The Intern: Coming to you from my super secret recording studio, welcome to Coffee, Cults and-
Rando: New kid, is that you? Your boss is looking for you. Are you hiding in the supply closet again?
The Intern: Uh, no?
As I was saying, welcome to episode one of my new hit podcast, Coffee Cults and Empires, coming to you from another world. I was listening around in the experiment- you know, the one that Inside the Box Sciences Incorporated is about to commit to the incinerator- well, I thought that you all should hear that the experiment has real people with real lives. Like, I found a bunch of professors who started playing a tabletop RPG set in their own past!
Boss: Hello? Where the hell- Listen kid, I can hear you, so I assume you can hear me. Someone left a soy milk vanilla frappuccino on my desk and you know how I feel about fake ass plant udder milk. Where's the caramel macchiato I actually asked for?
The Intern: We open with our intrepid heroes meeting up at the historical Great World Gambling Hall of Mirrors.
Boss: I can still hear you. Are you talking to yourself about that podcast again? I already told you it's pointless. Management doesn't want it and I don't want them crawling up my ass about it. We're axing that damn project by the end of fiscal.
The Intern: My hope is that when you listen to this podcast and these people, you'll realize this experimental world has sentience and deserves the privilege of, uh,
Boss: There you are. If I don't have a coffee, the right coffee, in my hands in the next ten minutes, we're going to have one less intern working here.
The Intern: Uh, uh, I'll get on it. Enjoy the podcast!
Tanam: Okay, y'all ready?
We find you all nearly a thousand years ago, in the southeast corner of the Lonyu Empire. In the few years since the Great World Gambling Hall opened here, the hour long trek between the Bridgelands and the Hall has sprouted an absolutely wild party. It's ongoing, continuous, all day, all night And a lot of people are here just to party, but there are others who make a living by providing for the needs of the people who are here just to party.
Harmony and Don, I think that we said that Urekas and Georg are already here near the Great Hall. You were making fun of the local coffee?
Harmony: Yes.
Don: Neh. Silly coffee.
Tanam: And Vafrus. Ruffort came across South Bridge, did he go directly north to the Gambling Hall?
Vafrus: Sure. Yeah. He's probably. That's like where all the happenin' stuff is, or at least, you know, the best suckers probably can be found there. Let's, let's, let's head up. Quick, quick aside, Tanam.
Tanam: Yeah?
Vafrus: It's just a dumb joke. Nevermind.
Tanam: Go ahead. No, Go ahead. Go
Rozafeen: Oh, really? Must he?
Vafrus: Oh. Oh. What did the coffee report to the constable?
Tanam: What, what did...
Vafrus: A mugging! Hahahaha. You're just talking about coffee. I remembered that one. Anyway, continue.
Tanam: I think we decided that your character is such that he would probably be staying in some of the nicer places, either in the Bridgelands or up further along the way towards the Great Hall?
Vafrus: Oh yeah. After all, I'm, I'm Ruffort, beautiful prince from somewhere. I haven't really decided.
I've gotta keep up appearances.
Tanam: You head up through there... it is... frenetic. There's people runnin' all around. There's these amazing markets along the trail selling whatever. It looks like there's set up that have started camping at one point and just didn't stop and maybe had kids there. And are now raising their families, in this permanent party zone. anywhere you look, there's someone who wants you to buy something. And you look like someone who can buy something . And so everyone's paying attention to you, at least a little bit. You head up towards The Gate, where The Hall is and where the action is. in a shaded area, by the side of the road, is a canopy tent, so no walls or anything, with lots of ground seating. So just, little cushions and things like that with tables. A big swath of red hair catches your eye and you think, " No, no, that can't be Urekas! What would she be doing here?"
Vafrus: All right. yeah, obviously I gotta go take another look. You know, things, I don't notice things very often, so it's a big deal when I catch something. I, I assume there's like a crowd or something around?
Tanam: Harmony, do you wanna describe what all's going on?
Harmony: Let's see. I mean, definitely drinking coffee, judging, telling jokes, kind of keeping an eye out for everybody, but also appreciating we have a little bit of privacy cuz there's only like three people hanging around. It's like they're listening to us, but they're not demanding conversation from me.
Don: "Perhaps these people could use one of my coffee makers. I, I guess they, they probably couldn't make worse coffee, of course."
Harmony: I bet they could.
Don: Even my coffee was never this bad.
Harmony: Did you drink your own coffee?
Don: Hey!
Harmony: Sorry.
Vafrus: Having, having got a good enough look to confirm that I think it is Urekas, I will start quietly freaking out, and, and and consulting my spirit about, "Whoa. This, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. Can't blow it. Can't blow it. Oh my goodness." and I will, I will put on my, my best, most handsome face, uh, which is Ruffort Olivar, the, uh, uh, esteemed prince from far away. And I will, uh, after calming myself a bit, go up and try to introduce myself. What happens when people approach you, uh, Urekas?
Harmony: They are just filled with ecstasy. Like, like imagine it's your wedding every day,
Vafrus: That is is, that is exactly how it's going down. Uh...
Don: Uhhhh.
Vafrus: I walk up get in line with the syncophants, I guess. Uh, looks like, looks like there's, there's a queue.
Tanam: I- I'd say that people have kind of settled in, so it's more just, they're arranged on shorter cushions, looking on admiringly.
Vafrus: Okay. All right. "I can do this." I walk up like I'm supposed to be there, all very calm and confident, and sit down on one of the cushions.
Tanam: And, and are you picking one of the thicker cushions that will put you at eye level of Urekas? Or are you sitting on one of the thinner cushions down with the admirers?
Vafrus: Ooh, how brave am I feeling? Let's see. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with the, the bigger cushion.
Rozafeen: Woo!
Vafrus: I am a prince after all.
Rozafeen: From somewhere.
Vafrus: inside. Yeah. From somewhere. I'm, I'm inwardly terrified, but outside, I'm just cool, calm, happy. Probably You should know- you should recognize me actually, you know. [hyperventilates]
Tanam: So Urekas and Georg, a very clearly well-off gentleman comes in from the road and plants himself there, in one of the cushions and settles in.
Vafrus: All right. I'll wait for a pause in the conversation, or if you like, pay any attention to me. I'm obviously not going to interrupt-
Harmony: I hear some panting and so I, I
Vafrus: no, no. The panting is only in my brain. There is-
Don: well, it's good that you managed to the panting to yourself.
Harmony: Alright, I, you know, I, I can sense there's a new presence and so I just coyly turn one shoulder back and I smile.
Vafrus: Oooo...
Harmony: And the wind is flowing in my hair as we make eye contact.
Vafrus: All right. Uh, I am as handsome as someone can be.
Harmony: Is this what you're saying to me?
Vafrus: No, no, no. is, this is, is what you see. Uh, I've, I've literally used magic to come up with the prettiest person I could figure out, uh. As you smile at me. I'm, I'm I'll just, Oh man. Can I even keep my cool? Yes, I can. Okay. Uh,
Tanam: Would you like to roll?
Vafrus: I just did. Yep. Uh, I set a threshold for myself and I made my saving throw. I'm going to, uh, say, "Urekas? Is that you? It's been a while. How are you doing?"
Harmony: Oh, I, I, I start blushing, my face is the color of my hair. And I go, "Hello! It's been so long. I'm wonderful. How are you?"
Vafrus: I said, "Oh, I'm fantastic. I was just doing some, uh, recruiting in the area and came across the best recruiter I know. What have you been up to?"
Harmony: A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Would you like some bad coffee?
Vafrus: Uh, sure. From you, anything.
Don: Alternatively, would you like some good coffee? I, I pull out a small coffee maker.
Vafrus: Said "I would love some good coffee." Uh, and I hold my hand and to, to you. Uh, Georg. Kind of give you a questioning look as a, I don't know who you are.
Don: "Uh, Georg," uh, and I operate the coffee machine.
Vafrus: Okay.
Don: You know, stuff some grounds in there and press the thing down and, you know, it looks like a, a contraption that's just slapped together, but it works. Press down on it, add some water, pressed down some more. Uh, you hear some bubbling and burbling and, and out comes a cup of coffee of, uh, --out of character-- a questionable quality.
Vafrus: [laughs] Alright. I will offer you my hand and, uh, introduce myself as "Ruffort Olivar, wonderful to meet you. You must be such an important person to have such friends in high places," and I will graciously accept your coffee and try my best to look like I enjoy it.
Don: I, I give, uh, Urekas kind of side long, like glare and a shake of the head. And I go, "Yes, yes. Uh, illustrious position."
Harmony: I roll my eyes. I was playing with my hair at first, but now I'm just kind of like pulling it and tangling it. But then I go back and I maintain my cool.
Vafrus: All right, I assume this must, I believe them when they tell me it's good coffee. I think there's something wrong with me if I don't like it so I'm just like, "Yep, it's good."
Harmony: You know, if you want something even better, I can provide that. It'll just cost a little bit.
Vafrus: Oh, well I have, uh, money to spare. What, what is it?
Harmony: It's a special brew originally made from the Nox Villages, of course, but I have been making it better throughout my travel, throughout the Lyndig Empire, across the bridge, the Mindbreacher Empire. And um, yeah, it's actually a little bit of an experiment.
Vafrus: Always. From, The Great Urekas, I will, I will accept anything you have to offer me.
Harmony: Okay, handsome. It's just one gold.
Vafrus: No problem. No, I'll pay you.
Don: Wow. Really, really up the price on this, haven't you?
Harmony: I've uped the quality.
Don: Ah that's what it is.
Harmony: You are so bitter and jealous. It's okay.
Don: Yes, well, I like my personality like I like my coffee.
Harmony: Bitter and jealous?
Don: Yeah, exactly. Got it one
Vafrus: Okay. I am genuinely starting to like Georg.
Tanam: you guys continue to sit and make fun of each other's coffee.
Vafrus: I feel so happy with myself that I'm in with the cool kids. This is amazing.
Harmony: And I just make this note, by the way, as you hand me the gold, like your hands are so soft.
Vafrus: Oh,
Harmony: bit of an extended touch.
Vafrus: I, melt a little. That,
Harmony: Hmm
Vafrus: You have found a mark. I will, I fold every time to that.
Don: I just sort of sit and roll my eyes behind coffee cup.
Harmony: Yeah. Georg needs more lotion.
Don: Hmm
Tanam: Hellena, although no longer working for the coffee folks as a courier, does occasionally get updates from them about sightings of Urekas. And someone saw her coming off of South Bridge and heading up to the Great Gambling Hall. You were south of the Bridgelands, north of the Hedios Empire. But somebody found you and mentioned that, they think that she's heading up to the Gambling Hall and that you might be able to track her down there.
Rozafeen: Okay, well I... let's assume that I've arrived
Tanam: You head up that same road. Now did you stay in any of the nice fancy inns in the Bridgelands while you were there? Or did you camp instead?
Rozafeen: Oh, I don't even sleep with a bedroll.
Tanam: Okay. And can you sleep with the, uh, constant partying going on?
Rozafeen: I think that maybe I didn't sleep well. I tend to like quiet.
Tanam: You would then have headed off the trail a bit and maybe slept over on the western shores, near the ocean, and then headed back to the trail and, head up through there. And I think you are taking your time more cuz you are actively searching, but, you do come upon that same tent. And there she is, holding court almost. And you definitely recognize her. And then, next to her is a guy who you thought was, selling coffee at the entrance to Northbridge. But he seems to have become one of the folks that follows her around.
Rozafeen: Oh, that's too bad. He was a nice chap.
Tanam: And there's also a noble-looking fellow, sitting across from her.
Vafrus: "... so the secret is to prestidigitate every day."
Rozafeen: The coffee selling chap, what is he wearing? Is he in casual clothes or is he outfitted in some sort of armor?
Don: Yes, Yes, I, uh, I am dressed in in very elaborate armor. Uh, it's, uh, it's a entire suit of, uh, of splint mail. Uh, but it's, it's enhanced with what looks to to be little, uh, pistons and things that, uh, can something. You can't tell There's also a little, a backpack and some contraptions that stick out in odd places.
Rozafeen: Nice. And what is Urekas wearing?
Harmony: Um, I'm wearing a long, flowing dress. It's green.
Rozafeen: Green. Nice. Okay. and I assume the prince from somewhere is in finery.
Vafrus: Yeah. Flowing purple robes. They kind of get smokey and indistinct at the bottom.
Don: Very fancy.
Vafrus: Yeah. Very expensive.
Rozafeen: So it's difficult for me to sneak up on anyone considering that I am striding toward the group with my cheetah. I have a friendly look about me and so does Justice. The cheetah is very happy today. She ate well recently. I think that I am going to approach neither Urekas nor the Prince. I'm gonna go straight to Georg and say, "Well, hello there machine man. It's been so long since I've seen you."
Don: Wait, wait. Uh, Hellena?
Rozafeen: That's right!
Don: Are you making deliveries through here now?
Rozafeen: No, I'm here on a mix of a mix of business and pleasure.
Vafrus: Holy cloud is that a cheetah?
Don: Oh! Very good. good.
Rozafeen: I pat Justice on the head and I don't answer him.
Vafrus: I noticed like 40 seconds after it's like right next to my head.
Rozafeen: Justice gives a little sniff.
Don: is, you have a new, uh, companion? I, I see.
Rozafeen: " Oh, how rude of me. I should make introductions. Everyone, this is Justice. Justice, this is everyone; they're not dinner."
Don: Well, thank you for clarifying. I-
Rozafeen: it's important to make boundaries straightforward.
Harmony: Hi Justice!
Rozafeen: I look over as if I'm somewhat surprised. "Oh, Urekas, it's nice to see you."
Harmony: Hi! I detect a little bit of a tone, but that's okay. You must be wary.
"
Rozafeen: "It is true that this is, Oh," I check my, -there's no actual watch on my hand- " 12th time I've checked in about the money you owe me. But that doesn't make it not nice to see you."
Harmony: okay, well, "it's nice to see you, too." And then I actually get up and then I whisper in Hellena's ear, " I can't be seen giving money," and then I just pull it back and I smile.
Don: Well, this isn't an awkward position all.
Rozafeen: No, I assure you, I'm, I am not here simply to collect money. I'm seeing the sights, checking out the town, meeting new people. Uh, for example, I don't think that I've met you before, Prince from somewhere?
Vafrus: Oh, yes. Uh, my name is Ruffort Oliver. I'm traveling about really just seeing the sites.
Don: You know, speaking of Prince, uh, Ruffort, uh, where are you a prince of?
Vafrus: Oh, I'm from, I'm from Virindale.
Don: Ah, Virindale!
Vafrus: "I spent most of my childhood kind of cooped up. My father was always trying to get me to, uh, you know, handle affairs of state and this or that. But I've decided to, uh, you know, break free of that for a while and see the world, get to know the people, you know, and course the, the charming ladies." And I'll give Urekas a wink.
Harmony: Ah, I wink back.
Rozafeen: Hellena just Looks at both of you and says "ew."
Don: Yes, "ew" indeed.
Vafrus: Meanwhile, I'm in my mind being like, "Wait, Urekas owes money?! I can use this somehow..." Uh, like...
Harmony: And I'm just smiling.
Rozafeen: Oh, I guess one thing that it's worth telling the group You know how it's difficult to play a character that's a lot more intelligent than you are? It's difficult for me to play a character that's more charismatic than I am. So I think that the bluntness and the so forth was not coming off as, "Oh, hahaha" as it should have been if I were actually as good at that as this character is supposed to be.
Vafrus: We have three charismatic characters. This is great. Everyone's the leader. No.
Rozafeen: It's, it's not her top score, but she's definitely not a slouch.
Vafrus: All right. I will imagine you as completely charismatic from here on.
Don: Well, I suppose I'm the, uh, odd one out, then. I. Charisma is apparently my dump stat.
Vafrus: Let's go swindle some people at the, Big Gambling Hall.
Tanam: um,
Rozafeen: You are very funny.
Don: Yes. I imagine a prince going and swindling people!
Vafrus: Oh yeah, Yeah. Just a, just a joke.
Rozafeen: Did I actually take your life savings? I thought it was pocket change!
Harmony: I like someone with a sense of humor.
Vafrus: As I'm like legitimately you know, looking around at all the fat purses and being like, "hmm. He looks like mark!" like, while also paying another gold for another coffee! "All these gullable people around me! hwaa!"
Harmony: Huh. Are are you wearing a different cologne?
Rozafeen: I look at Ruffort. "You don't have to be a good person, but you do have to behave.
Vafrus: I always behave Madam." And I'll give you my best Ruffort-y smile.
Rozafeen: Justice sniffs your head again.
Vafrus: I, very nervously, like hold very still; my hands start, halfway doing a spell then like, I stop as I'm like, "Nah, it's probably not necessary."
"So, uh, Hellena is it? Uh, tell me what, what brings you to uh, Urekas's tent? You're just looking for money to
Rozafeen: Well, like I mentioned, I always wanna check in with Urekas, see what she's doing, how her savings are going, et cetera. But no, that's not the only reason that I'm here.
Vafrus: Are you like old friends?
Rozafeen: Uh, we're... would you say we're business associates, Urekas? Does that sound fair?
Harmony: How about we're business friends?
Rozafeen: I like that. You, you have always had a way with words.
Harmony: Thank you.
Rozafeen: But I do like the crowds and the sights and most of the smells.
Vafrus: For sure, for sure. I've, I've rarely seen such a wild and fun party. But, if it's, business and, and money, you're after, I understand there are some, uh, rather fat purses up at the, the Gambling Hall. Uh, could you go try our luck there?
Don: I do believe lightening some others' purses would... I could use a new set of armor.
Vafrus: This is not a new set of armor? Your, armor looks so splendid already. Did you need a newer set than this?
Don: Thank you. Yes. This is only splintmail though. I've, I've been looking to upgrade to some full plate. Ah,
Rozafeen: Well, it does seem a well loved suit.
Don: Oh, I do love it.
Vafrus: "What are all the little do dad thingies?" And I start like rudely...
Don: "Oh, oh, good God!" And like a little ah, little, uh, spray of, of coffee, just jets out.
Vafrus: Completely drenches me; somehow doesn't stain the robes.
Don: That's, that's where I keep some of my, uh, uh, coffee. Uh, I use it to power the suit a bit.
Vafrus: just like
Rozafeen: Hellena did an impressive acrobatics trick to get herself about 15 feet away from that mess.
Don: Yes. Uh, don't press the This is all can say.
Vafrus: I prestidigitate myself, even though I'm already spotless.
Harmony: Some of the coffee is on my dress and I just look at you, mouth agape.
Vafrus: "Oh, Urekas! My apologies." And I will, I will prestidigitate you clean as well. And make you a tiny flower.
Harmony: you know what? Now I think it was worth it.
Vafrus: It's like a kind of fake looking snow-sculpt flower.
Harmony: Right. It smells like your hands, so I'll take it.
Rozafeen: I promise not to touch the buttons, but what do they do?
Don: "Oh, so someone who wants to know about the buttons. See this one? Ah, I use it to, to fix things!" and I, I press it and all sorts of little, uh, many tools all in one come out and, uh, and look at something, look the little eye, and then it comes back in. Little, little arm extends and then goes back In. "This one, I, I have a coffee poultice deployer right here. It's, uh,"
Rozafeen: Okay
Don: It's on my hand and it's a little square, and I can just press it against people and, and, uh, it will apply a coffee poultice. Uh, it helps heal them a bit.
Rozafeen: Hmm, That's handy.
Don: Uh, this is a grease container. Uh, don't touch that one. You don't want grease all over you.
Rozafeen: I don't, You're right.
Vafrus: I remember that one for later.
Tanam: At that, Calumn hears inside of his head, "My best dark servant, do not touch the buttons, for it is not in our interest at this time."
Vafrus: Ooh, message from my Dark Lord. I'm so excited. Okay. Yes. I resolve not to touch the buttons.
Don: Great. And, uh, ah, also don't touch this, this one, uh, especially, uh, this one sprays, uh, a very concentrated acidic coffee. Uh, I can, I can direct it out. It's on my other hand and, and, uh, it, You don't want to press it. Highly toxic.
Rozafeen: Noted.
Vafrus: but I wanna touch the buttons even worse now. Oh, no. Okay, no. I resolve, I resolve not to physically touch the buttons. Wise master, Doesn't want me touching the buttons. Got it.
Don: I can see we're going have problems.
Tanam: Is the start of a very troubling friendship.
Vafrus: You've just given me a bunch of buttons I'm not supposed to press One after the other. Don't press here. Don't press like,
Tanam: And definitely don't press right here.
Don: I make a mental note to switch all of my buttons
Tanam: Okay, you talk pleasantly into the evening. Everybody is either super charismatic or possessing of very particular special interests, will talk endlessly about them. The sky turns dark and the sunstones scattered about gradually cut their glow. Some folks come around and, and light some torches and little braziers in the tent. And you think it might be a good time to approach The Hall at night, which is how it has always been recommended to you.
Vafrus: So yeah, I get up. "Let's head off toward the gambling place!"
Rozafeen: I pause for a second. Look down. Take one of the cushions with me.
Harmony: I get up and two of my followers-- friends, uh-- hold the back of my dress so it doesn't get dirty as I walk.
Don: I just get up and walk like a normal freaking person.
Tanam: Okay, settle in for story time. I went to the university archives and I found an actual guidebook from around the time that the game is set, so, uh, yeah, this is from "The Great World Gambling Hall of Mirrors" by Mitalin Skyspeckle.
Approach the Hall at night, ready to drink in this marvel of our world. You see, before you, The Gate, which is not a mere portal through the wall. No, the gate's two sides can swing in and out, and they're kept open such that one swung in and one is swung out, always opposing. It is said this is to respect the inflow and outflow of fortune, but none of the official descriptions say as such, so I'm not sure if we believe them. Which door faces which way changes on some irregular basis as the guards are serious in their business and seek to remind everyone that should there be a real need to do so, the Gates can be closed against any threat. The gate is solid of unknown material, but covered from top to bottom with fragments of mirror, all flawed, imperfect reminders of those within. Above the gate, centered and stationary in the air, is a ball of twisting, swirling light and cloud as big as a horse, which lights the whole span of the ground. And why it's so important to come at night is that this display is impressive during the day, but at night it is truly stunning. You really should first see it at night. The only thing that you will see when you pass through The Gate is The Hall. The building is tall and beautiful, made all the more so by the knowledge of what it holds within. The doors would be impressive on any other structure, easily five times my height depicting in gold relief, a mythologized history of the Lonyu, but after The Gate, it's honestly somewhat of a disappointment."
Vafrus: I look at those things.
Tanam: You slowly walk in through The Gate and it's a big enough span that you can take your time and look at it. And it is very impressive.
Rozafeen: Well, surely as we're walking through, there's an area somewhat crevice-y that I can kind of duck into such that I can, check everyone out a little bit more discreetly.
Tanam: I think if you stand off to the side you're fine. The Gate is big enough that you standing there looking at it, or even with your back to it, you're not going to block anyone's view of the majesty of The Gate, which would, I think would be everyone's primary concern.
So yeah, you can kind of identify folks from clothes that they wear. it's mostly folks from the Large Continent, but definitely with a strong mix of folks from the Small Continent and even from the Fyoos, wide range of, uh, wealthy and, poor. Most people are carrying some object with them, and it's clear that this is the object that they're, uh, going to be offering to the mirrors in order to see if they can get something interesting in return.
Don: I'm looking around admiring anybody wearing armor, potentially looking around for people that might have better armor than me for, uh, inspiration and, you know, possible trading, things like that.
Tanam: So I'm gonna say that, Hellena is paying the most attention to what's going on, but this whole area is generally known to be safe. The guards are ubiquitous and they don't look kindly upon even pick pocketing or, that sort of thing. And definitely not violence outside of the uh, prescribed places. a normal, fun evening in the area and everyone's being impressed by The Gate and so it takes you a moment, Hellena, to understand what it is you're seeing.
Rozafeen: Okay
Tanam: Running along the trail and also over the top of the walls, are a number of giant spiders. This is not a known spider hangout.
And they are moving very quickly. This is not the spiders have decided to come visit the Great Hall; it looks like an assault. And there are three heading basically right towards the crowd.
Rozafeen: Hmm, what kind of warning would I give without around us? "Danger is coming. Watch your back."
Tanam: Okay. There's some other folks that just happen to be around you as well, and they look at you and look at the cheetah and say, "You know what, If someone is, who's walking around with a cheetah says something about danger, then, maybe it's a good idea to heed it." And they turn around and see the giant spiders coming in freak the fuck out and run towards The Hall. With that, the spiders are getting close
Tanam: enough that, um, I'd like everyone to roll initiative.
oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second here. I've got this- I've got this rock.
Don: I was just about to roll initiative.
Tanam: I I I got this rock. Hold on, hold on. Ready? Ready?
Rozafeen: I'll never be ready.
Tanam: Here goes. Roll for initiative.
Rozafeen: What the hell is that?
Vafrus: was, that was pretty cool. That was pretty cool, Tanam.
Tanam: It's, I got this, I got this rock specifically for, uh, for roll for initiative, I feel like we should have some period appropriate music that works.
Vafrus: Period appropriate, did you, how much did you pay for that?
Tanam: We won't go into that.
Rozafeen: Whoa.
Tanam: It is, it is, it is a, it is a first gen, so,
Rozafeen: it?
Vafrus: Tanam !
Rozafeen: It was a, it was a cool sound, don't get me wrong. Props to whoever recorded it. Probably not a thousand years ago, though.
Harmony: Yeah...
Don: I don't know, it might have been a thousand years ago.
Vafrus: got a got thousand year old recording rock for our tabletop game?
Tanam: yeah.
Don: I mean, or it was like a one year old recording rock of someone recording themselves playing cool instruments.
Tanam: I, I have, I have every guarantee that this is, this is, legitimately old.
Harmony: Every guarantee.
Vafrus: Wow,
Tanam: yeah. Okay. So, roll for initiative.
Vafrus: let me just pull out my thousand year old dice that I brought to the game.
Rozafeen: did you get them guaranteed original?
Vafrus: uh, yeah, certified thousand year old dice. Let me just pull them out... shit, Tanam.
Rozafeen: You know, Tanam, I've got some things that I would like to sell you. We can talk after.
Don: yeah, seriously. Also, um... Uh, are the dice made of bone, because that'd be pretty cool.
Vafrus: No, there's no thousand year old dice. I don't...
Don: if, if everybody's got thousand year old things at the table. I didn't bring my thousand year old dagger, uh, that I don't have.
Harmony: All my friends are broke. How ironic!
Don: oh, Harmony. What do you have that's a thousand years old?
Harmony: I have my dignity.
Don: Wow. Yeah. I I bet that is a thousand years old. certainly dusty enough.
Rozafeen: Is it still living?
Vafrus: Ohhhh, I guess, I guess there's a combat coming up?
Don: I guess we're gonna fight some stuff, huh?
Tanam: Yeah. You're. You're. spiders coming. Please, please be, roll some initiative.
Don: Nine, here.
Harmony: have 8
Rozafeen: 19
Don: Someone's paying attention. That's very good.
Vafrus: Twenty three.
Tanam: Whew!
Don: Two, someones are paying attention.
Vafrus: Unusual for me. 'S'll be the only time this campaign
Tanam: up first is Ruffort.
Vafrus: Alright.
Tanam: You've got three spiders charging. You probably haven't seen the spiders on the wall.
Vafrus: Probably not, but I can see spiders on the ground?
Tanam: There's spiders like running up the road, basically.
Vafrus: Can I get a quick idea of like what the guards' response is? We mentioned that this is like a protected area.
Tanam: This is a well guarded space, so the people screaming and running towards the Great Hall... There are two guards running towards the gate to investigate. They've got spears; they're heading towards you. The spiders are 60 feet away.
Vafrus: Okay, I will, uh, after quickly being convinced by my spirit that I actually should help and not just let this problem be solved by, you know, spiders getting full of people and not bothering me. Uh, I will go ahead and cast a couple of Eldritch Blasts at the nearest spider. Knowing that he can't pick pocket, spiders, he holds out his hands-- and, uh, let's match the outfit-- purple blasts of arcane energy just, just, uh, come roaring out of his fingers and, smash into the closest spider, with significant force enough to badly hurt a or average person. That is 10 damage. Uh, the other one I guess, hits something else, hopefully not a person.
Tanam: yeah, the other one...
Vafrus: A natural two on the die. So...
Tanam: Yeah, kind of fizzles off, shoots, but just dissipates along the way.
Vafrus: and then, yeah, I will, uh, I will use what movement I can, uh, probably through the difficult terrain of the crowd to put distance between myself and the spiders. I'll, I'll, tell something about protecting, uh, Urekas.
Unclear what I say through the, you know, the yelling and everything, but
Tanam: Okay. Up next is, uh, Hellena.
Rozafeen: Are there any spiders that are more than five feet away from most of the members of my group, but that are within five feet of each other?
Tanam: They're all clustered, and they are 60 feet away.
Rozafeen: Hmm. so 60 feet. Oh, goody. I have something that's 120 feet. This is a five by 40 foot cylinder, so I am, I'm aiming for maximum spiders, zero bystanders, if that's at all possible. uh, everyone sees some minor hand motions as I shake around some sort of, quite frankly, tattered looking, you know, you're not sure if it's a mistletoe or just a shitty branch that fell from somewhere, but something to that effect. And, uh, you see dim light radiating out, from within the ground, forming an arc that kind of, uh, whirls its way into a cylinder, and all of the spiders within that glowing cylinder have to make a con save.
Tanam: Okay. 16, 20, and 11.
Rozafeen: So the 11 fails, that one takes 10, the 16, the people who rolled 16 and 20 take five.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: Unless they're especially sensitive to radiant, I suppose. and it stays there. So anything that enters the space, will continue to take damage unless I turn it off. And I can move the thing, next turn if I want.
Tanam: So it's this kind of cylinder that you've plopped down and they are inside it?
Rozafeen: You know, almost as if it was a giant whirling, you know, thing of flames, but it's moonlight, so you enter the pretty light and then everything is terrible.
Tanam: Are you having Justice do anything?
Rozafeen: Who do we got that is not in the radiant light and close?
Tanam: There are the spiders that are coming down the walls 60 feet away from you.
Vafrus: You could go attack the guards just in case.
Rozafeen: I don't want her to be surrounded by a bunch of spiders all by herself cuz she actually doesn't have a lot of HP.
Tanam: So the spiders that are coming down the walls, they don't seem to be clustered like the other ones are.
Rozafeen: Okay. Maybe she can go to the bottom of the wall and then claw one spider at a time as they come down.
Tanam: Okay. Um, they're kind of more spread out along the wall. Like you you don't necessarily know that you even are seeing all of them. They might be coming in spread out along the whole thing. It would make sense tactically.
Rozafeen: Okay. Well then she's gonna go to the one that's closest to me that's not in the moon beam.
Tanam: So this one is over by the wall. to the east.
Rozafeen: Okay
Tanam: From the gate.
Rozafeen: So she rolls a 20 to attack, and assuming that hits, it's three points of slashing damage.
Tanam: Okay. So the spider is, is most the way down the wall, and Justice up and claws for how much damage did you say?
Rozafeen: I didn't roll very well, so only three.
Tanam: Okay.
Tanam: The guards have seen that y'all seem to be handling the spiders at the front, and they see Justice run off to the side. And that's enough to like them look up, look over there and see that spiders are coming down. And so the guards are going to dash, from where they are, like where they were almost to you, one in each direction.
Tanam: And now it is the spiders' turn. So they're gonna just, run forward out of the, uh, out of the radiant light. What is, Justice's AC?
Rozafeen: It is... twelve.
Tanam: So the spider that Justice got is going to miss Justice trying to bite. Otherwise the spiders are moving their way in this one is going to attack this guard and hit Oh, geez. Wow. Ouch. Okay. okay. You hear a, "Ah!" presumably from the guard off to the west.
Tanam: And now we are to Georg.
Don: How close are, are each group?
Tanam: The ones that are running towards you are now 30 feet away.
Don: the ones running towards us, uh, I, I give out a yell of, uh, "I'll protect you all!" And, uh, and I run up to them, uh, in my full armor. I, I throw down my, my helmet and, uh, I, you see some electricity light up on my fist. Uh, and I swing at, uh, at one of them. Uh...
Tanam: The one that got hit with the previous blast?
Don: Yes. yes Let's give that one a good whacking.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: I, I wanna position myself, so I've got, uh, uh, two spiders in range, if possible.
Tanam: Yeah, they're running around along next to each other.
Don: them what-for!
Tanam: Okay. So you kind of run up what-for in, in front of them?
Don: Right up in front. Uh, and I, I take a swing at, uh, at that one that's been hit. Does a 17 hit?
Tanam: Uh, yes.
Don: Excellent, Excellent. It, Oh, oh my, uh, it takes 12!
Uh,
Tanam: Um, so what is, what is the, your, your, and use like electricity on your glove? Is that
Don: yes, yes. It's a, it's a glove and it's got little electrodes, uh, on it. Uh, and as I hit it, a big discharge of, uh, electrical... Oh, I guess, No, no. It's thunder damage. So, uh,
Tanam: Oh, so it's like a, like a booming?
Don: Yes.
Tanam: Okay. You punched the spider just right in the face and then as it hits, there's a, there's a loud boom and the spider just like falls to pieces behind your, your punch . It is, it is, it is very gross. Um, is there any side effect of that on anyone around, or is it just, uh, thunder damage directly on the, person?
Don: Just directly on the, uh, the, the thing if, uh, if it hits that, that spider, which is now in many pieces, uh, I feel like the side effect is just that it's disgusting. Uh, normally it would get disadvantage on attack roles against anybody but me. Uh, but no, it's just disgusting.
Tanam: extreme disadvantage on any rolls henceforth...
Don: Yesss! It appears to...
I have a second attack swhat I have. I could show another one what-for! I run up in the middle of, um, swing at the middle one, and then take another swing at, the one on the left.
Tanam: Okay.
Don: does 14 hit?
Tanam: Yes! It does.
Don: Excellent. Well this wasn't quite as good. Uh, it hits for eight damage.
Tanam: Okay.
Tanam: Now we are at Urekas.
Harmony: I give a motivational speech to all of my friends within 60 feet. "Urekas will protect you. Just believe."
Tanam: Okay. So everybody gets five temporary hitpoints, and if you get hit by an attack, then you will get advantage on the next roll that you make. Uh, I'm gonna have you all remember that for yourselves. So do you uh, yell this or, they just kind of hear it whispered on the wind?
Harmony: Oh, uh, yeah, whispered in the wind. I just kind of find a second where everybody is just quiet like you're ever in a room and everyone just stops talking at the same time. I wait for that and I say it.
Tanam: Which should explain why, uh, why you ended up last in the order.
Vafrus: waiting for your turn.
Tanam: Waiting for that proper moment. Hehehe.
Vafrus: Drama is important.
Don: Well I for one am inspired
Tanam: Ruffort you are up next.
Vafrus: Thing that Georg did was so much cooler than what I did, uh, and that, that that won't do. So I, uh, will look to the sky for guidance.
Tanam: Ha. Okay. There are these, giant lights shooting up from the, tops of the walls and from the top of the Great Hall.
Vafrus: Ah.
Tanam: And those are just enough that you can read the word, on the sky. And it says "compete."
Vafrus: Okay. Well, that's easy. That's what I was doing anyway. I am competing, uh, for Urekas's attention, and so I, with a, a, a grand flourish and much more like somatic gesturing than is strictly necessary. Uh, I will, uh, I will call out, to Georg. Uh, "Let me help you with that. If you didn't. You missed one!" and I'm gonna hit, uh, the same one, that he just punched but didn't down, with, uh, two more eldritch blasts. that's a lot. Um, 26? You want me to just total the damage? It's twenty-five
Tanam: Shining hair okay. So, Georg you, you're standing there having just punched this, uh, spider and this blast of energy just misses you and fries the spider. Like it is not there anymore. This is it's not even gross. Like when you punched the first one dead. It is there was a spider there, there was some energy blasting by, and then there is not a spider there anymore.
Don: That was impressive.
Vafrus: feel, I feel, uh, vindicated.
Don: Note to self, don't get on his bad side...
Vafrus: I will move closer to Urekas. She seems to be handing out goodies.
Harmony: I'm blushing.
Vafrus: I'll I'll stand front of her, like gonna guard her, but I'll actually abandon if there's ever too... You know, if anything gets too close.
Rozafeen: Just so we're clear.
Tanam: Uh,
Tanam: Hellena. You're up next.
Rozafeen: I wanna just make sure I've got the scene correct in my mind. Are all three spiders that I originally hit with the moon beam dead?
Tanam: No, there is one left.
Rozafeen: is it possible for me to adjust the moon beam such that it hurts the spider but not the punchy guy?
Tanam: Yes, you could it up and like burn its butt off.
Rozafeen: Okay, great. So we're gonna do that...
Vafrus: But have we considered negotiating with the spiders?
Rozafeen: Okay. So that's 15, unless it saves constitution.
Tanam: okay. Con saaaveee...
Vafrus: These, these seem pretty charismatic.
Tanam: Con. Con save. okay, so it got a 14.
Rozafeen: That won't do it. It's a 15 that it needs. So that's 15 points of damage. Is it dead yet?
Tanam: You burn more than it's butt off, you burn one of its back legs off, but it's still kicking.
Rozafeen: And justice is, uh, I rolled her already. only three points of damage, again, unfortunately.
Tanam: And that's your turn?
Rozafeen: Yep. Oh, well, maybe for movement get a little bit closer to Justice's spider so that I can provide backup for her.
Tanam: Okay.
Rozafeen: So I'd like to get within 30 feet of that.
Tanam: Okay. So you're gonna be 30 feet from Justice.
Tanam: Let's see. Now we are onto the guards. You can see as you're running up to where, Justice is, one of the guards shoved their spear into the spider. but the spider is, uh, is looking not great, but is, still kicking.
Tanam: And then we are onto the spiders. The one spider left, who just got blasted with the moon beam again, is not very happy about this and is going to attack Georg. nineteen plus five...
Don: oh...
Tanam: Is 24. So, Wow. Despite your excellent armor, the spider bites you.
Don: Need to make improvements, I can see.
Vafrus: Not yet invincible. Maybe, by 22 AC, though. There's probably no numbers bigger than 22, right?
Don: Never! I don't know how many numbers there could be higher than 22.
Tanam: uh, it's going to do eight damage
Don: Ow!
Tanam: and then you need to make a constitution saving throw.
Don: 18.
Tanam: Uh, yes. Okay. So you're gonna take poison damage.
Don: But I am not in fact, uh, poisoned. yes?
Tanam: You're not poisoned. Yeah. You're just, taking that extra damage.
Don: Damn straight I'm not poisoned.
Tanam: And then this one misses... That one. , this guard just cannot get a break. To the west, you hear a gruesome aaaahhhrrg" sound. it sounds almost exactly like the expiring of a guard. and you also hear, from the far side of the building, some more screaming.
Tanam: And we are onto Georg.
Don: Ah, far, far side of the building is which side?
Tanam: the north side of the building. You guys are on the south side of the building coming in at the gate.
Don: Ah! Yes. Well, this time I'm going to start with my bonus action and, uh, give the spider a good old whacking. and That would be 14. He takes five.
Tanam: It is... not looking great.
Don: Well one more has gotta finish him off, yeah?
Vafrus: He's probably learned his lesson, can probably just leave him now.
Don: Yeah, I do not negotiate with spiders. Uh, does 13 hit?
Tanam: uh, no.
Don: I suppose 12 also doesn't hit.
Tanam: No.
Don: Well then, uh, I, I swing a couple times, and do not connect.
Vafrus: Then consider negotiating with the spiders
Don: Never negotiate with spiders. Can't trust them. I have same rule in home life as I have in game life.
Tanam: Urekas?
Harmony: Let's see. Can I put on my Helm of Telepathy and use speak with animals to talk to the spiders?
Tanam: Yes, I think I will allow that, in this situation.
Harmony: Okay, cool. Well, then I talk to the spider that's attacking Georg, and I'm like, " What do you want?"
Tanam: You've sensed like, startled and surprise. It doesn't have any particular grand arching plans. it wants to hurt people and it seems like it is very focused on that. And then kind of a layer on top of that is: specifically Georg. It wants to hurt Georg.
Harmony: Okay. I go "Georg. He wants to hurt you."
Don: Look I I know. Oh, oh, I was gonna say, I know I can't hear any of that, but like I know that! Obviously it wants to hurt me. Thanks. This is why you don't negotiate with spiders.
Harmony: I wasn't negotiating. Just asking a question. You know what? Can I also use suggestion to tell this spider to go to therapy? in its self-interest.
Vafrus: good...
Tanam: Speak with animals is a, is an action. So, uh, maybe next time?
Harmony: Okay.
Vafrus: As Urekas learns that the spiders are the simplest, most evil kind of faceless villain, Ruffort is thinking to himself, "Man, these agents of good sure look like evil spiders. a good thing they look so ugly or these people would get suspicious about me killing them so much."
The Intern: This episode featured
Chelsea Burns as Harmony as Urekas.
Harmony: I can't be seen giving money,"
The Intern: Find her on Instagram @ChelseaComedy.
Chris Grumbles as Don as Georg.
Don: Uhhhh.
The Intern: Find him on Instagram @ChrisGrumbles.
Desiree Phair as Rozafeen as Hellena and Justice.
Rozafeen: It's important to make boundaries straightforward.
The Intern: Sylas Silver as Vafrus as Calumn as Ruffort.
Vafrus: It's just a dumb joke. Nevermind.
The Intern: Check out his RPG where you get the good parts of roleplay faster at readysetrole.org.
Mark E. Phair as Tanam the dm.
Tanam: can you sleep with constant partying going on?
The Intern: Find him at markephair.com.
Isaac Pendergrass as The Boss.
Boss: Where's the caramel macchiato I actually asked for?
The Intern: Follow him on Instagram @isaacpendergrass.
And me, Damian Lichtenstein, as the Intern. Find me on Instagram @thatdamlich.
Thank you for listening to Coffee, Cults, and Empires.
Edited by Mark and Desiree.
Music by Kevin Vitz-Wong, rhymes with hit song. Hear more music at kevinvitzwong.bandcamp.com.
Character art and logo design by Carmanda. Find her at carmandaartsthings.com.
Sensitivity consulting by Dominique Dickey. Find links to more of their work including fiction and game design, at dominiquedickey.com.
The Intern: Find all these links in the episode notes or at coffeecultsandempires.com, where you can also find transcripts, art, actor and character bios, and more.
That's coffeecultsandempires.com.
Vafrus: All right. I am as handsome as someone can be.
Harmony: Is this what you're saying to me?
Vafrus: No, no, no. is, this is, is what you see.