The Intern: Hi everyone, welcome back to episode three of Coffee Cults and Empires.
This is your host, the Intern, reporting to you live from the
kitchenette's snack closet.
Normally, everyone in the office would be begging me for coffee
around now, but today I'm all alone.
There's a meeting that everyone but me is attending.
Why not me?
I'm just an intern, so they told me to go get snacks.
I think the meeting is about the security leak, so about me.
I mean, totally not me.
Wink.
I might not have much time, so let's get into it.
Ahem.
Our players are professors from Experimental World 62C.
The game itself is set 1, 000 years in their past at a gambling hall resort,
where they have been enjoying the ambiance, making fun of the local coffee,
and dealing with giant arachnid attacks.
They killed those spiders so effectively that they got noticed by
the Lord of Hospitality, Tanovadon.
The meeting with Tanovadon included a broad cast of
characters, some of which are:
The Second is Ovadan to his subordinates, and breastplate guy to the party.
He was hiding during the attack, but Urekas attempted to seduce him anyway.
The Captain of the Guard, or just "The Captain" if you have
a short attention span like me.
They missed the attack itself, but they're leading the investigation
and shoring up security.
The put-out merchant from Klaoil, Achhiat J'hakitam, was even more put out
when Calumn made Justice seem to talk, although not as much as Hellena was.
And finally, there's Tagak.
She's an artisan with fox-like ears who beat a spider to
death with a pair of tongs.
Also, she has a conspiracy theory that her girlfriend's mom sent the spiders.
So far, the party doesn't have much to go on, but Hellena spotted
a cloaked figure in the distance, where the spiders seem to come from.
Could that solve the mystery?
Is Tagok right about her girlfriend's mom?
Let's find out!
Oh, right, also, Tanam has some music to set the mood.
And yes, before you ask, this is where I acquired the podcast theme song.
Didn't want Tanam's purchase to go to waste.
I'm not gonna put in the normal intro music since we'll be
listening to it soon enough.
Okay, now onto the show.
Are these granola bars?
How old are they?
I think these will really set the mood for this meeting where
my bosses are talking about me.
Tanam: I've got a treat for you all, by the way.
This is music; I got aaanother rock.
Vafrus: oh, Tanam...
Rozafeen: oh dear.
Don: Why does this sound like a faculty presentation?
Tanam: This one is more for general mood-
Don: what's the mood?
Tanam: -rather than a specific situation, so I think it's more generally applicable.
Vafrus: I mean, last one was pretty great.
Harmony: is that a sideways harpsichord?
Tanam: Yeah!
Harmony: I feel like something important is about to happen.
Don: right?
I'm curious.
oh, wow.
That was not bad
Harmony: Quiet
Don: what?
Harmony: It's still going.
It's good music.
Vafrus: mean, pretty good music a thousand years ago.
It's not bad.
Don: Good for now.
That's really good.
I mean, I feel it.
I'm ready to, like, go to a market and buy stuff, or sell stuff, or-
Rozafeen: I love it.
Harmony: It makes me want to dance.
Vafrus: That was really kind of long, Tanam.
Don: If I ever to roll initiative to something that
long, I'm going to kill you.
Rozafeen: It was quite long.
Harmony: It's good music.
Um, you said it was "period appropriate."
Tanam: yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's guaranteed a thousand years ago.
Harmony: Ugh, Tanam
Tanam: what?
Harmony: look, I'm sorry to break your mirror.
That song, it has the sideways harpsichord in it.
Tanam: Yeah.
Doesn't it sound great?
I really like that part.
Harmony: that's,
Don: nice.
Harmony: It sounds great.
The sideways harpsichord was not invented until, like, 700 years later?
Um, approximately 3398?
Don: Oh ohhhh
Harmony: We're playing in 2667.
Vafrus: Ohh buddy
Tanam: wait wait no, no.
Harmony: Sorry, I didn't mean to be condescending.
It's just-
Rozafeen: Well, I mean, Tanam's buying all these rocks, I understand why
you're taking nothing for granted.
Harmony: I know they're "certified guaranteed period appropriate,"
but that is not period appropriate!
That's 700 years off!
Tanam!
Don: Look, I don't say much nice about Harmony, but she does
kind of know her instruments.
Harmony: Mm hmm.
Tanam: like, it's, it's, intern's, teeth, like, all of the, you
know, all the old timey music always has sideways harpsichord in it.
Don: Yeah, from old times, like, 50 years ago.
Tanam: Ugh.
Rozafeen: Maybe 200.
Harmony: Sounds great, though.
Don: No, it really does.
Harmony: It's fun music.
Tanam: Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
Rozafeen: Harmony, you're being surprisingly nice, honestly.
Harmony: I just now looking at your face.
You spent so much money on it.
is good music.
It's fun.
It's just I'm tired of watching you get scammed.
Vafrus: How many more did you buy, Tanam?
Tanam: We won't discuss this.
Rozafeen: Is there any way I could get you to scream, "It's not
period!" Just, you know, for me?
Harmony: Sure.
It's not period!
Rozafeen: Nice.
Don: Louder.
I want some commitment.
Harmony: Got it.
Fine.
Sorry.
Tanam, I'm so sorry to lift your bridge like this, but that
music is not period appropriate.
Rozafeen: I peed myself.
Don: Oh, "lift this bridge" is, um, that's a real old one there, Harmony.
Tanam: That's a good one.
That's a good one.
Don: I mean, I feel "Lift His Bridge" was most recently referenced in that
pop song, and it was not talking about lifting an actual bridge.
Rozafeen: I am deceased.
Vafrus: Don't listen to them, Tanam.
I'm sure it's period appropriate.
it probably just sounds like a sideways harpsichord, you know?
It's probably, nah... You, you, got scammed, man.
Sorry.
Yeah, no, there's no way around it.
Rozafeen: I love you, I love your rock.
It was a very good song.
Vafrus: Shall we get back to the game?
Rozafeen: I do need to refresh myself, one moment.
Tanam: Yeah,
Rozafeen: I remember from last time.
Go ahead and describe whatever.
I'll be back in a second.
Tanam: Sure.
Last time, we were in the office of the Lord of Hospitality, Tanovadan, and the
Captain was looking a little bit down about having not prevented the attack
and actually not being there for it.
And had vowed to get to the bottom of it.
And just before we concluded last time, the artisan, who had beaten the one
spider to death with the fire tongs had just given a speech about how she
thinks that the spiders were sent by her lover's birth mother, who doesn't
think that they should be together.
Doesn't like this idea that Tagak was with her daughter.
Rozafeen: Hey, I'm back.
So as part of all of that summarizing, did you remind everybody that Hellena
is absolutely pissed about what happened with the illusion on Justice?
Vafrus: Oh man.
I've fully forgotten.
That's where my spell slot went.
Rozafeen: Hellena is pissed.
Vafrus: Ooh, it'll probably be fine.
Rozafeen: Mmm.
Tanam: there will be a reckoning about that.
Uh, later.
Rozafeen: Mmm.
Tanam: we can also do some of that, but, um, just before we concluded last
time everyone was silent and digesting this weird rant that the artisan
just went on about how these deadly spiders were sent by her potential
mother-in-law, as a way of driving her away from the, uh, daughter.
Don: Did we, did we get an idea of who this lady's mother-in-law was?
I forget.
Tanam: Uh, no, we have not heard anything about that.
Don: Well, in that case, uh, "Hey, so who, who is your mother-in-law anyway?
She the kind of person that, um, we should be worried?
I mean, she already sent spiders.
That seems pretty bad, but is she a uh a noble or, uh, you
know, uh, independently wealthy?
Uh, is she going to be a, a big problem, I guess is what I'm saying."
Tanam: "I mean, yeah, she sent a bunch of giant spiders after us.
So like I said before, she's not subtle, but, the two of them live alone
together, out in, uh, kind of an oasis area out into the desert a little bit.
actually, she has her own tower there.
her mom does."
Don: Great, creepy, rich person in the desert.
Ah, that's just what we wanted to hear.
[ Rozafeen: Well, at the risk of being contrary, while it sounds
like this person has a motive and a means that is not proof that that's
actually who's behind what happened.
Tanam: "Well, you, you know, you can, you can think what you
want, but I know what's up."
the Captain and the Lord of Hospitality both don't look particularly convinced.
But, they are not as unconvinced as the artisan is convinced, like,
you know, the magnitudes of of those are definitely different.
Rozafeen: I turn to the Captain and I say, "Is there anyone
else who might have a motive?"
Tanam: "That's a, that's an interesting question.
Definitely something I need to, to look into.
Yeah, I've gotta say, it's pretty embarrassing, but I'm
caught pretty off guard on this.
This is kind of my job and this is not something that I have heard anything
about through my network or anything.
It is just really out of nowhere."
Vafrus: Said both the guard and the DM.
Tanam: The Lord of Hospitality, seems to have made a bit of a decision, and says
, "Well, as it is very late... Two things.
One, I think we should probably get some rest.
We can obviously have our guards to continue to be on extra alert,
but I think that the immediate threat seems to have passed.
And I think we'll probably all think better on some sleep.
Secondly, y'all did a wonderful job of repelling this attack, and I'm wondering
if you might be willing to take on a, uh, temporary position with us, investigating
it a bit and, finding out what went wrong.
I have the utmost of faith in the Captain, despite their own misgivings, but
this is, like the Captain said, quite irregular and out of nowhere and more
than we are set up to normally handle."
The Second, the one who was hiding inside and showed you upstairs, breastplate
guy, has been scowling since she started talking about you getting involved.
he says, "Well, maybe it is something that we should be better prepared for.
This is maybe a leadership question."
Vafrus: Oh!
Tanam: the Lord of Hospitality shoots him just the like, most "I am going
to cut your liver out," kind of glare.
And says, "As I said, I have the utmost confidence in the
Captain. Thank you, Second."
Vafrus: I'm gonna make the cheetah, make the, the noise
that I actually made though.
Harmony: I just feel relieved because when I heard "shoots him," I was like, wow.
Vafrus: Whew.
This Gambling Hall!
Harmony: Yeah.
Do we wanna work here?
Tanam: Hostile work environment.
Harmony: [laughs laughs]
Don: I mean, it is a casino or...
Rozafeen: They have a healer in the back.
It works out fine.
Tanam: The Captain is stone faced through this.
Just not giving anything away about how they feel about it.
At the Lord of Hospitality's emphasis on "Second," just really seems to be
that shot that you were worried about.
The Second does not seem to take that very well.
Maybe as if his breastplate has a little bit less gleam now.
And, after a moment, the Lord of Hospitality says, "It's definitely
time for me to go to sleep. Captain, please do make sure that we have
extra guards posted and ready, just in case the spiders come back."
Vafrus: Was it the Lord of Hospitality who just asked us to, to do the job?
Tanam: Yes.
Rozafeen: Yeah, conversationally, it sort of felt like she offered us a job and
then I guess sleep on it cuz then the next declaration was, "I'm going to bed!"
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: Okay.
Um, "I should probably get to bed soon. But, is this something that
you think you might be interested in?"
Vafrus: so here's the gambit that I wanna pull.
I want, who am I right now?
Rufuss, what, what?
I call myself?
Anyway, Calumn, we'll call my character Calumn, for the moment.
So Calumn is going to be like, yeah, we can help, we can do it.
And, and the cheetah is gonna be like, "oh, but we have so
many obligations already and it's, gonna be so expensive..."
[ Harmony: Laughs]
Don: I like that cheetah about travel costs.
Vafrus: yeah, yeah.
and, and, and, yeah.
So it's so, so, and the whole point of it is gonna be to try to get them to pay
us the most possible, uh, where I'm just like, "oh man, you're right. Oh, well,"
the rest of you can interrupt me in this charade, but it will be immediately
obvious to you guys what's going on.
If you haven't figured out about the cheetah yet, then
this will like, give it away.
But...
Harmony: [laughs]
Tanam: This sounds delightful.
Uh, "Ruffort" is the name.
Vafrus: Yes.
Thank you.
Ruffort is my current name.
Thank you.
Don: Wait, "Ruffort" is your current... Oh yeah!
Vafrus: Illusions around illusions.
I got so layers and all of them have a name and I forget their name sometimes.
Sorry.
Don: I forget my own name sometimes.
Tanam: Maybe I should add that to the cheat sheet.
Vafrus: If I, if I'd had my notes open quickly enough, I
would've known, but I, yeah...
Tanam: I think that you probably need to do some sort of check for this...
Vafrus: Acceptable.
I think the moment, I'm gonna be better at doing checks than doing role playing.
Tanam: Well, I mean, we can also do some of that, but...
Vafrus: it's just trying to be both sides of a conversation
is, is gonna be a little tricky.
Tanam: But this is probably a deception, I would guess?
You're trying to convince them that you're actually having this argument
with this, with this cheetah?
Rozafeen: Or maybe performance?
Tanam: Maybe performance.
But, um, I guess, yeah, I guess, uh, I can give you your choice
between performance and deception.
Vafrus: All right.
Uh, and, and would you say this, it counts as a situation where I'm trying
to convince them I'm someone I'm not?
Tanam: No, I don't think so.
Well, I mean, I guess?
Huh.
Vafrus: I'm trying convince them: I'm the guy who's benevolent!
Tanam: Well, but, but you are also trying to convince, I guess you are also
theoretically trying to convince them that you're the cheetah, but I'm not-
Vafrus: I'm trying to convince them I'm not the cheetah . The
cheetah is its own person.
All right, I'll just roll.
That's fine.
I don't, I don't need the bonus.
I'll, I'll, I'll roll twenty you just wait...
Don: I'll, I'll try to help by, uh, chiming in with the cheetah and
going, "oh, yes. But, but it's, I love travel though. It is so nice to
be able to get out sometimes" as it's talking about travel costs and, and,
uh, you know, the, the difficulty of finding good accommodations and such.
Rozafeen: I'm going to let this go on for a moment, and then I'm
to say, "Excuse me, Justice and I need to step out for a moment..."
Vafrus: All right, so that was, that was a Nat 20 that I just rolled for, uh, 28.
I believe.
Tanam: Okay.
It's, it's in,
Vafrus: A good opening roll.
I feel good about this session.
Tanam: Yes.
This is excellent.
Okay.
Show us how it goes, knowing that you're going to be successful in your endeavor.
Vafrus: Alright, so, "Lord Tanovadan, of course we are available to
your, to help at your service.
We are, but humble servants willing to assist in any way..." And then
the cheetah is gonna be like, "uh, you know, we already did promise...",
and I'm gonna make up something about like, "uh, you know, uh, Lord Thifree,
and we already said that we'll be missing out on a lot of money if we
don't get outta here pretty..." And I'm like, "oh, well, but, but this
has the, you know, oh, you're right.
And we, we do have to help all of those sick orphans that we promised..."
Don: I don't remember helping any sick orphans...
Vafrus: Well, we haven't made the money yet to, you know,
it's, it's on our to-do list...
Don: Oh Yes, definitely.
I, I certainly plan on helping the, the orphans.
Vafrus: "I don't know. And I mean, uh, but, but this is important. Clearly
we would, we will try to squeeze you in, you know, if we can..." and yeah.
That's, that's kind of how it goes.
And then I guess the cheetah gets dismissed.
Tanam: Do
Rozafeen: I, I beckon to Justice.
I'd like her to follow me
Vafrus: yeah.
Yeah.
And I can't control the cheetah, so it, it goes where it wants.
Tanam: Do you kill the illusion?
As soon as...
Vafrus: Yeah.
Yeah.
It would be funny if there was like a ghost cheetah
sitting in the room remaining.
But I'm not gonna go that far.
I, I, I, I saw the, the daggers look.
I'm like, "oh... . I know that's..."
Harmony: Well I'm gonna ask about payments and also about, um, like what kind of
food choices, like will it be catered?
Tell me about the snacks, beverages, refreshments, etcetera.
Tanam: "Well, I'm sure that we can come to some sort of arrangement in terms of the
specific numbers. As far as the food goes, you'll have, course access to the finest
dining here at The Hall. Plus obviously provisions for, uh, any journeys that
you need to make as, as part of this."
Harmony: I would like a chocolate fountain in my hotel room.
Don: If she gets a chocolate fountain, I, I also want, want a chocolate fountain
Tanam: "um..."
Vafrus: Disembodied voice from where the cheetah went.
"Me too!"
Tanam: She's a little, um... "I think we have some chocolate fountains.
I'm not sure if we have so many,
Vafrus: Well Let me just pull it out of my pocket for you why don't...
Don: suppose if you have a shortage of chocolate fountains, you can always,
uh, go run a few normal fountains through The Mirrors till we get one.
Vafrus: How
Don: I don't even mind if it's like a strawberry chocolate fountain.
Tanam: She says, "If those are your terms, then I think that we
can probably make that happen. It might take a couple of days to get
all of the chocolate fountains..."
Vafrus: Oh no.
We're being paid in chocolate fountains now!
Don: Mean, I, I didn't, uh, the chocolate fountains were more
of a, a secondary payment thing.
um, I, I do believe, I, I would prefer, uh, uh, to be paid in, in armor or, um,
" Tanam: Or, I mean, we can also pay you in gold.
We do have gold that we can pay you with."
Don: Yeah.
And I, I just wanted to negotiate for perks, really.
Chocolate fountain is more of a fun little thing.
I may work it into my armor later.
Tanam: "Oh. Uh, I'd be quite excited to see that."
Don: Me too.
Tanam: "How about get people on the chocolate fountain thing and you guys
can get started on your investigation. very excited to have you aboard."
Harmony: I'm excited too!
Tanam: The Artisan is looking a little bit inpatient.
"You know, I, I, I don't really understand why there needs to
be so much investigation, but, um, you know, that's fine.
Uh, you can do your thing and with your chocolate fountains or whatever.
Let me know if you, uh, if you're gonna head over to the Oasis
though, I can maybe help with that.
You can, you can find me at my, uh, at my stall out inside the, uh, hall wall where,
uh, where I beat that spider to death.
So, um, I'm gonna go home and try to sleep now.
Um, we'll see if that happens." And she wanders out the door.
Rozafeen are you just outside?
Rozafeen: We stepped into the hall, and in addition to getting the
cheetah away from this nonsense, I also want to look at if there are any
other interesting characters, anyone who's perhaps been spying on us.
Anyone who looks disgruntled, anything interesting.
Tanam: When the door opens up and people start coming out, the Captain,
as they come out, looks determined.
The Second, the breastplate guy, just looks pissed, like, not even
bothering to hide, dissatisfied overall look, but otherwise you
don't note anything in particular.
The Lord of Hospitality, calls for a, uh, attendant who shows you
all to your individual rooms, just outside the wall of The Hall.
There's no accommodations in the Hall itself, or inside the wall.
But just outside, there's lots of fancy places to stay, and
you are shown to the fanciest.
What is everybody doing once you get to your room?
Don: Well mostly getting the spider guts off my armor.
Harmony: uh, I lock all my windows.
I go to the bed and I untuck the sheets.
So later when I go to bed, like if I need to just take them off in a hurry,
I can, I don't have to worry about it.
Don: See, that's what the adventurers don't think of, is
getting tangled in the sheets.
Tanam: Do you and your cheetah go to the separate rooms that are prepared for you?
Or does Justice come with you?
Rozafeen: I think that the cheetah and I will take a suite.
I have to do some settling in, and I do need to stop by,
Mr. Eldritch Blast's room.
I am going keep it very short.
Vafrus: Okay.
Rozafeen: I'm going to be standing in the doorway.
I'm going to look at him.
I'm going to look at Justice.
I'm gonna look back at him, and I'm gonna say, "Don't." And then
I'm gonna walk back to my room.
Tanam: Do you say anything or do you, uh,
Vafrus: it sounds like the conversation's over before I have a chance.
I'm,
Of course, I'm gonna get settled into my hotel.
Like, you know, that that takes a good hour.
But, uh, at some point I wanna to, uh, well, I guess, how late is it?
Tanam: It was just night when you headed over to the Hall and the
battle didn't take so long, but there was time afterwards and so it's a
few hours into night at this point.
Vafrus: At some point I've been really interested in this, artisan lady who
apparently has in-laws that send spiders and can beat them to death with tongs.
Uh,
Tanam: Potential in-laws.
Vafrus: Uh, and yeah, like I was, I, I, I wanted to talk, talk, talk to her
since I found out about the tongs thing.
So, uh, I'm gonna go by and see if she's still up.
And I'm not gonna be super subtle about it, so I guess if anyone
wants to come with me, they can.
Harmony: I'll go with you.
Don: Yes, I'll join as well.
You know, after getting well settled in the hotel of course.
Vafrus: All right, so it's the middle of the night, terribly rude time to
like just go barge in on someone.
But she did say she probably wasn't gonna sleep.
We'll, we'll, we'll kind of lead with that.
Tanam: Okay.
Urekas and Georg while you're putting stuff away and, and, uh, tearing
sheets off of beds, you hear some commotion in the hall and you hear
Hellena's voice, but not enough to, to actually hear what's going on.
And then about an hour later, you can hear a door opening into the hall.
Vafrus: I'm gonna like, gently knock on everybody's doors.
This, this group seems cool.
I'm, I'm just been like, "Hey, I'm, gonna go talk to that weird tongs lady.
You guys should come with me.
It's gonna be good.
I know it."
Don: Yes.
Yeah, I, I'm, I mean, uh, are you gonna make the cheetah talk again?
Vafrus: Oh, was it that obvious?
I thought I was so sneaky.
Don: It, you know, it was pretty sneaky until it got obvious.
I don't think the guards caught on though.
Vafrus: I mean, as long as we get paid, that's what's important.
Don: Oh, I bet we will.
Harmony: I'm just gonna stay behind both of you.
"No, thanks. I am so tired." Oh, and can I read, uh, Georg's mind?
Um, just in general while I'm being sneaky?
Don: No!
Tanam: Um,
Don: I mean yeah, but...
Tanam: Yeah.
Vafrus: Good luck sneaking up on me.
Can you beat perception of negative two?
Harmony: Ha.
Tanam: I guess surface thoughts for Georg?
Don: I'm kind of hungry and, uh, I'm real curious about this.
Uh, errrrr oh, I've forgotten your name.
Um,
Vafrus: Oh, apparently so have I, uh, Ruffort.
Don: Ruffort.
That was it.
Anyway, Ruffort, uh, I'm real curious about Ruffort, so I'm probably
thinking something to the effect of like, uh, "Who is this guy?
He's kind of funny.
I like him.
He, he makes cheetahs talk.
And, and I, anybody who makes cheetahs talks gotta be cool."
Vafrus: Alright.
Well, sensing your opinion of me and also that you were like laughing about getting
paid, I'm also starting to like you back.
Plus you were a pretty good meat shield and I really like
having a meat shield around.
So, uh, despite the fact that Urekas seems to like you sometimes better
than me, I'm- seems like we're cool.
Yeah.
Don: Yes well, definitely
Vafrus: We just start joking and laughing along the way.
Urekas probably doesn't even have to hide.
She can just like walk 10 feet back.
Don: Yeah.
I'm not really looking for her, it's...
Tanam: Do you also knock on Hellena slash Justice's door?
Vafrus: I won't knock, but I'll be like, I'll, I'll go outside the door
and in a like, medium talking voice, be like, "Hey, we're gonna go talk
to that tongs lady. Do you want to come?" And I'll wait like one second.
"Okay. Bye."
I'm less interested in, like, disturbing you right now.
Rozafeen: I was giving myself a foot rub, so I've gotta slip my boots back on.
But yeah, I don't wanna split the party.
Vafrus: All right.
So we're like halfway down the hall and you come out the door and I'm
just like, "Oh, oh. She doesn't look like she's glaring at me now. Okay."
Don: Is that when Urekas just like ducks behind a corner or something?
Harmony: I, I think I jump really high.
You know, there's probably like something I could hold onto on the ceiling, right?
There's probably like a bar.
I've got abs I...
Don: Good old, convenient bars on the ceiling?
Yes.
I'm sure
Harmony: Can I, roll for a bar?
Rozafeen: You gotta roll at 21 on the die.
Tanam: Yeah.
Harmony: laughs
Tanam: I think they have an aesthetic of exposed cross
beams going on in the hallway.
So, I guess athletics check?
You know what?
I guess it's more acrobatics.
Yeah, this is more acrobatics.
Harmony: Eight plus five.
Tanam: Okay.
So 13.
You try to do this super cool maneuver where you're gonna try to get outta
their line of sight by pushing your foot on the wall and jumping up and
grabbing onto a cross beam thing.
And you halfway do it, but you slip when you try to grab it, you
don't get a good grip on the thing, and so you land back on your feet.
Rozafeen: I'm gonna walk by like I didn't see anything but Justice
is gonna walk up to her and sniff.
Harmony: Oh, I love justice.
Uh, I just go, "Hi, everybody. I'm comin."
Rozafeen: I whisper "it would've been a sweet move."
Harmony: Thank you.
Tanam: Okay.
So you head out of the hotel.
You see some staff along the way and there's no
questioning glances or anything.
It is very much you are guests at this fancy hotel and whatever weird
things you want to do, like going out in the middle of the night
is, uh, totally fine with them.
They will be waiting with bated breath for your return is, is at least the
attitude that they're trying to convey.
Harmony: Yeah, I'm used to that.
Vafrus: Watch out, they're gonna tuck yer sheets back in.
Harmony: Oh no!
Rozafeen: Oh, I do say to the group, "Hey, everyone, I, I have a request.
I'm super excited to talk to beat things to death with her
tongs conspiracy theory lady.
Can't explain to you how, how riled up for this I am.
I do wanna sleep tonight, though.
Don: Yes.
I suppose we should get to bed at some point.
Vafrus: I mean yeah, I did all that work to negotiate the rooms.
Of course, we're gonna sleep in 'em.
Rozafeen: I'm just saying if she wants to go to that crazy desert tower
middle of the night right this second.
I think that we need our spell slots back.
Don: Yes.
Well, I certainly wouldn't skip my beauty rest.
Vafrus: Oh, I did say I took an hour.
Can I count that as a short rest?
Tanam: Yes.
I guess, uh, everybody can, unless pulling the sheets off the bed
was like super, uh, strenuous.
We can count it as a short rest.
Harmony: Okay.
It's harder than you think, but not super strenuous.
Tanam: more of a thinking thing rather than a...
Harmony: yeah.
Than a muscle
Tanam: a, it was a, a, it was a puzzle.
One of the many services that they provide, is the famous puzzle sheets.
Vafrus: Watch out for the labyrinth bathtub.
Getting in is easy.
Harmony: Okay.
We'll see who's laughing when we all get attacked eventually in our rooms.
And I'm the one who survives.
Don: I just sleep in my armor.
Vafrus: Honestly, I assumed the point was that you wanted to be
able to steal the sheets easily.
I
Tanam: just,
Harmony: No, the the point was, so if a burglar comes in, I could get
out of the bed very easily instead of you who's gonna be trapped under
your sheets that you didn't untuck.
Vafrus: I can fight from under my sheets just fine.
Harmony: Hmm.
Don: Yeah, Eldritch Blast uh goes right through 'em.
Rozafeen: Sincerely this whole thought that the sheets thing was
about bringing someone home with your 32 charisma or what have you.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Don't want any delays.
You understand?
The slightest hiccup could derail this sort of mission.
You gotta, you gotta have everything just streamlined.
Tanam: I just like the wide variety of justifications we've had for taking
off the sheets off of a hotel bed.
Like I feel like every time I visit one now, I'm gonna need to do this
because there's all these great reasons.
Vafrus: I mean I was just projecting.
Ruffort wants to steal everything, so...
Don: I mean, have you ever gone to a hotel though?
The, the hotel always has the sheets tucked in super tight and 18 blankets
on there, and 23 pillows, and you just chuck it all on the floor.
I'm the only one that does this?
Vafrus: Hotel staff you!
Don: Well, they shouldn't put 23 pillows on the bed, then.
How many people are sleeping in this bed?
Vafrus: They don't get to decide how many pillows go on the bed.
They do have to get them all off the floor.
Don: I don't have that problem.
I, I just chuck them on the floor and then when uh, they do tend to
put them That's the real annoying Cause to do it again next day.
But, uh, you know, uh, if they just left them there...
Harmony: You have germs from the floor, then, on your
pillow and that go on your bed.
Vafrus: You know what you should really do so that they don't put
them back is hide them all over the room in different places.
Harmony: [laughs]
Don: Oh that's genius!
I'm definitely doing that.
Vafrus: That would be so convenient for them.
You know, cuz then they don't have to do as much work.
Harmony: [laughs]
Vafrus: Okay.
We go, we're off to see her illustriousness the, the artisan.
Tanam: Are you having these kinds of fun conversations loudly?
Vafrus: Oh yes.
Harmony: I am very loud.
Vafrus: I've just met a new best friend.
Don: I'm literally walking around in heavy armor.
Everything I do is loud.
Vafrus: [laughs] Yes, our conversation is literally about the sheets actually.
That's, that's, that's just, just laughing and-
[ Harmony: laughs]
Tanam: Okay.
Where are you actually physically aiming yourselves?
Vafrus: Uh, she said something about her stall, and I assume that's around
the area where like, we first heard the sound of tongs smashing spiders, so
I'm just gonna kind of go to that area.
I, you know, figure it'll be obvious.
Tanam: That is inside the wall of the hall.
Inside the hall wall.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: And yeah, there's a wall around the hall and there's a courtyard between
the hall and the wall and against the wall are stalls, that sell everything from food
to the trinkets that the artisan sells.
Being that it is the World Great Gambling Hall, despite being super late, there's
still people around and there's always someone there willing to cue up your item
and throw it in the mirror for you, as well as of course people doing side bets.
Most of the stalls, however, as you are walking over there, are closed up.
There's a stall with a bored looking clerk who's selling the sort of snacks that
someone might want to get in the middle of the night but doesn't have any customers
and just looks hopeful as you pass and then as you keep going, uh, just kind of
"okay," goes back just kind of leaning on the counter and staring at nothing.
Harmony: I flash that clerk a smile.
Tanam: The clerk does see it and, uh, returns it, briefly, and then goes
back to staring off into nothing.
Harmony: Oh, okay.
Now I'm frowning.
Tanam: So you come around the back of the north side of the hall, and
artisan's stall is closed up for the night, but, right next door to it, there
is a food stall that seems mostly closed up, except there's someone standing just
inside of it, in a food server apron.
Vafrus: Do they look like they have fox ears?
Tanam: No.
Vafrus: Oh.
Tanam: But standing in front of him with their back to you, is a cloaked figure.
Rozafeen: Oh!
Does that look familiar?
Tanam: I mean, it's a cloak.
Vafrus: Super familiar.
You've seen cloaks all the time.
Tanam: Yeah, yeah, doesn't necessarily look like the one that you saw before.
But could be.
Rozafeen: Well, that's no fun.
I mean, I can't ask everybody that's wearing a cloak if
they set spiders on the city.
Vafrus: Yeah.
Tanam: The two of them seem to be engaged in a, whispered but lively
conversation, and as you come around the corner, being quite loud, and see them...
Vafrus: "What if tied the sheets in knots and then you hung 'em out the windows?"
Don: That's a good idea.
And then, then when you need to make a quick getaway, you
could just jump out the window.
Vafrus: Tie all of our sheets into long, like a long rope and see if we can set it
out one window and back in another one.
Don: Oh, yes.
Oh, and let's put all the pillows in a big bag and put those under the rope.
So if we fall, it's all cushioned.
Vafrus: So that,
Rozafeen: I think that you should tie the sheets around your pillows.
Vafrus: That conversation represents my stealth check, by the way.
Tanam: Everyone roll a perception check for me...
Vafrus: I rolled a three!
Rozafeen: Is this sight based?
Tanam: Yes, this is sight based.
Rozafeen: Hellena got a 21 and Justice got a nine.
Tanam: Okay.
Harmony: Uh, so my perception is plus two, and when I rolled I got a five.
Tanam: Okay, Georg What did you get?
Don: Oh eight.
Tanam: Total?
Don: No sorry, 11 total.
I can't add.
That's the problem.
Tanam: Hellena as you are saying that you should wrap the sheets around the
pillows, you see the figure in the apron hush the person in the cloak.
Just like, "Oh, hey, people are coming. You should stop talking." It's very clear
that that's what he is trying to convey.
Everyone else just sees that there are people there, but
doesn't, notice that detail.
Although I guess someone did get a three, so...
Vafrus: That was me!
Still haven't noticed there are people.
Tanam: Yeah.
Yeah.
You're still really intently thinking about this idea of wrapping
the, the sheet in various ways.
Don: Sometimes you have to close your eyes to really get a good, uh, notion of it.
Rozafeen: So is that the artisan stall or are they neighbors of the artisan?
Tanam: It's like next door.
Rozafeen: Hmm.
Tanam: cloaked figure briefly turns around.
Just Hellena, you notice a glint of armor coming from the depths of the cloak.
Rozafeen: Hmm.
Tanam: What yours was, what, 21?
Rozafeen: Yes.
Tanam: Yeah, I'll say with that you noticed that, upon turning around
and seeing that it is, y'all, they react visibly and get tense.
They were relaxed before if kind of looming, but , they definitely
tense when they see that it's you.
Vafrus: You should let me know when I notice that there are people there.
Rozafeen: Well, I look right at them and I say, "Hell of a night.
Are y'all still selling food?"
Tanam: The food seller, the person in the apron, I'd say
looked maybe almost relieved?
And says, "Uh, no, just, just boarding up, uh, for the night and, um, uh, just,
you know, just kind of finishing up and, uh, gonna get home and get some rest
before, uh, you know, got an early day tomorrow. Got hungry people to feed."
Rozafeen: And I say, "Oh, that's a shame. I'm starving!"
Tanam: I'm going to roll here.
Okay.
The shopkeeper briefly makes eye contact with you, like directly, and, is seeming
to think something over and then looks over at the cloaked figure and shakes his
head a bit, and says, "Uh, well, sorry, closed everything up. Um, first thing in
the morning though, be a, uh, uh, I'll have, uh, a great breakfast tomorrow."
Don: Oh, wha What's for breakfast?
Vafrus: Yeah, dm. What's for breakfast?
Don: Oh, I suppose I did put you on the spot there, didn't I?
Tanam: Here, read this menu.
Um,
Don: Oh, eggs, Ham.
Ooh, yes.
I
Rozafeen: So I don't mean to monopolize, but part of what I'm trying to accomplish
here is I'm giving myself a little bit more time to observe anything
about the cloaked figure, see if maybe, uh, Justice can smell anything
other than whatever's for breakfast.
Tanam: Go ahead and give me an investigation roll.
Are you guys heading over closer to them?
Vafrus: Yeah, if they're right by the stall where we want to go.
Also, apparently we're interested in breakfast now, so yeah, we're
basically crowding around them.
"Do you have any sheets?
We're gonna need breakfast and a lot of sheets right now."
Rozafeen: I rolled a nat 20 on my investigation!
No joke!
Plus one.
Tanam: Teeth!
Okay.
With the heading over there and that excellent Nat 20, I think you,
managed to, despite his best efforts, definitely know for sure that this
is in fact the breastplate guy.
Rozafeen: Mm-hm.
Tanam: He is trying super hard to like, keep his face hidden and
his body hidden with the cloak but he's not super good at it.
But, I think you're the only one that notices it.
Rozafeen: Okay, I'll keep it to myself for now.
Tanam: Okay, so you've crowded around this, this poor shopkeeper and, and this
cloaked figure and proceed to interrogate him about what foods are on the breakfast
menu and harass him for a while until he brings out a menu and shows you like
that, that like these wonderful etchings of the various dishes that he will
be providing in not that many hours.
Vafrus: So deeply, I want this to be the villain of the campaign, and we're
interrogating him about nothing important.
Harmony: I just gonna say, I, I bat my eyelashes at him and
go, "Please. We're so hungry."
Tanam: Roll persuasion.
Harmony: Okay.
Uh, persuasion is plus five and awww I only rolled a four.
Tanam: Oh, no.
Rozafeen: No breakfast for you.
Harmony: Awww.
Tanam: That's unfortunately not going to do it.
He's like looking very tired, but just like ducks his head back inside the
shop and reaches over and comes back with an apple and hands it to you.
Harmony: Huh alright I just, I just start juggling it.
Just the one apple.
Tanam: Okay.
Make a performance check.
Harmony: Okay.
My performance, um, it's a plus 10.
And then I just rolled a nine.
So 19.
Tanam: You do an amazing job of juggling the apple and in fact, you
eat the whole apple, in between tosses.
Harmony: Like Ha!
Cool.
Tanam: Everyone is very entertained and the cloaked figure is slowly backing away.
Just like trying to, like, trying to be subtle and to disengage and is not doing
a very good job of it and realizes that.
And just finally just looks at the store keeper and is very clearly
like trying to change his voice.
He's like "I'm leaving now I'll I'll see you tomorrow."
Vafrus: All right So at that point I notice him, and since Urekas is busy
with the storekeeper, I'm gonna talk to him, uh, because I remembered that
we were actually here for a purpose.
I'll be like, "Hey, you've been here for a minute. Did you, uh, see if there was
any like fox lady who was uh, hanging out next door? Is she still awake?"
Tanam: "I just got here" and you just,
Vafrus: He's like, oh, yeah, that makes sense,
Tanam: He turns around and just like, runs away.
like trying to not look like he's running is
Vafrus: like it sounds like you got something caught in throat.
You might wanna stay in tomorrow.
Tanam: "I'll be back tomorrow."
Vafrus: No, no don't come back.
That's what I'm saying.
What a nice guy that was.
Rozafeen: So can I go knock on the stall next door?
Tanam: Yeah.
Rozafeen: I'm not being subtle about it or anything.
We've been loud as hell, I'm kind of surprised that the person hasn't come out.
Tanam: Okay.
Yeah.
So you go over and bang on the boards.
The shopkeeper is like, "She's, she's not here. She's, uh, usually
only here until the early evening. And then, and then she heads home."
Vafrus: "Ah, shucks. I don't know where she lives. Do you know
where she lives?" I'll look at the shopkeeper, eyes burning into his soul.
Rozafeen: Oh yeah, that'll be convincing.
Vafrus: Do more things for us.
Don: This poor shopkeeper, we've, we've just berated him.
We've cajoled him, tried to get breakfast out of the guy, now,
Vafrus: I've been waiting for an excuse to start casting spells at him.
You just
Don: oh, no.
Tanam: So he looks startled that you would ask and very unconvincingly lies
his head off, "No, I, I have no idea. I just, you know, I just, we're just,
you know, stall neighbors, you know, I don't know where she lives at all."
Vafrus: Okay.
Tanam: And his eyes are saying, "Please, please let me go."
Vafrus: My insight is rather bad.
So I think we should roll for this one.
I might, I might believe him.
Tanam: Okay.
Vafrus: I got a one, not a nat.
Don: Ho
Vafrus: I got a, I rolled a three and my insight is minus two, so I got a one.
Tanam: Okay.
No one else does, but you definitely believe him.
Vafrus: Like, ah shucks
Tanam: Just, yeah.
Vafrus: There's no way forward, guys.
Rozafeen: I look at him and I say, "Look, mister. I walked all the way
down here to talk to this crazy-ass lady that I watched beat a spider
to death with a pair of tongs."
Tanam: Yeah that was nuts, wasn't it?
Rozafeen: And I didn't even get breakfast out of it.
So help a girl out.
Tanam: "Tell you what, if you'll just let me go to bed, I'll
give you all breakfast tomorrow.
You can show up.
She'll be here tomorrow.
She comes every day, um, and you just, just show up here in the
morning and I'll, I'll give you all a nice, a nice breakfast, um,
and, and you can talk to her then.
Don: I mean, I do like breakfast.
Yeah, uh mmnnuhh That seems reasonable, right?
Vafrus: We should have breakfast in our room first and then
have second breakfast here.
Harmony: That sounds great.
Don: Definitely, definitely.
Uh, why did we need to talk to her tonight anyway?
Vafrus: I don't know.
Rozafeen: I look at him and I say, "It better be the best breakfast that
I and my cheetah have ever had in our natural lives, and if your neighbor is
upset that we had to wait to talk to her because she was waiting to find us,
then I will let her deal with you in whatever way her displeasure moves her."
Vafrus: At that moment.
I'm like, "Wait a minute. You do know where she lives, don't you?"
Rozafeen: I'm done talking to this man, I just start leaving.
Vafrus: [Laughs]
Tanam: He, he looks, he looks utterly defeated and finishes closing up his shop.
I think you all head back to your rooms.
Any shenanigans on the way back?
Are you going to go harass any other shopkeepers or, uh, steal
anyone else's sheets or, uh?
Rozafeen: Hellena's like genuinely upset that there's no fancy breakfast.
Tanam: I mean, there is, you just have to wait.
Harmony: Oh, what time does breakfast open?
Vafrus: I mean, at our hotels, it's whenever we want, we can...
Harmony: No, I, no, I mean, I mean, but for the, the fancy breakfast.
Don: Quick!
Run after that shopkeeper!
I'm sure he knows.
Tanam: hahaha
Harmony: I, I, I, run after the shopkeeper.
Tanam: He sees you coming and starts running.
Rozafeen: I'm like, "Urekas leave him alone. Poor man."
Harmony: I I run faster and just yell, "What time is breakfast?"
Tanam: Here right after, right after it starts being day,
just..."
It... just... In the morning!" He keeps running.
Rozafeen: I'm just mumbling.
I'm marching back to the hotel.
I'm like, "Can't even gimme a wedge of cheese. mrmrmr"
Tanam: So you get back to the hotel, and the attendant nods welcome and,
says, "All guests are entitled to late night snacks in the dining room. If
that's something you're interested in."
Rozafeen: I say, "Finally! Someone reansonable."
Don: Damn straight.
Vafrus: All right, I'm gonna go to bed.
Tanam: Are you skipping the snacks?
Vafrus: Yeahhhh.
I, well, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm pretty confident I can get
snacks in my room if I want.
Tanam: I assume that, Hellena goes and gets some, uh, snacks
for herself and for Justice.
And Urekas returns to the, uh, properly de-sheeted bed.
Harmony: Yeahhhh I don't wanna get crumbs in the bed without any
sheets, so I just go straight to bed.
Tanam: And Georg does some armor polishing, before turning in.
Don: Definitely, uh, I mean, there's still spider guts on it.
We can't have this.
Tanam: We'll call that an evening.
It has been a very long day.
You all just met, and you've been attacked by spiders and
denied late night breakfast.
And that's a lot to process.
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: That music is not period appropriate!
The Intern: Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: If I ever to roll initiative to something that
long, I'm going to kill you.
The Intern: Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: Hellena is pissed.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: Warlock spell slots are awesome except when they run out, then they suck.
The Intern: Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: "I'll see you tomorrow."
The Intern: And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as The Intern.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with "hit song" hear more music
at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Instagram Kvw dot Makes.
He also plays clarinet in Glitch Kibitz- Kibitz with an I not a U.
Listen at glitchkibitz.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey.
Support us on Patreon for access to outtakes, worldbuilding, and more!
Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com,
where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com..
" Vafrus: "Wait a minute! I think that guy wasn't using his real voice!"