Uh, what do you think of "Coffee, Cults, and Empires: the only
podcast hosted by a god"?
Hehe.
Oh yeah, that's probably too much.
Anyway, I'm back in the supply closet.
The acoustics here are honestly better than the dumpster, and ever since I
managed to get all the interns' jobs back by literally being a god who the people of
world 62C worship, I've worked out a deal.
I can still make the podcast as long as it quote, "does not interfere
with my assigned lab duties." That's hilarious, because my only assigned
lab duty has been getting coffee.
Incidentally, I have been investigating.
I'm trying to figure out why, exactly, that world started worshipping me.
I wasn't there for its creation, and I never incarnated like Olhana did--
interns aren't allowed to incarnate.
I can't think of anything I've done to make the world care about me.
I mean, there was that one time I might have accidentally put the world on a
coffee pot warmer, but it was fine!
Really, there was no serious damage, just an unusually warm season.
Extremely unusually warm.
But it was fine.
I got 62C off the coffee machine and right back into its spot
under the whiteboard, good as new.
And I think if I saw god do that with our world, it probably wouldn't be a
reason I would worship them, right?
So that's probably not why?
Oh, okay.
Um, episode, we're on, I think, episode six?
Um, last episode, our heroes played a bit more at the Gambling Hall, but then they
eventually tried to get down to business.
So, they interviewed the Captain-- the head of the guard-- who was clearly
disappointed that the investigators hadn't done much investigating so
far, and making a plan with Tagak didn't seem to count much, either.
The Captain themselves hasn't investigated the tower yet, but supports the crew
going and checking it out, if for no other reason than shutting Tagak up.
They were also clearly very uncomfortable about their second in command,
who they refer to as THE Second.
They told the group where he could be tracked down for an interview.
Then, the crew investigated a house.
Rozafeen's character, Hellena, had seen a mysterious cloaked figure
disappear during the spider attack.
But unfortunately, the visiting Mindlord has caught them poking around
the house, which is apparently his.
He couldn't have been the mysterious cloaked figure, right?
Because otherwise, how could he have also been at the hall during the attack?
So, will they get into trouble?
Will they finally get some sort of clue?
Will they, as Vafrus said, "just murder" the Mindlord if Ruffort
isn't able to handle the situation?
Let's find out!
Tanam: Like she, she calls herself the head of Hospitality, and it's kind of
funny because she's you know, like third in line to be the emperor or whatever.
And so like "Head of Hospitality" is kind of a, uh- a lot of the Hall
was her idea and she did a lot of the implementation and stuff like that.
Harmony: right So the, so the surprise is that she has a much lower
position than what she is in line for.
Tanam: Like eventually, and also like her title of "Head of Hospitality" is,
lower than she actually currently does.
She's like basically the governor of this special area that has been
established within the Empire for the purposes of having the Gambling Hall.
Harmony: And did we know that immediately upon seeing her?
Tanam: Um, so that's an interesting point.
Rozafeen: Hi, everyone.
Harmony: Hi.
Hey,
Tanam: hi-
Harmony: Rozafeen.
Thank you, finally.
Tanam had just finished explaining in extreme detail his really funny
jokes about Tanavadon and the Second.
Rozafeen: I'm sure they were hilarious.
Tanam: So when you meet the Second, who's,- so one of the
guards calls him "Ovadan" and that is politically meaningful, like,
because he is not the highest ranking Ovadan that is locally present.
So the fact that he likes to be called "Ovadan" is, like, a political thing.
Harmony: Okay, so, Tanavadon is in charge of the area, but the Second,
who is not the head of the guards, but is the second in command of the
guards, he's calling himself "Ovadan" as a way of elevating himself over
the clearly more powerful cousin.
Tanam: Yeahhhh, exactly, exactly.
so like in 2670, Tanovadon was about to-
Rozafeen: Sorry, I am so bored that I can't pay attention
enough to interrupt you.
Don: 2670, huh??
Vafrus: Hey, Tanam, can you, can you tell us about who Tanovadon is again?
I can't remember.
Don: Wait, wait, wait, Tanam, Tanam, can you make up a song about what
Tanovadan was doing last time?
Vafrus: Yeah, but what was happening-
Don: Taaaaaaaaaannnnnn
Rozafeen: This was a bad idea.
Harmony: You guys have fun, I'm leaving.
Tanam: no, come back, come back.
Harmony: Tanam, what'd we do last time?
Tanam: Last time you were investigating the room that was down where Hellena saw
the mysterious cloaked figure disappear behind during the spider attack.
Harmony: great!
Tanam: It is a one room building, which appears to be an extremely nice bedroom.
And there is a door in there seeming leading to nothing or at
least doesn't lead to the outside.
There is also a cellar door that was buried in the sand outside, exactly the
place where the person disappeared to.
And Hellena just gracefully tripped over it-
Rozafeen: what I'm, I'm, I'm, I don't
Don: don't remember.
Tanam: Hellena tripped over it just as Mindlord Trumbans arrived
and asked you what you were doing hanging out around his house.
And, nobody was scared.
Vafrus: If it's worth anything to you, DM, I'm feeling a lot less cocky now.
Rozafeen: Now that you've had a nap?
Vafrus: Yeah.
I'm not sure what I was planning on doing, but it's gone now.
Rozafeen: I'm pretty sure my face is still in the sand, so
that's a position of power.
Vafrus: Yeah.
I feel like maybe we could work that angle.
Feel like, oh yeah, your house is a trip hazard or something.
I'd'know.
Don: I like this idea.
We could perhaps sue him for-
Vafrus: yes.
Get more money.
That's probably what we need right now.
Tanam: I did want to update one thing from last time.
You kindly asked The Prince that lives inside your head to check out
the room and he came back and just gave you a sort of lackluster report.
And it is likely that he would have included, "Uh, oh yeah, there's
a portal, too, um, behind the door that doesn't go anywhere."
Vafrus: Such wisdom!
Thus it is foretold.
Ruffort might not know what foretold means.
Foretell us more about this portal.
Foretell me about your day, how you doing?
Tanam: Hey!
Look, if I foretold you once, I've foretold you a thousand times!
Vafrus: Uh, yeah, no, but do Foretell us about the portal.
What's, uh, That seems like really important, actually.
Tanam: the door is covering some sort of portal.
Vafrus: The weird cellar door that was tripped over?
Tanam: No, the weird door that's hanging on the wall inside,
doesn't seem to go anywhere.
It is covering up a portal, which is leaking magic.
Vafrus: That's pretty interesting, actually.
That's kind of funny.
That's- he's got a, a door on the wall that actually goes somewhere in this.
Tanam: So you know this and you learned this just as you are snuck up on by
the Mindlord, who wants to know what the heck you all are doing there.
Harmony: Oh, it's your house is really beautiful and we just wanted
to hang out and enjoy the scenery.
Tanam: Okay.
Will you roll me a Deception?
Harmony: Okay, I rolled an eight.
Oh, and I have a plus 10!
Tanam: He looks doubtful.
That might just be that he always looks doubtful.
so you're not sure about that.
Harmony: Oh, and I also tell him, "You look very handsome today."
Tanam: There's a slight flicker in his expression, but it mostly
just stays, like, kind of grumpy.
Harmony: Hmm.
Rozafeen: That wasn't a bluff.
My understanding is that Mindlords are hot!
Harmony: Ha ha
Tanam: He looks at you as you're saying that and there's that flicker in his
eyes and then his eyes slowly drift up to your helmet, and he says, "huh, that's
an interesting helmet you have there."
Harmony: Oh, thank you.
It was a gift from my grandmother.
Tanam: "Your grandmother, huh?"
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: I'm going to have you roll another Deception check.
Harmony: Nine!
Oh, and then a plus 10.
Tanam: Okay.
You are carefully thinking.
"Don't think about the helmet. Don't think about the helmet." And you
remember somewhat against your will, the process of exappropriating it from
the research facility in Virindale.
I guess you didn't do that yourself.
It was somebody gave it to you, right?
Harmony: Yes.
Tanam: How does Urekas remember the transaction?
Honestly?
Harmony: Of receiving the helmet?
That's a great question.
I don't know, but I think just it was a fan, gave it to her and this person
was on their deathbed and said, "I know you'll do great things with this."
Tanam: So you were likely in Virindale at the time.
Does Urekas know that it was probably stolen or does Urekas not know that?
Harmony: Urekas does not know that.
Tanam: Okay.
You do have this death bed memory.
You, unfortunately do actually clearly remember the person's face.
And the Mindlord switches his gaze down from your helmet down to your
eyes and is you can tell he saw that.
He says, "Not your grandmother, but-"
Rozafeen: I mean out of character here.
How the hell would he know if this seems like an important moment for
Justice to go sniff him in the butt.
She can get there pretty quickly and even a cheetah knows that
this situation is not going well.
Don: I'm just a little scared of the Mindlord, that was a 19
deception and he's getting this much?
Vafrus: Hard to deceive the guy who can just cheat and look at the answers like-
Don: That's fair.
Rozafeen: Yeah we need to get the hell out of here.
He has a portal, plus a thing that somebody jumped down after the
spider thing and he can read our minds; this is bad news burritos.
Tanam: I think he he's you can tell he's thinking through- Urekas,
would you like to try to look back at his surface thoughts?
Harmony: Yes, I would!
I've been afraid to, but yes.
Tanam: Okay.
So you're gonna try to look into his into his surface thoughts?
Harmony: I'm gonna succeed.
Yeah.
Tanam: Yeah.
I guess you don't a roll for that, right?
It's just--
Vafrus: That's what he did, right?
He didn't, there was no... this is, a power move of a mind reader
where you just walk up to someone-
Tanam: He recognizes the person who gave it to you.
And you get the echo of a "I always knew that guy was a traitor." In a
way where he's trying to "Yeah, I knew that all the time."
Harmony: Oh wow.
Okay.
Vafrus: This guy is special.
He can cheat to know the answers about things, but has to convince
himself that he knew them all along.
Tanam: So he looks around to everybody else and says, "Oh, wait a second. You're
all involved with the spider thing, huh?"
Vafrus: I will pipe up to say the first truthful thing I
have perhaps in my whole life.
Tanam: Do you say it in that super awkward way too?
Like-
Vafrus: Yep.
I'm like, Ooh.
An opportunity to not lie to this guy.
"Yes. That is what is going on."
Tanam: He looks over at you briefly-
Vafrus: I will focus super hard on the truth of that thing that I just
said and literally nothing else.
Tanam: "Wow, that was weird. you could just tell me what this has to
do with the investigation instead of me extracting it from you?"
Harmony: Oh, again, we really thought your place was beautiful.
Vafrus: Double down.
That's probably fine.
Don: I'm sure he'll believe it.
Rozafeen: I come on over.
It took me a while to stand up and I say "We actually have an interview
appointment that we need to head toward. But we would love to make an appointment
to talk more with you because I bet that you have lots of information that
would be helpful for our investigation."
Tanam: "I would really- I'm not here for long I'm staying out my trip, but..."
Rozafeen: Would you like to have dinner?
Vafrus: oh.
oh.
No.
Wait.
My, my heart is like rotating in my chest.
I'm like-
Harmony: I'm just smiling and nodding.
Don: I'm also gonna go with a smile and nod approach.
Vafrus: I start accidentally thinking about all my secrets.
Think about that.
Oh, don't think about that.
Oh.
Tanam: I'm assuming you're also like grabbing at your four stone pouch and-
Vafrus: Oh yeah.
Okay.
I remember that secret in particular.
And then immediately regain all of my cool.
Okay.
Actually, I'm fine.
Tanam: He looks more, at this point, bored than anything else "Very well.
I'll be taking dinner here under the canopy about an hour before it
gets dark. So feel free to come join me and we can talk some more then."
Rozafeen: "Thank you. That's very gracious of you." And I turn and walk off,
which appears to be my signature move.
Tanam: He closes the door.
Not a slam, but not softly.
it's a very much, I am done here for the moment closing doors.
Harmony: Hey so I think that went well.
Rozafeen: Yeah.
I'm doing the, I'm not running, I'm walking.
I'm walking.
Don: I'll do that too, but it still comes out as running cuz I'm really short
and it's also very clanky.
Tanam: Which way are you going?
Rozafeen: I would like to head back to where the Captain and the Second, and
that generally, oh, I keep forgetting that we're actually quite close to that,
so that, that's where I was aiming.
If someone wants to walk somewhere else, I'm negotiable.
Mostly I'm going not here.
Tanam: So you head back to the front gate.
Did you want to go and talk to the Second?
Timing wise, let's see.
It is- I can't remember.
Is it lunchtime?
Is it?
I think it's probably pushing lunchtime.
Rozafeen: Maybe we should chat over lunch about what we wanna
do about this dinner date?
Vafrus: We're fleeing town.
That's what-
Don: I don't know about fleeing.
We're pursuing a lead.
Vafrus: This brisk walk that we're taking.
We're just gonna keep doing it.
Tanam: As a reminder, you have time for a not impolitely
short meal with the Mindlord.
And then meeting up with Tagak.
Don: Is it that close to- I thought it was more lunch instead of dinner.
Tanam: So you have in between lunch and dinner.
Vafrus: We can make the appointment that we made just now...
Don: I, I would like to make an appointment with some
what are they called now?
Vafrus: You talking about my fancy bag of rocks?
Don: The bag of rocks that prevents the Mindlord from-
Vafrus: yes.
Tanam: This is a secret that spreads within Virindale.
Vafrus: Okay.
Here's what we do.
We gotta find five strangers, kidnap them, and brainwash 'em
into thinking that they're us.
Harmony: I like this.
I like this.
Don: Considering we have Urekas,
Harmony: Okay, but we're not using my followers.
Rozafeen: How about we talk to the Second so that we actually are going to an
interview in case anybody reads our mind later, and then after that we get some
food and we talk to each other about which of us we're gonna send to this dinner.
I think we should probably not send the whole contingents.
Vafrus: it should probably be me.
Yeah, Ruffort feels great about this plan.
Harmony: I'll go with you.
Vafrus: You absolutely should not.
Rozafeen: We don't.
We don't need to make any decisions yet.
Harmony: Okay.
So between my charisma and your quick wittedness...
Don: That guy can just read our freaking minds.
My armor doesn't do anything against reading my mind.
Vafrus: Okay,
Don: I don't like this.
Vafrus: Next plan.
We poison the guy.
Mind reading doesn't help with that.
Don: unless he knows that we're gonna poison him because he read our minds.
Vafrus: Whoever is doing the poisoning has to not be there.
The rest of us have to forget about it right now.
Don: So none of us can be there and the person who's doing it
can't know that they're doing it.
So we need a double blind poisoner.
Urekas, do you think you can work this out with a follower?
Harmony: Nah-ah Maybe with an ex-follower.
Rozafeen: What we need is someone who doesn't have a lot to hide.
That's all.
Vafrus: Guys.
I'm immune to the magic.
I can go to the meeting and know that he's poisoning.
It'll be fine.
Don: You're immune?!
How are you immune?
Vafrus: I've got my ways.
I told you I'm- I come from the far off Kingdom of Virindale.
It's, yeah.
It's fine.
Rozafeen: Honestly, I think that Georg is probably the
person with the fewest secrets.
What do you think Georg?
Don: I think I have very few secrets, but now I have this whole thing where
I know that I'm gonna wanna poison him, but then I don't wanna poison him
because I know that he knows that I know that I'm gonna be poisoning him.
Vafrus: Don't worry, Georg.
We're not poisoning him.
I wink at everyone.
Don: Oh, good.
Rozafeen: I say this with love.
Disregard everything that Ruffort said.
Harmony: Yeah.
I want him to live.
I don't want him to die.
Don: Why do you want him to live?
Because I want him to die.
Harmony: Oh, don't say that.
Because his property is so beautiful and it needs a handsome
man like him to tend to it.
Don: It wasn't really that pretty, guys it was-
Tanam: The room was
Don: nice, inside.
Real mediocre.
Yeah, the room was really nice inside, but the outside was just a box.
Rozafeen: so maybe not Georg then.
Urekas?
Harmony: Yes.
Rozafeen: Can you go be nice to this guy and not have a lot of secrets?
Is that something you can do?
Harmony: Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Rozafeen: Okay, great.
Vafrus: Oh man.
Do I share my super secret bag of rocks with my doomed party member?
Oh!
Tanam: Okay.
This is something that Ruffort can think about for the next four hours or so.
Do some other stuff in the meantime...
Vafrus: Let's actually just talk about what we found there.
So we were investigating there in the first place because Hellena
saw something interesting.
Is this party knowledge or did I even know why we were there?
Rozafeen: I think you got told.
Whether or not you were listening...
Vafrus: Okay.
Rozafeen: You as Ruffort, not you, as you.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm with ya.
, I know you have a deep and abiding respect for my character.
So yeah, we were there for some reason, and we did find
some interesting stuff, right?
Having your own special mirror on the wall, it was a mirror portal, right?
Tanam: They don't know that; you haven't told them.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
So, But that's weird.
That's- even for a Mindlord.
That's kind of a big deal, right?
Tanam: it was not necessarily even a mirror portal.
The report that you got was just that it was a portal.
You might have assumed it was a mirror.
Vafrus: Yeah, I guess I'm not super aware of other kinds of portals that exist.
If someone's figured out a non mirror way to portal themselves
places that's pretty good.
And then there was this cellar that apparently goes somewhere.
These are things that we just- basically this place is special.
Tanam: So you don't know about the cellar yet.
Cuz Hellena hasn't told you all about that.
Vafrus: Okay.
So I'm gonna just start initiating a conversation about this place.
"He's got a portal on the wall that goes somewhere."
Rozafeen: And he has a trap door in the sand that definitely goes
somewhere that somebody went into the night of the spiders.
So you put those things together and it doesn't look great.
Don: Wait, he has a mirror portal?
We haven't seen those in years.
In many years.
Vafrus: In, in my heart, I am realizing that Hellena might have been right.
That lady in the desert isn't the only one that we need to kill right now.
And I just really don't like that that, could have been partially
wrong about something and I'm-
Don: look as, as into poisoning him as I was, which I wasn't, I didn't
like the idea of poisoning him, but I thought that I would be you know what?
No.
I don't, do we need to kill him?
Vafrus: Oh, I'm sad that it's not this sort of group.
I was excited that it was this sort of group.
I thought we were onto something and then like we have expressly
said we're not, and I'm like, "oh."
Don: Look, it wouldn't be the first time that somebody asked me to put
something special in that someone else's coffee at a certain time, and I haven't
really ever taken 'em up on it in the past and it's caused me some trouble.
So I don't know.
I'd like to stay away from it if it's at all possible.
Rozafeen: we just, we don't know very much about this guy.
Honestly.
I think we sincerely need to send someone who is interested in him as
a person, what he's been up to lately.
Favorite hobbies, bonus points if they think he's hot.
Harmony: Oh, so it's gonna be like a date.
Okay.
Don: I feel like it's rock, paper, scissors between you and Urekass.
Rozafeen: It's true.
I do keep talking about how hot the man is.
Harmony: Yeah.
You do have a cheetah that can help protect you if something happens.
Don: And guys think cheetahs are hot, right?
Rozafeen: depends on the guy.
Don: Ah.
Rozafeen: I give you a sideways glance and a "I don't wanna
talk about it" head shake.
Harmony: Or you and the cheetah could go and the- or you could go and the
cheetah and I can hide in the bushes.
Tanam: In the scrub.
Don: Isn't he gonna notice that your head is there, or your mind, not your head.
He'll know that your head is there with your mind.
Harmony: If it's a really good bush costume, like I put the bush on
top of me and then, when he, like, blinks, like we move a little bit.
Don: He's gonna be like, it's a thinking bush.
That's weird.
This shrubbery wants to spy on me.
That's all it keeps thinking about.
Tanam: The poor Captain is gonna get reports of now not just spying
birds, but spying bushes as well.
Rozafeen: What's really happening here is the drama of how
difficult it is to be a Mindlord.
Tanam: So Ruffort has conveyed the portal thing.
Hellena, you talked about the cellar door thing do you want to keep chatting?
Vafrus: I guess we're moving on.
Ruffort's just stewing about how Hellena was right.
Rozafeen: I think that we should go have an awkward interaction with the Second.
Tanam: two for two.
Rozafeen: It's not gonna be smooth.
"Hi, what are you up to?" "Nothing.
Something perfectly normal.
Why do you ask?"
Tanam: "Okay, so you were told by the Captain that the Second's house
was not in the guards' barracks where everybody else is, but north of there.
And that's all over on the east side of the Hall.
It is not far.
Do you want to head on over there?
Harmony: Let's do it.
Tanam: So you are at the gate back a bit, having this conversation.
Does not look like anyone was spying on you.
You realized belatedly that you were having this conversation about
possibly poisoning people in public in front of the gate at lunchtime.
Harmony: Wait, you made this conversation about not poisoning people.
Tanam: Yeah, exactly.
So you turn to the east and you can see up ahead, the guards barracks
are there and it's very clearly meant to be obvious that it's there.
A reminder that "hey, the guards are right here." Which makes it a little
bit frustrating that they didn't help more with the spider situation.
And so you get to the end of the wall and look up to the north and the
barracks go for a little bit, there's some space with nothing there, and
then you see the Second's residence.
As the Captain noted, there is no mistaking it, it is a big grandiose
mansion, with a walled garden behind it.
This is not the house of the second in charge of the guard . This
is a noble's manor house.
Do you want to go to the front door or do you have other things in mind?
Harmony: I feel like front door is good.
Rozafeen: Before we go up to the front door- you gave description
of the place already, but, if we want to take a hard look around?
Tanam: There's probably some servant's entrance somewhere.
But from this side, it's not obvious.
Rozafeen: Okay.
And there's no pets that we wouldn't expect.
Or a big green sign saying, "I miss my grandma," or whatever.
Tanam: it's just, a nice manor house.
Rozafeen: Yeah, front door sounds good.
Tanam: There is a gate that's not as ostentatious as the rest of the
house, uh, at least three Georgs tall.
Don: I'm a unit of measurement now.
Tanam: it is closed.
Harmony: Oh, I just start knocking on the gate and I'm like-
Tanam: So just like banging on the metal gate?
Harmony: Yeah.
Or "Hi handsome!" Is what I say.
Like, "yoohoo hi, handsome!"
Tanam: You make a racket for a while.
You see the front door open up and a person who's just whole
manner exudes Fussy Butler.
That is like the, all you see when you look at them is Fancy Butler.
Harmony: I, I find a flower and I pick it and I put it in my
hair and then I wink at him.
Tanam: At the butler?
Harmony: Yeah, yeah.
Tanam: It is like you are winking at a wall.
Coming out and coming to the gate; does not beyond that,
acknowledge that you are there.
Harmony: Hrm okay.
Tanam: Comes to the gate looks over the group of you and looks a
little bit, like, put out, in a as subservient as a way as possible.
Just in case.
Vafrus: I'm annoyed at you, but you might be in charge of me.
Tanam: "yes."
Harmony: Oh, hello.
We have an appointment.
Tanam: "No, that is just patently false."
Harmony: Nuh-uh.
Tanam: "Would you like to make one?"
Harmony: Ubwah it's right now.
I know it's right now.
Rozafeen: I say, "we are here to see," can't remember the guy's name.
Tanam: Okay.
So you can you can call him, "The Second," other people just called him
"Ovadan." You know that his name is "Deenovadan," but, so far you have heard
him called "The Second" and just "Ovadan."
Rozafeen: Okay, I'm gonna say "We're here to see Ovadan on official investigatory
business. Thank you for your assistance."
Tanam: "Very well. Please stay here. I shall see if he is in." He heads back
up to the house and closes the door.
Harmony: Nice save See, this is why I think you should meet with-
Rozafeen: I think that it'll be way funnier if you meet with the
Mindlord, that's where I'm going.
Don: am sorry we're meeting with who?
Harmony: Ok you've got to give me a list of questions to ask.
Vafrus: "How did you get so handsome?"
Rozafeen: I think Urekas, Mindlord, bowl of popcorn.
Tanam: As you are discussing this, the door opens again and the butler
comes back out and, says, "He is in and will see you now." And opens the
gate from the inside and lets you in.
He shows you up to the house.
Stop me at any time if you want to do something different.
I'm just going to assume that you follow him et cetera.
Rozafeen: I'm casually looking around for alternative
entrances, filing that info away.
Tanam: anything else?
Harmony: I'm looking to see if there's anyone hot.
Rozafeen: Theme for the night.
Tanam: No additional people are spotted yet.
I will let you know.
Harmony: Okay.
Tanam: Do I need to start including this in the description?
Harmony: Yeah.
Or,
Vafrus: Just a number out of 10, just to-
Harmony: are there any like, photos of anybody hot?
Rozafeen: Yeah.
Are there ancestors with good cheekbones?
Tanam: So you come up to the front he opens the door for you.
Gestures you in.
The front entrance area is just ridiculous.
it probably takes up a decent percentage of the house; it's a big house, but
this is like a very large entrance area.
"More than you make in your lifetime." is the aesthetic.
Harmony: Oh wow.
Tanam: it is designed very obviously to indicate wealth and lord it over you.
Harmony: Okay.
Is this the kind of place like, would anyone notice if I just put anything in my
pocket that I liked, like something small?
Tanam: There's not a lot of activity, so you don't see a lot of people around.
You have a feeling that the butler is probably keeping a close eye on you.
So it's probably pretty risky to be dropping candolabras in your pocket.
Harmony: Okay.
Hands are in my pockets and I just, it's normal.
I'm like whistling a little bit.
Tanam: Off to the left there is an open door, which looks like it
leads into kind of an office area.
The Butler, without you noticing, although was holding the door
while you came in, has managed to close the door and get in front of
you and is indicating over to the left and leads you into the office.
Behind a big desk at the other end of the-- again, just like needlessly
ornate office- it doesn't look like there's a whole lot of actual
work that is done here, probably.
There's no evidence of things getting done.
This is an office for receiving people in.
Behind the big desk, with no other chairs in the room, is seated the Second.
He is reading some papers that are on the desk and does
not look up when you come in.
Harmony: Ok well I say loudly.
"Hey, this place could use more color."
Tanam: He looks up and is doing his best impression of looking interrupted
"I think that it has precisely the right amount of color, thank you."
Rozafeen: I lean against a wall, and I say "It doesn't have precisely the
right amount of chairs. Hi, by the way."
Vafrus: I briefly consider changing my face to be the Mindlord before
deciding, no, I probably shouldn't get that complicated, but-
Tanam: so he um, leans back a bit and he's wearing his breastplate, which is weird.
Vafrus: Is there any way we could trick this guy into going to the meeting for us?
Tanam: He didn't do a very good job of in a rush, putting it on.
Before, he had some nice robes on underneath it.
And he might be wearing a, a dressing gown underneath the breastplate.
Leaning back in the, with the breastplate on, he awkwardly thinks better of it
and sits back up and puts his arms down on the desk and like a, way.
And it just fumbles around for a second or so, but it's just incredibly awkward.
And he says "You have something regarding the investigation
you'd like to report?"
Rozafeen: I say, "Actually, we came because we could use your assistance
and your intelligence. It is obvious that you are a person who is in the
know and who really has your sights on what's going on around here, and we
feel like we just keep hitting walls."
Tanam: Could you roll a persuasion?
Rozafeen: Sure.
Let me look up whether I'm any good at that first.
Rolling.
Yes!
Tanam: Oh wow.
Okay.
My heart just stopped.
Okay.
Rozafeen: I promise I'm not doing the thing where I'm like, "oh, look at
that. It's a nat 20." it's a nat 20!
Tanam: Wow.
Okay.
What's your...
Rozafeen: Plus five.
Tanam: "I could imagine that you might be having some trouble with Pakdaovan
in charge of the investigation."
Rozafeen: So just as a parenthetical, my plan here is to keep leaning
against the wall and let this guy monologue if he seems so inclined.
Tanam: Haha yeah.
let's see.
I don't know if you know who Pakdaovan is, but from the way that he spits it
and the fact that he's saying "in charge of the investigation," you assume that
he's maybe talking about the Captain.
Using someone's personal name in this situation is
definitely a intentional slight.
"That spider attack was unacceptable. Frankly, it is unacceptable that
Pakdaovan is still in charge here."
Rozafeen: That, that makes some sense to me.
Have you learned anything yet about what was going on that
evening that led up to things?
Tanam: He seems to consider for a moment and- could you roll an insight?
Rozafeen: Okay.
That was less glorious.
Hold on.
Lemme look at my... that's a 16.
Tanam: He seems to be considering his answer.
Rozafeen: Does he wanna share with us that he wet his boxers or not?
Tanam: "I am not officially involved with the investigation at this point. I
can say that my network has definitely-"
Vafrus: "my network,"
he might legitimately have a network.
I still wouldn't believe him about that.
Rozafeen: "That one breakfast guy thinks."
Tanam: "...is quite convinced that those spiders are definitely
not from around here." and it's awkward cuz you're all standing on
like the other end of this room and he's leaning over conspiratorially.
Harmony: Wait, how much space is between us and him?
Tanam: Probably a good 15 feet.
Harmony: Oh wow.
There's just there us alright
Don: I didn't realize we were on the other side of a room, like a big room.
Tanam: He's on the other end of the room, in the desk.
And you came in and leaned against the wall and insulted the furnishings and...
Vafrus: This is the best thing that has happened so far.
Tanam: and, so he leans like conspiratorially, which would like,
make sense if you were standing nearby.
But like the gesture is just weirdly out of place given the distance.
Vafrus: This is amazing.
This guy is my new favorite.
We gotta adopt him, everyone.
Tanam: "I don't know. Maybe... I would hate for it to be the case,
but I wouldn't put it past Pakdaovan to maybe be involved in this."
Vafrus: Yeah, that seems legit.
Tanam: "I don't know if you could trust them."
Harmony: I start to get like passive aggressive.
Like I do a wall-sit.
Vafrus: How long can you maintain it?
Those- those are brutal.
Tanam: Oh, yeah, that's-
Harmony: I have some good quads.
I wear heels.
Tanam: okay.
Yeah.
I'll get you to roll a Constitution.
Harmony: Do I get to add anything to it?
Cause I rolled a two.
Tanam: Constitution modifier?
Vafrus: Those heels slip.
Harmony: my Constitution is a plus two, so four?
Tanam: Yeah.
You try to get passive aggressive.
You like go into a wall sit and it gets super uncomfortable real quick.
I'll say do a Performance check.
Harmony: okay.
Well my Performance is plus 10, 11.
So 11 plus 10
Tanam: So 21.
Okay.
you go into a wall sit, trying to be passive aggressive at him,
and instantly realize that it was a bad idea and that angle just does
not work for you at the moment.
And you turn it into a bounce back up so you just bumped your butt against
his wall but with that Performance check, you do manage to make it look
like it was totally intentional.
And this is just like a, showing maybe a little bit of disrespect or something.
Harmony: Cool.
Rozafeen: Okay, so internal thoughts.
I don't think we're gonna get anything out of this guy
trying to figure out how to get outta here without being rude.
Vafrus: Yeah.
More and more, I'm realizing the presence of the Mindlord means that
either the Mindlord did it, or literally nobody else here is to blame like-
Tanam: do you want to prompt him with anything that you found?
Or do you just wanna try to disengage?
Rozafeen: I am curious, actually.
I say, "Could you remind us about the Mindlord's visit. I understand
that it's brief and the Mindlord seemed a bit perturbed last night.
Do you have any insights about that?"
Tanam: Wow.
He just keeps on... he, says "I, I, I don't quite understand what
you're asking. Are you- do you think that Mindlord Trumbans is involved?"
Rozafeen: Oh, heavens no!
It's simply that he seems like a very important person during his time
here and knowing background about his interactions with this area and how
long he's staying and the best ways to interface with him if we cross paths
again could be really helpful just to make sure that we are properly respectful.
Tanam: "I... First off recommend leaving him alone. He's, uh, a, uh, excellent
friend of the Hall and generally enjoys his visits here and comes back and
we would like to keep it that way."
Harmony: Yeah, for sure.
Just random question, is he seeing anyone?
Rozafeen: love you.
Tanam: Let's see.
How does he, oh, he, okay.
So he seems about to like, try to pretend that he doesn't know what you mean, fails
miserably, and starts to say "Well of course! He's Mindlord Trumbans. He's
seeing lots of- no, none of your business
I fail to understand why it is that we are still talking about the Mindlord."
Vafrus: Sorry I have discovered I have an obligation I need to attend to.
Ruffort will continue to just sullenly think thoughts to himself as he does,
as he has pretty much this whole time.
Apologize for bowing out.
Tanam: Okay, we'll finish up the scene and fill you in.
Vafrus: Okay I continue to say basically nothing to him but
think that this is going great.
Tanam: Okay.
yeah, so he, kind of not really recovers.
And, is let me, gets the weirdest rolls.
Um, okay.
Yeah, he recovers.
Rozafeen: I say, "Back to what you said a bit ago... in the event-- and I don't
wanna accuse anyone, but since I take your opinion so seriously -- in the event that
name I can't remember... the Captain, but I use the informal version like he did.
Tanam: Oh, okay.
Rozafeen: -might be behind something.
Who do you think might help them with that kind of venture?
Tanam: "Oh, That's a good question.
I don't have any reason to suspect anybody else in the guard, but I could
imagine that there were, well, you know, those spiders were not from around here.
They don't have a large amount of resources, so they would probably
be working with some bad actor from afar to get them here."
Harmony: I'm feeling suspicious.
Can I do some detect thoughts with my fantastic helm?
Tanam: Yes.
When did you start doing that?
Harmony: Uh, like five seconds ago.
no, sorry.
I started doing it as soon as I asked if he was seeing someone.
I'm behind on my thoughts.
Tanam: Okay I'll let you retcon that especially since you haven't
said anything in the meantime.
So when you mentioned "is he seeing anyone?"
Harmony: Huhm
Tanam: you get an image of the Mindlord- and this is from clearly from like the
Second's perspective- and it's right out in front of the Mindlord's place.
They're sitting on the cushions around one of the tables.
And there's a couple of other people there that in the memory are just
vague and register to you as hot.
Harmony: Ooo cool!
Tanam: That's just, like the...
Harmony: heh he
Tanam: The Second's memory of this is just.
"Had dinner with the Mindlord, with some hot people,"
Harmony: Alright.
Tanam: Literally does not remember their faces or anything about
them, except that they were hot.
Harmony: So I know that the Mindlord likes hot people.
That's good.
Tanam: I'll say you also get a image of, in from what looks like inside the room.
The Mindlord is there with another just generic hot person.
And the feeling that you get is that the Second was showing
the room to the Mindlord.
So that's what you get.
Harmony: Okay.
The Second was showing the room to the Mindlord?
Okay.
Tanam: Yes.
And then now we are- So in the meantime, so then he caught himself and then
Hellena asked about the Captain.
when Hellena asked about the Captain, you just get a general
impression of The Captain.
There's no digging even that you need to do.
It is just right there.
The Second is definitely super jealous of the Captain and wants their job.
Also thinks that he deserves the job.
Harmony: I, I mask my expression.
I just smile like I didn't, okay.
I don't know anything.
Rozafeen: I am trying to think if there's anything else that I wanna
know before we get the heck outta here.
Tanam: so yeah he is, he's just explained to you the Captain, if they were working
with someone, there's probably be someone outside who could get the spiders because
the Captain clearly can't afford it.
Rozafeen: That's what I was gonna ask.
"I know that this is gonna sound a little bit silly.
but for multiple reasons, we wanted to go and check out the situation at the
Sorceress's tower, and I was wondering if there's anything that you can tell us
about the Sorceress, whether she's been a friend to the city, or if there're
any particular things that we should do to make ourself known so that we
don't get zapped, like zucchini's.
don't know why I said zucchinis."
Tanam: "I'm pretty sure that there isn't a tower. And, honestly, I
think that you're probably better off not talking to Tagak about this.
She has some very particular ideas."
Rozafeen: I certainly don't think that Tagak's theories about what
happens are likely to prove 100% true.
However, if there is a, in fact, with tower or without tower, a powerful
Sorceress nearby, that seems like someone who could provide us with insights about
the kind of magic that somebody else might use to transport spiders here.
Tanam: "Yeah, that would probably be the case if there was in
fact a sorcerer nearby. But..."
Rozafeen: Oh, I see.
There's not just no tower.
There might be no such person.
Tanam: "I believe that is probably the case that Tagak's girlfriend
has a birth mother that lives with her, and that's probably true.
So there's probably a person.
Whether two of them live two hour walk out into the desert.
That's a different thing entirely.
Yeah I would recommend against going, but you're gonna have to protect yourself from
the desert more than you're gonna have to protect yourself from some sorcerer
throwing fireballs at you from a tower."
Rozafeen: Thank you very much.
Harmony: Yes, thank you.
Don: Thanks.
Tanam: "Report to me again, if you if you find anything, please."
Harmony: will do.
Rozafeen: I just nod.
Harmony: I'm jealous of how sophisticated that nod was.
Tanam: The butler is, suddenly standing in front of you.
You see him just slip into your field of view, between you and
the desk, and, indicates for you to head back out the way you came.
Assuming that you're not gonna try to swipe anything on the way out...
Harmony: Yeah, I thought about asking to use the bathroom, but I decide against it.
Tanam: So you head on out.
You're back on the walkway between the manor house and the, and the wall.
Harmony: Okay.
That went well.
Rozafeen: That went surprisingly well.
Harmony: Yeah, it was pretty smooth.
Don: Did we learn anything useful?
I think we just learned that he's not useful.
Rozafeen: Pretty much, yeah.
Tanam: Does Urekas share any of the things that she learned?
Harmony: Oh yes.
"Hey, I want you to know something. I used the helm and
the Captain likes hot people."
Tanam: You mean the Mindlord?
Harmony: Yes.
Rozafeen: probably both.
Don: I am astounded at the revelation.
Tanam: Does Urekas share any of the other things that she learned, are we
making a hard, character choice there?
Harmony: makin' a hard character choice.
Don: Well, I'm so glad that helm revealed vital information.
Rozafeen: Does the Mindlord like a rotating series of different hot
people for say, short periods of time?
Harmony: Yeah.
Yeah, the Mindlord seemed to like a variety of hot people.
I guess I should get ready for my date.
Rozafeen: Yes, you should.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: You guys have fun, I'm leaving.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Cheetahs are hot, right?
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles, but it's just one
picture of his cat's eye and a drinking bird sipping a cocktail.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: It sounds like you're asking Tanam to tell you all about Tanovadan...
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: just peer into the mind of Charles Xavier- oh, sorry.
No, never reference this.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of
roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: come back
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern.
Check out my drag king account @woody.banter.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song.
Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Find more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Don: 26 and 70, Tanovadan changed the area, but the Second who wasn't
even the head of the guards did something, something, something.
Yeah,
Harmony: this is not a musical.
Don: Absolutely a musical.