The Intern: Hi everyone, I'm your host, the Intern. Welcome back to Coffee, Cults, and Empires, and welcome to me being back inside the lab for the first time since the dumpster fire- last episode. I don't know how or why I got invited back in, but they asked me to meet in this conference room I'm just outside of.
They're already in there, but I'm gonna record this live for all of you to hear, just in case. I'm gonna put this recorder in my pocket and walk inside now. This just might be the last time you hear from me, so wish me luck!
Boss: Ah, there you are, The Intern. Glad someone as important as you could join us mere mortals.
The Intern: Hi, boss. Thanks, I think? Is there anything I can do for you?
Boss: Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused? How much you've cost this company?
The Intern: Uh, is this about your coffee mug?
Boss: That was you! Urgh!
The Intern: I'm sorry!
Boss: No, This is about how you're being worshiped as a god.
The Intern: I am? By who? Did my podcast get that many listeners? I mean, I get some pretty good fan mail but I don't know-
Boss: podcast? You actually made-? "Oh, look at these super smart itty bitty petri professors." They know the world's ending so what do these heroes do? They play D and D. "Let's pretend to save the world while we sit on our tiny asses playing with tiny dolls."
The Intern: I mean, it's not really like that. I think it's charming, and they realize- Wait, did you say they think I'm a god?
Boss: Yeah. I have no idea what you did to get them on your side, but someone left a note on the whiteboard that we fired you, and now the whole stupid petri dish refuses to cooperate. We can't get a single thing done, and management won't let us throw it out until all the experiments are complete. Now I'm getting blamed for your screw ups. As much as this pisses me off, we need you to come back.
The Intern: Why?
Boss: The experiment refuses to respond to any of our inputs until the petri people hear from "the Intern." That's you, asshole.. And I guess they recognize your "visage" because we tried replicating your, uh, fashion choices on a different intern and it caused a riot. So, come back to work.
The Intern: Will you pay me now?
Boss: Absolutely not.
The Intern: Will you at least let me record the podcast?
Harmony: Hey!
Vafrus: Hey! welcome back everyone.
Harmony: That was wild.
Don: Yeah,
Tanam: yeah.
Rozafeen: Um, what?
Harmony: the, the strike.
Don: you know.
Vafrus: The whole world was on... I mean, What have you been up to, Rozafeen?
Rozafeen: I mean, when I research, I get deep. So, I haven't gone out of my house in like, I don't know-
Vafrus: oh, goodness. Oh, okay. Okay. We've got, we got a story for you. So, We found the only person in the world who doesn't already know. This is amazing.
Tanam: Yeah... this is-
Rozafeen: Doesn't know what?
Harmony: I feel so smart right now.
Don: The whole world stopped working for like, I don't know, a few weeks?
Tanam: So, for some reason, they-
Vafrus: They the gods. All the gods.
Tanam: The other ones committed the Intern to the flames.
Rozafeen: What the hell does that mean?
Vafrus: They're burning the Intern.
Tanam: like, that's what they told us- was that they committed the Intern to the flames, and like, you know, as best as we could figure out, they'd like tossed him in a fire or something? We don't know.
Rozafeen: Like a kiln?
Tanam: I don't know.
Vafrus: The whole, the whole world went bananas. And I was like terrified because I'm like, guys, you know, the gods can like destroy the world if you're, but it worked out, it worked out, they like, they brought the Intern back.
Harmony: This is not a laughing matter, Vafrus.
Vafrus: I mean, on this end of it... you know, you're right. At the time I was like, "oh, oh no, this is, this is gonna be real bad." But now, it's kind of funny. Like, then?
Tanam: Yeah, I'm... I'm in a weird state. I was in a very... I was in a very bad place and, like. It's very weird that we were able to get the gods to reverse that, like, and how did they even do it? How do you get someone out of the flames when you, when you commit them to the flames?
Vafrus: They're they're gods. They can do- oh yeah, Harmony, you were like one of the main people was like marching in the streets, right? Like you had a-
Harmony: Yes, I was. I didn't notice you marching with me, but that's okay. You're welcome.
Vafrus: I mean, no, I was busy hiding. I was like, I thought you were all gonna get like, burned or something. I wanted to like, clearly not be in the line of fire.
Harmony: That's right. I risked my life. I risked my skin. I fell days behind on my skincare routine while letting people- this is not a laughing matter. I said, people were taking my picture. I wasn't washing my face. You're welcome.
Don: We're welcome? See pictures of your unclean face?
Harmony: How dare you!
Don: I mean, I don't know. You didn't have to get pictures.
Harmony: Oh, well, people were taking them, as usual, because I was doing something important.
Don: Yeah, I guess.
Rozafeen: How you know that marching in the streets with an unclean face is the reason that the Intern was, uh, Uh, I guess we could say "unfired?"
Tanam: fired?
Vafrus: Unfired.
Rozafeen: Like, put in a fire, taken out of- I I don't know.
Harmony: Well, it's, it's, it's tough work. Sometimes it feels like just putting a tiny spoon into the water and transferring water from one cup to another. I don't know if any of you have done that before, but, you know, it's tough work. We all did our part. I did a big part. So.
Rozafeen: You lost me with the spoons in the water.
Harmony: You're welcome.
Don: I mean, I for one am glad the gods kinda had to eat crow on this one. They've kinda, they've had free reign for too long.
Tanam: I mean-
Rozafeen: Were you out in the streets messaging the gods as well, Don?
Don: Uh, I mean, I I had other things to do, but I was making my disagreements known. And, you know, they sit up there on their thrones and come down once in a while to laugh at us.
Rozafeen: I don't know that there's thrones. I- do we know that there's thrones? I don't think there's thrones.
Don: It's a figure of speach.
Rozafeen: Okay.
Tanam: No, like, okay. So there's disagreement in the scriptures about whether there's actual physical thrones, or whether those are metaphors. There was a really interesting Commentary that came out relatively recently that said that the thrones are actually both metaphorical thrones and physical thrones, that I really enjoyed, but, um, Anyhow.
Vafrus: Let's play some D&D!
Rozafeen: Rolly thrones. Sit on them and go weee!
Tanam: What?!
Don: That's exactly what you do on a throne. Yeah.
Rozafeen: That's what I do on my throne every day. I sit on it and I spin in a circle and I go weee!
Tanam: I think I've had like committed enough blasphemy in the last-
Don: Oh, come on. What's a little more blasphemy?
Tanam: I-
Vafrus: Yeah, look, apparently works. They must like it.
Don: It's for a cause.
Rozafeen: I don't want to see Tanam's head explode. Poor Tanam.
Vafrus: Okay, sorry, Tanam.
Tanam: Okay. Yeah, let's, let's, uh, Let's get back into the game.
Don: Uh, what happened last time? I was too busy with the whole, uh, gods thing.
Rozafeen: Who am I? Where am I?
Don: Questions I ask every day, but really today.
Tanam: You'll catch up.
Tanam: We were at the Hall of Mirrors, right?
Rozafeen: Mm hmm.
Tanam: Okay. But, uh, Rozafeen and I talked and she took a ring there and actually it's, oh,
Rozafeen: Hellena, Hellena took a ring there.
Tanam: oh, that's right. Okay. Do you want to
Rozafeen: want me to just, do you want me to just explain? Yeah, let's do that. Basically, I have a thing that facilitates slaps via nature for Ruffort. If Ruffort is making my companion talk, or if Ruffort is offering to kill people who maybe haven't done anything wrong yet, something is gonna come up and slap him.
Don: Is it like the same thing every time or is it just like, sometimes it's a tree branch that whips back at him? Sometimes it's a bat that flies down and just whacks him with a wing a few times.
Rozafeen: It's gonna be a variety to keep it fresh. And I'm telling you all, but Hellena is not actually going to tell the group until such time as it becomes a little obvious.
Don: Ah, understood.
Tanam: I should, note that, it is a, it is a cantrip, and it is not specifically targeted at Ruffort.
Rozafeen: Oh, sure. I, there are many other people who may end up being slapped.
Vafrus: Question is, will Ruffort with his incredibly low perception, understand that this is a thing that's happening on purpose?
Rozafeen: I mean, sometimes learning takes a lot of repetition.
Vafrus: Excellent.
Don: I feel like it's one of those things like, you know, if you get to, if I yell at my cat quickly enough after he did something bad, he understands that that was connected, but if I wait two or three seconds, then it might be too long. My cat has a really low wisdom score, is what I'm saying.
Rozafeen: My cat knows, she just doesn't care.
Don: That might be it, too.
Tanam: Did anybody else have side quests that they wanted to go on? That we can clear up right now? Did you want to go and talk to somebody, just by yourself, or anything like that?
Vafrus: Can I repeatedly throw my leather armor into the mirrors until it turns to dust or something cool? I mean, it's effectively garbage now. So if it, gets good, great. If it disappears, actually better than it is now, I don't want to carry it.
Tanam: Normally the fees slow people down on that.
Vafrus: I'm hearing a yes.
Harmony: Yeah, we don't have fees!
Vafrus: "Those same wind chimes for the 50th time."
Rozafeen: I think that leather armor goes right back in.
Tanam: They are passing through mirrors. So, all the normal, like, even though they do sometimes come out generally better, if you pass them through the mirror too many times, that's probably not going to be great for it. I think a few more times is probably a thing that you could do.
Vafrus: I am, fully willing to sacrifice this gear on the slim chance that it turns great. Even if it like, turns into a monster and starts attacking me, this is also an acceptable risk.
Tanam: I think I might need to mess with the mechanics a bit.
Vafrus: Yes. Yes. Make your, make your rolling table such that it- All right.
Don: You throw it in again and it just becomes a leather bikini, and then after that it's just like a little strip of leather.
Vafrus: Kept the bikini. That's perfect. It's back up to a plus two bonus once it's a bikini.
Tanam: Anybody else have things that they'd like to do before the group reconvenes?
Harmony: Oh, uh, if we got the chocolate fountains already, then I'd be curious about throwing my chocolate fountain at the mirrors.
Vafrus: Yes.
Don: I love this so much.
Vafrus: Yes. How many sheets can you get through the mirrors before they say something?
Tanam: Y'all have just gotten back from the Hall of Mirrors and Urekas when you come back to your room, there is a present waiting for you on your table there. There is in fact a chocolate fountain, uh, and it's got chocolate, already streaming in it. It seems to maybe have a mild enchantment on it to keep it fountaining.
Harmony: Fun! Does it have my name on it?
Tanam: No, it does not. There's a folded card in front of it, and that says, "Urkeas's chocolate fountain."
Harmony: Okay, fine. Uh, does it have any fruits, any waffles, any...
Tanam: There is a platter of, it looks like, relatively freshly cut fruit, artfully arranged next to it.
Harmony: Okay. Oh wait, no one's watching. I'm just gonna put my tongue in the chocolate.
Tanam: It is very good chocolate. A little bit gets on your, uh, on your nose.
Harmony: Oh, I look so cute when that happens.
Tanam: Okay, you had said that you wanted to possibly throw--
Harmony: Yes. It better not come back as white chocolate. I'm gonna be mad.
Tanam: Are you taking a cup of the chocolate, or are you gonna put the whole--
Harmony: Oh yeah, the whole foutain.
Tanam: Okay. It's not a huge chocolate fountain. It is a good size chocolate fountain. Your strength is not super awful, right?
Harmony: My strength? Oh, um, my strength is a minus one.
Tanam: Okay. Um, okay. we'll say that it is, is a bit, it's a bit heavy for you.
Harmony: Oh, my followers can carry it.
Tanam: Okay. Do you even try or do you just look at it and make your will known?
Harmony: I, I make my will known.
Tanam: Okay. A few of them pick it up and look at you expectantly.
Harmony: Oh, yes. "Uh, please carry the chocolate fountain to the Great Gambling Hall of Mirrors, and then we'll all enjoy even more chocolate."
Tanam: You head over there. You go up to the desk and it's not been that long since you were last here. The same person is still at the table and looks very surprised and a little bit concerned.
Harmony: I just go, "Hiiii!"
Tanam: "Hello. Uh, I take it you'd like to put, uh, you'd like to put this into the, uh, into the mirrors."
Harmony: " You know it!" And I wink.
Tanam: "It is. Um, a bit large, but I think we can handle it. Um, it does seem to have an enchantment already on it."
Harmony: Oh!
Tanam: "Um, I mean that's how the, the, the, the fountain is working."
Harmony: "Oh, of course." And then I just look the fountain some more.
Tanam: "Just do be advised that the, um, that putting magical things- uh, already magical things- into the, into the mirrors can go a little weird sometimes."
Harmony: Okay. Like, good weird?
Tanam: "Just weird."
Harmony: I like it weird.
Vafrus: Heh heh heh heh.
Tanam: Okay, he quickly writes you a slip and has a far off look in his eyes and says, "You don't pay fees." And-
Vafrus: Heyh ha ha heh ha.
Tanam: And then waves you over to the person who's running the mirrors-
Vafrus: To be clear, uh, Suggestion is a concentration spell. And if we got a short rest, which I sounded like we did, I would not have retained concentration. That's just how we started the session, is that we were taking a nap in the hotel for some reason. So I was like-
Tanam: Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, so, um, that was after this occurred.
Vafrus: Oh, oh, okay. Fair enough, then.
Tanam: So, so I mean, at any moment you might stop your concentration-
Vafrus: yes.
Tanam: -but you haven't yet.
Vafrus: I mean, yeah, and, and I wouldn't until, you know, there's something to be gained from it, for example, a nap. So, yeah.
Tanam: Exactly. But this is good. Thank you for, uh, keeping us honest in terms of the spell effects. There's no way I'm gonna track this stuff. Um, your followers give it to the, attendant who like grunting these seems to, like, not be used to managing such large items, but manages to get it onto the thing and slowly cranks it out. And go ahead and roll that 1d20.
Harmony: 10! Oh, real quick, can I use Distort Value to make it look like even more valuable than when it comes out?
Tanam: um, I. Okay... Let me look at this. Okay. It says - I don't think it's that small. You could maybe do it on Mm. Part of it? Like if there's, at the top of the fountain, like, a metal flower.
Harmony: Yeah.
Tanam: That's small. You could probably do it on that. Oh, but you need to touch it.
Vafrus: Does it have a duration? Can you discreetly touch it before you hand the thing to the guy?
Tanam: You can touch it, right before they hand it to him, and then put a delay on it.
Harmony: Cool.
Tanam: Oh, you know what? casting time is a minute!
Harmony: Okay!
Tanam: So, you take your time quietly mumbling to yourself while it's going out there, which is like actually pretty normal for people who are, I mean, not for you necessarily, but for people who are, you know, like, "oh, what was it gonna be? I hope it's good. I hope it's good." your "hope it good. Hope it good" is, is actually like, "oh, I'm going to make it good." so it does the thing, just as you finished your spell and you notice, when it first came out, the rose on the top didn't look prettier, but like, as it actually comes back out of the mirror and back into this world, it turns prettier, this is your spell ending, uh, or your spell starting. Uh, you finish the process of casting it.
Harmony: Okay! Then I go, "oh my God, look at it!"
Tanam: And he cranks it over and looks at it and waves his hand and says, "oh, um, well, it was magical before. It is still magical..." and he holds it up and says, "it has been improved!"
Harmony: Yaaaaaayyyy!
Tanam: and he hands it back to your followers.
Harmony: The followers hand it back to me, and I just start licking it more.
Tanam: Like just, do you just like set up right there in the walkway or...?
Harmony: Oh, uh, no. I'm sorry. What am I saying? They're holding it while I'm licking it.
Tanam: it tastes the same.
Harmony: Hmm. I love chocolate.
Tanam: Do you take it back to your room?
Harmony: Uh, I, I kind of wanna watch if anyone else is gambling.
Tanam: Okay. There's tables, you can set up at one of those.
Harmony: Oh, fantastic.
Tanam: Okay. Before long, Ruffort comes in, carrying the leather armor. So what happened to this last time was that it, um-
Vafrus: I think I got like an eight. It was, it was worse than before.
Tanam: than before. Okay. The attendant, recognizing the thing, is like, "oh, we're do, we're doing this? Okay." sort of look.
Vafrus: Yeah we are!
Tanam: and puts it on the thing and rolls it out, and you roll a-
Vafrus: ooh, rolling the dice. Seven!
Harmony: Oh no!
Vafrus: Again! Again!
Tanam: In order to do it again, you need to go back to the desk because the attendant doesn't know that you have freebies. do you do so?
Vafrus: Yeah, I'm gonna hope they figure out the pattern after, like, the fifth time.
Tanam: Okay. yeah, he, he's like, "um, you need another slip, sir," and you "Okay," go back and get it and bring it in. Okay.
Vafrus: I'm like, you're lucky that I'm already concentrating on a Suggestion spell!
Tanam: So, it started to be extremely worse for wear. Like, it looks like it's reaching the end of its useful life.
Vafrus: it's probably fine. Here we go! Alright. Oh yeah, 15.
Tanam: 15. well, "this time it is improved!" And, you know, there's some scattered applause, although everyone is like- you don't notice this, but everyone around is, is, is starting to be like, what is this bullshit? So it is back to where it was before you put it in this most recent time or the one before.
Vafrus: I already feel like this strategy is paying off. In again!
Tanam: Okay, go ahead.
Vafrus: Nine!
Tanam: It's falling apart again.
Vafrus: All right. And again! does the attendant realize that how this is gonna go? Can I like buy some bulk tickets now?
Tanam: Nope.
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: okay. So it's, yeah, it's back to following apart. You put it in again?
Vafrus: Uh-huh.
Tanam: Okay. What do you get?
Vafrus: Five!
Tanam: it comes back as a pile of scraps of leather, doing an impression of armor. I will say that there's like, people are standing back to see where this goes.
Vafrus: Again! It's a three.
Tanam: It comes back and it is just leather dust. So it's still there, but it's like...
Vafrus: Still an object to put in the mirror; in again!
Tanam: Okay. So as you're about to, like- you go back, get your slip, come back over, someone else has gotten in line before you.
Vafrus: Okay. I'll wait my turn. My rolls have not been going well, but I'm not going to carry this garbage around with me. It's either gotta disappear or turned into some kind of cursed monster, or get good.
Tanam: The person in front of you puts some nice shoes in and gets out a very, very nice pair of shoes. And like "it's improved!" And I think some people are happy just to have a slight change of pace. Um, but then you're back up.
Vafrus: And back I go! Nine.
Tanam: yeah, it's, it's...
Vafrus: There's like a handful of dust?
Tanam: Yeah. Someone comes through one of the doors and like a slight wind comes through and the dust just kind of like blows out. And the attendant is like, "God d-, sheese, ugh. Uh." Like
Vafrus: I mean, that was my goal. I, I'm very satisfied with the dust blowing away in the wind.
Tanam: So the attendant says, "Five minute break!" and, you hear some incantations and, uh, is, prestidigitating the dust that you just caked over the mirrors. Um-
Vafrus: Alright, well, that, that was, that was fun. I feel very satisfied with that. Uh, kind of tempted to do it with one of my, with, with the shitty dagger too.
Tanam: Maybe we, uh, we call it there, um, maybe you contemplate on that, on that dagger. And wander back to the hotel.
Harmony: Congrats on your win.
Vafrus: Congrats on my what?
Harmony: On your win.
Vafrus: Oh yes, on my win. Such victories. Yeah. I, I feel like they should have, like- they should do one of those things where like, there's a mirror that just goes into another mirror so that you can do this quickly.
Harmony: Well, I like the, I like the announcing. I like that everyone gets to get involved.
Tanam: And you also have the fact that they're usually making money on every one of these transactions. The reason it was set up in the first place.
Tanam: Did you want to go and talk to somebody or anything like that? it's not quite time to break for lunch or anything . Uh, you wanna come back after dark to talk to Tagak and presumably you want to talk to other people, during the day.
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah, we were looking for clues or something, additional suspects, I guess. Even though we're pretty sure who did it. Come on. One person told us one suspect. That's, that's proof. We were maybe going do something with Captain... Pavoona?
Tanam: Yeah, The Captain.
Vafrus: Ruffort is feeling really great right now. He has rarely felt so included in a group. Usually when he starts bringing up, like, murdering people and stuff, everybody jumps all over him. This group seems like actually kind of cool with it, so, like, things are going very well, he thinks. Definitely nobody's coming up with cantrips to swat him over the head.
Harmony: And does Ruffort say this out loud?
Vafrus: No, I'm just creating narrative while the DM is thinking about stuff.
Rozafeen: I mean, Ruffort is going to get swatted with a dose of love. If she was truly upset, I think that there would be a different mechanism for that.
Vafrus: You know, that that's probably what Ruffort needs most of all, but he, he won't know that about himself.
Don: Was it that he needed a dose of love or a dose of something else when he gets murderous? I'm not sure.
Tanam: You went back to the hotel for a mid-morning nap, people did their side quests and then you have reconvened and, are heading back to The Hall, and you happen to come across the Captain. The Captain has dark skin; no fur or scale; is shaved bald; about six feet, muscular, fit; probably in their late twenties; is wearing the same chain mail suit, with a tunic over it, which has the crest of the Lonyu Empire; a skull cap helmet with room for their medium-ish pointy ears, sticking out the top. This is probably daily wear for them, so it's not going to have changed. Last night they looked concerned and upset that all this was going on. And, today, you're pretty certain they got no sleep at all. I'm trying to remember the voice. Um,
"Hi everyone. I hope you find the accommodations arranged for you acceptable."
Harmony: Hey, they're perfect. Would you like some coffee?
Tanam: " no thank you. I know it probably looks like I could use a bunch. But thank you."
Harmony: Hmm. You're welcome,
Don: I whisper to Urekas. I go, " I, I don't know if I trust them... they don't like coffee."
Harmony: Yeah, I don't know how they're buff if they don't have coffee.
Tanam: As everyone knows, the well-known correlation between bodybuilding and coffee.
Don: I don't even know how they're alive.
Rozafeen: It looks like you've been awake for a while. Have you found anything else out for your efforts?
Tanam: "Unfortunately, not as much as I would've liked. I've mostly been trying to shuffle schedules and change policies. I'm okay at it, but, it's not my strong suit if I can be candid about that. It was great that you all were here and that you managed to thwart the attack, but, that doesn't change that those spiders should not have gotten anywhere near The Hall, and, when they did, they should have been taken care of by the guard force that is tasked with protecting The Hall."
Rozafeen: I was actually wondering whether there's a ring that's a little bit further out from the Hall that's designed to provide an early warning system and brush these things away before they get near the main attraction.
Tanam: "Part of the special nature of this place that I'm sure you're aware of is that whole 'hour's walk' all the way from the Bridgelands, is, hmm. uh- speaking candidly- a bit ungovernable. We do our best, especially closer to the Hall, but, there's a lot going on out there and it's a bit difficult for guards to tell the difference between, harmless "lot going on" and less harmless "lot going on." It's true that giant spiders are generally not acceptable party companions."
Don: What kind of outer guard force do you have?
Tanam: "Well, you'll forgive me if I don't go into very specific details on that."
Don: I suppose that would be potentially a state secret, sure.
Tanam: "but suffice to say that it should have been sufficient and it was not. I think that there might have been some sort of teleportation, or, possibly even travel by mirror. That stuff doesn't come cheap. And, it seems like a weird use of those kinds of resources. As someone with a security mindset, if I were trying to attack a place like ours, and I had the kind of resources that could include some sort of teleport or mirror transport or something, I think of, all of the things that I would've done instead. Maybe it's just because of my lack of sleep, but I've been starting to think of some kind of wild things like, did they shove the spiders into a mirror bag or something? You're generally not supposed to put living things in there, but like, I guess if you're getting a bunch of murder spiders, then you know, no big deal. But..."
Harmony: Could somebody have gambled and won murder spiders?
Don: I mean, we saw the gambling. I don't... "spider has been improved"? I don't understand.
Rozafeen: "This item has been made lethal." "Yay!"
Tanam: Well, you know, there'd be someone in the back cheering about that.
Don: Oh, I bet it would've caused a big... surprise?
Tanam: "Yeah, I think I would've heard about it."
Harmony: Hmm.
Tanam: "But that's the kind of lateral thinking that we need."
Harmony: Thank you. There are no stupid questions.
Rozafeen: Only stupid suggestions.
Vafrus: Only stupid people.
Tanam: "What sort of investigations have you all done so far?"
Harmony: Yeah, but we've been working really hard. I turn my laugh into a cough.
Don: We've primarily been, uh, preparing for a, uh, excursion outside of the Gambling Hall.
Vafrus: Yeah. Yeah. We've been, we've been gathering information on our main suspect. We haven't been slacking off, guys.
Rozafeen: We've been acquiring information about the site itself. We've visited it in the dark and in the daytime, and we've spoken with potential witnesses.
Tanam: "Tell me that you haven't been talking to Tagak."
Don: We haven't been talking to Tagak- but we have, uh, you just wanted me to tell you that, I think.
Rozafeen: I mean, she is certainly one of the witnesses that we've spoken with.
Tanam: "So I'm assuming that, uh, let me see if I can guess this. There is a secret sorcerer that lives out in the desert and is trying to keep Tagak from her true love. Is that accurate?"
Don: You know, when you put it that way, it sounds a lot less likely. I- we have not, we have not found any other leads thus far.
Tanam: "Well,"
Don: So if you do have other leads, potentially...
Rozafeen: Is the sorcerer some sort of person who's actually in service of the city?
Tanam: "No. Tagak has been- , let's see, there was, I think an apple incident. We've gotten lots of notifications that birds are watching her. Trying to get us to go out on an expedition to "take out" the sorcerer."
Don: wait, let me get this straight. She just went straight to "kill the sorceress?"
Tanam: "Hammer nails, that kind of thing. I mean, I was just talking about shoving spiders into mirror bags. Honestly we haven't had the time, or inclination, to go out and check it, but, allegedly, about two hours by foot due east is this tower oasis. Tagak insists that it's out there and, that we should send a, I don't know, a raiding party or something to go enforce some sort of rules. I don't think that we have any laws against building towers on oases. I assume that if she's up to something illegal, I guess we might be able to find out. Beyond the apple and the, birds and some other things, oh gosh, there was the, that whole lettuce situation. I don't even wanna talk about it."
Don: I mean, if it's relevant, perhaps you should?
Tanam: "Nope. In fact, I shouldn't have mentioned it. Never mention the lettuce again."
Harmony: Ooh, is this, can I put on the helm of telepathy?
Don: If you're not already wearing it. I,
Tanam: do you, I mean, you mean engage the helm of telepathy?
Harmony: Uh yes. Or whatever thoughts will tell me about the lettuce incident.
Tanam: You can get surface thoughts without risk. You get an image of Tagak, looking both very ill and extremely angry, holding this wet, gross- that's just dripping and you can feel through this, this memory, the exasperation. It's, palpable from the Captain. The Captain kind of shutters a bit, and says, "Yeah, okay. The tower oasis is apparently- allegedly- there we go. It's the right language, allegedly two hours by foot east of here. I guess it might make sense for someone to go look and if nothing else, if you could go and either not find it, or go and, I don't know, talk to the nice elderly woman that lives there with her daughter and, come back with maybe some sort of assurances for Tagak that, she's not a terrorist, it wouldn't necessarily get us any closer to the spider situation."
Rozafeen: Last night I noticed that there was a second in command. I forget the person's name. Was that person working on anything?
Tanam: The Captain... they weren't, super relaxed, but they were a little bit more relaxed, not quite standing at attention like they had been, and as soon as you mention The Second, they just stiffen up and are much more at attention, much more you can almost hear the adrenaline pumping in, and their face goes neutral and blank. Not in a charmed sort of way, but in like a, "I'm extremely uncomfortable talking about this person" kind of way. And since you were digging and in there earlier, Urekas, would you roll an Insight check for me?
Harmony: It says five. Plus two.
Tanam: So that's a seven total.
Harmony: Mm-hmm.
Tanam: Yeah, I think you just get a slightly stronger impression that The Captain is not a fan of The Second. "I have not yet received a report from The Second. In terms of setting expectations, I am not entirely sure that I will receive one. But, you are certainly welcome to talk to him, if you like."
Rozafeen: I see. So it's not that you are positive that he is not doing any work, it's more that you are not positive whether he will respect the chain of command.
Tanam: "One of those things is probably the case."
Don: I feel like you're a little bit dodgy.
Tanam: " I apologize." They relax a little bit. "I suppose that if you're going to be working around here, you're going to find this out, sooner or later. How shall I put this? You said that you didn't quite catch the Second's name. It's Deenovadan."
Don: So Deenovadan, ah, and the Ovadan family of course, owns pretty much everything and we've got Tanovadan in charge of Hospitality. So what you're saying is you don't know if this guy is just hungry for power, or if it's a strict case of nepotism. Uh, and he's just kind of terrible. But he is definitely a pain in the ass.
Tanam: "So, uh, I have not said any of those things."
Don: Yeah, me either.
Tanam: " "There are things that you'll see when you spend some time around here. Perhaps say that if you want to find The Second to interview him, being that he was- how did it get put?- 'protecting The Hall from the inside,' when the attack happened."
Harmony: He sounds really brave.
Tanam: "Yeah. Super brave."
Don: Yes. I was protecting my hotel room last night from the inside. That's what I was doing. I mean, yes, he's very brave.
Tanam: "If you'd like to interview him and find out, for example, what was going on inside The Hall when the attack happened, or any other number of useful things, you can find him, not at the guards' barracks- which is where you can find me during my off time- a little bit north of that, in his, private residence, up the road a bit. If you just go over to the east side outside the wall and just walk north, you'll see it."
Harmony: What if we leave and the spiders come back?
Tanam: "A big part of what I was doing, over the last night was trying to put together a plan and shore up our existing situation to account for that sort of attack in the future. I know that planning for that attack after it's already happened- it's not as likely for the same thing to happen again, but what can you do? And we are paying you to investigate, not to hang around and guard for who knows how long. I'm hoping if the spiders come back -or different spiders come back because I don't think these spiders are coming back anytime soon- I'm hoping that we'll be better prepared, and we'll do what we can."
Harmony: Hmm. I kind of turn to everybody. Do you, do you think I said something offensive?
Don: No, definitely not. I did all of that.
Harmony: Okay.
Rozafeen: I think the answer was fair though.
Tanam: "Again, we're, super grateful, but I don't think that you signed up to be guards, right?"
Don: No, the pay, uh, wasn't good enough.
Harmony: No.
Tanam: "Yeah, I can- I didn't say anything about that either."
Rozafeen: All right. I think that we should continue interviewing folks who might have information for us.
Tanam: "Yeah, and I will definitely let you know. What's the best way? Just leave a message for you at your hotel?"
Don: Yes. that seems ideal. Uh, unless someone has some sort of-
Vafrus: Just grab one of Urekas's followers. , they're kind of everywhere. They'll let us know.
Harmony: Someone will tell me.
Rozafeen: Might be more reliable to leave a note in one of our rooms.
Vafrus: Very efficient, these followers.
Don: Rely- "reliable" was exactly the word I was looking for, like a reliable narrator versus this is an unreliable one.
Tanam: The followers look a little bit hurt. They're kind of standing at an awkward- like, not in the conversation, but they're standing back behind Urekas. They're mostly looking at her, and nodding whenever she talks, as like, "yeah, that was..." they looked very offended when Urekas suggested perhaps that she had said something offensive. They look a little bit sad that you don't think that they're reliable.
Don: sorry, everyone. Ah,
Rozafeen: Any, person talking to a person, talking to a person is going to be less reliable than a piece of paper where there's only one communicator.
Don: Yeah! That.
Tanam: They seem somewhat mollified.
Harmony: Awww. I just look at all of them and I do the hand motion where my hands are now hearts and they're beating to all of them, and I smile.
Tanam: That helps.
Rozafeen: Wait, are you making your hand heart beat? Is that what you said?
Harmony: Yeah.
Rozafeen: Okay. Hellena is a little bit confused and a teensy weensy bit horrified.
Tanam: In the symbolic shape of a heart? Or are you talking like, ventricles and stuff?
Harmony: Oh yeah, no, like a real heart. That's kind of like a hand motion we have.
Rozafeen: Urekas always keeps it real.
Tanam: Yeah. uh, they are, they're extremely comforted by your grotesque gestures.
Don: I just, I like this so much as a hand gesture, and I'm just, like, playing with my hand. Squeezing the top and then the bottom top, and then the bottom. It makes so much more sense than the heart gesture with the weird, doesn't look like a heart.
Rozafeen: Oh man, I'm doing it now and one of my fingers is weirdly sticking up and I'm trying to imagine what part of the heart that would be.
Don: It, it's, it's probably an artery, right? Gotta be.
Rozafeen: Sure, that makes sense.
Tanam: Okay. Disengaged from The Captain, they head off to, presumably not sleep some more.
Vafrus: Okay. The Sorceress. They're working together. Definitely involved somehow. I am so sure of it.
Harmony: Yeah, they didn't even drink coffee.
Vafrus: No coffee!
Don: That was really suspicious.
Rozafeen: A robin flies up close to Ruffort's ear, pauses, and then smacks him on the ear, and flies off.
Vafrus: Ah, the heck. I am about to Eldritch Blast the robin. But then the Spirit like tells me that "it's an evil Robin. It's okay." And I'm like, "oh, okay."
Rozafeen: How long of a walk would it be to that spot where I saw the person far away, duck behind, whatever?
Tanam: Let's see. So the, when you first saw the spiders, they were only like, what, like a hundred and twenty feet away or something like that? The person was not too much further than that; you could walk over there right now.
Rozafeen: Okay, so I turn to the group and I say, "During the fight I saw someone far away. I think I may have mentioned this last night during the briefing. I'd like to go look at that spot that they were standing and see if there are any interesting secret passageways or markings of spells left behind or so forth."
Harmony: Sounds reasonable.
Don: That seems like a really good idea. I'll, I'll happily go with you.
Vafrus: While we're walking, I'm just gonna start wondering aloud. "I wonder if there's anyone around here that could, like, use magic to get information? I know that's like a thing people can do sometimes."
Don: I probably say something innane like, "Yeah, that would be really nice."
Harmony: I give a motivational speech. "Yeah, someone should do something!"
Vafrus: I feel super validated and I'm happy to drop the subject forever. Oh, do any of Urekas's followers, uh, respond to her like "someone should do something"?
Harmony: Yeah, they all just kind of look at each other, heh, and then nod their head.
Tanam: So along the way you pass by, down the one hour road, which is the road, the hour walk between the, the border with the borderlands and the Gate, and, passed by some fountains, on either side of where the road empties out into the front of the Gate. There's some very nice tents set up along here, some of those shaded areas that you all met under, although yours was further down the road.
Vafrus: So like are all the people around here just, like, cool that we have, like, a panther or a jaguar or whatever it is?
Rozafeen: She is a cheetah. And yes, she is cool, so they're cool. Everybody's cool.
Tanam: You get to a small building that looks like it was somewhat hastily constructed. However, hastily constructed by someone with a lot of money for materials. It's a little one-room cabin, but it, it just kind of looks slapped together. There doesn't appear to be anyone there, although there's cushions and, little tables and such. And the entrance faces west and on this southern side was where the person was by the side of the road, at the edge of the canopy and then had ducked behind the building. And that's what you saw, Hellena.
Vafrus: Wait, is this the rich guy's house?
Tanam: No, that was to the, to the north. This one is small.
Don: So could we investigate the structure? See like maybe when it was constructed, cuz I mean it was haphazardly built but out of good materials, but not, we don't necessarily know when or, uh, figure out, you know, who or how many people were inside at what point.
Tanam: if you would like to just walk around and investigate, you can do that. There's not really like a hall of records or anything like that; it's very unlikely that anyone wrote a date on this thing when they built it. that doesn't seem like the kind of structure that's gonna get one of those.
Don: That's fair. That's fair. But I mean, I, I would assume, like if it was built, uh, I guess this is kind of close to a desert, so, I don't know if there's like dirt on the outside or-
Tanam: yeah. No, it's, been there for a bit, but it is this is the desert.
Don: Yeah.
Tanam: It is not entirely covered in sand. It's been there for a while, but it doesn't look like it's even as old as The Hall. So it's not even like, five or six years old or anything like that. it was probably not built in the last week.
Don: Gotcha.
Tanam: Does anyone want to roll investigation rolls?
Don: I, I would definitely like to.
Tanam: Let's find out how you do and then, you can describe what you do.
Don: 24. I'll go inside-
Tanam: So you're going in the building?
Don: Yeah, yeah. Was the door closed? And-
Tanam: Yeah, so I guess I, I should clarify, this is very clearly a private residence.
Don: Ah, okay. Perhaps we don't just barge in and investigate that way. Uh, are there any windows, anything like that? Or-
Tanam: Yes, they do actually have some windows, which is again, kind of surprising given the time period, and the slap dash nature of it, but they did manage to get some windows on it that look quite expensive! You casually walk over past it on the north side and there is a big window there. It looks like there are curtains, but, with a 24, I'm gonna say they're not drawn and-
Don: that's pretty impressive! My 24 makes them not draw.
Tanam: you know, it's not until we, uh...
Don: I get it. I get it.
Vafrus: I mean, luck was involved with that draw.
Tanam: Inside there's one room, but it looks to be a bedroom. Just the entirety of this not very big structure is in fact kind of a big bedroom -small for a structure, big for a bedroom. Fancy bed with these very delicate posts holding up this little gossamer canopy over it. Lots of rich carpets on the ground, on the wall, some, like, big scarves hanging from the ceilings. There's a door; It's on the eastern side of the building. You can see it through the window. There's like a closed door, and it's, ornate and fancily carved and all this kind of stuff. You peek your head around to the east side of the building and there is not a door on the outside.
Rozafeen: Also rolled an investigation: 18, and my intent was to poke around the outside as much as possible.
Tanam: Okay. maybe you went down to the south end of it; it would make sense for you to head that way, because that's where you saw the person disappear to. You said you got an 18?
Rozafeen: Correct.
Tanam: Roll a dexterity check.
Vafrus: While everybody's doing that, can I ask the Prince to just go in and look around?
Tanam: Yeah...
Rozafeen: So that's 15.
Vafrus: I'll be, I'll be really humble about it. I'll be "Oh Great Prince. If you can just go in and find anything interesting in there and come tell me, I'll look so cool in front of my new friends..."
Tanam: let's resolve Hellena's roll. So you trip, on-
Vafrus: Uh ohh....
Tanam: -something in the sand.
Rozafeen: Hmm.
Tanam: There's something heavy; you don't hurt yourself, but you stub your toe a bit if you had been wearing sandals or something.
Rozafeen: Well, since I fell, while I'm down there, what do I see?
Tanam: You brush the sand away. It is a door, like a cellar door. Seems to be attached to the ground.
Rozafeen: Okay, well I'll hold that thought while you resolve the inside thing that's happening.
Tanam: The Prince acknowledges your request, Vafrus, and you feel his presence leave you. Which, you know, never gets, not weird. A little bit goes by and you feel the Prince come back and says,
"My dark servent, it's, uh, it's just a room. It's a nice room. A bedroom. Fit for the evilest of kings."
Vafrus: As it was foretold. Or something. Probably. Probably you foretold it, right? Yeah. That seems right. Okay.
Tanam: It, uh, It, seems like it gets a lot of use.
Vafrus: Foretold. Okay. I'll report that to my friends who are like poking around. Having, having not looked in the wi- windows or anything, I'm, I'm hoping they're impressed about it, but like, yeah.
Rozafeen: I would like to clarify that even when Hellena trips, it is always in a dignified manner.
Vafrus: Yes.
Tanam: As you're all standing around, talking to each other, and Rozafeen's off tripping on things, you hear, from behind you, a gruff voice and says, "Excuse me, what are you all doing hanging out by my house?" When you turn and look, you recognize this six foot five big heavy man with long fine black hair down to his mid back and dark purple scales. You remember quite well that this is Mindlord Trumbans, who was one of the people attacked by the spiders and was very unimpressed in general...
Harmony: dun dun dun?
Tanam: Nobody, nobody said, "oh, no!" Or anything
Harmony: like
Tanam: that! I, can I, get, can I get some like, sounds of recognition or something?
Harmony: Yeah. Should we do this on like a three count or?
Rozafeen: I mean, my face is in the dirt right now. I don't know that I recognize him.
Vafrus: Bullshitting in situations like this is the whole point of my character. I'm fine. I would be afraid specifically of the Mindlord bit, like that, that is scary. But I got this guys and if I don't, we'll just murder him.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: Yeah we had pretty good luck today.
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: they've had free reign for too long
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Well, Des doesn't remember the strike, so we're good there.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: You're gonna go on strike over the Intern, huh?
The Intern: Check out his RPG at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: pile of scraps of leather doing an impression of armor.
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
Boss: Let's pretend to save the world while we sit on our tiny asses playing with tiny dolls.
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work at dominiquedickey.com.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Boss: Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely- not.